E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

GO HOME BALL  -   articles - search - features - pictures - videos - tasteless - tits  -   WEBCAMS

I'm Ready, Man, Check It Out. I Am The Ultimate Badass! State Of The Badass Art!

When I was a kid, other kids didn't ride their pussy ass big wheels down my street. You wanna know why? Because I had a fuckin Green Machine, that's why. Any time some other kid came down MY street in one of these pussy ass things, I'd get on my Green machine and chase em down, then do a quick 360 spinout right in front of them all while staring them down with my cold 8 year old eyes. My message was clear: this is my street, motherfuckers. And you don't get to ride your fairy little yellow, red and blue big wheel down My street. There's only one color allowed here: GREEN. Green like cash money, green like The Incredible Hulk, and green like the clovers in me Lucky Charms. I remember one time I saw some kids headed down my street and I raced to my garage to get the Machine and the damned thing was locked -- and my mom had the goddamn keys with her! That means I had to sit there and take it. Sit there and take the disrespect. I was so angry, I cried. Fuck you guys, come down my street. Well, I'm a little older now. The garage is mine, so I don't have to depend upon anyone else for the keys. So all you guys out there just better back the fuck up off me. Ya dig?

One actress I've always been a little unhealthily obsessed with is Brittany Daniel. I think I've mentioned this before. She's one of the very few chicks who looks just as hot with short hair as she does with long hair. I can sit here and watch this scene from Joe Dirt over and over and over and over. It's almost worth me chaning my name to Joe. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew she had a twin sister, but never really gave it much thought. But after some whimsical googling, I learned a few things. First off, Brittany and her sister Cynthia were the Doublemint Twins. You remember them right? "Double your pleasure, double your fun." Yep, that's them. Secondly, Cynthia who hasn't done any acting since That 80's Show in 2002 -- is married to Cole Hauser. He's one of those guys you see in a movie and go, "Oh yeah, that's... that's, that's... you know, that's that guy." Anyway, Brittany went on to gear down in The Hillside Strangler Murders, and then rocked the red carpet in a see thru dress for last year's Skyline.

Having been in a similar situation before -- and having chosen poorly -- let me give you a little advice. We're all big boys and girls. We all make our own choices; we reap the rewards of good choices and pay the price of poor choices. Should this come to light, it shoudln't be by your hand. As deliciously satisfying as it might be, trust me it'll backfire on you and you'll end up being the one ostracized. You tell Boy that Girl is cheating. Boy gets pissed at Girl. Boy confronts girl. Girl follows the three rules of cheating: Deny, Deny, Deny. After all, you're only making this shit up to break them up and get with her. Eventually, Boy believes Girl. Maybe he doesn't really believe her, but he wants to believe her, and that's good enough. Boy and Girl get back together. Only now Boy is mad at you for making up lies, Girl is mad at you for ratting her out, and all your mutual friends are mad at you for meddling in someone else's relationship. It's a no win situation. Best to mind your own fucking business, especially with a kid involved. Presuming of course this girl isn't in a sorority and just recently lost a bet. Quick, does anyone have a coat, hat and monocle I can borrow?

Remember Duke Nuke'em Forever, the unshippable game that's finally going to ship? Yeah it's delayed again. But only a month this time so I better not hear any of you whine. But while you're waiting to warm up your Mighty Boot and Devastator, consider this: In late September 2008, while embedded with US Marines and Afghan Paramilitary Units, Keith Lepor was shot by a sniper. This is the helmet camera footage showing the attack, and the marine that saved his life that day.

Remember the video of the guy who upgraded through all the different versions of Windows? Well in commemoration of Microsoft releasing Internet Explorer 9 last week, he's made another. Again, I recommend you get Firefox. I'm not 100% convinced on Firefox 4 yet, but it's still a safer browser than Internet Exploder.

britain is the most violent country in europe - bmw vs peugeot. who wins? hint: france surrenders

ron jeremy in 'scream xxx: a porn parody' - biggest box office bombs in hollywood history, now here's #10