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At 12:48 PM 10/6/97 -0700, grandemesa magazine wrote:

Out of about every three or four jokes there's usually one funny one, so you're right when you say that not everyone is going to like every joke, but don't forward me e-mails about how some stupid-ass bitch at some no-name college hated one of the racial jokes. I didn't sign up for that shit. I signed up for the jokes. Save that shit for your "Flame" page or whatever you call it.

Wow, first off, keep that attitude up, and you'll be on the other end of the flames, you worthless fuck.

Second off, you just unsigned yourself up.

Cheers

At 8:12 PM 10/6/97 -0700, grandemesa magazine wrote:

Oh, shit please don't take me off the list. Please, Bernie. I'll do anything!

I figured you'd have something to say about my e-mail, you little peckerwood. You like to talk shit to people and it seems to affect them a lot more than it should, but that's their hangup. You have to admit, it's easy to talk shit as you hide behind you computer, isn't it Bernie?

And, oh shit, please don't put me on the other end of the "flames," please don't do that, Bernie! Who the fuck cares? A bunch of e-mails from nerds like you isn't going to make me lose sleep. You overestimate your importance, Bernie. You're not a movie star. You're a nerd who likes to push people's buttons.

Don't bother e-mailing back. I'm done with you and your bullshit.

"Bernie" Bert + Ernie. Cute. I like it, you sweetie!

"Bernest" Better.

I do hope you'll pardon the tardiness of this reply, but I didn't want to send out too many flames at once on the list. Kind of straying from the whole purpose thing. Thanks for understanding.

Why of course I had something to say about your e-mail, you silly little man you! Don't I always? I mean don't you feel compelled, even obligated, to harrass stupid ignorant cum clot from across the nation? Ooops! I'm sorry, you ARE the stupid ignorant cum clot from across the nation! Well then, I guess that means I have a job to do, so here goes.

Do I talk shit from behind the computer? Good question. Well, I suppose that would be true. But of course if you have any better ideas on how to send out jokes to a COMPUTER list, other than a COMPUTER, I'm all ears. I mean I tried "Bert and Ernie's Postage Funny List" but almost went broke from buying stamps. "Bert and Ernie's Morse Code Funny List" didn't do so well after my Carpal Tunnel Syndrom set in from jerkin off. And of course "Bert and Ernie's Short Wave Radio Funny List" got shut down by the FCC. I used to hand the jokes out in person with the "Bert and Ernie's Pony Express Funny List", but that was real tough on the horses when I got a subscriber from Guam. So here we are back at the computer thing. The 90's man, get with it. And what's this GrandeMesa magazine crap all about, anyways?

And it would appear to me, and others whom I have shared your love letter with, that you have a BIG RED button marked, "Press here for a wonderous hissy fit." And not only did I push that button, but I dropped a great big load of trouser chili on it. I *love* to push people's buttons. Its a fetish of mine. Well, that and purple boas, but we can discuss that later in private ...wink...wink...

Nerds. "To be a nerd or not to be a nerd, that is the question." Am I a nerd? Sure, I suppose you can say that. Nerds-R-Us, that's me. Hey what do you call a nerd in 10 years? Boss! HAHAHA. I just crack me up. I could do this all day.

Movie Star. Well now see, there's something you and I agree upon. I certainly am no movie star. I put my pants on one leg as a time, just like every other guy in America. I get nervous when a cop drives behind me on the highway, just like every other guy in America. And I've blown numerous loads of pecker snot onto your wife's face, just like every other guy in America. See, I'm youe average Joe! But I suppose that if FOX were going to make a movie on my life, I'd be played by either Doogie Houser, or maybe Timothy McVeigh. Both of which would have to grow a goatee first.

Well, I'd like to wrap this all up by saying thanks for writing. I really love to hear from people like you. I've always been a participation kind of guy.

And remember...that ain't Noxema!

xoxox

Bernest Goes To Camp