E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

Insert Your Favorite INTERNATIONAL BACON DAY Joke Here.

Insert Your Favorite Labor Day Joke Here.

Nope. Even With Those Sunglasses I Recognize You As A Raging Asshole.

Don't think of today's post as me ruining The Expendables 2 for you, think of it as me saving you from wasting two hours of your life.

Awww, She Looks Like An Angel When She Sleeps.

Chlorine is an element discovered in 1774. On its own, it forms a greenish-yellow gas. But, this gas can be dissolved into water and is often used to keep water clean. It is also used to make paper products, textiles, medicines, food, solvents, paints and plastics. Chlorine is particularly useful for keeping swimming pools clean; because bacteria thrives in water, pools need chemicals in order to prevent them from becoming breeding grounds for diseases. When put in a swimming pool, chlorine breaks into two parts called hypochlorite ion and hypochlorous acid. The parts then kill the harmful microorganisms in the water. You can prevent yellowing in your suit by making sure your pool has the proper chemical balance. Allow enough chlorine to kill bacteria, but not enough that it will irritate your skin or harm fabric material. You can also prevent yellowing by being sure to not leave your suit in the sun and rinsing it out as soon as you are finished wearing it.

Today We're Gonna Do A Little Old Busted Versus New Hotness.

No, what you remember is that you used to drive that old busted jawn. See, I drive the new hotness.

I Suppose That Beats The Old Hand Grenade Take-A-Number Gag.

Sssshhh, don't tell anyone but Irina Shayk has a secret to share, so please and be rude.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Who Would Have Thought, Undone By Digitus Primus. And Parental Stupidity.

A 2-year-old boy is dead after officials said he accidentally shot himself in the head with a gun Monday night in Hampton

Things to know for today: (1) Conan Christopher O'Brien is an American television host, comedian, writer, producer and performer. Since November 2010 he has hosted Conan, a late-night talk show that airs on the American cable television station TBS. (2) rousers are an item of clothing worn from the waist to the ankles, covering both legs separately, rather than with cloth stretching across both as in skirts and dresses. (3) A bruise, also called a contusion, is a type of relatively minor hematoma of tissue

Time Flies Whan You're Having Fun, Eh?

As a kid -- somewhere around the age of seven or eight I think -- the Stewart clan made a trip to New York City. I really don't remember much of it. Well, two things actually. One was a black guy walking down the sidewalk with no shirt on, but had fashioned two half-orange peels into bikini cups. Dunno why I remember that. But the second was a trip to the Twin Towers. We didn't go into them or even to their observation decks, it was just a trip to them. I remember the sense of awe when you encounter something really enormous in life. I walked up to the nearer of the two towers and reached my hand out to it. I didn't expect to touch it, but rather to get shoo'ed away by a security guard or yanked back my my mom, or shit even to get zapped by some electronic security device. I mean there was no way they would let a common boy such as me touch something so fucking awesome right? The steel was cold on my fingertips and much to my amazement, felt like any other piece of metal I had ever held. I glanced upwards a little bit and saw the metal pattern continued up, and, up, and up, and up. It never changed. What it looked and felt like right down here at elementary school student level must be exactly what it looked and felt like way up at the top. I pushed my head up against the side and closed one eye, as if I were aiming a BB gun. The flat plane of that tower extended as far as my eye could see and it actually quite disorienting. I pulled my head back with a startled, 'huh'. And that was it. That was the only interaction I had with the twin towers in my whole life. It makes me sad to think I'll never have the chance to do that again.

Well, That Escalated Quickly.

Just in case you're curious, this is the Muhammad video in question and once the rioting started, this is how we should have responded to the rioters. In the meantime, suffocated, not suffocated, dragged, not dragged... let's just get their bodies back to American soil before we start saying what did and didn't happen. Then bomb the motherfuckers.

It's The Same Old Story, Same Old Song And Dance, My Friend.

Behold, the power of the word AGAIN:

Meanwhile, This Makes Me Very Uncomfortable.

So this guy took an old Mosin crate and built a really fucking bitching coffee table. I know, who would have expected a coffe table to be cool, right? So I checked around Armslist for a crate of my own, and the only one I could find was in Greenville, South Carolina. I really would like to try and do this, anyone have a suggestion on where to pick up a crate?

