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Happy Memorial Day.

Merriam-Webster defines the word memorial as a 14th century noun meaning, "something that keeps remembrance alive". Stop and consider those words for a minute. Something that keeps remembrance alive. Thus someone that is no more, is, because they are remembered.

With the ongoing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, Memorial Day means a hell of a lot more to people now that it did say... ten years ago. But me, I've been fortunate. To me, Memorial Day is still a day to contemplate the sacrifices of our military as a whole, but in all honesty has no real personal connection. And for that, I consider myself profoundly, profoundly, profoundly lucky. Yes, my grandfather was a Navy fireman, lost in World War II to a Japanese bomb; but to me he is just a faded picture on my father's wall. Bobbi, my medic friend who spent a tour in Iraq starting in November of 2003, returned to us safe and sound after spending a year patching people together. She was lucky but some of her friends were not and thus Memorial Day means a hell of a lot more to her than it does the likes of me.

My best friend growing up was Obed Suro, Jr. We both liked to point out the 'Jr' part since we both were one. Obed and I joined the Air Force together, although my entry was delayed a year thanks my sticky fingers at Chase-Pitkin. Obed was driving home from Beale AFB when his car went off the road in heavy fog. His girlfriend later told me it was a white Dodge Omni. After crashing hard enough to bend the steering wheel with his head, Obed managed to climb back up the embankment and onto the road. Where he was promptly hit by a truck. it'd almost be comical if it wasn't so damned tragic. Dude, don't stand between the headlights, duh! he died a few hours later on an operating table somewhere in Sacramento, California. I was part of the Honor Guard that presented the flag to his mother (and a second to his father, since they were divorced). I make sure to visit his grave every time I make it to Rochester.

And who can forget Eight-Fingered Jerry? I couldn't make a Memorial Day post without remembering that leathered old fucker. Shot a hell of a pool game and could drink a fuck load of tequila, let me tell you.

We've also been doing LBEH for coming up on ten years now. Surely if I were to compare the list of names we've bought tickets for to the list of names of those killed in Iraq/Afghanistan, I'd find a few matches. But fuck you if you think I've got the stomach for that, because I can assure you that I don't. And then enter the Medal of Honor ceremony for SFC Paul Ray Smith. As sad as it sounds, I have only known SFC Smith in both story and photo, never having the chance to have ever met him in person. Although I still have his Sapper coin on my desk, and think of him ever time my eyes happen upon it. So the closest I've come to knowing someone killed in combat is Sergeant John Mele, who I met at SFC Smith's MoH ceremony. I remember hearing of his death shook me up quite a bit because he was the first person who I've ever met who was actually, well, killed in combat.

And now I have Puddy and his size XXXXXL helmet riding out a tour in Iraq. Can it be? Can it be the guy who helped clean the vomit from my shirt -- and had my nuts resting near his shoulder -- is in harm's way right now? Yes, yes it can. But such is the life of a person in uniform, I suppose.

So I don't know, does that mean that Memorial Day means more to Sgt John Mele's widow, or SFC Paul Ray Smith's widow, or Eight Fingered Jerry's kids... than it does to me? I just don't know the answer to that question. But all I ask of you, fair reader is this: if you know of someone who has died in service to our country -- either many years ago or around the same time you bought the bananas in your refrigerator -- then in between your beers and cheeseburgers, just take a quiet minute and reflect. Maybe tell someone a story about them. Remember who they were, and consider who they could have become. They can't do that anymore, only you can.

Today is Memorial Day. Did you hear me, I said it's motherfucking Memorial Day. So keep them alive, with your remembrance.

And Puddy, get your shit home in one piece... don't make Memorial Day any more significant than it already is. Besides, I've already leased your helmet out as a hurricane shelter for the Superdome Dome.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

one memorial day weekend off to a bad start

theyseemerollin - thirdworldwalmart - itszombieawarenessmonth

the ten most notorious womanizers in history.

now an officially extinct species: the long sad evolution of arcades.

learn the basic golf swing from jack nicklaus.

boobieinspections - lovemetender - remoteisland - snowyoutside

Dude, Your Head Ain't Gonna Fit In There.

With 2.8 million views and counting, "Worst Wedding DJ EVER!" continues to make the rounds of meme sites and inboxes around the world, even inspiring its own Funny or Die parody video with Jerry O'Connell and Rebecca Romijn. But questions remain: Who is this magical DJ? Why was this filmed? Is this common at weddings and we were just too drunk to notice? And was this another example, as some have suspected, of viral marketing disguised as reality? Or, was it just a fortuitous case of being in the right place at the right time? Urlesque tracked down Bob, the wedding videographer and "Fast Eddie," the DJ himself, to find out more about this surreal video.

The internet is also abuzz about Silvia Mena. How did a woman who nobody had heard of yesterday, become an instant celebrity? Suing an NFL superstar by claiming he impregnated and subsequently abandoned you is a good way. Mena is going after Albert Haynesworth and people are curious about what this alleged stripper looks like. As well they should, since she's being compared to Salma Hayek. And now that you've spent the last four minutes ans fifty-one seconds watching that video, here is where you can find the best pictures and information on Silvia Mena.

We had the chance to get behind the wheel of the venerable 2010 370Z Coupe 40th Anniversary Edition courtesy of Nissan. You might ask – the 40th anniversary of exactly what? Well, the 240Z started it all and now 40 years later we have the 370Z. This is clearly one ride that stands out in the crowd. This 370Z is all sports car to the bone and its DNA can be traced back to the 240Z, 260Z, 280Z, 300Z and 350Z. How's that for a family tree?

Now these are some zombies I can get behind. George A. Romero, the uncontested master of zombie horror, drops his new flick. After the zombie apocalypse, a small group of National Guardsmen land on Plum Island, a perfect refuge for the last tatters of humanity ruled by two powerful families. One believes in the extermination of the undead at all costs, while the other is keeping zombies “alive” until a cure is found. If you think this’ll have a happy ending, you’ve never seen a Romero movie. Watch the trailer.

You probably know her as Dexter’s wife, but Julie Benz is being sold short when you think of her that way especially since I'm pretty sure she's had her tits done since then. Instead, just look at her as the hot chick in the bra from Desperate Housewives. I have no clue if she’s still on the show because I don’t watch it, but if you ask me she dominated the shit out of the rest of the cast since they’re all past their prime.

This is the most ingenius way to clean a vinyl record that I have ever seen.

If you ever find yourself in the red light district of Teguasigalpy, the capital of Honduras, be careful when choosing a compassion for the night. Under the dim street lights not all the prostitutes are what may they appear to be. Mixed in with the ‘ladies’ of the night are a growing number of transsexuals touting for business. Take a look at these twenty photographs below and see if you can tell the difference.

Yeah odds are, you're going to want to not click this. But he sure looks like he's having a good time, eh?

six badass facts you never knew about dolphins.

oreos and milk. spaghetti and meatballs. beer and baseball.

the oatmeal takes to the big screen and explains why twilight is so popular.

Go Ahead And Take A Little Off The Bottom, Floyd.

So gun safety seems to be rearing its ugly head again, as it seems some dumbass shot himself to death at the gun range and the video is making its rounds on the internet. I can't quite tell if it looks accidental or intentional... does anyone know what happened? And more importantly, did the guy use a Smith and Wesson .38 like this infographic suggests? because the .38 is what Tommy DeVito used to kill Billy Batts in Goodfellas. Oh, I'm sorry, is using the Simpsons to reference Goodfellas a little blasphemous? Okay, I'm sorry, here's the full scenee.

