E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

"I Hope You Are All Republicans." ... "Today, Mr. President, We Are All Republicans."

The Reagan assassination attempt occurred on Monday, March 30, 1981, just 69 days into the presidency of Ronald Reagan. While leaving a speaking engagement at the Washington Hilton Hotel in Washington, D.C., President Reagan and three others were shot and wounded by John Hinckley, Jr. Reagan suffered a punctured lung and heavy internal bleeding, but prompt medical attention allowed him to recover quickly. No formal invocation of presidential succession took place, although Secretary of State Alexander Haig controversially stated that he was "in control here" while Vice President George H. W. Bush returned to Washington. Ultimately nobody was killed in the attack, though Press Secretary James Brady was left paralyzed and permanently disabled. Hinckley was found not guilty by reason of insanity and remains confined to a psychiatric facility.

What A Fantastic TRILOGY.

Over in Fort Myers is a movie theater called the Regal Gulf Coast Stadium 16 and every once in awhile when there's a lull in new releases, they'll put up an old classic film for a day. Such was the case last month when purely by accident, I happened to check what they were showing that day and HOWLEEE-SHEYAT, it's Raiders of the Lost Ark. Like the original movie. Up on the big screen. I can honestly say that I don't know if I ever saw it in the theaters when it first came out; if I did I was too young to remember it. Needless to say I fucking jumped at it and giggled like a school girl throughout the entire movie. The only scene I didn't get a snapshot of was Indy vs the Swordsman, and yes I know all about Harrison Ford's diarrhea. Here's some more behind the scenes trivia: stuntman Pat Roach was the only actor (besides Harrison Ford, duh) to be in all three of the Indiana Jones movies. Yes, I said THREE movies, not FOUR because as far as I'm concerned there are only three. Anyway, besides his turn as the ill-fated German mechanic who gets chewed up by the airplane propeller, Roach also played an mine guard who gets crushed on a conveyer belt in Temple of Doom, and a Gestapo guard in The Last Crusade. Plus this short documentary discusses the history and analyzes the differences between Indiana Jones's fedoras in the original trilogy. But here's the real fucking corker, at least to me anyway. Ethiopian Orthodox Christians believe that a small church in their country contains a very special relic. For in this shrine, it is said, is the artifact that fascinated Indiana Jones and spelled doom for a host of evil Nazis in Spielberg's much loved ‘80s classic Raiders of the Lost Ark. Yes, this little house in Aksum, Ethiopia, is many believe, the home of the one true and original Ark of the Covenant. Anyway, I'm hoping the theater gets their hands on Temple of Doom and Last Crusade and then the magic of the Indiana Jones universe will be complete!

BlackBerry is a brand of wireless handheld devices and services developed by Research In Motion (RIM).

To Me, Tuggie Means Something Else Entirely. Well Okay, I Guess Not Entirely.

Just a friendly reminder: tonight is the first of several debates between President Obama and Republican nominee Mitt Romney. My personal choice -- Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson -- was prevented from participating in the dabtes, so I say fuck everybody and their status quo. The only reason I'll be watching is to play the the Official 2012 Presidential Debate Drinking Game. Tuggies all the way around!

Romney 1, Obama 0. Huh. Didn't See That One Coming.

Okay fuckers. Hue Brix tests your visual, spatial and logical senses. Solve levels by dragging paths from blocks to fill out the puzzle grid. However, they only give you paths of a specified length. Special blocks determine the orientation of paths, acting as clues and challenges at the same time. If you have bitten off more than you can chew, then their intelligent Hint System will give you a hint closest to your solution.

It's Not About Should We Fund It, It's About Having The Least Amount of Impact.

Old and busted: Gangham Style. Hey say what you want, everybody likes it. Anyway. The new hotness: Romney Style cuz he's so fucking awesome. Assuming you know, this kid doesn't come down on him like a ton of bricks. But seriously, let's talk PBS for a minute and why I think cutting the $445 million dollars of government funding would be a complete waste of fucking time. And the following numbers are for the 2011 federal budget as enacted by Congress; the as requested numbers were even worse.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Sure, Everybody Loves You When You're Out In Front.

Out and about for breakfast this weekend and what to my wondering eyes should appear? A 1971 Dodge Challenger R/T in B5 Blue, with 426 tiny reindeer. The guy even had an era authentic bumper sticker; I assumed Agnew was Nixon's VP, but didn't actually know who he was.

I Would Totally Dress Up Like That For Halloween. You Know, If I Had Hair.

A boot scraper is a horizontal metal plate set in a small frame, once located near the front steps of most buildings; used to scrape dirt or mud from the bottoms of shoes or boots before entering the building; common before the advent of paved streets. They are still common on golf courses where is consider proper etiquette to scrape off the grass clippings that collect on the bottom of spiked golf shoes before wearing them into the clubhouse.

Candygram For Mongo. I said, Candygram For Mongo. -Mongo. Mongo?

