E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

catchinraysonthebeach - cellphonesneak - frozeninplace - mynewmechanic

meet your 2008 presidential candidates - who votes for what, where, when, and why - vote stemcells baby, stemcells

I'm Flat Out Of Ideas For Today.

Oh my God, all I hear on the radio and see on the television is iPhone this and iPhone that. Fuck man, just give me back my Newton, and I'll be happy.

Okay, so the last game challenge was a complete and total flop. Nobody could make it past level 2. So I'm going to cut off the game that was Missile Maze and we're going to move on to something new. At first I was going to symbolize everything going to shit but since there's no score, rejected that idea. So come back tomorrow and find something to play.

Got Some Company So Just Quick Links Today.

acoupleofpizzas - bettycrockermix - braveheartnofreedom - cumintheshower - nobirdsnesthere

so just how cool is apple's new iphone when compared to other phones on the market? well, let's take a look...

ever wonder how the creators of your favorite comic strips came up with the idea? uncle john got curious and did some research...

There Are Two Rules For Success In Life:

Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

Game time. It's called Missile Maze, while admittedly I have no idea where they came up with that title from, given that you move around a little dot that looks nothing like a missile. Level one is actually harder than level two or three, so after x-amount of times of running into the wall and seeing your little dot spray out flowers, you will get frustrated. You will call for help. You may even pray for help. But you will certainly get pissed, trust me. You will slam your fist on your desk. You may even slam your keyboard. I'm serious, I almost fucking broke mine before I got to level two. I wanted to fucking kill somebody. But please don't shoot anything, though. And good luck!

Ah, the beloved A-10 with it's GAU-8 30mm cannon, how I love thee.

Oh. Will Ferrel and the little girl, Pearl, are at it again. This time it's a game of Good Cop, Baby Cop.

take a ride on the world's fastest zip line, located in south-africa.

let's all take a minute to remember peter wilson. a youngman taken before his time.

Gotta Go! Gotta Go!

Elipsis. You know, when scores started coming in with over 1,000,000 points I was like wow. But then before I knew it, I had twenty with at least that many. And thus I had to narrow it down. The cutoff went to one and a half million. And then two million. And the runner up? Tom G with 2,457,625. And I thought he was going to kick ass... until Natham came along with 4,608,475. Notice each has EHOWA in their player names!

Good news: "Tony Sr watches proudly through the lens as his son displays skilled marksmanship... " Bad news: "I wasn't sure he was hit until I saw him stagger down the hill and when I got closer, saw the blood streaming down his face. At this point, I knew something had gone horribly wrong..." -- Ya think?

Okay, we've all seen enough LOLCATS to make you want to blow your brains out, so someone took it to the next level. It's called LOLBLACKS. But before you do, let me be a little proactive. A reader, Nick, sent them in. No, he didn't create them. Yes, they're horribly offensive. No, I won't take them down. No, I don't know where they came from. Yes, I even tried a Google search for their origin. Yes, I'd be happy to give the original creator(s) credit. No, I don't care if they offend you. There, I think that just about covers everything.

No way, man. If a gator comes after Ike... it's on. A fight to the death. Man against beast. I'm either going to end up gator shit at the bottom of the pond, or I'll be sportin a sweet new pair of boots. And if he eats me, well that's okay, it's Darwinism. The strongs shall survive. But ain't no gator gettin my dog.

webmasters, convert your images to html. yep, you heard me.

well this blog rating site sure sucks balls. it says i'm rated g. as in for general audiences. ha!

This Might Surprise You.

You know what? Good news: I'm going to do something totally uncharacteristic for me, and defend someone. That's right. And to make it even better, that someone is a person you wouldn't expect. Yep, I'm going to defend America's favorite Italian Douchebag: Joey Porsche! Err ...sorry, Joey Carrera as he likes to be called now. And I'm going to defend him for two reasons.

