E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

I would like to set the record straight and assure you all that these incidents are simple misunderstanding that have been blown out of proportion by the media. I will now explain what really happened in each incident outlined in the Pentagon report.

6.a. (S) Punching, slapping, and kicking detainees; jumping on their naked feet;

Now this is simply a misunderstanding. Nobody jumped on the detainees feet. The soldiers were merely trying to teach the detainees a little bit about American culture, when a very enthusiastic lesson on the 'Hokey Pokey' -- specifically during the "put your right foot in" part --just simply went awry. Furthermore, this situation was exasperated in such cramped quarters when they try to "turn yourself around". That's all it was. Nothing to see here, move along.

6.b. (S) Videotaping and photographing naked male and female detainees;

What? Now do you see how stereotypical the media can be? There can be Russian mail order brides. Korean mail order brides. Thai mail order brides. But noooo, one entrepreneurial solder wants to get a jump on a photo catalog for Iraqi mail order brides, and suddenly he's a bad guy. That's not fair.

6.c. (S) Forcibly arranging detainees in various sexually explicit positions for photographing;

With the removal of Uday from the their Olympic committee, there is more enthusiasm in Iraqi sports. These men were merely being coaches in some cheer leading, specifically the human pyramids. We've all see it done in "Bring It On", and they're just trying to adapt the same steps there in Iraq. Because the detainees are so new at this, the fine form of the pyramid was not easily seen, and thus misunderstood as something else by the chicken hawk media. Bastards.

6.d. (S) Forcing detainees to remove their clothing and keeping them naked for several days at a time;

Uh, it's Iraq. It's hot. Duh.

6.e. (S) Forcing naked male detainees to wear women’s underwear;

Hey! Hey! This whole war was about bring democracy and freedom to Iraq. And if this guy wants to wear women's underwear, then who the hell are we to judge him? What he does behind closed doors is his own business, not yours. So get your damn cameras out of here and give the man his space. Freedom of choice, people. Don't judge.

6.f. (S) Forcing groups of male detainees to masturbate themselves while being photographed and videotaped;

Again, just a misunderstanding by the media. These individuals were compensated for their actions with money and marijuana. So now, if you order one copy of "Girls Gone Wild" and get a complimentary copy of "Detainees Gone Wild" for free! Shipping and Handling not included.

6.g. (S) Arranging naked male detainees in a pile and then jumping on them;

Oh, and now you're going to tell me that you've never played naked Twister, right? Don't judge!

6.h. (S) Positioning a naked detainee on a MRE Box, with a sandbag on his head, and attaching wires to his fingers, toes, and penis to simulate electric torture;

No, no, no. Everyone was playing hide-and-go-seek. As there really aren't many places to hide in a jail cell obviously, this resourceful fellow was merely disguising himself as a floor lamp. And he remained completely hidden, I might add, until he sneezed. And yes, he did win, by the way.

6.i. (S) Writing “I AM A RAPEST” (sic) on the leg of a detainee alleged to have forcibly raped a 15-year old fellow detainee, and then photographing him naked;

This was simply a misspelling, brought on by the difficulties of communicating between two different languages. This individual is an up and coming musician looking to get his big break with the recently paroled Suge Knight. He hopes to be the first Iraqi RAP-ARTIST. See, no cause for concern. He's just chillin in his cell, beyotch!

6.j. (S) Placing a dog chain or strap around a naked detainee’s neck and having a female Soldier pose for a picture;

Again, who are we to judge what people do behind closed doors. As long as this detainee can afford the $3.99 per minute to be treated this way by a dominatrix, I don't see the problem. Neither do you, DO YOU SLAVE?

6.k. (S) A male MP guard having sex with a female detainee;

You liberals. First we wage war. And you piss and moan about how we should make love not war. Now we make love instead of war, and you complain about that. Is there on pleasing you? Make up your mind!?

6.l. (S) Using military working dogs (without muzzles) to intimidate and frighten detainees, and in at least one case biting and severely injuring a detainee;

Duh, have none of you seen Oz? Prison officials everywhere will tell you working with animals is great way to teach the prisoners responsibility and encourage them to cultivate a sense of compassion for other living creatures. Everyone knows the best way to reward a dog for obeying your commands is by giving them treats. So how can you possibly give a dog a Scooby snack if he's got a muzzle on? You can't. Some of these dogs don't get much attention, so they're very enthusiastic sometimes. We just have to work with the dogs a little bit to teach them to "take it nice" when they get their treats. That's all.

6.m. (S) Taking photographs of dead Iraqi detainees;

Hello? Crime has been running rampant in Iraq, especially in the big cities. Murder, rape, theft, and of course, insurance fraud. These photographs were taken to simply put any insurance matters to rest and bring closure.

8.a. (U) Breaking chemical lights and pouring the phosphoric liquid on detainees;

C'mon, all these lights are non-toxic. Ask any raver.

8.b. (U) Threatening detainees with a charged 9mm pistol;

I've threatened to not pay my taxes. I've threatened to quit my job. But I'm still doing both. So as long as they don't actually use the pistol, what's the problem?

8.c. (U) Pouring cold water on naked detainees;

It's Iraq. It's hot. Duh.

8.d. (U) Beating detainees with a broom handle and a chair;

Again, more cultural differences leading to a simple misunderstanding. The percentage of Hispanic personnel in Coalition forces is at some of the highest levels in history. In an effort to exchange cultural ideas, some prisoners just simply didn't understand what was going on. What's one man's abuse is another man's game of "pinata". Everyone tears dried in the end and everyone got candy. What's the big deal?

8.e. (U) Threatening male detainees with rape;

Well, as long as they don't actually rape the male prisoner, what's the problem?

8.f. (U) Allowing a military police guard to stitch the wound of a detainee who was injured after being slammed against the wall in his cell;

What? This soldier pick up a wounded man, giving him first aid, treating his wounds, and sewing them shut to prevent infection,and he's a bad guy now? How's that happen? Now if that's not unfair bias, then I don't know what is.

8.g. (U) Sodomizing a detainee with a chemical light and perhaps a broom stick;

A chemical light? Folks, this was just a simple mistake because of American pop culture. The detainee expressed that he was thirsty and asked for something to drink. After this incident in question, the detainee turned to the guards and clarified, "No I said a BUD light." After that miscommunication was worked out, the prisoner got something to drink and everyone was happy. Now you can't blame us when someone from a foreign place misunderstands our television commercials.

8.h. (U) Using military working dogs to frighten and intimidate detainees with threats of attack, and in one instance actually biting a detainee;

Again, this was explained earlier. These poor working animals are being kept in kennels, far from their home turf where they feel comfortable, and they're a little starved for human attention. If they get a little overly enthusiastic sometimes, it's not on purpose. Throw his ball for him!

I hope these explanations can put some of your fears and concerns to rest.

Your Ambassador to the Stars,

Ernie