E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

At 09:52 PM 9/12/2001 -0400, Airman John Gaughan wrote:

I am in the military and did you know Osama Bin Laden has a bounty on my head for the equivalent of $15,000 US -- in whatever currency his country uses -- just because I am in the US Air Force. He has a bounty on the rest of everyone else's heads for $8,000 -- just because we are American. Considering what his people earn in a year, it would be like me giving you $6,000,000 to go kill I don't know...a Canadian. Why? Because he is Canadian, no other reason.

Well, worked for him. Should work for me.

HEAR YE! HEAR YE! HEAR YE!

It shall henceforth be known that I, Ernie "The Hammer" Stewart of EHOWA fame, am putting a bounty on the head of one Osama Bin Laden! Not his whole body, just his head, the rest you can keep for whatever barbecuing pleasure you may desire.

Our subject in question is...
- Saudi Arabian national
- Born 1957
- Approx 6'5"
- Approx 160lbs
- Currently living in exile in the mountains of Afghanistan like a little bitch
- Wanted in connection with various terrorist bombings against American citizens
- Considered armed, dangerous, and a complete fuckhead.

To the individual -- regardless of age, color, creed, nationality, gender, religion -- who delivers to me Osama Bin Laden's head on a silver fucking platter, I shall pay the sum of $23,006 dollars and zero cents. Payable in United States currency. No joke. Honest to God.

Sum payable upon receipt of head. Breakdown of bounty is as follows:
$15,000.00 -- for his terrorist actions
$ 8,000.00 -- just because he is an asshole
$ 6.00 -- to buy yourself a nice cold six pack of Sam Adams Boston Lager
------------------
$23,006.00

I intend on eating his eyes and then boring out his head with a power drill and using his brain pan to store leftover bacon grease.

As additional incentives, if his face is still wearing the same look of fear as when you killed him, I will award the additional prize of one 1995 Dodge Ram 1500 4x4 pickup truck -- maroon with silver trim with 150,135 miles on the original American ass-kicking 360 cubic inch small block V-8 and four speed automatic trans, power everything, Flowmaster dual-dual exaust that'll make your fucking ears bleed when the windows are down, Jensen stereo system, 9mpg city/17mpg highway, brand new Rancho 9000 adjustable shocks, five new BFGoodrich LT285x75R16 three ply off road tires, new front and rear brakes, Smittybuilt step bars.

Those of you who know me, know I love that truck more than I love myself, and that's saying a lot. I will deliver it to your door, washed, waxed and with a full tank of gas in exchange for Osama's head.

As a final token of incentive, should you delivery his head with his scrawny beard still on it, I will award the additional prize of one (slightly) used Sony Playstation 2, with two controllers, one 8Mb memory card, and the following games: Gran Turismo 3; Grand Theft Auto 3; Madden 2002; Tiger Woods 2001; Spider Man.

I intend on using his beard to scrub the raised white letters on the truck prior to delivery.

Best of luck, and nice doing business with you.
Ernie