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Sometimes Life Just Isn't Fair.

One thing that's got me a little bent out of shape about my vacation is I'm going to miss the Gina Carano vs Cris Santos fight, which is scheduled for the evening of August 15th. And in the sleepy little town of St Regis Falls -- which literally, has one flashing traffic light and yes, every third blink is slow -- I wholeheartedly doubt the one lone bar in town will be pulling in a pay-per-view MMA fight. I've posted a few links about Gina Carano before and she's got the uncanny ability to be tough and femine at the same time. This is what she looks like next to Cris Santos, who can only be described as incredibly.... MANLY. I mean, sure she might be in legal posession of a vagina, but that's about all she's got going for her. When Carano chokes you out, it's strangely erotic. When Santos does it, she don't know how to describe it other than couldn't be any less feminine if I kicked in a bathroom stall and caught her taking a monster shit. Not that being pretty wins fights, but I can't see this bout ending without of of these broads getting seriously knocked the fuck out. Man I hope it's Santos who goes to sleep because she's one scary bitch.

We all know that I love all things zombies -- even claymation movies give me a little giggle. So the latest buzz in the zombie world is the independent film, Colin. It's about a young man, Colin, who is bitten by a Zombie; he dies and returns from the dead. The film follows him as he wanders through suburbia during the throes of a cadaverous apocalypse. The movie's entire budget? $70. That's right, I said seventy bucks. Last I heard he's currently negotiating a theatrical release for the movie. And I of course, will be the first motherfucker in line to see it.

Kate Moss left her top just a little too loose the other day and her nipple decided to say hello. I must say, these sexy photos of her boobs are fantastic. We knew about her hot bikini body, now we get to see it! I think you'll agree that she is very well put together in the chest and thankfully for us she didn't wear a bra.

British TV's "Bang! Goes the Theory" proves that the big bad wolf could have gotten those pigs, if only he had an advanced grasp of physics and combustion.

A blast from the past? Check. A sexy Cindy Crawford? Check. Rodney Fucking Dangerfield? And let's be honest, we all love Rodney Dangerfield. Check! Here's a video that combines everything we love into one convenient location. Oh, and ask me why this motorcycle is no longer available for auction. Go ahead, ask me. Ask me. Ask me. C'mon, ask me. Ask me. All I need now is my Three Wolf shirt.

And happy 32nd birthday to Jaime Pressly, whom I first saw in the movie Joe Dirt. She was wicked hot in that flick, but not as hot as Brittany Daniel.

a story about how much dogs rule? you betcha.

eight sci-fi vehicles you should never operate drunk.

the original names of seven famous tv characters. ralph hinckley.

ten most successful and famous college dropouts. michael vick does not make the list.

I Still Hate Pennies, But I Hate Them A Little Less Now.

When your car is illegally towed, and you're forced to pay the $88 fee to get it back what do you do? That's right, you get your hands on 8,800 pennies. Like Radio Raheem says, fight the power. Now the smart thing for that girl to do would be to gladly accept the pennies from this douchebag, but not release the car until she's done counting all the unrolled pennies. By hand. You know, twice to make sure.

If I told you that Jenny Mccarthy isn't too rough on the eyes, you'r probably respind with, "No shit, Sherlock. That's why she was in Playboy." But I bet you didn't know about her sister, Amy, did you? Yeah, she's got some pretty great dimples. Perhaps not as great as Miranda Kerr's, but still nice in their own right.

Oh, from Monday's Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien, William Shatner re-interprets Sarah Palin's farewell speech as a finger-snapping Beatnik-style poem. I said it before and I'll say it again; that bitch is crazy. Yeah daddy-o, it all makes perfect sense now. Alaska. Alaska.

You might find this hard to swallow, but every day you are bombarded with commercials for things you have to buy to avoid ending up bitter and alone in a pile of your own, reeking filth. You trust these products, because they are state of the art and one of a kind, and because you are an idiot. Or at least, that's what the advertisers think. It turns out a lot of these amazing, cutting edge products are really bullshit. Not just bullshit, but bullshit you could make on your own, for next to no cost.

You know one show that I used to really get into, but now turned repetitious and boring? Denis Leary's Rescue Me. In the first season they had this chick Laura played by Diane Farr, and in the tenth episode she had the line, "I know you guys are talkin' about my tits and my ass. Just in case you are wondering, I'm a 34-C cup, my nipples are slightly larger than average and stand up like top-hats when aroused. My ass is tight as a snare drum but still soft to the touch. Any more questions?" There's nothing edgy like that anymore. There's never anything unexpected. Now it's all Denis Leary bouncing back and forth between his ex-wife and his couson's widow, when in reality he needs to get back to what made him famous to begin with - smokin and drinkin.

the statue of liberty, a borei class submarine, a clownfish, the game monopoly, and hogan's heroes..

old and busted: high pressure pipe sucks crab - the new hotness: high pressure pipe blows crab.

this is exactly why i live in cape coral, and not over in fort myers where its full of crackers.

here is menu suvari working out in a sports bra. you're welcome.

how to cook and eat a guinnea pig. hey you asked.

That's It NFL. I'm Done.

I will never watch the NFL again. You're a greedy pussy, Roger Goodell. Your 'conditional' reinstatement is only a politically correct way to ease into a full reinstatement without the public backlash and a cheap stunt to sell a few more tickets. We all know Tony Dungy shits ice cream, and with him in Vick's corner a full reinstatement is only a matter of formality. And you're right Roger, we are, "dealing with a young man's life." and I don't give a flying fuck how many press conferences he holds. Let him go out and get a fucking job with that four year degree he earned from Virginia Tech. Oh wait, that's right, Vick walked away from his full scholarship after his sophomore year, so that he could get paid big bucks by the NFL. So I'm sorry but, knowing my feelings on black people vs niggers, I choose my words very carefully: just because this nigger can throw a football doesn't mean we should sweep the past aside and start handing him millions of dollars again. And before anyone even fucking asks: he's out of fucking jail, that's enough forgiveness. Let him flip burgers or pump gas like the rest of the college dropouts with felony records. Michael Vick, I can only pray that some defensive lineman will give you a career ending cheap shot that shatters your knee into a thousand pieces.

You know, there was a time when I used to think that baseball was the most crooked, money grubbing sport, but my eyes are open now. So that's it NFL, I'm done. I'm washing away the stink of your greed. Which means I can also finally say a big FUCK YOU to Al Davis, who hasn't made a worthwhile draft pick since Janikowski in 2000. Thanks for crushing my soul year after year, you old senile liver-spotted freak. Kiss my ass. If I had your phpne number, I'd give it to Dmitry. You're fucking dead to me.

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Great. Now I've went and fucking pissed myself off for the rest of the day. Thankfully I read that Heroes star Ali Larter had a revealing moment as she strolled around Beverley Hills. The blonde was wearing a plunging pink dress that was a bit too short on her, and the second he bent over to get some change out of her purse, out popped the booty.

Ladies, want to know how to keep your man happy and faithful? Two easy steps. First, bring him something to drink. And it doesn't have to be booze, fresh lemonade will work just as well. And second, leave him nice love notes like this every once in awhile. See, isn't that easy? And guys, here's Andy Richter teaching us how to make our own Slim-Jims. You're welcome.

Oh, and Stacy Keibler and her forty-two inch legs relax in a bikini at the MGM Grand hotel pool. You're welcome again.

Porn star Tanner Mayes apparently can't pee and text at the same time because she drops her cellphone in the toilet during a shoot. She also doesn't understand the concept of "my fault" as she holds everyone responsible for the accident but herself. The video has no nudity but is peppered with delicious f-bombs, and if I didn't know any better, I'd think that maybe she's under the influence of something? Anyway, here's the whore doing her thing (really NSFW).

And as someone who thinks that Happy Gilmore is one of the funniest movies in the last million years, I find this t-shirt to be fucking awesome. Because I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.

asian grandma swearing in engrish.

urban crime news straight from 'da hood.

patrick swayze: "hey ernie, go fuck and yourself."

evil dead + friday the 13th + blair witch project = the hills run red.

twenty-five of the best movie trailers made using motherfucking LEGOS!

eleven famous people who were in the completely wrong career at age thirty.

Yeah, So I Took The Weekend Off.

But not on purpose. I mean I had planned on Saturday morning's weekend post to be late, but not skipped. You see about once a month or so, I go out on motorcycle rides with a bunch of folks from the local Victory dealership in Estero. Usually this happens on Sundays, but since we were headed up to Sarasota for some Turducken and the Alpine Steakouse isn't open on Sundays, we had to make it a Saturday trip. Typically the rides run about 250-300 miles and I'm back home by 4pm or so, which is when I planned on doing the update. So, here's how things went sideways.

For starters, the guys at Victory lane are terrific when it comes to demo rides, and since I've had my eyes on this 2007 Victory Hammer S for some time now, their service manager Gary asked me if I wanted to take it on this run instead of my V-Star. And certainly no disrespect to Yamaha, but this question is like asking, "Hey would you like to titty-fuck Jessica Biel?" This particular Hammer has been upgraded with an S&S air intake and Santa Rosa exhaust so not only does it sound fucking awesome, it's up to around 100hp to the rear wheel. So what this meant logistically is that even though we were all headed north from Estero -- past my house -- and on to Sarasota, where I would normally just peel off the from the group on the return trip and head home, I had to go all the way back down to Estero to drop off the Hammer and pick my my V-Star. That alone tacked on another hour to my ride.

