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April 30, 2008

Some Zombies Just Don't Respect The Rules.

"The prime spot to start is always claimed by the dominant female, or if the male is there, he takes the prime spot. The prime spot is not what you might think -- it is the rectum. Believe it or not, the king of beasts starts his dinner by carefully licking the rectum clean. Since the buffalo defecates while dying this is a bit messy..." Read the rest below in one of the thumbnail links. I'll let you guess which one, and no it doesn't have anything to do with zombies. Although, let's be honest, if it did, that would be cool.

I tell you what - for being 42 years old? Elizabeth Hurley is a Cougarama! What's the name of the dumbass who didn't want to admit fathering her baby? Fuck man, I'd admit it, just so people would think I did her.

The reason I’m writing is to give you the scoop about a recent film project I helped out with – Unicycle Bastards Kick Zombie Ass. It’s a follow on project to Unicycle Bastards Invade Portland. This is the second time in two years that our film has been featured in a local film festival called Filmed by Bike. Go ahead and make all the bicycle-riding, tofu-farting, liberal-commie references you want; chicks who ride bikes possess delicious asses. Anyway – check it out when you get a minute. If you want to see more go to unicyclebastards.com. I’m AR and am currently dating DS. Hope all is well dude. I’m still loving the site. Ross

Wow, first we had zombies holding phones. Then carrying meat cleavers. So I suppose uinicycles were the next logical step, right? I can't wait to see what they use in the next zombie remake, Escape of the Living Dead, coming out next year. It's getting tougher and tougher for us humans to fight back against the zombie outbreaks. My next weapon of choice? That's right. A rocket propelled chainsaw. Oh yeah. Oh, and if you marry DS, let me know, I want to take the pre-wedding photos.

And before I go, here's a touching photo proving that dogs truly are man's best friend. Yes, even the Irish wolfhounds, although they're not too friendly on Sunday mornings.

finally, an act of sportsmanship we can all point to and say, "that's how the game is supposed to be played".

huh. so that's why the f-117 was retired so early into it's service life. kind of makes sense now.


April 29, 2008

Got Five Minutes You Can Spare?

Four men and four women are shipwrecked on a desert island. Eventually each one falls in love with one another, and is himself loved by one person. John falls in love with a girl who is in love with Jim. Arthur loves a girl who loves the man who loves Ellen. Mary is loved by the man who is loved by the girl who is loved by Bruce. Gloria hates Bruce and is hated by the man whom Hazel loves. Question: Who loves Arthur? Answer below...

Hi Ernie its me Jeff, the guy who sent you the pictures of the possum in the dead deer a couple years ago. Well Mr. Asshole visited my house tonight and was making a ruckus so I thought of you. Jeff.

Saw that you were doing a post on Johnny Depp and thought you would like this. From the local papers, Johnny Depp left a $1500 tip while out to dinner. TJ

Greetings Ernie, I saw this one parked in front of the shop where I work. The guy who did it was a real hoot, too, but I didn't get his pic. He says he's doing a new car "even better". Also note he's a Yankees fan. Erick

Ernie, I know the question is yes, because I served, but maybe you can post this and let people make their own decisions; I love the politicians who "Support our Troops". - Mike

Take five minutes out of your day -- how to contact your Senator and how to contact your Congressman.

Oh, and Gloris loves Arthur.

fuckyoujapan - nowthatsamagazine - tubgirlcake - whereisherhandgoing

11 year old boy writes to several serial killers looking for school advice. man, charles manson is FUCKED UP.

FINAL WARNING: even if you are an adult, the following video could be offensive of seriously affect your sensibility. NEFCTSFW


April 28, 2008

I Eat Fat Cocks.

We crushed the X-Men in the first game. Crushed. Destroyed. Demolished. Everyone on my team beat their average by at least ten pins, and yours truly was the star of the show with a 225 -- that's 55 pins over my average. Yes, the Surfside Cadillacs beat their opponents by 113 pins in that first game. That ass whipping secured us two points for the win, and unless we royally fuck up, puts in a very comfortable place for the extra point for most pins. So even if we lose the next two games of the series, as long as we don't give up that 113 pin lead, who cares -- we'd finiish with 137 points to their 136, and keep our 5th place finish. Yeah, after that first game we were on East street. Just protect that lead, baby! East street! That is until I decided to start sucking cocks out in the parking lot. Because with these huge cocks in my face, I couldn't see where I was bowling and rolled a 154 in the second game. That's 30 pins below my average. Awesome. We lost by 60 pins. But that's okay, right? We just went into that second game a little too cocky, that's all. We still have a cushion, so as long as we get out shit together and don't lose the third and last game by 53 pins, we're can still come out on top. Just protect that pin lead and disaster averted, right? Well, I managed to get all of these fat cocks out of my mouth, but just long enough to insert them in my ass... I rolled a 170. And how did that work out for us? Did we manage to protect our 53 pin lead? We lost the third game by.... 60 pins. So in the end, Won-2, Lost-5... which dropped us one spot to finish in 6th place. Potentially 7th place, actually, depending on how 'Group Therapy' did... we were so disgusted at our poor performance that we didn't even hang around to see how they finished up. So there you have it. My name is Ernie and I'm a choker and I eat fat cocks.

Ernie, Today was SSG Matt Maupin’s funeral. He was an Army Reserve Soldier who was captured in April of 2004 and his remains were found this past March. His family held out hope that he was still alive for those four years. The funeral was held at Great American Ballpark in Cincinnati. I snapped these photos. Although they did not come out real great (because my camera sucks) I thought you would post them on your website. -Mike

Hey Ern, I'm a long-time reader of your newsletter and a big fan. Thought I'd contribute something since I finally have the chance. I know your thing is Zombie movies, but I'm from Oshkosh, Wisconsin, and this week Johnny Depp, Christian Bale and director Michael Mann (among others) are in town filming the new movie "Public Enemies", which is the story of the John Dillinger gang way back in the 1930's. Apparently we have an old-looking town. The movie is expected to be released sometime in 2009. This is one of the biggest things to happen to our sleepy town in quite awhile. Anyway, I've attached a few pics. I'm going to try to get some video tomorrow, which I'll send along if I get any, otherwise there's a ton to be found on youTube....just do a search of Oshkosh Depp. Enjoy, and keep up the great work!

You know, with all the sites out there dedicated to celebs behaving badly, I have to admit I've always liked Johnny Depp. Not only because I think he's a very talented actor, but because I've yet to hear a single report of him letting his stardom go to his head. In fact, quite the opposite can be said of him, and that's a rare quality in today's "hurray for me and screw you" world. So hey good for him. Anyway. So long Matt, we hardly knew ye.

the most awesome zombie game ever was LAST STAND. well, now we have the LAST STAND 2

how racist are you? would you shoot a brotha down before a cracka?

ten things not to do if you get arrested. how about a #0, which is "don't get arrested in the first place."


April 26, 2008

Insert Your Favorite Won-2-Lost-5 Godammit Joke Here.

breakup lesson # 1 - don't fuck with someone who has naked pics of you.

angrybreakfast - avoteforwhite - ihatethiskidsomuch - iloveassmilk - sexiscomingsoon

you fire up your wireless card, but the signal just is to weak. what are you going to do? enter “the predator”.


April 25, 2008

Pain Heals. Chicks Dig Scars. Glory Lasts Forever.

Tonight is it. The final night of bowling. The culmination of an epic thirty-six week long battle. Our first finale, as a matter of fact; since none of us have ever bowled on a league before. We're in fifth place going into tonight's finale and it's a position round. That means 1st place bowls 2nd place, 3rd place bowls 4th place, etc. Our opponent is a team called the X-Men; although they should have called themselves Sandbaggers-R-Us. It's my theory they fucked around and bowled well below their average for the first half of the season so they could build up good handicaps. I say this because their anchor bowled a perfect 300 a few weeks ago despite having a 194 average, and their lead off guy bowled a 279 -- which believe it or not is only one pin from a perfect game.

For those of you not bowling savvy, match scoring works like this. For each game you win, it's 2 points. There are three games to a match. And whichever teams scores the most pins overall, gets an extra point. Thus if you completely dominate the other team, you can, "Win 7, lose 0." Perhaps you win two games, but lose the third -- "Win 5, lose 2." And yes, much like that electorial college vs popular vote thing, you can win two games but get your ass kicked so bad on the third that you that lose point too -- "Win 4, lose 3."

