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Most of The Time - And This Includes Naps - I'm An F-18, Bro.

Charlie Sheen. I fucking love this guy. And you want to know why? Because after every other actor out there goes batshit crazy, they immediately spirit themselves off to some bullshit rebah center, only to emerge a few weeks later and make a beeline to Oprah just as fast as they fucking can to explain to everyone, "Oh that wasn't the real me." But Charlie Sheen? He says fuck that. "I'm (reasonably) clean and (reasonably) sober and I still say fuck you." You gotta admire the pair of balls on this guy, right? In fact, just when you think that nothing crazier can come out of his mouth? He goes and tops himself. So you never know what's going to come out of this guy's mouth. He's like watching a young Howard Stern with a bad haircut and a coke habit. Do you have any fucking idea how many F-18 drivers are running around the tarmac and high fiving each other while chanting, "I'm an F-18, bro, and I will destroy you in the air and I will deploy my ordinance to the ground!" I'll tell you: all of them. Because they all want to be Charlie Fucking Sheen, just like I do. I'm not kidding when I tell you that I set up Google Alerts to send "Charlie Sheen" updates to my cellphone. I want to know what's going on in this guy's life, as it happens. That's the cloest thing I can get to being Charlie Sheen without spitting my own teeth out.



Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.



Anonymous is Awesome.

Everybody who has a functioning website, raise your hand. NOT SO FAST, WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH. Yep, you guys taunted Anonymous. You guys were warned by Anonymous. And now you're paying the Anonymous price. Here, you can watch their sites get taken down live while Crazy Shirley is giving a radio interview. That was two days ago, and they're still down as of this morning. Google had a cashed copy of ther hacked site which I just find deliciously entertaining. Heh.



Somehow I'm Reminded Of A Package Of Hamburger Buns.

A ragged, gaunt, toothless, unshaven, sickly, used up Charlie Sheen continues to be my fucking hero. I'm not too sure about renting an entire yacht just to watch Jaws though. I mean what danger does an ordinary shark pose to a 100' yacht? None, that's what. So Charlie should have turned it up a notch and went with Super Shark instead. What makes it so awesome? The fact that the shark is bulletproof and walks on its fins? No? A shark dragging down an entire oil rig platform by the crane? No. Is it John Schneider from the Dukes of Hazzard? No. Is it Jimmie JJ Walker saying, "Dyno-o-mite!" No. What makes this movie so awesome is the prototype army tank that walks on mechanical legs, and is capable of karate kicking said super shark. That's right, rest in pieces, motherfucker.



This Epitomizes Everything That's Wrong With America Today.

If you're as entertained/intrigued/interested/mesmerized/caught up in the Middle East riots as I am, here are some nice high resolution picture galleries from: Boston's Big Picture, The Atlantic, The Wall Street Journal, The Denver Post, Life Magazine, The Los Angeles Times, and Boing Boing. There's also been a lot of fuss that Cairo will never recover from the riots, that it will never be the beautiful city it once was. I call bullshit. You're talking about a place that's been around since the 4th century -- the Egyptian flag is red white and black, by the way -- so I'm pretty sure the negative impact of some unruly people is grossly overstated. it kind of reminds me of George Carlin on Save The Planet.



This Is Why We Have A Second Amendment.

As a huge fan of the old school MXC, this is the most awesome thing I have seen in the last five years. On a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being not so extreme and 10 being extremely extreme, I give this a 9.5! And the crazy part is the American version -- all OSHA complaint and shit -- doesn't even let people wear a helmet. And I think we agree you should always wear a helmet, yes? Right you are, Ken. There are several parts to that vid, so be sure to watch them all.



Where Did The Weekend Go?

Well, it looks like I'm not the only one addicted to Angry Birds.



My Carbon Monoxide Dreams Strike Again.

