YOU MIGHT LIKE
epic fail
free webcams
porn videos
lubetube mobile
damn!

LATEST FEATURES


ERNIE CAM

HOSTED BY
express hosting

E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

GO HOME BALL  -   articles - search - features - pictures - videos - tasteless - tits  -   WEBCAMS

jealous? click here to get your website on ehowa.com for as little as $5 per day
January 31, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Superbowl Weekend Here.

seems to be a bit nippy out today.

ernest borgnine masturbates. i'm just sayin.

if men wrote m4w ads like women wrote w4m ads

sexy banned peta ad that involved insanely hot girls and broccoli.

unsuspecting sailor + change in wind direction = MAJOR concussion.

young adults in the united states have a very limited understanding of the world around them.

i do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?

enter myfreepaysite.com, the world's first and only truly free adult megasite. NSFW.

bigbabboonass - niceiraqifamily - unloadmyastonmartin - wegoforthewings

your gas money in silver - your gas money in gold



January 30, 2009

Holy Crap, January Is Gone Already?

Sorry the site was down this morning, I got caught up watching Quantum of Solace and didn't notice it took a dump. Beats shellngi out $10 at the theaters and I think the only downside is with the 480x360 resolution you can't read any of the sub-titles when the foreigners speak. A little ungraceful at times but other than that, hey a freebie is a freebie.

So I'm throwing a Super Bowl party this weekend, and we'll be playing beer pong, which means I'm obligated to watch this new batch of beer pong trick shots to get ready for the game. Please practice with me? No? What, is my tampon showing?

Inspired by the movie Cool Hand Luke, Johnny Knoxville invites three contestants; Chris Nieratko, Preston Lacy, and Stephanie Hodge to try and eat fifty hard-boiled eggs in one hour. Only this time, not only is puking legal; it's encouraged.

There's no punchline here, it's just a "wow" demonstration of skill; I'm sure you can think of a couple punchlines if you want to... - Fil

I figured you would like this one Ern - screw tilt shift photography, what about a tilt shift monster truck derby! It's got everything except the dead 6 year old. Kade

Thought that you might like to see a deer that tried to turn a car a convertible. This happened in Mississippi on 1/17/09. My dad actually watched the deer jump into this car. Justin

Ernie, I got this from a friend and thought I would pass it on. Catastrophic failure of a 89' flatcar. Keep up the good work, Tyson

Ernie, A couple of odometer pics at 80,000 and 80,008 miles. Enjoy your site. Thanks, Joe. [I replied back with "80085 miles = BOOBS"] and Joe came through with: You got it!

Anyway, I was asking you to please quit with sad dog stories. It reminded me of Baby, our very beautiful longhaired yorkie. Had her for 15 years 'till her kidneys and badder stoped working correctly.....but that was ok. Vet agreed since she was in no pain and wore cute doggy dipers that looked like human overalls, but more colorful. Then after a year or so, her bowels became uncontrolable and the dipers did not work. So, it was to the vet for nite-nite shots. Wife would not come with me so I went alone. Baby was still licking my face when the vet started to give the shot. I could not take it. Here I was a retired military guy and I could not stop the flow of tears. Nor could I stay. I left and cried in the car for over 30 minutes before I could drive home. The memory has tears in my eyes even now. So, please understand my aversion to sad dog stories. Thanks, Bert.

Okay, because it's a dog and not a cat, I'm not going to make any gay innuendos about a long haired Yorkie named Baby. Besides, how can I refuse a request from a guy named Bert? Jim Henson woudl have my head (again). Just keep in mind that sometimes Mother Nature doesn't come out on top. As such are the cases of this rattlesnake and this deer. I do have a question though. What's the hardest part about rollerblading? Answer? Why telling your parents you're gay, of course! So remember, if that was a cat -- and I don't care how cool it was -- your ass would be mine.

This is the absolute world's best Kim Kardashian page, ever! Aw, c'mon lady. Don't you know you're not supposed to wear white shoes after Labor Day? Geez. No wait that sounded gay, too.

more pics of london from above, at night.

okay, so maybe it's time i update my 404 pages.

alliteration: beautiful babes bronze booty bikini battle.

a site collecting everyones pictures from the 09 inauguration.

diamond david lee roth + asteroids = the most AWESOME GAME EVER.

do NOT try to sell david letterman a $55 steamer, because he will fuck you up, richard simmons.

remember in july 2007 i gave props to female comedienne lisa lampanelli? here's her first hbo special.


January 29, 2009

Dogs Rule. Part, I Dunno, Eighteen Or So.

Check out this guys prank where he rigs up his roommates shower towel with electric current from a car battery. Eduard Delacroix, electricity shall now be passed through your body until you are dead, in accordance with state law. May God have mercy on your soul. Roll on two.

Dammit. Somebody wrote in the other day regarding the Dooze story, and talked about how it reminded them of when they had to put their own dog. But I lost the email, sorry. Anyway, I've always thought one of the greatest tragedies of life is that a dogs lifespan is so much shorter than that of its master. I got Ike when he was two, back in 2000, so by the best guess he's fast approacting nine years old sometime around May'ish. Not that you would know that by looking at him; he's healthy as a horse and has just as much spring in his step now as when I got him back in seven years ago. The only two signs of his ascending years are a few white hairs on his muzzle, and he favors his right rear leg a little if we play really hard the day before. So I try to keep the rough housing down to a dull roar of course, but he's still got more character than dogs ten times his size. But I suppose I'd be lying to you that when I'm watching television at night and scratcing his belly, only to have him drift off to sleep and go into one of his little whining/running doggie dreams, my mind occasionally wanders down What-Happens-When Road. But I just as quickly push those unwelcomed thoughts of out my head. Thankfully smaller dogs have a longer lifespan that larger breeds, so I won't have to cross that bridge anytime soon. And so to lift our little doggie spirits, I offer you this story from David...

One day on my way home from school when I was around 10 years old, I came upon a woman and her kids sitting with a cage full of puppies next to there van with a sign that read “Free Puppies”. They let me hold one and asked if I’d like to keep one...I do not remember having any thoughts about it and the word just instantly came out, "YES!" I carried the dog home. My parents came home a few hours later, they knew the dog was sick the moment they saw it. We went looking for the van and it was gone. That night the dog became sicker (crap coming out both ends) and by morning, it looked to be on deaths door. We took the dog to the vet and it had parvo (parvovirus) and a long list of other aliments. The vets bill came to right at $500. This was a lot of money for my family. My parents are very compassionate people so they paid the veterinarian. I got a dog and a very long talk about not bringing home any more dogs or cats, free, stray, or any other kind. Lesson learned; nothing in this world is free.

One day and 35 years later, I am helping a friend move his girlfriend from her mother’s house to his home. After packing and loading her stuff up, we headed over to her aunt’s house to visit. The aunt has a puppy that she had rescued. Since I do not really know anyone, the pup and I hang out while the girlfriend visits with relatives. The dog really seems to like me and they ask me if I would like to have her. Drawing from my past experience, I tell them I have to think about it. The puppy has some obvious deformity in its front legs and they live out in the country so I doubted the pup had ever seen a vet. That evening I get home to tell my wife about the pup and apparently, I was with in earshot of my 7 and 13-year-old daughters... I heard a "YES" just like this one 35 years earlier but this time it was in three-part harmony. Five days later, Grace was delivered to us. Grace is the dog’s name. My children started to rename her Roo or Skippy but she only responds to Grace or Gracie; I guess she knows her name. Grace is a seven-pound Mini-Dachshund born with unsable front legs and is about 6 to 8 month old. She gets around better than you might think; she stands up by doing a little hula type move that pops her off the ground and on to her hind feet. She then hops and uses her tail to balance. I took her to my veterinarian and the good news is that Grace’s over all health is good. The non-usable limbs are not causing any problems that would require surgery and the vet said she has adapted remarkably well to her condition. The main thing now is just keeping her from injuring her good limbs or her back and still allowing her to get lots of playtime and exercise. (FYI…she can climb stairs). The bad news is that she has heartworms and apparently, it takes a harsh treatment to cure this. I’m still learning about this but have her scheduled for treatment Monday morning and she will be at the veterinary for about a week. (They also gave me the talk about how sometime dogs can die from this treatment but did not feel this case was that severe). I’ll keep you posted on how the treatment goes.

I can’t really complain about the money because I knew what I was getting into it this time. We really love this dog and she really is remarkable. Still, let’s see... $88.50 for the shots and checkup and $400 plus for the heartworm treatment... yep, $500 bucks. Please see pictures attached. I will take some better ones later; we have only had her 3 days. David.

So there you have it folks -- the circle of life. I suppose we can learn a lot from dogs. No matter what life throws at them, they don't complain; they just keep going without a care in the world. Hey no sense in crying over it, right? So as you're laying awake tonight I don't want anyone losing sleep worrying about their dog. Instead I want you to lose sleep trying to get these mental images out of your head: the top ten things that give Bill O'Reilly a boner. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

On a night time flight back to SF from Amsterdam, someone noticed that the lights from cities were making the clouds glow. Really spectacular and ethereal - it was really seeing the impact of urban environments from a different perspective. Each glow or squiggle represents one town or city!

ten sexual anomalies that will make your head spin.

jenaveve jolie & bow wow sex scene on entourage. NSFW.

good news, goooood news, gooooooood news. britney is back.

search for or click on a name to see popularity trends for it since 1880

disturbing. two year olds last words to mom before she is killed by her.? "I love you."

man asks three photographers from the ap, reuters and afp for their favorite bush pictures.


January 28, 2009

Seven Myths About The Challenger Shuttle Disaster. By James Oberg

Myth #1: A nation watched as tragedy unfolded. Few people actually saw what happened live on television. The flight occurred during the early years of cable news, and although CNN was indeed carrying the launch when the shuttle was destroyed, all major broadcast stations had cut away — only to quickly return with taped relays. With Christa McAuliffe set to be the first teacher in space, NASA had arranged a satellite broadcast of the full mission into television sets in many schools, but the general public did not have access to this unless they were one of the then-few people with satellite dishes. What most people recall as a "live broadcast" was actually the taped replay broadcast soon after the event.

Myth #2: Challenger exploded. The shuttle did not explode in the common definition of that word. There was no shock wave, no detonation, no "bang" — viewers on the ground just heard the roar of the engines stop as the shuttle’s fuel tank tore apart, spilling liquid oxygen and hydrogen which formed a huge fireball at an altitude of 46,000 ft. (Some television documentaries later added the sound of an explosion to these images.) But both solid-fuel strap-on boosters climbed up out of the cloud, still firing and unharmed by any explosion. Challenger itself was torn apart as it was flung free of the other rocket components and turned broadside into the Mach 2 airstream. Individual propellant tanks were seen exploding — but by then, the spacecraft was already in pieces.