Well, after destroying Indian jones, Shia Lefag is set to ruin another one of my childhood memories, this time bringing his cooler status to the upcoming Wall Street 2. Plus there's even speculation that Michael Douglas' hairstyle will be the new popular look and yet somehow I can't see that happening. Sure that's the hairstyle that got him Catherine Zeta Jones but there were a lot better things to take out of 1987 than Gordon Gekko's hair. And that Carey Mulligan "chick"? Man, that is one manly bitch.

And that my friends, pretty much sums up the political climate here in the good old US of A. Or at least how one side vehemntly sees the other on most cases. Yep, no matter how you look at it, it's gonna suck.

Dude it's funny. I can watch a guy blow his brains out and could care less. I can even watch this girl shave her beaver. But I just can't stomach animal cruelty enough to watch the video. Even to a cow, which I know the cow is just going to end up wrapped in aluminum foil at Five Guys, but fuck man. I just can't do it. Anyway, here is ol Billy's Facebook profile which includes some nice photos of his truck, his boat, and mentiones his quads. And yet he's crying poor and asking for a public defender. Again, an eye for an eye, I say.

making cheetos: it ain’t easy being cheesy.

all about the korean corvette roks cheonan, aka korean torpedo bait.

Oh Yeah, That Ought To Clean That Right Up.

Okay, so at some point, shouldn't the Feds start shutting BP's dick in a door? Because I'm pretty sure this shit is only going to get worse.

In what can only be describes as the best three of my life, this kid explains the entire six seasons of Lost using Post-It notes. Seriously. All jokes aside. Best two minutes and fifty seconds ever. Well, that and the twenty best Lost cleavage moments.

I've always found slow motion videos to be quite entertaining. It makes everyday things such as sneezing and exploding water balloons look all the more interesting, and sometimes downright comical. And then once you turn the camera on girls, you get the slow motion ass slap and the old waterballoon on the boobs trick. You can see more slo-mo videos here and over at Colorado State although their vids are pretty short so they can be as disappointing as that last Pacino/Deniro movie.

Actually Drew, I don't want to go all Shooter McGavin on you but that wasn't a great article. That was an AWESOME article.

Some random woman offers men some romance tips. Whatever you conceited bitch, get back in the kitchen. The woman is Miranda Kerr. Well shit man, why didn't you say so in the first place? Let me just get my pencil.

draw muhammad day: a compilation.

the wild and wonderful whites of west virginia.

the mystery of the constantly-draining hot tub has been solved.

jennifer aniston, 41, wins bikini battle with younger model brooklyn decker, 23.

Party On, Wayne. Party On, Garth.

You know who's been breaking my fucking heart lately? Lindsay Lohan. No, I'm not talking about the hot Lindsay from years gone past, no I think those days are long gone. Now after wresking her body with coke and booze, I'm unfortunately talking about this Lindsay. The one who can show up at Cannes and nobody cares, when even just as early as July of last year, she was still kinda hot. So let's all have a moment of silent for the hot Lindsay from Herbie Reloaded and just remember her the way she was. Now when I want to watch a great ass on television, I have to track down Sheri Moon Zombie. Well, don't just stand there, somebody get me another bottle of milk. That shit is supposed to do a body good, right?

"On April 20, 2010, a mayday call from the Deepwater Horizon drilling rig in the Gulf of Mexico reporting an explosion aboard signaled the beginning of one of the largest man-made environmental disasters in the United States. Today, the environmental, economic, and political repercussions of the oil spill are just being felt – but what happened the day the rig went ablaze, before the magnitude of the catastrophe as we know it today was clear? National Geographic Channel obtained exclusive never-before-seen footage from the U.S. Coast Guard, NGC production crew and salvage company who responded in the chaotic first 36 hours following the explosion."

Sex may sell, but it is porn that pays. Here are the richest porn stars in history. Cough, cough, the Hedgehog, cough. But we all know Jenna "The Canyon" Jameson heads the list. Heh, I said heads.

How does Jimmy Kimmel say goodbye to Lost? By making them the subject of one of his Unnecessary Censorship tributes, of course!

bizarre sex world records and things you should do before tying the knot.

one of my favorite hacks at last weekend's music hack day is tristan’s swinger.

just because you watch M*A*S*H it doesn't mean you can fly a helicopter.

Karma? Yeah, So is Your Face.

In what can ony be described as the most awesome illustration of balance in the universe, one of Spain's most popular matadors Julio Aparicio was gored right in the chin, with the horn coming through his mouth in front of a shocked crowd yesterday at the Las Ventas Bullring in Madrid. The second-generation matador was immediately rushed to the hospital, where Lead Surgeon Dr Maximo Garcia Pedros performed two operations that saved Aparicio's life. Aparicio, who is 41 years old, is in stable condition at a Madrid hospital after a 6 ½-hour reconstruction operation on his mutilated mouth, tongue and jaw. In accordance with "win or lose, the bull must die" tradition, he bull was killed by fellow matadors. Here is some awesome video, followed by some awesome hi-red pictures. If that bull had shaken his horns even a little bit, that guy's fucking head would have come off in pieces. WARNING, NOT SAFE FOR LUNCH.

Well good luck to my fellow Gulf Coasters, it looks like we might be enjoying some North Atlantic Scod with Quaker State this summer. Ahh, to see $2.50 a gallon again. Wouldn't that be a fucking treat?

She won my heart in Happy Gilmore and made me swoon in Boston Legal. And while I've always wanted to see Julie Bowen's tits, dude not like this. Seeing that is almost as weird as Kelly Ripa's bellybutton.

It's not a good time to be a married athlete. And if you didn't hear, KC's Dwayne Bowe just made it a whole lot worse. The Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver tossed his teammates under the bus recently by proclaiming that the whole team conspired to "import" women for acts of carnal knowledge during his rookie year. To prove that wedded bliss still exists, here is a list of women who are pretty certain their hubbies are faithful... but not necessarily for the reasons you might think. Especially Kobe bryant's wife, Vanessa.

Ouch. here's a little more story on what happened (a rockslide) and here are some photos of BNSF 4702 in better days. But fuck all of those bulldozers, they should have just called in this lady.

You gotta love bikini contests, especially when it’s in a bar and everyone is loaded. Those bikini tops tend to get thrown off!

fastest animals on earth in slow motion.

the net worth of the u.s. presidents: washington to obama.

lost, re-enacted by cats, in one minute.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

dangerouscliff - hairyass - kidwithgrenade

-----> TOP TEN REASONS TO ADOPT AN OLDER DOG <-----

how to survive an atom bomb, presented by mutual of omaha.

fifty women with the hottest racks on tv. that's one hundred boobs, btw.

the top five fittest professions -- five jobs that get you in shape.

madonnaskincream - whoneedsbigtits - yellowarmband

is anyone else as completely lost by lost, as i am?

Here's A Story. And It's True.

Many moons ago, when yours truly lives in the AF dorms at Hanscom, there was a female Airman who lived at the opposite end of the hallway from me. Her name was Holly. And brother let me tell you, she was fun to look at. She was about 5'10" tall with an hourglass figure straight out of the latest issue of Playboy. Great legs. Amazing tits. And she knew it, too. I remember one time I was right in the middle of unlocking my door after work, and down the hall came Holly. She noticed I was looking at her and not one to shy away from attention, she asked me what I was looking at. "Holly," I said, "I'm just standing here watching you walk." She smiled and exposed her tobacco stained teeth, tossed her hair back and continued on towards her room. Only now doing her very best to shake her hips from side to side, sending my eyes bouncing back and forth like I was watching a tennis match. But that's how she was, overtly sexual. And she was a boozer, too. You'd always see her stumbling around the dorms or at the NCO club, shitfaced out of her mind. Which of course presented many a suitor with opportunities you haven't seen since the streetlights ahead of you all turn green at once.