So if we burn the X-Men down and The Widgets have a bad night -- they're 3 points and one position ahead of us -- we can overtake them and finish in fourth place. That'll be a pretty perfect ending, eh? Yet if we get wrecked, it can drop us as low as seventh depending on how the teams below us do. And of course we can end up anywhere in the middle. So this is it. The last lap. The final showdown. The final ride. The last act. The fat is warming up and all my balls are polished. Oh, and my bowling ball, too. So by this time tomorrow I will either be a champion; having crushed my enemies, seen them driven before me, and to heard the lamentation of their women. Or, a loser crying in my beer like Billy Zane after being dumped by one of the hottest women on the planet. Only time will tell what the Fates have in store for the Surfside Cadillacs. Wish me luck, bitchs!

Ernie, I was in Key West this weekend and they had their Drag Races. Not sure if you heard of them, but transvestites dress up and race in "Drag." They have to wear heals 3" or higher (more points for higher heals). They run through tires and then get in a shopping cart and get pushed by some more queers. Following that they run around a cone and return to the beginning pushing the cart and doing the tires again. It was fun freak show and maybe you'll find some of my pictures worthy of your web site. If you need more let me know. Most of the Drag guys were funny and making fun of the event so beside the shock of it all, it was a good laugh. Thanks for your site, it makes my work day better! Tim

Game challenge for the weekend? Collect more Doeo's than me. HThe easy levels is more for kids and will award a kid's score. The hard level awards more points, so play it whichever you like just so long as you beat 35,550.

the thirty-five grossest horror movie moments. yes, there are lots of zombies.

unfortunately, we are not bowling against howard stern's porn star bowling team


April 24, 2008

You Have Been Banned From Case Del Ernie, Part Deux. For Real And Shit.

Okay, sorry. So anyway, after ten or fifteen minutes, the conversation has completely returned to normal, and Asshole seems a little less Assholish. That is until his wife comes out, hops in the tub and speaking to Neighbor Rob, inquires how he made out with the air conditioning repair. Not wanting to re-ignite Asshole's mystery tantrum, Rob replies 'fine'. She then turns to me and asks, "Didn't you just have the a/c repaired about six months ago?" Yes, but it was a different part. "Oh. Have you had any problems with the seals? Because Cadillacs are known for having bad seals." Now I do not know as to which seal (gasket?) she speaks of, nor do I know how she came to this conclusion. For all I know she's right on the money, I dunno. But what I do know, is this comment struck that nerve in Asshole and send him on a second, much more heated tirade. It went something like this...

Asshole: SO YOU'RE TELLING ME MY CAR IS A PIECE OF SHIT AND IT'S GOING TO LEAK?

Asshole's Poor Wife (APW): Huh?

Asshole: YOU JUST SAID. YOU JUST SAID MY CAR WAS GOING TO LEAK. SO IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT NOW, IS THAT IT?

Ernie: No, I think she was just making a general comment as part of the conversation, Asshole (I didn't really call him Asshole, but I'm protecting his name. Besides, this is more fun).

Asshole: (paying no mind to my comment): MY CAR DOESN'T LEAK A DROP. OF ANYTHING. SO YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. I PAY $600 DAMN DOLLARS A MONTH FOR THAT CAR. YOU DON'T PAY IT, I DO! (then pointing a finger at me) YOU DON'T PAY IT, I DO! (then pointing a finger at Neighbor Rob) YOU DON'T PAY IT I DO!

Rob: No, I don't think that's what she was saying.

At this point, I would like to point out that Asshole is maybe 5'7 and maybe 160lbs. Neighbor Rob is 6'4" and 270lbs. At this point I turn to face Asshole and in my most soothing voice, quietly say, "Asshole, quiet down. Sssssh, we can hear you fine. It's late, please quiet down."

Asshole: (to APW) THAT'S A 2005 CTS. MY CAR IS WORTH TWENTY 1990 CADILLACS. BUT THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, HUH? THAT CAR IS MY LIFE AND THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

Ernie: (motioning downwards and speaking quietly) Shhhhhh. Shhhhh.

APW: Oh, shut up, Asshole.

Asshole: TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND THEY SELL THEM FOR NOW. AND WHAT'S MINE WORTH? MAYBE SEVENTEEN?

APW: Asshole. Shut. Up.

Asshole: I GOT FUCKED ON THAT CAR. EVERYONE FUCKS ME. I SPEND ALL THIS MONEY ON THAT CAR AND YOU TELL ME IT'S GOING TO LEAK? THAT IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT?!

APW: (realizing how awkward the situation has become for everyone) Fuck you Asshole, we're going home. Get out of the tub right now, we're going home.

Asshole: TEN GRAND FOR THAT CAR I PAID LAST YEAR. TEN GRAND. IT COST ME LAST YEAR ALONE. (Turning to me) MY CADILLAC IS WORTH TEN TIMES YOUR CADILLAC.

Ernie: Okay, sure. But Asshole, please, quiet down. Shhhh. Shhhh.

APW: GET OUT OF THE TUB, ASSHOLE, WE'RE GOING HOME! (she then gets her robe, dries off and goes into the house)

Asshole: (mumbling into his gin and tonic before taking another long pull) Lose some weight, fat ass.

I capitalized his text, because he screamed rather than spoke. At this point, it's clear that Asshole has had too much to drink and is totally bombed. I would also suspect that there's been some financial turmoil going on behind the scenes, which is now coming to a head thanks to several gin and tonics. So anyway, after ten minutes or so, APW manages to get Asshole out of the tub and start drying off. Now I have dilemma. As much as I would love to see them go -- I don't want that fucking shit harshing my mellow -- I also don't want to see them get on the road in the state they were in. Asshole had been capturing so much attention over the last hour, that nobody paid any attention to how much alcohol APW had consumed. I had no idea if she was relatively sober, or just as wrecked as her husband. I had made up the spare bedroom that day, with the understanding Asshole and APW would be spending the night. It was now their intention, after at least one of them had drank wayyyy to much, to drive home. Great.

And so, watching my life unfold into a Jerry Springer script before my very eyes, I got out of the motherfucking hot tub to try and convince this Asshole not to leave. And trust me, I wanted to do nothing of the sort - leaving the comfort of 102 degree water to have a drunk guy spittle in your face when he talks is not my idea of fun -- but knew I had to anyway. So again, Asshole and I had another rather one sided exchange...

Ernie: Listen. You guys have had too much to drink, you can't drive.

APW: No, I'm fine.

Ernie: The spare bedroom is all made up, why don't you guys just stay here and relax for awhile. I'll make some coffee.

Asshole: (trying to push past me) NAW, WE'RE GOING.

Ernie: Stop, what do you think is going to happen. You're going to get a DUI or hurt somebody.

Asshole: I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE MY CAR OUTSIDE AROUND HERE. (again, with the fucking car?)

Ernie: What do you mean, it's fine. (I live in a nice neighborhood, so fuck you.)

Asshole: I DON'T WANT IT TO GET DENTED.

Ernie: Well what do you think is going to happen to it if it gets wrapped around a tree?

APW: No, I'm fine. I have to take him home.

Ernie: Tell you what. I'll pull my car out of the garage, you can park it in there nice and safe. Then you can stay, right?

Asshole: (To APW) MY CAR IS WORTH MORE THAN HIS TT.

Ernie: Okay, sure it is. And you car will be nice and safe parked inside, and no one can dent it. I'll even put a cover on it.

Asshole: IT'S WORTH A LOT MORE THAN YOUR TT.

Ernie: Yep. So you'll stay, right?

Asshole: NO, WE'RE OUT OF HERE.

So Asshole heads into the house, and right out the front door to smoke a cigarette. I'm still dripping wet. His keys are sitting on the kitchen counter. So I hide them and head out the front door to once again, try to talk some sense into him. I explain to him that I can park his car inside, and if he doesn't want to spend the night, I can make a pot of coffee and they can at least hang around a little to sober up. Hell, if they want, they can crash in the spare bedroom, just for a few hours. He responds my motioning towards his car with the hand holding his cigarette, "Six hundred dollars a month that car costs me. What do you think it's worth now? I'll tell you, shit, that's what." I try to get his attention off the car but before I can do so, APW follows me out. "Why do you have to act like such an asshole?" This sets off Asshole, who flicks his cigarette down and walks back into the house. Out of the corner of my eye, I see his empty cigarette pack in the middle of my lawn. Keep in mind this is the same guy who one hour earlier was telling me he's going to buy a motorcycle so we could ride together. Great. So I follow him in. And once inside, Neighbor Rob and Neighbor Lynn join the fun.

Neighbor Lynn: You guys aren't actually going try and drive, are you?

APW: We're fine. I just have to take him home. Yeah, that's my husband.

Asshole: THAT CAR IS WORTH TWO DAMN TT'S.

Neighbor Rob: Why are you so hung up on what your car is worth?

