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Insert Your Favorite Foul Line Cheating Bastard Weekend Joke Here.

then ten sexiest strippers in movies. dibs on salma hayek.

old and busted: top jewish musicians. the new hotness: five worst jewish musicians.

top ten failed mcdonald’s products. bullshit, i still miss the mc-dlt.

kirk you racist son of a bitch. can't we all just get along?

puppies and ducks. ducks and puppies. and a goldfish. and cats.

surviving the world - daily lessons in science, literature, love and life.

I Want To Get Something Out On The Table.

Something has been bothering me about the recent Terminator movie, and I don't want to sugarcoat it. The problem is the Terminators don't terminate; they just throw you around a lot. Remember the opening scene from the original Terminator, the one where Arnold puts his fist right through Brian Thompson's chest with only one punch? Boom, dead. No fighting, no struggling, no second chances... just dead. But in Salvation, the Terminator instead decides to throw John Connor around for a few minutes like killing him a little bit at a time is somehow cooler. As you're sitting there watching it, you're admiring the special effects and whatnot, sure, but at the same time there's a voice in the back of your head saying, This is just stupid." And besides... flying machines and organic tissue over a metal endoskeleton, yet people are still fighting with bullets? Where the fuck are the lasers we was in the original flashback scenes? Shit this guy made a railgun in his garage, so it can't be that hard.

So now the big thing in Hollywood seems to be, "rebooting the franchise." Where they take a series of flicks that have perviously done well at the box office, and try to remake them all over again. Terminator Salvation was of course the latest in this new fad, with Tomb Raider being next to rehash its way to the drawing board. And that franchise is what... only seven or eight years old? They're not going to get Angelina Jolie to play the part anymore, she's all loosey-goosey after having three hundred kids. So here are some suggestions to play the next Lara Croft, and boy I hope the Octomom part is a joke.

Two awesome things, both are only get more awesome as they get bigger: boobs and warships. So in what can only be described as the zenith of awesomeness here is Denise Milani visiting the USS Midway. And in case you're not as impressed with Denise's awesome 34F bosum as I am, here's some history on the awesome USS Midway. By the way, who knew she was born in Czechoslovakia? Wow. Awesome.

three remarkable file recovery tools.

could you pass a sixth grade sexual education class?

when the future expires: a list of future timeslines portrayed in movies.

you know all those hitler spoof videos? well hitler is getting pretty pissed about them.

how to survive prison. watch your conhole, buddy.

A Glimmer Of Hope?

Well, all the recent media buzz has this recession ending in late 2009, which isn't a moment too soon. I've taken all the drastic measures I can and I'm still only two steps away from having to suck dick for beer money. In fact, you could show me seven facts about the $100 bill and my biggest concern would be, "Hey remind me what's it like to hold a $100 bill?" But who knew Canada was one of the countries least effected by the recession? I mean Canada? Aside from Michael J Fox, the only good thing Canada is known for producing are Alanis Morisette and Bryan Adams.

More proof dogs are awesome: when they're not too busy saving your from a housefire, they're keeping you from getting lung cancer.

How A-Rod and Barry Bonds didn't make this list of the biggest sports douche bags of all time, I'll never know. That's why if I'm ever in the mood to watch sports -- sports played purely for the fun of it and without all the hype and the steroids -- I just tune into the collegiate stuff. Well, that of catch some old sitcoms from the 80's. Oh and as a gentle reminder, I hate Tom Brady.

When I came across a quiz on zombie movies, I scoffed. Here's an easy ten points, right? But hey, who knew there's a movie called Nudist Colony of the Dead? I sure didn't. In fact, I was completely shocked.

How do you know you're at a redneck wedding? Three words for you: Bacon. Ranch. Fountain.

What if nine stars had lived long enough to embarass themselves: John Lennon arrested for murder?! "YOKO HAD 8745 STAB WOUNDS TO THE FACE" - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

And you can all rest a little easier tonight; you see Ross is the new leader in Cargo Bridge and the marshmallow insurgency is finally over.

ten tips good girls can learn from porn stars.

ten MORE things you didn't know about mount rushmore.

the seven hotdogs of the apocalypse. mmmmm, cheese whiz.

ever want to pull over a cop who is speeding for no reason? this guy did it.

the science behind being a pervert - may come in handy for you that get busted perving.

Stupid Fucking Ferret.

This is a test post of a high definition video embed. Let me know if it looks too big.

I really don't like ferrets. Not to say I hate them like I do cats, I just don't love them like I do dogs. Ferrets to me, seem somewhat of a low-brow pet; maybe you can teach them to respond to their name, maybe you can play somewhat of a curdled version of fetch for a few seconds, but even the smartest ferret pales in comparison to a dumb dog's bag of tricks. I don't think ferrets are inherently stupid, they've just got a little rodent brain the size of a fucking pea. Add to that the fact that they stink -- special diets and frequent baths only mean they stink less -- I wasn't overly delighted when my girlfriend wanted to bring her ferret along. "Fine," says I, "but that fucking thing is staying out on the lanai." And that's where Sid has lived quite comfortably for some time now enjoying the Florida sunshine, aside from occasionally being brought inside for a bad summer thunderstorm. So when the girlfriend hinted that she wanted to get another dog, I was receptive to the idea but countered that this is a two-pet household so a second dog can't come until, "that dumb fuckin ferret" is gone. And that's not me being a dick, that's me being realistic. Remember at some point I may have to load up everything and bug out from a hurricane, not to mention I don't want to live in Wild Kingdom, either. And so the second dog idea was put on hold until we could find Sid a new home.

Which we did! About six months ago another ferret owner was looking for a second one, so we figured Sid was all set. Scoop her up and get ready to go... guess what? She's got no fucking hair on her back. Seriously. Bald as a spanked baby's ass. You see, as they get older ferrets are prone to adrenal disease, which when boiled down means small tumors can grow on one or both of their adrenal glands. While terminal over the long term, immediate side effects include the inability to regrow hair following their spring shedding. Bring Sid to the vet, sure enough, she confirms it's adrenal disease. Which means two things: first we can't give away a sick ferret, that's just not cool. And two: Sid would be staying with us until the end of her days, because that's the compassionate things to do.

But in the meantime, the vet can treat her with monthly shots of Leuprolide acetate, a synthetic hormone. This only masks the symptoms of the disease, allowing her to grow her hair back, but ultimately the disease is still progressing in the background. At some point the tumor would progress to a point where her body would not respond to the injections any longer, and then we have to make a quality-of-life decision. So effectively we're just buying Sid some more quality time at a cost of $30 a month. Sid responded well to the treatment, was soon completely fuzzy again and this is how life progressed for almost half of a year. Then last month, two things changed. First the cost of the injections jumped to $55 a month -- not that I'm fond of placing a monetary value on a pet's life but at some point you have to consider the cost-vs-gain and treatment-vs-cure arguments. And two, Sid started eating and drinking less, started dragging her hind legs, and had a swollen vulva -- all signs the disease had progressed into its advanced stages. Heh, I said vulva. When we noticed this rapid deterioration, we knew her days were numbered. [It was right around this time that we got Bianca/Bea from the shelter.]

