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Ashes To Ashes, Dust To Dust. If it Weren't For Women, Men's Ding Dongs Would Rust.

Well, Big Red turned 20 years old this past December, and I have to admit the years have taken their toll. Or to be more precise, the initial 10 years up in New England salty roads have taken their toll. It was my winter vehicle while the TT stayed safely tucked inside, safe from the elements. I've already had some frame rot repaired, the lower half of the body has been fiberglassed and has since re-rotted away. The paint is faded and peeling on the roof, and the paint everywhere else has oxidized to a dull maroonish-purple hue. Part of the bed has rusted away to where the only thing solid is the spray in Line-X bedliner. The cruise control and air conditioning no longer work. The drivers side door lock switch only locks, and the passenger side switch only unlocks. The radio overheats and cuts out if you play it too loud, and it also cuts out if you put the left blinker on. Seriously, just the left, the right blinker is fine. The display for the compass/outside thermometer has long since stopped working. The power seat doesn't work. There are rust bubbles in virtually every body panel. The spare wheel hasn't held air in I don't know how long. The radiator has swelled upwards of two inches and looks like it should have started leaking two years ago. The four-wheel-ABS no longer works. The dashboard has cracked into oblivion. The entire underside is one huge sheet of rust, so much so that if I shut the door/hood hard, rust falls onto the driveway. And despite all this, it starts and runs like a fucking bear. I fear one day I will go out into the driveway to find an idling engine, transmission, four tires, and a huge fucking pile of rust.

Recently I've started browsing the regular car sites and seeing if anything jumps out at me. I definitely want to stick with a pickup, to haul around the kayaks and occasional Home Depot run. I briefly considered going to something smaller, like a Ford Ranger, but couldn't bring myself to do it. I love my full size Dodge, and I want to stick with it. Since this wouldn't be a full time vehicle, I certainly don't want to get -- nor do I want to pay for -- anything new like the one of a kind 2015 Dodge Ram Rebel. I've seen a few come across Craigslist on occasion, but so far the one that's got my attention is this 1999 Dodge Ram, located in Georgia. I think it's priced way too high at the moment, Edmunds says the True Market Value is only about 50% of what the dealer is asking, which leads me to believe the real market value is somewhere in the middle. I do have one question though... looking through the pics, what the fuck is this? At first I thought it was a snow plow controller, but Griffin, Georgia sees a whopping 0.7 inches of snow per year, so I'm guessing that's not it. Any idea?

And remember last year when I said to buy the VZ-2008 when you could? Well there are still a handful left at $399 -- BUT they no longer come with a bayonet, only 2 magazines instead of 5, and no magazine pouch. Told ja!

CHALLENGE! At first I was going to see if anyone was able to find this Treasure Island valet sign on Google Streetview, but it turns out, StreetView doesn't go up that close. So we'll move on to a second Las Vegas challenge, tell me where I can rest my tootsies on this very nice ottoman.

The 1989 classic Kickboxer features a scene in which Jean-Claude Van Damme's character Kurt Sloane -- already a little shitfaced at a bar -- is forced to get up and dance and fight off a gang of thugs mid-boogie. The scene has become a cherished part of Van Damme's movie career, and so I was thrilled to see this re-enactment from Monday night.

Whereas a modest helping of candy shouldn't drive up your blood sugar enough to worry about, sugar-sweetened beverages are another matter. The glycemic loads of sodas, sports drinks, and even most fruit juices rank right up there with the starches. So if you're at risk of obesity because of your genes, you may also be more at risk for weight gain from sugary drinks.

Your final mission for today, should you choose to accept it, is to find this Royal Beach hotel.