Myth #3: The crew died instantly. The flight, and the astronauts’ lives, did not end at that point, 73 seconds after launch. After Challenger was torn apart, the pieces continued upward from their own momentum, reaching a peak altitude of 65,000 ft before arching back down into the water. The cabin hit the surface 2 minutes and 45 seconds after breakup, and all investigations indicate the crew was still alive until then. What's less clear is whether they were conscious. If the cabin depressurized (as seems likely), the crew would have had difficulty breathing. In the words of the final report by fellow astronauts, the crew “possibly but not certainly lost consciousness”, even though a few of the emergency air bottles (designed for escape from a smoking vehicle on the ground) had been activated. The cabin hit the water at a speed greater than 200 mph, resulting in a force of about 200 G’s — crushing the structure and destroying everything inside. If the crew did lose consciousness (and the cabin may have been sufficiently intact to hold enough air long enough to prevent this), it’s unknown if they would have regained it as the air thickened during the last seconds of the fall. Official NASA commemorations of “Challenger’s 73-second flight” subtly deflect attention from what was happened in the almost three minutes of flight (and life) remaining AFTER the breakup.

Myth #4: Dangerous booster flaws result of meddling. The side-mounted booster rockets, which help propel the shuttle at launch then drop off during ascent, did possess flaws subject to improvement. But these flaws were neither especially dangerous if operated properly, nor the result of political interference. Each of the pair of solid-fuel boosters was made from four separate segments that bolted end-to-end-to-end together, and flame escaping from one of the interfaces was what destroyed the shuttle. Although the obvious solution of making the boosters of one long segment (instead of four short ones) was later suggested, long solid fuel boosters have problems with safe propellant loading, with transport, and with stacking for launch — and multi-segment solids had had a good track record with the Titan-3 military satellite program. The winning contractor was located in Utah, the home state of a powerful Republican senator, but the company also had the strengths the NASA selection board was looking for. The segment interface was tricky and engineers kept tweaking the design to respond to flight anomalies, but when operated within tested environmental conditions, the equipment had been performing adequately.

Myth #5: Environmental ban led to weaker sealant. A favorite of the Internet, this myth states that a major factor in the disaster was that NASA had been ordered by regulatory agencies to abandon a working pressure sealant because it contained too much asbestos, and use a weaker replacement. But the replacement of the seal was unrelated to the disaster — and occurred prior to any environmental ban. Even the original putty had persistent sealing problems, and after it was replaced by another putty that also contained asbestos, the higher level of breaches was connected not to the putty itself, but to a new test procedure being used. “We discovered that it was this leak check which was a likely cause of the dangerous bubbles in the putty that I had heard about," wrote physicist Richard Feynman, a member of the Challenger investigation board. And the bubble effect was unconnected with the actual seal violation that would ultimately doom Challenger and its crew. The cause was an inadequate low-temperature performance of the O-ring seal itself, which had not been replaced.

Myth #6: Political pressure forced the launch. There were pressures on the flight schedule, but none of any recognizable political origin. Launch officials clearly felt pressure to get the mission off after repeated delays, and they were embarrassed by repeated mockery on the television news of previous scrubs, but the driving factor in their minds seems to have been two shuttle-launched planetary probes. The first ever probes of this kind, they had an unmovable launch window just four months in the future. The persistent rumor that the White House had ordered the flight to proceed in order to spice up President Reagan’s scheduled State of the Union address seems based on political motivations, not any direct testimony or other first-hand evidence. Feynman personally checked out the rumor and never found any substantiation. If Challenger's flight had gone according to plan, the crew would have been asleep at the time of Reagan's speech, and no communications links had been set up.

Myth #7: An unavoidable price for progress. Claims that the disaster was the unavoidable price to be paid for pioneering a new frontier were self-serving rationalizations on the part of those responsible for incompetent engineering management — the disaster should have been avoidable. NASA managers made a bad call for the launch decision, and engineers who had qualms about the O-rings were bullied or bamboozled into acquiescence. The skeptics’ argument that launching with record cold temperatures is valid, but it probably was not argued as persuasively as it might have been, in hindsight. If launched on a warmer day, with gentler high-altitude winds, there’s every reason to suppose the flight would have been successful and the troublesome seal design (which already had the attention of designers) would have been modified at a pace that turned out to have been far too leisurely. The disaster need never have happened if managers and workers had clung to known principles of safely operating on the edge of extreme hazards — nothing was learned by the disaster that hadn’t already been learned, and then forgotten.

five mental disorders that can totally get you laid.

i can think of a few parents i'd like to give this rant to.

the top 15 craigslist personals least likely to be answered.

old and busted: how many 5 year olds could you take in a fight.

the new hotness: how many 90 year olds could you take in a fight.

instead of 0-60, how about we concentrate on getting the prices a little lower?

nothing turns heads like the lambo murcielago. except for mercedes, the model laying on it.

antisocialbehavior - asslikeanapple - heydicknose - karibyronrifle - pocketfullosquirrels - thatsonecoldtank


January 27, 2009

Gimme Some Sugar, Baby.

Wow, T-shirt Hell is going out of business. I knew Aaron way back from when he used to run freakmarm. I guess Aaron, oh excuse me Sunshine Megatron, is just tired of selling t-shirts. So after eight years in business he's closing the doors. That kind of sucks, because I really liked a lot of their shirts -- especially 'I Support Single Moms' to 'I Pound Beers For Jesus'. Well, all good things, they say. But at least they're doing 15% off everything from now until they shut down on February 10th. So long Sunshine, we hardly knew ye.

Hey you know how the British Royal Foot Guards aren't supposed to break ranks for anybody, even when shithead tourists try to heckle them? Yeah, well this one didn't get that memo.

What makes Gemma Atkinson the perfect female? Not only is she beautiful. Not only does she sport a pair of 34E knockers. But she drinks Guinness Stout, too. I tink I wub you, Gemma. I want to make love to you some place uncomfortable, like the back of a Volkswagen.

Ernie, The Think of the Children! argument when it comes to offensive material has always seemed backwards to me. My 4-year-old son was beside me when I was looking at your site today. He was playing with some toys on the bed, but it’s not outside the realm of possibility he glanced up and saw a pair of boobs on one of the links. My level of concern? Zero. Let me be clear – I don’t go out of my way to present nudity or pornography to him. But I don’t cover his eyes and go full retard if I think he’s about to see a naked person on T.V. or the internet. Why? Because I don’t think sex is innately offensive. At some point in his life, my son will probably have sex. Most people do. It’s completely natural. I censor material that is excessively graphic, and I have internet filters set up for his access (he’s surprisingly adept at using a computer as his age, mostly using bookmarks and ‘favorites’), but I’m more worried about violence and language. Take for instance a PG or PG-13 rated movie as shown at 7pm on network television. There will be no nudity or strong sexual themes, but there will be language I don’t want my 4-year old repeating, and there’s a possibility of acts of physical violence and death scenes of varying intensity. Most people will never kill another human. Lots of people have never even been in a fight – fist or gun. I don’t understand the discrepancy of control towards these two things, so I act on what I think is best for my child. My wife and I will teach our son about sex and normal human interaction over the course of his childhood and adolescence in an age-appropriate way, and he (hopefully) will put the pieces together to when and how these behaviors fit into normal life. With violence, there is almost no socially acceptable situation, “Well son, if your wife is kidnapped by drug dealers, and you’ve already completed your martial arts training, but only if you have a close friend who’s on an otherwise corrupt police force, then it’s okay to assassinate increasingly important members of the criminal organization until you find inner peace.” Uh-huuuuuh. I fully recognize you may disagree with this, and so might your readers. And that’s great, because I’m not encouraging them (or you) to follow my advice. I’m not suggesting it be the standard. While I will listen to other individuals, I don’t have any patience for the demands of institutions. It should be up to the parents…. Love your site, keep up the good work. J

Okay, new rule. Anytime you write in to me, you must -- MUST -- include some obscure movie reference in your email. If you don't have any idea what movie that clip was from, it's Tropic Thunder. Personally, I'd rather juggle a lion's balls than be forced to watch that movie again, but it had a few decent scenes. Anyone ignoring my movie reference rule will be pranked at the owner's expense. And it won't be a good prank, either, it'll be one of those scary ones.

Show me your wallpaper. Here's mine in reduced size, as the original is 2048x1636.

everything is better with bacon. even websites.

how old are you darlin? seriously, how old are you?

the miley cyrus legal age, rehab and sex tape countdown.

the top ten jack nicholson performances. heeeeere's johnny.

the twenty five most painful mxc eliminations. right you are, ken.

top performances by superbowl quarterbacks. we miss you, jim plunkett.

waxing strip + overweight sleeping girfriend with hairy eyebrows = comedy gold.


January 26, 2009

So Long Dooze, We Hardly Knew Ye.

This really tough Hells Angel bursts into a bar and strides up to the middle of the bar. He orders a beer, gulps it down, turns to the people at the left end of the bar and growls "All you down there... You're all a bunch of queer cocksuckers!" he gulps down a second beer and turns to the right side of the bar. "You're all a bunch of stupid motherfuckers." All is still for a moment until a little guy at the right end gets up. The Hells Angel says, "Where the fuck you going?" The guy says, "I'm at the wrong end of the bar."

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?". His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!". "No, no," says Roger, "I just know her from volleyball". Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?". His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels. At this, the cabby leans over and says "Boy Roger, sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight."

Ernie- It's just a little dated but still current! - Steven

Just nuts! Here's what really happened aboard Flight 1549 - Enjoy. Puddy.

Hey Ernie, The first link is a sad but a great read for any dog lover, unfortunately we all go through it in time. The second is about a cat, not your favorite I know, but his name is ”Ernie” so he couldn’t be all bad. Always a great site, Scott. Jackson, MI.

I'd like to thank you for this image. It made my fucking chest hurt. Thanks again. Love the site. Danny

Saturday evening Baptist Med-Flight departed Memphis enroute back to Little Rock without a patient. Med Flight struck a flock of birds around the Forrest City area and made an emergency landing. The pilot suffered some minor injuries and everyone was shaken up. Attached are the pictures from the incident and the associated damages that occurred to their aircraft. Med-Flight crews do not wear helmets and are lucky the pilot's vision remained intact to land the aircraft. Kurt

An attractive but heavyset woman was setting at a bar when a lounge lizard type walked up and asked her to dance. She tactfully declined but the guy sneared, "You gotta fat ass anyway," before stalking back to his table. A sensitive type setting a few stools away timidly approached her and said, "Gee, that guy was such a jerk." "Excuse me, but do I know you?" the woman replied, "I can take care of myself just fine." "Well, I thought you might need a little help," mumbled the second guy, "what with that big ass of yours and all."

A 6 year-old negro boy is sitting on his proud uncle's knee one summer evening. The boy says "Uncle, why do we have black skin?" His uncle replied, "So that we don't burn so easily in the hot African sun." The boy then asks, "Uncle, why do we have such a big, wide nose?" His uncle replies, "So, that when we are running to catch our prey in the hot African climate, we don't run out of breath". The little negro boy then says, "Uncle, why do we have such long legs?" His uncle says, "So that when we are being chased by lions and tigers, we can run fast to the next tree and escape them," he answers proudly. The little boy, looking a little puzzled, then asks, "Uncle, why do we have this funny black curly hair on our head?" His uncle replies, "Well, son, when your up that tree escaping the lion or tiger, it will keep the hot African sun off of your head." The little boy stops to think for a while and then asks, "Then Uncle, why do we live in New Orleans?"

e-trade baby found dead in apparent suicide.

the world's first double backflip with a snowmobile. crazy fuck.

what's the first rule of fight club? this is fucking awesome, that's what.

old and busted: the snuggie blanket from tv. the new hotness: the what the fuck blanket.

presidential pets that make obama look like a pussy. teddy roosevelt HAD A FUCKIGN BADGER.


