E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
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Is there such as thing as cancer of the penis?
You betcha. A guy who left us to go off and do a PhD in virology is doing his thesis on the papilloma virus. This beasty causes necrotic rot and cancerous lesions in genital tissue.
Really? I thought the papilloma virus was another name for the bugger that causes Venerial Warts. Warts == Cancer?
Not long after we broke up, I get this phone call from her.
"Vic, I've just had a pap smear done."
"Uh-huh," I reply.
"They found something. A tumor of somekind."
"Shit," I think.
"And they found something else - warts," she says with an accusing sneer, and proceeds to describe how they sampled her cervix with what could only be described as a spud gun, and generally harrassing me about my hygiene, to which I answer that we've been boinking each other exclusively for three years (aaah, the joy of all skin, no condom sex) and she's been down on me more times than I could count, so if she couldn't see any, how in the hell could I.
We finish the conversation, and she tells me to have a THOROUGH look. I go to the crapper, drop my pants and peel back my foreskin and commence examination. Twisting and turning, wiping the smegma off the knob, pulling back folds of skin, finally I find it.
This tiny little white lump nestled in the most inaccessable crevice under my glans. Now for those of you who've had the joy of genital warts, you will know there is only one way to get rid of them.
Burn the fuckers off.
This horrible feeling of impending doom descends on me. The operation is bad enough normally, but I'm unclipped, and my dick is extremely sensitive, to the point where just running a finger over the glans hurts.
I steel myself and head up to the local clinic, book in, take a seat and wait, trembling. Finally get sent in, explain the problem to the doc and naturally he wants to have look. Much umming and aahing and finally a yup, that's a wart alright. Says he can get rid of it now, and he'll be right back.
He returns with some Q-tips and a thermos full of liquid nitrogen, which is around -196 Celcius. The object is to snap freeze the wart and its surrounding flesh so it will die and flake off. No wanking for a while. Dips the Q-tip in the stuff and presses it firmly against the wart.
I gasp and almost put my fist through the wall. A unique pain, unlike any other. Took several minutes to regain composure as the pain subsided to a dull ache. Get dressed, leave, and go sink half a dozen beers to try and wipe the horror.
I get home and go to the bathroom to have a look. The wart's still there and the flesh around it has gone a dry white. Shower the next morning and scrape the dead skin off. The wart's still there, nestled in a recess where the healthy dick skin used to be.
Checking a week later, still there. Oh no, gonna have to try again.
Go back and go through the same routine to no effect. Went back four times in fact. On the fourth, the doc says if it doesn't work this time, he'll have to burn it off with this electric gizmo much like a soldering iron. My heart sinks even deeper, snap freezing is bad enough, now I'm gonna have to get a needle in my dick and a red hot poker pushed against it.
At this point, I commenced a daily ritual of hating and cursing the wart. Eventually it actually did drop off, so I didn't have to face that prospect.
I do not look forward to a repeat case.