Well, the contents of my actual dream are still pretty fuzzy -- it had something to do with detonating as nuclear bomb in Tampa, and I knew it went off because my microwave was shaking from the explosion -- but the main focus was being able to travel back in time. And I'm not talking about the Marty McFly time travel where you can go back and see earlier versions of yourself, oh no. In my dream there was only one of you. So when you went back in time, you took the place of your previous self but remained who you are now -- your current body, all your memories, and everything you know. I had trouble falling back asleep so for the next hour or so found myself putting a lot of thought into this perplexing conundrum. What I came up with was the further back you went, the more difficult it would be for you to positively alter major events in your life. Secondly, you would have a much greater impact on the lives of those around you, than you could ever hope to have on your own life. Allow me to present a few examples.



It's Not Lupus. It's not Ever Lupus. Ever.

As far as TV goes, I'm a House fanatic. I dunno whether it's his pissy attitude, or Dr Cuddy and her gratuitous cleavage, or the comic relief of Wilson. But I just love that damned show. And much to my surprise, I actually miss Olivia Wilde. I mean yes, she's hot but she's also very overexposed right now. You can't turn on a fucking TV show or see a movie trailer without Olivia Wilde this and Olivia Wilde that. I think I actually miss her because of her acting ability, because let me tell you, watching Amber Tamblyn act is like watching old people fuck. So if you Tamberlyn as much as I do, this nip slip photo will make the remainder of the season more palatable for you. And another thing.... remember when House used Hanson's Mmmmm Bop! as his ringtone? Yeah guess what, me too. I've had people give me some strange looks when it goes off, but I always look at my phone and then glance up with a scowl on my face, "It's Foreman." And I suppose you can too, or you can use his ringtone for Wilson, which is ABBA's Dancing Queen. Of course Hanson is a lot better than Justin Bieber, right? And as if we didn't have enough reasons to hate him already, guess what? He's a fucking Canadian.



Good... Bad... I'm The Guy With The Gun.

Gentlemen, I have good news, good news, good news.



Oh Look, They Named A Street After Me.

Wow, after looking over yesterday's post, I suddenly have the craving for Pepto Bismal flaovored ice cream. Well, that and all the prompting to man up and move the safe myself, is getting me prepared for my upcoming hernia. More on that once I get things nailed down.



Happy Valentine's Day. Moving Companies Will Not Be My Valentine.

Before I chew my Droid/iPhone food (which per public opinion looks like a new Droid, BTW), purchasing a new gun safe is on the agenda for the next few weeks. I even have one all picked out. It's at Costco. it will cost me $849. It weight 705lbs and measures 59" tall x 40" wide x 25" deep. Needless to say I can't just throw this in the trunk of my car. And while Big Red can physically transport it from Point-A to Point-B, getting it inside the house without demolishing everything I own is highly unlikely. So perhaps this is something best handled by a moving company, as they have the resources to handle such a formidable task. So I call a few moving companies in the Cape Coral/Ft Myers area and explained what I need: store item pickup, height/weight, distance of 11.5 miles, single story home, no stairs to speak of save for one step maybe 4" tall as you enter the house. Lowest estimate I've received so far? Three hours worth of work for $250. What the fuck? Highest estimate? Four fucking guys for four fucking hours at $200 per hour -- $800. They want almost as much to move the fucking safe as it costs to buy the fucking safe. Man, I haven't been this disappointed since I got the bright idea to try and woo Sandra Bullock. Has the entire world gone mad?



Insert Your Favorite Egyptian Joke Here.



California? Are You Sure You Didn't Mean Flori-duh?

An 83-year-old California man whose driver's license had been fucking suspended, drove on the wrong side of Interstate 5 near San Diego for several miles before a crash that tore his Ford F-150 in half. Clarence Kinney survived the crash with only minor injuries; his truck triggered a chain reaction crash that injured one other person and created a seven-mile backup on the freeway. How the fuck that guy survived that crash I'll never know. Hat tip to Ford, I guess, eh? The incident is again sure to raise questions about re-testing older drivers.



This Bud's For You, Dave.

