home - search - features - challenges - pictures - movies - tits - disclaimer - forums - lbeh - erniestreet

mspurling@aol.com

Michael Spurling wrote:

To Bert and Ernie,

I like your site, nearly all of it is as you say "fucking funny" but I thought I would have a dig at you since reading your "flame" with the racist South African who thinks America is crap. Your military needs a fucking brutal kick up the arse but there is nobody around who can do it. You go bombing around fucking up everywhere and we (the British) follow closely behind you. Your military is the most advanced and perhaps most powerful in the world but without our steadying hand you would have nuked yourself by now. You seem to thrive off military blunders, whether it be strategically aiming missiles at hospitals or defending western freedom in countries by committing mass suicide, at the end of which you convince yourselves you won. As a result of this you think you are a heroic race when in fact you draw your heroic past from our glorious acts. You are good, I don't disagree with that, (after all the best of you were spawned from here) and you came in very handy against the Nazis but you were hardly heroic there. The whole western world was going down the pan and you didn't care until you realized it would effect you. Nowadays Hollywood makes films about your heroism most recently the truth based one about the capture of a German U-boat where America saves the day (The history books believe it was the British) resulting in your impressionable selves believing you live on Mount Olympus. Our days of supreme world power are at an end but you can never gain the power we lost, modern society has past the age of empire therefore stop trying to forward yourselves as anything more than you are.

Comparison:

Conflicts
Vietnam ~ Nasty Disgusting conflict where things just got fucked up
Falkland Islands ~ Invasion of British territory is met with swift powerful reaction

Raids
Wako ~ Traditional OTT American reaction resulting in massive loss of life
Iranian Embassy ~ SAS sent in to eradicate problem, 15 mins later all the kidnappers found a magazine of ammo released into them, all hostages released, no military casualties.

Shit Heads
Jamie Bulger's murderers ~ Shit kids once killed a baby, the outrage is still felt years later
Multiple psycho kids ~ In America the NRA encourages kids to kill their mates at school at least somewhere every 2 months.

Politicians
MP Peter Hamilton ~ Claims of accepting bribes to ask questions in court result in unemployment
Mr. Clinton ~ A convicted liar rules you and makes decisions based on personal popularity rather than the greater good

PS Please don't be so pedantic as to take apart minor errors such as spelling like I have seen you do before.

From your limey friend Michael

Dear Limey Michael,

Ich denke, daß Sie, mein limeyfreund verwechselt werden! Wenn es nicht für uns Amerikaner war, würden Sie so im Augenblick sprechen!

I cannot relay to you the amount of irony that I find, when noticing that you're a dumb fucking Brit -- complaining about America -- while using America Online for internet service. Oh yeah, that's right -- there is no "England Online" because none of you are fucking smart enough, and you wouldn't have the resources even if you were.

But humoring me will not save you from the fate that will become yours. Much like the crashing waves that tore the sunglasses from my face this past weekend, I will come rolling in, crest up, and crash into you so fiercely I will tear away your very existence. Then you will no longer hinder the evolution of mankind with your befuddled thoughts and regurgitated blasphemy.

I'd like to comment on a few of the points you to feebly attempted to make.

Your military needs a fucking brutal kick up the arse but there is nobody around who can do it.

Why say this? Why now say, "I really need a million dollars, but I don't have it." or "If my mom hadn't shot herself in the head, she'd be alive now." or "If my grandmother had balls, she'd be my grandfather."

And either way it's "ass", not "arse" -- you know, like when I point out that you're a,"stupid asshole". You know why there's nobody around to do it to kick our military's ass? Simple, because we can (and in most cases have) kick the living piss out of everyone out there, hands down, and everyone out there including yourself and your brave ol countrymen, KNOW IT. You said it yourself, "...You go bombing around fucking up everywhere and we (the British) follow closely behind you..." -- that's fucking right. BEHIND us. No in front of, not beside, BEHIND us. Sucking hind tit like the runt of the litter. Snapping up whatever scraps of food we decide to throw your way. We eat first. You eat second. Pussies. See, this is a concept you dumb fucking Brits still don't get. Maybe it would have been better to let the Germans beat it into your fucking skulls some fifty years ago.

You get all pissed off and complain that your pussy hurts when Hollywood makes a *fictional* movie that doesn't give the Brave'ol'Brits what you believe to be your due credit. Well you know what... when YOU rule the fucking world, then YOU can make whatever fucking movies you want. Until then, sit down, shut the fuck up, turn off your Oasis album, get the *fag* out of your mouth, and give us your fucking money to go watch OUR movies (and use our internet service). The Beatles are dead -- a good ol American boy saw to that!

Our days of supreme world power are at an end but you can never gain the power we lost, modern society has past the age of empire therefore stop trying to forward yourselves as anything more than you are.

Who the fuck are you trying to kid? You never had any days of supreme world power. Our forefathers left your piece of shit country in an attempt to forge a better nation, and quite frankly, they succeeded.

What happened in Kosovo a few months ago...some British troops were attacked by an angry crowd and you know what the pussy whipped Brits soldiers did? Fired their weapons up in the air...managed to shoot some of the rioters in their hands. Woo hoo. You know why they shot to wound and not to kill? I'll tell you. Because the last time you limey fucks shot dead someone in a crowd (Boston Massacre) we turned around, held you up by those big fucking noses of yours and kicked the fucking snot out of you all the way back to that little pussy island of yours.

The only reason you your second rate military maneuvers ever makes the fucking news, is because anytime they can actually complete something *without* fucking it up, it's newsworthy. I read the news and what do I see? Your pussy army is getting blown up by the IRA what...about once every two weeks or so.

We have hot dogs and hamburgers, you have your queer little fish and chips.

We have rock stars who fuck Playboy playmates. You have rock stars who hump one legged vegetarians.

We have the Corvette, you have a dented up black Mercedes.

We have Elvis who dies like a real man -- grunting out a brown trout on the throne. You have John Lennon, shot dead like the little bitch he was.

We have a continent, you have an island.

We have bombers stationed in your homeland, you have nothing in ours.

We have Buffy, you have Giles.

We have DENTISTS.

You country exists as merely a buffer zone we're keeping around as a sentimental reminder of the Cold War.

We permit you to be.

NOTICE: Your license to exist is hereby revoked.

And while you're at it, kiss my rosey red American ass. God knows your great-great-great-great-grandparents did.

The Driver of the Red Fiat,

Ernie "Uh-Can-You-Feel-That-Bitch"

PS -- don't be so naive as to think that our targeting a hospital was a blunder! Hell, you haven't lived until you've seen a guy in a wheelchair rolling down the street on fire.