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April 30, 2010

Because You Can't Motorboat A Personality.

So I finally got around to reading a little bit of Christina Hendrick's interview in the recent Esquire magazine, and I have to admit, it ruffled my feathers a little bit. Specifically the comment, "About ogling: The men who look, they really look. It doesn’t insult us. It doesn’t faze us, really. It’s just — well, it’s a little infantile. Which is ironic, isn’t it? The men who constantly stare at our breasts are never the men we’re attracted to."

Now before we analyze what she said, let's take a close look at this broad. Is she an exceptional actress? No, kinda average. Exceptionally smart? No, certainly nothing to indicate that. How about exceptional looks? No, not really. She's attractive sure, but certainly not a diamond in the rough. Does she have really, really big tits? You betcha! And in all of her magazine photos, what's the one thing she accentuates in all of her poses? That's right. Her really, really big tits. Every dress she ever wears, what's popping out? That's right. Her really, really big tits.

So, let me get this straight, guys staring at your really, really big tits is a-ok just so long as it puts cash in your pocket and keeps you swimming in money. But other than that, Ms. High Horse says she finds it to be infantile and unattractive. Fuck you, lady. If it weren't for Matthew Weiner, you'd be serving up chicken wings at Hooters. So let me know whenever you take your first role that doesn't star your two big tits as supporting actresses. In the meantime, let's all take a nice long look at pictures of Christina Hendrick's enormous pair of PERSONALITIES.

I didn’t write it, nor do I necessarily agree with it; just pointing it out. Figured maybe you could some post material or a rant off your chest. Not a big baseball fan myself. Saw it and thought of you. Cheers, Martin

I think the anti-Yankees sentiment has toned down a lot because they haven't been as much of a dynasty as they were in the late 90's/early 00's. And for that very reason, I'm kind of surprised the Sox aren't a little more hated than they are. But as a loyal Sox fan, I'll of course hate the Yankees until my last dying breath, but who is number two? Two words: Detroit Tigers. And why, you might ask? Two words: Johnny Damon. But for me, hey I'm more passionate about baseball than I am say... horse racing. If I were to mention the Kentucky Derby, your reaction would probably be the same as mine: yawn. But hey as soon as you want to mention what celebrities wore plunging necklines to the Derby, and suddenly everyone sits up. Knockers Montag probably had the best dress, but they all had those stupid fucking hats. Me? Eh, I'll just take a mint julep and watch Betty Russell's topless horseback boobies from Private School.

Star wars mash-up in which Darth Vader is played by none other than Jeff 'The Dude' Lebowski. TJ

Old and busted: Girls Gone Wild. Older and Busted(er): Man vs Wild. The new hotness: Man vs Girls Gone Wild. And the kid does a pretty good Bear Grylls impression, too. All he needs is a life preserver and I wouldn't be able to tell them apart.

Between yesterday's chicken wing & 40oz contest and today's fat ass dance clip, black people are not being equally represented here on EHOWA. Just another example of the man trying to keep the brothers down.

what the fuck should i make for dinner?

famous last words. well, of plane crashes anyway.

can you believe someone shelled out $20k for a ROLLED ford raptor?


April 29, 2010

Eastbound and Double Down.

Yep, I did it. I have partaken in the delicious deep fried glory that is the KFC Double Down. Allow me to tell you my tale of gluttony.

I decided to ride the scooter to KFC because I figured I'd need the fresh air in my face to keep me from throwing up on the trip home. And as all 125cc's sat rumbling between my legs as I sat at the stop light waiting to turn left into the KFC parking lot, my mind raced with anticipation. Would I like it? Would it be overwhelmed with sauce like Kerry cautioned me? Should I order it with light sauce just in case? or extra sauce, just to be a fat fuck? The light turned green and shook me from my turning lane slumber, and with a twist of the throttle I vaulted forward into KFC's parking lot and into the culinary unknown. I parked under a shady tree next to some bushes -- in case I had to throw up -- and hustled inside to get ahead of two assholes in suits who parked a few slots over.

The NVA Regular behind the counter greeted me and asked to take my order. A fresh counter placard under my hands beckoned me to purchase the Double Down value meal for only $6.99, and I sheepishly complied. She then asked if I wanted it prepared like it's shown in the photo, and this caught me off guard because I didn't know I had options. I mean how the fuck else would you make it? But not being one to make waves, I said sure and forked over a crumpled $10 bill that just a few moments before had been nestled within inches of my freshly shaven balls. I was given my change and an empty cup to fill up at the soda fountain. And what nectar would properly compliment all 580 calories of the Double Down? Why diet Pepsi, of course! And as I was filling my drink, I overheard the guy behind me -- one of the two suited assholes -- order a Grilled Double Down. Oh, so that's what she meant. Keep this in mind for later, by the way.

After a few minutes, the NVA's reinforcement came out from behind the grill area and called out to the crowd, "Dubba Dohn Regura?" It took me a minute but after tilting my head sideways like a dog watching the Animal Planet for the first time, I figured out she was trying to say "Double Down Regular" and thus raised my hand to catch her attention. She slid the tray across the stainless steel counter top and into my trembling hands. This was it, I was almost there.

I selected a seat near the window so that my Double Down could bathe in the natural sunlight. The first thing I noticed was that my sandwich was inside of rather ordinary cardboard box, just like any other fast food burger. I don't know why, but this struck me as kind of odd. I guess I was just expecting something more because of all the hype; you know a box with a lit sparkler on top or something. Anyway, I slid the two cardboard tabs out of the slots they were tucked into, and lifted the lid. There before me say all the delicious goodness I had hoped for. The visual presentation wasn't quite up to par with how it's shown in the advertising, but then again what fast food ever is? I wanted to take a picture of it as it sat there, something to share with you, but I couldn't wait. I just had to get that fucker in my mouth as fast as I could. So alas, here's my Double Down minus one bite.

And as I sat and let this ambrosia dance its way around the inside of my mouth, I couldn't help but think I've tasted this before. Well not exactly like this, but something awful damned close. And it took two or three more bites -- all of which were made in very rapid succession, as anyone who has accompanied me to Five Guys can attest to -- before it hit me: Chicken Cordon Bleu. That's it. That's what this is. Chicken Cordon Bleu with a handle. Sure, it's made with fried chicken breast versus grilled -- remember the suited asshole behind me who order the Grilled Double Down -- that's it. That's what he had for lunch. Chicken Cordon Bleu. And I had Fried Chicken Cordon Bleu.

[regarding the scope I inquired about] Ernie, That is the PVS-10 Day/Night optic. There is a lever on the side of it for switching between standard scope and night vision. The thing looks cool, but that's about all. My unit had 5 of them and not a one could hold zero. The PVS-22 is much better in my opinion. Danial

Hi Ernie long time viewer here visit your site daily and love it. Saw this video and I guess I'm wondering what year is the dozer? William

Was it good? Well duh. It's chicken, bacon and cheese so unless it's made by someone with hepatitis, how the hell can it go wrong? Was it super filling? No, not really. Take a regular chicken sandwich, replace the bun with a second piece of chicken and the two almost cancel each other out. I tell you what though, if KFC had come up with this a few years ago when the Atkins diet was all the rage, they'd have made billions. And while no, I didn't eat five of them as I guess I'm just not one of those guys who comes through in the clutch. And while I did appreciate the fresh air on my face during the ride home -- the scooter was noticeably slower, mind you -- I didn't throw up either. Long live the Double Down!

this girl seems really excited about health care reform passing.

annual black female 40oz drinking and chicken wing eating contest.


April 28, 2010

Cyberstalking Is Fun For The Whole Family!

I'll admit it, I'm a cyberstalker. As an avid people watcher in the pre-internet days and now with me spending so much time online, how can I not be? Idle hands do the Devil's work, they say, so let me show you what I've come up with recently. For starters, one of my favorite haunts is the mugshot collection from the local newspaper. For example, let's take a look at Chrystal here (picture 9/34). She didn't always look so haggard. In fact; she looked kinda hot back in 2008 before she moved to Florida. Perhaps one day she will return to her former glory?

And if you're going to get busted for posession of a controlled substance (picture 15/34), for God's sake don't use your 2009 mugshot as the main photo in your Facebook profile. So if you've got such lofty goals as starting your own modelling career, perhaps it's best not to have your neck tattooed and try to forge a Lee County Sheriff's check?

Hey, Ernie, love your site, I hit it every day. Yes, I've tried the new KFC Double Down sandwich. As a matter of fact, we had the date marked on the calendar, and my sons and I each got one the very first day they went on sale here in California. And I bought another one the very next day. They are awesome. Incredible. Like a KFC fried chicken/cheesy/bacony orgasm in your mouth. If my arteries could take the assault, I'd have one every day. Keep up the great work, Ernie, and go get a Double Down as a reward. Mark in San Diego

Sauce not so good its got a bit of a tang to it that i don't prefer but was able to swallow it down. One big thing is you are not eating this in your car its a fucking mess for sure. Fried coating is not really coated to the chicken and turns into a glob mess in the handy wrap they give it to you in. The taste is actually all-right yet i really didn't taste anything aside from the chicken and the sauce ( go figure since your eating two flat pieces of breast meat with the meager filling they provide) Back to the handy wrapper you get with this meal. Its A+ for sandwich wrapping and being able to eat it without getting your hands into a stink. They knew this thing was going to be one fucking big mess and provided you with the tool to keep it somewhat contained. It was good for a try not sure if it would kill myself though eating it again in the future. I am already on high blood pressure and cholesterol meds so this of course does me no good at all aside from removing a year or two from my life. If i was going to do any double down i would get no sauce but that is just me i am sure most like the sauce it has. Kerry P.S. What was the verdict on your Audi check engine light you had a couple months ago? Was it a mass air flow or vacuum leak issue?

Mass Airflow Sensor. Ze German car companee replaced it and and ze is now goot! Shit, I haven't looked forward to a fast food trip since Burger King came out with their Enormous Omelet Sandwich. So i guess I too will succumb to the pasionate woo of Colonel Sanders and see if I can't induce my first heart attack this afternoon while I sit on my ass and test out Gran Turismo 5. Also I've noticed a decent influx of new visitors lately; just to warn you all, yes I make zombie references any chance I get, and believe me, I get a lot of them. Also while I do try to keep the main links free of hardcore porn, always beware of pictures labeled DO NOT CLICK THIS.

A visualization of the northern European airspace returning to use after being closed due to volcanic ash. Due to varying ash density across Europe, the first flights can be seen in some areas on the 18th and by the 20th everywhere is open. The flight data is courtesy of flightradar24.com and covers a large fraction of Europe. There are a few gaps, most noticeably France (go figure), and no coverage over the Atlantic, but the picture is still clear.

Oh yeah -- for Christ's sake if you get clipped for a felony DUI where someone gets hurt, don't fucking brag about it on Facebook because sister, that's just asking for trouble.

so what if i had bought apple stock instead?

what to do before you lose your cell phone. before, wait what?