And on one such occasion, I was the lucky dog whom Holly invited back to her room. And dear heavenly God, I wish I had said no. Because if I did, in my mind Holly would still be this voluptuous goddess, instead of what she is now: a filthy whorebag. You see, immediately upon entering Holly's room, the first thing that I noticed was the stench of rotting food. And where did this stench come from? Take your fucking pick, there were takeout containers from the chowhall strewn everywhere. Everywhere of course except on her clothes, which were all over the floor. Clean, dirty; both danced lazily among food wrappers and empty nailpolish bottles. And why weren't her clothes in her dresser drawers, you might ask? Good question. And the answer would be because she was currently using her drawers as a fucking ashtray. No shit. Honest to goodness butts and ashes piled up in the top drawer next to her bed. But perhaps the single thing that made me suddenly remember that I promised to go pick up Flaherty from the club, was the fact that there sitting on her sink, was a used tampon. Dude. What. The. Fuck.

I went back to my room, beat off, threw up, and went to bed. Armed with this knowledge, I can completely understand why someone would not want to date Megan Fox.

All that plus one brief thought on illegal immigration. Just before I punched out of my last job, one of my biggest complaints was that we had become too process oriented. Management didn't give a shit whether or not we turned out a bad product or provided poor support, just so long as you followed the processes they had set in place. But if you think outside the box and perhaps bend the rules a little bit to provide better service, and you'd be reprimanded. Now I understand rules there are there for a reason and all that good shit, but when following the process is seen as more important than the needs of the customer, that's a problem. I think the same thing can be said about the illegal immigration debate. Take this girl for example. Long ago when the Statue of Liberty was first erected and Vito Corleone was sitting alone in his isolation room, immigration was about making our country a better place; based upon the premise that the best and brightest minds in all the world would want to come here to this land of opportunity. But lately that seems to have been pushed aside and all anyone ever cares about is the process; who cares if the new guy actually has anything to contribute to society, just so long as he followed all the rules of getting here. Am I saying open up the flood gates and let every swinging dick through the door? Of course not. But I think we've got to revisit a plan that shuts that girl out in the cold, and at the same time embraces this old hag just because her parents won the genetic lottery. Or for that matter, go on down to your local Walmart and hang out there for an hour. You mean to tell me you'd rather see any one of those lazy fuckers with their food stamps and their welfare EBT cards move in next door to you, instead of Gladys Castro, just because her parents no hablo Ingles?

Over the past few weeks, there's been a lot of celebrity surprises in the news. First we found photos of the new Miss America spending some time on a stripper pole, and then some personal photos of Allison Stokke were leaked onto the net. Which brings up the only question that anyone has left to answer.... which one is hotter ?

My doc told me that I'm starting to show symptoms of the onset of Alzheimers, but whew, at least I don't have Alzheimers.

After stealing two bicycles in as many nights, the local boys sit out with their paintball guns and set up an ambush. The result? A bicycle thief gets fucking owned.

So long Rommel, we hardly knew ye.

the best time to buy almost everything.

because every country is the best at something.

behold the SMARTEST BIRD in the entire fucking world.

Sorry, I'm All Tied Up Right Now. Can I Take A Message?

A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last person alive." I leaned over and whispered, "But who would be around to stop me?" That sure wiped the smug look off her face. And to that point, anyone who has ever said, "Money can't buy happiness," has obviously never met this guy. Obviously that's something you'll never read in the advice column of a woman's magazine.

Let me start by saying that ‘Iron Man 2‘ is a bad movie. Yes, bad. It has moments of gripping action, but they are fleeting, stuffed between awkward dialogue and an underdeveloped inner conflict. When, after all is said and done, the primary conflict of a superhero movie is a race for government arms contracts, you’re watching a bad movie.

Most of us aren't all that resourceful. If the futon we bought from IKEA is missing one of the tiny screws from the manual, we dial the 800 number and wait for them to ship it to us. But there are people who have built incredible solutions to some of life's most basic problems using stuff that you've thrown out because you thought it was useless. Here are five people who prove that calling anything useless might be the most hypocritical thing you've ever said. Homemade Hummer FTW!

a remote control submarine vs a remote control destroyer. WITH DEPTH CHARGES.

parental responsibility is NOT dead. and holy shit, it's in florida.

the best classic twilight zone episodes and sheriff joe arpaio's craziest moments.

Okay, Perhaps Change Is Good.

Captain's log supplemental, Stardate 63845.8. it has been over forty-eight hours since we have upgraded the main computer to Windows 7 and thusfar, the crew is pleased with the transition. Prior to the upgrade, whenever the warp core was shut down for a reboot we stood a good chance that it would not come up on its own and require a great deal of work from Engineering to bring it back online. I can assure you it is quite frustrating to watch a blind black man sway his head back and forth mumbling about Jeffries tubes and Bussard collectors, while you've got a fleet of Romulans crawling up you ass. Since the upgrade, we have successfully shut down and restarted the warp core numerous times without a single failure. Now those lazy bastards in Engineering stand around with their thumbs up their asses, pausing only to look busy whenever I stop down to be a douchebag and smear peanut butter on Geordi's visor.

The latest intelligence from our Federation spies throughout the galaxy report that the Holodeck features have been enhanced in this new version of Winodws, and will actually allow us to create a virtual computer within the main computer. This will of course allow us to execute older programs compatible with the old Excelsior-XP class starships. Commander Data is looking into this now and I expect his report soon.

But perhaps the greatest improvement so far is to the main screen. Prior to the upgrade, whenever there were intense visuals on the main viewer -- specifically those created in an alien technology known as "Adobe Flash" -- all the fans on the entire fucking spaceship would suddenly and inexplicably launch into high gear. Aside from blowing wind all over the place, the noise was also quite fucking annoying. Commander Riker traced this to the fact that the alien flash technology was incompatible with the older main computer software, and would launch the main processor to 100% busy the entire time this flash was on the main viewer. This new Windows 7 seems to have alleviated this incompatibility.

In closing, both myself and the bridge crew are pleased with the results so far, as I see everyone smiling more. Of course additional testing is warranted before we provide final acceptance. Also Dr. Crusher had nice tits. This Captain Ern Luc Piccard of the Federation Starship Gateway. Hey don't laugh, we got it in an intergalactic sale.

You know how I can tell this picture of photoshopped? Easy, nothing that big is ever white.

Any guy can agree, sports and women are the two best things ever created -- as opposed to the two best things ever destroyed, this kid's balls. But How can we combine the two things to make every man happy? By having women wear sports jerseys, of course.

In one of the oddest, most mismatched head-to-heads since Mike Tyson’s “hard” road back, the Ford Fiesta recently went mano a mano with the Lamborghini Gallardo. I know exactly what you’re thinking: “Why??” Well, while testing the new Fiesta, Ford welcomed public input as to what tests it performs. And some wisenheimer threw out the idea of a test against the Lamborghini Gallardo. He may have meant it as a joke, but Ford took it seriously and went to work.

the twenty worst myspace pictures.

recut : wall e + the terminator = the governato-r.

an interesting take on the (manufactured) ammunition shortage.

Change is Bad. a.k.a. Old Habits Die Hard.

