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October 31, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Halloween Joke Here.

Yes, it is that time of year, and back for 2009 are the Controllable Halloween Decorations for Celiac Disease! Once again, three live webcams and X10 technology allows web surfers to not only view the action, but also *control* it. Heck, you can even inflate/deflate the giant Frankenstein, Pumpkins, Grim Reapers, Skull, SpongeBob SquarePants, Headless Horseman, Homer Simpson, and more - D'OH! The giant Colorado Rockies baseballs in the picture below were a new addition this year since they made the playoffs. But unfortunately, they got eliminated this week by Philly - darn! On a more serious note, this is the fifth year that I'm working with the University of Maryland Center for Celiac Research to raise awareness & funds - my two sons have this condition, so it's personal for me. The website continues to be completely free and totally fun, especially for kids. If folks are so inclined, you can make an optional donation directly to the Center for Celiac Research. Almost $40,000 has been raised with holiday lights - go figure! So surf on by, tell your friends, blog about it, spread the word, etc. And this is just the warmup for Christmas - HO, HO, HO ... Alek!

so, how do you keep a jack o' lantern from rotting?

disgustingly delicious: eight gross-looking halloween recipes.

they're not halloween masks, they're celebrities who've aged miserably.

george costanza: drag racing into oncoming traffic. is that bad? should i not do that?

despite his multiple sclerosis, my friend patrick moser is still rolling on with his grumpkins.

here's a halloweenscare: there's another americazn pie movie. worst part: it's got rob schneider.

some "treats" you pray you don't get on halloween night. but giving em out is cool.

a list of halloween superstitutions from around the world.

October 30, 2009

Fear And Loathing In Las Ernie.

I am going to have sex this weekend. Yep, that's right, you heard me. And we're going to start our own family. Do you know who I'm going to have sex with? That's right, April Macie. Not, not because I've seen pictures of her all done up in a little red devil costume, but because I think she'll make a terrific mother. Her secret to success? The same as mine: beat the crap out of the kids. So wish me luck. I know, I know, her voice sounds a little like Adam Corolla, but I don't mind. I just hope she has a sister that sounds like Jimmy Kimmel.

Hi Ernie, Long-time viewer of the site. Never had anything worthy enough to submit but finally found something for your review. I'm a Raider fan's through thick and thin! John

Hey Ernie, Great site, but I've told you that before, so no more ass kissin' from me. I've sent in a pic to two, at least one of which you've used before. I figure from some of your posts, that you'll appreciate seeing this picture of some pink wings, especially when they belong to twins. What hot blooded man wouldn't! Keep up the good work. You're sites something to look forward to daily. Mike

You know, some people call me bat shit crazy but I don't miss Earl, my (former) 1963 Nova at all. I'd always wanted to own an old classic car and so it was something that I set out to do right after I moved down here. It was awesome to own, it was awesome to drive, it was by far the most eye catching vehicle that I've ever owned. Nary a conversation was missed when I was filling up at the pumps. And I certainly don't regret buying it, but after I sold it I haven't looked back. Earl was in great shape but I guess I'm a little too OCD when it comes to my vehicles. It seemed there was always a drip here or a rattle there; I would imagine the same can be said for any forty-five year old machine. So in order to truly enjoy a classic car, I think you've got to enjoy being a little bit of a greasy monkey; or at least enjoy trying to be a little bit of a grease monkey. Me? I just not cut from that cloth. I like key-turn-gas-go. So I love to prowl the local classic car museum but when it goes too far beyond that, eh. But on the plus side, last week I did speak with Timmy who reported that the picture of Earl parked on the National Seashore was included in some sort of classic car calendar, so I've got one of those headed my way. Keep on truckin, Earl, you sexy little devil, you.

Ernie, Please block Jeff's email address again. What a bitch! If he keeps that shit up he will get his man card revoked. Yeah, yeah I understand you lost your dog but crying doesn't fix the problem. Neither does 'crying for three days or shaking uncontrollably'. I don't think his dog died because he was old, I think his dog died because he was sick of hanging around a lil' bitch. If his dog was still alive he would probably bite Jeff's balls off. He doesn't need them anyway. Nate

Wow, looks like you're not the only prick out there, eh Jeff? That's harsh, bro. Not quite as harsh as trying to install Windows, or even trying to have sex with a zombie during the Zombie-ocalypse, but damn close. Time to step back man, and focus on what's important. Anyway, I have some boobs to post after the weekend.

a brief history of world war ii, in movies.

douchebags of the united states, classified by region.

old and busted: chrismas lights set to music. the new hotness? halloween lights set to music.

internet speeds and costs around the world. the united states? yeah, we rank fifteenth.

comparing football teams to halloween candy. the raiders? smarties, my ass.

nineteen weird and wonderful ways to hold your iphone in place.

October 29, 2009

For Everything Else, There's Multipass.

The internet has matured into a world of its own, and like the real world, it obeys certain immutable laws. Here are ten of the most important.

Ahhh, Halloween is only two days away. Perhaps the one day a year when the ordinary girl can cast off the norms of society and dress like a complete fucking slut without raising any alarms. And what a slutty smorgasbordwe have! We have slutty Super Heroes and slutty devils and a slutty Lee Loo and (previously featured) slutty cops and nurses and slutty Princess Leias and slutty celebrities and slutty kids ...wait, what was that last one? Man, that Heidi Klum costume was enough to give me goosebumps.

Okay fellers, time to quit crying and man up. Arm wrestling? Primative test of strength that's been around for years. That's for pussies. Ultimate Fighting Championship? Two guys beat the shit out of each other. Yawwwwnn... boring! Now if you combine the two? Now we're talkin!

I am the former owner of a dachshund mutt, named Ben, who I owned and looked after for every day of his seventeen years. He was my best friend who slept under the covers next to me every night, who frequently went to work with me, who made it so I, as a single person not known for throwing a lot of parties and get-togethers, never felt alone in the house. What he and I had was the embodiment of the oldest, strongest and most noble of relationships man will ever have, an ancient one, one which pre-dates a time when men even had relationships with women, and that is the ancient loyal bond between man and dog, an institution which stretches from the very dawn of humanity and continues to this day. Not just man and any dog, but his dog.

I knew his time was coming as he of course grew more arthritic and frail. Then one day the decision to take him for that final appointment with the vet came, and I had to do what every owner of a beloved pet has to do if their animal lives long enough for it's health problems and dementia to take the meaning and pleasure out of his it's life. We drove 90 miles to my mom's house and we used her vet because I knew I was going to have to stay with her for a few days afterwards as I would be completely incapacitated by grief, plus her property was an ideal place to give him a dignified burial. When first at the vet's, we fed him all the chocolate he wanted, then I held him in my arms like a baby right to the every end. I cried for two day straight afterwards, and to this day, three months later, I still do sometimes. I ask my mom to put treats out by his burial place twice a week, and from what I hear, I am going to miss him for the rest of my life, I can certainly see that.

Losing one of them is the toughest things you will EVER live through. If nothing has ever rattled you, this will. As you leave the vet's, you'll be shaking uncontrollably and have to have help walking to the car. You'd do well to have someone drive you because you sure as hell aren't going to be able to after that. It is your duty, and it falls to you and you alone, not the damn vet, to bury your dog in a dignified way, and immediately. Just what the FUCK anyone who leaves that to the vet is thinking, is beyond me. Nut the fuck up and bury your own dead for once. I was crying so hard I could barely see where I was planting the shovel in the ground, but I am still glad I gave him a decent burial in accordance with the traditions of my religion, or at least as much as one can for a dog. At such a traumatic time, one thinks, of course, about anything they did to that creature which they may have regretted and for which they hope that pet has either forgotten or forgiven them for, be it not playing with them enough, that day when you were too tired to take him to the park even though he really wanted to go after being cooped up all day, or that spanking or two that was a little too robust.

That final moment is going to come for all of us pet owners, and the latter of those things I just mentioned will haunt you for the rest of your life after your dog is gone, not that my dog was ever given a severe spanking more than once. But something like that can't be taken back. Sometimes dogs need a whack on the ass for their own good, but I'm talking about a beating, which is unnecessary. It's not like he ever went out of his way to betray or piss me off or bite or hurt me. They can't hit back, and seeing as what they give to us in the form of their complete dependence on us, it's no different than spousal abuse. It's the idea of your disapproval which scares a dog and keeps them in line, not the pain of a beating, so a spanking in the form of just one good whack on the ass is, on occasion, all you need to deliver. Ike sounds like a good dog, but they all have their moments, just as mine did, when instinct just kind of takes over and they go hog wild in pursuit of a cat or jumping all over someone to get a treat from them. How often is that, really? They're animals, and animals are creatures of instinct even if they're pets. I think we sometimes forget that.

So, just something for you to chew on. You can have a look at my dog in life and his resting spot afterwards, here. And yeah, I'm that guy whose original address you blocked because I can be a prick in my emails sometimes, but I hope you take this message to heart, whcih is why I wrote it, for Ike. No relationship is perfect, but just be sure and be as good as you can be to your dogs and you will have no regrets after they're gone. Shalom, Jeff

Hey listen, I don't want to look like a raging penis here, but I got a little misty eyed reading that. Let's all throw out a little bacon for our dead homie, Ben. By the way, I suppose I should clarify: when I say "Ike got his ass beat this morning," what that means is, "Ike got whacked on the ass a few times with a rolled up section of newspaper." Sheesh.

and no one knows what it's like. to be a sad rat. to be the bad rat.

this lady makes a FUCKING AWESOME meatloaf, let's all give her a hand.

things you didn't know about ferrari. because you can't afford one.

thirteen tips for single dames. ignore number eleven, by the way.

October 28, 2009

You Know, Aniaml Cruelty Is Just Something I'll Never Understand.

We humans are so proud of ourselves and our opposable thumbs, standing alone at the top of the evolutionary ladder. But sometimes I wonder if we're really at the bottom. Of all the other species on Earth, I can't think of a single one besides Homo Sapiens that kills just for the pure pleasure in it. Sure sharks eat seals, lions eat antelope, and eagles eat fish. But they do it because they have to, not because they want to. But not us, baby. No, we get a nice sharp knife in our hand and man, we just gotta slice something up...

The link is to a news story about some sick fuck who is killing cats out here. Now, I know you're not a cat person, but this isn't really about if it's a cat, or a dog. I'm hoping that with the exposure from your sight, the police can find this douche before anymore cats are killed, or worse, before they get bored with cats and move up to more interesting prey. Thanks. Nancy

Well, I dunno what kind of a presence I have in Arizona but if that asshole goes after a dog I'll come out there and give him some shit he hasn't haven't swallowed in years. And no I'm not making a gay reference, I'm saying this guy can eat shit and die. I wouldn't be surprised if they end up tracking this guy down via Facebook, shit it worked for Emily.

It seems we can't build a car worth a shit but here's Marisa Miller in her $3 million Fantasy Boobs, errr... $3 million Fantasy Bra.

It takes a real man to skip a golf ball across a pond and still manage to get a hole in one. And suprisingly, it wasn't done by any superhero like by Tiger Woods.

you gotta (not) fight, for your right, to (not) party!

eight programs that can make your computer faster. like windows xp.

retarded man spends $50,000 to recreate a first-class pan am cabin in his garage.

best and worst ceo's as ranked by their employees. kobi alexander.

