E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

Alright, I know that immediately upon reading the subject, I've got a few people right in the Philly area going, "WTF! Ernie came down to Philly and didn't tell me?!?!" Fret not, fair reader (and fair Sir JimBeau), for this trip came up rather unexpectedly and wasn't supposed to have any free time -- the only reason we did have time to go out is because some co-workers got hung up on 24 hour beeper and couldn't go anywhere. Think of it this way, next trip, I'll know where to go.

But with that out of the way, please allow me to spin my tale here. Now some of you may already know that I fucking *loathe* going to Philadelphia. Or actually, any place in Pennsylvania for that matter. But trying to make the best of it, myself and two worker-buds (whom I'll call AJ and John, their named changed to protect the married) ventured out from our room at the Harlem-Inn to check out some of the local entertainment and see what we could find. First thing out of the gate was a Hooters restaurant. No big deal...chicks in short shorts and tight tops where the amount of their tip is directly proportional to how new their Wonder Bra is. Woo hoo, big fun. So after 5 pitchers of beer one of the guys, AJ,  was in the john recycling beer when he broke one of the cardinal rules of manhood... he spoke to another guy while at the urinal. And I'm glad he did to be honest with you, because he asked this guy where the local strip joints are. And bless this guy's heart, told us exactly where they were. Take 76E towards Philadelphia (keep in mind we were actually in another shit hole suburb of Philly, called "King of Prussia" -- like that place isn't screaming for a name change), take the Penrose Ave exit, follow to Delaware Ave and presto.

So off in our rented Lumina we go. Hunk of shit. Anyway, about 20 minutes we're toolin down Delaware Ave, and we come across the SS United States. Gotta tell ya I was pretty impressed, this fucker was so big I almost thought it was a warehouse at first, until I noticed the two smokestacks on top. Very famous ship, too -- set all kinds of speed records. 110 feet longer then the Titanic. Why do I mention this ship you might ask? Simple. Because 1/4 mile past the United States (which will be on your right) you see the "Show'n'Tell" on your left -- big pink sign, can't miss it. Gotta drive about 500ft past it to bang a u-turn though because of the meridian, parking right out front.

Ok, so we go in and take a look around. This place is a porn shop with a strip joint in the back. We ask the guy how much to get in the back. "Ten bucks and bring your own beer." What? Doth my ears deceive me? Bring your own beer? You mean we won't have to pay $5.50 for a warm glass of Schlitz? Hey, this place may be alright.  So we ask him where to get some beers and again we're given some directions. We drove down a street that I can only refer to as "The Scene From Death Wish IV Street". You want to talk about not feeling safe, Jesus Christ. So we pull over at "Quong's i Just Got Off The Slow Boat From China" 24 hour inconvenient store. AJ runs -- and I mean fucking runs -- into the store and gets a 12 pack of beer. While he's in there a little 4 man mini-gang war starts out front and these guys are yelling at each other like black stand up comedy. "Yo I got a motherfuckin banana in my ear." Anyway, AJ passes his money through the turntable of bullet proof plexiglass (no shit), gets the brewskis and again, runs back to the car. I'm sitting with the engine running wait for the "Cops" film crew to show up. We're outta there faster then you can say "Misplaced white man in a black man's neighborhood."

So back at the Show'n'Tell we park, pay our $10 and head back to in to check out the goods. Gotta tell ya folks, at first sight I wasn't that impressed. Mirrored stage with 3 poles, and only one girl dancing. Bar stools going around the stage/bar and a few tables set up in the back. We claim a table & three chairs and start cracking the beers. Its then that I also see the couches -- the place where the chicks will take you to give you a one-on-one dance. Keep this in mind, very important for later. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Check my watch -- 9:30 at night. Some guys had beer coolers, and hell this one group even carried in a fucking keg. i think I like thi s place! First chick comes over to us after about 10 minutes. Neat little trick, you hold up a dollar bill, she'll take it from you using her cleavage. Which was pretty impressive considering she was probably 34B. So, I did that five times. A couple more for her snatch, and hey, I'm good.

Then closer to about 10 o'clock, my honeybunch came out. Ah my sweet suarplum's name is "Janine". She was a tall 5'8" blonde of 34D proportions. Fake, yeah, but who cares. Now my boss took a liking to her, so being the cool guy that I am (and hoping to get a few extra points in my review which is due in two weeks) I approach her, slip her a $10 and ask her to say hell to my boss. Which she does, which lays a fucking grin on him that nearly net in the back of his fucking head. Sweet, my review is in the bag. When she's done she comes over to me and sits on my lap to say thank you. No, no 'what pops up' joke. First thing I have to notice about her is even though she's only wearing a thong, wow is she warm, and man i mean *warm*. Made me sleepy, to tell you the truth. So just because I'm a nice guy I feed her a few more dollar bills to rub her cans in my face. Is this a great country or what? So I monopolized her time for about 20 minutes by wowing her with my tales of computer tech support. Ha! No really I used $1 bills. Man she was warm.

Anyway, right after this she goes off to work other parts of the room and we venture up to the stage to see what's shaking. No pun intended. And here's where I discover something that really disturbed me. And I shit you not. One of the things the girls do at this place (and I say 'this place' because I haven't seen it in any of the other places I've seen before), is the girl on stage will lie on her back, spread her legs wide -- and I mean wide like fucking goal posts -- and the guys will throw crumpled up $1 bills at her pussy. No shit. Now I'm not one to say anything is moral or immoral, but God damn. And every once in awhile one of the guys would get in a good shot and bean her right in the snatch, he's stand up and give a drunken cheer and his buddies would high five him. Disturbing, let me tell you. My boss did over threw one, bounced it off her stomach, off her left tit, and right in the side of her head. Two things happened at this point. A little angel appeared on my shoulder and said, "oh how demeaning." And a little devil appeared on my other shoulder and laughed out loud. I laughed with him. But then I thought about it and hey...I watched this chick pull in $21 in a two minute barrage. That's over $600 an hour -- who's the smarty pants now? Oh, I threw $3 myself but didn't hit anything. Dammit.

