E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

I've Heard Of Ghetto Blasters, Ghetto Booties, and Ghetto Superstars. But Never Ghetto Cowgirls.

Brewers started to use glass because it kept beer fresher, longer. However, there was one serious issue, if the beer was left in the sun too long, brewers found the beer would smell and taste skunky. Scientists discovered that ultra violet rays from the sun break down the alpha acids in hops which then react with the sulfur present in beer to form a chemical that is almost identical to the chemical that skunks use to spray predators. The solution was to tint the beer bottle to protect it from UV rays, similar to how sunglasses help protect your eyesight; the dark brown beer bottle helps protect the beer from going bad.

Will You Stand In Line To Vote, or Will You Stand In Line To Register Your Guns?

Today is November 4th. Appreciate that General George Washington sailed across a river, slept in the snow, ate gristle and sucked marrow from bones, and shot the British in the fucking face. The least you can do is get off your fat ass, go stand in line for a little while and check a box. GET OUT AND VOTE.

Why Don't You Just Give Me A Little Bit For My Cataracts?

I'll admit I'm a little bummed that Florida Amendment #2 for medical marijuana didn't pass, falling 3% shy of the required 60% threshold. To me the issue wasn't whether you were for or against medical Mary Jane, but about keeping the government out of decisions that should be between you and your doctor. Besides, the war on drugs? Complete and utter fucking failure. So there's always 2016, I suppose.

Tell Me You Didn't Laugh At This At Least A Little Bit.

Tonsillitis is inflammation of the tonsils most commonly caused by viral or bacterial infection. Symptoms may include sore throat and fever. When caused by a bacterium belonging to the group A streptococcus, it is typically referred to as strep throat. The overwhelming majority of people recover completely, with or without medication. In 40% of the cases, symptoms will resolve in three days, and within one week in 85% of people, regardless of whether streptococcal infection is present or not.

Wait, Does The Sticker Mean It's Okay To Look, or No?

A former Baltimore Ravens cheerleader is accused of raping a 15-year-old boy she met on Instagram. Molly Shattuck, 47, who made history as the oldest woman to become an NFL cheerleader, is accused of repeatedly sexually assaulting a 15-year-old boy. The documents also say that on Labor Day Weekend, Shattuck bought beer for herself and the teen, then drove back to a Delaware beach house where they were staying with her children and some of their friends. Once they got back to the beach house, "Shattuck allegedly performed oral sex on the boy, first outside the home while walking the dog and again in her bedroom," the station reports. So at age 15 this kid gets a hummer from a 47 year old former NFL cheerleader? Let me tell you something: this kid's life is fucking absolutely ruined, because for the rest of his life he will experience nothing but disappointment in the bedroom. It's a shame this kid hit his high water mark so early in life, but sometimes that's the way things go. He might as well put Sinead O'Connor's Nothing Compares 2 U on repeat and drink himself to death, because there's no joy left for him in this life.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Happy 239th Birthday To The United States Marines Corps.

The United States Marine Corps traces its institutional roots to the Continental Marines of the American Revolutionary War, formed by Captain Samuel Nicholas by a resolution of the Second Continental Congress on 10 November 1775, to raise 2 battalions of Marines. That date is regarded and celebrated as the date of the Marine Corps' birthday. At the end of the American Revolution, both the Continental Navy and Continental Marines were disbanded in April 1783. The institution itself would not be resurrected until 11 July 1798. At that time, in preparation for the Quasi-War with France, Congress created the United States Marine Corps. Marines had been enlisted by the War Department as early as August 1797 for service in the new-build frigates authorized by the Congressional "Act to provide a Naval Armament" of 18 March 1794, which specified the numbers of Marines to be recruited for each frigate. The action between Hornet and Penguin, the final engagement between British and American forces during the War of 1812, which led to the capture and destruction of the British ship by Marine infantrymen. The Marines' most famous action of this period occurred during the First Barbary War (1801–1805) against the Barbary pirates, when William Eaton and First Lieutenant Presley O'Bannon led eight Marines and 500 mercenaries in an effort to capture Tripoli. Though they only reached Derna, the action at Tripoli has been immortalized in the Marines' hymn and the Mameluke Sword carried by Marine officers.

Happy Veteran's Day And Welcome To Let's bring Em Home 2014!

Today is Veteran's Day; the one day of the year set aside for recognizing the 3% of the population willing to set their own personal needs aside, and take a personal interest in shepherding this great country our forefathers entrusted to us. You are the chosen few who knows firsthand what it's like to feel your heart race as you step aboard a bus destined to take you far from the comforts of your friends and family. To live and die by the mailbox and disposable phone cards, to not see your family for months or sometimes even years. To sit in a steel folding chair and fill out a stapled packet marked "Last Will and Testament" before you're old enough to legally take a drink of alcohol. To understand the importance and reverence of a proper military salute, and feel truly honored to being able to render it. To form bonds with people that will survive through time, distance, and sometimes even death. I collectively tip my hat to all of those honored souls from both today and yesterday, who were brave enough and lucky enough to sign on the dotted line. Happy Veteran's Day.