Asshole: SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS! A MONTH! AND THAT'S NOT EVEN COUNTING INSURANCE AND GAS!

Neighbor Rob: So if you've worked for it, why wreck it?

Asshole: THAT'S RIGHT, I DID WORK FOR IT. I WORK FOR EVERY DOLLAR I MAKE. I'M NOT A COMPUTER GUY. (TURNS TO APW) HERE, TAKE YOUR FIFTY DOLLAR SUNGLASSES. YOUR FIFTY DOLLAR SUNGLASSES THAT MY MOM PAID FOR YOU AND LET'S GO.

At this point, I'm in my bedroom to dry off and put on some shorts and a shirt -- because the night is obviously over thanks to Asshole. While I'm in there, Asshole comes back into the kitchen. I don't know if APW helped him, or if he saw where I hid his keys, but after half a minute or so, a jingling sound tells me that he's found them. Great. So now walking like Julia Roberts and trying to stuff my foot into a shoe while I'm chasing after them. I turn to APW who is just ahead of me and say, "I can't let you guys drive home>" and her reply is, "Don't go there." What the fuck does that mean? Are all fourteen year old high school girls now? Don't go there. Oh pfft! You betta not go there! Oh no you did not just go there!. How fucking stupid. I remember thinking, "Man, Andy and Dorie would never pull this shit."

But, just to make things interesting, one of the other chicks at the party decides she's going to enter the fray. I guess she used to work at a hospital, so she's seen a lot of DUI injuries, and she's taking this really personal. She flies out the front door ahead of me, tears streaming from her face. By the time I get outside, she's pushing Asshole up against my garage door and he bounces off. And every time he bounces off, she shoves him again. And every time he bounces off the door, it booms in it's tracks. It's midnight. Sound travels. I live on a quiet street. I know it's only a matter of time before someone wakes up and calls Le'Policia. So I get my arms around hysterical chick, pull her off Asshole, and begin to corral her back into the house. By the time I get her there and can turn around, Asshole had made it to the car -- the passenger seat, thankfully. So now I'm about ten steps away from the car, which is already running, both of them inside with the doors shut. Asshole has his window down. I briefly consider trying to reach in and grab the keys or something, but know that's only going to end with a car driving down the road with me hanging half in and half out.

So at this point, I've accepted the situation has ceased being an interactive one, and I'm now in a spectator role just like everyone else. I tried reasoning, I tried bargaining, I offered to make coffee, or have them crash for just a few hours, I tried hiding the keys, I tried standing in their way so they couldn't get outside... everything shy of physical assault. Any chance of stopping them was gone, because I'm sure as fuck not going to stand in front of the car. Momma ain't raise no fool. I guess it's like suicide; if a person is really intent on killing themselves, there's really nothing you can do to stop them. The car's headlights flooded the lower part of my driveway, and the first indication I had they were really going to do this was when the light pattern bounced a tiny bit as the car was shifted into drive. And as they're rolling down the driveway, I can hear bits and pieces from Asshole, "...last time... ever come here... i work... don't just sit in front of a computer all day... conceited ... judge me..."

And as the car turned onto the road and accelerated, Asshole reached his hand out of the window to wave goodbye. Or flip me off, I couldn't tell which.

Inside, the remainder of the party goers engaged in a debate on whether or not to call 911 and report a possible drunk driver. I think if Asshole were driving, nobody would have hesitated. Both because we knew he was clearly intoxicated plus, the yummy delicious flavor of schadenfreude. But since he wasn't driving, and no one could say for certain that they thought APW was drunk, we gave her the benefit of the doubt. So, without much else to do... fuck them, we all went back in the hot tub. And had a great time; the hostility that had previously hung in the air was gone, replaced by the familiar feel of peace and tranquility. Just like it should be. Needless to say, Asshole was the topic of choice, and much to the surprise of others, I found myself coming to his defense. Not that I found his behavior -- or his personal attacks on me and how I make my living -- acceptable, but because like I said when I started this story; we've all been there. Anyone who has ever drank has at one point or another, been that guy. And ya know what, you wake up the next day, you swallow your pride and you make some apologies, and it's all forgotten. Asshole would surely call within the next day or so and do just that. No harm, no foul. Right?

The next morning there was a knock at my door. As soon as I heard it, I knew it was going to be one of my neighbors asking just what the fuck was going on over here last night. I was a little embarrassed, to be honest. I opened the door and my jaw almost hit the floor when I saw Asshole looking back at me. I figured as wrecked as he was, he wouldn't be up and moving until August. But nope, there he was. Surely to offer a heartfelt apology. Something like, "I'm sorry things got a little out of control," or, "I'm sorry if I made anyone feel uncomfortable last night." Something. Hell you can even make up a little excuse about how you hadn't eaten all day, or were taking cold medicine. I'd smile, accept your apology and we'd put this behind us. Nope. The first words out of his mouth were...

Complete Fucking Asshole: My cooler.

Ernie: Huh?

CFA: I left my cooler here last night.

Ernie: (Dumbfounded) Well we can't have that.

And as if nothing ever fucking happened, CFA follows me into the house and I think perhaps my overdue apology will be coming shortly. I helped CFA collect his cooler, his baking dish of half eaten cheesy-potatoes, and a bottle of Smirnoff vodka with about two inches left in the bottom. And while he's putting the latter two items into the cooler, he tells me, "My wife walked home last night." I suppose I should point out that their house is about thirty miles away. Most of which is down a rural road with no street lights. "She didn't get home until five am this morning." I just stared at him for a second. "From where?" I asked. "About halfway down Burnt Store Road." I did some quick guestimating in my head. That means CFAPW probably walked about 18-20 miles. And she was wearing flip flops. "Wow." I said. "Yep, joke's on her." Huh. And without another word, out the door he went. Did I mention that he's French-Canadian?

Needless to say, CFA is no longer a welcomed guest in my house. Now I don't feel bad Ike bit their dog right on ther ass the last time they over. And later that night? We found CFAPW's flip-flops by the side of the hot tub. Ouch.

dealing with drunk people is like being on a not-so-merry-go-round.

more food advertising vs reality. this time with prepackaged stuff, not hamburgers.

michael schumaker owns his own island. that's right, i said his own island.



April 23, 2008

You Have Been Banned From Case Del Ernie, Part Deux. Sort Of.

Sorry, today's post has become OBE. Tune in tomorrow for the conclusion to our exciting story.

This picture of the condensation-imploded railcar has cruising around the internet for years. So here's the associated training video, which is relatively new.

canyousayouch - catpostedtomyspace - footloosepart2 - hernameiscandice -

so, how much does your state charge for gas tax? go florida! or not.

a st louis newspaper's geography quiz - congratulations, i am a human atlas! 8/8 baby!


April 22, 2008

You Have Been Banned From Case Del Ernie.

I had an interesting Saturday night. But it's a long story. If I cut it short into one post, you won't get the full effect. If I tell the whole thing at once, your eyes will glazed over by the third or fourth paragraph. So I guess I'll post it as a multi-party story. But before I get into it, let me first preface this by stating that if you've ever comsumed alcohol, then at one point or another, we've all been "that guy". The guy that's had a few drinks too many, and makes a complete fool of himself. God knows I've done it. Puddy, Pam, Canadian Jay and Canadian Karen know I've done it. So bearing that in mind, I try to be as tolerant as possible whenever someone else imbibes more than they should. Just so long as nobody gets hurt or nothing gets broken, eh, no harm no foul.

So with that backdrop in mind, I had some folks over to my house for dinner on Saturday night. In an effort to protect the innocent I will name them Asshole and Asshole's poor wife. They got here around, eh, four o'clock so the night was still very young. So while final dinner preparations were being made, they and everyone else partook in a few wobbly pops and caught up on what was going on in life. For whatever reason, I just wasn't in the mood for the hard stuff. And as it turns out, thankfully so, because I would later need my semi-wits about me. Dinner was served around... I'm going to say six o'clock and by this time Asshole had gone through the five beers he brought -- yes, he brought five whole beers -- and had turned to gin and tonics. Again, normally I'd have been right there with him drink for drink, but was instead going through some fruity rum concoction I had made up. I mean it's Florida, it was hot, it was sunny... you can't do beer and gin all the time, right?