January 24, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

These photos were taken by the crane operator lifting the Airbus out of the Hudson River . He's a friend of my buddy Tommy, a fellow member of the CG Aux. They lifted the airliner out of the Hudson yesterday. It's now being looked at right here in the port of Jersey City. Fred.

man i sure hate this fucking weather.

funny. pranks from the office: dwight vs jim.

how to stump anti-abortionists with a single direct question.

a list of all the airplane water ditchings and the results, since 1991.

a map of structurally deficient bridges in united states. good luck, northeast.

domocake - ifeelprettyohsopretty - likeshitthroughagoose - makeboycry - obamaisgoogle - willyoumarryme

a hot girl walks around on the boardwalk wearing nothing but short shorts and tight bikini top asking people...


January 23, 2009

Feedback Friday.

As much as I want to link the pic I can't. I won't. Before you click on the link, here's how I stumbled upon this. In another thread there is some discussion of pubic hair, shaving and standards. I was going to post a pic of some eggs, but instead of typing in "eggs" into google, I typed "juevos". However here is the link for the search. The first image result is very very unexpected. I don't want credit for this, however with all the fucked up pics (with all due respect) you link, I couldn't let it go without your attention. CP

Ernie. My friend Al made this for me! It's great! Don't ya think! - Chris D.

Hey Ernie, Tuesday night I was working the MTV Inaugural party at the Washington Hilton and happened to be in the room when the POTUS arrived and gave his little speech. I snapped a photo of him with my cameraphone. Thought you might like it, even though you have to use your imagination to know it's him due to the quality and distance. He's standing to the right of the the band as your looking at the picture. I know your a fan of the man, so enjoy! Mike

Some things just scream Ernie. Were you out and about last night? I'm surprised that it could be that easy to change one of these. Rob

I was reading EHOWA this morning, and I clicked on the link to warninglabelgenrator.com. My first thought was, "eh...kinda lame"; my second thought was, "I know of a better online warning sign generator." This generator will let you make OSHA & NIOSH-compliant signs, labels & lockout/ragout tags; but where's the fun in that? Play with it! I've attached one of the signs that I made. Love the site, keep it up! -Dave

You were right. It was too cold for Yo-Yo Ma and company to play on Tuesday. Vannucci [Ernie says: Dude. Of course I'm right, I'm The Man.]

Couple of comments on today's blog. First, I think the disrespect shown to GWB during the inauguration was completely shameful -- the overwhelming boo's on introduction, the chanting of that song "na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye" at the end, and all the "arrest Bush for war crimes" signs. . I didn't vote for Obama but I will respect him as our commander in chief until he no longer holds that title. I hope Obama doesn't have to deal with another 9/11 during his watch but how quickly the libs of this country forget that GWB had to deal with a national situation with which no other president has ever had to deal with on American soil. The other comment I wanted to share is concerning "Mall Cop". My wife and I went to see that last Friday and honestly it was a funny and lighthearted movie. Quite hating on the fat man. Regards, Randy

Honestly, I've got mixed feelings on this. One on hand you've got showing a little class and respect, versus the people's right to protest via freedom of speech. I remember many moons ago when that C-5 Galaxy crashed and I posted some video of a re-enactment, only to receive an urgent email from Puddy a few hours later. "Dude don't post that, it's an internal video and portrays USAF pilots in a poor light." "Well true," was my reply, "but if you don't want to get made fun of for crashing a 500,000 pound airplane, then I suggest you don't crash a 500,000 pound airplane." Now as for during the actual inauguration itself, I'm of the school that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. So booing during his introduction was most certainly poor form. Better to just sit on your hands and keep your mouth shut, in my opinion. Because if all of the people introduced prior GWB received thunderous applause, and then when his name is called and he steps out only to have the crowd fall silent.... well, let's just say that would have been louder than any 'boo' out there. But as for people cheering/patronizing him during his final departure? Every President, no matter how well received, is going to have his or her detractors you have to look at the intensity of the anger towards GWB and shake your head. No other President leaving office in the last fifty years has received such an emotional response from people. Why is that? Did he really serve the will of the people, or instead stick to his own ideologies? Clearly most people think the latter, so can't be surprised when people react accordingly.

okay stemmies, time to get your game face on.

the obameter: tracking obama's campaign promises.

same actor, wrong role. a photoshop pictorial storybook.

where aren't they now? fifteen overlooked deaths of 2008.

ten celebrities that have aged miserably. kelly lebrock - WTF?!

i've been waiting for these - boston.com's pictorial on the inauguation.

so where the hell is my flying car you promised me? well, ok, thank you very much.



January 22, 2009

What? Everybody Likes Fresh Milk.

Now I'm not bragging or anything, but ever since I bought a gun crime rate here in Lee County is down 9%. I'm just sayin. And you might like to think that it was a harmless bird strike that brought down that US Air plane into the Hudson river, but I know the truth. That's right, I'm watching you.

And a few people asked me what I meant when I said I can post certain pictures now that GWB is out of office. I was referring to the Child Online Protection Act that his administration was pushing for. I don't think it's any coincidence that the Supreme Court rejected hearing the case the day after GWB left office. Basically, the proposed law says that all porn is considered child porn unless you can prove otherwise. That means that previously, before I could post this pictures of his guy getting kicked in his danglers, I had to make sure I had copies of both person's drivers licenses to prove both parties were both at least eighteen years of age. It doesn't matter that they're both obviously well into their late 20's, or that it's staged; simulated pornography were included as well. Although didn't go so far as to include sexually explicit snowmen, thankfully. besides, decency is relevent; who is to say this is appropriate for kids but this isn't? Suffice to say I'm happy with the Supreme Court's ruling. Kids need to be protected from harmful material on the internet but that's mom and dad's job, not mine.

Hello Ernie, This is a simple derailment that happened this afternoon (1.21.2009) in Puyallup, WA, (between Seattle and Tacoma) but it fowled the mainline for BNSF causing Sounder commuter trains and others to be delayed. You can see the front of the train in the distance in the first photo. Apparently there was some slack in the train and the coupler was pulled out at the base of the shank. It fell to rails causing a pole vault action that lifted the front of the flat car off the wheel set and making a bit of a mess. Good thing the train automatically went into emergency when the air hoses separated or it could have been a bigger mess. As simple as this looks, it's still going to require a new wheel set and there was a lot of brake gear scattered beneath the rest of the train. This is the mainline between Seattle and California. I got there about an hour after it happened. As much as I respect law enforcement, I had to laugh as a young Puyallup police officer told me to get back on the other side of the street because this was a "dangerous situation." As you know, it takes quite a bit of force to lift the trucks off the axles as in this case where both axle sets are out of the frames. Harald. Tacoma WA

I've been meaning to ask you for a while now and your post the other day about the site with streaming movies reminded me. How do you feel about us who view that sort of thing for free, same view on downloading music, books, etc.? I personally really couldn't give a shit about downloading that sort of thing, I've spent plenty of money on overpriced movie theater tickets and snacks. Shit, 15 bucks for a movie and 12 bucks for a soda to mix with my Jack, plus gas, plus waiting in line, and then getting to listen to that fuckin baby cry because the machine guns are too loud in a rated R movie. WTF? Don't get me wrong, I sure as hell love to go to the movies to see something I really could get into Gran Torino, (fine fucken movie, I just can't get over the fact that Eastwood is a Vegan, thanks a lot for that link to the Eastwood fact shit too) but I'm sure as hell glad I didn't go see Max Payne. Later man, -- Andrew

Actually that fact about ol Clint seems to be complete bullshit. 1 - 2 - 3. Whew, I just wanted to clear that up.

As for boosting music online? Well, I suppose deep down no matter how you look at it, it's stealing. But whatever blows up your skirt. I don't think it's any more dishonest then shelling out $18 for a new CD that's only got two decent songs amongst twelve tracks of absolute crap. I think online sites such as iTunes have it right, where you only pay for the songs you like. This way when a well established band such as U2 releases an album like Achtung Baby and sells a million copies of each track, it tells them something. Likewise when they only sell one track off that abortion How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, it tells them something else. Besides, there are more discreet ways of finding music online if you know how to look. As for movies, with $12 ticket prices and twenty minutes worth of previews and commercials beforehand? Watch away dude, watch away.

one hundred of the hottest female celebrity tattoos.

kamikaze comedy: confessions of a sorority house crasher.

answer this trivia question to register for your 50 free song downloads.

you fucked lumbergh. mike judge planning an office space ten year reunion.


January 21, 2009

Okay, Now Open The Floodgates On Stem Cell Research.

Some observations from yesterday's Inauguration.

1. For starters, there is evidently a 2-3 second delay between the cameras and the jumbotrons that were placed throughout the National Mall area. I noticed whenever a cameras focused on a individual person's face, there was a slight delay before their eyes grew wide and they turned to face the camera with a smile and start to wave... right before the camera cut off. Funny. Speaking of which, wow that was a big fucking crowd. Too bad they didn't clean up after themselves.

2. The satellite image that CNN was so proud of, wasn't anywhere near as cool as they thought it was. Not even close.

3. Rick Warren's invocation was a horrible embarrassment. For an event that was supposed to be welcoming to all, he did a terrific job at alienating anyone who doesn't wear a cross around their neck. "His Blessed Grace We Live For Thee Everything Good Is Yours And We Suck.." Dude, just shut the fuck up. Horrible invocation, horrible man, two thumbs down. Now the Benediction by Rev Joseph Lowrey? That was good shit. I felt comfortable with what he had to say, he even made me laugh, and he gets a thumbs up from me.

4. Musicians and singers -- how the fuck did their fingers not freeze to the point where they couldn't play their instruments correctly? I wonder if they did the orchestral version of lipsyncing -- just going through the motions while prerecorded music was played over the speakers? And don't you dare talk during Aretha Franklin's rendition of our National Anthem, or she will tell you to shut up right then and there. R-E-S-P-E-C-T, motherfucker, learn it.

5. Dick Cheney in a wheelchair. Well, funny is the first word to come to mind, disrespectful is the next. I saw other people get out of their wheelchairs during meaningful portions of the ceremonies, why couldn't he? Oh I hurt my back. Horseshit. Stand the fuck up when your National Anthem is played and while your next President is sworn in. Hopefully, he is the guy Aretha told to shut the fuck up. Douchebag.

6. Shouldn't the bullet proof glass on the podium have been just a little bit higher? You know, to protect the ol cranium? I sat there in front of the television wondering if this was going to be the moment I'd reflect upon years later when someone asked me an updated version of, "Where were you when JFK was shot?" And I'm just so glad nobody tried anything stupid. Oh and those Secret Service escort vehicles with the 'special secret sauce inside' that were following Obama's limousine... they're just cool.

7. At first I thought Obama fucked up the Oath of office, which kind of made me giggle. But guess what. It turns out Justice Roberts fucked it up -- Obama realized the mistake and stopped, thus giving Roberts the opportunity to correct himself. Huh.

8. The flag officer standing next to Obama in the Presidential review stand? Please, someone teach that motherfucker how to salute properly. Christ, Obama's was better than that, and this was his first try.