First, let's presume that he's pulling down half, nah let's say even a quarter -- a quarter -- of the pussy he'd like you to believe. That's still not bad, because you have to admit there are a couple of cute little whores in his pictures. Think you can do that good? And let us ask ourselves: if this douchebag can get all dressed up, go out looking like an orange Veruca Salt and can still manage to find his way into a hotbox or two... is it really his fault? No. I'll tell you whose it is - it's the stupid fucking girls', that's who. Girls, you spoiled everything.

And second, because I think the last laugh is going to be on us. Sooner or later, some marketing company is going to realize that ol Joey Carrera is internet gold. And they're gonna sign his pink lipped puss to a big fat fucking contract. And then we'll be sitting back and watching in slow motion as he cashes check after check for hocking suntan oil, British Knight sneakers, knockoff sunglasses, and other sorts of dumb shit. Sure, it may only be 15 minutes of fame... but if you can fuck like a bunny and make a lot of fucking money in those 15 minutes.

You mark my words. Internet gold, Jerry. Internet gold.

all you ever wanted to know about hollywood prostetic makeup, but were afraid to ask (or see!)

so what's the live gas price scene look like in your neck of the woods? i'm moving to caracas!

so what's the live crime scene look like in your neck of the woods? just a car accident near me.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

more joey porsche... because that's what happens... when guidos attack!

anotherduivictim - livinthehighlife - porschecaymanvsauditt - wantmorebeads - waterslidefreakout

here's the first parody of the first teaser for the new upcoming microsoft surface!

Busy. Busy. Busy. Busy. Busy. Busy. Busy. Busy.

Today is a trip to the bank, the hardware storee, and the DMV so alas... not much time to get all wordy.

snake fight: cobra vs python... who's your money on? hint: cobras have poison

how to piss off robert deniro in 30 seconds. and no, he's not selling cars

Your Turn.

A computer simulation of the September 11, 2001, attack on the World Trade Center, posted on the Web site YouTube by Purdue University researchers, shows how hijacked planes crashed through the twin towers, stripping fireproofing materials from the steel columns and eventually leading to their collapse. The 3-D animation, part of a Purdue study that took two and a half years to complete, will hopefully help engineers design safer buildings, researchers said.

Okay, everyone with an outdated, archaic view on the fundamentals of embryonic stem cell research, pandering not the majority of the very people you are entrusted to serve, but instead to your religious minority base... raise your hand.

I get frustrated every thime this happens so I'll just turn the mic over to...

Game Challenge. At first, I was going to do Mars Patrol but while it is fun, realized you can quickly chew up 30+ minutes playing it. Not everyone has that amount of time to spend on a game ...cough...cough...at work...cough... so I decided on another game instead. It's reminiscent of a game we played a few weeks ago, Luminara, which did pretty well. So pumping up the "trippppppyyyy" factor, it's Elipsis. And you have to beat 78,725, although when I tried to submit my score to Armor Games, I received some complicated script error.

christmas bukkake - subway bukkake

39 ways to live, and not merely exist. i'll add #40 as "drink more beer"

good news: here's 6 minutes from die hard 4. bad news: it's from japan so it's a little slow. don't worry, it's in english and has lots of gunfire

Yeah, It's The Claw, See.

Raw video of a disaster during a car show parade on June 16, 2007 in Selmer, TN. In the accident, a drag racing car participaing in the parade attempts to do a burnout, goes out of control, and plows into a crowd of people. Seven people died in the accident. Squishie, squishie.

Final scores in Billiards Blast. Taking it up the rear in third is Jim with 1605. He's being tooled by Bill with 1626, who happens to be catching for Roger with 1756. I'll repost the link fo rth enext game tomorrow, but I'm sure you mcan find it on your own!

Here in America, the biggest rivalries are the Red Sox vs the Yankees. The Cowbows vs the Steelers. Over in the UK, where soccer (oh excuse me, "football") is big, it's Manchester vs Liverpool. But when they do play it sure is one big fucking party.

Think LA cops are quick with the baton? Russian cops will beat your ass until they get tired. And that takes about five minutes by my watch. It'll be awhile before he plays soccer again.

add one paper towel roll, two strips of duct tape, some hairspreay, a lighter and a ping pong -- good clean fun

So Long Guys, We Hardly Knew Ye.