Anyway, following dinner and the ceremonial clearing of the plates, some of us decided to head off to a local outdoor bar to enjoy a few cocktails and watch the sunset. Don't worry, we rolled on the scooters. Man, I love my scooters, but alas, I digress. While we were there, everything was fine. Everyone is laughing and smiling and engaging in normal conversation. After a few rounds, we returned back at my house and kick on the hot tub which would take about an hour to come up to temperature. Now, another quick point of fact. My hot tub is like Switzerland. It's neutral territory. No arguing, no grudges, no stress. It is a place of peace and tranquility. Many a sore spirit has been nursed back to healthy by its warm waters. It's may not be the newest thing on the market, it doesn't have the most jets or a build in television; but can seat about eight people comfortably and has always been the source of a good time by all. And while it was heating up, my neighbors showed up (they're certainly no strangers ot the hot tub) and joined the drinking fray. During all of this, as Asshole's tastebuds were becoming more and more numb, he was consuming his gin and tonics at a steadily increasing rate. But I'm not worried because he's been over before and he's never been a problem.

It was a warm evening yet a cool breeze in the air, a full moon hung in the clear Florida sky, and the music was flowing through the outside speakers. Life was good.

At some point we decided the hot tub was in fact warm enough to jump into and the men were the first to do so. No, it was not a pickle party and no there were no circle jerks; all of the vaginas were inside talking about hairspray or curtains or whatever, and the guys just happened to be outside. You know, we were talking about fire and guns and wrenches and stuff. Actually Rob, my neighbor, had been replacing the A/C compressor on my Cadillac which happened to take a shit the day before. He and I started on it earlier in the day, but I had to bolt out and get ready for company, and he graciously marched on by himself. Anyway, talking about that led conversation to gas prices and the economy -- which are pretty benign subjects you'd think, right? Well, evidently, Asshole didn't think so.

In fact, Asshole took the fact that I had a Cadillac as a direct challenge to him, since he had a Cadillac as well. Now for those of you thinking I'm the next Hugh Hefner with my hot tub and my Cadillac, let me set the record straight. While you may be thinking this, I have to snicker to myself because what I actually have is this. It's a 1990 Fleetwood Brougham with 180,000 miles. I bought it a year and a half ago for $2,800. Soooo, let's keep that Hugh Hefner shit in perspective, eh? Anyway, Asshole will be more than happy to tell you he paid $25,000 for a used 2005 Cadillac CTS. What he is not so happy to tell you, is that it's now worth $17,000 and he still owes $24,000. In fact, he pays, "Fix hundred fucking dollars a fucking month on that car. And for fucking what? Ten Fucking grand a fucking year it costs me. And you're saying it's a piece of shit?".

And I feel stupid for tell you all this, as it seems quite petty, but I'm simply regurgitating the things he was blurting out with enough poison in his voice to give a clear indication he wasn't joking around at all. At this point Neighbor Rob and I look at each other and seeing that we both have the same puzzled look each others faces, try to connect the dots and see how the conversation went from fixing the air condition on my almost twenty year old car, to the resale value of Asshole's car. With as much confusion as subtlety in my voice, I tried to explain to Asshole that we were drawing no correlation between my car and his, we were simply talking about the escalating cost of owning a car, specifically mine. Asshole then holds up his cup and mumbles something into his gin and tonic glass about his car not being a piece of shit before, taking another long swallow. For the next minute or so, the bubbling of the jets was the only noise as an uncomfortable silence hung in the air. .

I tried to disect Asshole's reaction and see if perhaps I had said something to upset him; I didn't. I mean we're guys. Guys bust each others balls. if I had said to him, "ahh, your car is a piece of shit" -- which I didn't -- but if I did, I'd have done it jokingly. You could tell from my voice and my body language that I was joking. But I hadn't said anything even remotely close to provocative. And was made me most uncomfortable was complete and utter seriousness that was in his voice. When Asshole reacted the way he did, there was nothing joking about it. He was serious and dare I say, he was angry. Very angry.

It was a still a warm evening with a cool breeze in the air, a full moon still hung in the clear Florida sky, and the music was still flowing through the outside speakers. But life wasn't quite as good anymore. Tomorrow: his wife inadvertently weighs in on Cadillac reliabilty, he takes exception to yet another one of my cars, the doorway confrontation, their drive home, and the knock on my door the next morning.

In light of your commentary on Romero's message on commercialism in a consumer society from the 1978 classic. As you probably know from our past communications, I am not a hippie dippy leftist - far from it. But this was a pretty cool and informative clip - it's kinda long (20 mins-ish) but it's really interesting. Enjoy, Scott

Greetings. Here are the Google Earth coordinates for the USS Iowa. (38.067970 -122.097918) I'm from Stockton, CA and last year there was a big-to-do about which city should get the ship. It was between Stockton and Vallejo. Vallejo won. Cheers! Jim

We in Holland cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election. On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer. On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with huge tits and owns a beer distributorship. Is there a contest here? - Greg

Oh, and the winner in YoYo Ball is Dave, which means he was the first person to make to level 10, which everyone else who made it there says... is fucking impossible to finish. Some of the Level 10'ers were:

Ernie was able to make it to level 10 in yoyo ball. After trying it out for forty minutes or so I almost went on a killing spree! Impossible! I hate this game and wished you had never posted it. Keep up the excellent work. If screen cap didn't work the code to get to level ten is longcat. Later, Dave

Level 10 is fucking impossible. It’s just level 9 but with low gravity, making it much like being in an ass-kicking contest with just one leg. I do have a screenshot proving I got there at least. If someone gets past level 10, they fucking deserve the satisfaction. Everyone at work heard me cussing for a strait hour on this fucking game. Regards, Stephen

This game can lick my nuts, but I did make it past level 9. Fuck level 10, it's the same as level 9 but with low gravity, they call it no gravity but that would mean your ball wouldn't fall. Thanks to this game I'm a little balder than I was before my lunch break started. Will

Wow, I would have thought someone would have finished level 10 before upskirt photos of Emma Watson appeared on the web, but it looks like I was wrong. And she's been 18 for what, a week now?

a fairly in depth writeup on the turret two explosion aboard the uss iowa in 1989

thirty celebrities who didn't get the part - clint eastwood as john rambo? i don't think so

a comparison between british vs canadian state funerals for fallen soldiers. take it for what it's worth


April 21, 2008

This Is EXACTLY The Kind Of Response I Was Hoping For.

Hey Ernie. Love the site. I have been a fan for many years now and have sent in a few things, you even posted a couple so I consider myself lucky.

I am a Battleship Sailor. I am a Plankowner (a member of a commissioning crew) on USS Wisconsin BB-64. We re-commissioned Her on October 22, 1988 in Pascagoula Mississippi. I loved every second I was a member of the crew. My station was in Spot 1, the forward most Main Battery gun director and the highest manned point on the ship. I got to fire the 16 inch guns many times and I can tell you, nothing comes close to being as much fun as firing those big guns.

I know the ship in your picture is not the Wisconsin because we did not have non-skid all the way up past turret 3 from the flight deck as the ship in the photo obviously does. And I know it is not the New Jersey because the Jersey has a different configuration for the Electronic Warfare spaces on the main super structure just below Spot 1. And, since I do not see the plaque that was set in the deck on the Starboard side just aft of turret 2 on the Missouri, I believe the ship in your photo is USS Iowa, BB-61. In fact, I am almost sure of it.

Also, one other interesting fact you may not know, all 9 guns do not fire at the same time. They did in WWII but they did not when we re-activated the ships in the '80's.

During WWII, all 9 guns would go off at the same instant. When the trigger is pulled (and it IS a trigger, not a button) all 9 guns would fire. But, it was determined that that was a great deal of stress being put on the ship and the turrets specifically, and so a timing circuit was designed and installed. What this circuit did was, when the trigger is pulled, in a 9 gun broadside or if you were just firing one turret, the left gun would fire, then half a second later the right gun would fire, then half a second later the center gun would fire. If you look closely at the photo you have up on the site, you will see that all the right guns are firing so the sequence is about half way complete. You can especially see it on turret 3 in the photo as the left gun is in full recoil but no fire is coming out of the barrel, and the right gun is just starting to recoil and there is fire coming out of the barrel. So, the left guns have already fired, the right guns are firing, and the center guns are about a half second from firing in the photo.

The circuit changed the 9 gun broadside from one big BOOM! to a BOOM...BOOM...BOOM! kind of thing. It actually made it more fun for those of us lucky enough to be on the ship.

I have tons more info about the Iowas in case you ever want to know. Feel free to email and ask.

My old ship, the Wisconsin is now a museum in Norfolk, the Jersey is a museum in New Jersey, the Missouri is a museum in Pearl Harbor Hawaii and the Iowa is currently in mothballs somewhere on the west coast after the tree huggers a flaming Liberals of San Francisco refused to allow Her to be made into a museum in their city. Her fate is currently up in the air but there is a crew member association that is trying to find Her a home.