My transition to Windows 7 has been challenging. Not so difficult as to make me reconsider keeping Vista (ptooey!) but difficult enough to keep me busy all day yesterday. See, here's my problem: I'm takin it back to the old school, cause I’m an old fool, who’s so cool. And by that I mean to suggest something that you probably already know: EHOWA isn't one of the most technically advanced websites out there. No, I'm not kidding. No, c'mon stop it, I'm being serious now. And in doing that, I rely quite heavily upon my old friend, the DOS prompt. No shit. Both of those side menus? Automatically generated in DOS batch files. The pictures archive -- including creating the thumbnails, sorting, cataloging, and paginating? DOS batch files. Bendbox? The whole fucking thing? One big fuckin DOS batch file. Ernie Street? Yep, DOS batch file, although I have to manually create the individual articles and their associated images. I know it's old school but you'll be hard pressed to find lower overhead way of doing things.

Anyway as part of those scripts, I rely pretty heavily upon some school school text manipulation tools such as head, tail, math, and a few others. But Windows 7 ain't old school and thus presents a compatibility problem with these older 16-bit apps. And when I say "compatibility problem" I don't mean they give unpredictable results, I mean they don't fucking run at all since you can't set compatibility mode for a 16-bit command line executable. I know, I'll get the 64-bit versions! Yeah right, fat chance. Ain't nobody making command line shit anymore. How does this come into play? Take a look at the pictures section again, at the bottom you'll see "This page contains XX of YYY total pictures" -- those figured are generated using basic math functions performed at the command line. So as each image is counted and we cross a certain threshold -- 30 images per page, but don't break up any dates -- it knows to stop and create an additional page. And then once all the pages have been created, add up the number of images on each page to get a final total. Well my math.exe doesn't work with Windows 7, so I can't execute "math 2 + 3" any more. But some searching around yielded me a native command line alternative: "set /a 2 + 3" and viola I was back in business.

Another semi-easy fix was the loss of head.exe which is a utility that simply displays the first x-number of lines in a text file. So if I had a twenty-six text file containing one letter of the alphabet on each line (a b c d e f ... z) and I typed "head -3 alphabet.txt" the result would be "a b c". How is this useful to me? Take a gander at the LATEST FEATURE over in the left sidebar. That's simply the first item in a long list of features I've posted over the last several years. I simply "head -1 features.txt" and use the resulting output when creating the left sidebar. I could have worked around it using "find /n" and then just grabbing [1] but a I found a pretty quick fix here after someone had whipped up a suitable batch file that does what I need. What's that old saying, necessity is the mother of all invention? Damn right.

And if head grabs the lines at the beginning of a text file, tail us used to grab the ones at the end. So using the sample example, "tail -5 alphabet.txt" would yield me "v w x y z". How does this come into play? Look at ERNIE CAM top left corner... pass your mouse over the image and you'll get a text description of the image (known as an "alt tag"). The batch file does this by searching through my phonecam emails and extracting all the lines that begin with "Subject:", and use the last line (the most recent) as the text to describe the last (and hence most recent) image. So if I have 3,492 images in the ERNIE CAM archives -- which I do -- all I have to do is "type MAILBOX.MBX | find "Subject:" | tail -1" to get the text line that I'm looking for. Yeah, tail no longer works so I had to get creative there. Now I'm essentially popping everything out to another text file, which reverses the order, then using head to grab the first line (which is essentially the last line). It's awkward but with processors clocked in the gigahertz range, efficiency isn't as important as it used to be.

There are a few more things I have to/still am wrestling with -- drive letter changes, environment variables -- but it's nothing catastrophic, just time consuming. As a whole I love the look and feel of Windows 7, plus it's a metric assload faster than Vista. If you were on EHOWA last night, you noticed the left sidebar was pretty fucked up for about an hour while I was in mid transition with a few things. There might be a little more of that today as well, further compounded by the subtle changes Windows 7 such as pinning shit to my taskbar. A novel idea and I'm sure it'll be handy once I'm used to it, but I did stare at it like a fucking idiot for the first few minutes as my mouse hand struggled against the last decade of muscle memory. On a related note, I would like to formally throw props out to my AFSC 491x2 tech school instructors for forcing to use proper programming techniques such as modularity and heavy use of variables instead of hardcoding shit. At the time it seemed pretty pointless, but now that I'm going back and looking at scripts I haven't touched in two years, it makes for much more readability. Long live the Mad Ducks.

P.S. To all of you fucking idiots who have been mindlessly forwarding the, "Hey y'all, shucks let's use hay to soak up the oil," video like it's the fucking cure for cancer, please pull your head out of your ass and think about what you're suggesting. Adding hay to water does not make the two magically disappear. "The area of the spill now exceeds 6,000 sq. miles and more than 11 million gallons of oil are in the sea. That means that the weight of the oil in the water is just over 40,000 tons (7.29 lbs/gallon). Let's assume it takes only 2 ounces of hay per sq. ft. of oil, which seems reasonable, requiring one pound of hay per eight sq. ft. Six thousand sq. miles of oil is 172,232,755,200 square feet. That will require 21,529,094,400 pounds of hay to absorb. Note that these are billions figures. That amount of hay is 10,764,547 tons. So you're going to transport almost 11,000,000 tons of hay to sea to absorb 40,000 tons of oil. Then, after the hay has absorbed the oil, the oil is still in the water. Only instead of having to deal with (a mere) 40,000 tons of oil alone, you've got to scoop up 10,804,619 tons of oil-sodden hay." Read more here and quit being so fucking stupid.

With all the information that is exposed to Google, here are five reasons why they really scares the shit out of me. Well, six if you count that I'm no longer #1 when you search for "Ernie".

RED FLAG is an advanced aerial combat training exercise hosted at Nellis Air Force Base, Nevada and Eielson Air Force Base Alaska. Since 1975, air crew from the United States Air Force (USAF) and other U.S. military branches and allies take part in the exercises, each of which is two weeks in duration. The Red Flag exercises, conducted in four-to-six cycles a year by the 414th Combat Training Squadron of the 57th Wing, are very realistic aerial war games. The purpose is to train pilots from the U.S., NATO and other allied countries for real combat situations. This includes the use of "enemy" hardware and live ammunition for bombing exercises within the Nevada Test and Training Range. [Part 1] - [Part 2] - [Part 3] - [Part 4] - [Part 5].

Wood is by nature anisotropic. That is, it exhibits different properties when its characteristics are measured in different directions. Wood can be measured longitudinally, radially, and tangentially, with the bending strength of the longitudinal measure being 15 to 40 times as great a its tangential measure. Because plywood is engineered from plies alternating at 90-degree orientations, the bending strength become equalized in all directions. This what makes it very difficult to bust over your head, no matter how much you believe in yourself.

And to all you haters out there, this is why you don't rob a store with a fake gun -- you'll get your fucking ass kicked by someone swining a chair.

a soldier's story in pictures: 665 days in iraq.

thirteen components that MAKE EHOWA a great website.

super hot older celebrities who are still bangable.

Mr. Gates, You Have Vista Fucked Me For The Last Time.

For the last two years, Microsoft Vista has expended great effort to making my online experience as difficult as possible. From the "SORRY NOT ENOUGH MEMORY TO COPY SELECTION TO CLIPBOARD" errors that inevitably creep up after a full afternoon's work and requiring a reboot to fix, the lockups, the thirty-second USB disconnects that leave me shaking an unresponsive mouse while motionless cursor taunts me on the screen. And who can forget the seventeen year wait to copy one 5Gb file from one drive to another. But perhaps my personal favorite Vista Fuck, is when Vista just decides to 'lose' my external USB drive for no reason, thus requiring a random collection of unplug-plug-reboot-plug-unplug-plug-unplug-log off-plug-unplug-reboot-plug's to bring the fucking thing back online.