October 27, 2009

Did He, Or Didn't He?

Someone whose story I've always found tremendously interesting is John Demjanjuk. The Cliff Notes of his life is as follows: Born in the Ukraine in 1920, Demjanjuk immigrated to the US back in 1951 where he lives quite peacefully for some thirty years before being accused of being 'Ivan the Terrible', a Nazi guard at the Treblinka and Sobibor extermination camps. The real fun started in 1983 when he was stripped of his US citizenship and extradited to Israel, where it took them about five years to find him guilty and sentence him to death. Five years after that, the Israeli courts overturned his conviction and Demjanjuk returned to the United States after having his citizenship restored. That is right up until he was arrested in 2001, stripped of his citizenship, and again deported only this time to Germany since nobody else wanted him. Keep in mind he was 68 years old when they sentenced him to death the first time and 89 when he was deported to Germany, arriving in a wheelchair.

I guess what I found so interesting about this case is this; in my mind, if you're going to send someone to jail for the rest of their life -- or execute them -- the whole purpose is punishment. And the punishment is, you're depriving these people of the best years of their lives. So my question in regards to John Demjanjuk is presuming that he is indeed Ivan the Terrible, is anyone really punishing him? I mean he's essentially beat the system for some fifty years. He's lives the best years of his life in complete freedom, free to have barbeques and drink beer, and get married and have kids, go on vacation and sink his toes in the sand, and buy homes and boats and cars. He's too fucking old to do any of that now, so is a jail cell really punishment to an old man who is already confined to a wheelchair? If you're looking for justice and to point the finger at someone, point it at the legal system. This legal bullshit has been going on for twenty-five years! Let's face it, it's not like we're going to give him to the Bear Jew for punishment. At what point should we as a society just throw our hands up and say, "Well, I dunno. You're so damn old I guess you just fuckin beat the system, good luck dude."

It's kind of the same way with Roman Polanski, famous for movies and for buggering a 13 year girl old back in 1977. Had he indeed been (correctly) incarcerated back then when it happened, fine slam the cell door on his ass. But here we are thirty plus years later, the guy is 76 years old, rich, successful, and has lived an incredibly fulfilling life... so what's the fucking point of going after him now? Christ, even the victim Samantha Geimer is shrugging her shoulders and saying, "Dude get over it." Is Polanski an arrogant bastard, sure but again when you're the only person calling for his head, eh, I just don't know if it's worth the effort anymore. Especially if the victim isn't on board. And it's got nothing to do with his celebrity status or celebrity supporters. I just think there are more important ills in the world right now.

E, Don't know if this is real or photoshop but I thought it was funny. Seems like its the first thing anyone says if you disagree with him. Rob

Looks real to me. I think people will probably be quick to play the race card for the first year or so, or at least until Obama has some sort of major political victory. And I don't give a rat's ass which side the the public healthcare debate you're on: this is a video of Heather Graham stretching and running a race. And I don't think she's wearing a sports bra, if you catch my drift. Turn the speakers down if yo umust, but watch the boobies.

As a person who has experienced several grand mall seizures over the past 25 years, I really enjoyed your little link. Fortunately, it was only mildly amusing and had no affect on me. Now, adding a strobe light might have done the trick. Actually, those things usually have little to no influence to all, but the most sever cases of seizure disorders. What I have found is that I am more prone to motion sickness, which may be a side effect of my wonderful medications - Tegretol and Keppra - which keep me vertical and not horizontal. My first episode was while driving down a four-lane highway. The first thing ya know ol' Jed's a millionaire and I've got a paramedic at my side. Only damage was a flat tire and loss of driving privileges for 6 months because a battery of tests and a brain scan showed nothing. The last one was over five years ago because I screwed up taking my meds. Lots of fun...four emergency vehicles, two TV news crews and even a news helicopter. Seems I ran through my garage door, got the rear tire caught in a French drain and spun it until it blew. Lots and lots of black smoke. To this day my doctor has no idea why I had seizures, but after the last one, I take my meds like clockwork. Rick - a European American East of Atlanta

Hello Big E! Long time reader here. Never had anything to submit for your approval until now. The attached pictures where taken by my friend who lives in Jacksonville, Florida. As you can see, the truck is on the interstate and and moving at a pretty good pace. My friend contacted the local police and was told that even with the pictures there was nothing that could be done to these reckless parents. I guess the kids where lucky to be in their car seats. At least the bodies would more easily recovered in the event of a tragic mishap. It's my hope that if these parents see their idiocy on the net for all to see, maybe they'll second guess their idea of child safety. Your Faithful Reader, Brian

Yeah, I find people kind of do things a little differently here in Florida. To make up for it, here's a A M*A*S*H quiz in which I scored 9/10. Who knew the movie was based on a novel, eh?

On a routine perimeter check, four Zombie Killer Force soldiers encounter multiple dangers on high ground. Adam sets up isolation interviews for the ZKF team to upload to the ZKF satellite system. Also, we travel into the past to see a slice of Medical Officer Faith's and Gunner Jezebel's past. If this is a little too fragmented to follow, you might want to start from the beginning. And speaking of the walking dead, The ugliest, most busted ass woman on the planet now has a pretty spectacular D-cup rack. WARNING: once you see it, it cannot be unseen. Well, that's it for me, I'm off to Denmark.

boston.com's big picture: scenes from afghanistan 2009.

1980's era computing, as explained by an old school pop-up book.

if a motorcycle heads west at 30mph and another head east at 10 mph...

wait - wait. i never had a chance to love you. wait - wait. i never wanna be without you.

juan, frederico, javier, and edwardo? you're fuckin fired! ed, joe, john... welcome aboard, boys!

October 26, 2009

You Guys Are A Whole Lot Tolerant That I'd Be.

Much to my surprise -- my complete and total surprise, actually -- by far the biggest demographic of people that had trouble with my, "Whoop! Whoop! My Asshole Alarm Is Going Off" post last week? Cops. Yeah no shit. As I explained to one guy, I couldn't fucking imagine going up to a cop who is already involved in some sort of confrontation -- warranted or not, that's not the point -- and shoving a camera in his face. I couldn't fucking imagine going up to a cop involved in some sort of confrontation -- shoving a camera in his face -- while I have a gun on my hip (legal or not, that's not the point). I couldn't fucking imagine going up to a cop involved in some sort of confrontation -- shoving a camera in his face while I have a gun on my hip -- and not presenting some identification when instructed to do so. I couldn't do any of those things and *not* expect to end up in handcuffs.

But you guys deal evidently with assholes every day and as a result, you must have infinitely more patience than I do. I felt the Camera Asshole was way too close for comfort, but Officer Leon disagrees and does a pretty terrific job of making me feel like a n00b...

From the film I didn't see a camera shoved in the officer's face. This individual was a participant in the assembly that was occurring there. Frequently, folks involved in these assemblies will bring cameras and use them to record the events. They often are doing it for the same reasons law enforcement does. They wish to have a degree of protection should things develop poorly. The events should be preserved for evidentiary reasons. Now, some officers and people take exception to this. It's always been my contention that I have nothing to fear from a video or still camera as a law enforcement officer. I also have nothing to fear from a firearm in the possession of a peaceable person. How do I know they are peaceable? It's in the holster and not being waved about or pointed at anyone. The officer's footing in the situation, the entire encounter, appears to have been shaky. Simply because he left the scene, no lawful order to disperse was given and he didn't arrest the guy with the gun. Where this guy was no rookie, they don't hand out hash marks for your sleeve at graduation from the academy, I have to assume he likely had little reason to be there and left because it was so.

An officer should always remember that anyone can be filming him at any time, and act accordingly. Some states have written laws against filming anyone who is not aware of it. Constitutionally, I think these laws are not going to stand muster, especially if filming is done within the public venue and all parties including the camera operator had a right to be there. Specifically banning filming police officers is simply foolish. Police officers have no special rights in this regard either under the constitution or any other law and can't be granted them. I should think if there was a group of people we'd want filmed nearly anywhere they go, it would be government officials responsible for safeguarding our rights. I've specifically been asked, "Do you mind the camera?!", and it was not asked on the basis that if I did they would stop. I simply responded, "So long as you do not interfere in this situation I have no objection. Any interference will result in your immediate arrest, as this constitutes the only warning you will receive and it is on tape."

The issue of demanding identification versus asking for it is sticky. There is a presumption of innocence on the part if Mr. Public. There is also a presumption of correctness and an assumption that when a person who is of some authority asks something that question is backed by the authority of his position. Many officers and people simply assume that they can ask for identification when and where they please. In the moment, one might simply comply... "If he has nothing to hide..." dangerous area for liberty however. The courts are busily deciding cases on these issues and things do change.

There will alway be people who insist their rights be respected... and there was a time when I thought many of them were assholes. As I get older, and watch the dynamics of government, I have found myself thinking that maybe we need some assholes now and again. I am fairly sure that the term "asshole" was likely used to describe the folks who framed our Constitution by certain parties across a certain body of water. Without assholes, we'd be doomed... despite them making us uncomfortable and causing arguments once in awhile.

Be well Ernie, Leon

"I am fairly sure that the term "asshole" was likely used to describe the folks who framed our Constitution by certain parties across a certain body of water. " - touche'

Well, there you have it. If I were a cop there'd be 2000% less assholes in the world, and I'd be on trial for something. No word yet on if Katie, Nikki and Sarah and rest of the Slutty Halloween Girls would come to my rescue.

Baseball. It looks like the fucking Yankees have managed to slither their way into another championship. I can't believe they bunted their way to victory. I mean everybody has an off day, but Jesus. A fucking bunt? Anyway, it looks like the Philadelphia riots are going to make their way onto the Discovery Channel. You know, because nothing shows team spirit like climbing on a firetruck and flipping a car. Or in the case of crazy bitches...

I work in an office that's inside a car dealership. They take a lot of wrecked vehicles here at the dealership to fix. The vehicles will usually sit outside for several days so the insurance company can look at them and figure out what they want to do with them. I took these pictures of someone who apparently went through a bad break up. What you can't see in the pictures is that all the windows are caulked shut, as well as the door locks! Hope you can use these on your site, I'm a big fan and wanted to give back! Robert.

Looks like someone is going to have to escape a crazy ex-girlfriend. And if they're down towards Alabama and happen to be looking for a used mobil home, might I suggest Cullman Liqidation Center? Their advertising is hilariously honest and just in case you don't think that's real, I encourage you to swing on by and see for yourself. They're getting a lot of attention on the internet, and you can see some behind the scenes stuff here.

Question: Which is faster, a lion or a zebra? Find the answer here.

guess the movie: uber nerd edition

man marries mail-order bride using his girlfriend's money.

ladies - tricks & techniques for making your boobs look bigger.

twilight nip slip - a sexy scene that's so subtle you may have missed it.

tech evolution: gadgets that used to be high-tech, but now, not so much.