The Wisconsin's crewmember association web site is usswisconsin.org if you'd like to see some really kick ass pictures, some of which I have contributed. Check it out, maybe even put up a link to it on your site.

Have a great day Ernie. Keep up the good work!

Mike S. - Arlington, Tennessee

Ernie, The Iowa class BB pictured in todays update is, in fact, the Iowa. The ships also do not move when the 16" guns are fired. It's a common myth, but I've probably heard it two dozen times. What you are seeing, that looks like movement, has something to do with the pressure differential between the two sides of the ship when the guns are fired. I've attached a pic of the shafts, rudders, and screws of one of the ships in dry dock. Go Sox! Jared.

Hey Ernie -- A former squiddly-diddly here. In reference to your question about which battleship that was getting her guns off, the answer is the USS Iowa (BB-61). The image depicts all her Mark 7 16inch (404mm)/50 caliber guns (1) ablaze. I think this is called a full broadside shot, or a starboard broadside in reference to the side of the ship they are aimed. What a spectacular shot! Although I've also heard the rumor that the battleship experienced recoil and moved sideways, I've never ran into anyone that could site a source that proves that fact. If you look at this aerial image (2) you'll see the all guns firing and the aft wake steady and true from propulsion. I believe the wake off the bow in the image you posted actually has to do with the concussion wave from the blast on the surface of the water hitting the crests of the waves. In placid water the concussion would be smoothed out across the entire sureface of the water. I can understand listing (tipping) to one side but not physically moving all 58,000 tons, especially with a 36 foot draught. Jay

I actually had several replies on the subject, but could only post a couple otherwise I'd fill the entire page. My thanks to everyone who wrote in regarding the Iowas. You have certainly edjumacated me.

wikipedia entry to the high resolution photo of the uss iowa's broadside

minute and a half long video clip of the uss iowa firing full broadsides

chopsueyspecs - ghostrider - ialwayssuspected - insuredbymafia - meercatmunchies - stuckupbitch


April 19, 2008

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

how do college stoners celebrate 4/20? en mass under a parachute with a bunch of chronic, thats how.

wow, tough to argue with the numbers... any right handed folks wanna send in a link in response?

compassionatesoldier - lockedinatrance - nerduberporn - noyourotherleft - shehitittwotimes - theboobiemonster


April 18, 2008

I'm Sorry, Did You Say Something?

Over the past few years I have received many funny images/jokes and have posted to an audience whom I thought shared the same sense of humor. Unfortunately, I seem to have upset a few people and received criticism for being sexist and shallow. Some people have told me not to be so 'crass'. So, from now on I am only e-mailing pictures of old monuments, nature, and other cultural sights which are educational. On a recent motorcycle trip, I just happened to capture this fantastic shot of a palm tree! Enjoy.

So part of me is thinking the (not so) new method of displaying the photos kind of, well, sucks. For example, when I say Hey look, a lizard! I don't know if I want it to show like that or the old way like this. Any thoughts?

Game challenge. Today brings the conclusion of Obnoxious 2, and if you didn't score over one million points, then brother, you ain't shit. And the best part is I know Jim is getting all excited, which unfortunately is for nothing, since it's Patrick who came up with the best score. Sorry man. So this next game is YoYo Ball and is a lot fucking harder than it looks. Sure it starts off easy, and I made it right to level 5 in under a minute. The catch is ten minutes later, I was still on level 5. Twenty minutes? Level 5. It got tot he point that I -- seriously -- had to get up and walk away from the computer, or I was going to put my fucking fist through my monitor. And no, I'm not fucking kidding. I have dried spittle marks on my keyboard to prove it. So no, I didn't blur out my code to get you to level 5, because again, getting there is easy. Getting out is hard. I have no fucking idea if this game is timed, or if there's even an end. If you can make it farther than me, all the fucking power to you.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I hate their head coach, but I love their cheerleaders.

I've seen countless bullshit "How to build a hovercraft" videos online, but I'll be damned if shit science teacher doesn't build one for real. He even sends a student sliding down the hallway on it. I want one.

Take a look at this picture of a (now decomissioned) battleship firing all guns broadside.... the force actually moves the ship sideways in the water, as evident by the wake off the bow. Maybe one of you squids can tell me which ship?

not going anywhere for awhile? pilot in red sox home opened gets grounded for maneuver

said maneuver in question. sure looked pretty cool, and didn't appear to be unsafe out out of control


April 17, 2008

We're Not All Guts And Gore, Ya Know.

I dunno, for some reason I woke up this morning and felt like a zombie post. And believe it or not, I'm directing this one at you non-zombie fans because you've no doubt heard me drivel on and on about zombies, but can't for the life of it understand why. Well, I'm going to explain it to you. The modern day father of zombies is George Romero -- he's the guy who more or less started it all with Night of the Living Dead, a 1968 flick about a handful of strangers who seek refuge in an old farmhouse. But I'll bet you don't know the underlying message to the movie... NOTLD was actually a social commentary. Remember this film came out right at the peak of racism, which prompted people all around the country to become increasingly isolated as their suspicion of their neighbors spiraled out of control. In NOTLD, the threats were zombies yes, but zombies of your milkman, your postal carrier, your neighbor from two houses over and even your own family members. Romero work was a satire of our society's increasing isolationism.

Then spin forward to 1978 when the original Dawn of the Dead was released. Where did the survivors seek refuge? A shopping mall. What was already stumbling around the mall? Zombies? Why? "Some kind of instinct. Memory, of what they used to do. This was an important place in their lives." This was Romero's commentary on America's escalating commercialism. Shopping malls had -- believe it or not -- just been invented and provided consumers with a single place to gorge ourselves on every product the market. Huge two story department stores stood as testament to the voracity of our desire to buy, buy, buy. He said in an interview once, that he got the idea for this movie while at a shopping mall and watching people stumble around staring at the different stores, mouths agape in awe. And in the 70's Americas were just that: consumer gluttons.

Next came (the original) Day of the Dead; the last hope of mankind is holed up in an underground facility, desperately trying to seek a cure for the zombie plague. The lines were very clear: Inside the bunker were the survivors; outside the bunker was the threat of zombies. It was a very clear us-vs-them situation. Even inside the bunker, the survivors are split into two factions: the military who run the show through fear and intimidation, and the civilian scientists performing research. This movie was released in 1985, at the tail end of the Cold War. President Reagan had built our military forces up to new heights, and tensions with the Soviet Union stood near record levels. The military propoganda machine had the threat of nuclear war was on everyone's minds, and if that happened, where would everyone go? To bomb shelters and on a larger scale, military bunkers. Day of the Dead was Romero's commentary on how the Soviets and militarism had come to have a major impact over people's lives.

And finally, we have the flick that I kind of wish he hadn't made; Land of the Dead. This time, the survivors have secured themselves an entire city; within its walls humans are safe. Outside of the walls, zombies reigned. And in the heart of the city was a huge skyscraper called Fiddler's Green. The class system was very much in effect: the skyscraper dewllers were all rich; they never got their hands dirty, risked nothing as they were insulated by those that could not afford to live in the tower. They were the upper class. Down on the streets, relatively safe from the threat of zombies but still forced to scrounge for food and perform all the manual labor to keep the city running, we have the middle class. And outside of the city's walls, stumbling around in ragged clothes and looked upon as inferior, the zombies represent the lower class. And in the end, following the destruction of the upper class, the middle and lower classes find a way to coexist.

So there you have it. Better social understanding and tolerance through zombies. So now you can see why I was so bent out of shape with the remake of Day of the Dead. The underlying movie wasn't about your neighbor, shopping from a Sears and Roebuck catalog, or even fighting Communism. It was mindless explosions and gore. Which don't get me wrong, certainly has its place on my DVD rack, but their zombies just didn't have the same bite as Romero's zombies. Heh.

newspapers, wired telecoms and dvd rental i can see. but if beer and bowling die away, i'm going to be pissed...

in an ideal world all company directors would invest in their workforce to the point where the office didn’t resemble...


April 16, 2008

Summer Barbeque Rules.

We are about to enter the summer and barbeque season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the barbeque the following chain of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

(10) Everyone praises and thanks the man for the man cooking efforts. He then announces that, 'we should do it again soon'.

(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off.

(12) Upon seeing her annoyed reaction, the man concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Oh and before I forget, Patrick has the lead in Obnoxious 2.

it looks like christina aguilera didn't have much trouble losing weight after having her baby. what's your excuse, fat ass?

because doing almost 100mph on the autobahn is all fun and games until someone hits an oil patch.


April 15, 2008

Just A Friendly Reminder It's Tax Day.

