E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

This One Is Up On Time So I've Got That Going For Me.

While the net worth of the average American varies wildly based upon a multitude of factors, let's use $301,000 as an average between the highest of Wall Street fat cats and the lowest of ditch diggers. Conversely, Tiger Woods' net worth is estimated to be around $740,000,000 and the car he was driving in his little dui fiasco costs $220,000 brand new. Now it wasn't totaled, mind you, just dinged up. But for the sake of argument, let's say it was completely destroyed and needs to be replaced. Putting this into perspective, Tiger Woods destroying his showroom condition 2015 Mercedes S65 AMG is as insignificant to him, as if you or I totaled a car we bought for $89.49 off Craigslist.

Sure The World May Be Going To Hell, But This Last Week Has Been Absolute Gold For One-liners.

An IATA airport code, also known as an IATA location identifier, is a three-letter code designating many airports around the world, defined by the International Air Transport Association. The assignment of these codes is governed by IATA Resolution 763, and it is administered by IATA headquarters in Montreal. The codes are published biannually in the IATA Airline Coding Directory. The characters prominently displayed on baggage tags attached at airport check-in desks are an example of a way these codes are used.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Router is Dicked Up, Thank Goodness For Verizon's Mobile Hotspot.

Armand de Brignac, colloquially known as "Ace of Spades" after the logo, is the name of the champagne brand produced by Champagne Cattier, and sold in opaque metallic bottles. The brand's first bottling, Armand de Brignac Gold Brut, is identifiable by its gold bottle with French pewter Ace of Spades labels. An appearance in Jay Z's 2006 music video for "Show Me What You Got" prior to the launch of the Armand de Brignac brand sparked wide discussion on sites covering hip-hop and popular culture, following his public fallout with the makers of Cristal. In June 2011 Mark Cuban spent $90,000 on a 15-liter bottle of Armand de Brignac in celebration of the Dallas Mavericks' NBA Championship.

I'm Laying With Six Dead Guys Around Me: D-day Vet Recalls The Day He Stormed Normandy Beach.

Sixty-seven years ago, American soldier Walter Ehlers landed on a Normandy beach in France, leading a squad of 12 men on D-Day who had no battle experience and had spent their Army tours entertaining the troops. Ehlers's squad scrambled up the beach under heavy fire, and all his men survived that historic turning point of June 6, 1944. Over 9,000 Allied soldiers died or were wounded. Ehlers's own brother, Roland, was among those killed on another part of the French coastline.

The West Coast Has Wildfires and Earthquakes. The Midwest Has Toronados. We have Hurricanes And...

"Well I don't know why I came here tonight, I got the feeling that something ain't right. I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair, and I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs. Gators to the north of me, snakes to the south of me, here I am, stuck in the middle with you."

Be Honest, Colleen Campbell? Would You?

Cholula hot sauce is a brand of chili-based hot sauce, manufactured in Chapala, Jalisco, Mexico, and licensed by José Cuervo. According to its manufacturers, Cholula hot sauce rates 500-1,000 on the Scoville scale though other sources measure it as being over three times hotter, at 3,600 Scoville units. The product is packaged with an iconic round wooden cap. Five varieties of Cholula are widely marketed in North America, including Original, Chipotle, Chili Garlic, Chili Lime, and Green Pepper.

I Hate It When A Plan Doesn't Come Together.

The Pomeranian is a breed of dog of the Spitz type that is named for the Pomerania region in Germany and Poland in Central Europe. The breed has been made popular by a number of royal owners since the 18th century. Queen Victoria owned a particularly small Pomeranian and consequently the smaller variety became universally popular. During Queen Victoria's lifetime alone, the size of the breed decreased by 50%. Overall, the Pomeranian is a sturdy, healthy dog. The most common health issues are luxating patella and tracheal collapse. Classed as a toy dog breed because of its small size, the Pomeranian is descended from the larger Spitz type dogs, specifically the German Spitz.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Innocent Until Proven Guilty, What Kind Of Shit Is This?

I am pleased to report that Florida now has the most just Stand Your Ground laws in the entire country; placing the burden of proof on the state, instead of the defendant. This won't change the outcomes of any trial outcomes, but it may save some law abiding folks from spending hundrerds of thousands of dollars in legal fees to defend themselves from charges filed by politically motivated prosecutors. Yes, Angela Corey, we're looking at you.

And This is Why They're Called Man's Best Tasteless Friend.