And then, factor in the rain. Oh, did I mention that I avoid the rain like the plague and in all honest have never ridden in it before? So of course as I'm on a bike that's (a) not mine (b) has a 250mm wide rear tire (more susceptible to hydroplaning than a narrower tire) and (b) the Hammer has like a bazillion times more power than I'm used to... yeah I was shitting little green apples every second I was in the rain. And it motherfucking downpoured. So as we were coming back through Port Charlotte, the pack stopped off at a little bar called Gatorz and just parked the bikes to let the weather pass. And we waited. And waited. And waited. For like two and a half fucking hours. Do you know how fucking hard it is to hang around a bar for two and a half hours and *not* drink? It's really fucking tough, let me assure you. But I've got a hard and fast rule of no beer shall pass these lips while I'm on two wheels. Multiply that a bazillion times by the rain on an unfamiliar bike and you get a pretty pretty sore ass from sitting on a bar stoool with nothing to show for it.

Eventually the downpour slows to just a drizzle with no end in sight. Someone makes the very wise observation that they're rather ride in daylight rain than night time rain so we all decided to go for it. Don't worry -- I had my raingear all packed in my saddlebags -- which were on my V-Star parked back at the dealership some sixty miles away. Since the Hammer doesn't have a windshield, I was eternally thankful that I decided to bring my full faced helmet, because teeny tiny raindrops at 60mph feel like bee stings. And they hurt no matter no many tattoos you have.

An hour an twenty minutes later we're one light from the dealership, stopped at a red light. I'm thinking to myself, "Cool, I made it all this way in the rain and didn't have any problems. Wow." And then the light turns green, and my wet hand slips off the clutch and while normally this would stall a bike, the Hammer's grunt on wet pavement just begins to slide the ass end sideways like a dragster trying to warm up his tires. I don't think you could have gotten a pin up my ass with a jackhammer at that point, but I was able to bring it back under control just by grabbing the clutch and letting it wase down. It was a nice, "hey don't count your chickens before they've hatched," moment. A few minutes later we make it back to the dealership where I thank Gary for the use of the Hammer, and bid a hasty retreat since it's still drizzling out and there's another guy in our group from Cape Coral headed back the way I am, giving me a riding buddy. And when I get back on my V-Star it feels... well, it feels almost child like in comparison to the Hammer. I twist the throttle and well, it goes, but it goesn't go, ya know what I mean? Anyway, back home at 8:30pm meant for a solid twelve hours of riding, and my fucking nerves were shot. Several drinks later I called it a fairly early night and Sunday, well you know me... God says Sunday is the day of rest.

As for the Hammer? I only have one word: Fucking Wow. You want to talk power? Holy shit. It's got no problem going, let me tell you that. The wider rear tire took some getting used to, it required a little more muscle to turn and I felt the ass end wanted to track and follow the grooves in the pavement more than a narrower tire. But when crossing a steel decked bridge -- normally a pucker moment -- it was as steady as my truck. It would definitely take some practice because they're notoriously unwilling to turn. I of course did a lot of research on the bike after I got back and this one article summed it up pretty well, "you don't get used to the handling, you get used to being scared." But I've got to be honest. Riding that bike was almost as much fun as beating off. Almost.

You know what I found funniest about that trailer? It wasn't Jeremy Piven -- he plays the same fast paced asshole in all of the movies he's in -- it was Kathryn Hahn. I usually find her very blasé so to hear her drop a few F-bombs and talk about lesbian sex was quite out of the ordinary.

In the ongoing battle of which country has the sexiest female soccer fans, I think I'll call dibs on Portugal.

Ha! it looks like oll Jeffrey is also a life long fan of beer! But alas, I can attest that things can get pretty out of control in Miami, so I'll give him a pass this time. Just so long as his actions don't result in Burn Notice being cancelled, then I'd have to kill him for Bruce's sake.

how to shark a "guess the number of m&ms in a jar" contest.

yet another twenty fascinating historical facts, like a 94% chance of war.

was 1984 the greatest year in movies, ever? short round says yes, dr jones.

eight things the 'lost boys' vampires could teach those PUSSIES over at twilight.

Like God and The Edge, I Move In Mysterious Ways.

Well I decided to take a small detour on my upcoming vacation, and swing on through Rhode Island to just the sites. Hey don't laugh, I'm sure they're just trying to work their way through high school.

A few people have asked me why I inist on driving my 1,400 mile journey instead of flying, which is inherently safer and faster. Well in all honesty, it hinges around the dogs. Sometimes the airlines have a tough enough time keeping their human passengers happy, let alone an animal in the cargo hold. If something were to happen to my beloved pooches because I wanted to save some time by flying instead of driving, I'd forever curse myself. it's all about karma baby, karma. So eh, I trade a little inconvience for peace of mine. It's a fair trade I think. (Thanks, Scott.)

Okay, Demolition City. Current leader is JT with 307k followed closely by Mason with 301k, but I still have a few more scores to sort though.

What the link Dan is referring to is this one I posted around the Fourth of July. And while Dan speaks the truth and I have nothing but the utmost in respect for our Flag, I have to admit that the never-wear-a-flag idea is something that I just can't blindly embrace. I have an American Flag bandana that I wear when I'm riding and after a few hours in the hot sun, it's soaked in sweat. Am I being a disrespectful butt-horn? I'd like to think not. What about these pictures of an old woman wrapped in a flag? I'd have a hard time saying that she was being disrespectful, even if the US Code said she was. And don't even get me started on flag bikinis. But as the rules were created to make sure the American Flag didn't find its way into the soles of our shoes, or toilet paper or skid marked American flag underwear, let's stretch your tolerance a little bit. How about a Muslim woman wearing the American flag as a hijab? Or an illegal immigrant wrapping himself in the American flag during an immigration rally? And take a closer look at that second photo for a second and try to imagine if the Flag being upside down was the unintentional byproduct of flipping it over his shoulders or as a sign of protest? On the contrary, are those not two acts that actually pay great homage to our Flag, more so that any big titted blonde could ever hope to accomplish? Is it less treasonous than this? Think about it. And along those lines, O and "acting stupidly"? Bad call. MYOB.

growing pains: the good, the bad, and the what ever happened to?

everything you've ever wanted to know about apollo 11, all in one place.

how five famous gangsters met their maker: guns gun, gun, gun nand syphilis.

just in case you're curious about the type of things you'll do while you're high on pcp.

just in case you're curious about the type of things you'll say while you're fucking retarded.

Terrible. This Is Just Terrible News.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. This week the world has lost two of it's brightest stars. I would like to have a moment of silence for Simona Halep's breasts. The 17-year-old player, who has become an online pin-up, said her 34FF boobs were holding her tennis career back and went under the knife to reduce her curves to a more manageable 34C. I know we're all hurting inside and I can assure you that you're not alone. It's okay to cry. I am. So please. A moment of silence.

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Okay, let's talk about guns. We'll start off with various suggestions people floated to me to address my New-York-Is-A-Communist-State-And-Won't-Allow-Me-To-Bring-My-Handgun-With-Me-On-Vacation problem. The first and most obvious solution would be to fuck em: bring my gun anyway. Dismantle it before the state line, lock it up in a firebox like I had planned, and then lock that firebox in the trunk. Then just don't drive like an asshole, and there shouldn't be any problem. Well, yes that's true, but I'm still committing a crime and I'm an avid believer in Murphy's Law. For those of you who've been hanging around long enough to remember when I first posted my, "how to get out of a speeding ticket," article, you'll remember that my one loss was to the state of New York back in, oh, I dunno, 1993 or so. Yeah, that ticket is still kinda "unpaid". So Murphy's law would dictate that this would be the one time since 1993 that I get pulled over in New York State, the ticket would somehow follow me, my car would somehow be searched and I would somehow end up getting aassed around Sing-Sing like a pack of Marboros. Besides, breaking the law and just keeping quiet about it really isn't a solution to my problem, now is it?

Second suggestion: rent a safety deposit box at a bank in Erie, Pennsylvania which is just before the PA/NY border, and leave the gun there for the two weeks. An excellent idea! So good in fact, that I did a Google search and found a bank that was literally -- 15 seconds -- from an I-90 exit. I called said bank and explained my situation, and they were very happy to help! The very nice woman took all my information and called me back five minutes later with all the information I would need to rent a safety deposit box. The catch is, since she asked and I told her what would be going in the box -- a handgun -- they can't rent it to me. Believe it or not -- storing cash or a handgun in a safety deposit box is against the law (Federal or State, she didn't know). She apologized profusely for accidentally tripping me up, and her suggestion was to try another bank and if they ask me what I was putting in the box, tell them to mind their own business. Like she said, she's sure hundreds of people have cash in safety deposit boxes too, but since they don't know about it, no harm no foul. So renting a safety deposit box sounds good at first, let's be honest trading one felony for another really isn't what I'm looking for, either.

