E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
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Being a healthy white male nearing 30, I didn't think about my asshole too much until recently. It's an oft neglected part of the body; wiped and washed when needed but otherwise left alone. Thing for me changed significantly over the last 3 weeks, and I've learned to never again ignore it.
credit given to original author if known
About two years ago, I was diagnosed with IBS, or Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I had been experiencing incredible cramping sensations, the rectal/colon equivalent of dry-heaves, in the mornings when I awoke. It would often take hours for them to end. Doctors told me it was diet related, and that made sense. I had lived the previous 8 years on a diet solely consisting of red meat, imported beer, and the occasional starch with wine. This had been the problem, and a change was the solution. I was prescribed some Levbid anti-spasmodic drugs, told to eat right, and sent on my way. If only had that been the end...
Damage from IBS can come about in many forms. From sitting on the can for up to 2-3 hours at a time, and pushing when nothing was to be pushed, I had sprung an external hemorrhoid under the skin right next to my sphincter on the left side. It felt like a lump in my ass, and it hurt. I suppose it showed up initially about 4 years ago, and had gone through many stages of healing and re-emerging until recently. Over the last 10 months, it moved lower, deeper, and got bigger. It seemed to enter deeper into the flesh, protruded less, but increased in mass and size.
Every so often, I'd find that it had swollen to massive dimensions, and upon a little push, "something" burst inside and I'd find blood and puss everywhere on my ass. Yum.
I hate doctors. I hate hospitals. It takes a life-threatening injury to get me anywhere near either one. On more than one occasion, I very nearly passed out from pain on the commute to work from this lump, so I decided to get it checked out. Doc sends me to specialist, whom I will now refer to only as Sgt. Ass. Sgt. Ass was a US Army Flight Surgeon before he took up the cause of small-town ass care. He's brutally honest with me from day one, and doesn't pull punches. Sgt. Ass proceeded to order up a colonoscopy, with an EUA (Examination Under Anesthesia) for the lump. My pics for the colonoscopy are now online at...
You never want one. The prep includes drinking a massive amount of PowerShit(tm) laxative that cleans you out 100%, and spontaneously.
All turned out OK with the colonoscopy, a pair of small internal hemorrhoids and a polyp (tested, benign), but the EUA didn't find my lump. How he missed it, I'll never know. On the follow up, 6 days later, I tell Sgt. Ass my ass still hurts, and the lump is swelling again. He looks, pokes, hears me shout "OW, FUCKER!" and thus orders me back into surgery the next day for another EUA and excision of this lump. Fucking great.
Next day. I spend the morning sucking saltwater in the IV feed, and the early afternoon I'm wheeled back into the OR. All the staff look as if I've been there recently. I have. I'm given another dose or three of some complicatedly named drug concoction, and am out like a light.
An hour and so rolls by, and I am awakened by an urge to piss like a racehorse. I'm on my belly, and in my room at the hospital. I stand up, get to bathroom, and notice I'm wearing cotton mesh briefs as underwear. I knew this was going to get bad. I stand, can't piss, and overhear the nurse talking to my wife. "OH! Now I know why he thinks he needed to go, he had a catheter in OR." Oh, loverly. I don't piss, grumble something about anesthetics, and crawl into the bed on my belly. There is 60' of gauze packed into my crack, all held in by these mesh briefs.
Doc comes in, expecting me to have a single shred of coherence. I don't, and depend on my wife to recant for me later. He has removed the lump, and some surrounding infected tissue. I'll notice some holes when I get around to it, packed with a little gauze. The gravity of this statement doesn't hit until the next day. I'm in serious pain, nurses come in and shoot me up with copious amounts of morphine.
After wretching up my liquid diet lunch, Sgt. Ass decides I should stay overnight. Fine, I feel like shit anyway. My first piss finally happens, and hurts like hell. Catheter, I think. They were working on my asshole, not my dick.
Well, the night was spent on Demerol and an anti-nausea drug. I barely slept, but did finally. Sgt. Ass comes in the next AM for a follow up, looks me over, says I'm A-OK to go home. "Take that gauze out in a warm bath today," he says. Fine, let me the fuck out of here. I endure a rather mystical journey home, an hour drive and I'm holding my ass off the seat with both arms and legs. The drugs they have been pumping me full of are wearing thin, but I get home without killing my wife or anyone else.
Zoom to 4 hours later. I'm popping Codeine like they're Flintstones Chewables, and decide it's time to check out the damage and remove whatever Sgt. Ass left behind. I grab the hand mirror, hop into the bath, spread for the money shot and looked closely...
This is the most disgusting and un-nerving thing I have ever seen in my life. I am missing ass.
Missing. Gone. Outta here. Imagine an ice cream scoop about the diameter of a quarter. Imagine that scoop being
used to gouge out 3/4" deep a 1.5" long football shaped hole about 1/4" to the left of the starfish. Another, much smaller hole is below, about dime sized. Both are packed with long strips of gauze. I nearly scream. It's obvious they are packed tightly with gauze, and it's time to pull them out.
The next 45 minutes are spent between moments of blinding white pain when I pull the ends, and pauses where I curse the name Sgt. Ass and breathe deeply for a few minutes regaining composure. One and a half FEET of gauze comes out the first hole, about a foot from the second. What are left are gaping open wounds, bleeding and as tender as 3/4" deep gaping open holes would be. I spend the next few minutes thinking about how not to leave the bathtub, and then getting out. I go to the couch, pass out belly first, waking up only for another bath 6 hours later.
Repeat for 5 days.
Today, it's been nearly 2 weeks. I'm finally sitting down occasionally, the drive to work is pretty rough. The holes are healing, mostly filling in where he dug UNDER the skin, but I can tell they are healing well. Last follow up was a week ago, Sgt. Ass says I'm to continue as I am. I wash my ass 4 times a day in the bath tub, and vigorously after a dump. I
have half a Kotex Medium Day pad crammed into my crack to absorb blood and goo from the wounds. Every day, I change it 4-5 times. My wife laughs that we share now, I'm not sure how to retaliate for such insults at this time.
Every so often, the healing wounds will heal too much, and I'll move and split one open. Anyone ever having "Road Rash" would know this feeling. I've never felt such an acute and painful sensation, but it's all a part of the healing process. Sgt. Ass claims I will be as good as gold in another pair of weeks. I'll never have my asshole shown in films, but the scarring is gonna be pretty light. Fortunately, I am a fast healer and am sticking to the regimen.
Let this be a lesson to all who have an ass issue. Get it fixed before you have this kinda bullshit happen. Eat your fiber, vegetables, fruits, and try to keep the booze down to a 6'er a day.