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Ernie's House of Whoopass! November 02, 2010
November 02, 2010

Hey, Dumbass. You, In The Tank. You Cozy In There?

Well that was pretty fucking awesome, eh? The beginning was kind of 28 Days Later'ish, which I wasn't necessarily opposed to, but at least I saw it coming based upon the previews and had a chance to prepare myself. I predicted the affair betwen the deputy and the Sheriff's wife; although why she couldn't recognize her husband's voice on the radio, I dunno. But a few characters? Dude, it's like they've never seen a zombie movie before. How do you kill zombies? With seven shots to the chest? Nooooo, with two in the turban, that's how. And one curious obeservation regarding the preview clip for next week's episode, where Rick is confronted by the group of survivors holed up in a department store. And this thought occured to me back with the remake of Dawn of the Dead, where they also had sets of glass security doors between them and the zombies. Why not paint the inside of the doors black so the undead can't see in? I mean what the fuck do you have to see outside for? You know what's there, fuckin zombies. But letting them see you keeps them agitated. Maybe leave a little obscure patch uncovered, maybe down around ankle height, so you can lay down and pee outside for recon, but other than that paint those bitches over. Anyway, one episode and I'm fucking hooked. And in case you're a complete fucking loser and missed the premire, here's a pretty sweet recap.

Heya Ernie, So, I was watching "The Walking Dead" last night. Best TV pilot that has ever aired IMHO. From the opening scene..."Hey little girl, I'm a police officer... I can help you.......BANG" to the end, loved every second of it. So later that night, I start to mentally lay out my plans for the Zombiepocalypse and since I live in Kodiak, Alaska I think I might have to plan differently. The initial defense wouldn't be too bad, I'd just barricade one of our C-130 hangars and have an armored aircraft tug to get back and forth to the commissary. But being that Kodiak is an island, we'd eventually have to migrate to the mainland, since it's winter, that poses some problems and questions. Kodiak itself is not very cold during the winter (a lot like Seattle, right around 32*-40* with lots of rain and wind) but once we get to the mainland that becomes a different story. Anchorage gets FUCKING COLD. Anywhere from -9*F to Fairbanks averaging -13*F with extreme days getting down to -40*. So my question is this: Can there even BE zombies in arctic regions?? Or would Alaska be the refuge for humanity? Normal people, being warm blooded (and smart enough to come in out of the cold) can easily adapt to and survive such conditions, but what about a zombie? Already at a diminished mental capacity, they would just mope around in the snow and slip on the ice. Especially if they're the slower early Romero type. So, would the cold slow them down even more to the point where they just freeze solid and all you have to do is walk around town and whack them in the head with a hammer and shatter their noodle? If you can figure this out, I'd really like to know so I can better prepare myself. TK, Kodiak, AK.

An excellent question! Personally, I think Alaska -- or anywhere really fucking cold for that matter -- is the perfect long term place to wait out the zombie apocalypse. Down here in Florida? My whole purpose after the initial siege, is to find a way to get up north where the zombies won't survive the winter. Being a zombie purist, we all know the only real zombies are the Romero zombies. Why? Because Romero zombies are subject to the same laws we are. Rigor mortis is chemical change in the muscles after death. It's not debatable. You can't just brush it aside because you think a faster zombie would make for a higher body count. Rigor is part of the decomposition process that starts the instant we die. Zombies are dead people. Ergo, they're going to be stiffies just like the rest of us. And when rigor wears off twelve or so hours later, you're still dealing with muscles that are fucking dead. So no zombie sprinting for you. Following that train of thought, with no metabolism to create energy and keep them warm, I believe zombies would freeze solid just like any other hunk of meat in the freezer. A nice crowbar or ball peen hammer, and you can be zombie free in no time. This is perhaps the only advantage Canada has over mainland America. But just for the record, I would stay on Kodiak Island until the food runs out. At least there you have a finite number of undead to deal with.

