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In Related News, I Am Near Death With The Flu.

I have not been comfortable for the past four days. In fact, there is no such concept as comfortable anymore, just varying degrees of less uncomfortable. My throat is raw from coughing and feels like I spent the weekend deepthroating a sandpaper covered cock. My stomach feels as if I've done five million situps. My quivering asshole is tender from being repeatedly wiped and recoils at the slightest touch. Every muscle aches. Oh, and I shit myself again, only this time was totally legit because of the flu and coughing.

But rehashing what I wrote on Friday because of something that happened over the weekend: first Mr Gabby Giffords tells us all about how "assault weapons" are the bane of human existance. Then he goes out and BUYS ONE for himself, and only after getting fucking busted when someone posts a photo of him filling out the ATF form 4473 for a FUCKING BACKGROUND CHECK, does the asshole try to cover his tracks and say, "I don't have possession yet but I'll be turning it over to the Tucson PD when I do." The added fucking Bonus? The asshole attends a gun control rally the very next fucking day. FUCK YOU, MARK KELLY, YOU HYPOCRITICAL PIECE OF SHIT.

If you're not going to the beach this summer -- either with beads or without -- you may as well not be on vacation at all. And when it comes to beach destinations, any one of these beaches would satisfy the most hardened beach bum. So relax and enjoy these 50 trendiest beaches – as much as you can enjoy them through your computer screen anyway.

Okay, I'm going off to die now.