9. I liked Obama's Inaugural Address. Aside from the fact that it was the first well delivered Presidential speech in eight years, I appreciated his acknowledgement of us non-believing heathen bastards. I also liked how he gave the hang loose gesture to the Hawaiian kids as they passed the review stand during the parade. To me, it reaffirmed that Obama seems to be in touch with the people. The Lincoln Bible and train ride were a symbolic tip of the hat, too. Now will his ideas such as, "We will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist," in regards to our enemies pay off? Well, only one way to find out.

10. I'm glad Obama acknowledged GWB's service to our country, and more importantly, the crowd responded appropriately with applause.

Now as for GWB? Well listen, I'm not going to jump on that bandwagon labeling him the worst President ever. The biggest thing that I'll openly complain about is my God, he was a horrible public speaker. I mean horrible. But love him or hate him, GWB was a man of conviction who was faced with a lot of tough choices and while his ideals certainly didn't always jive with mine -- certainly less and less as his administration stumbled on -- I'll give him points for sticking to his guns. If we can assume for a minute that the United States is split evenly between Democrats and Republicans, and each party will initially approve or disapprove of a President based upon those political lines, the starting benchmark is 50% approval. At his peak (almost 90% approval) President Bush enjoyed positive ratings not only from every single Republican in the country, but four our of five Democrats as well. That's unprecedented. But by the end of his term (24% approval) not only did every one of those Democrats turn to regard him unfavorably, but so did half of his fellow Republicans. Thus I ask you to consider this: for a guy to go from the best approval ratings ever held by any President; to the lowest approval ratings ever held by any President? I'm sorry but dude, you've fucked the dog somewhere along the line. So. Best of luck, au revoir, safe travels, and like the man says, thank you for your service. Now let's face forward.

Besides, with a black guy in office we're free to put affirmative action to bed. And with GWB's out of office, I'm free to class the place up a bit and can once again post weird shit like this. See, everybody wins!

the country's new robots.txt file. trust me, it's neat.

here's miranda keerr looking horrible at the beach again.

susan sarandon's daughter sure has one hell of a pair of tits.

a new president means a new look, features for whitehouse.gov.

if you're up north and buried in snow right now, things could be worse.

natazha aiken shows us how with style and engineering, bentley is back in the game.

"i like fast cars and fast women. i guess that's why the guys in my car club call me cruiser."


January 20, 2009

A Changing of The Guard. Finally.

Hi Ernie, here's a list of practically all the live streams and online video coverage of Obama's Inauguration. I couldn't find a more comprehensive list than this one. With Obama entering the White House being the hot topic at the moment I think your readers would love this list. Thanks, Andy from the UK

So today is the day, eh. I'll be honest, I'm looking forward to it. I really am. I think this will be the first Presidential address to the nation that I've looked forward to in almost four years and I'll actually be able to watch it sober. I'll save my thoughts on GWB until tomorrow; today he's still my President and one has to respect the office and all that.

But at the same time I realize that some of you aren't as enthusiastic about todays ceremonies as some are; in fact it might even be painful for you to watch and thats to be expected. Just so long as you express your disenchanted in an acceptable way, and not like a closed minded, slack jawed, mouth breathing, yee-haw shouting, Rebel flag waving redneck. Obama is not some guy with an evil plan of world domination. It's 2009 for Christ's sake, grow the fuck up and let it go.

no kidding: check the date on this onion classic.

the best of SNL's celebrity jeopardy. suck it trebek.

mila kunis as a zombie is still hotter than most chicks i know.

photo cliches of lynndie england (the she-beast from abu ghraib prison).

five million lego pieces to create this giant boulder - then used to replicate the famous indiana jones chase.


January 19, 2009

I Have A Dream Too, Ya Know.

But mine involves Jessica Biel, Eliza Duzhku, a roll of duct tape, four tongue depressors, a spider monkey, three pints of raspberry jam, half an iguana, eleven feet of speaker wire, half a pallet of fresh sod, a 1 1/2 horsepower sump pump, 150' of garden hose, two gallons of pink latex paint, two electric toothbrushes, and a handblown glass wine carafe. So I guess it's probably not quite as dignified as MLK's dream. And what's the half an iguana for? Don't ask. But on a more realistic plane of existance, with the Arizona Cardinals in the big game this year, Am I the only one that would like to see a little special something done at the Super Bowl, in honor of Pat Tillman?

Oh, and Happy Monday. You wanna know why trying to find a chick online is for suckers? While you think you're going to get contacted by chicks who look and act like this, when in reality they act more like this. I hope you can spot the difference between the two because that's a mistake you don't want to make.

ALERT: From the This-Is-Fucking-Awesome Department. Watch all the latest movies, online, meaning no bit torrents to download and no software install. Most of the movies work, but I've found a few broken links so far. Hurry up before they geet pulled down?

My Chia Pet looks an awful lot like Nick Nolte - Chad

Hi Ernie, Joyce from Chicago here (formerly from LA).. This sauce is awesome, and made in my home town area. I tell everybody here about it, and it's great with my homemade dumplings and potstickers. Just got a Mac and your site looks awesome on it. Happy New Year, Joyce

Ernie, I will save you the look up time and tell you first time. The license plate came on my wife's car when we bought it. They said it was from the sales manager's wife. The plate's not on any car, it's in my basement. We hadn't noticed the message. My brother's wife commented on it. The kicker is that it's an Olympic plate. They were not supposed to be custom. Theoretically that plate just came off the stack. Steve

Hi Ernie! Long time reader, wrote in maybe one other time when you were having the rear done on your truck. ( I think - who says booze and pot kills brain cells!) I found this website while looking for shooting targets and I thought you would appreciate it! Great site!!! I hope to find more worthy stuff to send along to contribute in the near future! Jason

Believe it or not, I've shot at zombie targets like that before, and sadly it wasn't as satisfying as I had imagined it would be. Now these ones that Richard sent in... I think those are rockin!

Hi Ernie, take your pick, U.S. or Metric? It doesn't matter you Floridian jerk!! Andy

You're one lucky bastard Ernie! I miss Florida! Actual temp this morning in Fort Wayne, IN. Keep up the great work bro! Jason

One of the big deciding factors in my MA -> FL move was the winter on early 2005, right before I jumped ship. It hit -10 degrees for a week straight. Ike's paws would freeze half a minute out the door, you couldn't catch yoru breath it was so cold, and my windwhield wiper motor froze more than once. Piss on that, I decided I don't live in Siberia so I shouldn't have to put up with Siberian weather. Sticking around through that shit as long as I did? I dunno, seems kinda stupid, man.

Ladies, just in for Inauguration Day, get rid of your bush in honor of the country getting rid of President Bush. Seriously, here's a coupon. Don't say I've never done anything for you.

lisa snowden topless at the beach. sorta. mostly.

why google employees quit. bureaucracy is everywhere.

top ten awesome things you didn't know about clint eastwood.

twenty four things about to go extinct. unfortunately, no fred phelps.

ever seen a porsche 997tt before? me neither, but lauren glenn sure has.

unsexy moments: the only thing grosser than popping a zit is this. super nasty.

not trying to be racist on MLK day, but here's a video of a black guy teaching us how to eat watermelon.


January 17, 2009

Insert Your Favorite 'I'm The Greatest' Weekend Joke Here.

the top ten movies where the bad guy wins.

fine, don't fucking hire me, you can't handle my shit.

just because i can: here's a dog interrupting a soccer game.

are you going to just sit there, or are you going to fly that chinook?

eighty four actor who are completely unrecognizable in their makeup

jodie marsh takes her 32GGs …oh and her boyfriend... for a night out in town.

inside the cab of a giant snowplow in banff, alberta, canada. thats one big bitch.

deputyjohnnycash - drunkandmilky - gianetennisballs - japanesephotobomb - slackpower


January 16, 2009

Feedback Friday.

Let me tell you something folks. When I get on a plane to fly somewhere, I always -- always -- take note of the number of rows between me and the nearest emergency exit. And that's not so that in the dark, I can touch each seatback and count my way to the exit. No. it's so that I know just how many peoples heads I'm going to have to shove into the ground as I jump over them on the way to getting my fucking ass out of that plane. Whether I'm sitting in the emergency exit or not, I can guar-an-fucking-tee you I'll be the first one out that door. So be forewarned: if you ever board a plane and happen to see me sitting there, and the shit hits the fan... I've given you fair warning. Don't get between me and fucking exit.

I agree with Shlomo; the term Jew in the context used perpetuates hatred. It may be part of your vocabulary, but I thought you had more class. And yes, I have sent several contributions for publication and have supported the LBEH for the past two years. So, as you have said before, I earned the right to voice my opinion. Jay

Oh, c'mon Jay, don't be so sensitive.

21lbs in 65 days is pretty impressive. At 6’4 and 260, I carry my extra 20 pretty well, but I wouldn’t mind dumping either. Can you elaborate as to how you did it? Thanks, JB

Well JB, it was actually a two pronged approach, each being the result of countless hours of preparation and biogenetic research and passed down through throughout the Stewart family from generation to generation. No pills, no herbal crap, no eating roots. But since you've asked so nicely, I will now reveal those secrets methods to you. Step one: I got off my fat ass and went to the gym. I did thirty minutes of cardio on an eliptical machine -- which really isn't breaking your balls -- five times a week. In addition to the four hundred calories that directly burns each trip, it speeds up your metabolism. And step two: I shoveled less food into my mouth. You know that sensation you get when you realize you're full, there's still food left on your plate but you, "don't want to let it go to waste?" Yeah, well, let it go to waste. After two months of doing that and letting my stomach shrink, the portions of food I eat now are about one third the size of when I started. Now I fit into my old jeans. Seriously, that was it. Exercise and put the fucking fork down, dude.

Ernie, Great site. Thanks for all your hard work to help our troops and their families! After following one of your links I noticed a very interesting camera in this picture. The revolution will be televised. Steven

Heya Ernie, We had a small problem with one of the MLG (main landing gear) tires on one of our Hercs up here in Kodiak and someone decided to have some fun, thought I’d pass it on… TK, USCG, Kodiak, AK

Hey Ernie, Seems to me I remember you talking about a trip to St. Regis Falls recently. We hang around a place called the "Red Tavern" (ask the locals) just down the road when we ski at Titus Mountain and Whiteface. Slip in for a beer sometime. I'm sure you've been to the Riverside Inn and when we were there last, we saw a new sign. Musta gone up after your visit. Been hanging around your site for a few years. - Terry, Cobourg, Ontario

After my visit? Dude, I think they put that urinal sign up because of my visit.

Ernie, Seen the guns pics and thought of this picture Just a quick pick of the hood of my buddy's blazer from last weekend, went out for a little shootin... this is a small portion of the "collection" that we took out to shoot. (a different) Steven

Hey I don't want to sound gay or anything, but I think I love you man.

won't somebody please think of the birds.

do not, i repeat, do not fuck with this black dude.

you might be a liberal if... you might be a conservative if...

casey carlson has got talent, the looks, the voice, and really really big tits.

congratulations puddy, b-2 bombers have officially turned gay. occ sucks.

star wars: as retold by someone who hasn't really seen it. stupid amanda.



January 15, 2009

Tires, And The Proper Usage Of The Word Jew As A Verb.

