E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

Last year I took an economy forced leave from my occupation as a Network Engineer, and took a job with Pepsi. My job was in the Special Events department, and we handled everything from High School events to Cinco De Mayo. Of course in Denver special events rarely take place during the winter so once the summer is over we would take turns working in "D" Units.



At this point I complain to my wife that this must be her fault. You see she had talked me into "shaving" myself (everything from the neck down), so that I could see what she went through for me. I figured this must be an ingrown hair, or something like it. Either way I was not loosing my turn in "D" Units. So I work the rest of the week and the pain seems to subside.

On Monday morning I report bright and early and have a lovely day doing mindless brutish labor. The rest of the week goes just as well and on Friday I get a nice suprise, the guy who's supposed to take my spot next week is going to be out. Hurray for me! I get to another week away! By this point, you must understand, I have forgotten that the pain had ever been there. The next week starts off the same, I am working with the same guy (Eldridge). Eldridge is a 6'6" black man that is funnier than Chris Rock and more impossing than Warren Sapp. Throwing venders around with him was cake.

On Tuesday we're at CU in Boulder trying to get this 53" wide vender through a 48" wide door. It got in there, so we can get it out. I'm pulling and Eldridge is pushing, when all of the sudden it lets go and slams my ass crack into the door jam. Pain shot up my back like a hot knife, and I collapsed. Eldridge, being the nice guy he is, comes over and asks if I'm all right. I'm a man, it is not acceptable for a man to act like a pussy in front of so much nice college pussy. So, I tell him I'm fine and let's finish up.

Good thing that was our last stop for the day, because by the time I clocked out I was ready to puke from the pain. Somehow I managed to drive myself home, make dinner for my kids, shower, and get in bed. I woke up twice that night, everytime my ass touced anything softer than a sheet it yelled. The next morning the pain was still intense, but I knew I had to get into work. The drive in was almost intolerable. Once there I was happy to be relegated to the passenger seat.

Eldirdge knew immedietely that something was wrong, I don't know if it was the sweat pouring down my face on a 30 degree day or what. He started asking questions, and all that I could come up with was, "I'm just not feeling very good". "Is it the Flu?", he'd ask. "I don't know." I'd reply.

For the full thirty minutes to our first stop that was the conversation, "Is it this?". Then it hit me, Eldridge is a Doctor. I remembered a conversation that had happened with the dispatcher a while back. Eldridge had just finished his residency the year before, and was waiting for something or another. So finally as we pulled up to the stop I told him, "My back feels like someone has been hitting me with a sledge hammer, and the further you go down the worse it gets." "How far down does it go?" he asked. "All the way." was the best answer I could come up with.

So now we're parked in front of a little Asian shopping center. We get out of the truck and Eldridge tells me to lift up my shirt. I turn and do so, and the worst answer possible comes forward. "Mother Fucker!", before I have a chance to turn I hear a "THUD". Turning around I notice a little old Chinese lady lying face down. Eldridge is white as a sheet, and an old Chinese man is looking at me like I'm a dragon. Eldridge whips out his phone and dials 911, requests an ambulance and tells me to stay where I'm at.

Ambulance arrives, and with one look at me has me on my stomach on a strecher. I ended up laying there for what seems like an hour until another ambulance arrives for unconcious asian lady. The three person ambulance crew gets in, fat EMT driving, stupid EMT proding, and new EMT sitting there looking sick. We start off, sirens wailing, and new EMT promtly pukes all over my back. By this point I just want a ton of morphine in me so the pain will stop, and I won't care what I am smelling.

We arrive at the ER in record time, two Dr.s are waiting for us. One is old and looks like he just finished have in a brandy ten seconds ago, the other is a hot asian. They wheel me into an exam room and start poking, "Does this hurt?", "What about here?". At this point I can see from the mirror in front of me, and the mirror above me what everyone is so freaked out about.

On my back starting from my neck, and going down my spine is a black stripe about 10" wide. When the stripe intersects my ass it delves down into my crack. Worse yet, the stripe is puffed up about 2". They wheel me in for x-rays, where they help me with my unfulfilled dream of becoming a contortionist. By the time the x-rays are over I could care less about the morphine, give me a shotgun.

They leave me in the exam room for a good thirty minutes, before coming in and telling me what is wrong. What started it off whas a Perry Rectal Abscess, or ingrown hair on the ass-hole. However, I must have aggravatted it and formed a nice cyst that has wrapped itself around my spinal column.

Of course then I somehow popped the cyst, and need to get it taken care of before I go into toxic shock. Ok, Doc! Why the fuck do you think I'm here?

Dr. Brandy informs me that surgury is going to be required. Then Hot Asian Dr. tells me that the sugeons are in a conference, and won't be out for at least an hour. I look up at them and as nicely as possible say, "Then can you at least knock me out?". "No", says Dr. Brandy, if they did that they wouldn't be able to tell if I was going into shock.

By this point I'm tired of laying on my stomack, and am feeling the pressing urge to pee so I ask if I can. "No." "Why not?" "Because." "Fuck you." And I stand up... big mistake. Due to the eruption of this gigantic cyst, and the fact that I'd been laying on my stomach for over two hours, fluid has travelled down hill, and once I stood up it all came to rest in my ass. Blessedly the pain was so bad that I passed out. When I came to the surgeons were ready for me, and about twenty minutes after waking the anestsiologist put me under again.

Almost ten hours later I woke up feeling groggy, and stiff. They tell me the surgery went really well, and I should be out of the hospital in about two weeks. Oh, but once I'm out of the hospital I'm going to need an in home nurse for another three weeks. You see, they had to open me up from sholders to asshole, and clean me out.

I didn't know how it was possible, because I wasn't in much pain, then Dr. Ratface assures me that I will be tomorrow. The next six weeks is a blur of bandages, and TV. My wife tried to change them once, and ended up leaving the room so she could puke.

The upside is I have a nice zipper scar all the way up my back.

~Mike