October 24, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

david keeps calling back ashley in hopes that she will talk to him. dude, she's just not that into you.

first they invaded guido beach, then we had guidos in cabo. now we have the guidoettes.

bill hicks, shortfin mako shark, the notorious b.i.g., the marlboro man, the day after.

striking print ads that show the audacity of nazi germany. uh, sieg heil?

what has fifty vaginas and likes to smash fuzzy little balls.

glenn beck's guest passes out live on television.

kill all son'sa'bitches. that's my official instructions. word.

what's it like to take a nice ride on a p-47 thunderbolt. with surprise ending.

hey iain, how did your shooting session go? did you maintain good trigger discipline?

enough is enough! i have had it with these motherfucking bears on this motherfucking plane!

October 23, 2009

There's Only Three Things To Do In The Joint, Kid.

I think this picture brings to light just how scary marine salvage can be. It's taken from the ass end of a tugboat trying to establish a tow line with a large tanker in rough seas. Wow!

The Mayo Clinic defines a grand mal seizure — also known as a tonic-clonic seizure — features a loss of consciousness and violent muscle contractions. It's the type of seizure most people picture when they think about seizures in general. Grand mal seizure is caused by abnormal electrical activity throughout the brain. In some cases, this type of seizure is triggered by other health problems, such as extremely low blood sugar or a stroke. However, most of the time grand mal seizure is caused by epilepsy. Many people who have a grand mal seizure will never have another one. However in some people, daily anti-seizure medications are needed to control grand mal seizure. And if you're one of those people, don't click this link, or you will be droolin all over the fuckin place.

Every once in awhile I do web searches on different subjects, to see if anything new has turned up. Stemcell research, Glock, zombies, Muscovy ducks, Victory Hammer, Chelmsford, and of course Bruce Campbell. This morning something new did indeed turn up: the Least Essential Works of Bruce Campbell. Now I'll admit to having seen Toronado! and yes it was horrible, as was Alien Apololypse. But Darkman? C'mon, that's essential shit and yes, Bruce should have gotten the title role like Sam Raimi wanted. But there was one thing I was indeed able to take away from that list. I'd always wanted to track down From Duck Till Dawn II simply because yes, Bruce was among the cast. I had no idea he had such an insignificant part and hind-sight being 20/20, I'm kind of glad I never found it.

Ladies, want to place a nice trick on your other half for Halloween? Announce you're pregnant. Gents, want to return the favor? Accidently leave out that gay porn you starred in during college. That's not to say you didn't really star in gay porn, I'm just assuming. And just for insurance, I'll cough.

Great story about poor Ike, and a nice callback to one of the best gangster movies too: Now yous can't leave. Cheers, J

Dude that bullet in the sinus video was fucking nasty. How did it happen, do you have any more info? Sims, Akron.

Did you notice that Rob Schneider was one of the bikers? Sad. Anyway, for shits and grins I tried tracking down more info on that video. I found the doctor who did it, but nothing specifically on that video, sorry. But I can tell you that the kid who played Calogero (Lillo Branncato) is now doing 10 years in prison for killing an off-duty cop.

I went to the game last night, what a disappointment. There were some really BAD calls. Hit the bar after the game and the girl behind the bar looked pretty damn happy. I don't know why she was so perky, musta been a Yankee fan. Joe

Well, if it makes you feel any better, at least the third base ump admits that he screwed the pooch on that tag. I'd hate to see the Yankees go through and win that series all predicated off a bad call, but hey it's not the worst thing that's ever happened. There's been plenty of cheap shots out there, so hopefully the Angels will be able to rise to the challenge. You know, like the Phillies did.

Been awhile since you've gotten your Pulp Fiction fix? Rumor has it they might recut The Wrestler right up your alley.

because nobody puts baby in the corner.

what happens in vegas does not stay in vegas.

i love her, i love her, i love her. safe for work, unfortunately.

soooo, what if 'where the wild things are' had been written by rob zombie?

awkward times with parents. print and relish on the throne.

turn your facebook friend's into ringtone notes.

(mis)adventures in health care -- part ii.

October 22, 2009

Whoop! Whoop! My Asshole Alarm Is Going Off.

I have no problem against abortion protesting and no problem against open carrying of your firearm. Fuck, I think everybody should have guns. But I do have a problem with being an uncooperative asshole. Watch the following video and remember this cop didn't walk up to some guy out of the blue and ask for identification; no, it was this prick with a camera -- who of his own valition -- injected himself into police business that he had no right getting involved with. When you do that, you're fuckin-aye right you have to have the obligation to show identification when you're asked. Nothing -- absolutely nothing -- would have made me happier than if this cop pulled out his gun and unloaded the whole fucking thing into this asshole's face. Or I suppose at the very least, slapped the cuffs on him until they could positively ascertain his identify. Who's to say this dipshit wasn't under the legal age to carry a handgun, or a convicted felon, or has a restraining order against him? Again, he wasn't walking down the street just minding his own business, he asked for this. I sincerely hope the police tracked this fuckhead down and slap the cuffs on him, I sincerely do. He's the kind of dipshit that spoils gun right for everyone else.

Most people remember Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker from the Stars Wars franchise. But that's not all he did... if you missed out on the 1978 classic Corvette Summer -- also staring Annie Potts aka the receptionist from Ghostbusters, man you're just cheating yourself. And dig this, the pimped out 1973 Corvette used in the film was converted to right hand drive so Hamill could be filmed hanging out of the curbside window while he cruised for chicks. Keep in mind that the crash scene at the end of this clip, where the Firebird launches over the guardrail, was filmed back in the all or nothing days when there was no CGI and real stuntmen did all the driving.

Ahhh, 2009 sure is turning out to be one hell of a year, eh? Especially when you include my personal favorite, Alice Fraasa, the Snorg Tees girl.

Hi Ernie! I'm the guy who sent you the Human Autopsy Lunch. Here is another fine meal. Also, I had my trial against AIG in Houston last month, still waiting to hear anything back. I do not see how you even have a life Ernie? I spend HOURS everyday perusing your site and links. Mark

Jesus, human will fucking eat anything won't we? People asked why I was worried about Ike approaching the other dog, given he was friends with Lefty. Interspecies friendships aren't all that uncommon in the animal kingdom. Dogs and cats are pretty common, but there's also plenty documented cases of dogs and squirrels, dogs and monkeys, and even dogs and wolves. But even though Ike has made friends with Lefty the Duck, although no I wouldn't have Lefty stuffed in what can only be considered the most macabre display of devotion I've seen in a long fucking time -- his aggression or lack there of, isn't what bothered me. It's not doing what he was told...

Ernie, Man......I love your stories. I guess that is one of the reasons I click my EHOWA bookmark on a daily basis. I couldn't help but laugh at the Ike-getting-his-ass-beat story. I am with you on the consequences of a dog not doing as told. When my 13 yr old dog, Merlin, was a mere pup he took off on me to go say hello to someone walking on the sidewalk across the street. As luck would have it, a big-ass Ford van was heading down the street at just the right time. The van didn't hit him.......the dumb-ass ran into the side of the van, sending him into a yelping flat spin. I ran out and scooped him up. He was bleeding from the mouth. Being that the dirty little Murphy asshole is always lurking, it was a Sunday afternoon. Vet office closed. Next stop, KSU Veterinary Science that has a emergency vet center. A few x-rays and $100 later, he had a cracked tooth and nothing else. Lucky dog. Nowadays Merlin still doesn't always do as told, but.....he has made it 13 yrs and still has wag in his tail. Given his age I can't quite bring myself to deliver the ass-beatings he once procured as a younger dog. He is a little gimpy, almost deaf, and about as mental as a shaved rat in a coffee can, but still a good dog! Keep up the good work! -Chad

Ernie, Hate to say it, but your beating only served to confuse Ike. As pissed off as you were, the only way to let him know he fucked up by not coming to you would be if he was on a training lead, and you dragged his ass back to you after calling to him. Unfortunately, the little doggie thinks that you beat his ass for coming to you and going inside the house. He definitely knew you were pissed, but he didn't know why, so all the beating did was confuse and confound his willful disobediant and distracted ass. A simple suggestion is next time he bricks when you call, immediately throw a 30' training lead on his unresponsive ass, and start drilling him on come, heel, sit, stay drills. Work his ass like a $20 hooker for a solid hour, rewarding good behavior. Lather rinse repeat for a couple of days, so the message sticks. It sucks, but you'll be happy with the results. No disrespect, I've done the same thing in the past, and thankfully, someone gave me advice to cure the error of my ways. It's served me well through two giant German Shepherds and one slightly retarded Golden Retriever. Love the site. Good luck with Ike and Bianca. -Doug

Au Contraire, Mon Fraire! If Ike were a two year old puppy, then I think what you say might be true. But Ike is a nine years old adult dog. He absolutely knows what 'no' and 'come' both mean; he simply chose to ignore them. It wasn't an understanding issue, it was an alpha dog issue. It was a "there's a new dog in the house and I can see she pushes the limits, so fuck you I'm going to push my boundries and see how far I can get," issue. This has been gradually coming to a head over the last few months as Ike has slowly but surely started to pick and choose when he wanted to listen and when he didn't. The little shit I let slide, but this was by far his boldest (and potentially ther most dangerous) infraction. Little fucker. Like my dad says, you're never too old for an ass whoopin.

Good news: This hot brunette chick in a bikini is fast enough to catch a seagull. Bad news: The video is narrated by her friend, Fran Drescher.

Among the list of things that will stop a Hummer: One school bus. Among the list of things that won't stop a Hummer: Seven street signs and a few curbs.

who owns our asses, country by country.

now hey kids, remember, drugs are bad m'kay?

i often wonder, just how deep are the cuts in billy zane's wrists?

anyone got $50k to spare? trust me, the cape coral pic is photoshopped.

October 21, 2009

So I Had To Beat Ike's Ass This Morning.

And now he's quite upset with me. I took the two dogs out for their morning constitutional -- Bianca on a leash because I don't trust her to not take off yet, and Ike free roaming because he (usually) listens quite well. As soon as I open the front door, sending the dogs bursting forth into the crisp morning air, Bianca's eyes fix upon the street and lets out a barely audible growl as her body stiffens up. I follow the direction of her gaze and see a woman out walking with a little pussy Yorkshire Terrier on a leash. "It's moments like these that I'm glad I have Bianca on a leash," I think to myself, "I just wish she'd start listening like Ike..." Ike? Ike? I look down the driveway and there's Ike in a quick trot towards the woman and her dog. Huh, says I. But Ike listens very well, and he always comes back when I call him. IKE. NO. IKE. COME.

Only this time, Ike doesn't no. And Ike doesn't come. Ike continues his trot towards the woman and the barking cat. IKE, I repeat myself in a lower, more guttural voice. No acknowledgement. What's that twinge starting in my belly? Why yes, yes, that's anger. I can feel myself turning towards the Dark Side. You see, if there's one thing that I can't fucking abide by with my dogs, if there's one thing I can't fucking stand, it's not coming when they're called. Not to say that I'm happy when they fight (eight weeks without a scuffle, by the way, woo hoo!), or make the occasional mess in the house, or hop on the back of the couch to clean a plate I've lazily left on the adjacent table; but those infractions I can deal with.