And over the next few weeks passed, Sid's symptoms grew steadily worse to where you really sat there and wondered if she was still enjoying life or not. So around the middle of the month, we decided it was time for Sid to go in to take The Big Sleep. But first, as all pets facing the needle should get, Sid was due a day of indulgence; food, treats, attention, and running around the outside lanai to her heart's content. But it rained, preventing that from happening, so we delayed a day. And it rained again, and again. Finally on the evening of May 20th, we had some decent weather and Sid had her final day in the sun, so to speak. As I already knew the girlfriend would be physically incapable of bringing Sid to her final visit; she broke into tears just talking about it, I knew this solemn duty would fall to me. After all, this was just a dumb fucking ferret, right? Not my pet, I'm not emotionally vested, right? But as I sat watching Sid do her best to run around in the ungraceful slinky-like fashion that ferrets are known for, the next days events began to weigh heavily on me.

Sid's date with the needle was at 11:40am on Thursday, May 21st. So around 11 o'clock I crawled up into the attic to get her crate and put in a fresh clean towel to make her comfortable. I scoop her out of her cage and let her take one last look around before herding her into travel crate for one last trip to the vet. As silly as it sounds, I let Ike say goodbye, since the two have played together a handful of times. Into the truck we go for the quick ten minute drive to the other side of town, a ride which seemed to take somewhere in the neighborhood of eleven hours. In some inexplicable burst of energy, the recently docile and lethargic Sid was now biting and chomping at the sides of her crate, dragging her hind legs behind her as she went. Somehow pets always know, don't they?

At the veterinarians office I checked in and sat alone in the waiting room, Sid next to me in her crate still taking occasional chomps on the side of her confinement. I pulled out my cellphone and started snapping a few pictures. I don't know, for some reason I kept feeling like I had to get one more picture. Always one more.

But my name was soon called and with it sounded the death toll for Sid the little white ferret. I felt this enormous lump began to grow in my throat but I did my best to work through it. Sid and I waited in the exam room for what seemed like another eleven hours. Again, more last pictures with my camera phone. The back door slid open and the Vet entered; she had been treating Sid for the adrenal disease and knew just as well as I did that this day was coming. We exchanged solemn pleasantries and she asked if I wanted to be in the room with Sid when she went. Yes I did. And a side note here. Two things I've always firmly believed in regards to the final moments of pet ownership. First, no matter how great or how small, no matter how cute and cuddly or how green and scaly; no pet should leave this world in the arms of a stranger. Nor should any pet pass without someone shedding a tear.

She took Sid back out through the back door and I was left alone with myself. The lump in my throat grew so large I found it difficult to swallow. The room blurred as my eyes teared up. What the fuck? This was just a dumb fucking ferret, I told myself. I wiped my eyes clear -- Goddamned cat dander -- and a few minutes later the Vet returned with Sid wrapped in a towel; sedated but still breathing and with a catheter in her front paw that was as large as her little furry leg. The Vet asked if I was ready; I was. I reached out and rubbed Sid's stupid fucking ferret ears as I had done many times in the past, only this time I watched as a florescent pink fluid was pumped into her veins. I continued to rub her ears until her breathing stopped, which only took a few short seconds. The Vet held her stethoscope to Sid's abdomen and listened. "She's gone."

At this point, what the fuck do you say? Thank you? Great Job? Nice hustle? ... not that my talking was even possible anyway. The lump in my throat had grown to the size of a grapefruit and I found myself struggling to control my quivering chin. Stupid fucking ferret. I opened my mouth to acknowledge the Vet, but no words came. Confused and embarrassed, I swallowed hard and drew in a long slow breath. I managed to mumble out some words, something to the effect of thank you, okay then, whatever. I don't even remember, truth be told. I only remember finding myself in the inexplicable situation of fighting back tears for the entire drive back home; a battle which I lost soon after walking through the front door of my house. Stupid fucking ferret. So long Sid, we hardly knew ye.

On a more positive note I did get the chance to see Terminator: Salvation a few days ago. it's funny, it's like seeing two different movies at the same time. The first half was awesome. The second half, not so much. But Moon Bloodgood looked good -- rockin the motherfucking A-10's, thank you very much Puddy -- the CGI'd Arnold Schwarzenegger that had a twenty second cameo did not, and here's an explanation as to why Terminators are always naked when they're teleported through time. Would I recommend you go see it? Yeah, but go to a matinee because it's not worth $15 bucks a ticket.

Whoa. Whoa. I've got a major problem with Sonia Sotomayor for the US Supreme Court. A MAJOR fucking problem. Turns out, she's a fucking Yankees fan. Does that make me a poor sport? Probably. But I'll tell you this; the current leader in Cargo Bridge is me with 11,539 points, motherfuckers!

ten best revenge flicks. right, matrix? WRONG.

twenty biggest car fails of all time. go iron duke!

autopsies of war dead reveal ways to save others.

food too big to finish. you read as, "eat up, fatass."

the strange early jobs of twenty-three famous people.

twenty-five people breaking their legs. joe theisman is at the bottom.

Hey, It's The First Day Back After A Long Weekend. Relax....

I do hope you're doing your very best at cyberslacking today, and I'll do my very best to help fill your day with explosions and boobs and other neat links to explore.

For starters, I'm not a huge hockey fan but here is Detroit's Niklas Kronwall unleashed the most devastating hit of the postseason on Martin Havlat in game 3 of the Western Conference Finals, who had his head down trying to find a loose puck in his skates.

Something I just can't get into is American Idol. I just can't do it. Lots of people I know maintain a deathgrip on it, and I can't understand why. I've tried several times and each time I walk away with the same sour puss on my face and thinking, "this shit is horrible." Not to mention the only winner from all the past seasons who has actually gone on to fame and fortune is Kelly Clarkson from season one. And even then, that's debatable. So when people get so fucking excited when the winner is finally announced, I just can't wrap my head around how emotional they get. Here are some fan reactions to Kris Allen "winning," and Adam Lambert "losing." I put that in quotes because my honest believe is they're both fucking losers, along with anyone who watches the show -- starting with that heavy duty fat girl in the red shirt and glasses.

The latest rumor floating around Hollywood comes directly from the mouth of Sam Raimi who has recently expressed interest in making Morbius the newest addition to the Spiderman film family. Following the flop (well critically not financially) of Spiderman 3 I think Raimi is taking his vision much more seriously this time around and not being so easily persueded by pushy studio execs who want this girl and her pigeon army to be the next Spidey villian. Personally I don't care who he makes the bad guy, just so long as he does his filming in the Republic of Argentina. By the way, how do you have an orgasm from brushing your teeth?

Oh, and do NOT look at this picture, but I do sincererely hope you spend some time looking at these photos of Memorial Day 2009.

talk radio host matthew "mancow" muller gets water boarded to prove that it isn't torture. heh.

nice in depth write up on the taking and rescue of the maersk alabama.

ten top videos of chicks failing at stripper pole dancing.

top ten fictional athletes of all time. i must break you.

be careful who you perv on. oh, this would be me.

top ten sexiest women on twitter. okay, seven.

monster truck: full 360 degree BACKFLIP.

Happy Memorial Day. Now Put Down Your Burger And Pay Attention.

