E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
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Everyone at one time or another has one of those friends that either wants to have that "Alternative" lifestyle or does and it just doesn't always come out till you least expect it.
credit given to original author if known
Any way my buddy Tim, we called him Superman was always into some weird shit. Many a night we would here him banging the shit out of some girl in his room. Vocalizing as he started to come. Then the next day learn he was breaking in a new blow up doll or something twisted like that. He once made out with another member of our crew in a Marine bar on a bet, tongue and all to see if he could start a fight. Those Jar heads took it well, they bought him and his "girlfriend" a round and then kicked us all out.
To get to my real story, I found myself in Guam on liberty one night. Anyone who has had the luck or misfortune to have served in the Pacific Fleet will smile when they think of all the wonderful days spent in fucking ass of the South Pacific, sweating buckets performing PMs and upkeep chores while the fucking officers play golf and suck each other off in their staterooms.
There is a pretty good titty joint in town called the G-Spot, and naturally we ended up there every fucking night we had off. The girls were accommodating, giving us some extra nasty lap dances in the back room. The occasional hummer wasn't un common. Loaded and bored we heard of a beach party going on at one of the resort hotels in town and decided to finish up with the cock grinding and see about some real honest to goodness Japanese tourist poon tang, "Rick my pussy, sairor boy."
We headed over to the joint and founds a rager going on. Those girls hadn't been fucking with us. Probably a hundred or so round eyes like us and the rest all locals or Asians. We spent the rest of the night trying to get loaded and laid. It was a pretty good time.
I suppose you are wondering where my bud, Superman comes into all this? Well he had been partying it up with this sexy little local chick. Grinding all over her. Making out on the impromptu dance floor out on the deck. What makes this great is that my buddy kept on glancing over at him with a quizzical look. Every now and again blanching, his eyes widening. Then he would just shake his head and sip his beer. I asked the guy what was up.
"I think that girl Tim is with is a ma'hoo." he replied.
(For those that don't get the term, Ma'hoo is a local Hawaiian word for transvestite. They are like cockroaches in Honolulu, and Guam is no different.)
"No way," I said " She's way too hot."
But sure enough, I scoped her out a little closer. The Adams apple, larger than average feet, wrists, and ankles. By the time I convinced myself Tim was grabbing the tight little ass of one fine looking gay man, a couple other of my mates came to the same conclusion. We all got the giggles and debated on what to do. I was for breaking it up right then and there, but the sadism of submariners took hold and we decided to watch and see how it all panned out.
A little while later, Ol' Superman takes his little "thing" in tow and wanders off down onto the beach. This being as far as I can let the little joke go, I grabbed a couple friends and a beer to set off after them and put a stop to what could only end badly.
About a hundred yards away we found the young couple laying on some leftover beach mats. We were hushed, peeking around a palm tree only to see this girl/dude going down on Tim's tool like she was a cross between a jackhammer and a Hoover vacuum. I mean Chasey Lane had nothing on what was being displayed before me. My stomach got a little queasy from too much booze, the thought that I had let my friend unknowingly get with a man, and from trying to suppress the giggles that the whole scene created.
So another friend of mine decides he's gonna save the day.
"PSST!" he hissed "Tim!"
Nothing. A soft wet slurping sound was all we could occasionally hear.
"What?" we heard Tim kind of moan. "Dude, go away."
At his point I couldn't fight it any more and started busting a gut, my laughter was loud enough to get Tim's "date" to stop it's activity for a second. Looking towards us hidden in the shadows.
"Dude, like we got to talk to you." My friend kind of giggled back, trying to sound serious. "Come here."
"Fuck off. You guys suck." He was getting a little ticked which is understandable. He's getting a blowjob on the beach. Why are we fucking it up for him?
My buddy see's this will get no where and decides to ay down the trump card. "There's a fight and Shore Patrol showed up. We gotta get going."
"I'll catch up to you then."
"Fuck." my buddy whispered "He's never gonna leave. What do we do?"
We talked about it and I was voted the guy that was gonna try next. "PSST, hey Tim, "It's Jimmy. Come here for a sec. It's important."
"Goddamn it! Fuck off." He was getting even more ticked. And impressively the thing playing the yummy down game on his pecker is back at it and doesn't stop for nothing. I'm tired by now. So I say fuck it and play it out. "Tim," I said really serious like, "That's a guy."
There was a really long pause. We all sat there waiting for Tim to freak out and totally lose his shit.
"Tim?" I whisper again. Trying to sound serious and sympathetic at the same time. He was after all being blown by a guy. "Did you hear me?"
There is still nothing. The little cock tease cross dresser is still at it. Unfazed.
"Go away. I'll be back in a bit."
"Tim," I say incredulously " you don't get it. That's a fucking Ma'hoo"
And, here is where Tim "Superman" [last name deleted] won my heart and made me look at him differently for the rest of my days.
From the beach came his whispered reply, "I know."