So there was one movie I forgot to comment on yesterday, and that's 30 Days of Night. It's a vampire flick, so much like zombie flicks, you have to suspend disbelief for a little while to really get intot he movie. And that's fine, I can do that. So the premise of the movie is way up in Alaska, the sun goes down for thirty days, hence making the place party central for a gang of vampires. It had that freaky tough/gay guy Ben Foster in it, although he didn't really play a significant part. He did kill a bunch of sled dogs before being killed himself, so fuck him. Anyway, vampires come in, start kicking ass and killing the townspeople, and the story follows a small batch of survivors that have to hide out for the duration. Which if you think about it, with a dozen or so people hiding out in an attic you'd imagine food and water would become an issue. But I guess they didn't want to get bogged down with the details, so a few packages of Oreos and a bottle of vodka seem to do the trick. Anyway, after scattered throat tearing scenes, the movie wraps up with our hero injecting himself with vampire blood to fight the lead bad vampire, mano-a-mano. [Writers of No Country For Old Men, pay close attention. This is called a "denouement".] So the good guy and the bad guy start slugging it out. And the battle goes back and forth for a few minutes until suddenly without any warning at all, the good guy suddenly wins. Punches his fist right through bad guy's mouth and out the back of his head. Which was neato, but a little build up beforehand would certainly have been nice. Or ever better, a little shit talking. Seriously. Earlier in the movie, good guy kills bad guy's girlfriend with an ultra-violet light. If that's not a great setup for one-liner right before the final battle, then I don't know what is. See, that's why I love Will Smith movies, he always talks shit, which I think is a very under utilized tool in the cinematic toolbox. Well, that and shotguns which I'll admit could have played a little bigger part in in this movie, also. All in all? 7 out of 10. Which for those of you curious, I rate the last Rambo flick an 11 out of 10.

By now I'm sure you've heard about a story that a construction worker buried a Boston Red Sox t-shirt in one of the floors of the new Yankee Stadium. Here's a link to the story. - Matt

As for the worker who buried the Sox jersey - what an asshole! Not because he did it -- I think it's an awesome fucking idea -- but because the douchebag got caught! I mean all you have to do to pull this off is: keep your fucking mouth shut. That's it. Just shut the fuck up. For a year at the most. Just shut up. Mouth? Closed. That's it. But nooo, Mr. Big Man, had to flap his fucking gums like a girl with a new haircut and look at what it cost us. Just shut the fuck up for a year, then start to tell people: that you did it, not where it is. I'd pass that secret along to my family like National Treasure. He could have pulled off the coup de grâce for Sox fans everywhere, but he just couldn't keep his big fat fucking mouth shut. What an asshole.

It's a small world kids. Congratulations, you're a cyber stalker! No go stalk Scott, who has the lead in Obnoxious 2.

i knew rodney dangerfield's real name was jacob cohen, but do you know who demetria gene guynes is?

kid breaks vacuum to play xbox instead of doing chores; mom sells xbox, pranks his myspace.


April 14, 2008

Wake Up Siskel And Move Over Roeper.

For some unexplained reason, this weekend turned out to be an orgy of rented movies. I didn't plan it this way, there were many things going on in the local area to keep me busy, it just did. And I have to say, I came away very disappointed with the quality of movies out there lately. You see, it's all about expectation. When you pop a movie into your DVD player knowing that it won some pretty major awards, you have a certain level of expectations. You sit back and just wait for this movie deliver. And when you keep waiting and waiting, well, that's not good. So please allow me one minute to recap a few of these gems...

No Country For Old Men. I can't believe this piece of shit won Oscars for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Screenplay and Best Supporting Actor. You have got ot be fucking kidding me. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd rate this a 6 at the most. The entire first half of the movie is a buildup between the pseudo good guy Josh Brolin (a rancher who stole a bunch of money from the bad guy) and the bad guy, Javier Bardem. And guess what? It's all absolutely for nothing as Brolin gets killed before they meet. Killed offscreen, by the way. By a bunch of nobodies. So you don't even get to see it. It's like halfway through the filming, Brolin must have said, "Fuck this I quit," and this was how the writers dealt with it. So with that storyline dead, it sets up a confrontation between Bardem and the local sheriff played by Tommy Lee Jones. You remember him, right? The guy who always gets his man, right? Yeah, not so much this time. Because as you hold out hope for some closure, guess what? Is Jones killed off screen? No, worse. He fucking retires. That's right? Fucking retired. They just cut to a scene that's supposed to take place sometime in the future with Jones sitting at the breakfast table. Seriously. This movie left me as unfulfilled as when my dick goes limp from a bad porn scene. The only highlight to this whole two hour abortion is the bad guy has a cool airgun that kills people quietly. That's it. You know what? Fuck this I'm giving it a 5, not a 6.

There Will Be Blood. Actually, no there won't. Because I didn't fucking see any fucking blood until the last twenty seconds of this piece of shit movie. Best Actor? Sure. But when the whole fucking storyline gets about as exciting as a tea party with mismatched cups, who the fuck cares? Want to know the highlight of this three hour movie? A fucking oil fire. Seriously. A fucking fire. There was a decent murder scene at the very end, but at that point I had already slipped into a fucking coma, so who cares. Do yourself a favor, rent On Deadly Ground, and you'll get more entertainment in the first five minutes of that, than you would in this three hour snoozer. I kept waiting for something good to happen, and it just didn't. The whole thing was a fizzle. So it gets 3 out of 10, and that's only because I like fires.

Resurrecting The Champ. Whose brilliant fucking idea was it to have Samuel L. Jackson talk like a falsetto? I mean it's Samuel L. Fucking Jackson, man. You can't have Samuel L. Fucking Jackson sounding like he just sucked off the entire men's figure skating team. That's just not cool. Other than that, it was a fairly decent movie. A little drawn out at times when the guy is yammering on about his son, but still tolerable. Kathyrn Morris even managed to shelve her cuntiness long enough to contribute to a few scenes. But listen, I'm going to do you a favor here and give you back two hours of your life: Jackson isn't not really Satterfield, and he dies at the end. You'll thank me later. Maybe a 6 out of 10, but only if you like boxing.

Day Of The Dead (2008). Ahhhh, finally, some decent material here. Hot on the heels of the Dawn of the Dead remake in 2004, this zombie flick would have snuck past me if I hadn't stopped to tie my shoe at Blockbuster. I had no idea they did a remake of this one too, and with Mena Suvari as the lead character, it's no wonder. But we don't watch zombie flicks for the acting or the storyline, we watch them for the zombies. And at this point, I've got a small bone to pick with Hollywood. What's up with all the fast zombies lately? 28 Days Later. The Dawn of the Dead remake. Resident Evil. What the fuck? Zombies are supposed to be slow and clumsy. Why? Because George Romero said so, that's why. So please don't make them fast, use tools... or for Christ's sake, run on the fucking ceiling of a hospital corridor, like they did in this movie. But moving past Zombie physiology, it was still a pretty decent zombie flick. Lots of brains, lots of gore, and Mena gets to run over her Zombie mother with a HUMVEE. Ving Rhames must have had some sort of leftover contractual obligation to be in this one too, because he had a small part as Mena's boss. He eats his own eye. Which by the way, is another zombie no-no, since zombies aren't cannibals because they don't eat each other. Eh, 7 out of 10.

Hey Ernie! Just thought you might get a kick out of this picture of my daughter. Nine days old and she already knows how to rock! Keep up the good work-- Breanne (and Claire too!)

Ernie, I have been a long time reader of your site. I was hoping you could do me a favor. My dad suddenly pased away earlier last week . I know what a fan he was of your sight as well. Many of our phone calls contained the quote "did you see that on Ernie's?". He was a Vietnam Veteran in the Air Force and a big fan of dragging his Harley. If you could find some way to put his bike up for all to admire that would be great. A street legal Sportster that does low 10's in the 1/4 mile 128 horse with about 117 to the rear wheel. That is one fast Harley. He will be missed, "we hardly knew ye". Eddie

[Ernie says: The circle of life, eh? Sorry about your dad, and wow he was fucking nuts.]

So when the highlight of your weekend cinema is a b-rated remake of an already b-rated movie, you know things didn't go well. I had more fun last week at the Virtual Army Experience at the airshow, where I got to shoot an M-4 and TOW missile. Well, that or stare at Jessica Simpson's right nipple. Either one works for me.

This week's first game challenge will be Obnoxious 2, I'm not sure why it's named that, since it's not really obnoxious. The weird voices at the beginning are a little, well... weird, but that's it. My advice is to focus on the orange guy, since he's the one you'll control the easiest. I didn't get the chance to play it too long before getting 61,020 so I'm sure you guys will do much better. Play any difficulty you like, but the harder level yields you the most points.

f-15 crash(es). b-2 crash. f-16 crash. b-1 crash. and now an 1-10 wheels up landing. pushed a little hard, are we?