Memorial Day is a United States federal holiday observed on the last Monday of May. Formerly known as Decoration Day, it commemorates U.S. men and women who died while in the military service. First enacted to honor Union soldiers of the American Civil War (it is celebrated near the day of reunification after the civil war), it was expanded after World War I to include American casualties of any war or military action. [READ MORE]

In the summer of 1862, a young man belonging to a Vermont regiment was found sleeping at his post. He was tried and sentenced to be shot. The day was fixed for the execution, and the young soldier calmly prepared to meet his fate. Friends who knew of the case brought the matter to President Lincoln's attention. It seemed that the boy had been on duty one night, and on the following night he had taken the place of a comrade too ill to stand guard. The third night he had been again called out, and, being utterly exhausted, had fallen asleep at his post. As soon as Lincoln understood the case, he signed a pardon, and sent it to the camp. The morning before the execution arrived, and the President had not heard whether the pardon had reached the officers in charge of the matter. He began to feel uneasy. He ordered a telegram to be sent to the camp, but received no answer. State papers could not fix his mind, nor could he banish the condemned soldier boy from his thoughts. At last, feeling that he MUST KNOW that the lad was safe, he ordered the carriage and rode rapidly ten miles over a dusty road and beneath a scorching sun. When he reached the camp he found that the pardon had been received and the execution stayed. The sentinel was released, and his heart was filled with lasting gratitude. When the campaign opened in the spring, the young man was with his regiment near Yorktown, Virginia. They were ordered to attack a fort, and he fell at the first volley of the enemy. His comrades caught him up and carried him bleeding and dying from the field. "Bear witness," he said, "that I have proved myself not a coward, and I am not afraid to die." Then, making a last effort, with his dying breath he prayed for Abraham Lincoln. By Z. A. Mudge (Adapted)

Allen Hoe, 62, served as a combat medic in Vietnam from 1967 to 1968. His son, Nainoa K. Hoe, served as a first lieutenant infantry officer with the Army's 3rd Battalion in Mosul, Iraq. He died there on Jan. 22, 2005, at the age of 27. On Memorial Day that year, Allen traveled to Washington, D.C., from his home in Honolulu for services being held at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, often referred to as, "The Wall." Army nurses returning home from the war were being honored there that day. "I thought it would be great to welcome these young trauma nurses with some special Hawaiian leis," Hoe says. When he saw Maj. Paula Couglin walking up the path he said, "Here, this is a special gift from me to you." Couglin lowered her head so Allen could place the lei on her and saw a button Allen had pinned to his chest. She put her finger on it and said, "I know him." "How do you know him? He was my son," Hoe recalls saying. "I was the trauma nurse at the crash unit where he died," Couglin said. "I will never forget that face." The two hugged and Couglin cried. Allen could tell that Couglin was tense. "I want you to know that my son was a warrior," he told her. "He absolutely recognized all of the risks that were involved." Couglin decided to tell Hoe something that had been bothering her. It was her job to prepare his son's body for a last viewing, but she couldn't get his eyes to close. Hoe laughed. "My son would sleep with his eyes partially open," he told her. "His men ... were never certain what they could do when the lieutenant was sleeping, because they never knew if he was sleeping or if he was just awake watching what they were doing." Reflecting on the chance encounter, Hoe says, "It was one of those miracles at The Wall. It was absolutely remarkable."

Insert Your Favorite Memorial Day Weekend Joke Here.

memorial day weekend 2009 tv show marathons.

very sexy - and very slow motion - ice cream fight.

evolution of the cell phone. the nokia 5110? yep, i had one.

a man's conversations with his penis through three stages of life.

brits with fake american accents vs americans with fake brit accents.

ten movies that can teach you important things about money. like greed..

heading to see terminator salvation this weekend? here are your safe piss break spots.

environmentallyconscience - madmaxsrubbercar - nationalgeographiccometrue

canadaintheshade - canonlyreach82mph - colonelsandersrolemodel

I Could Quite Easily Turn My Back On The NFL Forever.

As if I didn't have enough reasons to hate the Patriots already, now they're adding this. So a mere three days after being released from prison, there's already talk about Michael Vick's return to the NFL. So let me add this. I have been a loyal Raiders fan for as long as I can remember. I have stuck with them through the ups and downs -- and there's a shit load more of the latter, thank you very much -- and my commitment to excellence has never waivered. Even when Al Davis -- who simply must be suffering from Alzheimers -- makes the stupidest fucking draft pick out there, dooming us to yet another 4-12 season, I still remain loyal. But if this happens, I'm washing my hands of the Silver and Black for good. So Big Al, that's a warning, a promise, and an ultimatum all rolled into one. Sign Vick, and fuck you.

Almost everyone I know whose seen the latest Star Trek flick loves it. There are of course the exceptions to the rule, such as this nerd. Now he's got a valid beef with his first two points; Kirk does get his ass kicked a lot. But in regards to Sulu being played by a Korean, George Takei weighed in and said the character of Sulu represents all of Asia, not just Japan.

He was born on Long Island in the town of Babylon, the son of Jewish parents, his father was the vaudevillian performer Phil Roy (Philip Cohen). His ancestors had come to the United States from Hungary.[4] He would later say that his father "was never home — he was out looking to make other kids”, and that his mother "brought him up all wrong”. As a teenager, he got his start writing jokes for standup comics; he became one himself at 19 under the name Jack Roy. He struggled financially for nine years, at one point performing as a singing waiter (he was fired), and also working as a performing acrobatic diver before giving up show business to take a job selling aluminum siding to support his wife and family. He later said that he was so little known then that, "At the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit!" In the end, he was a Grammy winner, a movie star and an american icon. His shirt and tie now hang in the Smithsonian. He was, Rodney Dangerfield.

Here are seven completely unrealistic movie plots that ultimately came true. Inclusing Michael Largent, a 22-year-old who had presumably never seen the second half of Office Space where the scheme goes to shit, decided that this sounded like a pretty neat idea. In 2007, Largent used an automated script to open up 58,000 accounts with online brokerage firms. Once the account was opened, the firm would send micro deposits of a few cents to verify that it had opened properly. Soon Largent had gained $50,000 as well as the attention of the FBI.

The Six Million Dollar Man was based on the novel Cyborg by Martin Caidin, and during pre-production, that was the proposed title of the series. It aired on the ABC network as a regular series from 1974 to 1978, after following three television movies aired in 1973. The title role of Steve Austin was played by Lee Majors, who subsequently became a pop culture icon of the 1970s. The series became a huge international success, being screened in over 70 countries. Co-starring on the show was Richard Anderson as Steve Austin's boss, Oscar Goldman, and Martin E. Brooks as Austin's doctor. Lee also invited his then wife, Farrah Fawcett, to guest-star in four episodes. By this time, both Majors and Fawcett were a high-profile Hollywood couple and were on the cover of magazines everywhere. But perhaps the only thing more awesome than banging the hottest piece of ass on the planet, Lee Majors also kicked the living shit out of Sasquatch.

Snake charming is the practice of apparently hypnotizing a snake by simply playing an instrument. A typical performance may also include handling the snakes or performing other seemingly dangerous acts, as well as other street performance staples, like juggling and sleight of hand. The practice is most common in India, though other Asian nations such as Pakistan, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, Thailand, and Malaysia are also home to performers, as are the North African countries of Egypt, Morocco and Tunisia.

thirty vintage arcade games that still kick ass.

true movie posters of 2009 - with will ferrell shittiness.

