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Jen Bucknell wrote:

i just recently recieved a forward from a friend at S.U. this forward was about facts about the penis, etc. i noticed that at the bottom you have manipulated it's form and added it to a type af sign-on joke list.

first of all, it was not a joke.

second i do not appreciate you doing this at all.

i wrote that forward, with a little help from my friend, and don't like the fact that you are now passing it off as if your own. i realize there is no real copywrite for email, and no possible way to enforce it if there was one, but if you are going to use other peoples ideas, don't plagerize or steal them, at least give a little acknowledgement to the original creators. i realize too that you may have not recieved our adresses with this forward either, and that some punk probably erased it and sent it in to you, but still you annoyed the piss out of me. it took hours to compile the data and type that out. i hope you are satisfied with yourself and realize the misery you have brought me and by friend.

i hope you feel the letdown, agony, and heartbreak that comes with someone stealing something that you worked long and hard on... only to be mangled in form and used for something unentended. it was first intended to bring joy and laughter to fredonia state, then possibly to others elsewhere, and i'm glad that now more people are getting to recieve this laughter also, but this is at my sorrow. i hope you don't recieve money for doing this joke/listserv, because that would make me dislike you even more. to sum up, i just wanted to say i do not appreciate this and i hope sometime in in life you also have this happen to you...i am including an original copy of "The Penis Files" for your enjoyment and to show the original humor. so i hope you're happy with yourself.

Hi Jen,

Normally I wait to respond to such as this until Friday. However, since this subject seems to be of such an importance to you, I felt somewhat obligated to address it immediately and attempt to alleviate your feelings of letdown, agony, and heartbreak. Let me first begin with saying there were two ways you could have addresses this issue with me. One way being, "wise" and the other, "unwise."

If you received my footer, then you obviously received the URL for my humorlist's website. So, before sending me that poorly worded, nasty-gram, you could have researched some things and found the answers to at least two of your questions before proceeding as you did.

For your viewing pleasure I quote:
--"There is NO monetary charge to be added to the list..."
--"I claim no authoring or copyright protection with any of these messages, as I only distribute them...."
--"Please strip off the 'FWD: Fwd: Fwd:' crap..."

So before opening our mouth, we have determined that I do not make any money off the list (quite the contrary actually, it's costing me about $50 a month for maintenance). Additionally, we have determined that there's a good chance that I didn't receive the "Penis Files" with your name on it anywhere, since I request all the forwarding info be removed prior to sending to me. And yet as just one more tidbit, I state very clearly that I am not responsible for the creation of any of these jokes, as I merely collect them and forward them out to my subscribers.

Perhaps writing something like, "Hi Ernie. You don't know me but actually I'm the origional author of of a joke about 'penis info', that recently went out on your list. Now I looked around and know that you usually don't receive any info on the origional author, but was wondering if you would be so kind as to give me credit for my piece. A friend and I spent alot of time on it, and its kind of a pride thing. Hope you understand. Thanks in advance, Jen"

That would have yielded not only a warm hearted responses and the acknowledgement you so desperately yearn for, but maybe even an additional plug on my my monthly statistics posting. Think about that, and think about how you wrote to me and think about how that makes me want to respond. Now when I first received this posting, I thought to myself, "Wow, whoever wrote this must have sucked more cock then Heidi Fleiss." But if you are so adamantly demanding that you received credit for this, then who am I to say otherwise. I am more then happy to give credit where credit is due. But, you have angered me, so I feel its only fair that I have my say as well.

Therefore, I have some questions for you.

First, you research states the average ejaulation yields "1 to 2 teaspoons". My question is, how did you separate your saliva from the semen to arrive at this calculation?

Additionally, you state that over 50% of men admit to masturbating at least once a day, yet you only allow for a paltry 2000 whack-off induced ejaculations in a lifetime. This does not jive. Assuming that the other 50% are every-other-day whackers, we derive .75 whacks per day. Given there are 364 whacking days in a year (I personally try not to whack off on Christmas), we get 273 loads per year. 2000 loads / 273 loads per year = only 7.3 years of whacking? I think not. As a moderate assumption, let's say Little Ernie discovers the joys of penile manipulation at age 10 (I believe age 7 is more realistic, but how could I prove my claim?). Masturbation stops at age 17? I think not. Let's assume age 49, and even that is moderate. That means that instead of a mediocre 14 gallons of seed, we spill more like 98 gallons.

Now, we know the human body is about +/- 95% water, and since water is roughly 8.3 pounds per gallon, we can estimate that for every 8 pounds of human, we have one liquid gallon. Assuming the average female adult is about 130 pounds, their liquid volume would be just over 16 gallons. That means that you, and four of your closest friends, are merely sperm filled sacks.

Jen, if you were honestly and truly concerned with spreading good cheer and making people laugh, you would not be worried with whether or not your name stays on that posting. People take the jokes I forward out and make them their own every day. All the power to them. I derive enough pleasure just knowing 'my' jokes are out there circulating and making people laugh. While I'd prefer they leave my footer on so my list can grow, its no requirement.

Your goal nowhere as valiant and you would have us believe it to be. Your goal is simply ego related -- you want to get a thrill a few months down the road when you get your posting forwarded back to you and see all the neat mail headers and how it travelled to oh so many foreign places. And my goodness, you might just even get an e-mail or two from an admiring young fellow along the way, eh? Bingo.

Well, in parting, rest easy knowing you have now been given the proper acknowledgement for your work. And in parting, I will copy a parting words of wisdom from yet *someone else*, I'm sure you can relate.

Dante -- "My girlfriend sucked 36 dicks!"
Customer -- "In a row?"

Have a great week,
Ernie & Silent Bert.