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Last night we tried a shezuan (sp) restaurant near our place. It was very good, I scarfed down a plate of tofu (tasteless in it's own right) and a bunch of those very thin noodles. It was all a bit too spicy for the missus but I like spicy food and ate like an Ethiopian chewing on a dead water buffalo.

I should have been suspicious when our grinning waitress asked "yoo rike da foo?" for the third time. At home I just plopped on the couch after eating far too much. A couple of hours later the developing FecoFetus hinted at it's existence. ...rumble... churn... rumble... then all was ominously silent.

Fast forward to this morning.

I got to work with some bad cramps in the lower end of my alimentary canal. Off to the washroom I trotted. On the throne my cramps came in waves, I thought my pink asterisk was going to explode but then SQUIRT.. POP... SQUIIIIIRRRRRRTTT! Out flew some FecoLava, a smouldering nugget, and more FecoLava. My ass was in convulsions from just this little bit of superhot nuclear waste. Wiping hurt, and I had to wipe a lot as with each convulsion another stream of molten LiquiTurd spat out of my pimple covered ass.

Finally it subsided. The FecoFetus taunted me with a quiver but no more of it's sinister gift was forthcoming. Off to my desk I slowly walked, my ass still burning and the words "you rike da foo?" echoing in my pain-addled mind.

No more than 3 minutes after I sat at my desk the FecoFetus awoke.

Einstein proposed energy being proportional to mass, well I swear there was the superdense core of a long burnt out star in my rectum ready to release it's payload of energy through my quivering anus.

It was as if the initial burst of TurdSpray was it's water breaking; the Beast would be born, and it would be born NOW. Rushing back to the washroom I plopped my ass to the seat that was still warm from my episode just moments before. This time the FecoFetus was not to play kind. It started with a large mass of semi-solid ooze then followed by a spectacular spray of horribly smelling brown spray that coated the bowl and my ass cheeks....

[Now, I don't believe in god, devils, etc, but what followed was evil. Not your Charles Manson WimpyEvil, but truly wicked. Something from the bottom layers of Hell was to use my anus as a gateway between our plane of existence and the netherworldly depths of Hades that Dante described in Inferno.]

.... My anus spread open as something that felt like the downpipe of your house's eavestroughing extruded from my ass. It kept coming out for a good 8 seconds then stopped. The Beast was mocking me. I pushed and it resumed it's journey through the portal into our world. The blistering pain of my anus spread to about a 6-8 cm radius around ground zero. After what seemed an eternity the thing fell to the water, splashing cool water mixed with LiquiShit all over my smouldering ass.

All I could do was sit there for a moment to collect my thoughts, wipe the sweat off my forehead and make sure I was intact. I had to see just what form of demon had crossed the space-time continuum from the underworld via my anus. There it was. In a dark brown broth of gastric juices and semi-digested filth bobbed the beast. Four points peeked above the waterline like a crocodile looks from the swamp. They proceeded to submerge as if knowing they had been spotted. Randomly, the beast would peek up from the murky depths to tease me then submerge back into the mire.

Wiping my ass reminded me of how happy I was we had decent two-ply paper. I wiped up, down, both cheeks, then more of my anus until no remnants of the FecoFetus remained on the paper. There were small splotches of blood on the asswipe, a small price to pay for being a part of history I guess.

And it's only Tuesday.