But not coming when called? That's an instant fucking hot button for me. I have zero fucking tolerance for that shit. That leads to dogs running out in the street, that leads to dogs running out to strange people, that leads to dogs getting hurt. And I'm not talking about the Ha-Ha-I-Bit-Your-Leg kind of hurt, I'm talking the squashed by cars kind of hurt. And I don't care what the fuck my dog is doing, or what the fuck else might seem so interesting; I don't fucking care. I call, you come. Fucking period. And for the past nine years, that's been Ike. The perfect dog. My star pupil. Doggie of the month, month after month. I can set loose fifty cats with fifty steaks tied to their backs, and Ike won't take a step towards them unless I say it's okay. Except today at 6:30 in the morning.

Of course as Ike is slowly working his way closer and closer to this broad and her dog, the little Yorkshire notices what's going on and turns around to meet up with Ike. I'm reasonably sure Ike won't cause any trouble with this little bitch, but that's not the point. Again, I call Ike back; IKE. NO. And then through seething, gritted teeth; IKE. GOD. DAMMIT. COME. HERE. Now even to the casual observer, you can tell I'm having a control issue with one of my dogs. What does this woman do? She stops. And starts walking back *towards* my house to let the two dogs meet. Now is it me, or is that just the stupidest fucking thing in the universe? 'No," I call out to the dumb bitch, "please keep going." And her reaction? She stops and stands there with her dog tugging on the leash towards Ike, as again, he's getting closer and closer to them. Fuck me.

Now I want to fucking strangle everybody. Ike for not listening, this dumb fucking woman for being a dumb fucking woman, her dumb fucking dog for being a little pussy dog, and Bianca (the only innocent party in all of this) simply because she's here. Now I start hastily walking towards Ike, not knowing that the fuck I'm going to do when I get there since if I get within range of grabbing him, Bianca will be in range of the {ipping chew toy. But Ike sees me coming now, and knows I mean business. He breaks off his semi-pursuit of the woman and her dog -- who is still fucking standing there like the dumb fucking cunt God intended her to be. "Keep going." I say to the woman a little sterner this time with no pleasantness in my voice. She takes the hint, tugs on the leash and continues her trek down the street away from my house.

My immediate worries put to rest, now I have to concentrate on Ike who has just earned himself one royal beating. But Ike is still in Fuck-You-Clown mood and begins heading down the street in the other fucking direction. IKE. IKE. COME. HERE. Who casts a nice 'fuck you' look over his shoulder, as his nose pulls him by all the weeds on the side of the vacant lot next to my house. That's it, I am hereby giving into the Dark Side, as I am motherfucking pissed and am going to boot his ass to the moon. I leave Ike the fuck outside and bring Bianca back in the house. I open the front door just long enough to shove Bianca back inside, leash hanging around her neck. She doesn't know what the fuck is going on, but I'm pretty sure she was pleasantly surprised that for once she wasn't the one in trouble. I'm storming back out into the front lawn, tunnel vision locked on my little cock of a dog. Because now it's Emperor on Luke ass whooping time. Ike sees me coming, and only now begins to realize the world of shit he's gotten himself into. So he starts coming to me. I'm pointing at him with my finger and swearing in my the best Yosemite Sam voice I can muster without waking up any neighbors.

Two steps away, doesn't the little fucker take off running? Towards the front door thankfully, but running none the less. I'm having flashbacks on my mother when she beat my ass after she caught me putting pennies on the railroad tracks. "Don't run you little son of a bitch," she warned me, "that'll just make it worse." And it did indeed. Now Ike runs to the front door and lays down flat, making himself appear as small as possible and apparently snapped back into his normally very submissive persona. I'm so fucking pissed that if I had lasers for eyes, the entire front of my fucking house would be smouldering ash right now. I open the front door and he bolts inside, followed quite quickly by me and I lock the door behind me. Now yous can't leave.

Because we're still trying to smooth out things with Bianca, I've got about a half a dozen rolled up newspapers strategically placed in locations around the house. One of those locations is on the small table inside the front door, just in case shit goes down while the two dogs are outside doing their business. I picked up this newspaper and it felt good in my hand. Indeed it was the weapon of my father, and his father before him. Ike was already on the other side of the kitchen island, and we played a brief game of Ring-Around-The-Rosie as I started after him, "You little mother fucker!" I finally caught up to him when he made a break for it and cornered himself under my computer desk. I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that - but prison is no fairy-tale world. In short, I. Beat. His. Ass. Not as bad as Bianca has gotten it in the past, but certainly harder than he's gotten himself in quite along time. And when it was all over, I walked about ten steps away or so, and called Ike over to me. He came when called, sheepishly, but he did it. That's all I wanted.

I brought Bianca back outside and while she seemed somewhat confused at the excitement, that didn't stop her from shitting on the decorative gravel that lines the front sidewalks, as she's often inclined to do. Back inside I called Ike over again, and again he came without hesitation. We went back outside and sure enough he listened much better this time, not venturing any closer than ten feet to the end of the driveway. Both dogs were praised and given treats, but I know Ike is pissed at me because he's not his normal affectionate self. Tough shit. Come when called. Sure it was just a little dog this time, but what if it had been big ass dog or a car? Anyway. Ike and I just made up with a car ride to Dunkin Donuts and three glazed Munchkins. Hardheaded little fucker. God, I love him.

hey man, dont know if you saw this or not. But damn. Katana

Hey, In your post on the 19th you mentioned the Unimog, then today's Wikisnaps also mentions a Unimog, so perhaps you'd like a Unimog of your own without having to sell a testicle? Get one in a smaller scale. Their price is the MSRP, you can find one much cheaper elsewhere. Cheers, J

Good day Ernie, I am afraid that I have to call BS on the Unimog being a better SUV. If you compare specs side-by-side of the latest model of the Unimog ( U5000 ) versus the latest Humvee ( M1097A2 ) the Humvee is superior to the Unimog in nearly all specs. Now this in not comparing apples to apples per say. They both do what they are designed to do. I will be the first to admit that H2's as well as H3's are douchemobiles. But the H1, especially the military version gets the job done with a take-no-prisoners attitude. The only real problems with the H1 is that they are a bitch to work on & cost an arm & a leg for a basic service & are no longer an American owned product, thanks in part to the PRC. I hope that if you don't use this on your site, you at least look at the following links Thanx!!! Charlie

Let's play Would You Rather. Would you rather test your reflexes by a stoplight or a fast ball? By a red dot, or a black dot? By catching flies, or by dodging bullets? or perhaps by tranquilizing sheep? How about by a big green button? Would you rather test against plain text or by going against John Force? But I suppose the real question is which cheerleader would you rather? And on a personal note, I can assure you that Oklahoma girls have much bigger tits than that.

You know one show I've gotten into recently? Californication. Sure there's been rumors around that this was the show that drove David Duchovny to sex rehab, but I've got to be honest, I've always liked the guy. Not back with X-files, for some reason I never managed to get caught up that, but believe it or not -- in the sci-fi spoof, Evolution. The mall scene always killed me. Anyways, I only bring this up bbecause you know Eva Amurri's topless scenes have been causing quite a stir [photos - video] so it was interesting to hear her own personal take on it. it's not often you hear a hit chick confess where her stripper bruises are .

vietnam vets receive presidential citation for heroism.

when news reports say 'tsunami' aren't you expecting this?

so just how the fuck do you wind up with a bullet up your fucking nose?

and this my friends, is why i don't like open faced helmets. time to call the dentist.

how can you make a remote control b-29 this big, and not have it drop bombs on japanese tourists?

October 20, 2009

Hey Al, Can I Get Your Attention For A Minute?

Okay, all kidding aside. You know your teams sucks some serious ass when The Onion starts bustin on em. Give it up Al, and just turn the reins over to this pigeon. At least we know he's not guaranteed to blow the next draft pick.

Checking in with NASA's Cassini spacecraft, our current emissary to Saturn, some 1.5 billion kilometers (932 million miles) distant from Earth, we find it recently gathering images of the Saturnian system at equinox. During the equinox, the sunlight casts long shadows across Saturn's rings, highlighting previously known phenomena and revealing a few never-before seen images. Cassini continues to orbit Saturn, part of its extended Equinox Mission, funded through through September 2010. A proposal for a further extension is under consideration, one that would keep Cassini in orbit until 2017, ending with a spectacular series of orbits inside the rings followed by a suicide plunge into Saturn on Sept. 15, 2017. Man, I miss Boston sometimes. It seemed like such a simpler time back then. I know, famous last words, right?

Yes, I've seen this CCTV footage of a guy almost getting squished by a bus in the city of Perm. But have you seen these photos of the aftermath where over twenty cars met a crunch end?

Mike Piazza had some questions following him around questioning his sexuality for a number of years (the New York Post put the rumor in print at one point), which made it somewhat comical when he married former playmate Alicia Rickter. Piazza was so concerned with the rumors that he actually made a public statement asserting his hetero-ness, and I like to imagine that he felt that didn’t do the trick so he went and married what he figured the most red blooded hetero man would be attracted to: a Playmate. She’s hot though, and they’ve had a kid, so yeah, maybe not gay after all. The world may never know for sure. Poor Alicia. I guess someone shoudl have told her that one night stands can last longer than you want. Dustin Pedroia's wife Kelli ain't too shabby, either. Go Sox... oh, wait.

The FBI is the least of Ballon Boy's problems -- now he's got to worry about Hitler now.

Ladies, planning on swinging in for your flu shot or an HPV vaccine? Might want to beat the rush and schedule your appointment with Dr House over at Princeton-Plainsboro ahead of time. No word on if Contestant #6 will be checking in.

I bet that if someone pulled Sigourney Weaver aside about ten years ago, and told her that in one decade she's be selling herself to phone companies, she's be like, "Over my dead body." Well, it's ten years later and guess what.

prince charming is looking for his cinderella. and only genuine offers will be accepted.

Fg = G (m1*m2)/(d^2) -- newton's law of universal gravitation.

marriage and divorce: an interactive fifty state tour.

the ~~worst~~ MOST AWESOME of american foods.

2012: the stupidest year ever.

October 19, 2009

Normally I'd Say keep Your Eye On The Ball, But...

Yes, I know the Sox are out of the playoffs and to make things worse, the Yanks are closing in, but regardless this will still go down as one of the best Halloween costume ever, in the history of Halloween costumes.

Comedian Joe Klocek invites a heckler from the audience onto the stage for a lesson in comedy. You can learn more about Joe at his website. I find Joe infinitely more funny than say, Iliza Shlesinger, who aside from being nice to look at, isn't all that funny.

Dear 4WD Ernie: I agree with you that any Hummer is a douchemobile. If you need an SUV, get a Unimog. -- best, HPH

Did you watch porn? Believe it or not, this site is quite safe for work.

Here's a little something for all you nerds and nerdettes out there: an Apple store in a New Jersey mall hires an evil genius as a tech specialist. Voltar attempts to adjust to a mundane world of broken iPods and MacBooks. Whatever loser, just fix my operating system.

Saw your blurb on zombieattack. This one has been going for a while and its pretty cool. jd

Wikipedia defines a Rube Goldberg machine as a deliberately overengineered apparatus that performs a very simple task in a very complex fashion, usually including a chain reaction.

For the launch of the Samsung Corby S3650 phone this massive paint fight was held in Sao Paulo. Over 200 people took part and the fight lasted 40 minutes, used over 2,000 litres of paint and took 12 fire trucks 3 days to clear up!

