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Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Like A Boss? Like A Boss? I'll Show You Like-A-Fuckin-Boss...

If you see one video this week -- nay, this MONTH -- let it be this one. The title is "Star Spangled Banner Cymbal Fail" so this being the internet, you know either the kid or his cymbals are going to end up on the floor; in this case, it's his cymbals after one of the straps breaks about a minute in. But that's not what makes this video INTERNET PLATINUM, it's his reaction afterwards and how he handles himself. I laughed, I cried, I cheered. And I dunno what life has in store for this little fucker, but I hope it's a career in emergency management, because he sure as hell can think fast on his feet. This kid is the definition of LIKE A BOSS. I sincerely hope he grows up, gets rich and buys this ipad controlled mega-yacht to play with, because as of right now that's the only vehicle on the fucking planet that's awesome enough for him. Like a boss, indeed.

"I Want To Put As Much Fear Into His Heart And Pain Into His Back As I Possibly Could."

From back when football players were men: "When I see guys huddling up after the game, to pray, that's what scares me about the game. I'm a Baptist, but I'm also a quarterback killer, and I ain't praying with you. But I will give you 30 seconds to ask your Lord and master to keep me from killing you." -- Hall of Fame defensive end "Deacon" Jones on what aspect of the modern game most upsets him. David D. Jones was a defensive end in the National Football League for the Los Angeles Rams, San Diego Chargers, and the Washington Redskins. He was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980. Jones specialized in quarterback sacks, a term attributed to him. Nicknamed the "Secretary of Defense", Jones is considered one of the greatest defensive players ever. The Los Angeles Times called Jones "Most Valuable Ram of All Time," and former Rams head coach George Allen called him the "Greatest Defensive End of Modern Football". Jones passed away on June 3, 2013 of natural causes at his Anaheim Hills, California home. He was 74.

Oh We've Got Our Hands Full Today, Brothers And Sisters.

Just to show you that I'm not entirely helpless when it comes to Googling something, using this link I managed to copy and paste together the Russian word ???T?KA, which helped me identify Baltika Breweries -- the largest brewery in Eastern Europe and the second-largest brewery in Europe, after Heineken.

Soldiers, Sailors and Airmen of the Allied Expeditionary Force!

You are about to embark upon the Great Crusade, toward which we have striven these many months. The eyes of the world are upon you. The hopes and prayers of liberty-loving people everywhere march with you. In company with our brave Allies and brothers-in-arms on other Fronts, you will bring about the destruction of the German war machine, the elimination of Nazi tyranny over the oppressed peoples of Europe, and security for ourselves in a free world.

Not Fucking Around, Because The Internet Is Serious Business.

Gel bracelets are an inexpensive type of wristband that come in a variety of colors, and several can be worn on each arm. One style of these wristbands, known as awareness bracelets, carry debossed messages demonstrating the wearer's support of a cause or charitable organization. The silicone wristband first became available in 2004 with the Livestrong yellow band which was set up by American cyclist Lance Armstrong to raise awareness of cancer. The average price of the wristbands can be $1 and usually the majority of the money goes towards the charity involved. They are seen by young people as trendier than traditional charity pins which may explain their increase in popularity.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Fill My Eyes With That Double Vision, No Disguise For That Double Vision.

The laws relating to the flag of the United States of America are found in detail in the United States Code. Title 4, Chapter 1 pertains to the flag; Title 18, Chapter 33, Section 700 regards criminal penalties for flag desecration; Title 36, Chapter 3 pertains to patriotic customs and observances. When displayed either horizontally or vertically against a wall, the union should be uppermost and to the flag's own right, that is, to the observer's left. When displayed in a window, the flag should be displayed in the same way, with the union or blue field to the left of the observer in the street.

Caveat Emptor. Translation: We're Fucked.

Bait-and-switch is a form of fraud used in retail sales but also practiced in other contexts. First, customers are "baited" by merchants' advertising products or services at a low price, but when customers visit the store, they discover that the advertised goods are not available, or the customers are pressured by sales people to consider similar, but higher priced items ("switching"). In the United States, courts have held that the purveyor using a bait-and-switch operation may be subject to a lawsuit by customers for false advertising, and can be sued for trademark infringement by competing manufacturers, retailers, and others who profit from the sale of the product used as bait.

How I Spent The Evening Of April 3, 2002.

"My mafia contact put a contract out on this Chinese guy named "Chunky" Lee Chong, because he was selling smack to my man's working girls and getting them all fucked up. Now a few previous attempts have been made on Chong's life, but his goon bodyguards from the Triads kept laying down the heat and buying Chong time to escape. So I decided to take a different approach. Two blocks out from Chong's noodle stand, I carjacked a delivery truck and parked it with the engine running just outside the concrete barriers that protect the strip mall where Chong was holed up. As I approached, those Triad thugs opened fire on me and Chong high tailed it to his panel van and started hauling ass down Tremont Street. I found some cover from the Triad's gunfire and made it back to the delivery truck I had jacked earlier. The race was on."