More good news for humanity: Scientists have managed to produce a small-scale version of a human liver in the laboratory using stem cells. The success increases hope that new transplant livers could be manufactured, although experts say that this is still many years away. Yeah, and eight of those years are thanks to the fucking Biblethumpers.

Bad news for voters: When a politician tells us that they'll stick to his or her beliefs when in office, we usually murmur something about corporate interests and "the fat cats in City Hall." Well, it turns out that politicians are the ones who should be cynical about us. Science is finding that some pretty weird stuff can make us forget what we stand for on Election Day. So try not to get brainwashed this Election Day, eh?

In one of the nastiest campaign ads of 2010, one candidate warns his opponent "wasted tax dollars organizing a bondage and leather festival!" Other ads catch a politician promising that yes, he will double-dip into taxpayer money to fund his salary, and of course there's the famous mash-up of eBay's former CEO. One candidate even broadcast footage of his opponent rubbing suntan lotion on his back during a lobbyist-funded trip to sunny Hawaii! "Do I look like I'd go to Pittsburgh in January," the Congressman sputters in a very incriminating soundbite... "My opponent likes bondage!" -- the nastiest campaign ads Destiny.

Bad news for Russians: In the south of the city, near Marshall Zhukov street a group of up to 7 children live underground in the basement of an aparment block. Access to the squalid place is via a tiny ventilation duct which the kids have to squeeze through. They have broken into the buildings electrical board and wired up a single lightbulb, and an electrical ring cooker which they use for heat and cooking. They huddle themselves together in the dirt close to the buildings hot water pipes for warmth. The group are all HIV+ and inject lethal concoctions of home made drugs every day. After buying some cheap nasal decongestants they grind down the tablets and mix with water to create a thick brown paste. They then filter this to produce a yellowish liquid which they inject.

Bad news for guys: I spent $5000 on a boob job for the girlfriend. She was delighted. I spent another $2000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2000 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon. And yet I spent $30 on a blow job for myself, and she goes ballistic. What the fuck?

Good news for girls: JabbaWockeeZ is an all-male modern dance/hip hop crew from San Diego who won the first season of the reality dance competition America's Best Dance Crew. Since winning, the group has gained greater exposure by appearing in various music videos and commercials, touring internationally, and performing with Shaquille O' Neal at the 2009 NBA All-Star Game. They are known for wearing plain white masks and gloves in order to encourage audiences to focus on their movements as a group instead of on individual dancers. Their name is derived from the Lewis Carroll poem "Jabberwocky" about the eponymous mythical dragon.

Ernie--- Would you vote for someone named DeCock for County Attorney of JOHNSON County ? You can do that in Buffalo, Wyoming on Tuesday ( photo attached) . You can also vote for some guy named Rande "Money " for your County Assessor, too. ( dan de money ? ) . All are Republicans. -dewey

Are you in Brookfield? Giggity! Puddy

Bad news for Argentina: Nestor Kirchner, president of Argentina from 2003 to 2007, and husband to current president Cristina Fernandez, died of a heart attack on Wednesday, October 27th, at the age of 60. Kirchner was widely expected to run for a second term in a presidential election next October. Today, thousands of Argentinians filed past a flag-draped coffin to pay their respects to the former President, then lined the capital's rain-slicked streets for a glimpse of his hearse as it passed by. Kirchner's remains will be flown to the southern region of Patagonia, where he was born, for burial. Collected here are recent images from Argentina as it bids farewell.

Good news for Argentina: Rocio Guirao Diaz is an Argentinian cultural icon, a super model on the rise. Taking time off at the moment, much to the chagrin of her adoring public, in order to give birth to her second child, the gorgeous heartbreaker will be back in 2011, ready to take your breath away again.

want proof that pontiac is really dead? they can't even stand up to a pumpkin.

woman from the ellen degeneres show goes through a haunted maze. she is quite jumpy.

bison gets nearly boiled alive, nearly eaten, finally shot. and you thought your monday was bad?

brett favre (verb) - the art of making it a huge deal quitting something, only to return to it and suck.


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