Ernie's House of Whoopass! April 11, 2017

"We heard that our friend, Tim Saccardo, had the world's greatest Kurt Russell diarrhea story (there are a lot of diarrhea songs and stories out there). We asked him to share it with our Comedy.com readers in excruciating and explosive detail. After a few prune juice cocktails and a promise of fame and fortune, Tim agreed. We now present you with the world's greatest Kurt Russell diarrhea story:"

My first celebrity sighting in Los Angeles was not at a premiere or a party or The Grove. It was in a rundown movie theater bathroom, and he was coming straight at me out of a stall. I wasn't sure if anybody was in there. When I reached down to check if it was locked, the door suddenly flew open and there he was – Kurt Russell. Not “Tango & Cash” Kurt Russell, not “Big Trouble in Little China” Kurt Russell, not even “Captain Ron” Kurt Russell, but a Kurt Russell I can only describe as at-a-major-low-point-in-his-life Kurt Russell.

This particular Kurt Russell had long greasy hair that clumped together just above his shoulders. His face was overgrown by a week or two of jagged stubble and his blotchy skin glistened with a thick film of oil and flop sweat. His squinty eyes seemed confused by the harsh fluorescent bathroom lights, and it was difficult to tell whether Mr. Russell was at the peak of a weeklong bender or struggling to survive some mutant overseas virus. Throughout it all, however, he was still conscious enough of his fame to make a cursory attempt to shield his movie star face from gawking onlookers like me. In an instant, he was gone, just as quickly as he had appeared.

In a momentary daze, I tried to make sense of what just happened. Then I saw it. In the bathroom stall just vacated by Hollywood legend Kurt Russell moments ago, sat a toilet covered in diarrhea.

And allow me to make myself clear. I don't mean that Kurt Russell forgot to flush, or Kurt Russell left a floater, or Kurt Russell neglected to cover up a bowl-side skidmark with a piece of toilet paper. I mean that Kurt Russell left the toilet covered in murky brown liquid shit. Shit filling the bowl, shit running down the sides, shit splattered on the checkered tile floor, shit that produced a stench thick enough to simultaneously choke me and punch me in the face. In movie-speak, Kurt Russell had left a “Backdraft” and then “Escaped from L.A.” all in a Santa Monica men's room.

So, what did I learn from this? That Kurt Russell is a disgusting pig with no regard for his fellow movie theater bathroom patrons? Possibly. But beyond that, I learned that diarrhea is the great equalizer. We've all had it, both the famous and the non-famous. Just because you starred in “Tequila Sunrise” does not mean you don't make the occasional brown sunset. Just because you bombed in “3000 Miles to Graceland” does not mean that you don't drop a crap bomb after eating a bad chimichanga. Just because you made a major career comeback in Quentin Tarantino's “Death Proof” does not mean that you are turd proof. Just because you played the classic role of Snake Plissken in “Escape from New York” does not mean the occasional butt snake does not escape from you.

So you see, celebrities are just like us. Except for when they have diarrhea... then people read about it on the Internet. -- Posted by Tim Saccardo, who will never go into a public restroom again.