DUSL, while i FYLTWYA right after you GNOC with your PAW?

twenty four terrifying, thoughtful and absurd nursery rhymes for children.

THE MOST AWESOME PHONE PRANK EVER. NUMBERS TO SLIP INTO A FRIEND'S CELLPHONE.

in case your ritalin hasn't kicked in yet: guess this song as it's sung backwards. hint: think disney.

The .45 Long Slide With Laser Sighting.

White blood cells, or leukocytes, are cells of the immune system defending the body against both infectious disease and foreign materials. Five different and diverse types of leukocytes exist, but they are all produced and derived from a multipotent cell in the bone marrow known as a hematopoietic stem cell. Leukocytes are found throughout the body, including the blood and lymphatic system. So listen, and understand. That white blood cell is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until all the bacteria are dead. It'll find it. That's what it does. All it does. -- Yes, for those of you paying attention, that was a quote from Michael Biehn from the original Terminator. Should you not be able to make it tot he theatres today, go the 'trailers' section here and there are twenty-two clips to watch.

"You've probably seen ads for adultfriendfinder.com pretty much everywhere. Basically it touts itself as a site where you can just sign up, and within minutes, meet chicks you can bang that night. That's right, somewhere in your area, there's a girl writhing around in her g-string, boobs hanging out, going "God, I just wish for ONCE, I could find someone to stick their penis inside me..." You're going to want to read the rest of this, trust me. And as more and more people are throwing the bullshit flag on AFF for having bogus profiles, they've had a lot of competitors creep up recently, such as a new one that pulls directly from Facebook profiles called FacebookForFuck.

Oh, and speaking of, Monica Mayhem became one of the few porn actresses to make the crossover into mainstream acting last year when she landed a role in the 2008 film Sex and the City: The Movie. Mayhem was born in Brisbane, Australia and celebrated her 31st birthday in March. Before adult films, she worked in Sydney and London, first in finance then as an exotic dancer. Since coming to the U.S. in 2000, Mayhem has enjoyed one of the longest stints in the adult entertainment industry. She’s been featured in more than 400 adult films and dozens of men’s magazines (SFW).

Not Dead Yet: Patrick Swayze was flying solo in his twin-engine Cessna from California to Las Vegas when he developed a mechanical problem and decided to make a precautionary landing on a dirt road near a housing complex in the small community of Prescott Valley in northern Arizona. There were no injuries. Fire department and sheriff's department officials said the plane had a damaged wing and that when they arrived on the scene, they could find no one. It later emerged that Patrick had hitched a ride from a passing vehicle and was taken to a nearby house, where he telephoned authorities. There were rumors that Swayze was drunk when he crashed, but this was never confirmed. And despite what people say on Twitter, he's not dead yet.

A radio-controlled aircraft (often called RC aircraft or RC plane) is a model aircraft that is controlled remotely, typically with a hand-held transmitter and a receiver within the craft. The receiver controls the corresponding servos that move the control surfaces based on the position of joysticks on the transmitter, which in turn move the plane. Flying RC aircraft as a hobby has been growing worldwide with the advent of more efficient motors (both electric and miniature internal combustion or jet engines), lighter and more powerful batteries and less expensive radio systems. A wide variety of models and styles are available. Scientific, government and military organizations are also utilizing RC aircraft for experiments, gathering weather readings, aerodynamic modeling and testing, and even using them as drones or spy planes.

It's been awhile since we've had a nice GAME CHALLENGE, eh? his next one is a combination of the old game Lemmings and Fantastic Contraption. Cargo Bridge is a physics-based construction game. Build a bridge and help your workers to collect boxes on the other side of the canyon. Mission of the game is to collect all items without crashing the bridge. I am currently on level 17 with $7,204 in profits.

And listen seriously, sorry I'm late today. Had to take an animal to the vet to be put to sleep earler this morning, and to be honest I'm a little more fucked up than I thought I would be. No, it was not Ike or Bea... but I'll tell the vet story tomorrow. For now I've got to have a long therapy session with Professor Knob Creek. I'm not proud, I'll take all the help we can get. In the meantime, here are five ways to get Big Papi out of his slump. Besides you know, more steroids. Wait, did I just say that?

take a look at how the current automakers stack up against the new fuel economy standards.

twenty photo sessions that should have never, ever have happened.

top 10 greatest fat guy role models. poor kevin smith.

ten biggest tech failures of the last decade, starting with microsoft vista.

NOT MY NAME IS EARL?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Let's Throw One Out To The Hedgehog, Shall We?

Since the demise of the legendary John Holmes in March 1988, the short, mustachioed, heavy set Ron Jeremy has assumed the mantle as the number one U.S. male star of adult cinema. Portly Ron is not blessed with film star looks and a chiseled six-pack (a decidedly unchiseled 12- or 18-pack would be more like it) - his appeal and talents lie in other areas and his "regular guy" appearance and amazing endurance in front of the camera have undoubtedly contributed to his phenomenal success in an industry notorious for dumping those men who can't perform on cue. Now just about everyone knows a few things about Ron Jeremy, but I'm going to tell you a few lesser known facts. For example, while Ron himself doesn't Twitter, his enormous penis does. And Ron is adored by his female fans and idolized by his male fans, but I bet you didn't know that Ron is a former high school teach who appeared in the hit game show, "The Weakest Link" with Gary Coleman? He is also an accomplished chef, and while he is a millionaire, he's also well known around Hollywood to be extremely frugal with his money. According to the documentary, Porn Star: The Legend of Ron Jeremy, he allegedly hates spending his own money on anything, even going so far as using garbage bags as luggage when he travels. As a further indication of his crossover celebrity status, Jeremy has posed in an advertisement for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals to raise awareness of the overpopulation of domesticated animals. He also went to high school with former CIA Director George Tenet. Long live Ron Jeremy!

The new Novitec Ferrari F430 TuNero - this is what it looks like and this is what it does.

In these hard economic times, we need a hero. What's his name? Dow Jones. That's right, Funny or Die teamed up with Common to make this extremely funny/awesome Shaft parody with an economic theme. If all economic coverage was this entertaining and normally included gun fights and hot girls in lingerie maybe I would actually keep up with our financial collapse.

Remember when Jesse Ventura said he would take Sean Hannity up on his offer to be waterboarded? Well Hannity had Ventura on his show recently and I have two quick observations presuming he doesn't mind the feedback. First, Ventura neds to shave his head again because he looks like an older version of Geoffrey Lewis from the Clint Eastwood flick Every Which Way But Lose. And second, if Ventura ever runs for President, I hope he brings Old Painless with him, presuming he finds time to bleed.

seven reasons why no man will ever love jennifer aniston.

fmylife moments in greek mythology. poor aeneas.

yeah, boy! dan akroyd says ghostbusters 3 will start filming this year.

five reasons the terminator franchise makes no damn sense.

hayden panettiere. in a bikini. on a boat. all oiled up by another chick.

eight movies that didn't deliver on the hype. cough... cough... indiana jones... cough...

