E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

As most other students, I was excited as fuck to go off to college. The whole idea of moving out, being on my own, and the non-stop parties that come with the party school I so gladly attend was what I had been waiting for all through high school. Even the idea of sharing a room with a complete stranger seemed cool.

Well, I soon learned that roommates sucked my asshole. The girl I got paired up with was nothing like me at all. She was a bitch, and I hated her. I fucking hated her. But that is not what my story is about. My story is about one night during one of the first weeks of my freshman year.

I had met Anna just days before classes started. Everything seemed to be going well at first. Until I found out she partied even more than I did. It was a school night, and all though that usually never stopped me from enjoying a few drinks before, on this particular night, I had class at 8:00am the next morning, so getting fucked up was out of the question.

That didn't stop Anna though. She didn't have class until 11:00, and being considerate of me was out of the question too. So she went out while I went to bed. Well, around 3:00am, I hear someone banging at the door. I answer, drunken with sleep to find Anna standing there with keys in hand, but barely standing. I help her in and sit her down. She is swaying and keeps banging her head against the wall next to her bed. She gets up and turns off the air conditioning, which baffled me because it was like 95 degrees is our room.

And she turns on the lights because "the dark made her dizzy." Then she opened the door and puked out in the hall right outside our door.

I asked her if she was going to just leave it there because she sat back down on her bed and she yelled at me, "I'm not going to clean that up! That's gross!"

Fuck you, Anna. I had to clean it up because if anyone saw it, we'd get in trouble. I could actually see steam rising from the puke as it obsorbed itself into the carpet. So after almost throwing up myself I go back in the room to find puke all over the floor next to her bed. I place a trash can there, but she just vomits next to it. I look at the clock; It's 4:15 and I have to get up in 3 hours for class. Fuck you, Anna.

She continues to heave out what seems like gallons of vodka. Damn, I've never seen someone puke so much in my life! I bring her a plastic bag the was on the floor and tell her to hold it and puke in it.

She looks at me eyes half open, body still swaying. She looks like she is about to say something when it happens. She pukes all over me. Starting with my chest, there is fucking nasty smelling puke streaming down my body all the way to my feet. A tank top and shorts were a bad idea for night wear that night because it covers very little, which means her puke is touching my skin, rolling down it.

The smell over takes the room, as I see chunks of the mexican food we had for dinner and the entire bottle of vodka trickle down me and form a puddle around my feet and get inbetween my toes. It feels warm against my skin, as I stand there in awe while she continues to cover me in her undigested stomache mush. I am fucking covered in puke, and about to vomit myself.

Fuck you, Anna.

After cleaning myself off, I attempt to sleep with the lights on, without air conditioning, with only 2 and a half hours before I have to get up, and with Anna babbling on about some guy she met Richard and how she hopes she didn't embarrass herself in front of him. I knew then that the next 9 months of my life would be the hardest I've ever had to live through. And looking back on it, it was. I wouldn't wish Anna on my worst enemy. I swear she is Satan himself.

Luckily she transferred to another school to be near some guy she was in love with but didn't want her back. Ha!