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Ernie's House of Whoopass! April 18, 2017

April 18, 2017

I'm Not 100% Positive, But I Think He's Talking About Skyline Chili.

"When I was in college, I went to school in Corpus Christi, TX and had taken a weekend trip to San Antonio to hang out with some friends. On a whim, the Sunday afternoon I was scheduled to drive back I stopped by the ATT center to look at the Spurs store and decided to attend a Kings/Spurs game in the evening which cost about 20 bucks.

So I go to the game and inside is a BBQ food stand and go to town on probably more than a pound of chopped BBQ with about a gallon of sauce. Fast forward to later on and I arrived into Corpus at around midnight where my roommate promptly wanted to go have a late night dinner at Denny's. I chow down some more, we leave and start to head back home when the bubble guts hit. My apartment wasn't too far but I wasn't going to make it so I tell him to pull into Walmart.

As I get out of the car my guts are screaming to be let loose and I'm clenching my ass and doing a penguin walk and as I'm walking, shit starts leaking into my underwear and jeans. I don't think it's too bad, I figure it's something I could manage to save using a whole bunch of toilet paper. I run into the stall and pull down my pants and release what's left of the shit and I realize it's got a reddish tint to it due to the BBQ sauce. I look at my underwear and jeans and they are covered with what looks like that Ohio chili Burneko is always yammering on about. I'm so embarrassed and don't know what to do, and about a half hour later a Walmart employee walks in and I tell him to call an ambulance so I can fake getting out of Walmart.

Think about that, I was so embarrassed to just run out of store and hop back into the car and embarrass myself and roommate that I ask the employee to dial 911 and call for an ambulance.

So paramedics arrive and I tell them that the red poop might be due to blood and they put me on a gurney and rush me to hospital with my friend driving behind me. Several hours later and after a multitude of tests, x-rays and drugs administered to me one of the doctors comes in and tells me I actually DO have something wrong with me. They said one of my ureters which funnels pee from the kidneys to my bladder is closed and that they have to put a stent in to keep it open. Several days later I have a procedure done where I went in for outpatient surgery and they shoved a stent in through my dickhole and basically inflated a long rubber balloon that would hold my ureter open.

About six months later, I went into doctors office, the female doc applied some novocaine to the head of my dick and used some wiry alligator clamp thing to reach in and pull out about a footlong balloon out of my dickhole, fully awake. This was all because I didn't want to be embarrassed for five minutes." - Jon via Drew Magary

Those red benches are located in the Parco Civico in Lugano, Switzerland. Keep em coming. - TPC

Ernie those red benches are on lake lugano. James

The cute girl with the sensational cans, who hopefully is not dating that retard with the fake teeth, is just outside of the Tequila House at 417 Bourbon St, New Orleans. Always fun, Jerry

You've heard it a million times: The best way to stay healthy is to eat a wide variety of vitamin-rich foods. But eating a wide variety of foods can sometimes be difficult in our on-the-go culture. Enter super foods. They're packed with vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants, which minimize the cell damage that may lead to heart disease, cancer, and other diseases. Researchers at the Human Nutrition Research Center on Aging at Tufts University measured various fruits and vegetables for their oxygen radical absorbance capacity, or their antioxidant power. Which pack the most powerful antioxidant punch? Blueberries and strawberries lead the list.

Halls Breezers are great tasting non-mentholated drops that soothe everyday throat irritations. Whether it is a scratchy throat or a cough that won't quit or if you just want something to help you boost your immune system, Halls has you covered. Halls Breezers provides fast, effective relief that starts working within 10 seconds.

And I have to admit, I had imagined someone would have nailed down the sexually harrassed statue by now.