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I just got finished washing my dog. I wanted to get this story in to you while it is still fresh in my mind, as it happened this morning, and will probably continue well into the afternoon, but I think the worst of it is over.
credit given to original author if known
My wife and kids are at the beach with my mother-in-law, sister-in-law and the sis's kids. So, I do what every man who suddenly finds himself a bachelor for a few days does, and call up some old friends to see if we can hang out for a while, drink too much beer and burn stuff on the grill, farting and belching at will with no one around to offend. Apparently, something off of that grill was not quiet dead yet.
This morning, I am woken by this incredible burning on my ass. Take the hottest peppers you have ever eaten and multiply it by infinity! Dazed, and still half asleep, I reach down with my hand to investigate and am jolted wide awake when I make contact with something hot, sticky and mushy. The first thing I notice is a foul odor, the next thing I see is my hand covered in liquid shit. I get the light on and see that I have had a H.E.L.S. (Highly Explosive Liquid Shit) experience and have covered both myself, and my bedding from the waist down.
The odor is making me wretch, and the retching forces out more little bursts of liquid death from my ass. I quickly jump out of bed and beeline for the bathroom, where I don't quite make it in time to explode in the toilet, but rather all over it as I am trying to sit down.
Momentum carries me all the way down, so I end up slipping around on hot ooze while my tortured asshole erupts again and again and again. The smell is overpowering and I have to grab the bathroom trash can to puke in. Power, projectile puking commences. Turns out the bathroom trashcan isn't deep enough, and the bottom acts as a reflector for the high pressure puke. It comes roaring back out of the trash as if it had a life of it's own and covers me. It's going in my hair, back into my mouth, up my nose, all over my shoulders, got some in my ear. It's hard to breathe when precious air is replaced by BBQ chicken remnants!
The retching from the puke forces more H.E.L.S. out of my tortured ass, and the smell is keeping me heaving. It's like a vicious cycle of puke-shit death that seemed to never end. Finally, the heaving calms and the shit stops flowing and I can breathe again. I feel like someone has set my ass on fire and the ran a Mac truck straight through it. My ballsack is burning, my throat hurts and my nose just wants to run and hide somewhere very far away. I crack one eye and see that I have destroyed the bathroom and that there is not enough toilet paper in the world to wipe up all of the shit that covers me. I vote to go straight into the shower.
Let me tell you about liquid shit, burning asses and showers. First off, use cold water! Any water at all feels like flame throwers on a tender asshole, but the cold helps to numb the area eventually. I found out rather quickly that the normal temperature was not going to work. Nearly blacked out from the pain. Next, liquid shit will clog a drain. Yes, I was standing in a pool of shit/puke water and wondering what to do about it. Had to reach down and manually clear the drain which nearly brought the shit/puke cycle back in force. Finally, after a few minutes of washing - rinsing, rewashing -rerinsing I thought I was clean enough to exit the shower.
With the shower door closed, the smell was not so bad. As soon as I opened it, I was assaulted anew by the overwhelming stench of what my body had produced. I am trying not to breathe when I look at the floor and see that there are shit foot prints all over, mixed with puke backlash from the trash can. The toilet looks like the one from Amityville when the dark ooze comes running out, and my ass is starting to feel the pressure build again for a new round of H.E.L.S. expulsion.
I decide to take my clean, dripping wet self away from the mess, ain't no way in hell I'm sitting on that toilet, and go for the other bathroom. I manage to circumvent the shit fest on the floor and make it with time to spare to the other toilet. More blinding, searing agony as my ass gushes pure acid into the bowl. I actually cry when it comes time for wiping.
Damage control time. The bedding is foul.. Nothing to do but strip it off and take it directly to the washer. Had to be creative to keep from getting covered in shit, but somehow made it with only having to wash my hands. Next is to grab the vinyl cleaner and scrub down the water-bed bladder. I am so glad that the shit did not leak down under the mattress. Next, get the carpet cleaner and scrub up the shit trail from the bed to the bathroom. Pressure building again, go to the clean bathroom and suffer through hell on earth again.
Next, grab every cleaning supply in the house and head to the bathroom I had destroyed earlier. I have to scrub the walls, the counters, the toilet, the door, the floor and the shower. I can't tell you how many buckets of foul cleaning solution I had to flush down the toilet. At some point during this process, my alarm goes off and I realize that I had been at this for about four hours already. About 30 minutes later, the bathroom is cleaner than I have ever seen it and the foul odor has been vanquished.
I remember that I haven't let the dog out yet, so I call her. She is a sweet little Rat Terrier that I have had for about 10 years now. But when I call, she doesn't come. That usually means that she has messed somewhere in the house and is in hiding. So, I go off to search for the dog and any shit she has deposited on the floor. I can't really blame her if she did shit the floor though.
What I found was her curled up and shivering in a corner, covered in mostly dry shit. She was pitiful to look at. Frequently, she will sleep on the bed and her favorite place is curled up right between my knees. Apparently this was exactly where she was when the first wave of liquid shit woke me this morning.
So, I have just finished washing my dog. She did need to go outside after all, and not caring too much for a bath to start with, she shit in the tub about halfway through. Guess I earned that one though. I have called into work and explained my absence and now will stay at home and nurse my tender ass and hope this Imodium kicks in pretty quickly.
~ Steve the shit geyser