Ernie: Love you site. I checked out the link you posted on Friday about "white trash" - the "upstate girls" site about the poor, down-and-out girls in Troy, NY. What a bunch of shit! I don't take any joy in seeing someone on hard times or having a difficult go at life. But nowhere, not ONE FUCKING time in that photoessay did I see any mention of "personal responsibility". That burns my ass big time. I work a 50 hour a week job and my wife works two part-time jobs just to try to pay our bills, and we do not live high on the hog by any means. But to shine the spotlight on these women who've made HORRIBLE life choices and argue that we need to "reevaluate the U.S. social and economic system" is just bullshit. Who made these women have multiple children out of wedlock? Who made them sleep with and bear children with scum-bags who were living a life of crime? I get up and go to my job and try to teach my daughters right from wrong, and I have to pay because others make poor choices? WTF? White trash is right on! My heritage hails from the moutains of east Tennessee, between Morristown and Rogersville, two small dots on the map known as Bean Station and Mooresburg. My family was poor white folk, but not white trash. You can't help being a hillbilly, that's just a condition of your birth. But being a redneck or "white trash" is a state of mind. The same difference between simply being black and being a nigger. Thanks for posting that link, as much as it boiled my blood, it's necessary to know what others are up to. To hell with those who would dare push socialism upon us, citing the poor and down-and-out as a reason to punish the "fortunate". There's a quote from a founding father, I don't remember it all but basically said you can't "Improve the poor by punishing the wealthy". Regards, Mitch. Cincinnati, OH

Hey does anyone know when Eastbound and Down starts up again? I'm all loaded up on my famous pumpkin margaritas mix and I'm kind of hoping they'll show Katy Mixon's tits for real this upcoming season. Which raises the question: if those aren't her tits, then whose are they? Surely none of these Eastbound and Browned cheerleaders, as none of them have the same lung capacity as Mixon. Well, maybe that USF girl.

This will send cold chills down your spine: some sick submerges a giraffe, a weiner dog, a poodle and a swan into a vat of liquid nitrogen.

female celebrities with more tits than talent.

the most annoying things on the internet. besides lists. ha!

i noticed you didn't rsvp for my new phone need numbers party.

so long crazy lou. the ten best lou albano clips on youtube.

spinoff tv show: my name is pilot inspektor?

October 17, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Oktoberfest Weekend Joke Here.

are you useful? take the technology quiz.

the biggest misconceptions we learn in school.

where are they now: sexy symbols from the 80's. eesh.

baby's aren't as cool as you think. they can't drive cars, or tell dirty jokes.

i so regret... putting the hedgehog in the microwave. dude, what the fuck?!

October 16, 2009

Screw Leo Getz. What About Ernie Getz?

OKAY, OKAY, WAIT. WAIT JUST A FUCKING MINUTE. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF SHIT IS THIS. WHERE THE MOTHER FUCK IS MY MOTHERFUCKING BLACK DYANAMITE!? THIS IS MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT.

Probably everyone has experiences an ingrown toenail at some point in their life, so I'm not going to waste my time explaining what it is. But I will say this. I am 100% serious that I had to stop this video halfway through and walk away for a minute. Seriously. It's that bad. The doc is hacking off part of this guy's toe like a slice of roast beef at the end of the buffet line; which by the way, you will never look at the same away again. I've seen a lot of seriously fucked up stuff on the internet, and I'm no pussy when it comes to gore, but this one ranks right up there. It's pretty fucked up. Watch with cation. No shit.

With the addition of contestants four and five, we've now got five of the twenty free OhMiBods spoken for! Think your boobs are good enough to claim one of the remaining fifteen? SHOW ME!

Old and busted: Fifty girls in fifty states. The new hotness: Fifty jobs in fifty states.

Innabella is 20 years old, 5'7", 132 lbs, has blonde hair and green eyes, sports a solid D-cup rack, has no children, has never been married, is a trained engineer, and looks rockin in her orange bikini. And yet somehow, I'm not convinced this Russian mail order bride is being entirely truthful.

Last night’s “South Park” took on the organization and didn’t pull any punches. Butters became a pimp and went to ACORN for a housing grant. Never underestimate the power of an adorable kid and some fine looking ladies. How do you like that, bitches!

"Hey Ern, you've spoken about the difference between niggers vs black people before. What's an example of white people vs white trash?" Here, let me show you some white trash.

They say that the eyes are the window to the soul, and if they're right, then the car is the window to the penis. You can tell a lot about a person by the car they drive. Fuel-efficient? Cares about the environment and his pocketbook. Convertible? Midlife crisis. Giant pair of fake testicles hanging from the rear bumper? Back away slowly, and don't make eye contact. But the three cars in this list are special cases - they're perhaps the most egregious douchemobiles ever conceived. And here's more on the Monaco Red Diamond, by the way.

How to be bully smart. I swear to Sweet Baby Jesus, that I don't know if this is a parody or not. I mean the groin slap might work sure, but throwing candy?

Holy shit, I didn't know Ice-T used to be an Army Ranger.

great movie deaths. yahoooooooo, says slim pickens.

dude, ya should have saved that for the zombie apocolypse.

mel gibson's upcoming flick, edge of darkness. could be okay, yes?

uber hottie danica patrick vs. homegrown nascar talent: who is best for the sport?

October 15, 2009

So Long Captain Lou, It's Time For You To Have Fun, Too.

I loved him, I hated him. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. Either way, he always entertained me. So long Captain Lou, we hardly knew ye. (p.s. fuck you, Puddy!)

A few more Obama jokes I forgot to mention. My personal favorite from when he was first elected: Knock, Knock. Who's there? Eyes. Eyes who? EYES YO NEW PRESIDENT! Quick, simple, racial, awesome. That's the key to a good joke: simplicity. Here's a joke that started out simple back in January of this year, but has become too bloated to be funny. Here's the original: Baskin & Robbins has a new flavor called Baracky Road. It's half white, half chocolate and surrounded by fruits and nuts. See, another one that's quick, simple, racial, and awesome. But here it is in current form, which I received yesterday: In honor of the 44thPpresident of the United States, Baskin-Robbins ice cream has introduced a new flavor: Barocky Road. Barocky road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow. The cost is $100.00 per scoop. When purchased, it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you. You are left with an empty wallet and no change, holding an empty cone with no hope of getting any ice cream. Are you stimulated? And that my friends, is how you ruin a perfectly good joke. Oh, and add another one to add the old and busted list -- any jokes using the phrase, 'can't say nigger rigged anymore' is just a recycled Marion Barry joke. Please stop spreading that one around. But mashing up an Obama joke with Sesame Street is not only encouraged, it's really fucking funny. But never ever make a death panel joke. That shit is not cool.

Hi Ernie, in that Road to Moloch clip, at mark 2:22, as they are walking up the hill, the Latino Marine presses the release button and his clip falls out of his rifle! Cheers, Charley

Ah, it's tough to make a perfect zombie flick, I suppose. This guy had a pretty good zombie attack thing going on with Twitter for awhile, I don't know why he gave it up. But ask yourself this. What if... Daniel LaRusso used Twitter during the The Karate Kid? "Random question: How much do you think you could get for a Japanese WWII medal on ebay?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's fucking awesome. I hope they turn that into a new meme.

Besides, I won't be around to read it right now anyway, as tomorrow is opening day for Black Dynamite and I am so fucking going to the first matinee. What's up Cream Corn? Back off pig, I don't care who called 911!

For any metal fan growing up before widespread Internet access, fanzines were the bibles of underground music. Scene reports, in particular, were the vital feature that kept local scenes connected. VBS correspondent Iano Dovi brings the scene report into the digital age, scouring London, Stockholm, and Los Angles for a comprehensive survey of today’s heavy metal across the globe.

Fifty girls from fifty states. It comes no surprise that Eva Mendes represents Florida, and Eliza Dushku stands up for Massachusetts. But I didn't know Gabrielle Union was from Nebraska. Me likey likely Nebraska, but I can't say I like their choice for Oklahoma. And uh, go Wyoming?

Las Vegas has fallen in love with Angelica Bridges, the statuesque beauty from a small Missouri town of only 150 people. The stunning 34D-24-34 Playboy model currently stars in "Fantasy" at the Luxor. Not even Sin City can contain this former Baywatch babe, as she and her band Strawberry Blonde will open for Lady Gaga at Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Mansion Halloween party.

li wei is an artist from beijing whose work depicts him in gravity defying situations.

the cell? c'mon that sucked ass. and it didn't make the list? bullshit.

the lego batman series is actually pretty fucking decent.

i present, the camel toes of maria sharapova.

October 14, 2009

Anyone Know What Role Arnie Is Going To Play?

Remember how excited I got over the last Rambo movie? I think that's going to happen again. Not for Rambo, persay, but for The Expendables. They just released the first trailer and it looks like it's going to be pretty kick ass, ranking somewhere between Rambo and another balls-to-the-wall flick, Shoot Em Up. But it's nice to see Dolph Lundgren play a bad guy again. Somehow that's refreshing, ya know?

Each morning as I'm surfing the web looking for shit to post, I always try to make myself a note regarding any interesting Wikipedia articles, so I can go back and read them once all my stuff is finished. So who knew that have one on vaginal flatulence?

Hi Ernie here is an Australian scooter we build them tough down under! Dkpatzel

Hi Ernie, came across this. Actually, I found it through this weirdly interesting web comic . Actually... have you featured tits of blood before? Sounds vaguely familiar. Anyway, Thursday's my birthday, so I'll be especially looking forward to the latest tits entries. Thanks, Mike

Now Mike, when you say you came across that comic... do you mean... you know. Because that's not very romantic if you did. Especially not to a girl who takes excellent care of herself, such as some uber hot gymnist chick. Instead, girls like it when you build monuments to them.

Hey Ernie, You may recall a discussion we had about firearms a few months ago. In a couple of weeks, I am going to this place to have a try with a few different pistols. I'm not buying, just going for the experience with a buddy. Here's the thing: while I have fired the odd rifle, I have never even held a pistol before. Do you have any tips for me so that I don't look like a tool? Other than STFU and listen to the instructor! Iain

Well, the first thing that comes to mind is to constantly remind yourself of the rules of gun safety; they hold true for a rifle, pistol, bazooka, whatever. But if any one of these three rules stands out more than the others, especially with a handgun, it's number two: keep your finger off the trigger until you're ready to shoot. With a rifle, it's pretty hard to not point the gun anywhere but downrange; you've got to make a conscious effort to point it anywhere else. With a pistol you've got less of a margin for error; a subtle turn of the wrist moves the business end of the gun from pointing towards a Good Place (down range) to pointing towards a Bad Place (towards yourself, your instructor, a neighbor). If this accidentally happens -- and chances are it will at some point -- your only saving grace will be your finger being anywhere else but the trigger. I can't stress good trigger discpline enough. Keep your motherfucking finger off the motherfucking trigger until you're motherfucking ready to make a motherfucking bang. I can't tell you how many times I've seen people fuck with the trigger while they're loading their gun, or racking a slide, or waving their hands around while they're talking, or my personal favorite: showing off and trying to look cool. Otherwise, someone might end up like Marvin. And nobody wants that.

skateboard tricks filmed at 10,000 frames per second.

you know what? ben foster is quickly becoming one of my favorite actors.

business up front, party in the rear: the best mullets in sports history.

like extreme sports? try mountain biking down the stairs of a brazilian slum.

lechuguilla cave is the deepest in the united states.