While those valiant nine do not, rest assured that the spirit of Ferris Bueller seems to live on in all of us. Almost reminds me of Worcester.

Oral sex can get pretty tricky sometimes... one wrong turn and you're in deep shit. Literally. Sometimes it's best to seek the advice of a professional. And if that doesn't work, you can always become a lesbian.

It's all fun and games when you fuck with your dog from far away. But sooner or later, the dog always catches up with you.

Even girls admit they snoop through your stuff. So you can either listen to that chick or Gene Simmons, it's up to you.

We're going to need backup down here, I've found a gun.

here's a complete map of the star wars galaxy. i found hoth and endor (bottom left) and tatooine (bottom right) ... but the rest, ah la lost me obi wan

alternate endings to the sopranos finale. i like the one where they mixed in the atomic bomb

Put On Your Thinking Cap For A Second Here!

A 1997 Lincoln Mark VII LSC -- Whatcha think... anyone ever owned a car like that before? Any special Lincoln trials or tribulations I should be aware of?

Your loved one is kidnapped and fearing for their life, you go to the police. There are two detectives available for a new case... who do you want out there pounding the streets on your behalf? Detective Vic Mackey or Detective Andy Sipowicz?

You've got the chance to travel the entire world and have beautiful girls from every culture literally fall down on their backs and spread their legs for you. The last thing you need is some ball and chain coming with you and spoiling your fun, right? . Unless of course, that ball and chain is Jessica Biel? Then what the fuck do you do?

You want to have your nearsightedbess fixed. Do you opt for LASIK and let the doc use what amounts to a fucking lightsaber on your eye? Or have them slice a hole with a cigar cutter and stuff in a fucking lens?

This hilarious 30-minute homage to the "Star Wars" universe was produced with the help of George Lucas himself! The voice cast also includes Conan O'Brien, Seth MacFarlane and Hulk Hogan. - Thanks Gerard!

Wow, I had no idea Chuck Fucking Norris was such a Bible thumbper. All of his articles are "God-this" and "Almighty-that". Kind of disappointing, actually.

So, the latest Game Challenge (not to be confused with a taste challenge) is, to quote Breanne, "this game is fucking hard!" And right now, Enrique has the highest, although Jim sent in one with 1,400+ but it was too cropped down to use. I've asked him to resend it, so we may see him in the near future. Unless of course, someone else scores 1,500+.

From the "Yeah, That's All I Need" Department.

you british chicks sure do have it made... now if they only had mydentish.org...

view any major league baseball season, split by league or division (even wild card races), as an animated, date-by-date race between the various teams you choose

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

so long Retired Air Force Brigadier General Robin Olds, we hardly knew ye... but i know some fuckin' gooks that sure did!

the 50 united states renamed for countries with similar gross domestic products. all of canada? yeah, you're texas. eh.

Today Is Choo-Choo Appreciation Day!

Actual CNN Headline: "4 teens die as stolen SUV slams into idle train". Now read that carefully. It's not, "4 teens die as MOVING TRAIN slams into STOLEN SUV". No, sir'ee Bob! It's the other way around. Huge, enormous, big-as-a-two-story-building freight train just sitting there idle, minding it's own business. Doing whatever it is that freight trains do to relax when they're not hauling freight... smoking a cigaratte... sipping on some diesel... hitting on the cabooose. And along come these kids in a stolen Jeep -- two 15 year olds up front, and four, count them, four 14 year olds in the back -- and WHAM! The drive said stolen Jeep into said stationary train. All four in the back are killed, while the two up front including the driver survive. (Queue airbag commercial)

Now, whose fault it is that this happened? Is it the driver of the stolen Jeep? Noooo. Is it the kids in back for choosing to take a ride in a stolen vehicle? Nooooo. How about the parents who raised kids that would (a) steal a vehicle or (b) take a joyride in a stolen vehicle? Nooo.

So then whose fault is it? Why it's ours of course! Because we chose to make a dangerous railroad crossing, duh!

