E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

Well people, it's time to make fun of babies. Yup, I'm going to be a bastard and joke on the "yoots" of the world. Why? O.k., maybe it shouldn't be the kids I laugh at, but their parents. I mean, like it's their fault.Screw it, I'll bag on both.

So I was out and about one day, probably to purchase porn, and I happened to get hungry. I decided to stop at the closest place to grab some grub for my piehole, which just so happened to be none other than a McDonald's.

I really can't stand the place, due to the fact that they have cheeseburgers and chicken "cordon bleu" on the same menu ("Oh look, honey, they have a little 'ole bit of everything!!"), but it was convenient. I also forgot to mention that this was one of those that had a playground.

I go in and am instantly uneasy at the uncharacteristic amount of children that are about. Mind you, I have no ill will towards an establishment that is trying to allow parents a place for themselves and their children to go, but you have to understand what these salivating miniature goblins were wearing.

Case-in-point; I saw a baby, a very SMALL baby, with a pink spandex headband stretched across it's bald skull, all of which was topped off by a bow that had to have a wingspan of 4 feet. Dude, I was afraid that if the a/c would have kicked on, the kid would have been airborne. To move on...

I went, ordered my food, waited until apparently they slaughtered the cow and (de)processed the beef, grabbed my slug-o-food and decided hey, this is a nice day, why not go out to the play area's tables and eat?

This was the beginning of the end.

Outside, I sat next to this miniaturized ball pit and gorged myself on my meal. No sooner had the final chunk slid down to my stomach did this child take a running leap into the small ball pit to my side. The child dove in face first, which looked like fun.... and then the smell hit.

Apparently this micro pit was where they stored the dead cow carcasses, because I immediately felt my stomach ball up like a fist and prepare to expel it's new contents. I stood, and walked quickly to the door, which also passed by the little slide tube thingy.

The second odor that hit me was like a cross between curdled shit and swamp foot that had been hermetically sealed in a lab to be used as a biological war agent. Stomach knot number two came like a freight train on cocaine, and I had to grasp my side to keep from painting the foam mat under my feet safety orange. I sped up my beeline for the shitter and prepare for the worst.

So I finally make it to the bathroom and head to the handicapped stall so I would have handles to balance myself with while I made like a shot-put competition and hurled. As I took my position, legs spread, readying for the worst, I felt that last knot start to ease. Holy shit, I might actually make it out of this one with my lunch!

As I'm breathing deep breaths of joy, the door opens. In walks a little adolescent boy and his older brother. I hear the older boy tell his younger brother to" Turn around, let me look at your pants". Then, after some "Aww, man"-ing from the semi-adult, I hear the words that send me over the edge....

"You shit on the slide again, didn't you?"

When I eventually walked out of that bathroom, not a single white tile remained.

~Dan