Third suggestion is to find a pawn shop in PA and literally pawn my gun for two weeks. While this method is used quite often for people heading out to sea, or crossing over into Canada, I'm shooting this one down because I'm sure a guy with a Florida gun license trying to buy a used gun in Pennsylvania is surely going to lead to some interesting roadblocks. I'm just not comfortable with this idea.

My fourth option died on the Senate floor yesterday afternoon, when Senator Thune's mandatory state recoprocity bill failed by two votes. Yeah I know, guns are always going to carry a high profile in the media and in politics. Now I'm sure everyone first guess is that I'm all for this bill which would force all states with concealed carry laws to acknowledge the concealed carry permits of other states, essentially forced recoprocity. This would of course make my FL permit valid in NY, and thus NY could kiss my balls. And as convenient as that would be for me... I have to be honest... I think it was a poorly written piece of legislation. Yeah I know, I just threw up in my mouth, too. But here's why. The Thune bill, as written, would make the lowest common denominator the defacto standard for all the other states. Take for example Vermont, where you only have to be 16 fucking years old to carry a concealed handgun. Listen, I'm all for people packing heat, but handguns aren't for kids and yes, 16 year olds are still kids. Hell, there's even some adults are are fucking morons around guns. If the Thune bill set some sort of minimum standard in regards to age, mental & criminal checks, and a required safety course, then I'd be all for it. But as is, I think it's the NRA's equivilent to USC 2257 -- it's heart is in the right place but how it goes about accomplishing its task is flawed.

My fifth option -- the sixth being to just leave my fucking gun at home but that's not the point -- is to leave my handgun with someone in Pennsylvania as close to the NY border as possible. So it looks like that's the route I'm going to have to go!

Yeah, dogs rule. And I dunno if this is good or bad but my favorite movie director, Evil Dead creator Sam Raimi, might be making a movied based upon World of Warcraft. Huh.

EXCLUSIVE VIDEO: LeBron James dunked on by Xavier star Jordan Crawford. High Definition, high quality audio. This is authentic and 100 times better quality than the TMZ.com cell phone version!

not-very-good cat burglar / three stories of gravity = instant karma.

one-hundred things your little pains in the asses may never know about.

eight reasons why adam west is the most resilient victim of typecasting ever.

riding a bike? down some stairs? while i'm drunk? damn right it's a good idea!

"i bet i can hold this .30-06 in front of my face and not get hit by the recoil." "ok, you're on."

Union of Soviet Socialist New York, Pert Deux

Needless to say my gun rights vs New York post yesterday generated a lot of feedback and various suggestions -- some legal and some not so legal. I'm going to spoend the rest of today going through them all and post the juicy ones in tomorrow's update. And for those of you who offered to let me store my gun at your place just near the NY/PA border, I just may take one of you up on that offer!

Australian motocross rider Cameron Sinclair holds the world record for the longest ramp to ramp backflip at 129 feet 7 inches. Over the weekend at a Red Bull X-Fighters event in Madrid, Sinclair was seriously injured while attempting to perform a double backflip. He under-rotated which caused him to miss the landing and hit the ramp as he descended. He was rushed to a hospital in critical condition, suffering severe internal bleeding from a lacerated liver, a bruised brain, a broken shoulder blade, broken cheek bone, and broken shoulder cup. Medical personnel put Cam into an induced coma and rushed him into surgery to repair his liver. You can read about his progress here. Ouch.

Slate-V nails this video of how the modern news media would cover the moon landing if it occurred today. The Wolf Blitzer bit is especially funny and cringe-inducing. It's cringe-inducing because it's true!

Erin Andrews and ESPN is suing the everliving shit out of anyone who posts that video. So you're right, Dan, ain't no way in hell I'm posting that it... but I know someone who did.

In film, the term 3-D (or 3D) is used to describe any visual presentation system that attempts to maintain or recreate moving images of the third dimension, the illusion of depth as seen by the viewer. The technique usually involves filming two images simultaneously, with two cameras positioned side by side, generally facing each other and filming at a 90 degree angle via mirrors, in perfect synchronization and with identical technical characteristics. When viewed in such a way that each eye sees its photographed counterpart, the viewer's visual cortex will interpret the pair of images as a single three-dimensional image. Modern computer technology also allows for the production of pseudo-3D films using CGI and without the need for dual cameras. The term "3-D computer gaming" refers to an altogether different technology and effect. Generally, 3-D movie fair about as well as Russian mail order brides. But the latest movie to try this gimmick is Final Destination IV which is actually a flick my neighbor-the-grip worked on. And no offense to him, but I think the only reason i didn't make the list of the worst 3-D movies ever, is because Krista Allen is in it and she has a very pretty pussy. I'm just sayin.

Now, wake up and get your fucking dead wolf out of here.

kuroshio sea: the second largest aquarium tank in the world. HIGH DEFINITION.

mint map: world currencies in the recession. stupid chinese.

ten cool pixar mashups. pulp fiction meets toy story!

this is just a doe washing a kitty. that is all.

workd of warcraft freakout video kid - the prequel.

breakups suck. these are all user-submitted stories about those exes.

Union of Soviet Socialist New York.

Or as I call it, "Reason #284,015,501,749,865 to hate the State of New York."

See, here's the deal. Come August I'll be making my annual pilgrimage up to New York to get in some family time. So each year I load up a rented hatchback with my dogs and camping gear and make the 1,400 mile drive -- that new airline Pet Airways doesn't service Ft Myers or Rochester yet -- up the Eastern seaboard. The trip takes me from Florida through Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia (yeee haw), Pennsylvania, and finally into New York. Since it's a long drive taking me through some pretty back woods country (West Virginia, yee haw) and I'll be doing a good portion of it at night, I'd like to exercise my Second Amendment rights and bring one of my handguns with me. Now, as I am licensed to carry in Florida my permit is valid in several other states, known as reciprocity. So what I need to do is make sure my permit is honored in all of the states I'll be travelling through so I'm not breaking any laws. For example: Does Georgia honor my permit? Yes. South Carolina? Yes. North Carolina? Yes. Virginia? Duh, of course. West Virginia (yeee haw)? Yes. Pennsylvania? Yes. And finally into New York? That's a big fat fucking NO.

Okay, things might be different if they could chop off New York City/Long Island and give it to New Jersey, but until that happens New York is going to remain a gun-unfriendly state. Remember that New York's archaic handgun laws have been in effect every since the mid 80's thanks to Mario Cuomo. I can accept that. So now I start looking what my responsibilities are under the Peaceable Journey Law. That's a Federal statute that says if you can legally carry your firearm where you're starting from and legally carry your firearm where you're heading to -- then you can legally carry it through all the states in between, although you might have to unload/disassemble/secure it according to each state's requirements. Here's the catch: I don't fall under the peaceable journey law because I can't legally carry it at my final destination, which is the shithole known as New York State. And even if I were just driving through New York State -- let's say on my way to Massachusetts -- the way the New York laws are written they supercede the Federal law, and I can still be arrested and sent to the fucking gulag. Granted, I'd be able to fight it and eventually have the charges dismissed but that's after spending a few weeks in jail and spending thousands of dollars in legal fees.

Okay, says I. I'm a law abiding citizen, so I called up the New York State Troop E headquarters and explained my situation. What do I have to do to my handgun to make it legal for me to transport it into New York for a couple of weeks? Disassemble it? Trigger lock the remaining disassembled pieces? Store the ammunition separately from the disassembled pieces? Keep the locked and disassembled pieces in one locked box and the ammunition in another locked box? What? Answer: No dice. I can't even bring my handgun into New York state if it's unloaded, disassembled, separated, and locked up. Huh. Okay says I, how about once I cross into New York I drive to the nearest State Police building and turn over my handgun to them to keep for a few weeks? Nope, can't do that either.. Two reasons. First, I might run into an overzealous Trooper who decides to arrest me on the spot since I technically crossed into New York with "an illegal handgun". And second if I do turn in my gun, chances are I'll never get it back: I'd have to have the local Chief of Police here in Cape Coral write a letter to the New York State Police, assuring them that I'm a citizen in good standing and request they ship my handgun to him. And NYS can deny that request, and either way I certainly wouldn't have the gun my possession for my return drive of 1,400 miles back to Florida. The Trooper was sympathetic to my situation, but still cautioned me: cross the state line and happen to get stopped? Boom, felony. And that puts my existing permit in jeopardy, risking my right to carry back here in Florida.

Okay, says I. I'm a law abiding citizen, so I called up the Pennsylvania State Troop Headquarters and explained my situation. Since they're located a scant half an hour from the New York State border, I ask if it would be possible for me to stop there on my way through and surrender the handgun to them to lock up, and then pick it up two weeks later when I'm headed back to Florida. Answer: No. Because anytime they take possession of a firearm -- voluntarily or not -- there's a certain procedure they have to follow: ballistics tests, trace tests, checking with ATF, etc... the same procedures they go through if a gun is found on the side of the road. And there are no exceptions. His advice, was if I have any friends/family in Pennsylvania, to leave the gun with them.