April 27, 2010

Aw Honey, You're Going To Leave Noseprints.

The Geocities-izer makes any webpage look like it was made by a 13 year old in 1996. The catch is, when I plug in EHOWA, it doesn't change much. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Uhhh, if you're trying to protest the new Arizona immigration law as being an unfair burden on the Hispanic community, then perhaps smearing refried beans isn't the best way to send your message. I'm just sayin.

Remember the photos of the brunette girl whose head got smooshed when she drove a black Porsche into a toll booth? Her family is still fighting to have the images removed from the internet. Eh, life could be worse... you could be Steve.

By now I'm sure you've head that Tito Ortiz gave Jenna Jameson a little home correction last night after getting a 911 call to her house. Not that you could tell, since her face looks like it's been dribbled through a minefield. But alas, let us remember Jenna the way she used to be, which is how she'll forever be in our hearts.

Big Ern, I got a kick out of this when I read it. Porn stars are not necessarily bad people. Some really do care about their fans, as it turns out. Trey

Gunshot special effects in Hollywood are typically done with a small blasting cap and some cort of capsul of fake blood -- perhaps stored in a condom. The blasting cape are set off electronically, and quite often the trigger for such is actually tieds to the prop gun used to shoot the soon-to-be-dead actor, so the trigger pull is timed correctly with the effects of the exploding shot. I would like to note however, that it's very important that you have the blasting cap facing outwards, not in. But even such a simple mistake as that would be welcomed as an alternative to these great characters who died very bland deaths. Unlike the guys in The Wraith, most of whom were blown the fuck up. On that note, hey military folks - what kind of scope is this?

Ernie, love your site! I see from following the link that they have the Wraith rated PG-13, I remember watching this somewhere a while back and the nude scenes showing Sherilyn Fenn peeling that blue swim suit off her excellent knockers and the sex scene with the blonde had been cut out. I have a old vhs copy that I recorded back in the late 80's off my brothers old k-band satellite system (with the 15ft dish lol) and I am fairly sure it was rated R, but it is pretty poor quality. I wouldn't mind having it on dvd but would like to know if those scenes were cut before I buy it. Perhaps one of your millions of readers already have a copy and can give a heads up on whether or not those scenes are included. Robert

The scenes that Robert refers to are these of course, and since I'm pretty sure they allow the occasional tit in PG-13 movies, I'd have to guess they're in, yes? Anyone? Yes, no? Or how about the KFC Double Down... anyone tried one yet?

giving credit where credit is due - throw up props for buddy!

2011 ford mustang gt vs. 2010 chevy camaro ss comparison test.

the crazy graduation prayer chick? here's the explanation. BWA-HAHAHA!


April 26, 2010

Okay. The First One To Dragonfire Crossing Wins.

I swear to fucking God my childhood is coming back and I couldn't be happier. First I discover the original Doom for my XBox-360. Then I stumble across The Last Starfighter on Blu-Ray for only $10. And now I find out there's a special edition of The Wraith due out soon. And for those of you paying attention, the The Wraith's car was a one of a kind prototype called the Dodge M4S Turbo Interceptor and it currently lives in Kansas. Well, sorta lives, anyway. Note the Wraith car should nto be confused with the Wraith motorcycle.

Remember, today is Boob Quake day, so ladies, undo a few of those top buttons. Guys, please do not drunk text your ex-girlfriends to see if they're participating, as that's very poor form. Note that Boob Quake Day should not to be confused with Everyone Draw Mohammed Day, which is May 20th.

Hey Ernie. Remember the pic of the redneck truck with the WTC burning? I stumbled across this link today. Seems that there was a bit more to the story! Big fan of your site, keep up the good work. Kevin L. Plantation, Fl

Hey Ernie, Long time fan. I know how you miss the Great Northeast. You must be miserable down there in sunny Florida. It snowed here this morning. Anyway, I though I'd send you some pictures from Main Street in Nashua NH. This guy is not having a very good morning. Sorry for the quality. I forgot my real camera, and had to rely on the cell phone cam. Keep up the good work. Dan in Nashua.

Old and busted: watching a stadium implosion from the outside. The new hotness: watching it from the inside. It is uncertain however, if Men In Black 3 will bring the new-new hotness.

And in what can only be described as the coolest thing since watching Paris Hilton take a facial, here's a Boeing 737 go from railway to runway in just two and a half minutes. This as opposed to a collection of women failing at sports, which will take up a whole five minutes.

Hey Ernie, I will officially bitch slap anyone who says that dogs don't fucking rule! -Alex PS: And I still get emotional just thinking about Gypsy

Ernie, Long time reader, first time contributing. I know how many you times you have written about how dogs rule...just another story to back that theory up. The dog, Buddy, led an Alaskan Trooper to the house of his owner after it had started on fire and the Trooper had gotten lost in the back roads to the house. He had gotten the Trooper and Fire Department there in time to save his owners house. You have probably gotten this already but if you haven't here you go! Thanks for all that you do...not a day goes by that I do not check EHOWA!!!!! Cheers, Adam

Hey Puddy, if you're planning on swinging through the Dubai on your next R&R, perhaps after a nice dinner of camel hump, you can check out the Dubai Fountain. It's really quite beautiful until you remember that's your gas money at work. Besides, you've got to do something since your hopes of being a police officer in Indonesia have been dashed.

a good use for the 3d glasses from that clash of the titans . NSFW.

if stoners named tv shows (mouseover for new name).

the woz speaks out about apple product leaks.


April 24, 2010

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Ernie, Today Australians commemorate and celebrate our war veterans. The respect and remembrance parts of this day have actually grown over the last couple of decades. Long may this continue, Lest We Forget. Iain

brilliant way to cheat on a test. have a coke and a passing grade!

the five biggest assholes who ever turned out to be right... stupid assholes.

one day in the life of a celebrity's very own personal assistant bitch.

sarah palin's greatest fails of all time. well, besides the kid.

airstreamcamper - celebratediversity - fastshutterspeed - halfempryorhalffull

when is the 4g iphone due? at&t says no employee time off in june.


April 23, 2010

You Have The Right To Remain Dead.

Neighbors along Fairgrounds Road, in Hamilton, MOntana were woken up after police and a 36 year old Raymond Thane Davis were involved in a shootout. It happened around around 2:00 a.m. January 2nd. Authorities say that just after 1:00 a.m. officers responded to a criminal mischief complaint concerning Davis. Two officers contacted Davis in regards to this complaint and determined there were no grounds for a citation at that time. The officers noted that Davis appeared to be intoxicated and advised him not to drive. But less than an hour later, Hamilton Police Officer Ross Jessop stopped Davis for a traffic violation. Davis pulled over and Jessop approached his car and began talking to him, when Davis pulled out a gun and shot at Jessop. Jessop returned fire and Davis sped off and ended up crashing into a utility box and the Ravalli County Road Department building. He was pronounced dead on the scene. Police say Davis is a registered violent offender with a lengthy criminal history. And here's Thane's obituary which reads, "Raymond “Thane” Davis was born Sept. 17, 1973. He was given freedom from his earthly cares on Saturday, Jan. 2, 2010." Awww, isn't that touching. yeah, here's a video of him pulling a gun on the officer and the ensuing smackdown.

And in a move that I think is complete bullshit, Constantin Films -- those are the guys who made the World War II movie "Downfall" with the popular Hitler scene -- have filed multiple DMCA notices with Youtube to have all the fucking parodies taken down. Besides the fact that parodies are excluded from copyright laws, I think it's generally just a shitty meanspirited thing to do. Long live the Hitler meme.

And to anyone that had a fucking aneurysm over yesterday's Obama fan video, you should know that GloZelle is an aspiring comedienne in the Los Angeles area [Another one of her videos]. I fired off the following email to her yesterday afternoon...

I'm sure people are going apeshit right now but I just had to tell someone -- KUDOS for the greatest PR stunt ever. Cheers! Ernie

[she replied] Thank you so much, Ernie! GloZell

[and I replied] You're welcome. P.S. You have *spectacular* boobs.

Remember kids: sniff test. Anyway, I was watching V last night and again pondered the do'ability of Morena Baccarin. With that haircut she looks like a little boy. But then there wwere a couple scenes last night where you could tell she's got a sweet little ass on her. So I'm torn I guess. I'd probably just make her grow her hair long again so it wouldn't feel like I was fucking my neighbor's kid. Oh hey, what do Kevin Smith and this drunk blonde chick have in common? They both broke toilets!

Saw the laying down game link and thought it was pretty good, so I took this picture at work yesterday in Afghanistan. -Joe

Went to Big Belly's in Brandon, FL for lunch with a couple of buds today - don't think Monday nights will be on our schedule though... Regards, Pete (ready for the Harley yet?).

The winner in Flaming Zombooka was not Jerry with 335,700, although he did come close, but Anthony with 336,700. As I see Jerry sent in his score by snapping a picture of his monitor with his cameraphone, here's a quick refresher on grabbing screen caps: Press the [PRNT-SCRN] button in the top right corner of your keyboard. This puts the screen capture in the clipboard. Then open your favorite graphics program, paste as anew image, and send the entire image to me as a .JPG file. For you poor fuckers who paste into Microsoft Word, sorry I don't even open em.

Old and busted: Hottest wives in sports. The new hotness: The hottest mistresses in sports. Man, Tiger Woods fucking rules.

Here's Cheeseburger Josh a year ago. Ed

Many fishermen will go out with 2.5 inches of good ice for walking, but the recommended is 4 inches, 5–6 inches for Sleds (Snow Machines, Snowmobiles) 7–12 for light cars and 14–16 inches for full sized trucks. Care must be taken, because sometimes ice will not form in areas with swift currents, leaving open areas which freeze with much thinner ice. And so I'm guessing this ice was about 13 inches thick.And while I never thought I'd ever use the phrase, "baller on a budget," perhaps that dude will be able to replace his newly soggy ride with something more affordable cars that they say will make you look rich. Because a Kia Soul just screams capital gains tax, eh?

an unusual case of vaginal tumor. wait, what?

internet meme hall of fame: hilarious craigslist personal ads.

when they recast classic sitcoms, amanda bynes is destined to do porn and drugs.


April 22, 2010

Dude, Those Aren't Even A Handful.

Okay, here's a question for you. Do you think this video is real, or just pure propoganda? The latter, me thinks. I'd like to hope that no one is that ignorant, yes? Because otherwise I'd have to post the top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers, and I don't want to have to do that:

#10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

#9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

#8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

#7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

#6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.

#5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

#4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

#3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.

#2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.

And the number one reason why blacks can't be in NASCAR...

#1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.

The bitch does have some big tits, though. So what did you look like as a kid? Charlize Theron looked like a boy, Dita Von Teese was blonde and apparently Kiera Knightley has always had the tits of a six year old. Although in all honesty, I'd have no problem being a personal assistant to any of the three. I'd even help them pick out what to wear in the morning!

climber scales the eiger without safety equipment, then jumps off.

eighty percent of americans don't trust the government. and here's why.