And in all honesty, it wasn't one singular event that pushed me over the edge, but rather a slow build up that's been happening over time. How I longed for the days of yesterday when the stability of Windows XP ruled the land. Right now I kind of feel like Farrah Fawcett in The Burning Bed; Vista is snoring in a drunken slumber, my eye is red and swollen, there is gasoline on the floor and I have a match in my hand. It's time. It's time Microsoft Windows Vista for you to go away and abuse me no longer, because I've met someone else. His name is Windows 7 and he promised me to be everything that you're not: fast, stable, efficient. I don't know what took me so long to finally succumb to his advanced, as he's been courting me for some time now. All of my friends told me I should give him a chance, but I was scared of being hurt again. Hurt again by someone like you.

But as my mother one told me, life is for the living and so I have to give Windows 7 a try. And so you shouldn't come around any more. Don't call, don't text, don't drive by my house. I want this to be a clean break. I know this is probably hurting you but Vista, I don't care. You've hurt me enough over the last two years that perhaps it's sweet justice that you now feel some of the pain you've brought me. Goodbye Vista. I hope you fucking die.

There are plenty of lists on the web today. Most of the lists involve hot women. This list combines that idea but adds another element. It ranks the hot female athletes according to their Google search popularity. In each slide I have included the number of search results each athlete receives.

Listen, as a guy who can stunt double for Captain Picard, I hate having to shave my head every few too. But there is no motherfucking way in hell I'm doing this. No wonder his eyes were fucking crooked.

Centrifugal force (from Latin centrum "center" and fugere "to flee") represents the effects of inertia that arise in connection with rotation and which are experienced as an outward force away from the center of rotation. Here, I'll let these guys explain.

Zahia Dehar turned 18 a couple of months back and I’m sure she’ll have received more than a few expensive gifts from her millionaire clients. Yes, Zahia was turning tricks at some strip joint in Paris frequented by the nations top footballers when she was underage. If you are a follower of football then you’ll know her biggest catch to date was the Bayern Munich star Franck Ribery – who now faces up to three years in the slammer for, well, slamming her. Here are twenty pictures of the hot hooker who earned $30k a month servicing frisky footballers.

the ten strangest looking actresses in hollywood.

fucking with zero privacy settings on their facebook profiles.

Insert Your Favorite So Long Captain Chaos Weekend Joke Here.

bottle of coke - brown throw pillows - button down comforter

jamarcus russel career highlights. or "how to eat yourself out of the nfl."

the ten largest homes in the united states and the ten best-paying college majors.

dishes in the sink - fake ficas tree - gold hoop earrings - little pink bunny

five criminally underrated horror movies. of course zombies ftw!

I've Burned My Share Of Styofoam Cups, But Damn.

This is what 20,000 barrels a day leaking into the Gulf of Mexico looks like. What the fuuuuuuuuck.

Well everybody, I've finally decided to take the big plunge. That's right... The M-Word.

And just in case you've grown tired of your Ferrari motorcycle, or your Ferrari concept motorcycle, or your Ferrari watch, or your Ferrari concept watch, or your Ferrari powered boat, or your Ferrari themed speedboat, just remember you can see these things and more at Dubai's new Ferrari World. It's like dude, and I thought I was doing well when my local car dealer got a cappachino machine. Fuck you, Ferrari!

Uhhh, (former) Miss California Carrie Prejean is engaged to Oakland Raiders Quarterback Kyle Boller? Which brings me to (a) when did this happen and (b) who's the new loser on the Raiders' roster?

Kind of reminds me of an old joke. Whay does Dos-Equis beer have XX on it? Have you ever known a Mexican that didn't need a co-signer? HAHAHAHAHA. And yes, if there is one thing I could change about Five Guys, they'd serve been instead of just fountain drinks. But seriously, you guys in Arizona have enough to worry about right now. And get some fresh jalapenos next time, too. But you Canucks? Jesus Christ, between torturing dog's cocks and losing out the longest sniper shot to the Brits, you guys are quickly making your way back onto my shit list. You guys better watch your backs.

The beautiful thing about the web is that ANYONE with a computer, video camera, webcam and/or digital camera can post sexy stuff on the web. From photos of cute chicks to sexy videos of college girls. Many times the amateur photos and videos are sexier than the professional stuff, because they aren’t too touched up or airbrushed and the women look real! This offers a nice contrast to the plastic-looking photos you see in the men’s magazines.

And just for the record, Ryan has been a staunch supporter of LBEH even since December 9th, 2002. Each year since then, Ryan has contributes enough frequent flier miles to buy one international airfare. Given we're somewhere in the neighborhood of 1,000 tickets, sometimes I wonder if any names on "our" list matches the "casualty" list? Truth be told, I think I'd rather not know.

Taylor Momsen, who caused an international media frenzy this week during an interview in the UK where she stated she wants to be like Kurt Cobain, is back in the headlines again after a raunchy performance at London’s Notting Hill Arts Club. But the controversy surrounding Taylor then exploded when she gave an interview to the "Metro" newspaper in the UK, in which Taylor explained her passion for knives ... to the point of carrying them on airplanes. Taylor was quoted as saying, “I flew from New York to Los Angeles and still had a couple of knives in my purse. I thought I took them all out but they got tucked up in the folds. I went through security, took them on the plane, opened my bag to get my wallet in LA and they fell out. I was like: ‘Holy shit!’” She added, “I have my favorite black knife with me all the time. It’s a switchblade. It relaxes me to flick it.”

Alright Tim, you made your point.

trying to use google to find a job? this motherfucker does it right!

fifteen deadliest beach creatures. "great white shark" well, duh.

Clearly, I Can See Your Nuts.

Well here's something a little disturbing to my ego. I've mentioned before about how I just fucking love accidents: plane crashes, train derailments, ship sinkings, all that good shit. To me it's completely mesmerizing to look at this photo and think, "Thirty minutes ago, that tail was flying at 35,000 feet. Thirty minutes ago, that twisted piece of wreckage was the perfect marriage between aerodynamics and nature." To look at a train locomotive and know that all 432,000 pounds of it was a perfectly honed machine rolling freshly painted off the assembly line, only to wind up a burned and twisted thrashing of steel some years later. The fact that so many tiny events -- a stripped bolt here, a frayed wire there -- can string together to reduce such gigantic and powerful machines to rubble in the blink of an eye. This famous 1987 NASA crash video is like vintage 1970's porn to me and on both a curious and a safety perspective, i don't know why they don't do more tests like that. And that's not to say that I like to watch people die, nor would I want them to. I just like to watch these machines fail on a colossal scale. So does that mean I have symphorophilia?

Arnold Schwarzenegger performs "The Mountains of Mars" from "Total Recall: The Musical."

One of the local DJ chicks is one of those Roller Girl teams -- fuck me if I can remember which one -- and I hear her talk about it every once in awhile. I've often wondered what it would be like to go see one, but never with any more intent than thinking I'd like to go parachuting one day. But you know what, maybe I will now. I mean if they're going to crash into shit, rather there on a rink with pads than out on the road with cars, right?

Yeah I heard about this and.... sigh.... I dunno, what the fuck. No matter what happens, no matter what they find out, it's going to be a shitty mess. On one hand I have to give the benefit of the doubt to the officers and assume they're all good people, and yet on the other hand, gunfire? Near kids? Really? I can also understand the cops have to protect themselves, but on the other hand... a caged dog? And after sitting on the search warrant for eight days. Like there wasn't a better way to handle this situation, they couldn't have picked a better time that presented less danger to all concerned parties? I dunno. It's one big abortion. To be honest I haven't watched the video just because I have no desire to hear a dog being shot to death, especially one that didn't pose a threat to anyone. Was he barking and growling? I'm sure he was but dude... you broke into his house and that's his job. But he's a caged dog so as long as you don't go sticking your fingers anywhere they don't belong, there shouldn't be a problem. I dunno. I guess if I had to make a snap judgement on this one, I'd say the cops fucked up royally. But who knows, let's let all the story come out.