As I've made clear before, I'm an avid supporter of the Second Amendment and my Constitutional right to bear arms -- true, I'm not too keen on assault rifles but that's a practicality thing -- but I truly believe that all law abiding citizens have the right to arm and defend themselves. I also strongly believe in the rights of each states to govern themselves; if one state wants to allow me to carry my handgun out in public and another one doesn't, that's okay with me. But I can't understand how one state's rights can supercede Federal law or my Constitutional right to bear arms. Especially when the geography of New York State effectively isolates all of New England from the other states. Listen, I'm a law abiding citizen, so why am I being treated like a criminal? There is absolutely no reason why I should not be allowed to store an unloaded, disassembled, separated, and locked up handgun -- essentially just some fancy paperweights -- for a few weeks while visiting friends and family. It's bullshit. So that's it, that's my story. New York sucks cock.

When you work on the railroad, you probably know that something terrible can happen. Maybe you'll break a bone, or lose a limb. Or maybe you'll lose the entire lower half of your freaking body. That's what happened to Truman Duncan, who, after falling off of a moving train, was dragged underneath the wheels. They severed his body in half at the waist, incredibly leaving him alive and conscious to hear the machinery grinding his body in two as he was dragged 75 feet. Truman decided that screaming like a little girl was neither manly nor helpful and instead pulled out his cell phone and dialed 911 from right there under the train. Then, because it took rescuers 45 minutes to get him out from under the train, he placed a few calls to his family as well. Today, Truman is back at work at a desk job. He says he can still do the things he did before the accident like swimming, playing with his kids and screaming, "Fuck you!" at every train he passes.

Today unleashes a new game challenge, and guess what? You get to blow shit up. No, not like space ships blow shit up, I mean demolition with dynamite blow shit up. Demolish the buildings so no rubble remains above the set line. Use the mouse to place the sticks of dynamite on the beams. You can only place one stick of dynamite per beam and only on the concrete ones. Some levels require you to make sure no rubble hits an adjacent building. I completed all twenty levels and managed to make $252,397 -- now yes I know there's a walk through available, but if you follow that you'll most likely tie my score. Your challenge is to beat it by conserving dynamite!

Zacharius Knight "Zach" Galifianakis is a Greek-American comedian and actor, known for numerous film and television appearances including his own Comedy Central Presents special. He is well known for his unconventional stand-up style, that features the reading of one-liners while playing a piano during his performances.Galifianakis co-starred in the comedy The Hangover, released in June 2009. The film became an overnight Box office smash and is helping to raise Galifianakis's profile to more mainstream appeal. The Hangover 2 is already set to hit theatres in 2011.

Kevin Spacey is one of my favorite actors -- probably because he's short and fat like me -- and I didn't like him as Bobby Darin in Beyond the Sea but hey, who knew he did impressions? And I usually hate impressions. And guess what? I still do.

Forty years ago, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became the first humans to walk on the Moon. This was quite an achievement for mankind and a key milestone in world history. To commemorate this event the Command Module code (Comanche054) and Lunar Module code (Luminary099) have been transcribed from scanned images to run on yaAGC by the Virtual AGC and AGS project.

the ten best summer camps for adults. curly's gold, anyone?

the one hundred biggest MOST AWESOME celebrity breasts of all time.

fort ticonderoga, the ring tailed lemur, wolfenstein 3d, the hoover dam, and the battlecruiser kirov.

let's watch some onboard HIGH DEFINITION shuttle cameras during launch!

ten hollywood females who should follow in eva longoria's footsteps.

How To Have An Impact On Those Around You.

September 2005: I pull up stakes from Chelmsford, Massachusetts and move on down to Cape Coral, Florida. December 2008: Chelmsford now ranks #21 on the top 100 cities to live, while over the same span of time Cape Coral has vaulted to the #8 spot on the cities with the heaviest drinking. Coincidence? Not a fucking chance. So there you have it; proof that I can change American history.

Listen, I don't want to be a pessimist or anything, but does anyone see this ending well?

Ever come across a couple of things that aren't supposed to work together, you'd never think they'd work together, there's no way they could work together, but surprisingly they do? Yeah, me neither.

Ever since Tiger Woods missed the opening cut of the British Open, the media has been filled with rumors that his career is over. Now just for a second, set aside the he is/is not finish debate and ask yourself this: if you were Tiger Woods would you even both continuing to golf professionally? You've got like seven hundred bazillion dollars, you're going to make another seven hundred bazillion dollars in endorsements over the next decade, you've already had one knee surgery, and you've got a smokin hot wife and a new baby. So, what the fuck are you doing still wasting your time in competition? For fuck's sake, relax, man. Teach golf at the local pro shop like Chubbs. Go out and teach women how to drive golf carts. Go out and get a sportscasting job if you feel the need to stay in the professional circuit. Go on Dancing with the Stats. But fuck dude, you'll never have to work a day in your life. Shit, your next twenty generations of kids will never have to work a day in their lives either. So take it easy, please.

So, what's the best thing about dating an art student? And the worst thing? Blue bathroom walls.

Are you horny? Would you like your meat weapon charged? Then you obviously need this.

These dehydrated peas didn't make the list of ten things we didn't know about the Apollo 11 mission to the moon.

world'o'meters: world statistics updated in real time.

five disasters that could have been avoided. stupid shoes.

uhhh, i haven't been this uncomfortable since brokeback mountain.

the vendor/client relationship in real life. nothing could be more spot on.

wow, someone holds a grudge: why i won't be at my high school reunion.

so if you knock your opponent out during a slapping contest, that means you win, right?

So Long, Most Trusted Man In America, We Hardly Knew Ye.

drunk people. and yoga positions.

sixteen diy projects that make summer more fun.

craigslist: to the other guy at the urinal (restroom at work)."

the "most trusted man in america" passes away in new york at ninety-two.

funontheferriswheel - nicegreenboots - nicegreensocks - these2losers - triggerdiscipline

nasa's lunar reconnaissance orbiter photos all the apollo landing sites. where's apollo 13's? oh.

old and busted: three wolf tshirt. the new hotness: three keyboard kitty tshirt.

Given You've Got Nothing Better To Do.

Given my recent infatuation with Emma Watson, I'd like to thank everyone who brought these topless pictures of her to my attention, but alas, it's a photoshop of this girl. Thanks for thinking of me, though.

Given that there's a walk through for Red Remover the onyl way to really challenge you is to count the Bonus Mode score, which as Paul explains to us, "It blacks out the entire thing except for a small circle of visibility around your mouse. It's only really irritating on a few missions (where timing is critical). Thing is you don't need to get par on the bonus ones if you get it without the bonus turned on, which can actually make it a lot easier."

Given we've got a warm spell rolling through southwest Florida over the next couple of days, I'll do my darndest to make the best of it, but I'll have to be extra careful not to leave my iPhone or my crayons outside.

Given this was somewhat local news for me, I'd be curious to hear people's reaction to this are.

Given I love Five Guys almost as much as I love Eastbound and Down, and given they haven't been nominated for a single award, it's no surpise that I'll be boycotting the Emmys this year.

Given that orange is energy, enthusiasm, 'get-it-done' attitude, and balance, I can fully understand your sudden desire to do just that. Just be sure ya'll be safe out there, ya heyuh?

because we all know religion is awesome!

the top ten hospitals in american - surprisingly, none are in florida.

ten deleted scenes from your favorite comedies. fucking hulk hands.

ten singles that were way better than the movies they came from.

deathmatch: billy mays vs vince the sham-wow guy. get on the ball!

Better Late Than Never, Eh?

This morning I was browsing around the Web Archive looking for old EHOWA stuff, and couldn't find what I was looking for. Then it dawned on me; I had to look up ernieshouseofwhoopass.com, which is the domain name I used immediately following the Jim Henson lawsuit thing. Unfortunately, the archive doesn't grab everything, so the most functional version of the 'old page' can be found here, complete with my world famous "3stickfucking" animated GIF file. People still bust my balls about EHOWA looking so old fashioned -- no flash, limited java, no comments or user signups, but I dunno I guess it just reminds me of simpler when all I had to do was sit around and pickle my liver. Kind of like Flaherty and Disney World. Ah, those were the good old days, eh?

No, nowadays more of my money finds its way into my gas tank than it does my stomach. Which brings me to something else I saw the other day: a street sign noting that golf carts were legal to ride on the streets in this particular neighborhood I was visiting. Now I've heard of golf carts being used in gated communities and camp ground.... but on city streets? How cool is that? Rid around your neighborhood in a bad ass golf cart. And I'm not talking about those GEM electric cars either, I'm talking about plain old golf carts. So this led me to a little research and apparently...

It also noted that only roads up to 35MPH speed limits were eligible to be golf cart friendly. Which is kind of silly because I can take a 49cc scooter which is limited to 30mph, and ride that bad boy down on any 55mph non-highway roads I want and even though I'm holding up traffic, it's still legal. But a golf car that can keep up with traffic is illegal. Weird. It's too bad, because I was gonna get some spinners and shit, then I could hit the switches and pick up the bitches like Christian Ronaldo!