Well, I Had An Eventful Weekend, Part II.

Let's begin with the return trip from Orlando on Friday morning. I get home and boy the house is quite warm and muggy inside. Check the thermostat, yep, it's set to to 78 degrees (which is 'cool' down here in Florida). Actual temperature inside the house? 82 degrees. Go out into the garage and check the air handler, yep, it's working. Go outside and check the condenser, nope it's not blowing. Well that's just fucking awesome. So I call the A/C guy. An hour or so later, the A/C guy shows up and does his thing. There are three leaks in the outside coils, thus all my refrigerant has exited stage right. Now I knew this was coming since when he was out for a check up around the turn of the new year, he brought the leaks to my attention. The existing A/C system is bulder's grade material, meaning it's designed with a lifespan of 8-10 years and the house was built in 2000, so it's right on schedule. "Listen," says I, "it's a bad week for this, can you just dump some more freon into it so I can limp through the next couple of weeks and then we can talk repairs?" Sure no problem. He pumps in some freon and then, yes, it is a problem; the fan motor... she no workie. They test it, sure enough, burned out. So now I have choice (A) wait a week for a new blower fan, then recharge the A/C, and then still have to deal with the coil leaks or (B) he's got a only-used-for-one-year-still-has-four-years-left-on-the-manufacturers-five-year-warranty condenser he can have installed later that afternoon. I did my best to Jew him down in price, but let's just say that the cost of impatience is expensive... cough... cough... just over a grand... cough... cough. Why the fuck don't these things fail during January, instead of just as we're heading into the dog days of summer?

And then this morning I wake up, stretch my legs, walk the two pains-in-the-ases and as I'm making my morning coffee, I distinctly hear the sound of pissing near my liquor cabinet. I turn in a flash ready to lay the smackdown on Bea when surprise, she's not by the liquor cabinet but snoozing on the couch. As is Ike -- 48 hours of peace and quiet since 'the incident' by the way. And yet I hear pissing. Oh, and did I mention the liquor cabinet is right next to the refrigerator? I open the cabinet doors, and sure enough there's a steady stream of water spraying out of cheap plastic water line leading to the water softener -- installed when the house was on a well and before it was transitioned over to city water -- that feeds the icemaker in the fridge. Great. Now my fucking booze is getting wet. So I start yanking out bottles to get to the shut off valve. As a side point, do you know how difficult it is to quickly move and set down glass bottles on a hard tile floor, without breaking one of the two? Very. So I manage to get half the bottles out (no casualties, thank you very much) and guess what? No shut off valve. It's behind the fridge. So standing in my underwear and slippers, I'm yanking the fridge out and get the water turned off. Done. Now I begin the arduous task of drying each bottle individually with booze with a towel. Each bottled called to me as I lovingly caressed it in my hand. The silky smoothness of Captain Morgan... the squared jaw manlieness of Knob Creek bourbon... the sulty Spanish accent of Jose Cuervo gold. Wow, that sounded really gay. Anyway, my point being the urge to drink at 5:45 this morning was quite strong, let me assure you. But alas, here I am, clean and sober. Because I have to drive to the hardware store and buy a new fucking ice maker hose, dammit.

Psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen and his colleagues at Cambridge's Autism Research Centre have created the Autism-Spectrum Quotient, or AQ, as a measure of the extent of autistic traits in adults. In the first major trial using the test, the average score in the control group was 16.4. Eighty percent of those diagnosed with autism or a related disorder scored 32 or higher. The test is not a means for making a diagnosis, however, and many who score above 32 and even meet the diagnostic criteria for mild autism or Asperger's report no difficulty functioning in their everyday lives. Not to let the cat out of the bag but I scored a 12, which I guess what? I'm an asshole?

Supermodel Daniela Urzi is an Argentinian patriot. Aware that her country is facing a deep recession, she rushed to the once elite resort of Punta and got naked (almost) in hope it would attract the much needed tourists.

Here are ten things movies have promised us about the future, that had better damn well come true. My vote is for the coed showers in Starship Troopers -- especially is Dina Meyer is gearing down.

I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later, so why not now? Here is Halo's Master Chief attempting to fight his way through Mortal Kombat's outer realm. When will the world realize? Master Chief is a lover, not a figher!

thief tries to remove his gun from his waistband and shoots himself in the nuts.

the whitest movies of all time. yes on crash, but the pursuit of happiness?

six movies you can only watch while stoned out of your freaking gourd.

seventeen controversial teenage tv situations. carlton on speed, heh.

avoiding [legal challenges] about your gripe (or parody) site.

four simpsons controversies... that didn’t end in lawsuits.

boston.com's pictorial on the hubble's final servicing.

fifty scientifically proven ways to be persuasive.

Well, I Had An Eventful Weekend, Part I.

Ike and Bea had their first 'discussion' on Saturday evening. And by 'discussion' I mean 'knock down drag out fight' and by 'evening' I mean ten minutes before the vet's office closed for the day.'

See, here's the deal. While you'd like to think the new dog is going to be a perfect little princess, the fact is both dogs were alpha dogs in their respective homes; Ike here and Bea at her former residence. The trouble is because they're both adult dogs, neither is willing to surrender dominance to the other. Ike kind of ignores Bea most of the time, but there's a lot of growling on Bea's part and she just turns into the dragon lady, which is something I'm working very hard to break her of. Now Ike is a very well behaved and peaceful dog. And while he doesn't show aggression towards other dogs, if they start shit he tends to finish it. So Ike was on the couch with his racquet ball and rough housing with a buddy of mine. Bea comes up behind Ike and postures herself standing over him, very stiff and with her tail straight up in the air. For you non-dog owners -- you poor fuckers -- this is an aggressive stance trying to show dominance over the other dog. And Barker is a non-dog owner, so he didn't recognize this warning sign as the calm before the storm. Ike play growls with Barker. Bea real growls with Ike. Bea touches her nose to the back of Ike's neck (more aggressive posturing), and Ike has none of it. A nip from him, a nip by her and a full blown dog fight ensues. And keep in mind this is after playing quite peacefully together for about two and a half hours before this explosion of fur and fang.

Now normally I'd be able to break the fight up instantly with some nice Wolverine'worthy yelling and a few newspaper swats on the ass. However I happened to be outside, face stuffed into the new A/C condenser taking a closer look and thus didn't hear the festivities unfolding inside. And as Barker was unable to break up the dog fight -- picking up one dog and bringing the other dog in its jaws with it is not the solution -- the dogs went round and round until I happened to wander in a few minutes later. I got them apart almost instantly and oh boy, there will be blood. Bea looked like she had just performed open heart surgery on someone because the front of her was a scarlet red. Ike had blood on him, but being pitch black you really couldn't see the blood directly, but rather the glistening on his coat. I get the dogs calmed down and take a closer look at the damage. Bea is bleeding profusely from two holes on her front left leg. Well, not profusely like Kill Bill arterial spray bleeding, but a slow steady ooze. She of course doesn't let me touch it so I can't do any direct pressure to try and stop the bleeding. I finally get her wrapped in a towel to at least contain the mess. Ike faired much better than Bea, he's only got a cut over his left eye that looks more like it came from a boxing match than a dog fight. A big goop of Neosporin and he's fine. Given the amount of time they had to throw down, I think they were lucky dogs that nothing was too serious.