Better bust out those 3-D glasses again because I've got two word for you: FUCKING PLAYBOY.

i can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord. oh lord.

epic beard man - the rise and fall of an internet sensation.

top ten private jets and tv's seven hottest moms. nancy botwin ftw.

Let's Be Honest. It's Libya. Does Anyone Really Care?

Not that I'm Joe Aviator or anything, but I've been fascinated with warplanes every since Joshua taught us all about global thermonuclear war. As a kid growing up it was the F-15 Eagle for me, which of course led to a lot of hostilities with my friend Greg, who was staunchly in the F-14 Tomcat corner. But as time wore on a new plane began to take center stage in my heart, the A-10 Warthog. And with Afghanistan and Iraq being very ground support intensive for our beloved boys in blue, but the A-10 and the AH-64 Apache helicopter see a lot of action in these two conflicts. Unfortunately, you the general public don't always share my affection for the Hawg, and thus there's a lot of confusion on the part of the general public when we see some gun camera footage. Take for example, this latest forwarded in from Matt...

For starters, the video was pretty still for an A-10 which would be moving forward at a few hundred knots, which raised my suspicions right off the bat. And the second I heard the CHUNKA-CHUNKA-CHUNKA of the gun, I knew for sure it wasn't an A-10. And I'm not singling Matt out here; confusing one for the other is a common mistake. I did a post on it awhile back so trying not to be a pussy about it, I corrected Matt...

See, the AH-64's cannon might knock you on your ass, sure. But that A-10's? You'll wind up like a cunt with your ass out. Just remember - CHUNKA-CHUNKA = Apache, and sticking your tongue out BTHTHTHTHTHTHTTHTH = Hawg. In closing, Matt sent this...

God I can't stand seeing shit like that. I'm all fucking for an eye for an eye justice; literally. And for those assholes that retort, "An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind." I say bullshit. Eventually there's going to be a guy left with only one eye and as we all know; in the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king.

Old and busted: The top thirty sexiest female poker players of all-time. The new hotness: The top twenty-nine sexiest female poker players of all-time, which come after Jennifer Tilly's beautiful pair of queens.

the third robin hood trailer has been released.

boxer takes a nail to the head and lives to bark on.

teacher appreciation week: twenty-five hottest sex offenders.

In Case Of Zombies, Break Glass.

As a kid I distinctly remember watching Fright Night for the first time and thinking, "Vampires? Those guys are easy. I'll just wear one of those neck brace thingies and they can go fuck themselves." As I matured and finally came to realize there's no such thing as vampires, I turned my attention to more tangible threats such as zombies. This of course leads to the tower scene in 28 Days Later -- not technically a zombie movie, by the way -- where the father is dressed up in riot gear. Keep in mind he's a taxi driver, which raises the question -- who the fuck has riot gear laying around their house? A 30" Stanley FuBar, sure. Even a few guns but riot gear, no. But I suppose if you open up to the idea of other types of apocalypses -- a pandemic for example -- then you've got a much wider playing field to work with. Which I should note, I think it's a crime that The Day After didn't make this list of the best apocalyptic movies. if we've got to deal with zombie cars and zombie satellites, then why not our fellow survivors? hey don't laugh either, you don't know what's going to happen over the next twenty years so when there's riots in the street don't come crying to me.

And in case you missed the Betty White SNL thing, here's the entire episode, plus now there's talk of her hosting the Emmys and perhaps appearing on Dancing With The Stars.

Each summer the other half and I rent a small hatchback, load the logs up and begin the 1,250 mile drive up north for some family time. And yes, it's a trmendous pain in the ass and there really aren't very many perks to it. And despite what anyone says, no amount of audio books or, "I Spy With My Little Eye," can make all 24 hours of seat time any more bearable. And any amount of money I save by already having a rental car when I get up there is immediately lost in gas, tolls, food and time. Last year we went with a minivan because we had to make room for Bianca's crate, that was $760 with fuel adding another $480 round trip. All that versus $219 for a round trip plane ticket. So why the self torture? I simply couldn't live with myself if something happened to my dog(s). I know its stupid, I know there's a one in a million chance of Ike being Paco'ized, but that's a chance I'm just not willing to take. Like it or not, your dogs become baggage when they're on that plane. Baggage gets lost. Baggage gets bounced around. Baggage mets mistreated. So I guess I'd rather inconvience myself and know for certain Ike will get there safely, instead of take a shortcut and know he'll most likely get there safely. My big question would be: since dogs don't dry up and disappear, late delivery aside... where the fuck is Paco?

Everyone is all in a hub-hub because Frank Frazetta died. And when I first read about it, I was like, eh. So another guy who draws Dungrons and Dragons pictures has died, so what? But then I learned that he did the post for Clint Eastwood's The Gauntlet, and not I feel bad.

Wow, Tom Cruise's teeth were this fucked up? No way.

the gayest man in the world makes a movie with his cat.

old and busted: shit my dad says. the new hotness: shit my kids ruined.

Hey Come Take A Good Long Look Around.

God I wish I had thought of this.

This past weekend I obviously got the urge to fuck around with the site a little bit. I'm still not entirely settled upon what's going where, but I like the general direction it's headed in. Two things that has caused me great concern are the off-site scripts: the "Today In History" sections above and the "Top Referrers" to the left. Both provide good stuff that contributes to EHOWA, but since they're off-site scripts I have no control over them. Meaning if their site begins to slow down -- or even worse, go down altogether -- it slows me down too. Eh, we'll see. Anyway, since I'm in the tinkering mood now is the time to open your mouth if you'd like to see anything added/removed. So speak now or forever hold your peace. One common request is that I make the side pictures that accompany each update, able to be viewed larger. I haven't done that, only because nine times out of ten, the reason I choose to put those images there is because they're a low quality image and the only way to make them look decent is to shrink them down. I mean really, who wants to view a picture that looks all grainy like this?

And speaking of which, what's with all the sword shit on the internet lately? First there was fat broadsword salesman who's got a thing for bacon, then there's this asshole demonstrating the Tueller Drill, and now even Land Rover is getting on board. WTF?

What do Niki Gudex, Michelle Wie, Ashley Force, and Flavia Delroli have in common? Why they all appear on the Hottest Brunettes In Sports list, of course.

So help me God, if someone did that to Ike -- and yeah I guess Bianca is growing on me -- and he ended up being euthanized -- it would spell the end of EHOWA because I swear before all that is fucking holy, I'd be up on manslaughter charges. Like an honest-to-goodness Murder-Death-Kill straight out of Demolition Man.

And a techno-badass move, and much to the delight of those poor fuckers stuck over in Iraq -- you know, like Puddy -- Skype to release five-way video calls next week.

The return of a Brazilian goddess: Victoria's Secret uber-babe Adriana Lima MILFs her way back to modeling!

video: betty white does saturday night live.

microsoft office + burglar alarm = comedy gold, jerry!

dallas braden throws the nineteenth perfect game in baseball history.

Insert Your Favorite Mothers Day Joke Here.

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. ~Tenneva Jordan

I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life. ~Abraham Lincoln

The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness. ~Honoré de Balzac

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. ~Washington Irving

I miss you, Mom.

Welcome To The 21st Century.