Ah we've come a long way since the X-15, eh? Until we advance to the stage of zombie robots doing our fighting for us, these five spies have much bigger balls than James Bond.

Wade Boggs was known for his superstitions as much as his hitting. He ate chicken before every game, woke up at the same time every day, took exactly 100 ground balls in practice, took batting practice at 5:17, and ran sprints at 7:17. His route to and from his position in the field beat a path to the home dugout. He is a Hall of Fame baseball player. But, more importantly, Wade Boggs is a Hall of Fame drinker. According to the legend, Wade Boggs once drank 64 Miller Lites during a seven-hour flight. That's amazing. But then he was also known for pulling some pretty high quality ass, too. On the flip side, Barack Obama got to throw out the first pitch at the MLB All-Star game yesterday and got booed before he even got to the mound, but what I mean is the fans in St. Louis should have saved up all their booing for when Obama actually pitched, because he throws like an elitist sissy and the ball dropped in front of the plate like General Motors stock price.

a dog's eulogy: hanover. 1994-2009.

find out about where you live with townme.

to become old and wise, we must first be young and stupid.

one pickup truck runs a red light and six vehicles end up totaled.

if you had to eat the food out of someone’s moustache... burt reynolds or tom selleck?

the best people's court ending ever - defendant joe somar, explaining why his life is hard.

I Trust I Have Your Attention Now, Yes?

The Vermont Death Race -- the race that may kill you - ten miles. You can expect barbed wire, mud boggin, wood choppin, tunnels, deep water diving, running, crawling, crying, screaming, and sweating. It's doubtful you'll even finish, but be proud of yourself for trying. But I suppose if you're really a good athlete, you might make it by the skin of your teeth.

On call 24/7 for the past six years, three senior citizens have made history by greeting nearly one million U.S. troops at a tiny airport in Maine. Filled with unexpected turns, their uplifting and emotional journey demonstrates the meaning of community at a time when America needs it most. And if you aren't looking forward to that movie, then you deserve to be kicked in the nuts.

The most important original Ecto-1 from Ghostbusters auction you'll see all day. Buy it for me and I'll let you sit up front. Because I'll be in the back seat, showing your girlfriend where babies come from, so don't turn around. Yipie-Ki-Yay, motherfucker!

Personally, I think the joke is on whoever picks up that Chevy Suburban at the next police auction. Gonna want some Febreeze. Old and busted: Star Trek is the new Star Wars. The new hotness: The Hangover is Dude Where's My Car.

So just who is the world's highest grossing actor? I'll give you a hint: he's had it with these muthafuckin snakes on this muthafuckin plane. As far as who the highest grossing porn actor is, I dunno.

five best surprises of the half-blood prince - sorry, emma watson's first topless scene ain't on the list.

left 4 dead + shaun of the dead = TOTAL ZOMBIE AWESOMENESS.

learn all about me and one hundred of my good friends.

watch a handmade ferrari v-12 engine be born into this world.

a gay double amputee sings mariah carey's obsessed while dancing on his/her hands. you're welcome.

I Would Shoot You Deader Than.... Well... Just Really Dead, Okay?

New games. I have one challenge and one not-a-challenge-but-still-pretty-fucking-cool. The game challenge is by the same folks who brought us Super Stacker 2, which I think is still one of th ebest games out there. Anyway, forget what you know about gravity in this innovative physics removal game called Red Remover. Your goal is to remove the red shapes without letting any green shapes fall off the screen. This starts out simple but things get a bit more interesting after level 10, and I'm currently on level 21. Now, for those of you looking to idle away a little more time I have this to offer you: a MOTHERFUCKING ZOMBIE INFESTATION! Actually I think it's one of the better zombie games out there, right up with The Last Stand. And Zombie Infestation isn't mindless like Boxhead and there's an actual goal... you have to escape the house crawling with undead who are looking to devour your brains. My only complaint is you can't reuse keys. Other than that, rock on. And you may have to brighten your monitor because it's kind of dark -- and kind of creepy.

So what was the most memorable part of UFC 100 for you? For me, it wasn't Michael Bisping getting completely knocked the fuck out by Dan Henderson, it was this interview with Keith Jardine and thinking, "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, LOOK AT HIS CAULIFLOWER EAR." Badge of courage, my ass. How the fuck does that guy even hear anything? And admittedly, the Octogon Girls weren't too rough on the eyes, either.

Thanks Jason.... that offending NSFW link was pulled down and replaced with this one. And for you Rod, I don't want to look like an ass but I think it has something to do with CSS, but to be honest I couldn't guess what. I'm sure someone reading this will and will write in and set us straight. But kudos to you for sending a screen cap so I at least had some clue as to what you were talking about.

want to get a little taste of iraq/afghanistan? this is what an unexploded IED looks like.

i'm not 100% absolutely sure, but i think there's alcohol involved here.

nine toys that prepare your children for a life of menial labor.

ten bizarre things you didn't know you could buy online.

the ten greatest movie badasses of all time.

So I Kept Hollywood In Business This Weekend.

I went and caught not one, but two movies this weekend. The first I've been looking forward to every since I first saw the trailer a few months ago: Johnny Depp's portrayal of John Dillinger in Public Enemies. My advice -- and it pains my heart to say this -- wait for it to come out on DVD/Bluray, because it was horribly disappointing. The acting was good, the story was good... but the editing was fucking horrible. The storyline jumped all over the fucking place. Once scene they're in Indiana and the next they're in Florida and the next they're in New Mexico -- only there's no cut scene explaining how or why. One robbery the cops show up, the next they don't. There's no continuity from one scene to another. And what makes it so disappointing is of the two great actors in the movie -- Depp and Christian Bale -- their total onscreen interaction time? Eh, maybe thirty seconds; pretty much what you see in the trailer. It's like someone made two different movies by taking random clips from the cutting room floor and strung them all together to play side by side. It sucked. But not as much as what I have to report next -- and this really pains my fucking heart -- the second movie I went to go see was The Proposal with Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock. But here's what's horrible about it: it was actually a better movie than Public Enemies. Yeah, I know. I was surprised too. And while her face is looking a little tired, for a 45 year old broad, Bullock has still got it going on. And for a chick who makes her bread and butter off romantic comedies, my advice is this: if you want to break out of the genre, it's easy. All you have to do is finally take off your shirt. I'm not suggesting you do a threesome with your co-star, Betty White, but Jesus you can at least give us a nipple or two to chew on.

Another chick who reminds of Sandra Bullock is Tina Fey, and she's someone else I've always found attractive in a hot librarian kind of way. You know, the "I don't have to take my shirt off because I'm hot and smart," kind of mentality. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but judging from Tina's yearbook picture I'm guessing she put out a lot in her teens.

So long Arturo Gatti, we hardly knew ye. Personally? I love you, Tim Wakefield. Not as much as this guy loves his Toyota Landcruiser, but close. And I mean to suggest that I don't love you too, Josh Becket. It's just that I love Tim a little more. That old man knuckleballer will be 43 in August. And somehow, he's leading the American League in wins and got selected to this year's All-Star Game. He's so old that he was on the Pirates when they were good. But as long as the Sox hang the Yankees up by their asses this season, I'm happy.

Now I've replied back to Dave twice, asking for more details, but haven't received a reply yet. When you hit Ernie Street you should receive a popup. One single, solitary popup, and that's once every 24 hours. If you're seeing more than that, something is wrong so please let me know. As for popups on other sites, hey there's not much I really can do about that since I don't control them -- but when people do bring it to my attention I always let the 'offending webmaster' know about the complaint. And while I try not to link to sites that have a big amount of popups, someones one will sneak past my radar so again, feedback is key. Websites come in all shapes and sizes, but I think its pretty safe to say porn sites are going to have more popups than other safe-for-work sites. But I will tell you this -- and don't worry this isn't a dangerous site as it is just disappointing -- I don't link to sites NSFW sites like this. Sure they've got awesome material, and I'd love to check out the pictures, but when you click on anything past the first one... that's not what you get. Instead you get forwarded on to any one of a dozen random URLs which have absolutely zip to do with the full sized image you were expecting. I hate that shit, so (aside from this one time) I'd sooner watch a drunk chick breastfeed her baby than link to sites like that. Also, all of the thumbnail links are WYSIWYG -- so unlike some sites, I won't use a pair of tits to link to a game site just to artificially boost their traffic. That's just not how I roll, Dave.

twenty-four things you didn’t know about the first moon landing.

ten business lessons i learned from playing dungeons and dragons.

awww, these girls are spring breaking their daddy's hearts. mostly sfw.

war stories from the making of bruno. too bad the hunters from alabama didn't shoot.

you brits sons'a'nitches just moved up NINE notches in my book. will you marry me, terri?

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

the splendid young rack of one ms. emma watson.

the top ten movie gross out moments - it's a complete and total barf-o-rama.

flight data recorder, Tomb of the Unknowns, pacemaker, lionfish, meningitis.

got myspace? got dead? this is where you end up.

five auto atrocities to throw down a black hole.

flops and tops: movies that told critics to suck it.

ode to david carradine - six great movies where people are hunted for sport.

how well do you know computer file extensions?

important phone call - irish sunglasses - married too long - pirate minivan

This One Is For You, Uncle Andy.

