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But Not In The Way You Think.

Some television show set up a scenario where a white guy poses as a bicycle thief in the park. And despite the fact that he's hammering, sawing and cutting the chain, people stop and ask a few questions but most just walk on by with no more than a curious look. I thought that was pretty fucked up because I'd like to think people would actually do something to stop this thief. But that's not the fucked up part; the fucked up part is when they repeat the experiment with a black guy posing as the thief and people go fucking ballistic. Talk about your racial profiling, damn.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

This Is Why Outsource Jobs Overseas.

Since I now own two 20lb piranhas instead of just one, I find myself going through dog food twice as fast as I used to. So now instead of buying 20lb bags of my beloved Iams Lamb and Rice, I shoot for the 40lb bags. My usual sources are Petco, Pet Smart, and Target, depending on who's got what on sale; this past weekend it was Petco. They were hocking a 44lb bag for $38.99, or $35.99 with the Petco card, which I have. So I grab that and a $9 bottle of medicated shampoo because Bianca has wicked bad skin allergies. The bill comes up to just under $51 and I mindlessly swipe my debit card through, get my receipt and head for the door. My foot just hits the threshold and a lightbulb comes on; $51 wasn't quite right. I glance down at the receipt and sure enough, I was charged $38.99 for the dog food. Instantly a little devil appears on one shoulder, and a little angel on the other. "It's three bucks," the Devil whispered in my ear, "you've got better shit to do than turn around and go through this hassle for three measly bucks." I curled my lip under my nose, because the Devil had a point. "Remember what Judy Tibbets said back when you first started at FCP, 'watch your pennies and your dollars will watch themselves.' Besides," the Angel cooed in my ear, "there's a Dunkin Donuts right around the corner and you can use that three bucks for an iced coffee." I looked over at the Devil who looked down and sheepishly kicked my collar, "That's cool, I like iced coffee."

Bold Talk From A One Eyed Fat Man.

Unlike the book, the original True Grit doesn’t introduce Mattie as an old woman telling a story of her childhood, but instead begins and ends in 1880, when Mattie is 14 years old. Also, in the book, Mattie remains the central character throughout; in the movie, Mattie starts out as the main character, but Rooster Cogburn (John Wayne) gets an equal share of the limelight once his character is introduced. The film also downplays the novel's Biblical tone and adds a hint of romance between Mattie and La Boeuf. La Boeuf also does not die in the novel, but survives his head injury. Another significant difference from author Charles Portis' original tale is that Mattie does have her arm amputated as a result of the rattlesnake attack, in contrast to the final scene in the film where Kim Darby is seen with only a sling on her arm—indicating that she is recovering from the snake bites and intact physically. The novel's conclusion makes the reader aware that the story has been recounted by Mattie as an elderly, one-armed woman who never married. In the last scene of this 1969 adaption, Mattie gives Rooster her father's gun. She comments that he got a tall horse, as she expected he would. He notes that his new horse can jump a four rail fence. Then she admonishes him "You're too old and fat to be jumping horses." Rooster responds with a smile "Well, come see a fat old man sometime" and jumps his new horse over a fence. Despite popular belief, Wayne did not jump over the fence himself. In fact, according to biographer Garry Wills in his book on Wayne, Wayne was not healthy enough to do such stunts. Wayne had an entire lung removed four years prior to making the film and actually had trouble walking more than 30 feet without breathing heavily. John Wayne would go on to win a Oscar Award for Best Actor for his performance in True Grit.

Staff Sergeant Robert J. Miller - Medal of Honor Operation Enduring Freedom.

Staff Sgt. Robert J. Miller, U.S. Army, heroically distinguished himself by exceptionally valorous conduct in the face of the enemy of the U.S. while serving as the Weapons Sergeant, Special Forces Operational Detachment Alpha 3312, Special Operations Task Force–33, Combined Joint Special Operations Task Force–Afghanistan, Forward Operating Base Naray, Kunar Province, Afghanistan, in support of Operation Enduring Freedom. During the pre-dawn hours of Jan. 25, 2008, ODA 3312 conducted a combat reconnaissance patrol to Gowardesh, Afghanistan, to confirm or deny enemy activity and/or insurgents presence in the vicinity of Chen Khar in order to clear the valley of insurgent safe havens. This area was known to have several high- and medium-value targets massing and operating freely in the valley and three surrounding villages. The area of operations was also symbolically and strategically important because it was a Russian-era chokepoint, provided the enemy a tactical advantage due to its high ground and deep valley summits, and was a well-known insurgent stronghold.

