"Dear Ernie,

I am a selfish pain in the ass. you see, for the past eight years I've been a member of your mailing list. But I guess I mean "freeloader" more than I mean "member" since members by nature participate and contribute to things. You see over the past eight years many things have happened which have presented me with many opportunities to reach out and say hello to you, but I thought waiting all this time to write in, and then complaining when I do, would work out best for me.

I've never contributed a joke; nor offered any appreciation when you sent one that made me fuckin belly laugh until I shit myself. I remember you telling everyone it was your birthday, but fuck since I don't get anything that day I decided, "fuck you!" I don't know what "Daisy" is because I'm a cockhead and once I saw an email that didn't start out by saying I got anything out of it, I hit delete.

I don't know that LBEH can take donations not only by credit card, but by check, money order or hell even cash like the old lady from Virginis who actually mailed $12 in loose change in a padded envelope, because I never spend the 10 seconds it takes to figure that out. Or God forbid, I never felt like asking: it was mush easier for me to say, "fuck it" and then go siphon some gas from my neighbor's car so I could drive to get my fucking unemployment check.

I know you can appreciate having some spare time on your hands, since you took a break for a good portion of 2004 and didn't send out any mailing. Now I don't know if this hiatus was from you just wanting to take a break, or maybe you had another death in your family, or hell maybe you even had a 8cm canercous tumor growing on the outside wall of your stomach that was pressing into your diaphram so much it you couldn't climb a flight of stairs without getting winded -- hell I don't don't because I never bothered to ask! Ha! Isn't that funny Ernie! Yeah, and when you got back a few months ago and started your jokes again, I sure as hell didn't say, "Welcome back, I missed you like a son of a bitch!" No, I just kept doing what I had always been doing... soaking up everything you send out without even so much as a thanks.

In fact, as I think about it, you don't charge anything for your mailing list or your website, even though I'm sure it costs you money to run them. Not to mention the extraordinary amount of time you put into both. And despite all this the only time you ever asked for donations for anything, was to help people other than yourself! And guess what, I didn't give shit then, either! HAHAHAH!

Let me tell ya Ern, despite all this one way relationship you and I have going, I have to be honest. Your last mailing kind of hurt my feelings and I want you to kiss my knee and make it better. And to as an added hoot, I'll going to say I'm giving you, "feedback" so if you get mad I can always play the, "you don't handle feedback very well" card.

I know I really don't have any right to complain for all the aforementioned reasons, but I know that you'll look kindly upon me because you're a kind and sensitive man.

Well, I've got to go, time to pretend I'm blind so I can get a free bus ride downtime for more cheese.Looking forward to more of your free stuff!

Sean Schaefer

ps - please flame me and kick me off your list."