After I closed yesterday's post with, "... we get introduced to shock collars!" I received an urgent text message from my friend Andy who wanted to express his reservation about the use of these collars. I responded back to Andy by saying, "Well shock collar is kind of a strong word, but 'tingly sensation collar' just doesn't have the same ring to it." But his concern certainly cast the seed of doubt in my mind, so when the first lesson with the dog trainer began last night, I immediately barraged him with a dozen questions on how we're going to use these collars. You see I (... and Andy too, apparently) was under the same false assumption that 95% of the rest of the world is under -- that these shock collars are used in a punitive nature. You know, "Bad dog!" ...BZZZZZT! But as it turns out, nothing -- absolutely nothing -- could be further from the truth. They are NOT used in conjunction with, "bad dog," or "get off the counter," or as punishment for any sort of negative behavior. They're used exclusively as an attention getter; the electronic equivalent to reaching out and poking your dog in the ribs and saying, "Hey you pay attention."

For starters, let's talk about what the shock feels like; because there's no way I was putting this thing on my fucking dog without my feeling it first, I don't care how many dogs you've trained. Banish all the mental pictures you have of a startled dog yelping in the air while they're being drug down the Green Mile: that's simply not the case. The duration of the zap is like a quick instantaneous pop, not a prolonged burst. And the sensation it gives isn't what I would call pain, it's just... well, it's the same pins-and-needles sensation you get when your leg falls asleep. It doesn't hurt -- granted it doesn't feel good either -- it's just, well, weird. It makes your dog stop what they're doing, and take notice. "What the fuck was that?"

The power setting is adjustable from 1 to 127 -- anything below 10 and I wasn't able to feel it even on the underside of my wrist -- and even then it was more, "Huh, did I just feel something?" >Zap!< "Huh, yeah I guess I did feel something. Sort of." Very gentle, almost unnoticeable, like when you're trying really hard to hear the higher pitched tones during a hearing test. Crank it up to 30 and it feels the same as your leg does when it falls asleep after a few minutes. Imagine as you're sitting as your desk right now, if your leg went from completely normal -- to all pins and needles -- and back to completely normal, all in the blink of an eye. It'd sure get your attention, right? it wouldn't hurt, it would be startling. Same thing with the shock collars. The highest setting we made it to was 45 for a few quick blasts to Bianca when she was more interested in running across the street to get to the neighbor's dog than she was at paying attention to the trainer.

Now let's go back to that 'hey you' electronic poke of the finger. I think I mentioned before that 0.0000374 seconds after I let Bianca off the leash one time, she made a mad dash straight into the lake behind my house, thus requiring me to jump in right after her. She didn't stop when I told her to, she ignored my calling her name, instead she went where she wanted to and I was invited to go fuck myself for my trouble. Thus I think we can agree that she is *not* off-the-leash-trained, which is one of the things we're trying to accomplish with this trainer. And when she's on the leash, giving her gentle (and not so gentle!) tugs with leash correction has been for the most part, ineffective. She'll pay attention for a minute or so, and then go back to running out her leash with arm dislocating yanks. Now enter the shock collar -- or "stimulation collar" as the trainer would like them to be referred to. Put that on Bianca, give her a little zap -- or stimulation -- until she looks up at you, guide her back to you with the leash, give her another stimulation, and praise her. Take a few steps away from her -- zap -- guide her back to you -- zap to stop -- and more praise. Why the second zap? Because otherwise you're calling your dog to you and she could run right past you. The first zap means 'hey you come here' the second means 'hey you stop'. If the dog wanders away or gets distracted by something else -- a quick zap 'hey you pay attention' to get them focused onto you, then more praise.

As far as the dog knows, when they wander away or don't pay attention, they get this weird uncomfortable feeling. But when they stick close to their owner, they get praise. So within ten minutes of starting out, both dogs had stopped running the leashes out to the end and were instead dutifully following us around like well behaved little pains in the asses. And guess what? They weren't scared, they weren't broken, they weren't cowering in the corner. They were actually happy because of all the praise they were getting. We're supposed to work with each dog, ten minutes at a time, four times a day for the next week. So while I don't want there to be any misconceptions about me being totally onboard the shock collar thing just yet -- I can certainly see how they could be abused in the hands of a sadistic asshole -- I can certainly see their usefulness, too. Bonus: the shock collars are size adjustable and can fit a human neck, so I can't wait to bring an all new dimension to Beer Pong!

And yes, I was the one to block out Ernie's owner's phone number; having your number posted at the local dog park is a lot different than having it posted on the internet. A girl my oldest brother knew tried this shit in a four foot pool, and she's been in a wheelchair for like thirty years now, so I guess busting your teeth ain't so bad, eh? it sure as hell beats all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light. That's right, a total protonic reversal.

well, rhianna seems to be feeling better.

five world leaders who miss george w. bush.

the seven types of employees you meet at best buy.

thirteen funniest celebrity film cameos playing themselves.

the most spectacular thing about this bat is who hasn't used it!

ten facts about detroit. eleven if you count, "we'll fuckin stab you."

grandma on dirtbike + grandma in wheelchair = grandmas on the ground.

ten common misconceptions about islam? do not destroy buildings? uhhhhhh...

A Few Things To Contemplate During Your Day.

Okay, we'll start out with a little soul searching today. And I want you to think for a seconds before answering, and try to be as honest as possible. If you had the chance to sleep with Megan Fox, but knew beforehand that she was a posessed by a Satanic demon that was going to literally eat your face mid coitus, my question is: would you bother with a rubber?

And now let's talk about something that normally drives me fucking insane - Sacha Baron Cohen. First and foremost I hate him because he's banging Isla Fisher and I'm wicked jealous. Secondly I hate him because I simply don't find his Borat or Bruno characters even remotely funny. But then -- but then -- he goes on David Letterman as himself -- the first non-character interview I've ever seen of him -- and guess what? The guy is actually kinda normal. Dare I even say, actually kinda funny? I mean I dunno, I'm so full of mixed emotions here I don't know what to do. Do I give Bruno a chance? I dunno, I guess I'll have to sleep on it.

Old and busted: The Eternal Flame. The new hotness: The Eternal Moonwalk, which even I have to admit is pretty cool. Not quite as cool as safe for work porn -- and oh yes, I'm going to go see it, but close.

Also, you've heard me ramble on about two women I consider to be classic beauties -- Bridget Moynahan (God I hate you so much, Tom Brady. See Isla Fisher reference above) and Anne Hathaway. All the other broads in Hollywood are either reinventing themselves twice a year, bouncing up and down weight wise, and otherwise just trying to be attention whores. Now not my Classic Beauties. Well today I add yet another to my very short list: Emma Watson. So now there are three.

The top ten places to increase your risk of: type 2 diabetes, increased risk of heart disease, high blood pressure, breathing problems, trouble sleeping (sleep apnea), depression, anxiety, high total cholesterol, stroke, gallbladder disease, and osteoarthritis. Oh, sorry, I mean the top ten places to east XXL meals. of course you'll never find a PETA member there, because they're all too busy out killing strippers.

Wow, you really think it was that bad, Rick? Honestly, I thought this one was much worse. And let's honest -- even that wasn't ad bad as the last twenty minutes of Indians Jones 4. So here is seven minutes of Harold Ramis talking about Ghostbusters 3. I swear to fucking God, if you fuck this up like Spielberg did with Indy 4, I'm going to set you on fucking fire. Not you, Rick, I mean Harold.

Met the dog trainer last night. Ike and Bianca were their usual high strung (semi) pains in the ass, which was good, because now Dennis the trainer knows what he has to work with. He put on a little show with his dog -- a German Shepard with the words "FREIGHTLINER" on the side -- and it was like the fucking thing was on remote control. So tonight is our first session and we get introduced to... shock collars! Bzzzt!

ten of the most horrible deaths by women in star trek.

the annual allstate america's best drivers report -- good luck philadelphia.

series of visual stats to help you understand just how much a petabyte that really is.

EXCLUSIVE SCENES from the upcoming ASTEROIDS movie. SAMUEL L JACKSON plays the president.

the twenty-eight nfl teams ranked -- by cheerleader hotness. at least the raiders do something well.

seventeen foot snake gets dental work and dinner at the same time. bad piggy wiggy.

Some Neet Stuff To Keep Your Eyes On.

You know, love her or hate her, Katy Perry does have a pretty spectacular set of knockers. Although you ladies might understandable find these oddly sexual photos of Commander Riker a little more pleasing to the eye than I would.

This list of the ten funniest videos of people falling off stages including my personal favorite, Helen Keller. Or at least an actress portraying her anyway. I mean c'mon, I'm not that big of a bastard. Yeah I know, yeah sure, famous last words, eh?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That ranks up there as one of the most inappropriate things I've encountered during the Michael Jackson memorial. Speaking of which, was anyone else really freaked out by his daughter getting up on stage and talking to the crowd? I thought that was kind of inappropriate. No, not like THAT kind of inappropriate, I just mean that at some point shouldn't one of the adults step forward and say, "Listen honey, I know you really want to let the world know you loved your dad, but up on a stage in front of millions of people around the world isn't the best place for you right now." But hey, that's just me, always protecting the children. But admit it, when Thriller comes on, you've got nothing but love for the man.