April 21, 2010

You Know, I Kind Of Miss Tubgirl.

The Big Lebowski? Cool. MacGyver? Cool. The Big Lebowski & MacGyver together? TOTAL FUCKING 90'S AWESOMENESS!

The current leader in Flaming Zombooka is Robert with 330,700.

Today is NFL Draft day... that magical time of the year when Al Davis ruins the hopes and dreams of Raider fans everywhere. You can follow the draft live here or if you're the gambling type, match up your predictions against these.

This cute brunette girl shows how to give a handjob make a mug handle. "Keep it really wet, keep it lubricated. If you get any friction, otherwise you might accidentally pull a piece off." Amen, sister.

Hey Ernie- I have been a fan of your site since around 97'. Great work. I have been assisting at the local middle school here and happened across this. I could not resist taking a picture of it. The first thing I thought of when I saw it was "oh man Ernie will love this" This is an art "project" done by an eighth grader, I think he said it was a fish, You decide. -Robert

The term perpetual motion, taken literally, refers to movement that goes on forever. However, the term more commonly refers to any device or system that perpetually (indefinitely) produces more energy than it consumes, resulting in a net output of energy for indefinite time. The law of conservation of energy, which states that energy cannot be created or destroyed, implies that such a perpetual motion machine cannot exist. The most commonly contemplated type of perpetual motion machine is a mechanical system which (supposedly) sustains motion indefinitely, despite losing energy to friction and air resistance. A second type of impossible "perpetual motion machine" is one which does not violate conservation of energy, but produces work by spontaneously extracting heat from its surroundings, thereby cooling them down, and converting the heat energy into mechanical work. Such machines are forbidden by the second law of thermodynamics. But the laws of thermodynamics have nothing on tennis champion Novak Djokovic. To punctuate that i tried to find some pictures of whoever he's banging, but came up empty... Anybody?

Ernie, Being a semi-fat, lazy bastard not wanting to drive 30 minutes or more for Five Guys, I did a search to see if Five Guys is coming to my town (Manchester, CT)...I fuckin' hate Google's ads. I wanted meat, but not THAT kind! Andy

As you probably have heard, Coco got in some trouble yesterday. She posted this pic on Twitter of her getting a Brazilian wax, and of course they immediately pulled it down. No one else seems to have it except these guys. But I don't see what the big deal is. it's not like you can see her hot box or anything. What's so controversial about it, other than she can probably give birth to an old style claw bathtub without so much as a grimace.

ever wonder if chatroulette had been around in medieval times. hmmm...

thirteen incredibly dumb criminals.

general motors out of top 10 of fortune 500 for the first time in 101 years.


April 20, 2010

Death, Taxes, And Butt Fuckin.

If you ask me, those are the only things that are ever for certain. Essentially you pay your taxes and get buttfucked to death. But as it's TDay + 5 I figured it might be worth mentioning a few tidbits about taxes, especially if you're one of the poor fuckers like me who had to send in a payment. And if you're filing late, don't worry there's no need to kill yourself, because believe it or not, the IRS expects about 11,000,000 late filings each year. So don't feel penned in; just relax, grab your calculator, go to your happy place and file an ammended return if you have to.

Game Challenge. Yeah, I tried to sort out Canufit but after looking at some 200+ entries, my fuckign eyes were crossed. So there was no way I was going to sort through all 1,400... fuck that. Instead, I'll challenge you like any man should; a contest of flames, zombies, and bazookas. That's right, it's Flaming Zombooka. The scoring works much like Cargo bridge, where after you complete all the levels, you can go back and replay any of the previous ones, in hopes of improving your overall score. How well must you improve yours? Well, you have to beat my 272,300.

Ernie A friend of a friend posted this on her Facebook. I don't know how it happened but it is one of the worst things I have seen. Camryn

I got this screen capture tonight when I opened my CNN website. Washington pointing his sword at a guy stabbed in a hate crime. Jason

Big Ern, Being a fan of old school Grindhouse movies, this one is next on my list. The only thing that would of make this movie better would be a Bruce Campbell cameo. Trey

God help me, I do love B movies. I saw a trailer for Piranha 3-D while I was having my life ruined at Clash of the Titans. Anyway, Machete is slotted for a September 3rd release date, and I can't fucking wait. Did you catch the Lindsay Lohan hot scene? I did. And the best part? Black Dynamite should be hitting my mailbox sometime today... woohoo! Hey did you ever notice that anytime someone mentions "hot" and "racecar drivers" the only two names ever brought up are Danica Patrick and Ashley Force? I always wondered why that is, but after seeing this collection of female racecar drivers, now I know. Like Austin says, "That's a man, baby!" View at your own risk. And speaking of risk, here's a bunch of skiers who got hit with a 110mph micro burst while up on a ski lift in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. That shit is CRRAAAAZY.

And please, will someone explain to this poor girl that hair scrunchies are so out of date. Oh, and happy 38th birthday to Carmen Electra! (NSFW)

prius minivan approved for launch in 2011. brakes optional.

thirty years of nudity in video games. no strip poker on c64 wtf?!

old and busted: navy seal vs spetsnaz. the new hotness: tony s vs tony m.


April 19, 2010

Fuck You, Bubo Ruled.

The Thin Red Line. Showgirls. A Night At The Roxbury. And now... Clash of The Titans.

What do all of these movies have in common? They sucked. They sucked long and hard. They sucked so long and hard that the first three have the dubious honor of being the only DVDs I've stopped watching, ejected, and returned to Blockbuster without ever having finished them. The same would hold true for Clash of the Titans had I not just forked over $12.50 to see the damned thing. I'd sooner be traumatically inseminated by the recently discovered Fat Cock Rhino than suffer through this piece of shit a second time. Would I please return the 3D glasses when the movie is over? Fuck you. These glasses are the only redeeming thing I can take from the theater. In fact, I'm going to wear them around the neighborhood and beat up kids who've travel back from the year 2040, just so I can get my money's worth out of them.

For starters, I think we can all agree that the original Clash of the Titans we pretty kick ass. The special effects are crude by today's stanards sure, but there was... oh what's that thing.... the people do it... supposed to be believable... oh yeah, IT'S FUCKING CALLED ACTING. Yeah, there's none of that in this new release. For starters, the lead actor is Sam Woethington, who couldn't act himself out of a carnival sideshow if he had six cocks to play the piano with. Perhaps if he would pick one single fucking movie where he wasn't standing in front of a blue screen and talking to computer generated characters, someone could take him more seriously. To date, his biggest accomplishment is banging Maeve Dermody. Everything else he's touched has turned to shit.

Plus I'm forced to remember all the cool shit the first movie had: Bubo the metal owl, acidic Medusa blood, and that bad ass guy Calibos with the tail. You want to know who the villain in this new flick? Perseus's father. The fisherman? No not that father, the other one. Zeus? No, not that father, the other one? The king? Yeah, that one. Only he's been fried by Zeus and recruited by Hades. Oh, oh, and the giant scorpions? Remember them? Really bad ass, right? Spawned by Medusa's blood, right? The scorpions kill all of Perseus's cohorts right? WRONG. Not this time. This time the giant scorpions get tamed by magical wood people with glowing blue eyes and and everyone RIDES THE GIANT SCORPIONS TO THE RIVER STYX LIKE THEY'RE GIANT FUCKING HORSES. How bad was this movie? I -- literally -- had to make a conscious effort not to fall asleep. Seriously. It was that bad. Easily one of the worst movies ever and certainly the worst I've seen since suffering through Merc Force. Avoid at all costs. Two thumbs down. Gigli looks like Gone With The Wind compared to this piece of shit.

Hey Ernie, You make some valid points for Courtland and his pissy girlfriend. You missed a huge one though. A girl that gets that drunk usually wakes up and forgets the wonderful anal she received the night before. Also we are talking at least to sloppy BJs per nightpiss. He does deserve some major payback though. My girlfriend had an ex that used to piss the bed several times a week. Not much bothers this awesome chick; but she described it as a nightmare. The smell, the waking up to piss flying in the air, all the laundry, the smell, having to replace (thank god) the mattress and boxspring after he moved out and I moved in, the embarrassment of smelling like piss herself if she woke up late for work, and the inability to have friends or family over. Of course the biggest deciding factor is: is she hot? For every point of hotness a broad is over you that forgive 1 and only 1 batshit crazy habit. If Courtland is a 7 and she is a 9 she gets to piss in the bad AND perhaps make him "tuck" and recite nursery rhymes. Of course he could always put the bitch in a diaper and maybe pick up another fetish. PEACE, Bob

While digging around online for some new paper targets to use with my sweet new Sig P226 tactical I came across this and instantly thought of you and your love for all things zombie related. Keep up the good work! Piker

Word came in today that soccer star and world-renowned playboy Cristiano Ronaldo was seen with Kim Kardashian in Spain. The pair were apparently kissing and being very affectionate with each other. Kardashian just recently split with her boyfriend of over a year, Reggie Bush. Bush has apparently already moved on as well with singer Jessie James. But the real story here is Ronaldo. This is another Grade-A catch for him. So where does his new flame fit in with his 20 Hottest Girlfriends?

i won a trip to cancun! (not really).

the top ten strangest ways to use boobs.

the fifteen deadliest beach creatures.


April 17, 2010

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Hey Ernie. Shot this squirrel last Friday, didn't realize that he was the herd bull at the time. Upon closer inspection I was amazed at his family jewels. I have a 25 lb. dog that doesn't have a pair that big. Well I thought you might get a kick out of the pics. Enjoy, Matt

so uh, what's the rug for?

femaleparkjob - makingbabyelephants

an octopus with mild kleptomania. that is all.

with profits rebounding wall street starts hiring again.

baseketball and nine more of the greatest fictional sports ever.

fifteen celebs most often mistaken for transsexuals.

jay-z is suing big papi. not cool man, not cool.

rolledoverwaistline - ussindependence


April 16, 2010

Call Ahead For Reservations, I Dare You.

Hey guys, we're going to start off the weekend with some YouTube fun. No Rickrolls, I promise. First I present a high-def video of the Apollo-11 launch, with a terrific narrative explaining exactly what's going on. Then after a quick tribute to some pretty terrific movies, I give you old and busted: Hermione's Stalker. The new hotness: Harry Potter is a gay slut.

Well, it seems that a few of you out there didn't have any problem with Canufit's level five. How many of you? Oh you know... around 1,457 of you. Now I'm going to make an attempt to weed through those and see if I can rustle up some high scores... on the freebie level of course. And of course, notice my hat tip to the old Banyan folks out there.

And then from John at Zug: "I have done many high-risk pranks in my lifetime, coming nose-to-nose with security guards, police squads, even the FBI and the Secret Service. But I have never been so frightened for my safety as I was at the Tea Party rally in Boston, standing just a few feet away from Sarah Palin. The irony is that I don't even care for politics. I think our government's doing a pretty good job, and I accept that some people feel differently. When people get bent out of shape for left-wing or right-wing causes, I view it with the kind of bemused curiosity as watching people who feel passionate about their local sports team, or hometown macrame champion. However, there is one thing that I do take very seriously: being silly."