I met my buddy Pat in the early 90's when I was a sophomore in high school. He was a 'Nam vet, living in a dilapidated old apartment in a crummy small-town on Florida's west coast. The units were pretty run down, with cars, young bare-footed ill-watched children running about, and the various kind of yard detritus one might suspect. I guess he'd taken a shine to me because I was intrigued by him working on various cars, boats, and the fact that he'd sneak my 16 year old self beers, just to have someone to chat with. Also, Pat was in the midst of a nasty divorce. Sometimes these things happen when you decide to cohabitate with a cocktail waitress 20 years your younger, but such is life. She'd taken him for nearly everything (which wasn't much to begin with), leaving Pat almost completely broken hearted. Almost...because she left him Moose, a white poodle-ish dog of questionable lineage. Moose was great, Pat would take him to bars, dye him green for St. Patrick's Day, and they were always inseparable. If Pat was working on a derelict boat while sucking down a Parliament and mainlining Busch Light in the 90 degree heat, Moose was right there with him, all day long.

Today Is June 14th, Which Is Flag Day.

The American Flag should never be displayed with the union down, save as a signal of dire distress. And you no Anti-Fa assholes, your not liking the current President is not dire distress. The Flag should never touch anything beneath it, such as the ground, the floor, water, or merchandise. It should never be carried flat or horizontally, but always aloft and free.

Well, I Wonder How Many Articles HuffPo Will Be Deleting This Morning?

Okay here's a softball for you n00bs: if you can figure out where to catch up with me for a Bud Light, I can teach you the ins-and-outs of solving these photo challanges.

Score one for the Second Amendment, AMIRITE?

The Georgia manhunt for two escaped murderers ended in Tennessee after 2 dead corrections officers, 260 miles, 5 stolen vehicles, and 2 robbed homes. All brought to a screeching halt when said escapees attempted a third home invasion, only this time the homeowner was armed. And for the record, convicts like these are why I support capital punishment. I don't care that it's not a deterrent to crime. I don't care if God or the Bible says, Thou Shalt Not Kill. I don't care about rehabilitation. I simply want people like this disposed of in such a way where we can say with 100% certainty they won't hurt another innocent person. Life in prison, no matter how secure, can't guarantee that. Just stick a .45 behind their ear and everyone will rest a little easier tonight.

Insert Your Favorite Father's Day Weekend Joke Here.

One-Two-Three Punch.

Acute bronchitis, also known as a chest cold, is short-term inflammation of the bronchi (large and medium-sized airways) of the lungs. The most common symptom is a cough. Other symptoms include coughing up mucus, wheezing, shortness of breath, fever, and chest discomfort. The infection may last from a few to ten days. The cough may persist for several weeks afterward with the total duration of symptoms usually around three weeks. Some have symptoms for up to six weeks.

There Is No Greater Ab Workout Than Bronchitis.

When you order a margarita at most bars and restaurants, there's a good chance it will be made with a Jose Cuervo product, either the tequila, the margarita mix, or both. The company was named after the real Jose Cuervo, who created the first tequila in 1795 in the town of Tequila, Mexico. To save time when making margaritas, many bars and home bartenders use the Jose Cuervo margarita mix. Made with Jose Cuervo Gold Tequila, Grand Marnier liqueur and lime, Jose Cuervo Golden Margarita is a premium-quality margarita that's ready-to-serve. Break out the ice, twist the cap and pour and you'll be toasting life's moments with style and flavor.

And My Liver Thought IV Antibiotics Were Bad.

Cookie Monster is a Muppet on the long-running children's television show Sesame Street. He is best known for his voracious appetite and his famous eating phrases, such as "Me want cookie!" "Me eat cookie!" and "Om nom nom nom" (said through a mouth full of food). He often eats just about anything, including ice cream, hot dogs, cake, pizza, doughnuts, lettuce, apples, bananas, watermelon, as well as normally inedible objects. However, as his name suggests, his preferred food is cookies. Chocolate chip cookies are his favorite kind; oatmeal cookies are his second favorite. In a song in 2004, Cookie Monster revealed that, before he ate his first cookie, he believed his name was Sid. Despite his voracious appetite for cookies, Cookie Monster shows awareness of healthy eating habits for young children, and since 2006 he has said that cookies are "a sometime snack," and that he also enjoys fruits and eggplant.

Oh, My Liver. Also Today Marks One Year and One Day Since THE BREAK.

Sails are expensive and proper care can significantly extend their lifespan. Since we can't afford new cruising sails, our sails are always covered when we're done sailing for the day, sailcover on and never exposed to UV unless they're up and we're sailing. When we leave the boat for hurricane season, returning to the Midwest, it's critical that the roller-furling jib be off and not just wrapped. We've seen masts broken when boaters just added extra wraps to secure their jib versus taking the trouble to remove them.

I Am Genuinely Thankful For This Weekend.

One of the dreams of many homeowners is to have a cozy little living room with comfortable couches and a beautiful fireplace to enjoy a cool winter evening. Although this dream works in theory, the reality is that fireplaces often take a lot of work and money, even when you buy a home with one already installed. Some people may not even own their own homes, but still wish to get the fireplace feel in their rental unit. When the cost, maintenance, and even the possibility of installation of a real fireplace has you down, there are other avenues you can take. Electric fireplaces offer the same benefits of a normal fireplace with some added bonuses.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.