...judging by our clothes, it was clear that we were taking different approaches to this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity...



April 12, 2008

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

at a staggering 5'7" tall, i'm the same height as tupac, bitches!.

wow, a remote control plane that even has a reserve gas tank. that's cool. unless this happens.

if I die before you wake - a song from a soldier in iraq

bmwhater - floridacarwash - fuckingyankees - heylookshrimp - sniperchick


April 11, 2008

Famous Quotes By The Greatest Boxer Of All Time.

"Cassius Clay is a slave name. I didn't choose it, and I didn't want it. I am Muhammad Ali, a free name - it means beloved of God - and I insist people use it when speaking to me and of me."

"What's my name, fool? What's my name?" - What Ali kept yelling while winning a 1967 decision against Ernie Terrell, who had insisted on calling him Cassius Clay.

"Wars of nations are fought to change maps. But wars of poverty are fought to map change."

"Wisdom is knowing when you can't be wise."

"It isn't the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it's the pebble in your shoe."

"If you even dream of beating me you'd better wake up and apologize."

"Rivers, ponds, lakes and streams — they all have different names, but they all contain water. Just as religions do — they all contain truths."

"The fight is won or lost far away from witnesses—behind the lines, in the gym, and out there on the road, long before I dance under those lights."

"Hating people because of their color is wrong. And it doesn't matter which color does the hating. It's just plain wrong."

"Champions aren't made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them: A desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill."

"I am America. I am the part you won't recognize, but get used to me. Black, confident, cocky -- my name, not yours. My religion, not yours. My goals, my own. Get used to me."

"The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life."

"Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth."

I went with my wife to see some of her family in Tisdale Saskatchewan, Canada and noticed the town sign. Thought it was kinda funny. It's a small town but I guess they know how to have fun and you know what they say, "When in Rome..." - Kim

Ernie, I have owned my house for fifteen years. Yesterday I took a closer look at my front door. Each door has a stained glass window of a fleur-de-lis. However, in fifteen years, I never noticed what was REALLY on my door! Love your site. Christine and Guy, San Diego

I told you the Puppy Toss was going to be a quick one, so who is the greatest tosser of us all? Well in a massive tie for second place with a score of 26,515, we have Cody, Kevin, Matt, Chad, Scott, Andy, Brandon, Dave, Ken, Bud, Bizz, Chris, Travis, John, Pijou, Jeff, and Michael. I am so not posting all those scores, so you'll have to trust me. But in the end it was Alex who figured out how to get Motari up and over that last big hump, for a score of 30,850. You can't get any further than that without a jet pack. So yes Alex, I guess you fuckin rule, indeed. The rest of you nearly won, just like Megan Fox's Top nearly came off. I will also give honorable mention to Kade, who confessed, "somehow I managed to get Motari to go -5,000 backwards (hit that first rock and then he flew backwards) and it gave me this massive number." So while I can't count Kade's score, I certainly do admire his spirit.

hey ernie, I've sent a few things in the past but when my when my sister showed me this post from a new mommy blog site I instantly thought "ernie needs this". apparently someone on the site had asked members to send in photos of new babyies, the attached photo showed up and apparently its been a while sense daddy's seen some action. you can see the post here. see ya. davina.

Anytime a story contains the words "butterfish" and "anal leakage", you know it's going to be good. But this of course begs the question... if a larger predator eats a butterfish, will it give him the shits too? or is it just humans? Go explore some additional pictures form the animal world, because bunny threesomes always make me smile! Perhaps all your hard work will pay off, and you'll finally get that job with Google.

things we love to hate: rickollin' and the westboro baptist church. put em togather and whaddya get?

pics from opening day at fenway park. i don't know who took them, but i hate you very much. go sox.

thirty years of america's drug war - a chronology.


April 10, 2008

Ever Notice Time Stands Still When Your Cable is Down?

And so, via my neighbor's slow ass DSL, here's half of what I plan on posting today.

By the way, you'll need at least 26,000 feet in Puppy Toss in order to have a shot at first place, which several people have done. Hence, I'm out of the running. Again. I'll post the high scores once my cable service has been restored, but at first glance, Cody seems to be in the lead with a 26,515.

Found this whilst browsing Ebay - It's not the windshield I needed but I did enjoy the view - Rob, Nashville

Ernie, I hate to be that guy, but you'd think the History Channel would be able to spell 'Arctic' correctly. Reminds me of drinking delicious Artic Ice before it went tits up years ago. Am I wrong here? Am I the asshole? John

Hey look, an Ernie magazine from Finland - Alex.

Ernie, It’s that time of year again, when those greedy fucks in D.C. want more of your hard earned money for taxes! I wasn’t surprised that I owed the Feds money…but check out what the amount came to! TJ

...i'm getting there... In the meantime, I'll be sure to humiliate the Artic Webmaster.

all natural topless tanning for bulgarian model stanimira koleva...

these dots are arranged to trigger notes on a chromatic scale when they pass the line. cool and creepy...

thirty-eight planned movie remakes you didn't (or want to) know about...


April 9, 2008

The Sox Won Their Home Opener Yesterday...

...by defeating the Detroit Tigers, 5-0. I'm very excited to see how the season unfolds and I bet this girl is, too. And this girl. And these girls. And this girl. And this guy, if he can put down his coffee long enough. And this girl. I do however, continue to hate Tom Brady, and while I consider Bridget Moynahan the uber-MILF, I will admit that a naked picture of Gisele is not hard to look at.

Todays game challenge will be a quick one, because we've all seen the mechanics of the game before, although I'll admit, the implementation of this one is quite new. You're a puppy who gets revenge on the Marine who tossed (the other) puppy over the cliff some months back. I was able to heave him some 19,349 feet! A word of advice,: give it a little more angle than you'd think, otherwise you'll keep hitting the spike at 17,479 feet.

In Missouri City, TX, there is a Cement plant in Stafford on Hwy 90 and Texas Parkway. They used to get a backhoe up on the many many hopper cars carrying gravel. And all the hopper cars had the top rails all bent and bashed up. Last time we drove by there they now have a different system for working with the gravel. Next time you see a train passing with hopper cars, look at the top rail and see if its straight or bent. Other than that, he seemed to know what he is doing... Kevin.

After seeing the link to the new Zombie Strippers movie on the site today, I thought you might also be interested in this. I was lucky enough to see the premiere in Orlando. Great stuff. Jon

For now on, there's a new EHOWA rule. If there's ever a zombie movie premiring anywhere in Florida, you have to let me know before attending it. I have hereby decreed.

if this doesn't make you sigh and daydream about yesteryear, nothing will.


April 7, 2008

Religion and Politics.

Those are the two subjects that most webmasters will try to avoid at all costs, because choosing a side in either of these two hot potatoes, is going to alienate half of your readers. It's a rule that I'm going to pseudo-break today. In the past, I've touched on religion a little bit and by now everyone knows I'm an athiest, blah-blah-blah. Nothing exciting there. But what about politics? Let's dig into the good stuff, eh?

Something that has always amused me are the assumptions people make regarding what side of the political fence I stand on. Those that think I'm Republican send me conservative humor and liberal bashing jokes. Those that think I'm a Democrat send me liberal humor and conservative bashing jokes. I honestly get a big kick out of it. So what am I? I'm neither, because I don't think either side has all the answers. When in the first ten minutes of meeting a new person, they proudly let me know they're a Republican|Democrat, I just cringe. Not because I'm shocked at how happy they are to label themselves, but because they honestly believe their team has all the answers. Because here's a newsflash for you: neither side is right all the time.

I am all fucking for the death penalty, but I believe in the right to abortion. I believe welfare should be extended for a set period of time (let's say a year, or some variant of that) and if you don't have your ass in gear the time it expires, tough shit. I believe gays should have the right to marry just like anyone else. I believe in a flat tax. I believe in euthanasia (under certain circumstances, of course). I believe the government should keep its fucking nose out of what I post online. I think affirmative action is bullshit. I think cops are getting way too taser happy. I believe racial profiling can work in some situations. I believe we've accomplished just about all we're ever going to accomplish in Iraq, and just like welfare, if the Iraqi government can't stand on its own by now, then tough shit. I would open the flood gates on stemcell research. I believe our veterans have been abandoned. I think there is something fundamentally fucked up about partial birth abortion. I don't think it shoudl be easier to get a drivers license than it is to board an airplane. I think the only way we're going to break our oil dependency is to make owning a Hummer too cost prohibitive and owning a hybrid too good to pass up. I believe warrantless wiretaps would have our Founding Fathers marching down Pennsylvania avenue carrying torches and pitchforks, almost as fast as the thought of a border fence. I believe churches should have to pay taxes, just like anyone else. I believe if more people were allowed to carry handguns there's be less violent crime, but I don't see any reason why your average citizen needs to have a .50 caliber sniper rifle or an AK-47. I think the embargo on Cuba should have been lifted a long time ago. I believe the Ballistic Missile Defense Shield should be created in cooperation with the Russians. I think marijuana should be legal. I believe that when I get my blood pressure and pulse taken, have the doc take a listen with his stethoscope, and then get a bill for $379... something is wrong. I think NAFTA is as asinine as suing a tobacco company because you have lung cancer. I believe the fact that our Constitution, Declaration of Independence, and laws are written in English, should stand for something.