Here Are Some Things I Can't Believe Happen.

I can't believe that a Harley Davidson doesn't float. Not even a little bit.

Time Yields For No Man. Rust Yields For No Door.

Well, all the body work that I had done on Big Red two years ago seems to be slowly rusting back to its former nonglory. Which is exactly what the guy told me was going to happen if I didn't let him replace the door skins, which I didn't. Why? because they're my door skins. The right one was dinged from when Jennifer Scott opened the door too fast and slammed it into the side view mirror of the adjascent car. The left one has "WASH ME" scratches from when Flaherty thought he's get cute and finger paint me a message into some dried mud, and that's the very door that I've slammed a hundred times when I was pissed off. And to anyone who suggests I have new doors put on, be forewarned, I won't tolerate you talking about my bitch like that. I don't want anyone else's fuckin doors, I want mine. As for going out and buying a new truck? Well, the Laramie edition that I ordered way back on 24 Oct 1994, maxed out at $21,840. The same truck now starts at $28,400 before you add on some goodies, and next year Dodge is due to release a Laramie Longhorn edition that's all tricked out -- that's probably going to be in the $40k range. So for now, me thinks the best idea is for me to just leave little spots of rust all around Cape Coral, even time I shut my door hard. But looking at that old invoice does kind of bring a tear to my eye. And I wonder who at Hanscom has my extension now.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

perhaps the glock cop and the glock girl can find a way to coexist? - FUCKING SHUT UP! - victoria's secret releases the october collection of alessandra ambrosio lingerie pictures - an emma watson near nip slip - how to disarm a pistol aimed at your twig and berries - this is the most fun you'll have with your spacebar all day - you can see the very top of a power pole - the ten best states to retire - and the worst. - we are both atheists - swimming right to the edge of the roped off swimming area may not be safe - ten of the hottest weather girls ever. hurray for long island - what an ugly haircut - old and busted: 90210. the new hotness: 91108. so long, brenda - stick to your guns - zoe saldana is calvin klein's new body -

It's Not Conversating, You Dumb Fuck. It's Conversing.

This past weekend, I stumbled across this gem from way, way, way back. I remember posting that when the stick figures were front and center. Don't get your panties all in a twist, it's about as fake as when you mix the (former) WWF and Robocop. A snuff film or snuff movie is a motion picture genre that depicts the actual death or murder of a person or people, without the aid of special effects, for the express purpose of distribution and entertainment or financial exploitation. Though many films featuring real deaths exist, such for-profit films are generally regarded as an urban legend. One argument against the existence of any non-documentary snuff movie would be the legal assertion that anyone screening such a film would automatically become an accessory to a crime. So please, for now on let's all stick to only what's real, like zombies and Lara Croft, okay?

Blue Gloves, Blue Balls. It's All The Same To Me.

To celebrate the 25th Anniversary of Back To The Future (and my upcoming visit to Universal's Halloween Horror Nights), here is never-before-seen footage of original star Eric Stoltz as Marty McFly. Plus Robert Zemeckis, Steven Spielberg and Bob Gale all explaining why they replaced him with Michael J. Fox. But producers and directors were right, this would have been a much more somber franchise with Stoltz at the wheel of the DeLorean. This clip is just a snippet from the Back To The Future 25th Anniversary trilogy DVD and Blu-Ray box set, which comes out on October 26, 2010. Which yes, I will be buying and no I won't be riding at Universal this Halloween because they replaced the motherfucking ride with that piece of shit Simpsons thing. A move I found to be extremely annoying.

For The Next Time You Have To Fart In The Shower.

Do this. Place your hand flat against the crack of your ass, so that your middle finger is pressed against your taint and the palm of your hand forms somewhat of a cup. No, it's not what you think. Now face away from the showerhead so water runs down your back and fills up your cupped hand. Once your sphincter is sufficiently underwater, let your fart go as hard as you can. You'll swear Donald Duck is standing behind you.

Maybe They Can Use This Guy For A Stand In?