October 13, 2009

A Definitive Review of Obama Jokes.

As a lover of all things comedy, I will now critique some of the Barack Obama jokes that have been sent in lately. These jokes will be judged based upon originality, creativity, and relevance to current events. Note: ANY joke that contains the phrases, "...that's a post turtle," "...then I'd be an Obama supporter," "...I think you're in my seat," "...do we have time?" or, "...now that's a real tragedy," are all recycled political jokes that have been around for the last seven presidencies. I'm simply ignoring those because it annoys the living shit out of me that some stupid people think they're still new. I'm only choosing a few late night jokes because shit man, no fair, they've got professional joke writers.

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Plymouths, and I voted for Obama." -- At first I was afraid this was going to be a rehash of that old IRS joke, but thankfully it went in another direction. Nice shit on American cars though. Overall not a bad joke, but it's based upon too unlikely a scenario; everyone knows we have Mexicans to pick our crops! I GIVE IT A: B-

What do you call the US after four years of Obama and the Liberal congress? An Obama nation. -- Ha! get it! Abomination, Obama nation, abomination, Obam anation?! Get it. It's a play on words silly. Now you know why Samuel Johnson said puns are the lowest form of humor. I GIVE IT A: D

President Obama promised his wife he would take her to a Broadway Show and he did just that. Well, now you know what ya gotta do to get Barack to live up to a promise. Barack was reportedly amazed by the ahk-tors on stage. He turned to Michelle and said, "They said their lines on stage for THREE HOURS and not ONE teleprompter. WOW!" Meanwhile the two kids, Sasha and Malia, stayed home and watched HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3, with Joe Biden. Which is NOT to be confused with PUBLIC HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3, which is rated R due to sex and violence. -- Uh. Wut? Ever want to know what ten pounds of shit stuffed into a five pound bag reads like? This is it. You're trying too hard. I GIVE IT AN: F

Q. Why is Barack Obama so thin and scrawny? A. If he were any heavier he wouldn’t be able to walk on water. -- Again, fun-nay! Challenges his manhood by calling him scrawny, and makes fun of those who idolize him. Nice two'fer! I GIVE IT A: B+

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, “What would you like to talk about?” “Oh, I don’t know,” said the Obama. “How about What Changes I Should Make To America?” and he smiles. “OK,” she says. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?” Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don’t know shit?” -- As a general rule, the longer the set up to the joke, the dumber it's going to be. This one just works too hard, but I appreciate the effort in trying to shed light on Obama's inexperience. I GIVE IT A: C-

Q. Why did Obama change his name from Barry to Barack? A. He thought Barry sounded too American. -- Funny! Plays into Obama having a very uncommon and non-American name. I GIVE IT A: B+

Just wanted to let you know I received my Obama stimulus package in the mail this morning. It contained watermelon seeds, cornbread mix and ten coupons to KFC. The directions were in Spanish. -- Now see, this is good shit right here, thanks Greg. Pulls in facets of current events, racial stereotypes, and a controversial topic like immigration. Magnifique! I GIVE IT AN: A+

Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer? A. Barack Obama. -- I like where you were going, but you missed the target at the end... punchline should have been his daughters. I GIVE IT A: C+

Q. Why did Jimmy Carter vote for Barack Obama? A. Because Jimmy didn't want to be the worst President in history. -- Not bad, gets a nice two-fer shot in on Democratic Presidents, I like it. I GIVE IT A: B-

Q. Why did Jay Leno vote for Barack Obama? A. Because he was running out of George Bush jokes. -- Wait for it, wait for it... Q. Why did David Letterman vote for Barack Obama? A. Because he was running out of Jay Leno's George Bush jokes. -- Ha! The ever elusive hat trick! Shot on GWB, shot on Letterman, and shot on Obama. If we could have rolled this all into one punchline it'd be perfect, so I have to deduct a few points for the long set up. I GIVE IT AN: A-

I have seen some funny bumper stickers that have made me chuckle, and then of course you've got the more traditional black jokes like, "Once you go black..." which will be popular with the chubby white girls, and someone thought it'd be funny to photoshop Obama in as a photobomber, but eh, those are so-so. All in all, not as much quality material as there was with GWB, but hey, Obama's presidency is only in its first year. So, if you've got any more good Obama jokes, send em in!

"President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass." --Conan O'Brien

"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was." --Jay Leno

"I refer to him as B. Hussein Obama. He’s half white and half black, half Christian and half Muslim and half atheist. Something there for every Democrat." -- Ann Coulter

"After Barack Obama was on the show Thursday, I got a phone call from Joe Biden going, 'Wow, what was it like to talk to the President?'" --Jay Leno

After apologizing to his wife and Sarah palin, Dave might want to move on to these folks, too.

Hey Ernie, Great site, keep up the good work. Since we have the Halloween season quickly approaching I figured I'd send you a pic of how we decorated our C.I.W.S. aboard the USS Bataan during our deployment a few years ago. Frank

Ernie, Great site, check it out daily. I was walking into my daughters school today and saw this sign. Wondering who the program is for, students or teachers? Welcome to the school system in the state of Georgia. Keep up the great work. Tony

Belgium is famous for three things: delicious waffles, expensive chocolates, and Jessica Van Der Steen, whom I think is one of the most beautiful Victoria's Secret models ever. They've even got her very own gallery.

MOTHAFUCKIN ZOMBIES! IN MUTHAFUCKIN AFGHANISTAN!

if the audi r8 is gay, well then you can slap my ass and call me sally.

cellphone footage of rats going in and out off pizza truck in new york city.

looks like nicholas cage and his hairplugs get another crack at eva mendes.

us civil war in four minutes. rather beautiful is you can overlook 618,000 dead americans.

October 12, 2009

Eight Out Of Ten, That's What, Seventy Percent?

If memory serves me correctly, I've mentioned Eight Fingered Jerry before. He's an older Vietnam War vet and occasional pool/poker/drinking buddy. At my last Superbowl party, Jerry drank so much tequila that he couldn't stand on his own and we had to load him into my office chair to wheel him around. of course this didn't stop him from flirting with all of the lovely ladies and threatening to kick the ass of any man who tried to stop him, all before finally passing out on a lounge chair at 3am. Yeah, those were good times, good times.

Jerry had also been battling a long list of ailments, most of which stemmed from years of wine, women, song, and killing gooks. The most prominent of which was of course the missing two fingers on his right hand, lost defending himself in hand to hand combat back in 'Nam, when Charlie tried to cut his throat with a bayonet. Jerry returned the favor by stealing said bayonet, driving it into the chest of the offender, and then proceeded to bash their face in with the butt of an M-16. His piano career cut short, Jerry went on to be a drill sergeant and weapons instructor before retiring the United States army as Master Sergeant. But not being able to count to ten on his fingers wasnt Jerry's real weakness; no, that was emphysema. When I first met Jerry at the turn of the new year, he was able to walk from across a parking lot before having to stop and catch his breath. As the months wore on, Jerry's walking range decresed to the point where he required a handicapped parking permit because walking anymore than a few feet would leave him gasping for breath.

It wasn't uncommon for Jerry to have to be hospitalized for a routine bronchoscopy, which is a nice way of saying they stuck a shop-vac down his throat to suck the fluid out of his lungs. And while time caused Jerry's walking range to drop off, it only served to make his shop-vac visits to the hospital all the more frequent. A little over a month ago, on September 8th, Jerry went in for one of these visits. Little did we know it would be his last.

Over the next four weeks, Jerry bounced in and out of ICU as the pendulum of his failing health swung back and forth with every decreasing energy. His once colorful face grew ashen grey, and the tattoos on his arms stretched tight with edema. Even the constant supply of oxygen from his nasal hose wasn't enough to stem his constant gasping. And when he coughed, it sounded like the entire Gulf of Mexico took up residence in his lungs. The final straw of course came when the decision was made to move Jerry from his hospital bed to hospice care. For those of you unfamiliar, hospice is from the Latin word hospes which means, "A place you go to fucking die." But at two days, Jerry's stay in hospice was mercifully short, him hanging on long enough to be visited by all of his friends and loved ones, giving everone the opportunity to say goodbye. When a morphine drip was introduced on Thursday evening; the last tool used to bring comfort to a person whose organs were dying off one by one, I took this as a good indication to say my final farewell to Jerry and make my exit. I know all too well what comes next, and that should happening during the a family's private time.

And in concert with that old saying, "the house always wins," Jerry cashed in his chips and settled up with the house around 7:00pm this past Friday, October 9th, 2009. So long, Master Sergeant Jerome M. Young, United States Army (Retired), we hardly knew ye.

Ran across this today. Thought you'd enjoy it. AJ

Hi, I saw this item on eBay and thought you might be interested. J. Fuller.

See, that's why I love you guys. You always know what I need. I need to have a clean ass while I play with my dolls. What else is there in life, right? Because you've got to stay clean if you want to smell nice, right?

By the way, I've posted contestants two and three in the Best Tits Contest. of course the girls not only receive free high-fives, but their own personal OhMiBods as well. Admittedly, I'm a little slower to build up the contest this year, but again, I'm forgoing quantity for quality this year. Now run on home and start your diet of tubesteak, you closet homos, because I'm busy watching Californication.

the fourteen most badass ways to kill a zombie. fire up that lawnmower, kids.

as far back as i can remember, i always wanted to be a gangster.

too. much. data. to. process. my. brain. it. assplodes.

how i stopped worrying and learned to love the bomb.

prank phone numbers to hand that date at the end of the night.

worst of netflix: "red lips 2: bloodlust". sounds like great porn, but it's not.

October 10, 2009

So Long Eight Fingered Jerry, We Hardly Knew Ye.

mother nature can be cruel, or cheetahs like fresh bacon, too.

a tv show is only as great as its opening credits. they're missing the a-team!

does anyone else miss the old school animated gif days of the web?

actual newspaper story or the onion headline? you make the call.

crazy dutch tourists celebrate volcano eruption from one hundred feet away.

that's what you get for wearing pink. sweep the leg, johnny. sweep the leg.

a buttload of maaaaan-you-got-knocked-the-fuck-out videos.

zach galifianakis's ihopcock - c'mon on down and don't be such a homo.

bad cops, bad cops, whatcha gonna do? police office horror stories.

October 9, 2009

I Got Out Of Bed For This?

Wow, even I find this a crock of shit. I can't imagine what you guys think.

Here are some old dudes with pretty cool jobs. Like the world's oldest porn star? I mean hey, besides private investigator or maybe a cop, how many other jobs can a guy with a mustache get?

Old and busted: potato guns. The new hotness: pumpkin guns. Standing tall enough to hang an American flag from. With velocities approaching 600 miles an hour. Trick or treat, bitches!

The hottest women in sports shows. I guess I'm not completely sold on Clare Carey from Coach, but I'll take two orders of Katy Mixon's huge boobs, please. She can breast feed a family of seven. I know she used a body double in her topless scene at the end of Eastbound and Down, so now she's been added to the list of celebrities I'd like to do nude scenes.

Hey Ern, taking pictures of your Glock again? Be careful what you post online! Andy.

