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Brothers Don't Shake Hands. Brothers Gotta Hug.

You know, I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm genuinely looking forward to I Am Chris Farley. And if you're not? Well fuck you, too.

Finally, Some Truth In Advertising.

Every year over a hundred Brown Bears descend on a mile long stretch of Brooks River to feast on the largest Sockeye Salmon run in the world. This is exclusive LIVE footage from Alaska's Brooks River in Katmai National Park.

Tomorrow Is The Big Day People, 239 years of Kicking Ass And Taking Names.

Fifty-six delegates to the Second Continental Congress in Philadelphia signed the United States Declaration of Independence, a statement announcing that the thirteen American colonies then at war with Great Britain were now independent states, and thus no longer a part of the British Empire. Although the wording of the Declaration was approved by Congress on July 4, 1776, the date of its signing has been disputed. Most historians have concluded that it was signed nearly a month after its adoption, on August 2, 1776, and not on July 4 as is commonly believed.

By The Rocket's Red Glare, Happy Independence Day, Motherfuckers!

Normally, I Couldn't Give A Shit About FIFA, But You Have To Admit The Irony Is Pretty Stunning.

Sunday night, the U.S. faced off against Japan in what felt like a rematch of sorts given the fact that the teams faced each other in the finals in 2011 as well. Americans were hoping for a far different outcome than the 5-4 penalty scoring win last Women's World Cup, which saw Japan win their first championship. And a different outcome, they got, with a solid 5-2 win cemented within the first 15 minutes of the match. So let the butthurt begin!

I Can Only Hope That Ana Is Well Versed In the Intricacies Of Suppositories.

Palm trees reproduce by seed pods, which are shaped like airplane drop tanks. Only instead of being filled with fuel, they're filled with about seventy-five billion-trillion hard little seeds about 1/4" in diameter. They're not much of an inconvenience when they drop on the yard, but when they drop on the sidewalk/driveway, each trip to take the dogs out is like a Lego firewalk. So anyway, my neighbor was having some of his trees trimmed yesterday, so I walked over to the guy operating the boom lift and asked him if he wanted to make a little money on the side trimming the seed pods from the four royal palm trees in front of my house. He looks over at them, rubs his chin and says, "$110." "I've got a $100 bill," I counter. "Move your pickup." So he pulls into my driveway, drops the side extenders and twenty minutes later all of my seed pods are resting curbside. I didn't know this before, but each of those fucking things is like 100 pounds, and awkward as fuck to carry. I know this because I'm the one who had to drag them to the curb. And now I'd just like to sit on a park bench somewhere, and relax. Any idea where am I readed to?

I'm Sorry For The Things I Said When The Cable Modem Was Down.

Most people discard the rind of the juicy watermelon, but don't be so hasty – the watermelon rind has many benefits. Not only does the rind contain plenty of health-promoting and blood-building chlorophyll, but the rind actually contains more of the amino acid citrulline than the pink flesh. Whether you eat the rind or use it topically, this often-wasted food can do good things for your body. Finding a use for it also helps cut down on the amount of garbage you produce, so it's good for the environment as well.

I Bet This Shit Doesn't Happen To Burt And Heather Gummer.

While it's not making any national headlines, this home invasion happened this morning in a town that's about an hour and a half north of me. And for those of you keeping score at home, that's 3 to 5 home invaders -- hence the need for high capacity magazines -- and the location is directly across the street from a school, and anywhere within 1,000' of which is a GUN FREE ZONE to any non-property owners without a valid CCW. So even if it's a Noisy Cricket, have the means to defend yourself and your loved ones.

I Honestly Don't Know How I Would React If I Encountered A Urinal Like This.

The Magic Bullet is a compact blender manufactured by Homeland Housewares, a division of the American company Alchemy Worldwide, and sold in over 50 countries.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

For Reasons I Can Not Explain, I Laughed Way Too Hard At This.

I happened to stumble across a little mini-car show this weekend. Or really is was just a dozen or so nice cars in a restauarant parking lot but still, 1968 Chevelle!

Just So There Are No Misunderstandings, That's "Kids Are Weird" Written By Jeffrey Brown.

The old wives tals that all red tabby cats are male is false; in truth around 20% of red tabby cats are female. This is becaus all red tabby cats display the sex-linked orange gene O, and the O is carried by the X chromosome. The male has only one X chromosome. The female has two X chromosomes. For a male cat to be red, his X chromosome must carry the O gene. For a female to be red both X chromosomes must carry the O gene (homozygous). The latter is rarer than the former. so there are more male red tabby cats than female red tabby cats.

She Doesn't Seem To Mind That Her View Is Obstructed. Or Isn't.

Historical accounts claim that the Egyptians, the first people to domesticate cats, lured them into their homes with offers of fish and that's supposed to be how cats developed the taste for fish. The truth is cats are obligate carnivores meaning they must eat primarily meat as their main source of food, they may also eat a small amount of vegetables, fruits and grains. Taurine is an amino acid that regulates heart rhythm, reproduction, digestion and vision. Cats need taurine found in high concentration in the heart and liver of animals, especially fish. Most mammals manufacture taurine from other amino acids, but cats can't and must have their diet supplemented.

My Mom Always Said, "If Something Is Worth Doing, It's Worth Doing Well."

