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Ask Me About My Clean Colon.

Okay, so my colon cleanse is all said and done, and time for the inside scoop.

First off, many of you are wondering just why in hell would I go through such a thing. Well to be honest, it was this picture that really got my curiosity going. Could I, Lord of the Internet, give birth to such a leviathan? Well, only one way to find out! So I emailed the guy in the article and he fired me off my very own colon cleansing kit.

And for ease of read and understanding, I'll break everything down into everyday terms so nobody gets lost. The regiment of powders and pills seemed a little daunting at first, but once I actually understood what was going on, it was a piece of cake.

There's all sorts of goodies in the package, but he two main elements making up the colon cleanse are the digestive stimulator pills, which I believe are more or less herbal laxatives, and will henceforth be called Poo Pills. Also numerous packets of a toxin absorber powder that you mix with organic fruit juice and slug down. Said stuff will henceforth be referred to as Magic Powder. As a side tidbit for the curious such as I, one of he ingredients in the Magical Powder is bentonite clay. Pet lovers might recognize this as one of the materials in cat litter, woo hoo! (It's the stuff that causes the litter to clump together when wet - very important in the colon thing, as you'll see).

Anyway the program breaks down like this. For the first three days you go through a "pre-cleanse" which is pretty much a period of slowly getting your fat ass to cut back and not eat so heavy. You eat less on day #2 than you did on day #1, and less on day #3 than you did on day #2. Your dinner is followed by one of the packets of Magic Powder dissolved in apple juice which takes on quite the cinnamon smell. Plus each night before bed, you pop some of the Poo Pills to make you quite the bowel moving fool the next day. Nothing horrible -- I wasn't penguin walking towards the bathroom with a clenched sphincter or anything. But when I did make it there, I sure as hell wouldn't want to be the bowl. Poo City.

So that was the first three days... less food, a packet of Magical Powder, and some Poo Pills before bed. No biggie.

Now we start the real fun. Following the pre-cleanse we go through five days of fasting (that means no food for you fat people) and taking the Magical Powder at regular intervals during the day. Now the pamphlet says you don't have to fast. You can pseudo-cheat by eating various uncooked foods like fruits and vegetables and such. Or you can flat out be a pussy and do the program on a lesser degree and eat regularly. Both of which will produce less memorable results in the poo arena than if you fast. And thus, in my quest for as unique an ass plaque as possible, emptied my fridge of all temptations. Gone were all the delectables that can usually be found in my fridge and they were replaced by all sorts of hippie juices: apple, cranberry, banana, carrot, grape, pear, apricot; all organic. Save for a few apples, should I get weak in spirit.

The five day fast works like this. First off, no food, duh. Instead, you take some of the Magical Powder mixed with apple juice every three hours, five times a day. Say for example: 8am, 11am, 2pm, 5pm, and 8pm. And for those of you saying to yourself, "There's no way in hell I can go five days witout eating." I can honestly day I felt the same. But MUCH to my surprise, I wasn't hungry once during the fast. And that's no shit. (and ha, that's no pun intended!) With slugging down this Magical Powder every three hours, my stomach was never empty and I can honestly and truly say I was never hungry. Now I had a desire to eat, but that was more out of habit than anything else. A bunch of us at work go to lunch... everyone is eating and I'm staring at them enjoying a glass of water. I get home from work and walk my dog, and then am so used to settling down for dinner that it felt abnormal not doing so. It was hard but not impossible. Chug the mixture every three hours or so, pop my Poo Pills before bed, and repeat.

On the second day of the fast, I never went anyhere near a toilet without my camera in tow, eagerly anticipating this long brown rope snake like thing to come crawling out of my ass. Sadly, I went to bed that night disappointed. It wasn't until the morning of day number three that the object of my desire came poking its head out of my exhausted colon. At first I almost didn't recognize what it was -- it looked like normal poo to the untrained eye but as I leaned in and examined it closer, it seemed everything was linked together like a series of train cars. Yes, all the little boxcars were all holding hands and circling the bowl in trainlike fashion, with one big crooked piece serving as the locomotive. I was startled to find I was unprepared for some actual manipulation of this thing that has crept from my loins and settled for a black papermate pen. Sure enough, Eureka! It wasn't quite as long as I had hoped, but hey the fun was just starting! Ladies and gentlemen, we have Ass Plaque!

Day number four brought me this plaque poo. It came out in two sections, one light, one dark. I swear there was stuff in the dark one that led back to Thanksgiving of '94. Sadly, this archeological monstrosity was a victim of its own weight, as each time I tried to pick it up out of the water for a picture, I didn't get but 4"-5" out when one the little boxcar links would fail sending it crashing back down into the water. I tried two or three times, each time with catostrophic results, so alas, the photo shows the end results.

By the end of this fourth day, not eating was really fucking getting to me. It seemed every where I looked there were people enjoying food. Every channel had some commercial for s fast food restaurant that I had previously never paid any attention too. Now everywhere I looked, was yummy delicious food taunting me. Again, not so much hungry, just lonely for something to chew. Driving home that night, I was weak. Very weak. To the tune of four soft tacos, some chicken strips, and two grilled stuffed burritos weak.

The ensuing poo, which by the way happened like thirty seconds after I was done eating, was horrific. It sent my intestines into a series of convulsions and cramps the likes of with haven't been seen since the birth of the Elephant Man. And it was 90% water. And much to my surprise, this poo like all the other from when I started the colon cleanse, required very little if any toilet paper to clean up my starfish. It's like they were all coming out encased in some kind of an egg sac. Weird indeed.

The last day of fasting yielded more plaque poos, but nothing of photographic consequence. I don't know if my Taco Bell spree was the cause or if my colon just wasn't all that dirty. But alas, on day number three I got what I came for, so mission accomplished. The five day fast was followed with a couple days of "learning to eat again" -- lots of dry toast, crackers, and other bland foods. It appears stuffing mexican fast food down your alredy battered colon was a bad idea - who knew?

All in all, I'm glad I did the cleanse. I hadn't eaten solid foods for three days and yet was still squawking out solid material so I guess that stands for something. Also I hadn't realized my poos haven't been all that remarkable as of the last few months (here's one just prior to starting the program), and now I'm proud to say they have returned to their former two-flush glory everyone can enjoy. Also to anyone thinking about trying the colon cleanse for yourself, just a quick tip. They recommend apple juice as the preferred mixture to take the Magical Powder and I wholeheartedly agree. I ran out of apple juice once and used cranberry juice instead - barf-o-rama.

So if I pass you on the street, don't be surprised if I tap you on the shoulder and say, "Hey ask me about my clean colon." And for those brave sould who seek more info on getting your hands on very own ass plaque collection, just visit www.blessedherbs.com/mucoid.html.

Oh, and I'm going to put that pen on ebay.