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E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
LET'S BRING EM HOME 2018 HAS COMPLETED 99 TICKETS SO FAR!
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The group of us soon after we arrived at the bar. This is what started it all. |
This is Rob, the guy who's house I was at for my G.B.P. story. Rob's a great host and throws a mean party. |
As the nutsacking frenzy started to pick up steam, I found these two easy targets on the other side of the bar table. That girl on the left was at least thirteen feet tall. |
Soon my nutsackings brought me outside, where someone pointed out this chick with the incredible ass standing behind me. So here's a picture of her ass. And my nutsack. Notice Chaz trying to keep a straight face during my mission. |
Now the photograoher for most of these photos was Puddy since it's his camera. But I took advantage of his being distracted to give him a very special nutsacking of his own. |
Around this time, a totally smokin waitress was coming around with a load of shots. We insisted that she feed the groom-to-be his. She obliged. So here's a picture of her and the groom to be with a very hot waitress. And my nuts. |
I can assure you that during all of these nutsackings, none of the persons in the photos had any clue as to my exposure. Including this girl. That is to say she didn't have any clue when I got her. When I got her friend, she caught on. |
As my nuts were becoming more and more comfortable showing their cute little faces around the establishment, I began to get more brave and accept risker missions. I was dared to nutsack the band. I marched to the dance floor and gladly complied. No, I do not whow why there is brown vomit on the speaker, but hey it is Canada. Notice the chick checking out my junk. |
Another quest of mine was to nutsack the foxy beer girl who was right inside the front door greeting new patrons with a tub full of cold beer. This was a tough mission as it was a almost as high traffic area as the band. But as promised, I came through. But as expected with any high risk operatrion, there was some collateral damage on the first attempts. |
This brought me to my final nutsacking success for the evening; our waitress. Sorry dear. |
I will note that I had one more bright idea, to actually place my nuts upon the unmanned souvenier table. You know, kind of a "remember me" thing. It was at this point that some homely wallflower nerd guy yelled out, "Hey tell him to keep it in his pants!" I quickly recovered Little Ernie and informed the rest of the HG's that now would be a good time to leave. The concurred. Next stop, the strip club. |
It's here that I'd like to formally lodge a complaint with all strip club owners. Why can't we take cameras into your establishments? The chicks already agreed to gear down? Why can't we have a few pictures for keepsake?
But alas, as the rules would have it, Puddy had to surrender his camera at the door. Right next to the ATM machine. Where I took out $500 Canadian dollars. Which is what, like $37 American?
Now before I go into this, let me first cut all of you Montreal assholess off at the pass. Yes I have heard about your strip clubs. No I have not been there yet. Hell yes, I plan on making a trip to do so. But I have experienced Ottawa strippers, and so I will comment on them now.
Let me begin by saying that -- at first -- I was not impressed with this strip club. A third place that shall remain nameless, not because I feel any obligation to protect their good name, but because I was too pie eyed to read. There was only one stripper. On one stage. And she was surrounded by no less than ten feet of coin waving Canadian hockey fans. (Yes I know now, Canada doesn't have a $1 bill, but a $1 coin. Even a $2 coin. So most cheap bastards give strippers coins for shaking their cootchie cootchie.)
But as the night wore on -- more strippers came out and I drank more beer -- things began to look up. I think it would be fair to say things peaked when I discovered I could put a $5 bill between my teeth and lay backwards onto the stage. Whatever stripper up there would then get down on her hands and knees, crawl on top me in a 69 position and wriggle aroud for a few minutes before slowly withdrawing and taking the $5 bill between her breasts. Did I mention that I took out $500 Canadian bucks earlier?
I hereby decree that Ottawa strippers earn the same Cool Points Standing as Philadelphia strippers do with me. And I'll even say to the poor girl who's shaved box I accidentally licked while she had it a mere 1" from my face was perhaps worthy of a few cool points more. I also can assure her the second time I licked it (tastes like chicken!) was an accident too.
The night gets fuzzy from here. I do remember giggling and handing $5 bills to all my fellow HG's to get the 69 treatment. I do remember having my dick playfully bitten by one of the dancers. I do remember closing the place.
Outside and back on the bus, the nutsacking quest continued.
This bachelorette party will never be the same. Somewhere out there a Canadian guy is marrying a Canadian girl. And the last pair of balls she saw before their wedding night? Mine. |
This poor flower had drunk too much and was sitting down on the ground half vomiting and half dry heaving. I approached her with a concerned look on my face and put a hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay," I asked, "do you need any help?" She looked up at me with sad, bloodshot eyes, "No, I think I'll be okay." she whispered back in a raspy voice. "Ok," I said reassuringly. Oh, and with my balls out. |
From there the evening drew to a close. Dave the bus driver brought us all back to our hotel, safe and sound and not a man lost. Thanks Dave!
We all sat up for quite awhile talking and polishing off the beer. And when it was time we headed for bed. Hey, even Superman needs his rest.
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