STOP SEEING THIS MOVIE: transformers 2 might be the biggest abortion to break the $400 million club.

needless to say, david letterman was crushed -- crushed -- to hear of sarah palin's resignation.

three white dudes: "we're gonna fuck you up, nigger!" black dude: "bring that shit."

video: toyota employees taped stealing from, watching porn in customer's truck.

twelve television characters we never see (even though they were on tv).

ten things we've learned from failed threequels.

Old and Busted. The New Hotness.

NY Congressman Pete King has had it up to _here_ with Michael Jackson tributes -- I mean your very own commemorative t-shirt? C'mon. Perhaps it is all getting a bit old, but Congressman Pete is baffled as to why the world doesn't show the same outpouring of support over firefighters. No one doubts that firefighters and police officers are brave folks, but can they dance?

The thirty sexiest pics from women's beach volleyball: somewhere in this picture of Nicky Whelan, there's a volleyball. For the life of me I can't see it.

Old and busted: Crazy homeless people on the steets of Los Angeles. The new hotness: Crazy celebrities in the film studios of Los Angeles. Nah, I'm just kidding, Jason Lee. I don't care if you're a Scientologist or not: your wife is hot and your tv show is (was!) very funny. Besides, I thought Jerry Seinfeld was a Jew?

Old and busted: An out-of-ideas Hollywood is going to make a movie out of the game Asteroids. The new hotness: The really-out-of-ideas Hollywood is going to make a movie out of the old tv series, TJ Hooker. And just where the fuck is my Hogans Heroe's remake, hmmmm?

Old and bsuted: Dave Chapelle lectures us on how men don't really like nice cars, women like nice cars; but since men like women, men have to have nice cars to catch the women. The new hotness: Someone chick actually writes an article on famous cars that make women horny.

Old and busted: drunk rednecks and the war on Ay-rabs (Where the fuck is that accent from? West Virginia, maybe?). The new hotness: drunk rednecks shows us how to launch 3,000 bottle rockets all at once, using a hunk of chain link fence.

Old and and busted: freight train vs toronado. The new hotness: freight train vs backflipping ATV.

Old and busted: Launching an remote control model airplane from your 10th floor apartment, flying around Rio De Janeiro, and then landing it right back through open doorway to your balcony. The new hotness: a remote control Mil-24 Hind-D attack helicopter that's actually powered by a miniature turbine engine. Somewhere right now, a remote control Rambo sitting in a military prison and pissing his pants.

the ten worst most effective prisons in the modern world.

forbes top earning musicians of 2009. ac/dc? $60 million? really?

identity theft for everybody! social security numbers deduced from public data.

virtual tour of michael jackson's arcade. karate champ? no wonder he got so much ass.

0>

Does McNamara Count As A Celebrity Death?

And yes, I know that's Rumsfeld, not McNamara. So. Let me tell you about my Fourth of July weekend. it started off with a surprise visit from Steve from Atlanta. Steve is the guy who took photos of the illegal immigrant bust, and was my travel buddy during my Washington DC trip a few years back. Now in tow with Steve, is his son Vincent who is deathly afraid of dogs. As a reminder, I now have two and both of which are kind of spastic around new people. But given some time, all three of them (two dogs & Vincent) were playing together in the pool; Vincent throwing racquet balls and Ike & Bianca more than happy to play fetch. Vincent is now now longer afraid of dogs and all is right with the world! But then it's time to go, and after drying the dogs off, I put them in my office (glass doors) so the Steve clan can safely say goodbye without crazy dogs afoot. Comfortably past his fear of dogs, Vincent makes one trip back to the office door to wave goodbye to the dogs, who in turn press their noses against the already nose-print streaked glass. It was a Normal Rockwell moment. Vincent turned to head out the door and and then... it happened. I don't know who threw the first blow, but on the other side of the glass it was all out fucking war. A black and white tussle of growling, snapping and biting. I burst open the office door and throw myself into the middle of the fight. Any by, "in the middle," I mean I volunteered my hands to be in the dogs mouths, instead of having them clamp down on each other. Hey fuck you, vet trips are expensive. It took more effort to get them seperated this time, than any other tussle they've been in. I literally had two hands on Bianca's jaws and was prying her mouth apart for all I was worth, and she still didn't let go of Ike until she was damned good and ready. Keep in mind she's only twenty fucking pounds. So by he time I get them apart my right hand is bleeding and riddled with bite marks, the girlfriend's wrist is bruised in the shape of a dog's ass, and Vincent is crying his eyes out. But hey, at least the dogs made it through unscathed! So anyway here I am, my bloodied hand spattering blood as I wave goodbye to Steve and his family, and thinking if little Vincent wasn't afraid of dogs before, he sure as fuck is now.

With the dogs ready to throw down at a moments notice, an overnight trip was suddenly out of the question. This of course led me to have to cancel my original Fourth of July plans I made a few months ago, going up to St Pete to see Tony and Gloria like we did last year, and instead choosing to stick around locally so I could keep track of the dogs every few hours or so. Indeed, my dogs did not make me very proud to be an American that day. And it was here with some other bowling folks, that Mike amazed everyone with a terrific impression of Jesus, while Bill did his best Michael Jackson. And after a 45 minute no-show by the douchebags at 275-TAXI, we caught a ride home (from a designated driver, thank you very much), threw up, and went to bed.

And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse -- presuming I haven't been blown up by the 6,403 nuclear missiles within range of Caqpe Coral, most of which are Russian -- I wake up to the news that they're going to make a movie out of the game Asteroids. I can absolutely guarantee you that this movie will NOT make the list of movies with the highest body count. And before you ask, no I'm not kidding and no that wasn't a spoof. And yet, there's still no sequel to Army of Darkness. Fuck me.

So while I do find this a little embarassing to admit, I need help with these dogs. So about twenty minutes ago I left a message for a K-9 trainer. Stay tuned.

a fellow soldier was impaled by a live rpg. for medics and a helicopter crew, there was only one choice.

the commodore 64, crazy horse memorial, b-29 superfortress, right whale and korean air flight 007.

in honor of michael jackson's passing, i offer you the most awesome delorean repossession ever.

cheapest places to live in the world. all for $500 a month, and no detroit.

interactive graphic: mapping the world's fastest supercomputers.

your goal is quite simple: find the X and click on it.

ten tips for surviving the zombie apocalypse.

Happy Independence Day!

Our forefathers swore: "For the support of this Declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor."

Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. "Mankind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!" We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

So just for a moment -- before the beer, bratwurst, burgers and bangs begin -- take a moment to remember what we are celebrating. Our nation's birthday. Some of us were lucky enough to have won the genetic lottery to live in this country; others fled their homelands to be here. Both of us enjoy more freedom here, than anywhere else in the world. Also remember that our freedom is not cheap and persons better than ourselves have paid for it with their very lives. Honor them. They gave you and me a free and independent America. And for Christ's sake, if you're going to launch your own fireworks today, please don't do it out of your ass.

patriotic twitter backgrounds.

four more forgotten founding fathers.

the best way to photograph fireworks.

eleven videos of irresponsible fireworks use.

the most awesome stop motion fireworks you'll see all day.

strange patriotism: the american flag's weirdest moments on film.

fireworks, fireworks, fireworks. works best at about 1400 resolution.

Go. No. Go. No. Go. No. Go. No. Go. No. Go. No.

When I went to go visit my father out in Las Vegas, we stayed at The Stratosphere which is the big space needlely hotel and casino with the roller coasters on top. And as with all high rise tourist attractions, they have an observation deck. But what made this one somewhat unique is the glass windows were set at a forty-five degree angle. Now let me preface this by saying that I'm not afraid of heights. But. Try as I might, I simply could not get myself to actually step on the slanted glass as other people were doing. My feet just wouldn't do it. I could look over them. I could lean over and hold myself up by the metal bar that ran along the top. But I simply could not step on them. It was the weirdest thing.

Rationally I could sit there and look at the 1" thick bolts holding the 2" thick glass in place, and knew there was no way they were going to fail. And I could rationally look around and see three, sometimes even four people doing the exact same thing, all standing on a single pane of glass. And yet my feet just wouldn't move. Even when I tried to psyche myself up for it, I'd get all pumped and I'd get the instantaneous boost of adrenaline just before I was going to step and them boom -- my feet were frozen in place. They simply refused to step off into nothingness. It was really mind boggling. I'm glad I didn't have to pay any extra to get up there.

Anyway, this is why you should always invite Natalie Gulbis to your Fourth of July cookouts. You're welcome.

Man that's some gross shit. All I could think of was Emily Deschanel holding up a finger and singing, "Dancing phalanges!" I wouldn't be surprised if they gave him a nice dead gay buttfuckin before they ate him. I guess hanging out with hungry Thai people is more dangerous than treadmills and exercise balls, combined. See, if it wasn't for me, you'd be stuck with lame shit like this: The internet in 1999. The internet in 2009. Yeah, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Like I can't even tell if this is a cell phone or a gun?