Of course these are just the tip of the iceberg. My point being, I don't believe either the Republicans or Democrats have all the answers all the time. And hopefully, you're capable of thinking for yourself a little bit, and don't agree with all of my answers either.

Hi Ernie, Chris Rock testified this morning about he hired Anthony Pellicano to follow Monika Zsibrita, who was trying to get child support for a kid she claimed was Rock's. Her paternity suit was dropped after the blood test proved Rock was not the father. I wouldn't mind following her around myself! Cheers, Charley. Los Angeles

in the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit that's my kid. That's right, I'll admit anything just so long as you guys think I fucked her. Oh, and Nick did finally manage to get that screencap.

Far be it from me to meet you at the corner of Hippie Avenue and Treehugger Lane, but take a few minutes and watch this "TOXIC SERIES Garbage Island Part 1 of 12" where they're searching out the Pacific Ocean's mythical floating trash heap. It's pretty fucked up that they can actually go 'trawling for plastic' and come up with a container full of shit.

celebrities and their associated muppet lookalikes. carrot top = beaker.

flaherty's sister's secret life as a porn star. not so secret now, is it?


April 4, 2008

Smile For The Camera. Show Tits. Wait For Flash..

Old and busted: Israeli Army babes. The new hotness: Russian Army babes.

Want proof the economy is in recession? It looks like the guy from Superbad is stealing Netflix movies.

I love zombies. I love strippers. And the world's best movie is coming soon. That's right, Zombie Strippers. I just hope it has lots of boobs in it. W00t!

Just thought this sign was worth sharing…outside of a tobacco shop in Hutchinson Kansas. Jeff

So after having it for six months, what's my impression of Windows Vista? Well, this about sums it up.

And who's the Grand Poo-Bah in Boomstick? Why that would be Scott followed very closely by Cooch and Sam who actually tied -- something just about impossible to do in agame that scores down to the hundredths of a point. But hey, stranger things have happened, eh? Nick actually sent in a score of 2,554 but the image was too cropped to use. Sorry man, you take it in the, uh, you-know-what. Come back tomorrow for the next challenge.

peace in the middle east? oh yeah. oh yeah, that's right around the corner. don't sweat it. here's proof.

think you're a catch? take this quiz and find out how you measure up.



April 3, 2008

Breakin' The Law, Breakin' The Law.

There's a whole lot of fuckin goin' on. Not the kind you think, I mean the fuck-you kind. First, Jay looked at Jeremy and said, "Fuck you, man. I got 2,440." And thern Daniel? Danilel said, "Bitch please, I got a 2,446." And to that, Will just scoffed, because Will says he can can beat that in his sleep, which he did with a 2,461. But as soon as he got that out of his mouth, Cooch smacked him on the back of his head and posted his 2,472. And all the while, during all this shit-talking, Allen sat ther esilent, playing it cool with his 2,482. So it looks like the winner is going to be whoever breaks 2,500. But perhaps the funniest entry I received wasn't even an entry at all...

At 10:13 AM, Bill wrote: Hey Ernie. I cant seem to figure out how to do a screen capture but i did get a high score . if you look at the high scores im the one VW_NUTT EHOWA.COM.

At 10:15 AM, Bill wrote: never mind i just got bumped out

Two minutes, haha, thats funny. Sorry Bill, looks like the joke was on you. SPeaking of which, earlier in the week I posted The Cookiesheet Prank. Now, we have The Cookiesheet Prank Revenge. Because it's all fun and games until someone smacks my ass and calls me Charlie.

Auto ingenuity - observed in El Paso, Tx Feb 25, 2008. Kevin.

Hey Ernie, I absolutely love you site. I have been coming here since I was in high school. I am now currently in the Marines and have been for over 5 years now. Anyway my wife and I just came back from a trip to Vegas for my little sisters birthday and when we got back home I was going through our camera and found a picture of my wife cheating on me. The worst part about it is that there is another picture of my brother in law giving the guy a drink of beer and a high five afterwards. Anyway here are the pics. Love your site. Sgt Ellan

Having fun playing Boomstick? You're probably having only half the fun these K-9's did chasing two suspects down.

this page will calculate how long it will take to become a millionaire. of course, inflation could make a million dollars less impressive in the future.

this fucking idiot thinks he can find out what's behind secret military projected based upon their shoulder patches.


April 2, 2008

He Wondered Why They Called Him Asswipe.

Lots of submissions in the latest challenge, so in my effort to make sure everyone gets their fifteen minutes of fame, here are the current leaders in Boomstick... In second place we have Bowman with 1,016, who almost but not quite clipped Jeremy's 1,269. If you send in a score better than these, please remember to send them in non-cropped.

You have to see these Rihanna nipple slip photos! As exciting as it is though, I'm waiting for her to release a fully naked sex movie or at least a topless music video! Man, that girl was totally white trash, wasn't she?

You're at 38%. Need to step up the game brutha - Chris

[RE: April Fool's Day.] You goddamned prick. Kelly

Ernie, you dickhead, thanks for the April Fool's joke. I've checked out EHOWA for quite some time now and I knew it was coming, but I just couldn't help myself. It was like trying to pass an ambulance crew picking up a body off the street. I didn't WANT to look, but I HAD to look. I was like a mosquito or moth drawn to the blue light of a bug zapper only to be drawn in and meet my doom. Oh sure, I knew it was another clever prank by the great and powerful OZ (a.k.a. Ernie) but I just couldn't help myself. Also, thanks for choosing one of the most horrible songs on the planet to add to the torture. Thank God for the Ctrl Atl & Del keys. Slab - Georgia

Hey look, a picture of Yamaha's new Raptor 700R. It sure does look tough.

a hilarious muppet blooper video - the signs held up by the audience says it all - culled from fark!

file these away for next year - top ten computer and office related pranks to do on april fools...


April 1, 2008

The Origon Of April's Fools.

Ancient cultures, including those as varied as the Romans and the Hindus, celebrated New Year's Day on or around April 1. It closely follows the vernal equinox (March 20th or March 21st.) In medieval times, much of Europe celebrated March 25, the Feast of Annunciation, as the beginning of the new year. In 1582, Pope Gregory XIII ordered a new calendar (the Gregorian Calendar) to replace the old Julian Calendar. The new calendar called for New Year's Day to be celebrated Jan. 1. That year, France adopted the reformed calendar and shifted New Year's day to Jan. 1. According to a popular explanation, many people either refused to accept the new date, or did not learn about it, and continued to celebrate New Year's Day on April 1. Other people began to make fun of these traditionalists, sending them on "fool's errands" or trying to trick them into believing something false. Eventually, the practice spread throughout Europe.

There are at least two difficulties with this explanation. The first is that it doesn't fully account for the spread of April Fools' Day to other European countries. The Gregorian calendar was not adopted by England until 1752, for example, but April Fools' Day was already well established there by that point. The second is that we have no direct historical evidence for this explanation, only conjecture, and that conjecture appears to have been made more recently.

Another explanation of the origins of April Fools' Day was provided by Joseph Boskin, a professor of history at Boston University. He explained that the practice began during the reign of Constantine, when a group of court jesters and fools told the Roman emperor that they could do a better job of running the empire. Constantine, amused, allowed a jester named Kugel to be king for one day. Kugel passed an edict calling for absurdity on that day, and the custom became an annual event. "In a way," explained Prof. Boskin, "it was a very serious day. In those times fools were really wise men. It was the role of jesters to put things in perspective with humor." This explanation was brought to the public's attention in an Associated Press article printed by many newspapers in 1983. There was only one catch: Boskin made the whole thing up. It took a couple of weeks for the AP to realize that they'd been victims of an April Fools' joke themselves.

the top ten hottest celebrity nipple hard-on videos - including my honey, eliza dushku...

comcast hd quality reduction: details, screenshots... no wonder why discovery sucks lately...


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