Head restraints are an automotive safety feature, attached or integrated into the top of each seat to limit the rearward movement of the adult occupant's head, relative to the torso, in a collision — to prevent or mitigate whiplash or injury to the cervical vertebrae. An evaluation performed by NHTSA in 1982 on passenger cars found that "integral" head restraints , meaning a seat back extending high enough to meet the 27.5 in height requirement, reduces injury by 17 percent. But adjustable head restraints -- those attached to the seat back by one or more sliding metal shafts -- only reduce injury by 10 percent. NHTSA has said this difference may be due to adjustable restraints being improperly positioned.

So Long, Gunnery Sergeant Thomas Sullivan, We Hardly Knew Ye.

One of the down sides of doing the website thing is I'm tied to my PC, and by extension, social media. And lately there's just been so much dumbfuckery that despite my best efforts to brush it off -- I've unfriended people and blocked web sites from showing in my news feed -- it's just been getting to me. No one seems the least bit concerned in the authenticity or truthfulness in what they're spreading around lately. No one wants to put the slightest bit of effort to do a Google search before forwarding on the latest if-it-sounds-too-incredible-to-be-true-it-probably-is story, but perfectly capable of putting in effort to be offended. For weeks after the Charleston shooting, not a single fucking liberal rag could write an article about any topic on Earth, without including the fucking phrase "Confederate flag." As a society we have -- literally -- banned fucking toys and 30 year old television shows because of it. Now go to MSNBC, pull up their article on the Chattanooga attack and search for the words 'Muslim" or "Islam" or "ISIS". You won't find it, other than in the comments section. It's a disgusting double standard that most people would choke on if they weren't so fucking busy hating Republicans just for the sake of hating Republicans. And I say that as a registered Libertarian. So I just have to wash my hands of social media for awhile, before I start coming unglued on people.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Life Expectancy Would Grow By Leaps And Bounds If Green Vegetables Smelled As Good As Bacon.

Depend is a brand of absorbent, disposable adult diapers for people with urinary or fecal incontinence, first introduced in 1984. It is the dominant brand of disposable incontinence garments in the United States, with a 30.8% share of the market. For more than 20 years the principal spokesperson for the product was actress June Allyson, who was inspired to educate the public about incontinence because of her own mother's struggle with the problem. According to Kimberly-Clark, she "did more than any other public figure to encourage and persuade people with incontinence to lead fuller and more active lives." In 2012 the company's advertising took a new approach. Previous ads had featured elderly actors with the implication that incontinence did not prevent them from carrying out active lives. The new approach used younger celebrities who were not incontinent but agreed to model the Depend brief-style products for charity.

Only In America Does The Military Have To Call The Police To Shoot An Attacker.

My hat is off to Florida Governow Rick Scott, for joining the Governors of Arkansas, New Hampshire, Wisconsin, North Carolina, Tennessee, and Connecticut, all of whom have all ordered flags to half mast in their respective states. Hell even John Boehner has gotten in on it and ordered the flag at the Capitol Building. Who hasn't so far? That's right. Fuckface. 2:00PM UPDATE: LEADING FROM BEHIND.

Would You Rather Have Thsi Dentist Drill Your Teeth, Or Watch The Ghostbusters Remake?

The first Rainforest Cafe opened in the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota on February 3, 1994. Since then, each of the 32 worldwide locations is designed to depict some features of a tropical rainforest, including plant growth; mist; waterfalls; and figures of rainforest animals, including elephants, frogs, gorillas, jaguars, tigers, and tropical birds. So I will give you mad props if you can tell me where this gorilla is chilling out at. And yes, I got this one.

Meanwhile, In Some Unnamed Convenience Store in Alabama.

If you take a quick gander at last year's FBI assessment for domestic terrorism, you'll see it includes: anti-government militia groups, white supremacy extremists, sovereign citizen nationalists, anarchists, violent animal rights and environmentalist extremists, black separists, both pro abortion activists and anti abortion activists, and Puerto Rican nationalists. Notice anything missing? Exactly. Now FBI Director James Comey admitted that ISIS a greater threat to the United States than al-Qaeda. Meanwhile, Chattanooga shooter has been labeled a "homegrown violent extremist" despite the fact that he had been following al-Qaeda leader Anwar al-Awlaki and made all those pesky little trips to the Middle East over the past few years.

By The Time You Read This, I'll be Halfway To My Next Case Of Beer.

Solar shade screen mesh materials allow good airflow with inside-to-outside visibility while providing all the essentials for maximum shade and privacy. This seemingly impossible combination of qualities result from advanced technology and exacting manufacturing standards. The closer you are to the screen, the light rays coming through the pores of the screen occupy more of your field of vision. Consequently, the fibers lose priority and you see through the screen mesh as if it were not there. When far away, the opposite occurs and the screen mesh appears as a solid object.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

The Sign So Elegantly Crafted, Makes Me Wonder How Often This Happened?

You can learn a lot about life by observing another species. That's what Humphrey the Hampster was told when he was first brought to Room 26. In addition to having FUN-FUN-FUN in class, each weekend this amazing hamster gets to sleep over with a different student. Soon Humphrey learns to read, write, and even shoot rubber bands. With lots of friends to help, adventures to enjoy, and a cage with a lock-that-doesn't- lock, Humphrey's life is almost perfect. If only the teacher, Mrs. Brisbane, wasn't out to get him! With a fresh voice and an engaging, hamster's-eye view of school, families, and treats to hide in a cheek pouch, Betty G. Birney's book The World According to Humphrey will elicit laughter and a new appreciation for classroom hamsters everywhere.