They say when it rains it pours, and evidently tires are no exception because after I took my TT in for some scheduled maintenance yesterday, they pointed out the right rear tire was balder than a spanked baby's ass. And let me tell you, low profile Y rated tires ain't fucking cheap, either. The service guy was happy to inform me they had them in stock for only $298 per tire, plus tax! Woo hoo! That set of tires -- Michelin Pilot Sport PS2s -- went on in the summer of 2003 and only have 35,000 miles on them. Now I know they're made of a softer compound for better traction and thus don't have an extended treadlife, but I was very disappointed in how quickly they wore out. I paid more for those than I did for the BFGs on my truck, but only got one third of the mileage. Fuck that. So I went on the hunt for a less expensive replacement (a Jew tire...) and after reading a lot of the reviews on tirerack, settled upon a set of Sumitomo HTR Z III as a good alternative. The only bad reviews I read were those from people with rolling mullets (Mustang, Camaro, Trans Am) and most of those complaints began with, "I've got 450 rear wheel horsepower...," so I felt pretty confident about my Sumitomo selection.

From: "Shlomo BenTzvi"
Subject: Offensive Language
Date: Tue, 13 Jan 2009 14:39:07 -0500

“I don't want to chintz out with some Jew tire.”

Don’t think that’s really necessary, do you? Couldn’t see you calling it a “n**ger tire” because it was black, or any other ethnic term. It’s tire, man, and you got it for a good price. That’s all. Calling it a “Jew tire” is offensive and nothing more. I had a much better opinion of you, and I’m sure you will try to fix this. Thanks. BenTzvi

You know what, Shlomo is absolutely right. And so using my tire purchasing experience as an example, I will dedicate this post to educating you all on the proper usage of the word Jew. So while the word 'Jew' isn't quite as versatile as say, the word 'fuck', it's still a regular part of my everyday vocabulary. Example, as a verb: "Dude, don't try to Jew me out that extra six bucks, either." And as a noun: "C'mon dude the bill was $10, so tip like a Jew." And finally like earlier this week, as an adjective: "I don't want to chintz out with some Jew tire.” This last one is a little tricky as the meaning is completely counter-intuitive as to what you'd expect, but don't worry we'll get into examples of each in just a moment.

So anyway now faced with having to buy not one but two(!) complete sets of tires, I reluctantly came to grips with the fact that I was going to go to bed considerably lighter in the wallet than when I had woken up. And all this happens two weeks after Christmas, of course, but the tires are so fucking bad I really can't wait. My only saving grace is at barely 5,000 miles a year per vehicle, this is quite possibly the last sets of sneakers for the forseeable future. Plus, I know that going in to buy two sets of tires is a little bit of a bargaining chip, so I should be able to negotiate a better deal than if I were only buying one set. I did my usual calling around to collect prices, the same as before; Costco, Sears, Tires Plus, Tire Kingdom, Tires-R-Us, Tires-R-You, Tire Father, Tire Mother, Tire Uncle, blah-blah-blah. Costco comes in at the best prices for the truck tires but doesn't carry the tires I want for my car. Next best price is [TIRESHOP], which is cool because they're a local franchise of a national chain with a pretty good presence; a good thing when considering a road hazard warranty. The guy behind the counter seems somewhat reluctant to deal and come in at $155 each for the car tires, with an out the door total of $793 after: mounting and balancing, road hazard warranty, mandatory state tire fees, shop fees, and 6% sales tax. I can of course print out an internet coupon for $40 off, but here's a clue... coupons are for suckers. Coupons are a Jewish consolation prize. Why? Because I can Jew (verb: dicker, bargain, negotiate, deal, haggle) off much more than $40.

And this brings us to step one of Jew'ing (verb: present tense) some money off the bill. "Fine," says I, "I'll take the $40 coupon but no road hazard warranty ($14 a tire), it's too expensive." I'm being a Jew (noun: cheap bastard, penny pincher, tight fisted prick) and lower my grand total to $697. I hand over the keys and they start to work on the car.

Now it's time to turn my attention to the truck's tires. And here's where I thought I was really going to get lucky. As it just so happens, Sears is running a sale on the very same BFGs I'm looking for. They will beat anyone else's price by 10%. Or so I thought. [TIRESHOP]'s original price on the BFGs was $211, but at my prodding they lowered the price to $196 per tire, reducing the out-the-door cost to $967. And with Tire Kingtom's quote in hand my fingers danced across my cell phone's keypad, dialing the local Sears automotive shop. With [TIRESHOP]'s quote of $196 a tire, that means Sears will sell me the BFGs for $177... quite the score! Only... not so much. I misread the ad. They'll match any price and knock 10% off the difference, not the tire. What's the difference per tire? A whopping $7 -- for a grand total of $2.80 off the entire set of four. Uh, yeah. That was quite a shock. I was hoping to head back into [TIRESHOP] with a quote of $177 per tire from Sears and a 'match it or I'll go elsewhere' ultimatum but now I have no such weapon in my arsenal. Damn.

I sit under the Florida sun and think for a minute before heading back in to Jew (verb) some more money off the truck tires. "How much if we knock off the road hazard on the BFGs and use the coupon?" That knocks the bill down to $871. "C'mon! I'm buying two full sets of tires here, can you do a little better on that, maybe get it down to the $850 range?" "Nope, I can't." So now this guy is trying to Jew (verb: stingy, cheap, closed fisted) me out of an extra $20. Nah, I say, I'll pass. Now begins the waiting game during which I briefly consider putting Jew (adjective: inexpensive, low, low-cost, low-priced) tires on my truck. But it's here that the management of [TIRESHOP] exposed the kink in their armor. I overhear one of the managers complaining about how they have only sold nine tires so far that day. The Jew (adjective) part of me leaps on this opportunity, "I'd love to make it thirteen if you can work with a little more on some truck tires." The manager is intrigued and calls me over. I lay out both price quotes and as he looks them over. I explain that I'd be dropping over fifteen hundred dollars on two sets of tires. He punched the keys on the computer and comes back, "Really, $196 is the best we can do on the BFGs. That's almost at cost and we're only making money on the mounting and balancing." Probably not true, but that's the dance. See, this guy is willing to negotiate, and I like that!

We compare the two totals, as is; $1,565. I give a long slog, dramatic whistle looking down at the paperwork, "That's a big hunk of change. But let me ask you this. How about you add a road hazard warranty to both sets of tires, and I get out of here for an even $1,600 on the nose?" The manager wrinkles his nose a big and looks down at the paperwork and I can see some hesitation on his face. So I prod him onwards, "Because if you can do that, I'll take all eight tires today." See that number intrigues him; it nearly doubles his daily total in one sale! He turns his attention to the grease smeared computer with the yellow stained plastic keyboard that sits behind the counter, "So," he mumbled to himself, "I have to add $56 to each bill (bring the total to $1,681) and have to get the bill down to sixteen hundred..." More nose wrinkling, and even a rub of the stubble on his chin. "I honestly can't do any more on the BFGs, like I said I'm at the wall on those," he says to no one in particular, "but I think I can do a little better on the Sumitomos..." And after a few more minutes of keyboard play, I'm presented with a final bill of $1,604. The guy I was origionally dealing with looks over the managers shoulder and upon seeing the re-written deal, scoffs before turning away in defeat. I smirk. Rookie.

The Sumitomos are nice tires; a little firmer than the Michelins they replaced but still give exceptional road response. They've got less than ten miles on em, so no high speed corners yet. The BFGs get put on today (they had to order them from Ft Myers warehouse). I ended up Jew'ing (verb) $113 off the Sumitomos and $103 off the BFG's, plus got two full road hazard warranties for $20 each -- saving $288 all said and done. Eh not bad. But I'm sure Shlomo could have done better.

And to explain a little further about using Jew as an adjective, as in, "that's a cheap Jew tire...". Actually, it's an untrue reflection upon a Jew's true bargaining prowess. Listen, I got nothing but love for the Jews but you have to realize, these people are not to be trifled with! A Jew doesn't walk into a Walmart and expect to pay Walmart prices, a Jew walks into Ethan Allen and expects to pay Walmart prices -- and does! So in the truest sense of the word, my BFG's are a Jew tire because they're of the highest quality yet purchased at a lower price than the merchant was asking. But using the word in that sense doesn't sound very cool, or very funny. Hence, I have chosen to adopt the figurative definition instead of the literal one; inexpensive, low, low-cost, low-priced. Thus it would be appropriate (and quite funny!) for you to show up late for work and say to your boss, "Sorry I'm late but that Jew alarm clock I bought on clearance last week didn't go off this morning." Besides, everyone knows a true Jewish tire not only stops on a dime, but picks it up too!

Hopefully today's lesson will educate you to use this racial epithet more appropriately. So... Jew forth and be happy!

"I congratulate Ernie in winning our bet. Anyone who has ever tried to shed 10% of their body weight knows that its the challenge to the mind that is far greater than to the body. I hope you keep it going and hope anyone who has followed your progress will view your success as a motivating factor if they should decide to make a life change as well. And as for the bet.... a fishing trip with a cooler full of suds in April; all on me. See you then. Congrats." -CB

Starting day of bet: 10 November, 2008. Starting weight: 189 lbs. Ending day of bet: 15 January, 2009. Goal loss: 10% (19 lbs). Bet duration: 65 days. Target end weight: 170 lbs. Actual end weight: 167.5. Total weight loss: 21.5 lbs. Average loss per day: 0.33 lbs. How did I do it: The beer diet. Total calories lost: 75,250. Which equals out to: 33.4 large pizzas, 139.3 Big Macs, 39.2 half hallons of ice cream, 74.4 Five Gus burgers, 501.7 bottles of Sam Adams (20.9 cases), and 239.7 double Jack & Cokes. And somehow my scooter goes a little faster now, too. But enough about me, let's talk about you. What do you think of me?

twenty five of britains hottest women.

see, this is the kind of shit i was worried about.

spaghetti cat looks scared but keep eating that spaghetti.

porn-for-the-blind features two girls one cup (very nsfw .mp3 audio).


January 14, 2009

Sorry Shlomo, I'll Have To Catch You Tomorrow.

Ha ha ha, yeah, okay, everyone but my balls about ways to open beer bottles. Real nice.

Aw c'mon girls, know your role!

Hey more great news... Hollywood is completely out of ideas. The new Ralph Macchio will be played by Will Smith's kid, Jayden. Great.

Being a twin can either lead to wacky hijinks or completely suck. The 1988 movie "Twins", for example, is about a pair of unlikely twins accidentally created by scientists. Arnold Schwarzenegger is smart and muscle'y while Danny DeVito is a grossout lowlife. So I guess what I'm saying is being the "DeVito twin" would suck. But for a lot of celebrity siblings, that’s pretty much what they are. Here are the bottom 7 twins of celebrities. I wonder how Patricia Bundchen feels when her sister Gisele walks in with that assclown Tom Brady on her arm.

because the customer is not always right...

just because i can: a kitten vs an electric toothbrush.

knock, knock. who's there? emerson. emerson, who? emerson big tits!

if you can keep your lunch down long enough to make it past the french words...

the gallardo is used by the italian police to catch bad people. i use mine to catch a naughty girl named brandie.


January 13, 2009

The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round...