Nothing Quite Like Advertising The Goods.

"Police sources told FOX4 the responding officers made Luna-Gonzalez take the uniform off after his arrest and was taken to jail wearing only his underwear."

Boy These Upcoming Holidays Sure Are Hitting Me hard.

If you take a look at all the health code violations rung up at the Big Uns sports bar in Key West, it's no wonder they went out of business and were replaced by a Coyote Ugly franchise.

Man I Wish That Guy Had A Color Printer.

Oh, if anyone still gives a shit, here are Kim Kardashain's titties, too. And yes, that giant ass of hers is photoshopped.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Ladies and Gentlemen, LET'S BRING EM HOME 2014 HAS OFFICIALL BEGUN!

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, everyone in my immediate family -- my mother, my father, and both of my brothers -- saw me off to the bus station when I was shipping out to Basic Training. I know, you'd think a tale so fucking awesome as mine, would have me flying off on a Learjet 60, right? No, my Air Force story began with a beat up old Greyhound bus to Buffalo, NY. It faintly stunk of vomit, stale cigarettes, and body odor. The bus, that is, not Buffalo. Although to be honest, I'm pretty sure Buffalo does, too. I remember my father bawling his eyes out -- he has always been much more emotional than my mother -- as my legs warily carried me up the bus stairs and to the side of the bus that faced the passenger terminal, so I could see my family one more time through the waterspot riddled glass. We had the quintessential hand pressed against the glass moment as the bus pulled out of the depot, and just like that, my adolescence gasped one final breath before sliding off into that great unknown. I don't remember much of the hour long bus ride from Rochester to Buffalo, it was rather unremarkable except for the candy and trail mix filled bag my mother packed to sustain me throughout the arduous hour long trip to Buffalo, but I do remember pulling into the small government contracted no-tell-motel near the airport. It didn't exactly look like a pay-by-the-hour place, but the Ritz-Carlton, it was not. There were lots of young kids such as myself, standing around outside of the hotel check in, gym bags at their feet, all doing their best to make small talk without looking too awkward and out of place. The Greyhound hissed to a stop and without much ado, I shuffled my feet across the faded yellow line at the front of the bus, and took up my place at the back of the line heading into the hotel check-in.

Even Captain Mal Can't Make The Idea Of Captain Canada Any Less Ridiculous.

I thought, "Oh, I'm good at Risk so this should be easy." Wrong. Mainland Wars is harder than it looks.

The Best Part About Early Winter Storms, Is Watching Them On Television.

Lake-effect snow is produced during cooler atmospheric conditions when cold winds move across long expanses of warmer lake water, providing energy and picking up water vapor, which freezes and is deposited on the leeward shores. The effect is enhanced when the moving air mass is uplifted by the orographic influence of higher elevations on the downwind shores. This uplifting can produce narrow but very intense bands of precipitation, which deposit at a rate of many inches of snow each hour, often resulting in copious snowfall totals. And having grown up in Rochester, right on the southern border of Lake Ontario and kissing cousin to Buffalo, I don't miss this shit at all.

Oh, Like You Don't Miss The 80's Too.

If you were as throuroughly entertained by Guardians of the Galaxy as I was, you'll be delighted to know -- that today and today only -- you can get the entire soundtrack for free on Google Play. This will of course allow you to challenge your own friends to a Starlord worthy dance off of your own, and if you're lucky, your own Rocket sidekick. I am also excited at the prospect of a Howard the Duck movie, and while I still think Lea Thompson looks terrific for her age, we have to be brutally honest with ourselves and accept she's not going to look the same as she used to.

Let's bring Em Home Has Completed 38 Airline Tickets So Far.

LBEH IS IN FULL SWING BUT WE ARE SERIOUSLY SHY ON DONATIONS THIS YEAR. PLEASE CONSIDER MAKING A DONATION TO HELP OUR MILITARY COME HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS!

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

I Had Lots Of Balls Friday Night, Trust Me.

The Boss Lady is a huge fan of the Hunger Games saga, so of course I was obligated to see Hunger Games Mockingjay part I this weekend. It was, well, meh. The first hour of the movie was a complete snoozefest, leaving my mind to wander out of boredom and look at everything in the fucking theater except the screen. I spent the majority of the two hours thinking one of two things to myself. Either, "Boy, I saw that coming a mile away," or, "I saw yer boobs." Personally I think the series ran its course with one movie and the first sequel looked forced. With that in mind, Philip Seymour Hoffman was his usual awesome self, and I predict his absense will make Part II suck even more. Woody Harrelson was painfully underutilized. Natalie Dormer's acting was cardboard thin and looked like she was readig her lines from a hobo's cardboard sign. Although at least now I know why she shaved half her head. Julianne Moore seemed to be phoning it in as well, and I suspect she was blackmailed into taking the role. All in all, 4 out of 10. it wasn't I-WANT-MY-MONEY-BACK bad, but if you want to see it my advice is wait for it to hit Netflix.