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Jury Duty Part XII: If You're Going To Commit A Crime, Don't Do It On Camera.

Back in the jury room, the six of us meander to our seats, myself and Retired Engineer Dude stopping to grab a gulp of water from those cone shaped paper cups that sit next to the water cooler. Once everyone is seated, Skinny Tanned Bald Dude reads off the list of possible charges that we can either convict or acquit Chris Penn of. Now the whole difference between Burglary of a Conveyance and Trespassing is the intent to steal; that is to say are we sure beyond a reasonable doubt, that Chris Penn meant to steal something when he rifled through the toolbox in John Goodman's truck. Again -- and very important -- this intent could be concluded using circumstantial evidence. As the conversation went around the room, it was offered that intent could indeed be drawn based upon these facts: Chris Penn had no valid reason for even being in the dermatologist's office int he first place, Chris Penn opened both of the passenger side doors closest to John Goodman's truck, two witnesses place Chris Penn's arms and head inside the toolbox, Chris Penn fled the initial scene without offering any explanation of why he was in said toolbox, and finally (based upon his statement on video) in order to confuse a box truck with a pickup truck you must either be a complete fucking idiot, or someone lying to cover up a theft. As the jury foreman, Skinny Tanned Bald Dude then picks up the jury ballot form and gives it a long, slow, thorough read. He reaches down into his breast pocket and removes a blue ballpoint pen. And so that afternoon, on a sunny but chilly day in Florida, it took this jury less than ten minutes to check GUILTY next to Burglary of a Conveyance.

The second charge Chris Penn could be convicted of is Aggravated Assault with a Deadly Weapon, and then to a lesser degree simple Battery; the difference between the two being the use of a deadly weapon. Again, not one of us wanted to rush these deliberations because hey if it were our happy ass sitting out there next to Peter Griffin, we'd want the jury to take their time and do things right. But then again, if I were to try to run someone over with my fucking car, I'd hope to choose a place where the entire event wouldn't be captured on a fucking security camera, either. Our first order of business was to take into account Peter Griffin's assertion that John Goodman had all but thrown himself on top of the hood of Chris Penn's car. While a spirited argument, not a single fucking one of us bought it. Like not even for a second. Everyone saw the exact same thing on the convenience store footage and interpreted it exactly the same way; Chris Penn plowed into John Goodman in such a manner that would have made David Carradine proud. Thusly, it was decided Peter Griffin's contention that John Goodman's own behavior led to the impact was dismissed as complete horseshit.

So now that we all agree that Chris Penn did indeed use his car to strike John Goodman -- thusly securing a guilty verdict of at least Battery -- the next thing to determine is, could the car be considered a deasly weapon when used in the manner in which is was. More specifically, going back to Peter Griffin's attempt to mitigate his client's behavior, "Sure he may have hit him, but my client was only going 2-3 miles an hour and John Goodman said himself that he suffered no injures." And I'll be honest, I half expect Skinny Tanned Bald Dude to say that he would once again like to review the security camera footage which showed the assault. In fact, I bite the inside of my cheek a little bit so I don't find myself climbing up onto the desk and shouting, "not this shit again." To my delight, Fat Accountant Dude speaks first and says, "Well I don't know about you, but I didn't see any brake lights come on in the car, and he hit the guy pretty good." A Little Overweight But Still Cute Divorced Chick chimes in next, "Yeah i didn't see any brake lights, either. And he launched him up onto the hood pretty good." Fat Accountant Dude seizes this opportunity to really drive his point home, "Yeah he happened to roll off to his left, which took him off the car. if he had rolled to his right, he'd have ended up under the wheels." Not wanting the party to unfold without him, Retired Engineer Dude offers, "Even then as he rolled off the fender, those tires were only a few inches away from him. If his leg had fallen another way and been caught under that wheel?" Retired Engineer Dude then punctuates his comment with a low, slow whistle whilst shaking his head. And so that afternoon, on a sunny but chilly day in Florida, it took this jury less than fifteen more minutes to check GUILTY next to Aggravated Assault with a Deadly Weapon.