Well, it's almost time to put a new set of sneakers on my truck and I can't say that I'm looking forward to it. The existing set of meats have been on there since December of 2000 and have racked up 91,000 miles. That's quite an accomplishment for a light truck tire. In fact, I probably could have squeaked 100k out of them but the front right valve stem was leaking air for a month or so, causing one tire to wear surpsingly faster than the others. And since a chain is only as strong as its weaked link... yeah, it's new tire time. And as far as I'm concerned there's only one tire worth buy and that's a BF Goodrich All Terrain T/A KO. Costco seems to be coming in at the best price at $209 per tire (285/75-16) after mounting and balancing. Then of course the great state of Florida wants to add their 6%. Buying them online at tirerack isn't worth the effort, since the cost of shipping 240lbs or rubber far outweighs any price break I can find over a local shop. With 207,000 miles on the odometer, this is probably the last set of tires I'll ever put on this truck so I don't want to chintz out with some Jew tire. But yeah, it's times like this when I miss living close to tax free New Hampshire.

Okay, so... I'm at a Christmas party last month, getting my drink on, and then open my big fat mouth about how I can open a bottle of beer using only a piece of paper. I know, sounds crazy right, but seriously, it can be done and if you've ever used a lighter before you can see it's no big feat of magic. I've even done it before after first seeing that video many moons ago; only this time at the Christmas party I got fucking nothing. Everyone standing around, watching me tear up my knuckles and saying, "No really, it works," like some big fucking panty waste. So to see that fucking video again pisses me off. I tried opening a Corona bottle this time... are Modelo bottlecaps just easy top open?

I want peace between Israel and Gaza. In fact, I want peace right now, and I'm going to smash the shit out of stuff until I get it.

Have fun on your next Airbus A380 flight and keep this in mind when you're coming in for a landing. That ought to freak you out more than a Rickrolling Chuck Norris ninja.

Oh, and an update on Kube Kounter -- the current leader is Schwille, followed fairly closely by Mike who evidently needs a little more practice, practice, practice.

Warning! This link has bright flashing colors. Do not click if you are prone to seizures.. proceed. I admit, I watched it and waited to kind of freak out and spasm in my chair, but I guess I'm oka...nrrt... pffftytyww. l,sqwajdaksjskadfaskd fsdakljhsdfakjhsdfajk . Nrt.

the ten most stunning photo blogs.

slice off hunks of ice to save the little vikings.

olivia wilde looked horrible at the golden globes.

then i's like, "shit, is yo mutha's legs broken muthafucka?"

a complete family tree of the lolcats, starting with father happycat.

the twenty five hottest women in business. i call dibs on morgan webb.

this is how they dress for school in the netherlands. hint: it's totally awesome.


January 12, 2009

Go Ahead, Make My Weekend.

So I went and saw Gran Torino this weekend, and as expected it was motherfucking awesome. The theatre was at capacity for my Sunday matinee, so it's good know know ol Clint can still pack em in. I have never heard the phrase, "zipperhead," used so many times in one movie before. Sue, the Hmong girl: "C'mon over, we're having a barbeque." Clint: "Keep your hands off of my dog." But seriously, fantastic movie and really lives up to the hype. Without giving anything away, two important things about this movie. First, very early in the film, Clint Eastwood is coughing up blood; so you know he's not going to live to see the credits roll at the end, the only question is how. And two, very unlike previous Clint Eastwood films, such as The Unforgiven, he doesn't go out in a blaze of glory. But he doesn't go out in a hospital bed, either. You'll have to go see it for yourself to find out about the ending, because I'll never kiss and tell with an Eastwood film. I will say that it could have been a great ending to the Harry Callahan franchise, but the anti-Asian tone throughout the first half of the movie would have prevented that. Regardless, it's just an awesome fucking movie. If you haven't see it yet, you're only cheating yourself. Pure fucking brilliance.

Hello Ernie, long time reader first time emailer, you posted the David Lee Roth sound board and recording today. Well did you ever see the ytmnd take on it? Great job man keep up the good work! Ryan.

Ernie, I have been reading the site since stick figures could have an automated threesome. My friend was at Grant park when they announced Obama as the winner of the election. He was so happy to be part of the moment that he purchased a tee shirt for prosperity. When he got home, he read it a little more carfully. Remeber, "Change Happen." Erik

That's right, change be happenin soon. Obama's inaguration is in eight days, to be more precise. And you know that that means? That's right, gay marriage everywhere. I know, topless chicks and gay marriage isn't much of a Presidential legacy, but it'll have to do for now.

To whom it may concern, I would really hope that this picture would be taken off the site ASAP.......... it is WRONG to post this pic on a public site. I DO NOT CARE who sent it to you or anything............ just be advised that I am a local police lieutenant and want this picture off the site NOW. Thanks for your understanding, Lt. Chad Munsey

Hey that's a great idea, Chad. Listen, why don't you do me a favor. Take some time and look through all the photos I've got posted, and make a list of the ones you decide are offensive. Then once you've got that list, email it to to me at HeyChadGoFuckYourselfYourPompousMotherfucker@ehowa.com. Then what I'll do is write the EHOWA ftp password down on a piece of paper, eat that piece of paper, shit directly into an empty Jack Daniels bottle, and throw the bottle in the ocean. Once the bottle makes it way to your neck of the woods, you can use said password to remove the images yourself. In the meantime, please fell free to suck my ass the morning after I eat a piece of Southern fried pizza.

Hey Ernie, I saw your post about taking chance the HBO movie today and wanted to let you know that I agree with you about Kevin Bacon being a perfect choice for LtCol Strobl. I am currently stationed at I-I Staff Salt Lake City, UT and our unit had the honor of doing the funeral detail for LCpl Phelps. Since we were the original unit that handled the funeral, HBO contacted us when they were filming and asked if we would like to participate in the HBO movie. They ended up filming the burial scene in Montana and paid for us to come out there and stay in a hotel for two nights while we were filming. I got a chance to meet Kevin Bacon and Tom Wopat from the Dukes of Hazzard, who plays Chance Phelps' father. They were some of the nicest people I have come into contact with. Kevin Bacon did an awesome job and HBO insisted that there was a Marine representative present at all times of the filming to ensure that it adhered to what would actually happen. I think this movie will be worth watching when I comes out. Sgt Bundy USMC

You know, somehow I feel morbid about looking forward to a movie about a dead soldier. But I am. I'm not sure what to think of that. And again, Kevin Bacon. Wow, bang up choice.

Okay, for those of you seeking a little excitement in your life, I have the next game challenge all picked out. You'll have to kind of let yoru eyes drift out for this brain teaser, as you must count cubes very quickly in Kube Kounter. How many cubes do you have to count? Well, there are ten levels, and you rack up more points the faster you answer.

clint eastwood photos spanning his career.

fifteen reasons why Mr. Rogers was best neighbor ever.

hello. my name is inigo montoya. you killed my father. prepare to die.


January 10, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

this is one crazy bitch.

nikki cox. old and busted. case in point.

this fits in nicely - what if god were a monkey?

jodie marsh chose a rather, ahem, interesting birthday outfit.

how much jizz in your average a motel 6 room? ...who comes in a sink?

percentage of people who claim to have no religion - statistics by country.

coconuthamster - coltonspellcheck - prayervshardwork - shelovesblow - talkshitgethit - tightblacksweater


January 9, 2009

And He's Is Going To Need A Rocket Up His Ass To Catch That One.

Stuck in a strange city by bad weather, the drinker was bored. He sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender and said, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . . . " The bartender interrupted, "Stop -- I *don't* permit talk about politics in my bar!" A few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about the Pope . . . " Again, the bartender cut in, "No religion talk, either." "Look, how about sex. Can I talk sex?" The bartender thought for a second and replied, "Sure." "Good," said the man, "then fuck you.

Religion and politics. I hate talking about them both. But I suppose I opened the door with this atheist thing, so it's all on me now...

...Those of us who do give a shit, however, still don't believe in any G/gods, but we do acknowledge that other people believe in G/gods and while I can't speak for any others, I can explain why I give a shit. I acknowledge that there is no god and there is no soul and as such, chances are there will not be an afterlife. All I have left to care about is myself and the world I leave behind after I die and the hope that my meager contribution will make it a better place for those that come later. I also acknowledge that the addition of "under God" to the Pledge of Allegiance, and the alteration of the country motto from "E Pluribus Unum" to "In God We Trust" are definitely unconstitutional and as such, should be challenged. I don't give as much of a shit about the prayer at the White House since Obama is, for all appearances, a Christian of some sort and in this instance he should be able to have his prayer. In all honesty it doesn't make a President any more successful than placing a hand on a bible makes a person any more honest in court. Its like any other good luck ritual. Just like a major league sports star that eats chicken before each game or a soldier scared of losing his life while entrenched in a foxhole. The higher the risk, the greater the chance for superstition. Personally, I'd like to see a President rise about this supersitious nonsense, but unfortunately nonsense still sells in this country (how many corporations have told you you'll get laid or be more manly if you use their products). Now if I were elected, I'd want a huge pagan ritual orgy with bonfires and goat sacrifices on the White House lawn for 24 hours after the innaguration just to piss off the bible-humpers. Geoff

Dude, in regards to placing your hand on the Bible for taking oaths, I couldn't agree with you more. Plus you get bonus points for the Major League II reference!

First up, I fully appreciate that it's no big deal for you to go through the motions swearing oaths to a god you don't believe in, but some would consider that hypocrisy. I'm not calling you a hypocrite, just pointing out why others (myself included) wouldn't do the same. Second, the term athiest literally means 'without religion', and in my opinion is not an appropriate term for the people you are referring to (I'm not associated with any of them, btw). Personally I prefer the term antitheist, or antideist. It's not that I don't believe in god or have a religion, but that I believe that there isn't a god, and am opposed to religion. Religion poisons everything and always has. The news and history books are packed with evidence to support his proposition - a damned site more evidence than you'll ever find to support this 'god' malarky. Shit, even the Talmud, Bible and Koran*** on their own contain all you need to read to determine it's all garbage. Anyone claiming deep religious convictions is a liar or mentally unbalanced. Possibly both. Some people feel quite strongly about this (myself included), and to be honest it's disturbing and infuriating to see how deeply the christian faith permeates American government, despite the constitutional separation of church and state. If you really believe in freedom of religious belief (and don't get me wrong, I do - you can believe whatever you want, just keep it the fuck away from me), Obama should be sworn in with due reverence to all faiths (including athiests and antitheists), or none of them. While the lawsuits may seem to you like the misuided ramblings of a closet jesus freak, they are actually a passionate defence of the first amendment. For practitioners of ALL faiths to be equally protected by the constitution, ALL religious observance needs to be removed from the ceremony and practice of government. Stu

Uhhhh, actually, the word atheist is defined by the OED as the disbelief in, or denial of, the existence of a God. The word comes from Greek roots, although English seems to have gotten the word from French. Atheist is different from agnostic, that also has Greek roots. The literal translation of agnostic is "unknowing" "unknown" or "unknowable." So that an agnostic is making no pronouncement one way or the other, while an atheist is making a definite pronouncement; that they believe there is no God. The Greek root words support this with a literal meaning of "without god" or “denying god.” It's also one of those that defies the, "I before E except after C," rule. And to lay out such blanket statements as, "Religion poisons everything and always has," and, "Anyone claiming deep religious convictions is a liar or mentally unbalanced. Possibly both." Well you sound like an unbelievable jerk, Stu. In fact, I don't see any difference between you and this idiot. So go I'm going to have to go ahead and ask you to leave the store.

