E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
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Gawd, I loved majoring in biology. Too bad my grades sucked and I
changed to business. The lab projects were more fun than the entire
debit and credits. And speaking of credits, in Vertebrate Zoology we
could earn extra credit by bringing in the fresh skull of a warm
blooded specie. Not just any old dirty piece of boned brainbucket,
but a new one, clean and bright, fit for display.
credit given to original author if known
My fraternity brother Greg and I pondered our sources for specimen
samples over a few beers one afternoon. A taste for roadkill set upon
us, and we proceeded out with the idea for improving our grade point
Inventorying our portable laboratory equipment in the trunk of my car,
we could choose from an axe or a crow bar. To that we added a lab
apron, Playtex (TM) Living Gloves, some industrial size green bean
cans from the dining hall dumpster, and some lye.
South Georgia highways were generally filled with roadkill, and the
idea was to find something small, easy, and not too smelly. And if
there were no fresh kills, hell, we'd run us one down. Greg claimed
the first prize, which was a rabbit. After sniffing it for freshness
and checking for tire marks on the fur, he flung it into his bean can
and announced that he had his specimen.
Further down Hwy 46, I slowed as I approached this lump on the
shoulder. Ahhhh yes, a nice yellow dog, darwinized as he was trying to
cross the road. Lucky me, still fresh enough! Can't say much for the
balls and ass portion, but at least whatever did him in, knocked him
into the grass in the front yard of a mobile home where it's head
couldn't get smashed over.
I measured Yeller for my bean can ... Hmmmm ... whole dog won't fit in
this can. I needed a bigger can, ... or a smaller dog. Therefore, this
one required an immediate spinal adjustment before transporting it
back for cleaning. Young Dr. BigSqUeeZe, Chiropractor.. Yeah, right!
I noticed some yardsprogs playing in front of the trailer and wondered
if earlier they had patted Old Yeller on the head and fed him his last
bone. I chuckled thinking maybe Old Yeller had playfully tackled one
of the sproglets by the leg and tried to slip him the pinkbone
Gloved, and donning my rubber lab apron, in classic bio-black, I
looked down at the axe .. then back at Old Yeller .. then back at the
Shitfire! ... Dull glubdamn axe. Why ain't there a good chainsaw
around when you need one?
A few more whacks and off rolled the head. Strips of chopped dog fur
dangled, dripping doggie slobber that drained out of the other end of
the neck. The tongue hung out the side, so I lopped it off too, since
I didn't need it. Grabbing Old Yeller by the ears, I held him up so
Greg could see. The yardsprogs saw it too.
Lumbering back to the car with doghead in one hand, the axe in the
other, I jammed Old Yeller in my bean can. By that time, the
yardsprogs were going apeshit, screaming and hollering. I left
Rover's remains on the road and figured they could play with what was
left. On the way home we toasted our project's success and quaffed a
few more Pabst Blue Ribbons.
Back in the college's landfill, a/k/a/ trashdump, we built a nice fire
with the idea of boiling our heads for a while in lye to get them
ready for cleaning. Hair sizzled as the skulls stewed. More Pabst as
a ceremonial can was poured into our boil for good measure. Good
thing there was plenty of beers cause that shit stunk.
We'd both had practice in picking barbecue before, but pickin'
doggiecue off Old Yeller was a new experience. Had to be damn careful
not to scar the skull as I scraped the meat away. What was worse, I
had to fight the temptation to sneak a taste. I had looked around for
an ant bed but didn't see any. Woulda been nice to have some help
from Mother Nature.
After cleaning, our specimens sat on the ledge outside the dorm room
window, until the stink went away. When it rained, the last of the
doggie stock dripped from the ledge onto the students below exiting
I looked forward to experiments in Anatomy and Physiology. Too
fuckin' bad I changed majors first.