Discovery Channel Producers: You crab boat captains work for us. So take a big step back and literally fuck your own face. Captain Sig and the Hillstrand brothers: Uhhh, fuck you, we quit. Discover Channel Producers: Nah, we was just playin. It's cool, right? Right? Guys? Guys. No, c'mon seriously. Guys. Guys? So now the former Discover guys are out wasting a perfectly good dixiecups, and apparently Deadliest Catch will continue for at least two more seasons. I know, famous last words, right? Which, by the way I think the best last words belong to Slim Pickens from Dr Strangelove. And as expected, Keith Colburn continues to be a raging pussybag ever since Jonathan pushed him down and took his lunch money..

There's A Black Joke In There Somewhere, I'm Sure Of It.

The modern conception of the zombie owes itself almost entirely to George A. Romero's 1968 film Night of the Living Dead. In his films, Romero "bred the zombie with the vampire, and what he got was the hybrid vigor of a ghoulish plague monster". This entailed an apocalyptic vision of monsters that have come to be known as Romero zombies. Romero's reinvention of zombies is notable in terms of its thematics; he used zombies not just for their own sake, but as a vehicle "to criticize real-world social ills—such as government ineptitude, bioengineering, slavery, greed and exploitation—while indulging our post-apocalyptic fantasies". Innately tied with the conception of the modern zombie is the "zombie apocalypse" is the breakdown of society as a of zombie infestation. And since we all know zombies are the recently deceased who have come back to life, this might be a particularly challening experience for serial killers, such as Dexter. So, if one were to mash Dexter and Night of the Living Dead together into a full length feature film, you'd probably get something like this.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Please, No "You Were A Little Hard On The Beaver" Jokes.

A little bit of Barbara Billingsley that I didn't know until today? Remember the, "Oh stewardess I speak jive," scene from Airplane? Yeah, that was her. Huh. So long June Cleaver, we hardly knew ye.

I’ll Fuck Your Father In The Shower, and Then Have A Snack?

Coulrophobia is an abnormal or exaggerated fear of clowns. The term is common, but is not commonly used in psychology. The prefix "coulro-" comes from the Ancient Greek "one who goes on stilts". Coulrophobia can also be said to extend to a fear of covering up one's face with paint—the idea of hiding recognisable features under a layer of face paint can also unsettle coulrophobia sufferers. And if you suffer from coulrophobia, odds are you probably snickered some when Columbus finally faced his fears in Zombieland, but at the same time I'm pretty sure you won't be seeing this any time soon.

Well Who Wants To Live In A World Without June Cleaver?

You know what sucks for Tom Bosley -- well aside from heart disease and lung cancer -- is that because he was just a supporting actor on Happy Days it's tough to find good video clips of him. It's much easier to find clips of Fonzie or Richie. And I know Bosley had a few shows of his own, but I have literally never watched those. But I grew up on reruns of Happy Days, so that's how I remember him. But I did have a little luck finding some clips of Mr C, such as one of the earlier episodes where the gang gets arrested for street racing, and one from 1978 when Richie almost dies. But perhaps the shining moment for the sole proprietor of Cunningham's Hardware is when he gets to give the goodbye speech in the series finale. I vaguely remember when that aired for the first time, but vividly remember it in reruns. Happy Days was from a different time in television than a lot of the bullshit you see today. No one cared that the fight between Richie and Fonzie was corny as all hell, the writers wanted to shock you by having someone turn on their lifelong friend and mentor, not who has the best special effects and what fake blood that looks more realistic than the other guy. But that's all in the past as we get CSI'd and Law and Ordered to death from all corners of the earth. So long Mr C, you've certainly given me a lot of Happy Days.

Well Certainly Not Guccione, Apparently.

Wow, who knew mrs Cleaver would take so many with her?

A Change Of Spooky Halloween Plans.

Did I mention that I am so looking forward to AMC's The Walking Dead, that I changed my dates to go to Universal's Halloween Horror Nights, so that I could be home for Dead's premire on the 31st? Yep, instead of going on Halloween night like I usually do, I'll be going that Friday before, on the 29th instead. It won't be quite the same but fuck man, zombies are afoot. And while AMC's The Walking Dead may be the most anticipated horror event of the year, zombie fans looking for an entertaining appetizer would be wise to check out "Dead Set". After Stephen King included the British miniseries in his year-end Entertainment Weekly column listing his favorite TV shows of 2009, I’ve been anxious to see what all the buzz is about. And thanks to IFC – which is airing the horror series throughout the week starting on October 25th, as well as showing all five episodes back-to-back on Halloween night – Dead Set is finally coming stateside. The catch is, since I don't have cable anymore I have to wait for them to become available on Hulu. Godammit. But I have to disagree with ol Mr. King on Harper's Island -- that show was downright fucking stooopid.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Why Do All Serial Killers Turn Out To Be Crazy White People?

