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E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
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Running a restaurant is about the most thankless job on earth. Every day you deal with the public and for the most part, the public is about 45 percent dick heads, 45 percent stupid people, and about 10 percent of the public is OK. I cannot for the life of me figure out why people have no consideration for others around them. You really have no idea how fucking arrogant, disrespectful, and just plain rude people are until you try waiting on them in a restaurant. I could go on and on telling you about some of the mind boggling things I have seen. But I'm here to tell you about my sweetie tard.
credit given to original author if known
It was late in the evening and the night had been a screamer, the kind of night where everything went wrong and everyone that came through the door was a fucking prick. I was done for the night and sitting at the bar having a few stiff shots to calm my nerves. We had finished seating for the evening but the dining room was still pretty full. I was fucking beat. I had been there about 14 hours at this point and all I wanted to do was..
1. get blind drunk,
2. get my dick sucked, and
3. go home.
About half way into my first objective there is a wail of horror coming from the dining room unlike anything I have ever heard. It was inhuman. It was like the primal blood curdling howl of some wounded beast. I almost, for one-second, felt pity for what or who ever was screaming like this because it was obvious that there was pain and suffering in this spinal tap of a screech. "What the fuck is that?", I asked the bartender. The pity vanished when I realized that my drinking time was about to be cut short.
What amazed me was that the scream never ended. It just kept going on and on just like that fucking bunny with the battery up his ass. I half fell / half got off my barstool and staggered for the dining. Good God I was not prepared for what I saw. There at the top of the stairs was the largest tard I have ever seen. She was huge. She was scared, and she was still screaming. With her, were the wranglers of the tard and they were trying to coax her down the stairs. I made my way over to this three ring circus to see what in the hell was going on in MY fucking dining room.
The two stupid people, or tard wranglers, looked at me and said "Thank God your here can you help us." A rage swelled up in me unlike any I had ever experienced. I have already told you how I feel about stupid people, now I'm faced with two of them at once. Add in the fact that I hate noise in my dining room and I have a two ton tard screaming like someone was cutting her up and eating her raw. And I'm about half in the bag.
Luckily for me I managed to fight back the urge to kill someone and got myself under control. I put on my best "I'm gonna eat your face like a sandwich'" smile and asked what I could do to help. Two ton tard is still screaming at the top of her lungs, hopping up and down and shaking her deformed hands and arms like she is gonna fly. Her wranglers informed me that she is terrified of stairs.
Again I have to fight off the urge to punch someone in the face and I politely ask, "Well then, why is she at the top of my stairs then?" Their problem had just became my problem. "We wanted to take her out to a nice restaurant just once and we thought she might act differently here and not panic." Fucking great. They have just turned my life's work into a training ground for tards.
And to make matters worse, these people were not even the tard's parents. They borrowed a tard for this, kinda like a loaner tard. I realized that there was nothing that these two idiots were going to be able to do (super tard had outsmarted them) and that I was going to have to handle this myself.
I put myself between the tard and the stairs and made eye contact with her and she stopped screaming immediately. Never in my life have I ever seen such an expression of love on any woman's face. I have given women multiple orgasms until they had tears of joy streaming down there faces but it was nothing compared to the look on this tards face. "Oh my God, I think she really likes you," piped up one of the wranglers. Her smile went from one ear to the other. She stopped hoping and trying to fly and reached out for me. Immediately I start backing up slowly, thinking that her love for me might be strong enough to lure her down the stairs.
NOT! As soon as she got to the edge of the first step she started her "screaming eagle" impersonation again. SHIT.
I went back to the top and backed her up from the stairwell. "Maybe if you hold her hands" said one of the wranglers. "Would you like this nice young man to hold your hands?" "mnrrreeuussss" moaned the tard and shot me her best seductive smile. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? I'm being pimped off on a tard! I swallowed all the rage felt by every person who ever lost a loved one to a drunk driving accident. All the anger known by the Jews during the holocaust and again I gained control of myself.
I reached out and took the mangled hands of the tard in mine and she looked in my eyes. When I stood at the alter with my very beautiful, now ex wife, and looked in her eyes as she said, "I do," there was love in her eyes. You can see it and you can feel it, and anyone who says different is full of shit. My new found admirer had this very look in her eyes only it was ten fold. Slowly I backed towards the stairs with my new bride in hand. And once again she started freaking at the top like a chimpanzee who's found a bagful of bananas.
