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I am so goddam sick and tired of seeing pictures in the sports serction of my local rag of every Gomer and his son standing by their truck whilst holding the head of the trough-fed *trophy* buck that they harvested during the past weekend. The whole deer hunting mentality pisses me off. They call it *wildlife management* these days--I call it herding.

Basically you plant your fields with bambi food and they come-a-running. The meat isn't even worth a shit. I have had good deer meat on a few occasions, but only after it had been seasoned to high heaven and cooked for days in a crock pot to tenderize the it. I know one-only one- hunter that just admits that he does it because he likes the thrill of killing a helpless animal. (He once told me a story of shooting a deer off of the porch of a hunting lodge with an army surplus .50 caliber gun. messy) Honesty gets a long way with me.

Anyway, big antlered bucks dont get very long to rut in forests full of fat service station attendants with sprogs as young as 7 or 8 in tow. Natural selection should soon take over and deer with small or no antlers, those most likely to survive, will hopefully become the most successful spreaders of their seed. Unless the rules change.....

For every self-righteous fucker who calls this slaughter a *sport*, I propose some new legislation. I believe that nothing is a sport unless the participants have something to lose. I know that hunters get happy every year and shoot cousin Kyle or the like. This isn't enough to make it a sport, because safe and intelligent hunters may be able to avoid these types of hazards. These clods are just as likely to kill someone while passing on a double yellow than shoot them while climbing a barb-wire fence. I want a lottery to be held every year for the privilege of becoming the "Hunter-Killer" for the season.

The Hunter-Killer is licensed to be the malignant force in the forest with a bag limit of 5 hunters for the entire season....total immunity. The victims must be in the act of Hunting defenseless animals when they are taken. Guns, bow and arrow, spears, leg traps, anything goes for the HK. Victims of the HK will have their heads mounted and displayed on the wall of the new "Outdoor Sporting Museum" which will be funded by entry fees from the HK lottery.

The wonderful thing about the HK is the psychological effect that it will have on the sport of hunting. No one will know if the person they happen upon in the woods is a fellow hunter or the HK. Talk around hunting stores will shift from the buck scent du jour to updates of the HK's progress and his score for the year. I wonder how many people would go hunting on the last day of the season if the HK only had gotten around to 2 kills for the season so far.

That trophy buck will take on a whole new meaning to those who still have the balls to go out and chase it.

Play Fair, or Beware,

Fatty