Hey Ernie, A few weeks ago, my girlfriend came over from the island and got really drunk with me. We came home and passed out, and in the middle of the night she got out of bed and pee'd on the floor. Sort of a sleep-peeing if you will. Well a few days ago she comes back over, we only have a few drinks with dinner and after, and she goes to sleep around 11pm. I come in at midnight and snapped this picture. The pee seeped thru my mattress onto the box spring. I steamed the mattress but now it just smells worse. Should I break up with her??? Thanks, Courtland

Should you break up with her? In a word: Fuck no. This short of thing should not be feared, but rather embraced! Consider this: the going rate for a Thai hooker to piss in a guy's mouth is 1,000 Thai Baht, or roughly $31 dollars. One guy there is willing to pay up to a maximum of 15,000 Baht per night -- that's $465! Couple that with the fact that you can buy a 2010 Chevrolet Corvette for $48,930, and with curent financial specials (0% for 36 months), your little bedwetter only has to pull three tricks a month for you to roll around in some new American muscle with more than enough money left over for a waterprood mattres pad. So the question Courtland, is not should you break up with your girlfriend for pissing in your bed, but what color Corvette are you getting?

Hi Ernie, Long time reader, first time emailer – but I thought you may have missed some of the background info on the most recent scandal facing the pope/catholic church. Turns out Ratzinger was actually personally involved in shielding heinous pedophiles from prosecution and covering up the evidence. I cant see him getting out of this one too easily, Keep up the good work! Cheers, Joe

Oh, one more... Old and busted: gun prank on an unsuspecting wife. The new hotness: gun prank on an unsuspecting hunter.

Tiger Woods Affair Tour 2010: Play as Tiger Woods and bang pornstars and cocktail waitresses, or just take out some aggression with a golf club on security guards! You must be 18 years or older to play this game.

Hey Ern, I think you posted about this woman before. Looks like she got her just desserts. 18 months in the clink! Robert

The ten hottest sideline reporters in college football. I so call dibs on Melanie Collins.

why you should always skate with a backpack.

choose two celebrity twitterers. see whose fans are dumber.

everything you wanted to know about nosejobs. w/video goodness.


April 15, 2010

Yeah, I Know Exactly How You Feel.

Let me begin this post with a big Fuck You to Bob. Okay seriously, WTF. Can anyone make it past level five. This shit is irritating. And no fucking cheating, either.

Well, I paid the piper yesterday. I usually I wait until around 8pm on the 15th, but figured why put off the inevitable? So now I'm kind of strapped for a while.No one can accuse the IRS of not being thorough. On their website, they’ve addressed some of the more common arguments that folks have made to avoid paying taxes. Most of these arguments have gone to the courts numerous times and found to be without merit. So if you don’t want to pay your taxes, you’ll have to dream up something more creative than these 10 examples. Besides, God's sense of irony is alive and well.

Old and busted: White Dog at the theatre. The new hotness: White Dog at the junk yard. I do hope they string the fuckers up though; both he black guy who cut him and the dumb fucking owner for raising his dog to be that way. I remember the first time Ike saw a black guy; it was at my going away party back in Mass. Ike went apeshit and started barking, and I spent the next twenty minutes trying to convince the guy that my dog wasn't racist. Heh.

Okay, the last time I asked you guys what's what on a recently absent celeb (Danica Patrick), Chip and Jeff offered the following:

Ernie, Danica Patrick ran some NASCAR Nationwide Series (the "B" league, with Sprint Cup being the "A" league in NASCAR) races early in the year, then she went back to her regular Indy Racing League job for their season. Once the IRL completes their schedule, she will return to the NNS later in the year and run ten more races on that circuit. That's my understanding. Hope this helps answer your question. Later, Chip

Hey Ernie, As far as I know Danica was only runnin in like 4 races at the beginning of the season and then going back to Indy cars for the big race at Indy and a few others and then coming back to her NASCAR ride. And, as for how she did in the first few races, not so well. I think she only successfully finished 1 of the races. She crashed out every other time, tho not always her fault. But honestly, she is having a really hard time adjusting to a big heavy car on narrow tires instead of the really light car on hugely wide tires. Keep up the good work and thanks for all the laughs. Jeff

And then a couple of days ago, I mentioned Cheeseburger Josh, only to receive these replies from Danny and Todd:

Ernie, Cheeseburger Josh has been identified and has quite a messed up past. He appeared on a local radio morning talk show with the guy who pinned him at Whataburger. Go to this link and read all about him and you can see his appearance on the talk show. It is a facebook group. Go figure. Thanks for the great site. Danny

Ernie, Long term reader, first time I have something to to contribute. I have to point out that the "drunken douchebag" from the Whataburger video is no longer unidentified. This incident happened here in Austin. Last week, a local morning show (KLBJ 93.7FM, "Dudley and Bob") got Josh and Joe together in the studio for a reunion and a hug. Here is a link to the station website with a video. Actually, Josh turned out to be a nice, family guy who admitted that he was drunk (it was St Patrick's Day) and being a dick. Love you, love the site. -Todd

So there you have it; you're all a bunch of fucking super sleuths. So I suppose I might as well ask what's up with Alizee? She's the little French singer that likes to shake her ass a lot when she sings. Besides, Prince Goro? Shit, I could take him out, apolcalypse or no apocalypse.

It all started as a hoax. Esquire magazine portrayed then 20-year-old Ali Larter as fictional model Allegra Coleman on the cover of a 1996 issue and sent the fashion industry buzzing over who it really was. Turns out she’s a Jersey girl, and soon the imaginary creation ignited Ali’s career with some brief appearances on TV. She showed her range in comedies like “Varsity Blues” and “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back,” and now she’s a regular on NBC’s hit series “Heroes,” as well as enjoying being voted in the top 10 of Maxim’s Hot 100 for 2007. Ali admits she falls in love with all her male co-stars, so build up those acting chops. Hell, if she can gaze into Dawson’s eyes and find love, she doesn’t know what she’s missing. [sfw ali larter gallery] [nsfw ali larter gallery]

sex offenders who look like celebrities.

twenty-one girls making their friends invisible.

busted! one-hundred celebrities arrested for drug possession.


April 14, 2010

Once Again The Gods Spread Cheeks And Ram Cock In Ass.

Remember that nice new air conditioning system I had to buy? The one that should earn me a $1,500 tax credit because it's a super energy effecient SEER 16 system? Guess what. It can't be applied towards self-emplyment taxes. Translation: Cock in Ass. I have to eat the whole fucking thing.

Most Sox fans, and moviegoers, are aware that Sweet Caroline is played as often at Fenway Park as The Star-Spangled Banner. But very few people know the reason why. "I'm not sure how it started, but we're very pleased that it happened," Diamond's press agent, Sherrie Levy, said. The song itself was born out of humble beginnings, written in less than an hour by Diamond in a Memphis hotel room the day before a recording session. It debuted as a single on June 28, 1969. Sweet Caroline eventually reached #4 on the Billboard chart and over two million copies of the song were sold. But how did it become the 8th inning anthem at Fenway Park, where annual attendance easily tops two million folks? Legend has it that former Red Sox public address announcer Ed Brickley requested the song to be played as a tribute to the appropriately named newborn daughter of Billy Fitzpatrick, who worked in the Fenway Park control room for 20 years. In reality, the song got its start at Fenway Park thanks to Amy Tobey, who was the ballpark’s music director from 1998 to 2004. She was responsible for choosing the music to be played between innings and picked Sweet Caroline simply because she had heard it played at other sporting events. At first, Tobey played the song at random games sometime between the seventh and ninth innings, and only if the Red Sox were ahead. Tobey considered the song a good luck charm and it soon became something the fans anticipated. But it wasn’t until 2002, when John Henry’s group bought the Red Sox, that Sweet Caroline become an official Fenway tradition. That’s when the new ownership requested that Tobey play the song during the eighth inning of every game. But for some reason, Todd the TA does not dig his Sweet Caroline.

A little technical up till about the two minute mark... but very thought provoking to watch. Steven

Kind of makes you take a long hard look at your life, eh? Oddly enough I was considering something quite similar just the other day. Not that I live the most death defying life but I suppose there are a lot of convenient ways I could cash out: car accident, heart attack, accidental shooting... or most likely, getting squashed between two trucks while riding motorcycle. What would happen? Eh, my friends and family would be sad for awhile, sure. My stuff gets divided up. The website goes unupdated. Maybe some people dont make it home for Christmas. But in the grand scheme of things... big whoop? The world existed long before ERBS and most presumably will exist long after. I don't fucking know how, but I suppose it's possible. I'll just have to be content with immortality via the Internet Wayback Machine.

Old and busted: Standing Cat. The new hotness: Mariachi Cat.

Ernie, want to crash your server? Post this link and ask for comments. I ain’t Catholic, but I’m not out to fry “the church” either. Anyway you look at it, if you stop fucking little boys, maybe this shit wouldn’t happen.----Martin

Nobody likes to pick on organized religion like I do, but even I don't understand the point in going after the church heirarchy unless they're directly responsible for molesting a kid or protecting someone who has. But singling out the Pope just because he's the HMFIC? Eh, seems like wasted effort to me. Besides, the Catholic church has more important things to worry about than diddling little boys.

With the Insane Clown Posse’s new video Miracles getting everybody talking, let’s watch this classic interview with Fox News host Bill O’Reilly.

ten kick-ass gadgets coming in 2010.

who needs a purple heart when you get points?

bar refaeli's interview with the boys from jersey shore.


April 13, 2010

I Presume That's How They Make The Little At-At Scouts?

Trust me, you're gonna want to watch this Star Wars teaser trailer when you're either high or drunk.

Remember the 'Cheeseburger Josh' video of the drunken scuffle at Whataburger? While the drunken douchebag remains unidentified, this video addresses the incident from the good guy's point of view. Joe returns to the scene of the incident and recounts the events of that fateful evening.

Hey does anyone know if Christina Hendrick's rack is real or not? I only ask because someone compiled a list of the most spectacular natural tits in Hollywood and surprise the winner isn't Scarlett Johansen with her 34DDs, but Kim Kardashian's 32DD prizewinners. That kind of threw me off because she's knowing for having a big ass, not huge cans. But then once you factor in implants who have enhanced what God gave them, it's a whole nother playing field, right? They say that if Barbie were real, her measurements would be 36-18-33. If I had to guess, the closest thing that we have walking around is the post-enhancement Heidi Montag? She started out as an an A-cup on a 100-lb frame, then went to a C-cup, and now a DD, bringing her in company with Johansen and Kardashian. Plastic or not, I don't give a shit what you say, she sure as hell can fill out her bikini.