Yeah That's How I Feel When I Think About My Plane Crashing.

Have you ever been on a plane that's about to land .... 3,000 feet.... 2,000 feet... 1,000 feet... 500 feet... 200 feet... and then suddenly the engines roar to life and the pilot goes around for another attempt? What the fuck happened, right? It may be a shitty approach, poor instruction from the tower, or the runway has fucking disappeared. Wait, what? Check out the "Boeing Jet Tries To Land in Heavy Rain, Runway Disappears" video and see if you don't shit yourself at the moment of truth.

Happy Birthday To The United States Army. You Look Good For 238. Also, It's Flag Day.

The Continental Army was created on 14 June 1775 by the Continental Congress as a unified army for the colonies to fight Great Britain, with George Washington appointed as its commander. The army was initially led by men who had served in the British Army or colonial militias and who brought much of British military heritage with them. As the Revolutionary War progressed, French aid, resources, and military thinking influenced the new army. A number of European soldiers came on their own to help, such as Friedrich Wilhelm von Steuben, who taught the army Prussian tactics and organizational skills. The army fought numerous pitched battles and in the South 1780-81 sometimes used the Fabian strategy and hit-and-run tactics, hitting where the enemy was weakest, to wear down the British forces. Washington led victories against the British at Trenton and Princeton, but lost a series of battles around New York City in 1776 and Philadelphia in 1777. With a decisive victory at Yorktown, the Continental Army prevailed against the British. After the war, though, the Continental Army was quickly given land certificates and disbanded in a reflection of the republican distrust of standing armies. State militias became the new nation's sole ground army, with the exception of a regiment to guard the Western Frontier and one battery of artillery guarding West Point's arsenal. However, because of continuing conflict with Native Americans, it was soon realized that it was necessary to field a trained standing army.

Insert Your Favorite Father's Day Weekend Joke Here.

Meanwhile, In The Toronto Mayor's Office...

Regulactive 3 is a fruity herbal mixture with a pleasant taste and flavored with hibiscus, apple, fennel, darts, korander, mint, elderflower, flavor, inulin, green tea, orange peel, strawberry. Effectively supports the process of weight loss and helps maintain a perfect figure without the use of slimming treatments.

Every Time You Use An Instagram Filter, God Buttfucks A Puppy.

I fucking hate Instagram. Everything about it. The way it works, the way it doesn't work, but most of all those fucking filters. Christ, how I hate those fucking filters. You want a great way to ruin a perfectly good photo? Use a fucking Instagram filter, that's how. Seriously. You're not being arrtsy, you're not being clever, you're not being cute. You're being a fucking idiot. Great body, great pose, great tits? I dunno, I can't tell because you used a fucking Instagram filter. And I don't mean simple times when you leave the flash off and your photo takes on a slightly different hue than what you intended... that's not Instagram, that's simply leaving the flash off and it can happen no matter what you're taking a photo of. I've always said that Instagram is the easiest way to make your cutting edge 12 megapixel camera with ambient light detection and auto-focus sapphire glass lens, take photos comparable to busted ass 1995 era Logitech webcam on AOL. Now with added bonus: they're going to start ruining videos, too.

Dammit! I Will Not Have My Motives Called Into Question.

So last night I was cruising around Netflix's instant queue and stumbled across a movie I hadn't seen in awhile... Meet The Parents. This of course made me dwell on his wife-to-be, played by Teri Polo, whom you may or may not know, cut her teeth on Sports Night (and posed for Playboy). My favorite episode of Sports Night is "Heroes of the Game" which centered around Dan wanting to see the comeback game for Orlando Rojas, who as it would turn out had one of the best pitched games on MLB history, second only perhaps to Dan himself who at the end of his own season, scores his own home run in the name of Orlando Rojas!

It's Not That I Don't Try. Dickheads Just Don't Write In Anymore.

Sharpie is an American manufacturer of writing instruments (mainly permanent marker pens) whose products are sold in over 20 countries. The Sharpie brand has been widely expanded and can now be found on a variety of previously unrelated permanent and non-permanent pens and markers formerly marketed under other brands. Though Sharpie ink will become permanent after setting, it can be erased. Three or four strokes of a dry erase marker will remove Sharpie ink. WD-40 will work moderately well on recent markings if dry-erase markers is not available.

Aww, C'mon. Misdemeanor. Civil Disobedience. Public Service. Who Can Tell The Difference?

Seven years ago when Kevin Smith blogged about Jason Mewes' drug addiction, I was pretty sure that mewes was all but done for. I mean sure he may get a few random Jackass'esque gigs here and there, but for the most part I was sure he had already hit his zenith and was working his way down. Not so, it seems. Jason Mewes has been very busy lately. Thanks to Netflix and their new way of doing shit, Mewes is starring in an online TV project called “Vigilante Diaries,” a high energy, fast-paced ride into the dark world of vigilante justice with plenty of guns and blood. The show also stars the lovely Jessica Uberuaga who you can see in that slideshow.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.