So Ike had his semiannual checkup today. Aside from a few warts and a chipped tooth, he's in perfect picture health. One thing different this time was I all but had to get him microchipped, which is something I've always tried to stay away from. I dunno why, but something about injecting technology into my dog never made me feel comfortable. Well as of January of this year, the county said this: No microchip? Dog license is $40 a year, every year. With a microchip? $38 one time fee, and that includes the microchip. Translation: "Chip your dog asshole." It's done via needle injection -- pretty big fucker, too -- and Ike took it like a champ. Although aftering being poked and prodded for ten minutes straight, he was like, "Let's get the fuck out of here."

Tongue bifurcation, or tongue splitting, is a type of body modification in which the tongue is cut centrally from its tip part of the way towards its base, forking the end. In addition to being covered under laws prohibiting the unlicensed practice of medicine, tongue splitting is now banned in the U.S. military. Thus, by necessity, it is an underground practice. In most cases, the split is created through scalpeling. To achieve a more rounded and natural look, the upper and lower part of the cutting area in both halves are often sutured together with stitches during the healing process. This prevents sharp, unnatural looking edges on the new "tongues" which would otherwise occur. Tongue splitting is reversible but the reversal is even more painful than the tongue splitting procedure. And while I can;'t imagine how painful that could be, I can imagine it would allow this chick to give a phenomenal blowjob.

Getting tazed at the Phillies game? Eh, maybe its the new hotness. But me? I'll just take a good old fashioned clotheslining like they still do at Fenway (#19). Although Bertie Bee can lay some shit out, too.

The funny thing is I actually did make an attempt to make sure I spelled it correctly, by Googling 'paduan'. Sure enough, it's a valid word. But what I should have done was look up the script for Phancom Menace. Anyway, yeah I know, kinda dickish to be a Grammar Nazi to the nephew but someone has to keep these kids on their toes. If I'm not doing it, who will? Otherwise shit, they might end up taking French in school. Oh wait.

If there is a God -- if there honestly and truly is an all powerful being that loves and cares for us all -- then he will let let me die and get reincarnated as a pair of Stacy Kiebler's jeans. Otherwise, no dice.

kim k is looking healthy and kelly brook is a nerdy dominatrix.

uhhh, why are so many people so willing to join the teabagger movement?

think david boreanaz is a dirty cheater? check out these readers' sleazy stories.

For Every Dog, There Is An Equal And Opposite Dog.

Despite their physical appearances -- neither of them has big fuckin ears -- and the fact that they sleep in the same bed, eat the same food, and get the same amount of attention and exercise, it's amazing how different Ike and Bianca's personalities are. Take playing in the pool for example. If I throw in a ball for Ike, he'll stop and watch where it splashes down, and then run around the pool to find the closest point to the ball from to jump in from. If I throw a ball for Bianca, it's an simple A to B process. She's A, the ball is B, and God fucking help you if you're anywhere between the two as she'll gladly vault around, over or through whatever she has to in order to get the ball as quickly as she can. Ike goes outside and relieves himself on whatever is conveniently nearby. Bianca spends ten minutes searching for that perfect blade of grass which to bless with her pee, which usually ends up being the exact same spot that Ike peed on a few minutes earlier. Ike attacks the vacuum cleaner, Bianca doesn't give a shit either way. Ike eats his food as quickly as I eat Five Guys burgers, while Bianca won't eat at all if she doesn't have an audience. No shit; stop watching Bianca and she'll stop eating. But perhaps the biggest difference of all is, well, Bianca is dumber than shit. In fact just this very morning, Ike and I spent ten minutes amusing ourselves by watching Bianca search the house high and low, trying to find these fucking cats.

"This is Machete. With a special Cinco de Mayo message. TO ARIZONA." Wow, everyone is throwing their hats into the illegal Mexican ring, eh? I wonder if this movement is going to carry over to other border towns, like San Diego?

When Hooters girls wear the shorts and top, does that count as a uniform? Because who doesn’t love girls in uniform? But beware: Unlike Hooters girls, the Israeli chicks are all trained in hand to hand combat and will be more than happy to give you a swift kick in the nuts.

These amazing pictures were taken by Anatoly Beloshchin in a cave in Cenote Angelita, Mexico. Thirty meters deep, fresh water, then sixty meters deep salty water and a river, island and fallen leaves. Okay you deep sea diving, nature loving freaks, I grasp different salinities and thermal grading but how does this happen?

Soccer fans: the passion, the fury and the disappointment. And the flame throwers. I mean what kind of a fan would you be without your flamethrower, right?

the twenty best 'shit my dad says' quotes.

the 2011 dub edition mustang is one cool ride.

Awww, Bambi's Got A Special Hole Just For Me.

I hate to say it, but the best explanation of the Deep Horizon oil spill is by Al Jazeera. Way to go CNN, nice hustle out there. We'll get em next time.

As expected, I got fucked at the DMV yesterday. I show up to the downtown office and there are two ways I can go about renewing my registration. Well, two ways in person anyway. I should have done it online last month but that's another story. Anyway, there's the express lane that's usually pretty quick (limit of three transactions) or the full-service-take-a-number-and-wait-best-of-luck-to-you general pool. How many transactions do I have to take care of? Five -- don't forget the scooters have to be registered too. And when I first show up, the express lane only has one clerk, but the line is pretty short with only two people waiting. On the flip side, the pool has seven clerks with 78 as the next ticket to be pulled with "NOW SERVING 62" lit up on the scrolling red LED screen.

So fuck it, I just in the express lane and after a brief five minute wait, get my first three registrations taken care of. I turn around to requeue myself back into the express lane and holy fuck... now the line extends ten feet to the door and curls out into the hallway. I briefly consider jumping ship, coming back a later day to take care of the two remaining registrations. But since they're already two days late, I decide not to push it. But looking at this express lane now quite overburdened with lunchtime retirees all hauling their oxygen tanks, backed up by a Hispanic lady with 712 kids, and I decide jumping into the general queue would be best. I yank a ticket -- 88 -- and look up at the NOW SERVING sign -- 78. Okay, fine. I sit down and wait.

And wait. And wait. 79.... Wait. and wait..... 80... .and wait... and wait. But of course it's lunchtime so what happens to two of the general pool clerks? That's right! They put their "Sorry Motherfuckers, Out to Lunch!" faces on and push back from their desks. And then there were five. I glance back and I can distinctly hear people laughing at me. Oxygen Tank Man is now only three from the front of the express lane and Overly Fertile Hispanic Lady is two behind him. Fuck it, I'll hedge my bets. I keep my 88 number and return to the express lane... whichever one finishes first, I'm in.

So now I'm standing there ticket in hand, trying to keep an eye on the little kid picking his nose and I creep every closer to the front of the line while the numbers start counting upwards in the main room. of course, they call out 87 right as I make it to the front of the express line, forcing me to make a choice. If they call my number now, do I bail from the express lane? Do I preemptively bail now, so when they call 88 I'm ready to go? Ultimately I decide to just say fuck it, stay where I am and a few minutes later when they call out 88, I remain silent. The clerk up there doesn't waste much time and after looking around the room with a bored look on her face and seeing no response, quickly moves on to 89.

And that was right around the time the clerk running the express lane picked up the phone and called her supervisor. I could overhear something about 'taxes' and 'problem' and '2009'. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Overly Fertile Hispanic Lady lived up to her name as she fucked me one more time. Over the next fifteen minutes I impatiently shifted my weight from foot to foot and by the time I was called, the main room was working on customer number 92. And the best part? After I drove all the way home? I realized that I left my insurance card at the express lane desk and had to drive all the way back to the DMV. But that did give me the opportunity to hit the bank, so I guess it could have been worse.

The top ten Christina Hendricks' videos -- and guess what -- they all focus on her eyes! Nah, I'm only kidding, they focus on her really, really big tits which I am infantile enough to stare at! And while I'd never go so far as to say that she's not attractive, I think Lisa is a much better looking redhead.