Well, one thing I definitely won't be doing this weekend is going to see Transformers 2 as everyone tells me the plot line is quite stupid and the 2+ hour long movie is filled with nothing but mindless CGI fight scene after mindless CGI fight scene. Instead? I'll probably grab some Five Guys burgers, maybe kick back in my boxers and catch an awesome looking zombie movie! First Captain Kirk, now he's fighting zombies? That Chris Pine is sure scoring points in my book.

Well Tim, one of two things is true. Either (A) I searched all around the internet, seeking out websites that hosted various videos that had no sound, or (B) you've got your speakers turned off. I'll let you guess which option is more likely. Good luck with that and feel free to call if you need any more help.

Sure, Alanis Morisette's "You Oughtta Know" and Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Are Made For Walkin'" are famous songs about women who've been cheated on (probably with this girl). But uh, "Smell Yo Dick?" Really? And man I hate to say it, but Jesus Fucking Christ, this kid is fucked. As much as I'd welcome it, I really don't see this having a happy ending.

you will NOT find a better way to blow off your friday afternoon, than playing this DOOM 2D.

top twenty-two favorite nude scenes in mainstream cinema. mmm, anne hathaway.

ultra orthodox jews are just as freaking crazy as their islamic counterparts.

seven great sci-fi chase scenes - uh, what about the fifth element?

ten incredibly awesome spring break bikini contest videos. yes, it's SFW.

hate that 'all the single ladies' song? hate clowns? then this video IS FOR YOU!

an annual staple for baseball fans: ben fry's salary vs performance chart. go sox!

remember when you used to beat off to debbie gibson videos? i guess you still can.

As Patrick Swayze Quietly Snickers.

How about a medium rare steak with A1 Steak Sauce, fried chicken breasts and thighs, BBQ ribs, French fries, onion rings, bacon, scrambled eggs with onions, fried potatoes with onions, sliced tomatoes, salad with ranch dressing, two hamburgers, peach pie, milk, coffee, and iced tea with real sugar. If you think that's unhealthy, you should see what the lethal injection will do to you afterwards.

So everywhere you look lately it's Bruno, Bruno, Bruno. And you know what? I just can't do it. I just don't find him funny. I even watched the red-band R-rated trailer, and still... nothing. And yet somehow this guy managed to -- in real life now -- get Isla Fisher to marry him. In what fucking reality does this happen?! Fuck the Holocaust, fuck AIDS, fuck unexplained plane crashes. How can you tell me that God exists when he lets this happen? How? Tell me! I dare you. I double dare you, motherfucker. Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and ol Cohen will be part of THIS NEW CELEBRITY TRIFECTA.

Amanda Bynes in "She's The Man?? Ali Larter in "Varsity Blues?" -- with proof that James Van Der Geek must be gay. Maybe Brooke Langton in "The Replacements?" Or even Eliza Dushku in "Bring It On?" Dammit, I just can't decide which is the hottest sports movie babe. Can you help me out here?

Doug sent in this list of all the Budwesier Real Men of Genius commercials. I remember they started out as Real American Heroes, but when 9/11 happened, Anheiser Busch changed to the current Genius vs Hero tag. Which was a bullshit politically correct move I always thought was pretty lame. When the hero tag is assigned to an athlete or actor, I always vomit in my mouth a little but only because the person saying it obviously has such a warped sense of reality. With the Bud Real American Heroes, it was obviously a parody so I didn't think anything of it. Besides, now that it's eight years since 9/11, we can all sit back and pay tribute to the real American heros. That's right, I'm talking about Will Smith.

Ha! It's almost as if the news has become interactive lately. And I'm sure Scott will correct me if I'm wrong but if I'm not mistaken, that's a P-3 Orion. Now, I have to dig up an old email from Mickey who wrote in after the Eastbound and Down season finale...

Of course the (NSFW) scene Mickey is referring to is this one, and it was later reasoned that no, it was a body double. Evidently Katy Mixon is a little shy about showing off her real sweater gems. Dammit.

By now we've all seen the video where the kid throws a temper tantrum after his mother cancelled his World of Warcraft account. Now some people are calling bullshit on the validity of the video, claiming it -- and the two followup videos -- are staged. And I have to agree because all I could think about was even if I somehow managed to find the balls to do it, if I ever went after my father with a baseball bat, like the kid does in the third episode? My father would fucking kill me. And I don't mean just an ass beating, I mean dead like celebrity trifecta dead. And he wouldn't even put down his sandwich to do it. So yeah, I guess I call bullshit on those videos, too. Oh, one last thing. I've been trying as best I can but for the life of me I can't figure out which toy robot this is, can you help me?

gore vidal on grace kelly: "grace almost always laid the leading man... she was famous for that in this town."

precisely how i feel about my truck, which is now fast approaching 210,000 miles, by the way.

five corporate promotions that ended in disaster. oprah gives away fried chicken. ha!

finally! a humans vs vampires movie - from the point of view of the vampires!

giant model railroad is an analog simcity - some video of the trains in action.

descent into credit card debt hell. or as I call it, "save your money."

twenty-five celebrities we hope never ever release a sex tape.

top ten michael jackson celebrity collaborations.

This One is For You, Canadian Jay.

Happy Canada Day, you hockey playing bastards!

So Bianca went into have her stitches removed this morning, so she's doing well. The toughest part was keeping her out of the pool, but now wer've got the green light for that, so between these two OCD dogs, I know how I'll be spending my afternoon. Ball. Ball. Ball. Ball. Ball. Ball. Ball. Ball.

And of course there's still more to be said on the Dead Celebrity Trifecta that we're in the middle of -- or not in the middle of -- as some of you are now contesting...

Yeah see, here's the thing. As Lord of the Internet, if I don't know who a celebrity is, then they just don't count. First off Gale Storm sounds like a terrific porn name -- but when I looked up her biography I was disappointed to find out she did radio and a little show called My Little Margie. So uh, she's out. And as for Fred Travelina? Like you said he was famous for doing impressions, which to be honest is a style of humor I've never been a big fan of. It's like Rich Little; when he dies there won't be a candle in my window. So he's out, too. Now I'll just sit here like the vulture that I am and wait for Patrick Swayze to die.

This is probobably going to surprise you, but I'm not as critical of Bernie Madoff as some people are. For two specific reasons. The first is Thomas Tusser's old adage of, "A fool and his money are soon parted." And before anyone asks, no PT Barnum didn't say that, his quote was, "There's a sucker born every minute." and that probably applies to Bernie as well. Anyway, I look at all these victims of this Ponzi scheme and given that they're all fairly wealthy people you have to assume they're intelligent or at the very least, of above average intelligence. Well, ol' Bernie was promising them thirty percent returns on their investments. Remember the sniff test? "Gimme all of your money, and I'll double it in two and a half hears." C'mon! To me that just seems a little too good to be true, even during a booming economy. So, why the fuck weren't these people keeping a closer watch on their money? Because when they were getting outrageous returns they didn't ask any questions. So hey, whenthe bottom falls out and you're left with nothing but your cock in your hand, you've got no one else to blame other than your own greed. And secondly, one of the people he fucked out of their life savings was Johnny Damon. And in my book, anybody who fucks over Johnny Damon can't be all bad. But speaking of fucking people over, here's something I bet you didn't know. Remember the Sham Wow guy? The one famous for (beating/getting beaten by) the hooker? It turns out the two things he's most famous for peddling, were both ideas ripped off from Billy Mays; and Mays called him out on it during an interview on the Adam Carolla show... and Mays talked some good shit too. But given that he's dead now, well I guess that means that Vince gets the last laugh. Sorry, Billy.

Without even seeing it, I can tell you how to fix your email. You see there are usualyl two server addresses that you need to plug into your mail package -- be it Thunderbird, Outlook, or Eudora like I use. The first is the server that you retrieve your mail from, and it's usually something like pop.yourdomain.com or mail.yourdomain.com. You can access that server from anywhere on the internet, since many people check their email remotely. Now to send email, you plug in a different address, usually something like smtp.yourdomain.com. This server can only be accessed from within that particular ISP's network, in order to block spammers from hacking a mail server that doesn't belong to them. So when you changed ISPs from (and I'm going to pull these addresses out of my ass, but you'll understand what I'm saying) verizon.net to att.com, you need to go into your mail settings and change your outbound SMTP server address from smtp.verizon.net to smtp.att.com. There, all fixed. Yep, that's what I do. I solve problems. Unlike these bitches that only give all the other bitches bad reputations.

I'm pretty sure that this is the footage you're talking about. I bet that surprised the living shit out of everyone there, eh? Okay, I have to run, I'm late for a meeting with my support group.

the ten deadliest states for >hic!< drinking and driving. i think.

the great geek debate gets settled once and forever: captain kirk or picard.

you know you've got a big blackhead when it has to be removed surgically. wow.

the thirteen most brutal and inhumane AWESOME judicial punishments still used today..

hollywood celebrities most in need of anger management classes.