When the economy was rockin and rollin back in 2000, I trested myself by first leasing (as a trial) and then purchasing (because I loved it) an Audi TT. So far it's been the most reliable car I've ever owned... this March 21st will be its 10th birthday and as far as repairs go it's had: a synthetic transmission service to resolve a third-gear grinding issue, and a MAP sensor replaced. That's it. Just gas, oil changes and a set of tires. For those of you unaware, the the Audi TT is a two-door sports car manufactured by Audi Hungaria Motor Kft. in Hungary, since 1998, for the German automaker and Volkswagen Group subsidiary AUDI AG. The Audi TT is now in its second generation — and both generations have been available in two car body styles; as a 2+2 Coupé (which is what I have), or two-seater Roadster. They have been built on consecutive generations of the Volkswagen Group A platform, starting with the A4. As a result of this platform-sharing, the Audi TT has identical powertrain and suspension layouts as its related platform-mates; this includes a front-mounted transversely oriented engine, front-wheel drive or quattro permanent four-wheel drive system, and fully independent front suspension using heavy duty MacPherson struts. You're welcome.



One Phone To Rule Them All.

Good afternoon. Here's a Harry Potter pole dance. Ten points for Gryffindor!



I Would Pay Anything To Motorboat Those.

Russell Brand must be the happiest man on Earth. Which is fitting given that he worked for P-Diddy in Get Him To The Greek, and Diddy is black, and February is Black History Month. This of course should not to be confused with Blacktoberfest. And did you know that black bears suffer and die for the Queen's Guards' caps? Support this campaign to end blah-blah-cruelty-blah-blah, look Joss Stone got naked for PETA.



No, I Don't Wanna move Along.

Downhill slalom + hockey players = Red Bull Crashed Ice. With photo and video goodness.



Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.



What Is That? A Huge Machete? A Sword?

You know this whole Egyptian uprising thing kind of brings things into perspective here in the States. A lot of the people who are very pro-Second Amendment argue there should be no restrictions on a civilians right to own firearm. While those who are very pro-Gun Control feel that allowing everyday civilians access to whatever firearms their heart desires is ludicrous, because in this modern day and age there simply isn't ever going to be another uprising on the same scale of the colonists versus King George III. So is the current situation in Egypt a game changer? I dunno. I tried to sit here and visualize what it would be like here; to have Cape Coral city vans driving over people, rocks being thrown everywhere, and me forced out onto my front lawn with a shotgun in one hand and a sign reading "Don't Touch My Shit" in the other. And what about federal troops? Seeing the occasional police cruiser is one thing, but when you have HUMVEEs and Strykers rolling down th eblock, would that be enough to quell society's bad behavior? Probably not. I just hope some of them are Walking Dead so I can get a few guilt-free shots off.



Heads. No, Tails. No, Heads. No, Wait.

Whenever you move from Place A to Place B, it's always nice to be reminded about Place A from time to time. For example, when I move from New York to Massachusetts, I always enjoyed catching nice glimpses of "home"... maybe Nick Tahoe's Hots made the national news for some reason, or I'd come across a Kodak/Xerox product that was made in Rochester, or a warplane made in Buffalo... stuff like that. Since I've moved again -- this time to a warmer climate, thank you very much -- now I appreciate a little something special from New England every now and again. Granted it's much easier now -- Boston is several times the size of Rochester and it's loaded with national sports teams -- either the Sox or the Patriots are always the topic of conversation somewhere. Or sometimes I like to look around my old condo association on Google Maps. I wouldn't go so far as to say it makes me homesick, but I think it reminds of of a time where there was an excess of everything except responsibility. But what I don't miss is commuting through the snow. In fact, I travelled this very same road -- passed this very sign -- these some other driver managed to stand his car straight up perfectly balanced on his front bumper. That my friends, is a Masshole if I've ever seen one.



Don't Drive Angry. Don't Drive Angry.

Yes, today is indeed Groundhog Day -- BING! -- and while much of the United States is busy digging themselves out from the Snowpocalypse, our allies from Down Under are really in deep shit. As if record flooding wasn't enough, if you'd like to see Cyclone Yasi hand Australia its ass in real time, here are a bunch of live cam feeds.



Upper Back Pain > Lower Back Pain.

This weekend was absolutely gorgeous out. I'm talking mid 70's, quite sunny, slight breeze, not a cloud in the sky. It was the picturesque Florida winter day. Jealous? Don't be, because I spent the whole fucking thing inside, more miserable than I've ever been in my entire life, my body wracked with pain. And no, I was not partying with Charlie Sheen.



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