With our official responsibilities over, I'm amazed how much the mood lightens in the room. Hell, I'm amazed how much my mood lightens. It was not unlike how I felt after completing finals in high school. Just a weight has been lifted. Well, for us anyway, Chris Penn sure as fuck is going to have a shitty afternoon, but the rest of us felt great. Skinny Tanned Bald Dude slides the jury ballot form over to me and asks me if I concur with what he had checked off. Guilty next to Burglary of a Conveyance. Guilty next to Aggravated Assault with a Deadly Weapon. I agree that I do, and give him a thumbs up. I slide the form over to Retired Engineer Dude, who confirms its accuracy, and slides it over to Black Dude With A Beard, and so on down the line. After all five of us agree, Skinny Tanned Bald Dude takes it back from A Little Overweight But Still Cute Divorced Chick, and signs and prints his name in the appropriate "JURY FOREPERSON" places. He stands up, and gives the form one final look before walking over to the outside door and knocking. The bailiff opens the door and Skinny Tanned Bald Dude holds out the completed ballot to him, "We've reached verdicts." "Oh , no, no. You don't hand the form to me. Just hold onto it and I'll call you back to the courtroom in a minute." Skinny Tanned Bald Dude comes back and takes his seat, and the conversation turns to our personal observations about the trial.

Retired Engineer Dude kind of laughs and says, "With a case that was as open and shut as this one was, why are we even here?" Fat Accountant Dude nods his turkey neck in agreement, "You'd think the prosecution must have offered some sort of plea deal somewhere along the way, right?" "Yeah why didn't he take it?" asked Black Dude With A Beard, "everything he did was captured on camera." While this was happening, I was doing some quick math in my head and contributed the following to the banter, "Both John Goodman and his son testified there were nothing but oily rags and an old set of jumper cables in his toolbox, right?" Retired Engineer Dude nods his head. "So how long do you think it would take someone to open a toolbox and figure out there's nothing of any value inside? Seven or eight seconds, maybe?" "Well, ten if there are enough rags," says A Little Overweight But Still Cute Divorced Chick. "Okay, ten seconds. Meaning over a given minute Chris Penn would have about 6 chances to open and search the toolbox. And John Goodman testified that he was inside for about half an hour, let's assume he's spot on, so exactly 30 minutes. And from what we saw on the video, it took about ten seconds for the guy and his son to walk from their truck after they parked and walked to the doctor's office. That means of the 180 theoretically chances Chris Penn would have had to search the toolbox, 179 of them would have gone completely unnoticed. It was only by pure bad luck, he happened to choose to search the toolbox at the exact same window that it took for John Goodman and his kid to come out of the doctor's office. If he had chosen to steal any the other 179 times, we wouldn't be here today. "Huh," shrugs Fat Accountant Dude, "now that's just bad luck." The short silence that befalls the room as each person digests what I had just said is broken only by a quiet knock at the door. It opens and the bailiff pokes his head in, "they are ready for you now."

Astute viewers will recognize the guy from Demolition Ranch as the same Dr Matt from Vet Ranch. And speaking of dogs, early Saturday morning, a pooch named Ludivine -- a two and a half year old hound dog -- was let out of the house in Alabama to do her business. Prone to roaming around town at will, Ludivine snuck out of the backyard and made her way to the starting area of the inaugural Trackless Train Trek Half Marathon about a quarter mile away, where she participated in the entire race 13.1-mile-long course. The dog finished in the top ten in the Elkmont Half Marathon and has become quite the Internet sensation. Ludivine finished seventh out of 165 runners in just under an hour and a half. Although not counted as an official participant in the race, the athletic dog was presented with a well-earned medal.

Old and busted: Sriracha 2 Go; sometimes you don't carry your keys with you, amirite? The new hotness: Sriracha packets. You're welcome.

You know, it amazes me that Walmart still hasn't put the availablity of .22 ammo back on their website. Everything else is updated, mind you, except for the most common plinking caliber in the fucking country. And I feel bad for not having a photo challenge yesterday, so show me where this Dodge Challenger and Ford Ranger seem to have been parked by complete assholes.