Sorry dude, I don't wear underwear. But if you can overlook the onboxiously large copyright notice, here are some bullet impacts filmed at 1,000,000 frames per second. It kind of puts bullets into perspective, eh? Man, this is going to play right into the hands of gun control nuts.

It's not often that I find celebrity interviews entertaining, but seeing Hugh Grant on Top Gear appears to be the rare exception. Stick it out long enough until he describes his lower torso ailment known as, "Golf Balls".

AND FINALLY, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY, IF YOU ARE HALF AS AFRAID OF SPIDERS AS I AM, DON'T CLICK THIS FUCKING LINK. JUST BREAK OUT THE WD-40 AND A FUCKING LIGHTER. TRUST ME.

things to stop tweeting about.

great books adapted into great movies.

are you too drunk to walk home? these folks sure are.

the greatest zombie tshirt in the history of great zombie tshirts.

hey kids! here's a skill you should all know before beginning high school!

painful: bladder stones. almost as painful: watching the surgery to remove them.

October 8, 2009

Say, That's A Nice Set of Melons You've Got There.

Well, Robyn has cracked the ice on this year's Best Tits Contest, thus scoring herself a free OhMiBod and doing her part for breast cancer research! Thanks Robyn, keep it tight and outta sight!

Chicken and waffles?! I don't think I can put into words how much I'm looking forward to Black Dynamite. It opens on the 16th and I'm going to be there, talking jive to any motherfucker who will listen. Kinda weird hearing that movie preview without the regular movie preview guy's voice, eh? But that'll be tough since the ubiquitous Mr. Don Fontaine died last year from a pneumothorax, not a viagra overdose as some suspected.

Speaking of kung fu. For centuries, man has wondered what wiped out the dinosaurs millions of years ago. Then a bunch of know-it-all scientists ruined our fun and told us it was probably just a big rock from space. But that hasn't stopped science fiction from offering its own insane theories on what killed off our reptilian predecessors. One theory being the dinosaurs were all killed off by the poisoinous gases of a comet, like in that staple of 80's cinema, the venerable Night of the Comet. By the way, the working title of that movie was actually Teenage Mutant Horror Comet Zombies, which is only slightly better than that other well known American masterpiece, Night of the Kung Fu Zombie Bastards from Hell, a super 8 in-camera-edited, negative-projected kung fu zombie flick. And no they're not making that up; its even got its own IMDB entry. And yet still have no Evil Dead IV.

Hey Ernie. I think it's pretty cool that you dig space shuttle stuff. Me too. Seen LOTS of pics and video's but the one video I've never seen? How the hell do they get the shuttle standing back upright, ready to have the boosters attached. Is there a video of it anywhere? Any postings would be great. Woody.

Awww, we have so much in common! We should be best friends forever. Anyway, here's a funny thing, Woody. Apparently Space Shuttle terminilogy isn't very intuitive, as when I searched and found "shuttle rollover" I thought my work was done. But apparently as a shuttle rollover is actually transporting the shuttle towards the Vehicle Assembly Building, as you can see here. Inside the VAB, the shuttle is locked into that yellow sling and then hoisted up to be secured to its external fuel tank, which you can see here. Your BFF, Ernie

Over three years ago I posted this set of pictures and I remember a hunter wrote in and explained the green shit was all the undigested grass in the deer's stomach. I can't remember the name he used for it, but either way here's a novice time hunter getting some first hand experience in the matter. Snacky cakes.

baby shit: your complete visual guide. wait, what?

are squares A and B the same color? yes, they are. are too. are too.

now yous can't leave. a bronx tale should rank way higher than this.

my dog keeps licking his rear for expended periods of time...

October 7, 2009

Because We Should All Learn One New Thing A Day.

Centripetal force is force exerted on an object which is being pulled (or pushed) toward a rotational axis. So basically, tie something to a string and spin it around your head. Centripetal force is what keeps it from flying off in a straight path. If you let go of the string, the Centripetal force ceases and it goes flying off in a straight path. Centrifugal force, actually acts upon your hand. So, the formula for centrifugal force is the same as that for centripetal force, only the direction of the force is the opposite. Remember that centripetal force acts toward your hand and centrifugal force acts toward the object. The equation for centripetal force is: [Fc = o^2 x r] where Fc is centripetal force, o (usually little omega, which looks more like a w) is angular velocity and r is the radius of the object from the center of force. Still not making any sense to you? Here, watch this video and simply remember [stripper = centrifugal] and [the stripper pole = centripetal]. Yeah, see, now you get it. Lucky the poor girl didn't lose her head.

This enormous fat slob is unhappy that a fast food restaurant hasn't brought him his chicken yet. People like this should be shot because they're (a) fat slobs with no respect for themselves, and (b) obnoxious assholes with no respect for other people. I'm actually shocked that a few bystanders didn't step in to chill the guy's mouth outa little. You dion't do that shit in front of women and children, what's the matter with you? Come to think of it, didn't I just see this guy as a zombie a few days ago?

Hey Ernie thanks for helping me put out the good news. Here are a couple of videos we took that day. It is better than any story I could write about it. The cheers are just humbling to me to know that we are making such a difference. This one is our initial entrance after just shutting down our aircraft. This was towards the end, just before we went to the museum/memorial. I must note that the cheering never stopped for at least the 20 minutes we were out there shaking hands. Chris.

On a frigid Denver night in 2003, a quiet and unassuming nurse took an Ambien and went to bed. And then, shit got real. While still asleep, she got up, slugged down half a bottle of wine and got into her car only wearing a nightshirt in 20 degree weather. Drunken, sleep driving nurses are hardcore.

Okay, let me ask you this. You're approached by two worn out mediocre looking women. But, realizing they're homely, they offer to share you and live in a perpetual ménage à trois. Would you? How about if there's a slight surprise? Yeah, you're right. It's probably better to just get the hell out of there.

six other attempted celebrity extortion plots.

bodybuilding then vs now. aka, FUCKIN ROID RAGE.

david letterman's apology to both his wife and staffers.

the best tax rates by state: broken down by income, beer, cigarettes and gasoline.

twenty actors who appeared on "law & order" before they were stars.

the gina carano all-stars: twelve sexy badasses in sports.

famous dogs adopted from shelters or the streets.

October 6, 2009

There's No Such Thing As A Bad Zombie Movie.

One of the things you have to understand about Zombieland -- and coindidently one of the things I think works very well for the film -- is it's a comedy first and a zombie movie second. So unlike the traditional Dawn of the Dead style films, Zombieland is a funny movie about four strangers traveling cross country with each other, and the backdrop for this little venture just so happens to be a modern zombie wasteland. With that in mind, the every day zombie aficionado will have to overlook such plot holes as a vehicle driving for a thousand miles without stopping for fuel, two unarmed teenager girls chilling in the backroom of a zombie infested grocery store, or someone deciding to attack a 400lb zombie with nothing but a pair of garden shears. You have be honest with yourself and appreciate it for what it really is: National Lampoon's Zombie Vacation. Here's a little spoiler to put that into perspective: none of the main characters die. See, it's a feel good zombie kind of flick.

And presuming you can set aside your preconceived notions about zombie survival, you're going to love the fuck out of Zombieland. Seriously, good shit. The movie was more funny than it was scary and believe it or not, the real comedic engine in this movie isn't Woody Harrelson (Tallahasee) but the little n00b, Jesse Eisenberg (Columbus). Specifically, Columbus has a set of rules that he follows to survive in the land of the undead and the subtle reminders of rule #4, the Double Tap, will keep you in stitches.

As the four arrive in Beverly Hills, they seek out a celebrity's house to take refuge in. I won't spoil whose house they choose -- think abouta Twinkie thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds -- and it ends in a rather absent minded, if not predictable manner. As the movie was only 87 minutes long, I have to say the editing wasn't all that terrific. The plot inexplicably sped forward at times, leaving you wondering what scene left on the cutting room floor was supposed to bridge the gap and provide a little continuity. I have the feeling there's going to be a lot of 'deleted scenes' on the bonus material of this DVD.

hi ernie, just need to know where to send photos to you for the save second base contest lol. thanks, gman

You sir, can send those bad boys right in to me at ERNIE@EHOWA.COM -- And remember, breast cancer doesn't just strike the average everyday woman. No, no. Celebrity babes and porn stars are just as susceptible as anyone else. Here's a NSFW gallery of Stephanie Swift before the fun stopped.

Hey Ern. Just got off third shift and I think it just makes this shit even funnier. I'm gonna build one for the kids. -Don

Remember this picture of Emma Watson? Yeah, turns out it's a fake, sorry. Sigh. Seeing that makes me wish I had never gotten diarrhea of the mouth when I first posted it.

my day as a ford crash test dummy.

turn your cell phone into a tool of awesome.

one hundred and eighty other things you can do with a pig.

been jonesing for a 'law and order' coloring book? yeah, this guy, too.

either the teachers assistant is outrageously gay, or the chick looks like rumer willis.

aubrey o'day flashes us her disease full rear, stripper tan lines, and desperate plea for attention.

October 5, 2009

Today We Were Rock Stars.

We shut the aircraft down and what we saw was 350 plus people ranging in ages from 6 months to old and gray standing silently at a fence watching our every movement. I walked around the nose of my aircraft a mere 150 feet away from this crowd, I gave a simple smile and raised my arm up over my head and was greeted with the most substantial roar of levity that I have ever heard in my life. 350 plus people were cheering. Not because I play an instrument in some notable band, acted in a big Hollywood movie, or wrote some famous novel. They were cheering because I am part of something bigger than that. I am part of a team made up of men and women who all wear a uniform of some kind symbolized by a colorful patch known as the Stars and Stripes. A team that helped liberate an entire culture of people almost killed off because they were different. Like the Americans were to the Jews we are to the Kurds.

Before I ramble anymore about this occasion I feel that I am obligated to expose you to what happened to these people. Halajba, the town we flew too, sits directly on the Iranian border. In fact almost a one quarter of the town is in Iran. During the 1980s there was a conflict known as the Iran/Iraq war. This city was at the frontlines of this battle. Historically speaking the Kurdish people have been oppressed and looked down upon by their Arab counterparts in Iraq because they are not Arabic. They are different. They are a melting pot of many different beliefs; their cultural heritage stems across every religion known to man. This diversity sets them apart and makes them great. Well Islamic Arabs known as Sunni and Shia don't have a good history of liking people who are different. The perfect illustration of this is the fact that the Sunni and Shia can't even agree on their own religion. Minor differences between these two branches such as how many times a day they pray, certain important figures in their history, and different holidays is grounds enough for them to not even like each other. Now the Kurds have always been at the bottom of this hierarchy; Saddam was a Sunni and for many years the Sunni Arabs had a good life. The Shia and Kurds were oppressed by this regime quite fiercely with the The Kurds receiving the brunt of it. During the Iran/Iraq war Saddam bombed many cities like this without remorse simply because they were Kurdish. Many ruined cityscapes still litter this country side from that conflict. If that wasn't enough in 1987 Saddam organized an operation completely aimed at eradicating or otherwise imprisoning every Kurd in the country. It began with interment into concentration style camps outside of the major cities. This was followed by the bombing of Kurdish cities. All this climaxed in 1988 when Saddam launched a massive chemical weapons attack which left over 5,000 fatalities in Halajba alone. The final toll of Kurdish fatalities ranged from 300,000 to 500,000 killed. Thousands more wounded and imprisoned. All this was because they were different.