Now let's fast forward to 11 o'clock /four beers later. Place is much busier now (keep in mind this is a Monday night). And then they start 'the show' -- two chick lesbian scene. And who are the two chicks? The first is the one we dubbed "The Librarian" because she had glasses, real sophisticated looking, oh and a great set of cans on her too. And the other chick? Janine. <grin> And Mondays are usually bad days for me. Now they start off  sucking on each other's tits like starving newborns. Good. Move on to eating box...and when i say eating box folks, I mean they were doing 69 and i swear they were gonna come up with brown noses. These chicks were getting into it!  At this point I'm actually contemplating moving to Philadelphia and factoring in an extra $300 a month into my household bills. I must also point out at this point that these events were MC'd by this skinny little annoying black girl who had a voice that would shatter reinforced concrete. "Yesss Dat is how ya do it...dat is how ya lick da pussay!". Oh my Christ, I'm like "Where the fuck is Arthur Shawcross when you need him?" Well, if you could tune this Annoy'a'Bitch out, it was a rather, ahem, entertaining show.

But wait, there's more. Upon conclusion of their holy union, Janine and the Librarian each got a little bottle of cherries and a can of whipped cream. My interest peaking, I step closer to the stage. What the Librarian was doing was putting whipped cream on her tit, just above the nipple (which were fantastic I might add) and then plopping a cherry on top. A patron, oh say, such as myself, could eat said whipped cream and cherry off her tit for a mere $5. A Boobie Sundae. At this point the Gods smiled upon me. I just so happened to have six, count them, six $5 bills in my pocket. And with great vigor I elbowed my way to the stage and plopped down twenty bucks. "Two on each." Hey like my mom says, if you're going to do something, do it well. And yes, despite all rules, I did achieve nipple lickage. Four times. (Hey they say the tongue is the strongest muscle in your body and hey, what do you know, it is!)

Now my attention turns back to Janine. Heh heh heh. She had another trick going, so eloquently named the "Clit Rub." Take one cherry, rub on her elbow, no just kidding, not her elbow you idiot. She rubs it on the ol man in the boat. Rubs it through her pussy lips a few times, squirts whipped cream on it and holds it in her teeth. And again, a patron, oh say, such as myself, could retrieve said whipped cream covered cherry for a mere $5. Ladies and gentlemen I'll be god damned if those two remaining $5 bills didn't just leap right out of my pocket and up on stage. And what do you know? Her tongue is almost as strong as mine! (Yeah I know, one might wonder, "Where has that mouth been?" but you know what -- When your BAC is like .15 you really don't give a flying fuck. Besides I had a chubby you could have pounded nails with.) At this point I propose marriage but she says its too early. Damn, have to try again later on.

Sometime later that night I also got a couch dance from Janine. I say 'sometime' because by then it could have been sunrise and I wouldn't have known the difference. The couch dances cost $20 and last 4 minutes. Gotta tell ya folks, some of the best 4 minutes of my fucking life here. They (i.e. the club) have two rules with the girls. Don't touch nipples, don't touch snatch. Other then that, anything is fair game just so long its okay with the girls. I'd assume slipping a finger into her bunghole is probably out of the question too, but wasn't going to push the envelope. Well, I went one for two. And I say again, man she was warm. One great thing about fake boobs -- your nips are always hard. And I did my best to do chin ups off em. Sigh, four minutes never came (hee hee) and went so quickly. I propose marriage again, but alas, she kisses me on the cheek and calls me a sweetie and says I'm one of the more entertaining customer she's had in awhile, but must turn me down again. Sigh.

With broken heart and stumbling feet, we left around 1am or so. Did have to be to work at 7am and had a long drive back to the hotel. (Be advised they do have an ATM inside, but it changes a $3 tranaction fee.)

Went back two days later, Janine wasn't there that night. Did meet a really hot dancer called "CJ" who had beautiful hair and some very interesting tattoo work on her back. Got a couch dance from her too. Since we discovered she had a special thing where she'd put one leg on the couch itself and the other on the back of the couch...leveling her honeypot about 2" from your face -- at this point I quickly popped my head down between her legs, put on a big shit eating grin, and gave the thumbs up...and co-worked clicked the picture. See, even when I go out of town to watch naked chicks I'm thinking of my humorlist! Film should be developed later tomorrow and if it comes out OK It'll be on the website ASAP.

Oh, also went back to Hooters for their swimsuit competition/t-shirt auction -- really some great looking babes -- but some asshead paid $200 fucking dollars for one of the girl's T-shirts. Now granted this chick was absolutely stunning, but damn, two hunded fucking dollars? For a T-shirt? Hell there wasn't any whipped cream on it. Dumb ass! The whole time I'm thinking, "Wow, that's 10 couch dances with Janine."

Is this a great country or what?

And with that, we were off to catch a 4pm flight on Friday. Cancelled, delayed, delayed, cancelled, delayed, cancelled, etc, etc, etc. Ended up flying out of that God forsaken airport at 10pm to fucking Providence, RI. From there had to rent a fucking car and drive two fucking hours to get home. I hate Pennsylvania again.