Bea on the other hand required gauze pads and medical tape to stem the bleeding, and then of course by the time that's done, the vet's normal business hours are closed. Now I'm King Asshole and have to make a judgement call as to whether or not to call the emergency line (read as BIG $$$). Ultimately I decide not to because the bleeding stops and she can bear weight on the leg, although a little awkwardly because of how I have it taped up. Don't worry, it wasn't too tight, and her circulation was fine. One half of a Benadryl later and each dog is resting comfortably. The next morning Bea goes to the vet, and $338 dollars worth of sedation, leg shaving, debrieding, cleaning, x-raying, pain killing and antibioticing later... I get to pick her up with a big fucking Elizabethan collar on her head. The two wounds aren't big tearing gashes but rather small (and deep) punctures, the result of a nice clean chomp, courtesy of Ike. She spent the vast majority of Sunday locked in a crate in order to keep her somewhat immobile, but she seems to be hobbling around a little better this morning.

But on the bright side, one of the booths set up at Saturday's Bike Night in Ft Myers was for a dog trainer specializing in behavior modification. I ass'plained the situation and he's pretty confident he can help bring peace to the Stewart clan. Once Bea is back up and walking without a hobble, I'm going to give him a call. So I dunno, until then I guess there's going to be a lot of couch time watching movies and playing referee. Speaking of movies, do you remember something from the late 80's called Mystery Science Theatre 3000 -- they're back only this time it's called Riff Traxx. The one for Independence Day is good, but the 300 is my favorite.

Also, did you know that in the original design of Mt Rushmore, Thomas Jefferson was originally going to be on Washington's right, but the rock quality sucked, so they blew it up and started again to Washington's left. Here's that and that and nine other facts about Mt Rushmore to make you sound smarter at parties.

fact unchecked - misinformation for the poverinformation age.

the best safe for work movie strip scenes. guess what? it's safe for work.

men react differently to cute chicks & fat ugly ones. (duh!) but here's video proof.

general motors crash tests from 1968. long live the vega, because you sure won't.

congratulations to the newly built citi field for their first streaker. vith video gooodness.

eighteen more of the world's most disturbing sex toys. i got three words: goo gobblin granny.

christopher walken on golf, being funny and scary, and why he's sick of playing messed-up characters.

How Can You Be This Hungover And Still Be Alive?

the movie '28 weeks later' as depicted in halo 3.

eight life lessons we can all learn from 'predator'.

pickup truck catches some awesome air. and slams into his buddy's truck, too.

kid tries to jump down 94 foot spillway. he makes it 60 feet then gets a physics lesson.

more dogs are awesome goodness. both dogs are okay, btw.

wanna play doom, heretic and hexen? yes we can.

porndora's box. its the only porn site that can map out your sickest fantasies.

Out Of The Pocket Today. And May Be Late Tomorrow? Survey Says...

yeah you heard me, i said do NOT click this.

a typical day at the office, as told through police reports.

movie trivia from oceans 11 -- the only good one of the batch.

movie wimps to pimps. yeah how'd that work out for you, river phoenix?

hulk hogan tells all about his love with macho man, elizabeth and other things.

remember the old 'if the world were reduced to 100 people' email chain? here is it graphically.

top gear - lamborghini gallardo superleggera vs. ferrari f430 scuderia.

duke nukem forever may not be dead yet, trilogy is still coming.

Oh, So THAT'S Why I Felt Compelled To Goof On The Homeless.

Because I had been planning on adopting a homeless dog yesterday! And if you had been keeping an eye on my Ernie Cam yesterday, you'd have been able to watch me walk step by step through the adoption process at the Lee County Animal Services. The pooch I selected is a six year old terrier mix, snow white except for a few light brown patches on her ears and is the absolute white ying to Ike's black Yang. The shelter says she's part Jack Russell, but I dunno, I think they just say that because they know those dogs are popular. She definitely has terrier in her though. Her and Ike look like the exact same dog, one spray painted black and the other one white. Well, except the white one -- Bianca -- is about two inches taller at the shoulder and has little nipples. Speaking of which... first and foremost, that fucking name has got to go. It's too... too... too complex for a dog's name; just like "Patton" was for Ike when I forst got him. A dog's name should be quick and easy... Major or Casey or or Ladybird or Max... or Ike. Not a Bianca. So I'm pretty sure I'm going to shorten it to Bea as in -- you guessed it -- Bea Arthur. And of course the first thing Bea did was throw up in my truck, three times. Stupid nerves.

So after the ride home, how did New Doggie (Bea) like Old Doggie (Ike) and visa versa? Prety good at first. There was no aggression at all on Bea's side and once she showed some interest in chasing a ball, Ike couldn't have cared less if she tried to steal the house blind, he was in playmate mode. Well, that is until Bea got to the ball before he did; then there was a problem. Ike said, "I say dear lady. Welcome to this house and I do hope you make yourself comfortable as things are quite pleasant here. Although I regret I must inform you that that slightly soggy tennis ball you have just picked up was a family heirloom handed town to me from my dear old mum. It wouldn't certainly be a beautiful gesture of our new friendship, if you would relinquish said ball to my quite hastily. I do thank you in advamce." Bea replied, "Uh, no." To which Ike retortest, "Oh, well I'm dreadfully sorry but then I'm afraid I have no choice but to BITE YOU ON YOUR FUCKING FACE AND HANG ON UNTIL MY OWNER CAN GET OVER HERE AND PRY MY JAWS APART." Yeah, that was a little tense. But no blood drawn and now the Alpha-Beta relationship is closer to being established, so I'm hoping for pretty clear sailing from here on out. The only time Bea gets a little pissy is when she's being petted and Ike comes close, and when he sniffs her private spots for any more than a brief second. But I correct them both and I'm hopeful that'll smooth out as she settles in.

Bea also likes the pool. And by, "likes," I mean, "likes to jump in and refuses to come out." So that led to me having to kick off my shoes and socks, toss the keys and wallet aside and jump in fully clothed as she got too close to the infinity edge of the pool. And when I steered her towards dry land (the stairs) she got up, shook herself off and went back in. Lather rinse repeat. Four times. Which was when I declared enough, toweled her off and took her inside the house before slosing the hurrucane shutters. So for now, her sneaking out the back door won't be followed by a splash anytime soon. She's also got a strong prey drive which I can see to leading to problems. For Lefty, for the little lizards that live in the corners of the lanai, and hopefully not busting through my screens. Yeah I've got the feeling I've got my work cut out for me.

But as a side note, let me just take the time to encourage anyone who is considering adopting a pet, to actually get off your ass and do so. The conditions the shelter dogs live under aren't bad, but they aren't warm and friendly, either. Barren kennels that are only about 4x8 feet, nylon beds that sit raised only a couple of inches above the cold concrete floors, and chain link doors. No chance to run or exercise or play with toys except when they're walked a couple of times a day by the volunteers. While I'm sure this beats sleeping on the streets and eating scaps out of a dumpster, it's certainly no warm bed and a gentle scratch behind the ear, either. If you're worried about not being around because you're working too much, ask yourself this. If a dog is going to spend twelve hours alone, do you think he'd rather be sleeping on your soft carpet or a hard concrete floor? And that's not considering the twelve hours you'd be home. Because she is six years old, Bea was considered a 'senior' dog, so her adoption fee was a whopping $25; and that includes spaying, all her vaccinations, a county dog license, and an 8lb bag of dog food so she could hit the ground running. Seriously. Don't just talk about doing adopting an animal. Go out and do it. Because as we were winding down last night and Bea was laying on the couch -- not too close to Ike but not too far either -- she let out a sigh like the weight of the world had been lifted from her shoulders. And for her, I'm sure it was.