Now I'm about to lose control of my temper and that isn't gonna be pretty. I back the bitch up and turn around to let loose on the wranglers for bringing this drooling tard into my life, and the lives of all the other diners, when "Enlightened bitch with shit for brains" enters the picture.
"Excuse me but I think I may have the solution" she states.
"Oh fucking really," I think to myself, "knock yourself right the fuck out and try. I just smile and say, "that would be so nice."
Enlightened Cunt informs me that she has a PhD in child psychology, as she is taking the tards hands and slowly turning her away from the stairs. One thing that this over educated and under intelligence bitch didn't think about, was, that this was not a child, this was a tard. She now has the tard with its back to the stairs and is speaking softly to her and backing her up towards the stairs. When she gets the tard to the top of the stairs, she asks the tard if she would like to go down the stairs backwards.
The tard was lovingly looking into my eyes when pandemonium broke out. This tard started freaking out big time. She lost all control of her bowels and her bladder at the same time. She must have been wearing a huge diaper because it sounded like someone was dropping creamed corn and Jell-O from a 30 story building onto a trampoline. There was piss and shit coming out of her pant legs and running onto the carpet. She had that funny look on her face that babies get just after having a huge movement. That warm look of satisfaction.
She started her tard run away from the stairs, shitting some more and leaving a trail of it anywhere she went then when she got a good distance from the stairs she sat down on her ass with a splotch. At this point I am insane. WHO IN THE FUCK DO THESE PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE?!?!?! BRINGING THE AMAZING SUPER SHITTER TARD INTO MY RESTAURANT?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? I looked at the tards wranglers and I was no longer wearing my smile. The time for smiles was long gone. "Get her out of my restaurant, NOW!"
My face must have been twisted with anger because the tard wranglers recoiled with shock. "I said NOW GOD DAMN IT!" The whore with the Ph fucking D (which I would have loved to ram up her ass with the fat end of a champagne bottle) looked at me aghast and said that I needed to learn to be more sensitive. Now I'm ready to unleash all the wrath of hell on these fucking people who have managed to interrupted my drinking time, and managed to cover my carpets with piss and shit. The tard wranglers, who now knew that I am Satan when provoked, ran to protect the rent-a-tard.
They had her doing the crawl that dogs use to scratch their asses on the floor, towards the stairs, leaving a dark skid mark across my carpet. The Tard is aware that something evil is about to happen and starts her screaming again. The cunt ass bitch with her Ph fucking D is yelling at me for scaring the tard and all I can think of, is to push said bitch and the tard down the stairs together in a mess of shit, piss, unwashed hair and small glasses.
"Jesus Fucking Christ get her up!!!!" There was a wet splotch every time her ass hit a step.
Once she got to the bottom of the stairs she turned around and looked at her accomplishment with enormous pride. She looked at me with love in her eyes again and started her tard trod for the front door. One of the wranglers looked at me as though they were going to say something, but decided that it would be a very bad idea to stick their head into the lions mouth, and went chasing after the tard. The woman with dirty hair and small glasses looked at me as though I had just set fire to a box full of kittens, but was wise enough to not open her fucking mouth this time.
After the amazing pooper shooter and her wranglers were gone (fuckers never even gave me so much as an "I'm sorry") we cleaned up the entire mess. After we accomplished this task I returned to the bar for a few double shots, still hoping that I might get a blow job before the night was over. Closed up the place and went to meet my girlfriend (who will remain nameless as she is a subscriber to E.H.O.W.A.) for some drinks at another bar. (love ya sweetie). I relayed my evening to her and some other friends and they all got a kick out of it.
And looking back now, it is kinda funny, BUT!!!!!
To all of you God damn people who think the earth, moon, sun, and stars revolve around you and your tard -- be it your tard or a rent-a-tard -- go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut. I don't have a tard and I sure as hell don't want to have yours forced upon me. Thank you very much.
Ps. I never did get a blow job that night, but I did get my brains screwed right out of my head. Take care everyone!