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

It Has Been A Century And Half Since America's Bloodiest Day.

The Battle of Antietam was fought on 150 years ago today, September 17, 1862, near Sharpsburg, Maryland, and Antietam Creek, and was the first major battle in the American Civil War to take place on Union soil. The battle was over by 5:30 p.m. Losses for the day were heavy on both sides. The Union had 12,401 casualties with 2,108 dead. Confederate casualties were 10,318 with 1,546 dead. This represented 25% of the Federal force and 31% of the Confederate. More Americans died on September 17, 1862, than on any other day in our nation's military history. Several generals died as a result of the battle, including Maj. Gens. Joseph K. Mansfield and Israel B. Richardson and Brig. Gen. Isaac P. Rodman on the Union side (all mortally wounded), and Brig. Gens. Lawrence O. Branch and William E. Starke on the Confederate side (killed). Brigadier General George B. Anderson got shot in the ankle during the defense of the Bloody Lane. He survived the battle wounded but later on in October he died after the inevitable amputation.

How far We've Come in 100 Years. Or Have We?

Egbert "Bert" Williams was one of the preeminent entertainers of the Vaudeville era and one of the most popular comedians for all audiences of his time. He was by far the best-selling black recording artist before 1920. Williams was a key figure in the development of African-American entertainment. In an age when racial inequality and stereotyping were commonplace, he became the first black American to take a lead role on the Broadway stage, and did much to push back racial barriers during his career. Fellow vaudevillian W.C. Fields, who appeared in productions with Williams, described him as "the funniest man I ever saw – and the saddest man I ever knew." Anyway, with that in mind, here's a century old recording from a large collection of pre WWI music. I'm not sure about the year. A 78 RPM single that sold on Ebay in 2005 listed 1909 as its most recent year, but another referenced 1916 as the most recent recording, as indicated by the reference to Woodrow Wilson along with George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. Not easy to make out the lyrics on this one.

Which Pirate Ship is Mine? It's The SS Bad Motherfucker.

So yes, today is Talk Like A Pirate Day. Which I found pretty amusing back in 1995 when the movement first started, but now? Eh. I've seen a guy break a glass jar inside his ass, so that sets the internet entertainment bar pretty high.

Gimme Some Sugar, Comrade.

While I was at the gun show this weekend, I almost pulled the trigger (hee hee!) on an old 1951 era Russian SKS. I have a Chinese knockoff made by Norinco back in the early 1990's which I take to the range, I wanted a genuine Russian rifle that I can tuck away in the back of my safe for a rainy day. The one I found was a little beat up, as one might expect for a 61 year old rifle, and from the nicks in the stock and wear marks on the breach, it had no doubt seem its fair share of sending rounds down range. This of courses raised the question of whether or not corrosive ammo was fired (most likely yes) and whether or not it was cleaned properly afterwards (most likely no). The guy was asking $450 and I probably could have gotten it for a little less than that, out the door around $425'ish or so, and I hemmed and hawed but ultimately kept my money in my pocket. Turns out I'm glad I did because as of 6pm last evening, here's my latest acquisition in the firearms department: an absolutely pristine, unfired Tula made Russian SKS from 1954. Original box, original paperwprk, original accessories. It's all numbers matching except for the buttplate -- I presume those were matched like the Mosins were, yes? -- and aside from being taken out for some photos, has never seen the light of day. I picked it up from some dude in Bradenton for $475 cash, well worth the extra $50 or so. And just how did I find this diamond int he rough? Like I told you, search Armslist, you hard headed son of a bitch! In related news, I need to pick up some muratic acid to get those rust stains off my deck.

I Bet Joy And Herb Get Pulled Over By K-9 Units A Lot.

Momentum Media's mission is to provide those who work with high school and college athletes with the tools and insight to best perform their jobs. They currently publish three separate magazines with this aim in mind: Athletic Management, Training and Conditioning, and Coaching Management. The latter of which is published in five different sport specific editions. Editorial discusses new trends in the sport, coaching strategies, and working with players and assistant coaches. The sports they cover are football, baseball, basketball, volleyball, softball, and track and field.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.