Well, there you have it. The candle thing was kinda creepy actually, but I liked her rope dance. Oh and those two noises you hear? The first is the sound of Powder Blue sales dropping like a rock. With the strip teases out on the web, why else would someone want to see that piece of shit? And the second sound of course, is me fapping quite inappropriately. Granted, not as inappropriate as playing theme to Cheers during the Billy Batts bar scene in Goodfellas, but very close. See, this is how CGI is runining movies. Ten million years ago, they were frozen in combat. That's right, it's Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. With 80's teen pop star Debbie Gibson, and before you ask, no it's not April Fool's Day. Oh and that pastor video made me think, maybe I should get a shock collar for Bea, eh?

army girls from around the globe. i so call dibs on finland.

secrets of the deep - what lies beneath the surface of new york harbor?

goldberg caught on tape fighting outside ufc match. with tazer goodness.

after being arrested for assault, let's check in on the sham-wow guy in prison.

how the f-35 demon helmet looks inside. answer? like ace combat 5 for xbox-360.

a live combat demonstration featuring live action of the AWESOME a-10, f-15, f-16, b-2, and b-52.

I Dunno, For Some Reason I Feel Like Making Fun Of The Homeless Today.

Jose and Carlos are beggars. They beg in different areas of town. Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about $8.00 or $9.00 a day. Jose bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day, he drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend. "Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day? Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Carlo's sign reads; "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support." "What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him. "No wonder you only get $8.00 or $9.00 a day!" Carlo's says, "Alright, what does your sign say?" It reads, "I only need another ten dollars to get back to Mexico."

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze." Matt replies, "And we weren't?"

Why should we feel bad for the gay homeless population? None of them have closets to come out of.

A bartender is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the back door. When he answers, a dirty, scroungy looking homeless guy asks him for a toothpick. Bartender is a little surprised, but none the less he gives him the toothpick and the guy goes off. A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second homeless guy who also asks for a toothpick also. He gets his toothpick and off he goes. There is a third knock at the door, and a third homeless guy. The landlord says "Don't tell me, let me guess. You want a toothpick too". "Actually no thanks, but can I have a straw please? The landlord is kind of confused by this, but being a goodhearted man, gives him a straw. But before the guy takes off, curiosity gets the best of the barkeep, so he asks the guy, "Hey your friends wanted toothpicks...and you wanted a straw. What the hell is going on?" "Oh, some drunk girl just threw up outside, but all the good stuff's gone already."

An elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl of about seventeen, ransacking his place. He grabbed her by the arm and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded, "Please don't call the police, mister, oh please!! If you don't, I'll let you make love to me and do whatever you want with my body!" The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in. Soon they were naked and in bed together. The old man tried hard and tried hard, but finally, he rolls over, exhausted, and embarassed. "I'm sorry, young lady...but it's no use," he gasped. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the police after all."

Homeless man: Got some spare change? Me: "Knock, knock!" Homeless man: "Who's there?" Me: "Fuck off, I thought you said you were homeless."

Speaking of homeless, I'm looking for a nice rug to match this couch can anyone help me out?

Well good for you Cody, I'm glad to hear it. Obviously you know who to come see when Christmas rolls around. Just do yourself a favor... keep your Mick Jaggar fetish on the down low while you're in boot camp. But seriously, good luck. And trust me; shave your head before you go.

Hey Morgan, hail to the king, baby. Duke Nukem Forever demo gameplay leaked. Don't worry girls, there's plenty of Duke to go around. Plenty more than there are Wolverine wannabees, anyway.

"you vs some fucker" - kiefer sutherland's conflict resolution seminar is pure AWESOME.

terminator salvation - exclusive four minute scene. the a-10's are AWESOME.

forget sarah marshall, i'll take an order of mila kunis please.

ten tiny and awesome windows utilities.

maps of the seven deadly sins in america. i'm four-for-seven.

why you should never fall off of an atv while riding through the desert.

miss pole dance world 2009. here's her encore performance. and it's AWESOME

Captain's Log, Stardate 20905.11. I Have Just Returned from Viewing The Latest Star Trek Film.

Believe it or not, it was actually a pretty kick ass movie and it definitely lived up to the hype. I'll try to talk about it without giving any of it away, because if you grew up on the Kirk and Spock of old, this really was a nice rhetorical hook for a new generation of Trekkies. Let me start out with the most important fact; Uhura. Who cares what the fuck her first name is, she's smokin hot! But setting physical beauty aside for a minute, I was really impressed with the casting. Chris Pine as Kirk and Zachary Quinto as Spock were absolutely perfect. Uhura, obviously perfect, and in more ways than one. After seeing him smash zombies with a cricket bat, I wasn't sure I would be able to accept Simon Pegg as Scotty, but I'll be damned if he didn't pull it off. The Korean dude from Harold and Kumar plays Sulu, and while he wasn't all that convincing in the role, he was too much of a bad ass for me to tell him otherwise. I got two words for you: space. samurai. Checkov was, eh. I think they could have cast any asshole with a bad Russian accent to fill his role. So the only real bad spot was Bones. For starters, all the other actors looked like they were fresh out of college, where as Karl Urban looks he is working on his second mortgage. Dammit Jim, he's just too damned old, man. Then they did a really terrific job at subtly introducing them; Kirk tries to pick up the uber hot Uhura at a bar, Kirk finds Scotty on an abandoned outpost, etc. But the introduction of McCoy was just a little too forced. He might as well have walked on screen with a t-shirt that read, "Hey quick, someone call me Bones and I'll fit right in."

And without giving away any plot details, here are some other random thoughts. (1) Kirk has always had a thing for green chicks. (2) Jennifer Morrison is hot even when she's in labor. (3) A small handheld torch is enough to scare away a monster that's five stories tall. (4) Did I mention that Uhura is really hot. (5) Don't tell any 'Yo Momma' jokes to Spock; he will beat your ass and knock you the fuck out. (6) Never let Checkov beam your mom anywhere. (7) The "I cheated at the unbeatable Kobayashi Maru scenario and all I got was this lousy t-shirt," scene would have been better if it was allowed to finish. (8) Unfortunately, they've got a Jar-Jar Binks in this one, too. (9) Leonard Nimoy's cameo is perfect and I'm glad they didn't reprise Shatner's role... it just wouldn't have fit. And finally (10) ... it's kinda of a spoiler but not too much, plus it came as such a shock that I have to tell somebody. Shhh, shhh, lean in close... Spock? And Uhura? Fuckin.