An Eagle chasing a radio controlled airplane on Whidbey Island, Washington State. Laurence

Hi Ern, Maybe you can use this. Keep up the good work! Barney, South Africa

A picture is worth a thousand words ... Bob

I know you like pictures of dumb-asses, so when I saw this SUV in San Diego, CA I took a snapshot with my iPhone. Note the license plate after you read the message on the window. Sean

"Well, the telling of jokes is an art of its own, and it always rises from some emotional threat. The best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful." Kurt Vonnegut (1922 - 2007). Thus, after surviving the Battle of the Bulge, captivity by the Nazis, a firestorm that reduced a city to "the surface of the Moon" and hard-labor digging mass-graves for the Germans at Dresden, Kurt Vonnegut returned to the U.S. to receive the Purple Heart for what he described as a "ludicrously negligible wound," and eventually wrote a dark comedy about the whole episode (Slaughterhouse-Five).

Old and busted: Mega Shark with Debbie Gibson. The new hotness: Mega Piranha with Tiffany. And no, I'm not making that up. On the plus side, Tiffany did pose for Playboy back in 2002.

the ten craziest michele bachmann quotes.

obama throws like a girl? bullshit, girls throw better.

be envied by every boy in town... how to get a big dick for free!


April 12, 2010

Does She Look A Little Like Michael Jackson's Smooth Criminal To You??

Even after all of Toyota's woes, the five worst new vehicles on the road are all American, and three are from General Motors. Shouldn't we kind of do something about that? Just sayin.

Hey you know those beautiful sandy white beaches you love so much? Turns out you're sitting on Humphead Parrotfish crap. They're fish with jaws so powerful they can BITE THROUGH ROCK.

Long gone are the days of Father John Patrick Francis Mulcahy. To note, one of my favorite Father Mulcahy episodes was "Holy Mess" where he insisted on offering sanctuary to an AWOL soldier in the mess hall, because it was his church. I tried to find a clip of it that wasn't all douchebagged up with graphics and soundtracks, but alas, this was the best I could do. So when I first read this article about his the Catholic church was actually fighting a proposed bill that would remove the statute of limitations on child molestation, I was fucking appalled. And then I remembered, "Hey, It's the Catholic Church!" and then it made sense. They're really not doing too much to help their public image, are they.

Knowing you are an animal lover, I thought you might like this one. Jack

"His owners say they know who shot their dog and they are meeting with Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office investigators Friday." Uh-oh. Looks like somoene is going to be a guest of Sheriff Joe. Good, fuck em. I hope they get what they deserve. But I suppose for every human that harms an animal, there's an animal that harms a human, right? High hormone levels in dairy milk have been blamed for girls reaching early puberty and increased breast size. So can someone tell me what the fuck happened to this girl?

Ernie – Hello. A fan from Minnesota here. I’m a former enlisted USAF, then I was commissioned. I separated in 2007 as a Captain – I worked supply and logistics. Anyway, here’s a current news story that I figure is up your alley. From Fox News – “Member of Unit Linked to 'Dirty Dozen' Dies in Pennsylvania” And here's a wikipedia on the Filthy Thirteen. I kind of feel like an idiot, because I have read a lot of history regarding the airborne in WWII and the Bulge. But, I don’t think I realized that Lee Marvin movie was loosely based on a true story… Thanks for the great pictures of trim… Jon

Many moons ago, I featured an article on Project Excelsior, which was a late 1950's/early 1960's Air Force project establish to study high altitude parachute jumps. In his final and highest dive, Joseph Kittinger actually lost the use of his right hand during the decent, when his spacesuit failed. Rather than cry about it like a little pussy, he kept his mouth shut and pressed onward and upward, finally stepping off his balloon gondola at 102,800 feet, beginning his four and a half minute fall back to Earth. He did this not in the name of glory or adrenaline, but for science and to further provide for the safety of his fellow Airmen. So when Felix Baumgartner attempt to break this world record by jumping from 105,000 feet with his big bright RED BULL spacesuit on, hoping to be the first man to break the sound barrier in a freefall, I honestly and sincerely hope that it costs him his life. Nothing would make me happier than to see this guy hit the ground at exactly 759 miles an hour.

Big Ern, Greek pole vaulter, Erika Prezerakou. Never heard of her? Well, now you have... Quite possibly the epitome of the female ass... My jaw hit the floor when I saw these... I'm in love... Trey

David Ortiz’ recent profanity-laced tantrum with the Boston media isn’t his first meltdown, and if he continues to hit poorly, Big Papi’s spoiled inner child will certainly rear his ugly head once again. Yet Big Papi isn’t the only head case roaming the diamonds of America’s pastime.

jesse james continues to show how we will never be quite as cool as he is.

the a-z guide of survival in the event of the zombie apocalypse.

hotquest girl of the day: little shannon


April 10, 2010

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Hey Ernie, I read your bitching about home repairs. I have more than I care to list, and the Missus decided to add a few new ones. Two days ago, while I was at work, this fire mysteriously started near our firepit. Since the whole backyard is covered in pinestraw, it went up like a can of gasoline. Sadly, I lost my canoe. Oh well. At least it was contained to the backyard. Steve

ten things auto insurers won't tell you.

an army drill instructor critiques obama's salutes.

norton i: the first and only emperor of the united states.

-->> EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT FILING YOUR GOVMINT TAXES <<--

fifteen of the hottest women to ever get cheated on say NO to anal sex.

six movie plots made possible by ridiculous understaffing.

abcdefuck - daddyfuckedme - dogskeptonalead - pbrburner - pineapplejuice - ruffles

tummy tuck surgery in ten minutes. not safe for lunch.


April 9, 2010

American Dream, My Ass.

You know, they say that owning your own home is the American Dream, but I'm here to tell you that sometimes that fucking dream can be a nightmare. Last year if you recall, I had my air conditioning company replace my outside condenser unit with a used unit, so I could limp through the summer without getting cornholed for a new system. So earlier this month when they showed up for their annual tune up, and more rust and mold fell out of the inside air handler than falls out from under my truck every time I close the hood -- that's a lot, trust me -- well I knew it was time to bite the bullet. And bite I did, only I'm kind of glad I waited because I get a $1,500 tax creditsince I bought a more effecient 16 SEER system. The one I replaced was an ten year old 11 SEER unit so I'm hoping this new system will knock about $40-$50 off the a/c portion of my electric bills this summer. The air coming out of my air ducts now is about 50-52 degrees, compared to 65-67 with the old system. Huge difference. Das is goot.

But here's a list of other items needing some attention around casa del'Ernie: one toilet has a fucked up flapper and you have to hold the handle down otherwise is cuts off mid flush. There's an itty bitty teeny tiny leak in some pipe behind that toilet and the wallboard is a bit damp. I have to take an axe to the roots that have grown 6" over the height of the sidewalk and drop stones eveywehere. The roof needs powerwashing. And that's after I repatched a leaky portion roof seam that I evidently did a shitty job patching last year. The compressor in my refrigerator is starting to get a nice high pitched whine to it. The (very infrequently used) stationary tub in my garage has some plumbing issue where the water perssure comes out around the same as a grade school water fountain. The nylon wheels in the bottom of my sliding glass doors need to be replaced. My pool is semi-green after my automatic chlorinator got plugged up; I cleaned that out two days ago. And finally, the handle on thr master-bath shower is loose and the allen head bolt to tighten it is stripped. So let there be something said for renting.

Old and busted: The 400 horsepower Pontiac GTO. The new hotness: The 670 horsepower Ferrari 599 GTO.

Big Ern, I was fiddling around this morning, trying to waste time at work and came across this. Hail to the king, baby! Thank you for all your hard work and dedication to make our days a little bit brighter. You are appreciated. Trey

RE: the video. I have watched it several times. I am sorry but from their standpoint the guys the they were hanging out with were armed. I have to take Mark at his word because he is there. I have many of friends I used to work with who are now working as contractors telling me that the media is not telling the truth. Keep up the good work. Dean the douchebag

The Lying Down Game is an Internet meme typically involving individuals having their photograph taken whilst lying rigidly face down. Two aims of the challenge are that the participants should lay down in as public a place as possible, with as many people as possible involved. Participants should have the palm of their hands held against their sides and their toes touching the ground. No location is out of bounds and a disregard for personal safety can give extra kudos. In September 2009, it was reported that seven NHS staff members at Swindon's Great Western Hospital were under investigation and facing possible dismissal after they posted pictures of themselves on Facebook participating in the Lying Down Game on the hospital's resuscitation trolleys, ward floors and the Wiltshire Air Ambulance helipad. They currently have over 18,000 entries in their Facebook photos section

Pictures from the latest launch. My friends at Disney confirmed the ones over Magic Kingdom are genuine. TJ

While born in Moscow, Nastia Liukin was the 2008 Olympic individual, all-around gold medalist for the American team, but that's not why she's in the news. It's been rumored that she's dating fellow Olympic gold medalist Evan Lysachek, which has everyone's curiosity piqued. Not only that, but the 21-year-old is pretty cute. So with all of the mystery surrounding her, I thought I would do everyone a favor and pull together a collection of her hottest pictures on the internet.

die-hard drivers: 200,000+ miles.

sophie monk sure can pick a sexy bikini.

body quiz: the parts list. parts 2 and 3 also.

the eight most annoying facebook event invitations.


April 8, 2010

Is That What They Mean When They Say Let Your Freak Flag Fly?

I think I may have mentioned before that my absolute most favorite Medal of Honor story is that of Roy P. Benavidez. I dunno, maybe because he did everything on May 2nd (my birthday) or because the guy survived 37 separate bayonet, bullet and shrapnel wounds. Either way, Tango Mike Mike is the story of Benavidez and his heroic action in Vietnam that earned him the Medal of Honor.

Anyone else getting into the new V? I don't know if its because of nostalgia for the original series from the 80s, or if its because I've always had a chubby for Elizabeth Mitchell ever since I saw her in Gia. One weak point though? Morena Baccarin as the lead visitor. Eh, she doesn't do it for me. Needs bigger tits I think. And while there aren't any photos of her daughter topless yet -- played by Laura Vandervoort -- I will admit she sure can fill out a bikini. And you know, I would like to see how they conclude this series, so I hope the rumors about it being cancelled are false.

Quip Text was a popular iPhone application which could be used for sending pics cheaply. As it turned out later, most of the pictures were nude or semi-nude camera photos from the phone. Back in November last year it was posted on Digg.com that these pictures was actually accessible for everybody - not just the sender and receiver of the iPhone photos! For several months this went practically unnoticed by anyone else but the most alert nerds, who had fun with watching random strangers private iPhone pictures.

Two people I haven't heard much about lately. First, what ever happened to Epic Beard Man? There's a domain set up in his name but from what I can gather it's not associated with him directly. And then there were mumbles of a rematch on pay-per-view? Anyone know what's up? And secondly, Danica Patrick. Left Indy, went to NASCAR... and then what? Anything?

