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This might qualify as Tasteless, why I hate the hospital. Get to the end, it still gives me nightmares. I landed myself in the hospital about 3 years ago after a bunch of us decided it would be a good idea to go sledding on a mere inch of snow in a New York City golf course. This inch of snow turned into a sheet of ice, so we were flying.
credit given to original author if known
Dumb ass that I think it would be great fun to do the hill with a jump on a sheet of ice. I hit and I hear and feel something crack. I laid there for a good 10 minutes with everyone screaming "oh get up already" while I can't even move my legs. I didn't know what I had done to myself, I thought I had just dislocated my hip, something like that.
My brother and his evil best friend helped me out of the golf course and I'm about .2 seconds from passing out from the pain. They tell me they were hearing my bones crack away. They squished me (and I'm 5'10, pretty tall for a chick) into a little 2 door Saturn over my screams and the crackling of bone. When I got to the hospital and they were taking me out of the car I'm just like "be gentle with me will ya, getting into the car was the worst experience of my life, I don't want to repeat it. You guys don't hurt me I'll love you forever." Then I passed out.
Let me tell you this is like the shittiest hospital in all of the 5 boroughs. After sitting there for 5 hours I'm finally like "what did I do to myself, I can't move my legs." The head nurse is like "Honey you probably just bruised a bone." So another 5 hours pass before they send me in for x-rays. Bruise a bone my ass, the x-ray tech says "the nurses were making fun of you, they are all joking about what you said when they took you out of the car. Let me tell you something though, you are a tough chick, we get men in here screaming crying having done what you did." I'm pissed to hear they were making fun of me, I wasn't crying, or screaming, or even bitching. I'm like "So what did I do to myself?"
He LAUGHED and said "you broke your pelvis in 4 places, one of the worst I've ever seen." It was not funny if you ask me, bastards. Needless to say I got shot up with Morphine and I was never so grateful for anything before and since for that matter. The bitch that's the head nurse was trying to put in the catheter. She cannot find my urethra, she's stabbing away for what feels like hours. All the time saying "I'm sorry I always have a little trouble with this."
She eventually had to get someone else to do it, whom by the way, got it the first shot. But I'm jacked up on morphine so I don't care, I'm just saying, this hospital SUCKS. Now I ramble so let me get to the gross things that happened upstairs. Very strangely the first one is the lamest and the last one is the worst. I wake up one night feeling like I'm pissing, with an amazing pressure on my bladder. I'm ringing the nurse, as the pain gets worse and worse, I thought my bladder was going to explode.
She does not show up for an hour and when she does it turned out the tube had wrapped around my leg, so nothing was getting out just pushing back in. It is not a pleasant feeling, morphined out of your head and everything. Then she asks me how I broke my pelvis and then asks, get this "How come white people always hurt themselves doing dumb things?" Fuck her.
5 days pass and they do not change the location of my IV. I'm in real pain from this complaining to every nurse. They are saying "Oh the next shift will change that for you." I mean which each passing shift it got worse, to the point it felt like I had a rusty nail driven into my arm. It started to turn green around the needle and you could feel a hard vein all the way from my elbow to my wrist. Finally I take a deep breath and yank the sucker out myself. Sure enough a green ooze follows, and I officially hated all those damn nurses from that point forward.
Maybe they sensed I hated them, I paid further. When they took my catheter out, they gave me a bed pan. With a broken pelvis, they cannot cast you but your body defends itself from movement and you become temporarily paralyzed from the waist down. (they also neglected to tell me I'd be paralyzed for a few weeks and I was freaking out for a good 3 days wondering why I couldn't move my legs) It hurt like hell to just shift a bit, so pissing in the bed pan was quite the obstacle and took some practice.
The first time, was a disaster. I missed, completely missed so here I am lying in my own piss. I'm ringing and ringing and getting no reply. I cannot do much more then shimmy, but somehow I managed to wiggle the sheets out from under me. But now I'm still wet and sticking to the rubber underneath. I think it was worse that way. The fucking nurse does not show up for an hour again and then she LAUGHS at me and says "I would have changed that for you, you shouldn't have moved."
By now I've had enough of their lazy ass shit and say "Fuck you, seriously fuck you, I was ringing for an hour. If you don't want to help people why are you a nurse? You and all your little nurse friends can suck my ass. Leaving me to lie in my own piss for an hour, fuck you."
Then I threw the piss sheet in her face with a wet "whack", she wasn't very happy with me. My last day is what's going to make this whole long ass complaint worthwhile. I got a new roommate. She was about 70 years old and she STUNK. Not of body odor but of rotten, stinking pussy. She was also completely mental and sang "Ave Maria" very, very badly for hours on end all the while in between giggling and saying things like "God loves me" and "I've got a friend in Jesus"
I hate the hospital, may I never have to go back again. I awake in the middle of the night to moaning, sexual moaning, she'd have put the most vocal of porn stars to shame. I open my eyes and UGGHHH, the dividing sheets are open. Sure enough there she is plugging away at her hole spread eagle facing me.
Now I cannot move very far at all like I said and I cannot reach the rope to pull the curtain. It was a horrifying sight. She had boils all over her legs, her snatch was gray and her hands gnarled from arthritis. Remember I said she stunk of rotting pussy, now she's spread eagle plugging away and its the worst, most offensive odor ever to assault my nostrils. A combination of fish, death and body odor.
It was horrendous, between the sight, the smell and the sound of this psycho old broad moaning, I used my bed pan for something else, vomit. I didn't know 70 yr. old woman masturbate, and its a sight I hope you never have to behold. Worse I think she orgasmed finally, cause she quieted for a few minutes, said "Thank you my lord" then pulled the curtain closed. I escaped the evil nurses and rotten pussy smelling old broad the next day. I was never so relieved to see home in my life.