Alexander Karras, nicknamed "The Mad Duck", was an American football player, professional wrestler, and actor. He played football with the Detroit Lions in the National Football League from 1958–1962 and 1964–1970. As an actor, Karras is noted for his role as the thuggish Mongo in the 1974 comedy film Blazing Saddles, and for starring in the ABC sitcom Webster alongside his wife Susan Clark, as the title character's adoptive father. In his later years, Karras suffered several serious health problems, including dementia. heart disease, and cancer. On October 8, 2012, it was revealed by friend and auto dealership owner Tom McInerney that Karras had suffered from kidney failure; doctors gave him a few days to live. Karras was treated at the Saint John's Health Center in Santa Monica, California, before being released into hospice care. After returning to his Los Angeles home with family, Karras died in the morning hours of October 10 from complications caused by kidney failure. So long Mongo, we hardly knew ye. And the scene in which Mongo knocks out a horse has a basis in reality: Mel Brooks' former boss, Sid Caesar, who was a physically imposing and somewhat violent man, reported in his 1982 autobiography "Where Have I Been?" that while trail riding with his wife, her horse caused trouble and he punched it once between the eyes. The horse collapsed, unconscious. He notes that this event was Brooks' inspiration for the Mongo-vs.-horse scene. By the way: funniest scenes from that movie? First this quicksand scene and then this line from Taggart, "Aw, that uppity nigger went and hit me on the head with a shovel." Blazing Saddles was the first movie I ever watched that willingly brought a character's color into the story.

If Any Of You Sons Of Bitches Calls Me Grandpa, I'll Kill You..

Basil L. Plumley was a United States Army commander, most famous for his actions as a Sergeant-Major of the US Army's 1st Battalion, 7th Cavalry Regiment, at the Battle of Ia Drang (Vietnam, 1965). General Hal Moore praised Plumley as an outstanding NCO and leader in the book We Were Soldiers Once...And Young. The Sergeant Major was known affectionately by his soldiers as "Old Iron Jaw". He was portrayed by Sam Elliott in the film, We Were Soldiers. Basil Plumley died of cancer after 9 days in Columbus Hospice, on October 10, 2012. He is survived by his daughter, Debbie Kimble, a granddaughter, and 2 great-grandchildren. So long, Old Iron Jaw, we hardly knew ye.

Good Christ, They've Got me Coming And Going.

VP debates. Meh. I've got too much other shit on my mind. Man I forgot how much paperwork is involved with refinancing a mortgage. Talk about a raging pain in the ass. I'm pretty sure I'm going to miss my self-imposed dealine of Halloween night. I hope I at least get some free bracelets out of this deal.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Everything Must Come To An End. Even The Really, Really Big Stuff.

I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.

You Must Take Your Place In The Circle Of Life.

The bowline is among the most commonly used knots on a sailboat. With it, you can tie a rope in a loop around anything else to anchor the line. The bowline is not only strong and secure but is easy to break loose later, even when pulled tight under a load. Once you learn how to tie a bowline and get some practice, you'll never forget it, trust me.

Missing Phone + Dead Battery = A Big Mystery and A Short Temper.

So what's up with the white stripe painted on this rock?

The Mythbusters Format Sure has Changed Since I Stopped Watching.

I would have to imagine that by now, all of you have seen the first two seasons of The Walking Dead in their entirety since (a) we're on season three and (b) it's available on Netflix among other places. The fan response to season two was generally less than enthusiastic and the producers seem to have taken notice since there more zombie deaths in the S1E1 than there were in the entire second season put together. Now there are some folks out there who took issue with the premire's unrealistic gunplay, but me, not so much. Although I do have to say that by now I would have imagined the group would have amassed a better collection of melee weapons by now, instead of relying on a few random hand tools that came from the farmhouse. But in the end, I'm just glad that Carl isn't a pain in the balls anymore and can actually be included in some drinking games instead of making me cringe ever time the little fucker comes across a zombie decaying American. But now the group seems to have found a safe place they'll be able to hole up for awhile. But I won't.... each year Universal Studios has a different theme for their Halloween Horror Nights and guess what this year's theme is? That's right. The Walkind Dead, motherfuckers!

Wow. A Hemi. Balls to the Wall.

If you're down in my neck of the woods and have had the opportunity to use the men's facilities at the Bass Pro Shops in Ft Myers -- and no, I'm not soliciting former Senator Craig -- but over each urinal that have a series of old black-and-white photos of local fishing from the turn of the century. One of those photos is a heavy set dude standing on the bow of a boat. He's looking over his left shoulder at the photographer (and by proxy, at you) as he's pissing off the front of the boat. It's obviously not a photo they could put anywhere else in the store, but in the mens room, it fits perfectly. I would put the guy the photo in his 50's or so, and the photo from maybe the early 1920's so he's long dead by now. But I bet when the guy turned around and grinned for what I presume was a prank photo, he never imagined he's be immortalized in such a fashion. Here we are now, separated by some seven or eight decades, staring into each otheres eyes and sharing a piss. Kind of creepy actually. I had hoped that photo would be among this collection of early 20th-Century fishing photographs from Florida, but no luck. So I'll try to make atrip to Bass Pro this weekend.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Is Maggie Greene Gonna Have To Stab A Bitch?

This past weekend was Zombicon in downtown Ft Myers, and you know I had to check that shit out. Each year they do somewhat of a theme -- last year's was pirate zombies -- and this year they added an extraterrestrial twist and encouraged space zombies. So you know, lots of dead atsronauts and such. Me and The Boss Lady settled down to grab a few drinks and I saw this newspaper which (a) made me laugh since it was very Day of the Dead'esque and also because on the right side I found this little gem. The cast of the Walking Dead, wow! Maybe this little Ft Myers soiree is getting bigger than I had first given it credit for. Then I read closer... Madison Lintz? Savana Wehunt? Who the fuck are they? So I did some searching on phone and chuckled. Madison Lintz is Sophia Peletier, the little girl who ended up being a zombie in season two, and Savana Wehunt is in addition to being a regular walker, is also a stand in for Chandler Riggs (now Cool Carl) and Madison Lintz. But I would have liked to have met Joe Pilato, who in my book, still goes down as one of the best villains ever, even if he does get his clock cleaned by Bub. And just for kicks, here is the iconic Edison Theater in 1985 and 2007 and again this past weekend.