Ernie, Looong time visitor to your site. Had a nuisance gator this morning in my neighbors back yard in Tampa, Fl. Hope to catch the larger one tomorrow that’s still in the canal.[one - two] - Bob

Bob, I shit you not, I'm a little jealous. I've lived here in Florida for a little over four years and I've only seen one -- count them, motherfuckers -- one alligator. And he was at Disney and was about three feet long. Not that I really should complain, given that I have two value-meal sized dogs running around but fuck man, I just wanna see a fucking alligator!

Sure getting paid to have sex with strangers sounds fun, until you realize the strangers' ages range anywhere from 18 to 89.

Did you know that a few porn games were released without Nintendo's permission including: Bubble Bath Babes, Hot Slots and Peek-a-boo Poker. These rare games are now worth up to $1,000 a piece!

denver post presents: opening day.

popular science releases 137 years of archives.


April 7, 2010

You Heard The Man, Put The Goat Down.

I smell bullshit! And no, not what Jesse supposedly wiped on Sandra's lip. For the simple reason that if she were willing to do all that depraved shit, there's no way he'd have cheated on her. Of course Bullock denies its existance, but in my opinion she doesn't have to; the very fact that he banged Bombshell negates the very possibility of a sex tape. There, case closed.

This is five year old Joshua Sacco delivering Herb Brooks' "Miracle" speech at the 2010 opening day at Fenway Park for the Red Sox vs. Yankees game. Hockey, baseball, either way. Rumor has it, this is Joshua as a baby.

Hi Ernie, I don't know how or why, but this video was leaked to people in Iceland, and now there is a flap over it. Some people just need to realize, that war is hell, and the professionals who conduct war are not bleeding hearts who are going to wax poetically while doing the business of killing. Although it is unfortunate what happened, IT'S A FUCKING WAR ZONE. And it's not wise to poke a camera around the corner of a building aimed at US troops. And if you bring your kids into a war zone, hey guess what? They might get killed! But I guess it's easy to be a critic in Iceland when you have no reason for national defense, military, etc since the US takes care of all that for you. Cheers, Charley. Los Angeles

Good news ladies, now you'll have extra time to spend in the kitchen. But me thinks you'll still have to do the ironing for a while longer.

Sure, Deloreans are cool. Hovercrafts are cool, too. But a Delorean hovercraft? Now that's plain awesome. But old campers? Not so cool.

I don't know what you're looking at, but on either version, you obviously see two insurgents carrying around AK-47s, for certain, possibly four insurgents. What the fuck is the big deal? Either A: Reporters were tagging along with a bunch of insurgents, or B: reporters were working WITH insurgents. Am I missing something here? Kick this question out to your military readers, and see what the ROE on this one is. Dusty

The 10 most idiotic athletes with guns. They all have something in common, I just can't place my finger on what. Any ideas?

Again, I fucking hate talking on the phone, so when these guys set out to act like their girlfriends, they really nailed the phone conversation part.

Hi Ernie. Long time reader! And I have sent you several pictures that I took while a contractor in Iraq for three years under my old email address. While watching the gun cam of the journalists getting hit I can not help but get upset at Wikileaks for highlighting the two cameraman several times and totally ignoring the two men with weapons. (Time stamp 3:47 - Ernie says: AH HA!) If you stop it you will see one clearly has an RPG and directly behind him clearly has an AK47. I have seen enough of them shot at me while driving fuel convoys to know. Why didnt Wikileaks highlight those people? Oh wait then the Army would have been right........ Those "journalists" were walking and talking with the insurgents to make a profit by selling the pictures of them attacking American soldiers. And they got what they deserved. Mark

The team at Rooster Teeth Labs try to make their real lives more like video games. In this initial installment, they recreate a video game car in the real world. Don't worry, things turned out better than they did for this guy. But not as good as the guy who cracked his iPad in twenty-four hours.

Remember the guy who tried to pay a bill with a drawing of a spider? He's on Chatroulette and while he's entertaining, he's still not as cool as the eight year old. But you shoudl get your fat ass up from the computer and get some exercise.

how to find the most expensive flight.

what the top u.s. companies pay in taxes.

water bouncing on super-hydrophobic surface.

the world's first and only truly free adult megasite. NSFW.


April 6, 2010

Well It's Their Fault For Bringing Their Kids Into A Battle.

Yes I've seen the video, and no, I don't really care. For starters, when the condensed version of things is almost eighteen minutes long, you know you're in for a lot of what-if Monday morning quarterbacking. And to be honest, I didn't watch the video in its entirety, I kind of skipped forward past the sleepy parts. Sum it up like this: Army guys on the ground get shot at. Army helicopters respond. Army helicopters find group of insurgents walking out in the open. Army helicopters notice some of these insurgents are carrying rifles and a rocket-propelled grenade. Army helicopter blows the shit out of everyone on the ground. One insurgent is wounded but survived the attack. Van shows up to help the one wounded insurgent. Army helicopter blows the shit out of the van. Army ground vehicles arrive. They notice surviving insurgents escaped into an abandoned building. Army helicopter blows the shit out of the building.

The end.

Except the people on the ground weren't insurgents, they were civilians. And the guy who survived the initial attack was one of two Reuters reporters in the group. And the van that shows up to help him had two kids inside. So yeah, needless to say that cast some negative light upon the events of July 12, 2007.

If you read the timeline, it's a little misleading and paints the American forces as being quite reckless and quick to pull the trigger without regard for human life. So if you can't spare the forty minutes to watch the entire video, take a few minutes to skim the transcript and you'll see our guys did what they were supposed to do in regards to identifying (what they thought were) their targets and requesting permission to engage. So for those that say this was no more than cold blooded murder, I say you're fucking idiots. Mistaken identity, sure. A tragedy, sure. A reason to revist the move towards modern warfare fought with infrared cameras and away from having boots on the ground and eyes on target? Maybe. But murder, no. The big SNAFU here is when Uncle Sam tried to cover this shit up -- "Uhhhhhhhh, reporters? What reporters?" -- instead of just coming clean with a quick, "Hey from 2,000 feet, your camera looks like an rocket-propelled grenade, LOL."

But I will say this. It's tough to tell someone, "We fought to free you, you're free, you're free, go enjoy your freedom!" And then, "Oh by the way, if you walk outside carrying anything that looks even remotely like a weapon, we'll blow the shit out of you without warning." Eh, I'm not sure that's the message we intended to send.

Besides, the next thing you know someone will be trying to convince you that the shootout at the end of The Good, The Bad, and The ugly didn't really happen. Hogwash.

We've got a few Happy Birthdays this morning. Bob Marley would have been 65 today, had it not been for his big toe. George Reeves, the original Superman, would have been 96 today had it not been for the 9mm pistol he put to his head. And Coco's enormous ass turns 31 today! Too bad Ice-T don't do wee no more. he knows the real trick. Fuck the weed dealers. Fuck the cocaine dealers. Fuck the heroin dealers. And the shrooms, and acid and everything else. He's going to the fucking dentist.

Unless you've spent the last couple of years immersing yourself in teen comedies such as "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" and regrettable sitcoms such as "What I Like About You" and "Hope & Faith," you probably don't have any idea who Megan Fox is -- but if Michael Bay has his way, that's all about to change. Fox is the female lead in Bay's 2007 summer blockbuster, "Transformers," giving grown-up fanboys one more reason to shell out for tickets. She isn't as shiny as Optimus Prime, but then again, Prime doesn't look this good in tight clothes, does he?

the top seven b-movie actors who deserved an oscar. cough, cough, BRUCE CAMPBELL , cough, cough...

tracking a century of american eating - a.k.a. "holy shit, cholesterol causes what now?"

thirty-three days across wrangell st elias national park: the southern spiral.

the fifteen most ridiculous things people buy for their pets.


April 5, 2010

Here's To Opening Day.

Here's to the beer vendor who picks the perfect time to walk by and knows you personally by the end of the season, along with the hot dog vendor who knows to come back after your first purchase. Here's to well deserved and long overdue World Series banners. Here's to the obnoxious fan who screams what everyone is thinking, and the outfielder who turns around to laugh at him. Here's to green grass cut ever so perfectly. Here's to having a civilized conversation with a rival fan only to punch them in the fucking face four innings later. Here's to the seventh inning stretch. Here's to peanuts, Cracker Jacks, and those who are confused as to why sushi is sold at Los Angeles baseball games. Here's to those who clean up the pile of peanut shells they leave behind. Better yet, here's to the freak ones that have three peanuts in them. Here's to girls in baseball caps. Here's to Heidi Hamels. God, I love the Red Sox.

Good story line and some staggering statistics on the Vietnam War. Bill

In case anyone is wondering, the stats start around 1:20. There are 390 Vietnam Veterans dying each day. Wow. And we all know about Agent Orange, but who knew there was such a thing as Agent Purple? That's some pretty scary shit.

Southern girls: trashy vs classy.

This guy's a lucky bastard. Went from being dumped and moving back with his folks to making a TV show and William Shatner playing his Dad. I wish him the best of luck. Dave

Yep, posted that one before when they announced the television show. Which by the way, I originally thought was going to suck but then received lots of cool points for their Shatner pick. But my question is this: how the fuck are they going to write an entire show based soley around a few one-liners? Assuming it's a half an hour show, that's twenty minutes of actual material. Saying one of the Dad's lines takes what... fifteen seconds? So the other nineteen minutes and forty-five seconds, we get what?

Good news everyone, Pharmaceutical company GlaxoSmithKline has updated the package insert for its restless legs syndrome drug "Requip". According to the new insert, Requip may cause “pathological gambling” and “increased libido including hypersexuality.” I wonder when Jose Cuervo is going to put the same warning on their tequila?

Ernie, We went to the Memphis Zoo recently and saw a new exhibit. Outside that part of the zoo were several large metal sculptures of various animals found in the Rockies area of the USA. My daughter agreed to have her picture taken doing this after she commented on the fact that the Elk sculpture was anatomically correct. This is the resulting picture. Thought you might get a kick out of it. Mike

Ernie, I'm a HUGE fan of the site, have been for years! Anyway, here is a video my buddy took of some guy passed out on the toilet at a local pizzeria, and the cops going in after him. Enjoy. Stras

A cameraman filming Baltimore Ravens training camp gets hit right in the jim-dandies with a football thrown by Joe Flacco

the timeless wisdom of one thomas magnum.

the 'john tv' with the prostitutes? got its own website.

donkeys and elephants. ten people responsible for the financial crisis.


April 3, 2010

Insert Your Favorite Easter Weekend Joke Here.

awww, two adorably trained puppies.

jessica burciaga's greatest hand bras of all-time.

well, looks like parental responsibility isn't completely dead.

how a biotech company almost killed the whole world. with booze.

is it me, or does kat dennings have the most awesome 'come fuck me' eyes ever?

desert tortoise, four-stroke engine, topol-m icmb, and the mil mi-26.

women who cheat versus women who've been cheated on.

DO NOT CLICK THIS - jesustadah - unicornpicture


April 2, 2010

And I Suppose Gays Should Use The Back Door.