...But as a parent, I find myself more defensive about what my kids are asked to do, or forced to do in some situations. Now, I don't have a problem with the pledge (as it's more about respecting flag and country) and what's written on my money ('cuz I don't normally read it past the denomination -- yeah, I'm a mark to be taken by a counterfeiter but it's not happened yet), but if you insist that my children take part in a group prayer that isn't part of something else but a prayer in something like a public school setting... well, I've not filed any suits yet but I admit I'm tempted to. I'm an adult and able to make up my own fucking mind about what/who to worship, but a five year old? I can't entirely blame the atheists who've decided to take action on this one, even at the same time I see where you're coming from too. topher

Whoa, whoa now. We're talking a horse of a different color. How do I feel about prayer in public schools? I think it's bullshit and there's no place for it. In fact, anytime anyone suggests prayer should be allowed in public schools, I always immediately agree with them, and then say, "Now kneel down, face Mecca and say 'There is no God but Allah and Mohammed is His Prophet.' And I immediately get this, "Whoa! Whoa!" face looking back at me with wide eyed. Well, why is that so shocking -- it's exactly what you're asking for. Because you can't just respect Christianity; you have to respect the beliefs all faiths. That means you have to stop teaching twice a day to allow the Muslim students to pray Salat-ul-Zuhr (after midday) and Salat-ul-Asr (mid-afternoon) since you can't carry on the lesson plan without them. Oh, and no students -- regardless of their beliefs -- are allowed to bring meat for lunch on Friday, because you will offend the Christian kids. No more cheeseburgers, that'll offend the Hindu kids. How about some scholastic sports? Better plan not plan any games for Saturday, because Jewish kids must observe Shabbat which means they can't drive anywhere (internal combustion engines constitute igniting a fire). And let's not even talk about trying to get the Buddhist kids to play dodgeball. So how do you stop the can of worms from getting started? Easy, don't go down that slippery slope; no prayer in public schools.

Now having said that, if a couple of kids want to meet up before class, find a quiet spot and say a prayer together then I don't have any problem with that, and I can't imagine anyone else would either. Religion has its purpose and a lot of good people take comfort in their beliefs. And just so long as you're not trying to impose those believe on me; either by strapping explosives to yourself or trying to manipulate our laws, then I don't have a problem with that either. And in case you're wondering, yes I think the Mormon Church should lose their tax exempt status for their little stunt with Proposition 8 in California.

To quote the Declaration of Independence, "When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. [Read more...]. Now let's look at the First Amendment, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof..." [Read more...]. Now the way I interpret that is neither document says it's unconstituional for the government to acknowledge religion exists, is saying it's unconstituional for the government to endorse one religion over another. I suppose one might argue that atheism, it's belief being there is no God, is in essence a de facto religion and therefore any and all references to any God in a government forum are discriminatory simply by their very existence. Ehhhhh, I suppose I could see some validity in that argument. But I just don't see it as enough to get your panties all in a bunch.

Lawsuits to have "In God We Trust" removed from a quarter are silly because... what's the point? An argument just to argue? What do you hope to accomplish? Let's say for a second that you file these lawsuits, spends millions of dollars on attorneys and waste everyones time by tying up the court systems for years... and then win! New money is printed sans the 'In God We Trust' -- great, now just what the fuck have you accomplished? Answer: nothing. How have things changed? Answer: they haven't. Atheists would still use money just like they do now. I've never had a shopkeeper cringe when I handed them a dollar, versus one handed to them by someone wearing a cross. As atheists can already hold public office, so what's the point of wasting all the time, energy and money to have "...so help me God" removed from the inauguration. Now if you told me that I couldn't be vote, or hold public office, or testify in court because I don't believe in God, now that's a fight I can get behind. Otherwise, don't waste my time because I have more important things to do, like look at Vikki's beautiful tits.

alicia witt sinks to a new low. sorta nsfw.

his week's choice: stacy stath of her porsche carrera gt.

the answer to your burning questions: can a lightsaber cut through superman?

the MOST AWESOME tshirt ever. hangovers: god's way of saying "you kicked ass last night"


January 8, 2009

WHOA! STOP THE PRESSES!

Today I had this big post revisiting atheism and the govermnet prepared, including some great reader fedback, my replies to said feedback and such. But that is so on hold until tomorrow. Congratulations Fred, you stopped me in my tracks...

On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd say this is about a 387. But first I draw your attention back to a very powerful yet sad story I first got my hands on back in April of 2004, entitled Taking Chance. Read it. It's a real tearjerker, I know. SO this morning, when I read this email I almost shit myself...

Ernie. Here's a link to a wonderful but sad story about a USMC LtCol escorting the remains of a young marine home....was made into an HBO movie due out next month. Read the story ...it's linked in the movie article... oughta get the word out on this one. -- Fred

The fact that they're making this story into a movie is awesome, but that's not the really awesome part. it gets better. Wait until you see who is cast in the role of LtCol Strobl. Now THAT is fucking awesome. An absolutely PERFECT choice -- he even salutes correctly which seems to be a huge challenge for movie stars. So now I'm left with the horribly conflisting emotions of really looking forward to this movie, and dreading it all at the same time. I've vowed never watch Flight 93 or World Trade Center, just because somehow I don't feel it's right. But I just might make an exception for Taking Chance.

Pruno, a prison wine created from fruit, sugar and ketchup, is such a vile and despicable beast, that in the California state penal system prisoners can't eat fresh fruit at lunch.

from boston.com - more scenes from gaza.

mercury launches a new line of cars! (from SNL skit)

six things you didn't know about nineteen different states.

tiny fey is freaky in the bedroom, but doesn't take it in the ass.

which ceos have been naughty or nice according to their employees?

PART TWO of the awesome 'jones big ass truck rental and storage' commercials

pussy whipped john mayer thanks jennifer for taking him back in love song. as brad chuckles on.


January 7, 2009

Oh, You've Caught Me At a Bad Time.

Hey Todd, I hope you caught the black chick that I thumbnailed yesterday. And for you guys who get into Asian chicks, here's Zhang Ziyi topless at the beach. if the name doesn't ring a bell, she's the young chick from Crouching Toger, Hidden Dragon or as I'll always remember her, the viillan chick from Rush Hour 2.

Hey Iain, this one is for you, baby!

Here's a great quote from Million Dollar Baby, by Morgan Freeman/Eddie 'Scrap-Iron' Dupris: "The body knows what fighters don't: how to protect itself. A neck can only twist so far. Twist it just a hair more and the body says, "Hey, I'll take it from here because you obviously don't know what you're doing... Lie down now, rest, and we'll talk about this when you regain your senses." It's called the knockout mechanism."

Ernie, As a loyal reader of your site, I finally felt it important to contribute. Before you blow it off, be sure to watch from start to finish. Yes, I know it’s a long video, but it isn’t only the porn that is worthy of mentioning. Listen to the dialog, ALL of the dialog. It is fucking GOLD! Hope you enjoy. Cheers, Brian

Hey, Ernie - Great site. Here is a link to a project I just finished up - a Robotic Bar that drives around the party serving drinks. Chicks and guys both dig him. Here is a link to "how I built it" and some video of it in action. I hope you enjoy it! jamie price

Hey Ernie, just read Don from Portland’s email from Jan 2 (yeah, I’m running a little behind) and remembered that I had something to send you. When I read your original post regarding 5 Guys Burgers, I went to their website to see if there was one close to me (Austin) or at least coming. It only showed there was one in Dallas, so I made a mental note to be sure and look it up next time I was in Big D. Then a few days ago, I heard on the radio that one just opened up here by the UT campus so I had to go try it out last Saturday. It was everything you claimed it was – and better! Phenomenal burgers! Thanks for the recommendation. Kevin.

Kevin, YOU FUCKING PUSSY! That burger is naked! Where is the relish, the raw onions, the pickles, the ketchup, the mustard, the jalapeno peppers, the A-1 sauce, and the hot sauce?!?!?!?

Hi Ernie. I know I don't contribute a lot ... while reading your site today.. it brought a question to mind that you might have a simple answer for. quite often,, but not always,, when I open http://www.ehowa.com/ all the pictures turn to red X's I have found that if I click on a link in your blog that is part of http://www.ehowa.com/ like http://images.ehowa.com/phonecam/20081228183329.jpg , instead of that link opening with the translucent black background.. it will re-open the home page http://www.ehowa.com/ and all the red x's turn into the pictures. I run a laptop with MSIE 6.0 on windows2000pro sp4 .. I have thought of using firefox. are you aware of an issue like this? Jamie

In the event the picture is not found (404 error) or in case someone tries to hot link my images, the redirect happens. It also happens if in some unique situations if you have your browser/firewall misconfigured. Here are some quick thoughts. And for the sake of an example, we'll use the most recent cameraphone picture to test things out. If youy click on that link and like you said, no translucent background and just redirected to the main page, then try accessing it this way. if it fails there, you at least won't be redirected to the main page, and you should see a genuine red-x. Then try the suggestions under, "don't see the picture below? click here for help".

Someone put together this list of the 'Top 20 Celebrity Babes with Mouth Watering Cleavage' and I have to call bullshit on some of them. How can you include Tila Tequila but not Jessica Biel? And while Nikki Cox used to look hot, now she's all old and busted with freaky features, so how can you rank her above Scarlett Johansson? It's madness, I tell ya.

Okay, you have to choose: Do you want Samantha Summers or the Ferrari Modena 360 that she's posing with? Choose!

just fast forward to the one minute mark, trust me.

the top six new years resolutions you’ve already failed at.

one hundred and one movie one-liners that everyone should know.

i could see myself paying $3,000 for katie holmes. the younger dawsons creek katie holmes, of course.

i scored 100% in this logic test. 100% is the highest possible score. therefore you can not be more logical than i am.


January 6, 2009

No, Not Really.

Yesterday, my laptop was stolen from my truck while I was at Wally World. Lucky for me, there was a surveillance camera mounted on the wall near where I parked, and security personnel were able to give me a pretty good image of the suspect. Now the police have asked me to circulate the picture to people I know, to see if they know or have any idea who the suspect is. Looks familiar to me but I immediately thought of you for help and would appreciate your opinion on this. If you recognize the suspect, please let me know. I am not really interested in my laptop anymore, as it is insured, but I would really like to get my hands on the person who stole it.

Remember this voice track of Diamond Dave singing Runnin With The Devil from a few months back? Well here's the Diamond Dave singing Runnin With The Devil soundboard. Pure awesomeness and it's available 24 hours.

Saw your recent phone cam pics, and I just have to ask... wtf is this!?! Love the site ~Nate

That my friend, is heaven in a to-go container; a Garbage Plate from Nick Tahoe's in Rochester, NY. Truth be told, my brother was eating it, I just posted the picture the rotten bastard sent to make me jealous. If you're ever in Rochester -- God know why you would and you'd have my condolences if you were -- but if you ever are, you simply MUST have a Garbage Plate. Two cheeseburgers with everything (they're at the top of the pic) over home fries, and baked beans (although I prefer maccaroni salad over the beans). All served up with two big hunks of prison bread you can damn near chip a tooth on. Mmm-mmmm tasty!