Actually Morgan, I think you're spot on. After reading about the demise of 3d Realms this past weekend, I too came to the same conclusion as you did. There are too many Duke Nukem fans all strung out and waiting for the next installment for the game to be all dead; no I suspect it's just mostly dead. Some Miracle Max with deep pockets will come along and recognizing the potential for big profits, will but the game as it is, hire a few half assed programmers to finish it and send it out into the world. My guess if there will be two distinct halves of the game... the first half having been worked on by the 3d-Realms guys, will be awesome. The second half being completed by "Bob" and "Ed" from Bangladesh, will suck cock. But hey, it'll be something, right? So just sit back and relax. Also happening this past weekend: Months after her ass beating by boyfriend Chris Brown, Rihanna is back in the news only this time it's because a set of naked photos seem to have made their way onto the internet. And in case you missed Obama's stand-up speech at the White House's annual Press Dinner, here it be. Some good jokes (Air Force One), some lame one but the, "he's not used to saying the word 'day' after 'mother'" is an old black joke.

Yep, you clicked on it. But like you said, I warned you. And in a rare interview as he stars in Gran Torino, Clint Eastwood opens up about the "pussy generation," America's blasé remembrance of 9/11, the beginning of his acting career (hint: good-lookin' chicks), and, yes, that grunt. Here are comediennes April Macie and Shayma Tosh head to the S-Factor, creator of the original pole dance workout, for a stand up comedy sweat. If April looks familiar, you may recognize her from Last Comic Standing and as one of the eight female comics we'd like to see naked, so enjoy some pole dancing.

riding a motorcycle and opening garage doors is a pain in the ass. this guy's solution is pure genius.

girl shakes her so well you'd think she has parkinsons. sfw as long as you're not her dad.

great photos of a russian gas line explosion. 'great' assuming you don't live there.

seventy five horrible celebrity babe names. pilot inspecktor lee? c'mon dude!

create new mind-blowing images by using simple rotation.

Insert Your Favorite Mother's Day Weekend Joke Here.

drinking games guaranteed to get you hammered.

ten popular porn scenarios that seem highly implausible.

ten movie characters you definitely don’t want doing your taxes.

if your life were a movie, how far along would you be right about now?

forty-seven best and worst twist endings in movies. i got two words: keyser soze.

three previews from sunday night's family guy that parodies a trio of classic tales from stephen king.

manny ramirez gets benched, denise richards sings the national anthem, and the dali lama is a pats fan.

I'm Running Wicked Late, So Here's Some Random Shit.

This three minute video was made by setting a camera to take photos at six second intervals during a trip outbound on the Houston Shipping Channel. At ten frames per second, it represents a three hour journey.

You want trivia? I'll give you trivia. Pharmacists in Seattle pack heat, motherfuckers. And remember the incredibly hot babe in the red dress from The Matrix? Her name is Fiona Johnson. Did you know McDonald's was originally called McDonald's Bar-B-Q and stood on the corner of 14th and E Streets in San Bernardino, California. Cold-ass North Dakota is the hot spot for jobs right now. And here's twenty things you didn't know about the new Star Trek movie, followed by fifteen things you didn't know about NBC's The Office.

Did you know that parliament is an anagram of partial men? Or, Clint Eastwood an anagram of Old West Action? Someone once said, "All the life's wisdom can be found in anagrams. Anagrams never lie." Here is your chance to discover the wisdom of anagrams. As an example, here are the anagrams for "PUDDY EATS COCK." Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Did you know that Flo and Kay are the world's only female autistic savant twins, which is kind of fucking cool, actually. They can compute dates of the week from fifty years ago, recall what a TV host was wearing ten years ago, and name any artist from three decades worth of songs. But evidently a operating a toothbrush is a little out of their reach. There, how's that for trivia? I hope it was satisfying enough for you.

Oh and here's what Megan Fox looked like in high school, before she was super amazingly hot.

ladies, when your man asks to build his own mantown, make sure he doesn't do this.

the five best data recovery tools, and they're all free you cheap bastard.

the coolest high definition video of ocean waves you'll see in your entire life.

why if i'm not mistaken, this kid smashing his car into a guardrail is speaking german.

Always Doublecheck Your Figures. Or, How To Know Your Douchebag Friends Still Read Your Blog.

A few days ago I closed out a post regarding the GAU-8 cannon from the A-10 by calling Puddy the Douchebag of All Time. You see, ever since I was a little tyke the A-10 has and probably ayways will be, my favorite warplane. I guess it's because the A-10 is short, fat, slow and ugly, but it carries a big stick -- you know, kind of like me. So several years ago when Puddy told me he was giving up his A-10 instructor seat to go fly B-2's I tried to put up this tough guy persona, but truth be told, I died a little inside. But no sooner had I posted that GAU-8 rant when Puddy fired back...

Sheez, he really knows how to hurt a guy, eh? Hit me right in the ol Chair Force. Anyway, I pressed him to ass'plain what he meant regarding the 'less than 30 rounds' issue but since was a telephone conversation, I'm going to do my best to paraphrase what he said. The GAU-8 is gattling gun with seven barrels. After a round is fired, the empty shell casing isn't actually removed from the barrel until three cycles later. On the flip side, live shells are loaded three cycles prior to being actually fired. Thus when the gun is shooting, four of the seven barrels are loaded with live ammunition. Now when you're, "flying, fighting, and winning" that's a good thing. But when you're taxiing on the ground and swinging the nose of that plane all around your beloved Air Force base, that's a bad thing. Thus the GAU-8 actually unloads itself when the trigger is released. How is this accomplished? By immediately reversing the rotation of the barrels the instant the pilot lets off the trigger. How fucking crazy is that, eh? The pilot squeezes the trigger and the gun barrels spin up all but instantaneously and loads the ammunition into the first four barrels and begins the shooting sequence; then the pilot fires off a one second burst (65 rounds), and then when he lets go of the trigger, the gun instantly reverse rotation of the barrels and unloads the three live shells. That's so fucking fast it'll make your head spin. Keep in mind each of the seven titanium gun barrels weigh seventy pounds. That. Is. Fucking Crazy. So anyway, thanks for explaining that. Ya douchebag.

After reading the article about the face transplant lady, my first thought wasn't to make fun of her, but of her husband. "Culp was 8 feet away from her husband, Thomas Culp, when he pulled the shotgun's trigger. He then turned the weapon on himself, according to local news reports. They both survived. Thomas Culp was sent to prison." Well no shit he shot her and I bet I can tell you why --she was a fucking nag. "You can't do anything right. I should have married my boyfriend from college. He owns his own cement business. My mother was right about you. .. Oh, what's that, a shotgun? Please, it's about time something finally got hard around here besides your brother. Oh don't point that thing at me, besides, like you can even hit me from there. You're such a screw up." And now it's like dude, you really do suck at everything you do. A shotgun? from eight feet? And then shoot yourself? And you both live? Now you've got to spend the rest of your life in prison eating through a feeding tube and she looks like Mrs. Potato Head. I hate to say it man, but maybe your wife was right; you can't do anything right.

Times New Roman, Franklin Gothic, MS Sans Serif, Lucida Console, Tahoma... you know, I've always wondered what the hell I needed all these fonts for, but what I didn't know was how competitive they were for my attention. Oh, and the chick who plays Ariel is kinda hot, the red headed whore.

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