Okay is it me, or did Anna Paquin suddenly get a little hotter? Even with those teeth you could drive a fucking truck through. Besides, what's the big deal? All girls are bisexual if you give them enough booze. And while I'm not gay, I suppose if I were I'd be willing to catch for Bradley Cooper, who plays Face in the upcoming A-Team flick. And please don't park in the handicapped spot.

Natalie Anne Gulbis is an American professional golfer who plays on the U.S.-based LPGA Tour. Gulbis started finding interest in the game at the early age of 3-1/2. By the time she reached 7 years old she had won her first tournament. In three years, at age 10, she was breaking par (bitch.). She is considered to be a sex symbol in the LPGA. She released a 2005 calendar, just before the 2004 U.S. Women's Open, which featured her not only playing golf, but also in striking poses in swimwear. And to be honest I got a little pissy when she only ranked #3 in the Top 25 hottest female golfers. But then I saw their number one choice, Blair O'Neal, and I was like, "oh."

This has got to be the biggest 'fish tale' ever! I got a call today from a good friend, Jeff. He is an old hunting buddy and he also happens to enjoy fly fishing with his wife Mimi. This weekend he and his wife decided to head up to the White Mountains for a little trout fishing. As the day wore on, Mimi got cold in her fishing tube and decided to head out to the truck to warm up a bit. When she was leaving the lake the brush behind Jeff started crashing and creaking with the sounds of an animal coming to water in the afternoon. To Jeff's surprise less than a hundred yards away a bull elk appeared and walked out into the water to cool off and drink. The bull had a nice rack but appeared emaciated. The farther the bull went in to the water the closer he got to Jeff in his tube. The bull would stick his head under water and surface again and didn't seem to mind Jeff's presence. Odd behavior for this time of year for sure! Jeff was enjoying this site and relishing the moment, until one of the bull's dunks seemed to take too long. Curious, Jeff paddled over to the bull which had now been submerged for a very long time. He could see the bulls head and his eyes were open, but he was not moving. Jeff got close enough to hit it on the back several times with his fly rod Convinced that something had gone wrong Jeff grabbed the bull by the horns (no pun intended) and sure enough, the bull had drowned! Amazed at the whole ordeal Jeff grabbed an antler and paddled for the shore. After pulling the bull on to the shore, Jeff called the Game and Fish Dept. and waited for an officer to arrive. It turns out the bull had an old compound fracture between the right hock and knee. Infection had set in and was rampant throughout the bull's body. The game officer said that under these conditions the animal runs a high fever and stays close to water all day to go in and cool off. Unfortunately during this last 'cooling session' he had finally run out of energy to swim, and drowned. Jeff was allowed to keep the rack and was issued a tag for it. The meat however was full of bacteria and was a loss. Although the bull has yet to be measured, I estimate it will be in the 320 - 330 range ... just goes to show those big magnums are not always necessary! Rocky

Jesse James (married) parties with two models and he gets divorced. 50-Cent (single) parties with two models and gets handed $75k. See, this is why rich and famopus male celebs shouldn't get married. A bunch of people sent this video in. The school performance of Scarface as done by 2nd graders. Eh, not great, not horrible. But I am shocked that none of the parents got their panties in a wad over it.

Hey Ernie, I just wanted to pass this along to you in case you havent seen it yet. Some really creepy stuff on here. your friend, Steve

Dumb Ass Pirates ......... Buy a Flashlight! Greg

Old and busted: Health care bill. The new hotness: Health care bill... FOR VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS. Send my little blue friend back to work.

april fools 2010: the definitive list - and another.

finally. someone understands how i feel about emma watson.


April 1, 2010

Do You Know How Hard It Is To Find A Good April Fools Picture?

Kudos to you, Bill O'Reilly, kudos to you. And that article was written yesterday, and even the Lefties are reporting the same, so no I don't think it's an April Fools joke. Now, a defensive lineman announcing that he will pull a tractor-trailer across the field to get the attention of NFL scouts? That I'm not so sure. But I suppose pulling a truck is better than pulling your trainer and DISLOCATING HER ELBOW AND KNEE before pretty much body slamming her to death. Yep, that's why they call em killer whales, kids.

WARNING: GRUESOME LAWNMOWER ACCIDENT. Guy cutting his grass almost gets his leg cut off.

As far as online April Fools jokes go, I'm not sure there's anything left for anyone to do. Back when his site was in the top 1,000, Stile turned his (NSFW) site over to mock hackers. Then Youtube linked every video to a Rick Roll, and last year did upside-down day. A few years back, Fark had every link go to their famous squirrel nuts. Then Rotten claimed they were shut down by the FBI. Last year I did the entire site in hot pink. Eh, I think everything can be pulled off has been pulled off. Shy of putting my dick on the internet, I just don't know if there are any good April Fools pranks left.

Ernie: You seem to value my occasional contributions and I hope this one is valued also: I love "God Hated Kittens". (Although you may see it that way.) I have to respectfully depart from you on the Supreme Court taking the Phelps case. As much as I loath Fred Phelps and his ilk, if he has no freedom of speech, neither do you or I. I have to believe our servicepeople gave their lives and suffered injuries to protect the Constitution, the very Constitution that gives FP the right to be offensive. Any restrictions by law or the Supremes berates their sacrifice. Freedom of speech isn't a popularity contest and isn't always pretty. Joe

Uncle Ernie, Not sure if you've posted this but I thought you might be interested. It's a speech given by Fred Phelps's (estranged) son who left his father's group and describes what it was like growing up in that family. Keep up the good work. -M

Hi Ernie, long time reader, and I was reading todays posts about Fred Phelps, we learned of him a few years ago when he was protesting the funeral of one of our friends that was killed in Iraq. At that time we learned of a group called Patriot Guard Riders, they are a group of bikers that get together when ever Fred decides to picket a fallen soldier, we have members in every state, and a lot will come from out of state, at the funeral of my friends, we had over 500 bikers from all over Colorado and Utah, and a few from Nevada, they encircle the funeral and carry flags, basically blocking the Phelps crew from view of the family. It was the most somber thing I ever had a part in. The local highschool had the funeral and we circled the whole school, with over 300 flags flying. The Phelps people were only about 15 strong. The Patriot Guard Riders are instructed to turn there backs to the Phelps people, and ignore them, it was hard, but then they start saying the pledge of allegiance, over and over, and louder and louder, to drown out the Phelps people. it was incredible. We did have a local outlaw biker gang of about 30 try to go over and confront them, but we shut that down. We do everything by the book, and no violence is allowed, we don’t even recognize the Phelps, our backs are against them at all times. Like I said, it was the most incredible thing I have ever done, and have done at least 20 of them since. You need to check out the Patriot Guard website, and join if you wish, you don’t need to be a biker, or even own a bike to be a member, and its free to join, I have over 100 pics of the first one I attended, but am having trouble locating them, But I did find one, and I'll attach it to this E-mail. I hope you can get this Group of riders out to your audience, they could sure use your support,Tim

And as if women around the world needed one more reason to hate Alessandra Ambrosio, your wish is my command. Of course everyone is wondering what rigorous work out regiment the supermodel endured to get her post-baby body back. It was yoga. Once a week. Think about that while you're enjoying your dry salad.

Hey Ernie. Living in Toronto I had never heard of Fred Phelps. But I have now. After reading your vitriolic blog about this individual, I had to check out the video link from one of your contributors. I couldn't believe my ears! You have a certifiably insane, dangerous, religious maniac wandering around in your midst. I'm a Canadian who is proud to call the USA my friend, and thankfully know from my dozens of acquaintances and friends there that you folks are too savvy and sophisticated to be tempted by this drivel on any large scale. It would be a very grey world were it not for the First Amendment, but I'm reasonably certain that it was not intended to include what could argueably be called hate mongering. But 'sedition' would certainly fit. The dictionary defines sedition as 'Incitement of discontent or rebellion against a government' Surely this asshole qualifies for the first, which has been known to give birth to the second on occasions. But whatever you do, please find some way to shut this madman up for good. Not the church...just him. Russ. Toronto.

I was born and raised in Topeka and am embarrased that Fred is the only thing we have to offer the national media. He is a blight on our town. As to why noone has tried to off this motherfucker is simple. He has a cult following and it would simply make him a martyr and add fuel to the sadistic fire that burns in the congregation. Several of the family members are attorneys and work the legal system in a way that would make Johnny Cochran blush. Several attempts have been made on his life; obviously unsuccessful. I think a just and poetic end to his life would be to have a couple of pipe hitting brothers turn his ass in to their own personal playground but alas, no such luck. Signed Toto

Firstly, thank you very much for the website and all the work you put into it for all of us. I appreciate it very much. I keep coming back and looking at that picture of the young girl standing on the flag, holding that sign. Personally, I feel having her do that makes Phelps, et al guilty of child abuse. Kinda doubt I'm in a minority on that. Intellectually I understand that our right to free speech makes it possible for the Phelp's of our country to say and demonstrate what they believe, or at least profess to believe. However, I don't think I could deal with it if personally faced with the actual acts. Knowing that it would cost, knowing that I would be playing into his hands, I still don't think I could keep from punching that douche. I'm a VN vet and the proud father of a son currently headed to infantry training in Ft Benning, so I'm not unbiased. Keep doing what you do for this country's serving sons and daughters. Michael

While I do find some merit in what Joe has to say, "...Any restrictions by law or the Supremes berates their sacrifice..." some how I just can't wrap my head around Fred Phelps. When part of your business model is literally to provoke and sue... something has to be done, somebody has to step in. There's a differnce between holding up a sign that reads, "OUR PRESIDENT SUCKS!" or publishing a dirty cartoon about Jerry Falwell, and standing at a person's funeral, pointing a finger and shouting to their family, "You, your son is in hell." And listen, I'm all fucking for free speech -- Christ I make my living from posting offensive shit. But a curiously good natured lawyer once told me, "Too many people try to use the First Ammendment as a sword, when it was meant to be a shield." Yes Kirk, that was you. And I think that's the case with Phelps and the WBC.

Barbara Ann Billard is a 5'8'' gal from Austin, Texas whose worldwide fan base is growing exponentially by the day. The one-time WWE Developmental Diva, better known to her legion of fans as "Bobbi Billard," received rave reviews for her performance as Anna Nicole Smith on the VH-1 show "Famous Crime Scene."

And yes, I made you waste ten minutes of your life watching a guy mow his lawn. April Fools, asshole. And don't click this, either.

watch ten hot girls prank ten dumb guys.

boeing's comparison between their ch-47 and mil mi-26.

hint: an mil mi-26 had to rescue two downed ch-47s in afghanistan.

one-hundred and sixty of the greatest arnold schwarzenegger quotes.


April 3, 2010

Insert Your Favorite Easter Weekend Joke Here.

awww, two adorably trained puppies.

jessica burciaga's greatest hand bras of all-time.

well, looks like parental responsibility isn't completely dead.

how a biotech company almost killed the whole world. with booze.

is it me, or does kat dennings have the most awesome 'come fuck me' eyes ever?

desert tortoise, four-stroke engine, topol-m icmb, and the mil mi-26.

women who cheat versus women who've been cheated on.