A photo essay on marriage. Here's a hint; it starts like this but after a few years always ends like this.

pretty awesome. turn any picture into tilt-shift photography.

so i found out yesterday that the soundstage for "the wire" still existed...

base jumping. on skis. that get ripped off. flying with a wingsuit. good clean fun.

hey fatass, here are twenty things you didn't know about fat, mr fatty mcfatterton.


January 5, 2009

Well, I Think....

I think it's none of my fucking business how Jett Travolta died, and unless your last name is Travolta or Preston, it's none of your fucking business either. And if Scientology's views on psychology did or did not play any part in Jett's treatment, is again, none of my fucking business. I like John Travolta, I don't care who or what (if anything) he prays to as a Supreme being, so you know what ... I'm sorry for his loss. Which is weird for me because normally I don't give a shit about what celebrity's kids die. But let these folks mourn in peace.

I believe this is a truly heartwarming story of a girl and her first bunny.

I think the so called atheists who file lawsuits such as this and this aren't really atheists at all. You know why? Because true atheists don't give a shit; it's just a bunch of meaningless words to us. I've never had any problem saying the Pledge of Allegiance, "...one nation under God...", the Oath of Enlistment, "... so help me God", or spending my hard earned cash, "In God We Trust". Because I don't fucking care; as far as I'm concerned I'd be just as happy taking an oath to a turnip and swearing on a stack of blue socks. I have no problem saying, "Smite me, Oh Mighty Smiter," without fear of trtribution. Because real atheists don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. And the only reason why anyone would sue to have "God" removed from any public forum, is because secretly deep down, they really do believe in God and are just afraid to admit it.

I think that labeling the current military action between Israel/Hamas as a "conflict" would be like calling a baseball game between the Boston Red Sox and Sal's Pizza Little League Team a "friendly game." Israel is kicking the living shit out of Gaza, so it's anything but a fair fight. Having said that, Egypt knows better than to stick its fucking nose in the middle of it, because they know Israel will be glad to kick their ass too. And if the Palestinians want to garnish a little sympathy from the world at large, they may want to quit using ambulances as troop carriers because the Israelis have a different method in mind for achieving peace. But even if they didn't, there's no end in sight. I refer you to this article that I wrote back in the late summer of 2001 after my first trip to Tel Aviv -- seven years later and it's still spot on. You know why? Because nothing ever changes there. Both sides are fucking crazy.

I believe no matter what you say, tilt-shift stop motion photography is pretty fucking cool. Whether you make tiny little movies, stage tiny little deaths, or have tiny little workers hack up food. It's just fucking cool, man.

Hey Ernie, McAfee site advisor rates your site as a risk because of links to "When we tested this site we found links to freeezinebucks.com, which we found breaches browser security on our test PC." (taken from) Just thought that you'd want to know. (PS, love the site!) --Buz...

I think that's just another reason to root for Webroot's software to protect your computer. Norton anti-virus just slows your fucking computer down to a crawl, McAfee used to be great back in the day, but they never keep their shit updated. I haven't linked to freeezinebucks in over three years and even went so far as to remove all the old links from the archives. Here, see for yourself. I've tried bringing this to the attention of the McAfee folks three or four times in an effort to set things right, but not once have I received a single reply or acknowledgement. And it looks like I'm not the only one -- as McAfee Site Advisor has received criticism for incorrectly flagging web sites with a caution or warning label. So I say fuck McAfee and go Webroot. Thanks Ben!

I think I'll start the long -- and somehow sad -- task of taking my Christmas tree down today. Slowly, this time.

a look back at some of the best tits in 2008. sfw.

the 2008 freightliner 32 passenger limousine / party bus.

fred syversen and his 107 meter unintentional world record cliff jump.

...when the blue lights blinded my eyes from my rear-view mirror. damn, i've just been pulled over...


January 3, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

top 500 worst passwords of all time.

twenty weird logos that work and why they do

nova chain - a game very reminiscent of the 'boomshine' chain reaction challenge.

eyesontennisballs - freakyfatcat - homedepothoes - sohowwasyournewyears - theybothlovethecock

the object of the game is to spin in your chair until you fall off then drink a cup of your favorite beverage.



January 2, 2009

So This Is What 2009 Feels Like.

Wow. This is it. My first post of 2009. What to say, what to say.

Listen, I'd love to give you this big speech on how awesome 2009 is so far, but the truth is I'm still dragging my ass from the New Years Eve festivities. Sure, Jack Daniels is all buddy-buddy the night of, but the next morning he's not so fucking friendly, I'll tell you that. And so I'm going to turn the floor over to you folks, with some reader email I've had backed up for a little while. Enjoy listening to yourselves!

Ernie, I have visited your site off and on for several years and want to say great job and keep up the good work. Seeing Nick's "Call before you dig" pictures reminded me of some pictures I had from work. I too work for a telephone/internet company. Here are some pictures of one of our fiber optic cables. It seems delivery truck driver snagged it and pulled it off the pole. The best part was it laid in the parking lot for a few weeks before the splice case was eventually hit by a car and spilled its guts. Needless to say this made for a bad day. Enjoy! Josh

Hi Ernie, Not sure if you caught The Kennedy Center Honors on Tuesday night, but two of the Honorees were Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend. After the 9/11 attacks The Who played at the Concert for New York. That concert was a tribute to the first responders, whose spirit had risen as pure, selfless good in the face of monstrous evil. Lore has it Townshend and Daltrey were so inspired they resolved their differences and played the concert. Needless to say The Who stole the show. So, when time came to honor Daltrey and Townshend, the Kennedy Center secretly invited first responders of New York's Finest and New York's Bravest to perform for The Who, just as The Who had once performed for them. (of course no one knew they would be there, especially Daltrey and Townshend) Here's the clip of the whole tribute. The last song is Rob Thomas's version of "Baba O'Riley" accompanied by 90 members of the Port Authority Police and the NYPD along with 30 members of the FDNY, singing "Teenage wasteland, it's only teenage wasteland,"....Too Cool! Take Care & Happy New Year. Geo

Ernie: The tone-deaf idiot who sent the “Barack the Magic Negro” CD, Chip Saltsman, is a dead ringer for Quagmire. (PS: no black people are *ever* named “Chip.”) Love the site as always, glad to have helped a little for LBEH, thanks for doing both. -- best, Howard

Hi Ernie, recently 5 Guys burgers setup their first store here in Portland, OR (up at the other end of town) and on your recommendation I tried it out. Sweet Jesus titty fucking Christ they make a good burger. This morning the wife tells me that I need to check out the new strip mall that is going up right down the street and what do see? (see attached) It's walking distance to my house but not far enough away to burn off all the calories I'm going to intake eating in there. I'll be a fat fuck by this time next year. -Don

Here Don, don't say I never did anything for you.

Hi Ernie, Love the site, it is always good for a laugh or provocation. You seem an intelligent, reasonable guy, so I thought I could ask about the concealed carry issue without instant flaming. You see, I am an Aussie. We just don't have the gun culture here that exists in the USA. I am not opposed to people owning and responsibly using firearms. It isn't for me, but nor is it my place to stop others. I am curious why you feel the need to have a concealed pistol for every day life, though. Do you carry it all the time? Is it just for Sunday best? Or do you only carry it when you see a likely need, such as wandering a bad neighbourhood at night? Maybe it is more than that, asserting the right just to maintain the right? I'd love to hear your thoughts, Iain

A clear, well thought out question with genuine curiosity behind it.... why would I flame you? Geez, I'm not a monster ya know.

A gun culture here in the USA? Let me think about that for a minute. A gun culture? Yeah, yeah I guess you could say that's true. We fought for our freedom using guns. Guns ended slavery. Guns conquered the Wild West. Guns are the reason Japan didn't try into invade the main land in World War II. And now some three hundred years after all that started, some Americans such as myself consider a handgun part of their daily attire. So while at I first I wanted to say I didn't think it was true, yeah I guess we are a gun culture after all. As for when I don't carry? Well, with the addition of the Kel-Tec I can tell you that those times are getting fewer and further between. But in addition to the places where I'm prohibited from doing so, I'll add this. I leave my fucking guns at home when I know I'm going to get my drink on.

Why I carry. If I said that among my many reasons for carrying, "because I can," wasn't on the list somewhere, then I would most certainly be lying to you. That's not to say it's my only reason -- or even in the top ten -- but yes it's there. I do believe it's my right and like many things, can melt away when not exercised regularly. But my first and foremost reason is quite simply put, for insurance. Have you ever been mugged before? I haven't. I hope not to. But so did thousands of other people who weren't so lucky. All of the pro-gun literature I've read markets carrying a concealed weapon much like an insurance policy; you hope you never need it but it's there if you do. Another clever catch phrase is, "When seconds count, the police are only minutes away." That may be over dramaticizing it a little, but you can't argue with the fundamental truth of it.

Bad neighborhoods. I don't know if it made the news down there in Oz, but this past Christmas a guy went fucking nuts and after dressing as Santa Claus went on a shooting spree that left his ex-wife and eight of her friends and family members dead. These poor fuckers who had absolutely nothing to do with this guy's marriage, just showed up to a party to share some eggnog and give away a blender, and end up getting their chips cashed in by some lunatic. I mean how many of those people extected a gunman to show up at their Christmas party? And you know what really freaked me out? I had just been to a few Christmas parties myself -- I mean who hasn't, tis the season and all that. But that got me to wondering; how many people at the party were divorced? Or getting divorced? Or were helping a friend through a divorce? And of course you have to stop your imagination from getting the best of you, because you don't want to turn into the suspicious asshole seeing danger behind every turn. I guess it's all about playing the odds and where you draw the line between paranoia and preparation. That might sound crazy but for those unlucky nine people in California, the paranoia became the reality.

And so much like the fire extinguisher I carry in my truck, and the flood insurance I have on my house, and the motorcycle helmet I squeeze onto my big fucking head, my two handguns join the legion of Things-I-Hope-I'll-Never-Need-But-Have-If-I-Do. So if I'm ever at a Christmas party and Santa shows up to spead a little more than just good cheer, or if someone decides my wallet would look better in his back pocket than mine, it's my hope that you won't be reading about me being described as, "victim number nine."

Huh, whaddya know, I typed an update after all. And as for Where on Earth, which was the final game challenge of 2008. I'm sorry to say that you were close Tim, but in the end it was Brett who nudged you out.

2008 in pictures, by ze' germans!

hey rusty, it looks like you're not alone.

cannonball run europe - load up. it's time to rally.

robbie maddison's 2008 new year's eve las vegas jump in high definition.

best movie mistakes of 2008. besides going to see indiana jones to begin with.


MOST RECENT
Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Holy Shit Snacks, Am I ready For This Weekend...

After Eighteen Days of Hot Snakes, I Had My F...

Once Again, My House is Mine....

Second PICC Line Bandage Change Today: 18 Dos...

... more ...

BOTTOM FEEDER

USERS ONLINE

All original material ©1997-2017 EHOWA.COM/ERNIESHOUSEOFWHOOPASS.COM - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
all other materials are property of their respective owners!