As if there weren't enough distractions for Tiger Woods upon his return to golf at The Masters next week. Now it turns out that the Hooters restaurant in Augusta, just down the street from Augusta National, will host a week-long golf-themed bikini contest.

And much to my chagrin, Kevin Smith still continues to be super Twitter Boy. I dunno, maybe its me but every movie he's made since Clerks 2 -- a completely unnessecary sequel -- has been dogshit. Plus I think he handled that whole Southwest fatty-boom-balatty thing all wrong. Let's hope he gets his groove back one of these days.

five seconds left in the game. do you believe in miracles? ...yes!

least economically stressed counties in the country - the most (aka 'california')

Keeping My Nephew In Check.

As for me, I'll be spending the vast majority of my morning/afternoon sitting in line at the DMV getting my registrations renewed. So I must admit, I did a little borrowing to make up the meat and potatoes of today's post. I hope you don't think I'm an ass because of it. Also, I got the chance to handle a Beretta CX4 Storm this past weekend, but I'm a little leery about owning one myself. Aside from looking kind of cool, it felt very chintzy and cheaply made. I had to use both thumbs to work the safety back and forth which to me, doesn't seem very safe. Anyone have more hands on experience with one? Is it the raging piece of shit that its first impression leads me to believe?

These days, it’s not uncommon — and is now even encouraged — to enhance beauty through artificial means. Celebrities have ridden this wave for a long time, and one of the most popular procedures is the infamous breast enhancement. It’s become such a norm these days that it’s hard to even keep track of which starlets have real breasts and which of them don’t. The percentage of plastic is growing, but some celebs — and their chests — stand out more than others. Here are fifteen famous celebrities with artificial knockers; before, and after, their procedure.

I read this again, and it made me LOLz.

This is one of the guilty pleasures in life. You see a girl with beautiful boobs – she gets excited or starts running – and then her boobs are bouncing all over the place. Hell, the Baywatch creators made billions of dollars with this gimmick. Remember Pamela Anderson running on the beach? We’re so easy to please!

Jeez, I haven't been this content since I was a kid and someone poured sand on my buttcrack. Oh wait, what the fuck did I just say?

After the actress Lynn Redgrave learned she had breast cancer in December 2002, she chose to undergo surgery, followed by a half-year regimen of chemotherapy and radiation. She also asked her daughter Annabel Clark, then a photography student at Parsons School of Design, if she would photograph the course of treatment and recovery. It was an idea that had occurred to Annabel as well: while her mother documented the experience in her journal, she would take pictures of the healing process -- and in so doing, become part of that process, for both her mother and herself.

On August 6, 1945, the nuclear age began as the B-29 bomber Enola Gay dropped an atomic bomb on the city of Hiroshima, Japan. Twelve men were on that flight. Some chose to keep a low profile and others spoke out about their place in history. Almost all had something to say after the war.

dutch site containing some great photos of the deepwater horizon fire.

the new apple ipad meets the real world.

the top ten reasons men watch porn. besides, you know, it's awesome.

android passes us iphone web traffic. wow.

the unwritten rules of sports. you know, the ones bill belichick ignores.

Never Before Have I Watched Such A Horrible Movie.

I love zombie movies. I love cheesy zombie movies. I love cheesy zombies movies with horrible plots. I adore bad acting and eighth grade special effects. But none of those things could save Zombies of Mass Destruction. If you think back, you'll recall me saying that Zombieland was so successful because it was a comedy that just to happened to have the pretext of a zombie apocalypse. Thus even if you didn't appreciate zombies for the cinematic Picassos that they are, one could still enjoy Zombieland purely for its comedic value. Applying that same principle to ZMD and you find that you're watching a piece of political propoganda that just to happened to have the pretext of a zombie apocalypse. From the fucking minute the opening credits rolled, their "witty social satire" consisted of one piece of anti-Islamophobia and anti-homophobia after another. Listen, I can appreciate someone trying to use a film as a medium to get their message across; no problem. But Jesus fucking Christ, don't club me over the fucking head with it. That really burns my ass. Before I watched this piece of shit I had no problem with gays marrying; in fact I couldn't have given a shit one way or the other. Now I want gay marriage outlawed just because this movie beat that subject into the fucking ground. Same goes for Islamophobia -- now I want to nuke the Middle East just because this movie was so fucking bad. You name the horrible pun: confusing Iran for Iraq, saying "... or the terrorists win," or Catholic gay camps... it was fucking in there. It was so fucking bad, I wanted to turn the fucking thing off. Me. Turn off a fucking zombie movie. Yeah, that bad. Anyway, this thing stumbled around for about an hour and a half before they wrapped up the movie by saying the "Middle Eastern terrorist responsible for unleashing the chemical attack that turned people into zombies, has not been captured." Thus leaving the fucking door wide open for a sequel. But so help me God, if anyone plans one, I'll fucking gun them down myself. Yeah, it left that bad of a taste in my mouth.

Obama gets a few good zingers in at Leno during this year's White House Correspondence dinner. Oh my mistake, I shoudl address Obama by his proper title, Long Legged Mac Daddy. And Leno's shots back? Eh, pretty weak for a professional comedian, no wonder why his show is flopping.

I took her home, to my place. Watching every move on her face. She said, "Look-ah, what's your game baby? Are you trying to put me in shame?" Sorta NSFW.

Huh. Brits 2, Canadian 1. Guess who is my new special friend? You guys are about as boobtastic as Simona Halep.

Jayne Mansfield was an American actress working both on Broadway and in Hollywood. One of the leading blonde sex symbols of the 1950s, Mansfield starred in several popular Hollywood films that emphasized her platinum-blonde hair, 40D-21-36 hourglass figure and cleavage-revealing costumes. While Mansfield's film career was short-lived, she had several box office successes. As the demand for blonde bombshells declined in the 1960s, Mansfield was relegated to low-budget film melodramas and comedies, but remained a popular celebrity. Mansfield had been a Playboy Playmate of the Month and appeared in the magazine several additional times. She died in an automobile accident at age 34. Rumors that Mansfield was decapitated are untrue, though she did suffer severe head trauma. This urban legend was spawned by the appearance in police photographs of a crashed automobile with its top virtually sheared off, and what resembles a blonde-haired head tangled in the car's smashed windshield. It is believed that this was either a wig that Mansfield was wearing or was her actual hair and scalp. The death certificate stated that the immediate cause of Mansfield's death was a "crushed skull with avulsion of cranium and brain." Following her death, the NHTSA began requiring an underride guard, a strong bar made of steel tubing, to be installed on all tractor-trailers. This bar is also known as a Mansfield bar, and on occasions as a DOT bar.

And while I want to preface this next post with saying that I have never/do not/do not plan to ever watch Jersey Shore -- and I'll slap the cuffs on anyone who says I do -- does this comparison between Snooki and The-Other-One-With-Big-Tits make Snooki look like a fucking dwarf? There's got to be what... a two foot difference in height?

tiger woods, you suck. the month of april in fail.

the evolution from heidi montag to knockers montag.

would you pay $20,000 or more for a new 2011 ford fiesta?

Insert Your Favorite Birthday Weekend Joke Here.

30cal motorcycle - 50cal girl

--> dutch marine's helmetcam view of raid on pirate-seized ship. <--

friday movie news dump. no anchorman 2.

american meat is even grosser more awesome than you thought.

bizarre: snake befriends its hamster lunch.

big ass aircannon + cupcakes + high speed camera = wicked cool.

fifteen foods that i needed this morning.

cupofpepsi - twocansofbudlight