Installing USB Devices: A Definitive How To.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, installing new computer hardware used to be quite a challenge. Because back in the day, nothing good could be simply plugged in, no. Any worthwhile upgrade had to be installed internally, which meant overcoming several obstacles which were quite daunting for the average person. First you had to steel yourself up to peeling back the "VOID IF REMOVED" stickers that the manufacturer put on the back of your computer cover. Then the biggie... setting such goodies as the DMA Channel, IRQ number, and Port address. "200? 220? 240? IRQ 5 vs 3 vs 9? What the fuck?!" Then you had to find the appropriate vacant bus slot and get the card seated just right. And the software install? God help you if you didn't know your way around the CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT. What the fuck was the average computer user to do? In short, nothing. No, the average computer user had to reply upon the skills of their local nerd whenever a computer upgrade was attempted. That was The Way It Was.

And then, A New Hope. Behold the dawn of the Universal Serial Bus, or USB, to the masses. USB reduced hardware installs to a painfully simple process: Follow The Fucking Instructions. That's it. You didn't need to know anything about your computer's existing hardware, anything about what drivers you already had loaded, or what operating system service pack you had. You didn't even need to figure out what slot you plugged your new deevice plugged into - all USB slots are all the same! Yes, all you had to do was one simple things to enjoy your new USB device: Follow The Fucking Instructions. And to expound upon that, the instructions to install any USB device can be boiled down as follows: First load the software, then plug in the new device.

That's it. It's a very simple premise. So let me ask you something. Do you put your shoes on before you put your socks on? No, of course you don't. Especially if each morning, sitting atop your footwear, was an enormous color coded postcard that read, "DO NOT PUT YOUR SHOES ON UNTIL AFTER YOU HAVE PUT YOUR SOCKS ON FIRST." I mean even if you don't know a single thing about computers (or getting dressed), you'd at least be able to follow simple instructions like that, right? Because that's all there is to it. Nothing else. No DMA channels or interrupt conflicts. No DIP switches or setting of bus speeds. Just true, honest to goodness 'plug-and-play' that nerds of yesterday only dreamed about. And all a person has to do is, you guessed it, Follow The Fucking Instructions. Instructions which are presented in step-by-step fashion to where even the biggest fucking idiot could readily keep up:

You're looking at five idiot-proof steps -- and I'm very serious when I say this -- you have to actually work at fucking up a USB device install. It has to be a conscious effort. You have to wake up that morning and say to yourself, "My life is too easy. I'm going to make my life difficult, as well as the life of those around me." In order to fail with USB you have to come home from Best Buy, unwrap that new toy you bought, stare right at the five illustrated "QUICK INSTALLATION INSTRUCTIONS" and then you have to choose to fuck things up. You have to choose to transform a very simple task into a very difficult one. You have to choose to not Follow The Fucking Instructions. By performing something like this:

And here's a newsflash you you. The first thing I'm going to ask -- and it's a question I'll already know the answer to but I'll ask it anyway just to hear you lie to me -- is, "Did you follow the instructions?" I know what you're going to say. I know what you're going to say will be anything but the truth. This is just a question I ask so I have a few seconds to silently curse under my breath. You're going to say you did. And here's what's going to happen next. I'm going to tell you to take unplug the USB device, eject the CD, turn your computer off, turn your computer on, and this time... Follow The Fucking Instructions. Now I know, this is an easy five minute process. Think about that: five minutes. Three hundred seconds. That's a long time. So when thirty seconds later you say, "Okay, I did that and it didn't work." I'll know you're lying again. You were incapable of following five instructions when they were illustrated with color drawings, so I don't know what made me think you could follow five verbal instructions but again, I had to go through the motions. Amazed at my fortune telling skills? Wait, because there's more. Here comes the big finale. I'm going to ask you a very direct question, "You unplugged your new USB ethernet adapter, ejected the CD, rebooted your computer, and reinstalled the software... just now?" And here's what you're going to say -- and you're actually going to believe this is a valid answer to my question -- you're going to answer, "I think so."

And in the end, I know that it will take less time and be less frustrating to me to get in my car, drive an hour to your house, and Follow The Fucking Instructions for you, than it will for me to try to walk you through this over the phone. Why? Because for some reason I can not understand, you are incapable of Following The Fucking Instructions.