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Ernie's House of Whoopass! April 25, 2017
April 25, 2017

Another Gentle Reminder That Humans Are Fragile Creatures.

"A few years ago, I was down in Cabo San Lucas with my family and friends for vacation. My dad, my buddy and I decided to go play some golf, and end up at this very fancy, very expensive golf course. Given that we're spending all that money, I decide to avail myself of all the services the club offers. This includes complimentary shrimp tacos, as many as I can eat.

Things are going great until the 10th hole, when I feel a sudden twinge. About 9 minutes later, standing in the middle of the 11th fairway, the gears of gastrointestinal apocalypse kick into full gear, and I am struck by the horrible realization that I am not going to make a bathroom, and if I don't want to spray paint a line of feces down the fairway, my only chance is to sprint 25 yards, into the desert. I start running, ripping at my belt as I go. I do not make it in time.

So I'm now running towards the desert, shitting 117 tacos into my shorts; thank God I had on boxer-briefs, so at least containment was maintained as I ran. I make the desert, still shitting, drop my shorts, pull down my saturated, heavily laden underwear, assume a standing squat with my ass pointed as far from the civilian population as possible, and continue the diarrhea tsunami for at least another minute.

At this point, I lose my balance in said squat, and begin to fall back towards the pond of evil I've just unleashed on the earth. Instinct takes over, I throw my hand back to find anything to grab to prevent me from falling into the little ocean of vileness, and land my left palm squarely on top of a spiny cactus. The barbs penetrate to the bone in my hand. I'm now screaming, crying, covered in my own shit, with my shit laden drawers still around my knees because I couldn't get them all the way off my body. In a desert. In Mexico.

My father, concerned for my well being (I ran towards the desert without explaining, and now he can hear me screaming 10 feet deep into a chaparral), tries to come in and find out what's going on. I scream for him to not come any closer, for if he were to see that little panorama of catastrophe, we would never be able to look each other in the eye again. I tell him to throw me his golf towel, my towel, and my buddy's towel so I can set to the unpleasant experience of delousing myself as I stand now naked, absolutely covered in diarrhea, with a bleeding hand that I can no longer use after slowly removing it from the cactus, and not wanting to get sepsis by getting it near my feces covered body.

Cleanup takes about ten minutes, at which point I hurl my ruined, shit-filled britches further into the desert, where they get stuck on a tree branch and drip out a steady stream of poo, a lasting visual reminder of a near impossible amount of shame. I pull my shorts back on, emerge from the desert with no towels, tell my Dad I don't want to talk about it, and, to my credit, finish the round. Later that afternoon I sit on the floor of the shower in my hotel, knees clutched to my chest, rocking slowly back and forth as I weep softly for an innocence lost." - Evan via Drew Magary

That shotgun is a Remington Model 11-87. Keep em coming. - TobyC

Sorry Ernie, not sure what email to use..... That appears to be a Remington model 1100 in a 12 ga. Paul

Bzzzt. I know I labeled the file as 'semiautomaticshotgun' but in fact it's a pump action; specifically notice there's no bolt handle and the top rear of the forestock is cut away to allow pump movement.

As you perform exterior maintenance items like putting away garden tools and hoses, mulching flower beds, and trimming back spent perennials, give a bit of attention to your windows. Late-fall is a good time to remove your screens to clean the exterior of your windows and sills before winter sets in. Most window screens, such as for double-hung and slider windows, are located on the exterior of the window. For exterior screens, removing them before washing windows make the job easier. It's also a good idea to hose off or vacuum all screens, inspect them for any holes, tears, or other damage, and repair as necessary. Store them in a safe place away from foot traffic until they are needed in the spring.

Any idea what building these green and yellow H signs are for? I even whipped up a quick semblance for a reverse image search, but no joy.

Hey Ernie, The perky-titted lady is holding a Winchester SXP Field Shotgun. Keep'em coming, Tim

Hey Ernie, Didn't know if you knew or not but the February 2017 archive is a duplicate of January 2017. Thanks for all you do! Keep up the great work and hope you feel better soon! Jeremy R

Well, in short Jeremy, the script responsible for creating the month summaries shown under SEARCH, well, fucked the dog. Until I can get around to unfucking it, please use the two links I provided in your post. Also, shit.

A beach cruiser is a bicycle that usually combines balloon tires, an upright seating posture, a single-speed drivetrain, and straightforward steel construction with expressive styling. Cruisers are popular among casual bicyclists and vacationers because they are very stable and easy to ride, but their heavy weight and balloon tires tend to make them rather slow. They are designed for use primarily on paved roads, moderate speeds/distances, and are included in the non-racing/non-touring class and heavyweight or middleweight styles of the road bicycle type. The bikes, noted for their durability and heavy weight, were the most popular bicycle from the early 1930s through the 1950s, and have enjoyed renewed popularity since the late 1990s.

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