Today was a side of the war that I had never before seen. I saw the fighting last time I was here. The tracers illuminating the night skies, the bombs and hellfires being dropped on insurgents while inserting fresh troops and pulling out the dead and wounded ones. I saw the fear and terror that people can leash upon one another. The awesome horrific sight of what firepower can do to soft skin targets of both friendlies and enemies. I was prepared to go to war again. To see and experience those horrific moments not often spoken about by those who were there. Today I stood in awe as I was thanked, not by a passerby at the airport or some restaurant I was eating at, but by an entire nation of people that we as a team helped save and preserve. Because of our efforts, which started after the first Gulf War to present, these people have emerged as a supreme culture of individuals at once on the brink of extinction. This is no longer a war as far as a traditional definition would go; it is about the people of Iraq now. It's not about bullets and bombs but handshakes and smiles. We have done our job and we did it well and I don't care what any peace loving tree hugging hippy says after watching CNN because today I was personally thanked by more people of another country then that of my own country. If that is not a testament to the job that we have done here than I do not know what is. These are free people who have lived with 3,000 years of oppression. They are free because of our efforts. They are free because of our sacrifice.

Feel free to pass this story and pictures along to every American. It is our duty to make sure that they know the truth about what we are doing over here and the results of those efforts. The liberal media would try and disgrace our sacrifice or otherwise downplay the importance of our mission in Iraq and that is just not fair to the fighting men and women of the United States of America. This is a reminder to those liberal hippies that sometimes there are people in this world who need a good ass kicking to help save the little guy and no one does it better than an American Soldier. Hooah!

SGT Christopher A. Hoffert
Afghanistan '04-'05, Iraq '06-'07, and '09-'10
Alpha Company 3rd Battalion 25th Combat Aviation Brigade
FOB Diamondback, Iraq
3 Oct 2009

Ernie says: Nothing from me today, as I wanted to give Chris his due. So my Zombieland review will be tomorrow!

cerpenters saying: "measure twice, cut once." oil drillers saying: "fuck measurements, let's rock.".

movie franchies that should rest in peace, after one more terminator anyway.

the best movie car chase scenes - the blues brothers, hear, hear.

kate beckinsale is equire's sexiest woman alive. well, duh.

just let your soul glow with these best jheri curls.

then and now: the most successful child stars.

the fifty best movie trailer mashups.

October 3, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

the university of florida is prepared for zombies!

man tells wife to hurry up. she doesn't. look what happens.

the cars you are most likely to be shot at in a california drive by.

awww, disney universe is wonderful! unless you know, you're a jew.

george romero wrote the book on zombies. well he's going to anyway.

pure awesome: someone finally gets to the source of the terminator problem.

and remember, you can get the story behind some of the phonecam pics by following EHOWA on twitter.

October 2, 2009

Yeah, I Suppose It's About Time For A BEST TITS CONTEST, Eh?

I'm not sure if you're aware, but October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. And there are a lot of weird ways to support the cause, including buying a DMPS Panther Lite Special Edition 5.56 Rifle in Pink. And before you ask if that's fake, I can assure you it's not, so ladies now you can kill zombies and look good at the same time. Anyway, bear with me ad I'm slowly drawing closer to my point.

You see, many, many moons ago, when the Earth was young and before the populace worried about such things as global warming, bailouts, and rogue states, there lived a mailing list. And this was not just any mailing list, it was the mailing list to rule them all. And each year, the owner of this mailing list would solicit all his female subcribers to send in pictures of their tits, for entry into his annual Best Tits on the List Contest. And life was good. But as time wore on, changes in technology rendered this mailing list impractical to maintain, and thus a new website was born. What website, you may ask? Why THIS website, fair reader.

Yet here we are several years on, having made several revolutions around your yellow sun, with nary a new boob to be seen. Well, I plan on changing that. And even though you're certainly not very good drivers, in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month, I'm going to reach back, pull a little something off my first album and bring a little something out of retirement, and I think you loyal readers with the devilish grins on your faces know what I'm talking about. That's right guys, there's going to be a Best Tits Contest this month.

And here's how it's going to work. This year I'm going to make a slight change to the entries I accept. In previous contests, it was come one, come all. I accepted all boobs... large and small, old and young. This year I'm going to be a little more selective in who I let enter this years festivities: I'm not saying I'm going to conduct interviews or anything, but let's just say I'm not posting any entries like this, if you catch my drift. Yes, just because you can take your shirt off, doesn't mean you should. (And yes, I've removed all those entries from the previous years' galleries) So in order to be included in this year's contest you have to have nice tits. Note: that doesn't mean huge, and as an example, I happen to think this girl's naughty bits are just delightful and I'm sure other guys do as well. Anyway, I'm allow TWENTY contestants this year and for eachI will donate $25 to breast cancer research, and I've already got set that $500 aside. I've also spoken with Brian from OhMiBod not only are they going to furnish prizes for each of the contestants, but they're going to match my $500 donation, for a total of $1,000 for breast cancer research.

Ladies, this doesn't happen without your participation. As always, your photos must include HOMEMADE signs with something to the effect of "I Love Ernie" or "EHOWA" in the ORIGINAL photo. See previous year's entries for an example. Doing this insures your photos will remain on my site and my site only, not venturing around the internet to wind up in someone's porn ad. You do NOT have to show your face; from neck to navel is all I need. However, if you feel inclined to do so, rock on with your bad self. If you'd like to submit a few photos that would your face but don't want to crop the photo for fear of ruining the picture, don't be afraid to get creative. Or even better, send me the unedited photo and let me blur your face electronically, so i can avoid having a big mismatched gallery of avoid photos like this. And remember girls, the most beautiful pair of boobs in the world will look horrible with a shitty, grainy, dark photo. So get those beautiful puppies out, fire up that camera and support a good cause! Send in your entries to ernie@ehowa.com!

Hi Ernie, It’s been awhile since I’ve emailed ya, but still visit your site daily. Thanks for all the entertainment and laughs. I clicked on the link about the kid who blew his hand off in the basement, and during the video, the news reporter stated that Columbine was “the country’s worst school massacre.” Doesn’t ANYONE study history anymore? Sure, it was horrible, but not even close to what happened up here in 1927. That’s right, 1927! The Bath School disaster is the name given to three bombings in Bath Township, Michigan, USA, on May 18, 1927, which killed 45 people and injured 58. Most of the victims were children in the second to sixth grades (7–12 years of age) attending the Bath Consolidated School. Their deaths constitute the deadliest act of mass murder in a school in U.S. history. I never heard about this until last year, when I person I worked was taking up a collection to mark the last unmarked grave of one of the children killed. \It’s an unbelievable story. Keep up the good work! Dan

Old and busted: Who said this, a US Congressman or a serial killer? The new hotness: Who said this: Megan Fox or Mike Tyson?

I've always been a firm believer that the only reason a man whould ever drink tea is to get the taste of semen out of his mouth. With that in mind, a bearded tea drinker presents Raiders of the Lost Ark in three minutes. Which is about as long as it took someone to steal this dude's wheels.

old school grunge + modern hipster = big mac panini.

how to watch the jay leno show (if you absolutely have to).

the unique origins of twenty-five popular products. including the bra.

parents: an instructional video on how your kid's dry ice boimbs work.

the male-o-drome: fifteen things men lose to relationships.

October 1, 2009

Peek-A-Boo, I See You. Or, Botox For Trucks.

So about three weeks ago I wanted to dump some more refigerant into my truck's air conditioning, and as popped the hood of my truck the safety catch came off in my hand in one big pile of rust. I managed to massage the hood open and after squeezing in half a can of R-134a, Andy pointed out a few spots of frame rot starting on the front frame rails. Ah, the joys of living through thirteen New England winters. No problem, says I, it looks like I caught it pretty early. So last week I dropped the truck off at my mechanic with instructions to weld some patches over the holes. He calls me up yesterday and says, "Yeah you're probably going to want to come take a look at this." Oh boy, that can't be good. So I scoot on down there and Big Red is indeed up on a lift and as I walk up the first thing I notice is this pile of my truck on the ground. Huh. So he gets his shop light out and it looks like the rail rot was a little worse than it first seemed . The best part was when he poked a fingertip through one part right after declaring, "But this looks pretty solid." But I made a promise to my truck long ago: don't ever leave me stranded on the side of the road and I'll always fix whatever can be fixed. It's held up its side of the bargain so I have to hold up mine. Not to sound gay or anything but the old girl has seen me through four different addresses, three different states, six different girlfriends, and eight and a half trips around the globe. What better buddy can you have for a guy named Ernie? Well, other than, you know. But he said they could shore it up and get it almost as strong as it was before it started rusting away. Hence the ol Ram is still there at the shop, awaiting the delivery of some steel plate to cut, shaped and welded into place. I explained to the guy who's going to be the welding, I'm done four-wheeling, I'm done modifying the truck with lift kits and brush guards, so he's free to get as creative as he need to be and whatever he needs to weld into place, weld into place. If things go as planned, I should get my Botox'ed truck back the early part of next week.

Jesus, when I posted that video about how to spot a fake Rolex, I didn't know some of you would turn green with envy. Otherwise why else would you go out kill a guy to get one like this doctor did. Maybe just settle for a nice steak, instead?

Actually it looks like a theatre near me is doing a noon showing of Zombieland a day early, so I'm going to shoot over and catch that this afternoon. I'm not a huge fan of fast zombies as they go against everything George Romero envisioned when he started the genre, but for Woody Harrelson I can make the exception. And remember -- the "zombies" in 28 Days Later aren't really zombies because they weren't the undead, just really, really, really pissed off people. For anyone who missed it, here is 28 Days Later in one minute. Besides, considering their notorious dental hygiene, how could you possibly spot a live Brit from an undead one?

For Breast Cancer Awareness Month we teamed up with Her Energy on giving self-check breast exams, which most importantly means some hot Hollywood actresses touching their own and each others boobs. Directed by Steve Carr (Mall Cop, Dr. Doolittle 2), Booby Scare stars Jaime King (Sin City, Pearl Harbor), Emily Deschanel (Spiderman 2, Bones), Minka Kelly (Friday Night Lights, 500 Days of Summer), Katherine McPhee (American Idol, House Bunny), and Alyson Hannigan (How I Met Your Mother, American Pie). I though it might be something you and your audience would enjoy and you might want to post it. Here's the link. Hope you like it! Thanks, Brady, FunnyOrDie.com

Ernie: Hope all is well. Here's a link to our latest prank, in which we infiltrated the home of Charlize Theron without her knowledge, cleaned her gutters, then left. Charlize Theron's gutter debris is now up for sale on eBay as well (link in the article). Since you're the master of everything weird on the Web, hope you can give it a link from EHOWA! Thanks, John, Zug.com

And while you're out swimming and trying not to get eaten by sharks, this guy wants you to know that sharks are endangered. So be kind and don't fight back.

dear chubby but willing girl...

so, you're good at remembering faces, eh?

golly, audrina partridge sure can fill out this tiny red dress.

enjoy over 6,900 fuck videos. stream. download. keep. definitely NSFW.

amateur footage of the second tsunami wave. complete with bible thumping nutjob narration.

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