DO NOT CLICK THIS - jesustadah - unicornpicture


April 2, 2010

And I Suppose Gays Should Use The Back Door.

Okay is it me, or did Anna Paquin suddenly get a little hotter? Even with those teeth you could drive a fucking truck through. Besides, what's the big deal? All girls are bisexual if you give them enough booze. And while I'm not gay, I suppose if I were I'd be willing to catch for Bradley Cooper, who plays Face in the upcoming A-Team flick. And please don't park in the handicapped spot.

Natalie Anne Gulbis is an American professional golfer who plays on the U.S.-based LPGA Tour. Gulbis started finding interest in the game at the early age of 3-1/2. By the time she reached 7 years old she had won her first tournament. In three years, at age 10, she was breaking par (bitch.). She is considered to be a sex symbol in the LPGA. She released a 2005 calendar, just before the 2004 U.S. Women's Open, which featured her not only playing golf, but also in striking poses in swimwear. And to be honest I got a little pissy when she only ranked #3 in the Top 25 hottest female golfers. But then I saw their number one choice, Blair O'Neal, and I was like, "oh."

This has got to be the biggest 'fish tale' ever! I got a call today from a good friend, Jeff. He is an old hunting buddy and he also happens to enjoy fly fishing with his wife Mimi. This weekend he and his wife decided to head up to the White Mountains for a little trout fishing. As the day wore on, Mimi got cold in her fishing tube and decided to head out to the truck to warm up a bit. When she was leaving the lake the brush behind Jeff started crashing and creaking with the sounds of an animal coming to water in the afternoon. To Jeff's surprise less than a hundred yards away a bull elk appeared and walked out into the water to cool off and drink. The bull had a nice rack but appeared emaciated. The farther the bull went in to the water the closer he got to Jeff in his tube. The bull would stick his head under water and surface again and didn't seem to mind Jeff's presence. Odd behavior for this time of year for sure! Jeff was enjoying this site and relishing the moment, until one of the bull's dunks seemed to take too long. Curious, Jeff paddled over to the bull which had now been submerged for a very long time. He could see the bulls head and his eyes were open, but he was not moving. Jeff got close enough to hit it on the back several times with his fly rod Convinced that something had gone wrong Jeff grabbed the bull by the horns (no pun intended) and sure enough, the bull had drowned! Amazed at the whole ordeal Jeff grabbed an antler and paddled for the shore. After pulling the bull on to the shore, Jeff called the Game and Fish Dept. and waited for an officer to arrive. It turns out the bull had an old compound fracture between the right hock and knee. Infection had set in and was rampant throughout the bull's body. The game officer said that under these conditions the animal runs a high fever and stays close to water all day to go in and cool off. Unfortunately during this last 'cooling session' he had finally run out of energy to swim, and drowned. Jeff was allowed to keep the rack and was issued a tag for it. The meat however was full of bacteria and was a loss. Although the bull has yet to be measured, I estimate it will be in the 320 - 330 range ... just goes to show those big magnums are not always necessary! Rocky

Jesse James (married) parties with two models and he gets divorced. 50-Cent (single) parties with two models and gets handed $75k. See, this is why rich and famopus male celebs shouldn't get married. A bunch of people sent this video in. The school performance of Scarface as done by 2nd graders. Eh, not great, not horrible. But I am shocked that none of the parents got their panties in a wad over it.

Hey Ernie, I just wanted to pass this along to you in case you havent seen it yet. Some really creepy stuff on here. your friend, Steve

Dumb Ass Pirates ......... Buy a Flashlight! Greg

Old and busted: Health care bill. The new hotness: Health care bill... FOR VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS. Send my little blue friend back to work.

april fools 2010: the definitive list - and another.

finally. someone understands how i feel about emma watson.


April 1, 2010

Do You Know How Hard It Is To Find A Good April Fools Picture?

Kudos to you, Bill O'Reilly, kudos to you. And that article was written yesterday, and even the Lefties are reporting the same, so no I don't think it's an April Fools joke. Now, a defensive lineman announcing that he will pull a tractor-trailer across the field to get the attention of NFL scouts? That I'm not so sure. But I suppose pulling a truck is better than pulling your trainer and DISLOCATING HER ELBOW AND KNEE before pretty much body slamming her to death. Yep, that's why they call em killer whales, kids.

WARNING: GRUESOME LAWNMOWER ACCIDENT. Guy cutting his grass almost gets his leg cut off.

As far as online April Fools jokes go, I'm not sure there's anything left for anyone to do. Back when his site was in the top 1,000, Stile turned his (NSFW) site over to mock hackers. Then Youtube linked every video to a Rick Roll, and last year did upside-down day. A few years back, Fark had every link go to their famous squirrel nuts. Then Rotten claimed they were shut down by the FBI. Last year I did the entire site in hot pink. Eh, I think everything can be pulled off has been pulled off. Shy of putting my dick on the internet, I just don't know if there are any good April Fools pranks left.

Ernie: You seem to value my occasional contributions and I hope this one is valued also: I love "God Hated Kittens". (Although you may see it that way.) I have to respectfully depart from you on the Supreme Court taking the Phelps case. As much as I loath Fred Phelps and his ilk, if he has no freedom of speech, neither do you or I. I have to believe our servicepeople gave their lives and suffered injuries to protect the Constitution, the very Constitution that gives FP the right to be offensive. Any restrictions by law or the Supremes berates their sacrifice. Freedom of speech isn't a popularity contest and isn't always pretty. Joe

Uncle Ernie, Not sure if you've posted this but I thought you might be interested. It's a speech given by Fred Phelps's (estranged) son who left his father's group and describes what it was like growing up in that family. Keep up the good work. -M

Hi Ernie, long time reader, and I was reading todays posts about Fred Phelps, we learned of him a few years ago when he was protesting the funeral of one of our friends that was killed in Iraq. At that time we learned of a group called Patriot Guard Riders, they are a group of bikers that get together when ever Fred decides to picket a fallen soldier, we have members in every state, and a lot will come from out of state, at the funeral of my friends, we had over 500 bikers from all over Colorado and Utah, and a few from Nevada, they encircle the funeral and carry flags, basically blocking the Phelps crew from view of the family. It was the most somber thing I ever had a part in. The local highschool had the funeral and we circled the whole school, with over 300 flags flying. The Phelps people were only about 15 strong. The Patriot Guard Riders are instructed to turn there backs to the Phelps people, and ignore them, it was hard, but then they start saying the pledge of allegiance, over and over, and louder and louder, to drown out the Phelps people. it was incredible. We did have a local outlaw biker gang of about 30 try to go over and confront them, but we shut that down. We do everything by the book, and no violence is allowed, we don’t even recognize the Phelps, our backs are against them at all times. Like I said, it was the most incredible thing I have ever done, and have done at least 20 of them since. You need to check out the Patriot Guard website, and join if you wish, you don’t need to be a biker, or even own a bike to be a member, and its free to join, I have over 100 pics of the first one I attended, but am having trouble locating them, But I did find one, and I'll attach it to this E-mail. I hope you can get this Group of riders out to your audience, they could sure use your support,Tim

And as if women around the world needed one more reason to hate Alessandra Ambrosio, your wish is my command. Of course everyone is wondering what rigorous work out regiment the supermodel endured to get her post-baby body back. It was yoga. Once a week. Think about that while you're enjoying your dry salad.

Hey Ernie. Living in Toronto I had never heard of Fred Phelps. But I have now. After reading your vitriolic blog about this individual, I had to check out the video link from one of your contributors. I couldn't believe my ears! You have a certifiably insane, dangerous, religious maniac wandering around in your midst. I'm a Canadian who is proud to call the USA my friend, and thankfully know from my dozens of acquaintances and friends there that you folks are too savvy and sophisticated to be tempted by this drivel on any large scale. It would be a very grey world were it not for the First Amendment, but I'm reasonably certain that it was not intended to include what could argueably be called hate mongering. But 'sedition' would certainly fit. The dictionary defines sedition as 'Incitement of discontent or rebellion against a government' Surely this asshole qualifies for the first, which has been known to give birth to the second on occasions. But whatever you do, please find some way to shut this madman up for good. Not the church...just him. Russ. Toronto.

I was born and raised in Topeka and am embarrased that Fred is the only thing we have to offer the national media. He is a blight on our town. As to why noone has tried to off this motherfucker is simple. He has a cult following and it would simply make him a martyr and add fuel to the sadistic fire that burns in the congregation. Several of the family members are attorneys and work the legal system in a way that would make Johnny Cochran blush. Several attempts have been made on his life; obviously unsuccessful. I think a just and poetic end to his life would be to have a couple of pipe hitting brothers turn his ass in to their own personal playground but alas, no such luck. Signed Toto

Firstly, thank you very much for the website and all the work you put into it for all of us. I appreciate it very much. I keep coming back and looking at that picture of the young girl standing on the flag, holding that sign. Personally, I feel having her do that makes Phelps, et al guilty of child abuse. Kinda doubt I'm in a minority on that. Intellectually I understand that our right to free speech makes it possible for the Phelp's of our country to say and demonstrate what they believe, or at least profess to believe. However, I don't think I could deal with it if personally faced with the actual acts. Knowing that it would cost, knowing that I would be playing into his hands, I still don't think I could keep from punching that douche. I'm a VN vet and the proud father of a son currently headed to infantry training in Ft Benning, so I'm not unbiased. Keep doing what you do for this country's serving sons and daughters. Michael

While I do find some merit in what Joe has to say, "...Any restrictions by law or the Supremes berates their sacrifice..." some how I just can't wrap my head around Fred Phelps. When part of your business model is literally to provoke and sue... something has to be done, somebody has to step in. There's a differnce between holding up a sign that reads, "OUR PRESIDENT SUCKS!" or publishing a dirty cartoon about Jerry Falwell, and standing at a person's funeral, pointing a finger and shouting to their family, "You, your son is in hell." And listen, I'm all fucking for free speech -- Christ I make my living from posting offensive shit. But a curiously good natured lawyer once told me, "Too many people try to use the First Ammendment as a sword, when it was meant to be a shield." Yes Kirk, that was you. And I think that's the case with Phelps and the WBC.

Barbara Ann Billard is a 5'8'' gal from Austin, Texas whose worldwide fan base is growing exponentially by the day. The one-time WWE Developmental Diva, better known to her legion of fans as "Bobbi Billard," received rave reviews for her performance as Anna Nicole Smith on the VH-1 show "Famous Crime Scene."

And yes, I made you waste ten minutes of your life watching a guy mow his lawn. April Fools, asshole. And don't click this, either.

watch ten hot girls prank ten dumb guys.

boeing's comparison between their ch-47 and mil mi-26.

hint: an mil mi-26 had to rescue two downed ch-47s in afghanistan.

one-hundred and sixty of the greatest arnold schwarzenegger quotes.


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