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Ernie's House of Whoopass! March 22, 2011

March 22, 2011

Up, Up, And Away.

Every once in awhile, someone sends in something that reminds me of a time when the jokelist was more active. I'm referring to the Tasteless Tuesdays, but more specifically the story of Super Tim. With that tale in mind, you should familiarize yourself with the what a Pattaya Bar Girl is, and why you should be really, really careful around them. No dude, I'm talking REALLY careful. Because should you miss a few of the tell-tale signs for spotting one of these "lady boys"? Getting blown by a he/she is the least of your worries -- odds are you're going to wind up getting your ass kicked by him/her and two of his/her friends. So seriously, bone up on your ladyboy skillz. And it's not isolated to Thailand either, but the all of southeastern Asia.

And excuse me, but we shouldn't even be having this conversation. No, not because you shouldn't be fucking around with ladyboys to begin with. But because I was promised -- and from multiple sources, mind you -- that the world was going to end yesterday. Stupid religious radio stations, fuck em all.

Now I don't want you to think that I'm intentionally fucking with you but remember yesterday how I posted the mother of the bully said her son got what he deserved? And we were all like, "Yeah, parental responsibility isn't dead after all?" Well, she's doing a u-turn. Of course. Now she's claiming that her son is the real victim in this case and she's demanding an apology from the fat kid that he son was picking on. And yeah, her son sounds like a real cuntface.

It was sometime least week when one of the douchebag NFL players drew a comparison between playing in the NFL and modern slavery. Keep in mind the leage minimum for rookies is $325,000 per year, up from $285,000 in 2007. Yes, that's a $40,000 raise in four years. Keep that in mind the next time you putting hot dogs in your grocery cart for Sunday's game, because ground beef is too expensive. But they're not happy with that, and so the strike begins. I say no football, no problem. Here are twenty jobs for players to do during the lockout. Well, tenty-one if you include sucking my balls.

Hi Ernie, Thought you'd like to see a movie about your old stahmping grounds: Boston Movie! Cheers, Charley

Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school. "What's your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammed," he replied. "You're in America now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin." Mohammed returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammed?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammed. I'm in America and now my name is Kevin." "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again. The next day Mohammed returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin? she asked. "Well ma'am, shortly after becoming an American, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs." - Rocky

Matthew Broderick has killed. No kidding. The guy was in Ireland with his then-GF Jennifer Grey when he was driving on the wrong side of the road. He ran head on into another car, killing it's occupants which were a mother and 30 year old daughter who had her whole life ahead of her. He spent four weeks in the hospital, then pled guilty to a charge of "careless driving", paid $175 and split from the country faster than it takes Pam Anderson to get her weekly tit job. The family, what was left of it, called this a "travesty of justice", and it is. Broderick is a remorseless, scum-sucking shithead cock-smoking manslaughterer who ruined the lives of a lot of people and used his fame to escape any responsibility for what he d and never owned up to it, traipsing instead into a film career and a life of public adulation which has made him obscenely rich. . Why would you wish him a happy birthday? There are a couple of people out there who because of him will never be celebrating their birthdays again since that day. Jeff

Uhhh, escuse me, but did either of those two people in Ireland ever steal a 1961 Ferrari GT250 or sing in the Von Steuben Day Parade? Uh, that'd be a no. Did either of them ever save us from World War III by playing MOTHERFUCKING TIC-TAC-TOE against a computer? Again, noooooooooo. Did either of them ever break an evil curse, help defeat an evil bishop and reunite Captain Navarre and Isabeau? Another big fat NO. So lay off Ferris. Besides, the guy's life is tough enough as it is, without you trying to add insult to injury. besides, maybe they'd be alive today if they were driving an American made car or even better wearing helmets.

Have you ever been in a situation where you've been told you smell great by a woman, even though you weren't wearing any cologne? Your body was likely giving off pheromones – odorless chemicals the body produces that influence sexual behavior. Exciting stuff to say the least. But unfortunately, research has shown that more than 95% of guys don't produce enough of these pheromones on a regular basis naturally to trigger any sexual response in the opposite sex.

A parting thought for the ladies today. The Hello Kitty phone craze? I like it. The big round sunglasses? I do not.

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