Colonel Russell Williams is a murderer, serial rapist, and former Colonel in the Canadian Forces. From July 2009 to his arrest in February 2010, he commanded Canadian Forces Base Trenton, a hub for air transport operations in Canada and abroad and the country's largest and busiest airbase. Williams was also a decorated military pilot who had flown Canadian Forces VIP aircraft for Canadian dignitaries such as Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip, the governor general, the prime minister, and others. On February 8, 2010, he was relieved as the base commander at CFB Trenton due to criminal charges. He was formally charged by the Crown Attorney pursuant to provisions set forth in the Criminal Code of Canada on evidence collected by the Ontario Provincial Police with two counts of first-degree murder along with two counts of forcible confinement and two counts of breaking and entering and sexual assault; another 82 charges relating to breaking and entry were subsequently added. On October 21, 2010, Williams was sentenced to two life sentences for first-degree murder, two ten-year sentences for other sexual assaults, two ten-year sentences for forcible confinement and 82 one-year sentences for burglary; all the sentences will be served concurrently at Kingston Penitentiary. The life sentences mean Williams will serve a minimum of 25 years before parole eligibility. This videotape of his police interview and subsequent confession was played at his sentencing: parts 1 - 2 - 3.

Is it Wrong To Just Assume She'll Give me Oral Sex?

We both lie silently still, in the dead of the night. Although we both lie close together, we feel miles apart inside. Was it something I said or something I did, did my words not come out right? Though I tried not to hurt you, though I tried, but I guess that’s why they say every rose has it’s thorn. With another Mass accent, no less.

Joey, Do You Like Movies About Gladiators?

If there's one thing I loathe arouynd this time of the year, it's all the political bullshit that's on television. Generally, I find most political ads to be mindnumbingly boring pieces of shit. But every once in awhile, we stumble across a diamond in the rough, like this shiny gem sent in by Richard. Thanks dude! And by the way, David Zucker directed Airplane! and The Naked Gun. The cup of awesome runneth over. On the flip side of that coin, being close to Halloween, you get to see hot chicks dressed as Street Fighter characters. So there's always that, I guess.

Confession: I Remember Beating Off To 'Elvira: Mistress Of The Dark'

So if Universal Halloween Horror Nights sucks this year -- it kind of did last year, but was awesome the one before that -- I think I'm going to take a break next year. I was looking through their Wikipedia entry and it seems every few years or so, they base the entire thing upon Horror movies that have been released that year. As last year's Wolfman sucked, so did its associated HHN. This year they seem to have gone back to the basics, so I've got some high expectations. One staple they always do is a nice stretch of zombies - some 'dead' World War II soldiers, Zombiegeddon, and thjis year there's Zombie Gras? I giggled like a little kid. Watch for ErnieCam pics!

So There's a Red Sox Costume, And What's The Other One?

I have a question. Why is it that when you go to bed on an empty stomach, you wake up fine. But if you eat something before you go to bed, you wake up hungry. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Anyway, I made the mistake of eating something before bed last night, and woke to hunger pangs around 4am this morning. Not being able to fall back asleep, a very weird thought popped into my head: the Hensel Twins. No, not like that, you sick fuck. Although they are 20 years old now, so hey. But getting back on track, and with Halloween happening in a couple days, I wondered: what do they dress up as for Halloween? I would imagine that at least once, one of them went blackface and they dressed as 1972's The Thing With Two heads. But at some point that gets old, right? So. Indy and Shortround? Batman and Robin? Or maybe Batman and Joker? Or Han and Chewie? Bugs and Daffy? See, it's kind of fucked up, right? The costumed would have to tie together, either way. And here's another fucked up thought? Let's say the girls show up to a Halloween party and someone has dressed up as the Hansel Twins? Awkward? Maybe too tasteless?

Happy Halloween, Bitches!