So now, train company and the town will have to run a gauntlet of legal battles, probably end up paying out millions of dollars settlements. And why? Because these kids just couldn't help themselves from stealing a Jeep and driving into a stopped train. That's right folks. That high pitched cry you just heard was the sound of personal responsibility taking a knee to the nuts for the last time.

While I'm sure you have a very nice family, Dave, perhaps next time your brother might want to solicit help from his friends instead of a throwing himself upon the Honda sword. There's no shame in walking!

the gulag archipelago in romania: the story no one has told before

thou shalt not try to domesticate wild elephants and beat them with sticks when they don't do what you want

Yuk, Yuk, Yuk!

According to a new study, 99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like women. ---Conan O'Brien

"Yes," the English Lord told his guest, "everything in this castle was built the hard way. Life is not worth living without challenge! The land on which it was raised? A swamp. I had it drained and filled with rocks and timber. These beams," he gestured grandly, "came from trees cut from woods in Spain. The stone was quarried in Africa under the very eyes of cannibals." Just then a beautiful young woman walked over. The English Lord announced, "This is my daughter Elizabeth." Returning the guest's curious stare, the English Lord confided, "Yes... on a horse in a raging thunderstorm."

A feminist should open her mouth on only two occasions; the second being when she thanks me for allowing her to suck my dick.

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked. "Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dock into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust." "Shit, that sounds terrible", Ed said. "What business were you in?" "I sell good luck charms," said Ted.

I was on the way to work this morning and I ran into the back of a car at some traffic lights. The other fella driving got out and started running back and it turns out he's a dwarf! He runs up to my window and says "I'm not happy"... I said "Well which one are you then?"

While I wish to God I understood whatever the hell it was this Spanish girl is saying, it simply doesn't add up for me. But I presume it can be loosely translated as, "Ernie I want to fly to Florida, catch a cab to your house, make you a big sandwich, blow you, clean your bathroom, and then leave." Prove me wrong.

More crazy Japanese television. Now I'm not saying this treadmill challenge is too physically demanding on the contestants, I'm just saying it took a black guy to finally complete it. You draw your own conclusions on that one.

triumph the insult comic dog makes a visit to the 61st annual tony awards. judd hirsch? jeff daniels? who the fuck are these people

do you get pissy every time you have to wait in line at disney? well let's see you keep the tower of terror running smoothly!

Braaaaaaaaaains! Braaaaaaaaaains! Braaaaaaaaaains!

Okay this video I just had to post. It's of a suicide bomber somewhere in Iraq and as you might imagine is pretty graphic (duh!). But anyway, he wasn't a very good suicide bomber and you'll be very relieved to know he only succeeded in blowing his own leg off. But that's not why I'm posting it. I'm posting it because as I'm watching it and the guy is grasping up with one outstretched hand, I'm thinking, "Holy shit, this could be a great scene from a zombie movie!" Well am I right, or am I right? Here's some more Iraq footage, but alas, no more zombies.

A little known trivia fact from The Godfather: In order to elicit the most realistic reaction from the studio head Jack Woltz (played by John Marley), director Francis Ford Coppola actually used a real horse's head, aquired from a dog food factory, to film the infamous bedroom scene. And what did they do with it after filming completed? I dunno, you tell me.

Super Mouse. Who's the Super Duperest of them all? Why that'd be Nathan with 42,700 and he's got proof pictures, too. He also sent in a score of him with...

Well, since nobody else even came close, I wouldn't sweat it. The next challenge has me torn. I've narrowed it down to two games and can't pick between them for the life of me. But being a decisive fellow that I am, I'm going to go with Blast Billiards. It's a pool game with a twist: you're not knocking in billiard balls, but little time bombs. Run out of time, and you 'asplode. Scratch the cue ball, and you 'asplode. Bump into one of the bombs that begin on level three, and you 'asplode. NOTE: while the game does track your best score to date, only the screen cap from your current game will be accepted. Example: I've played 7 games of Blast Billiards this morning, reaching a high score of 627 on my second game. But since I didn't grab a screen capture then, this most recent score of 312 won't do the trick of proving I shot a 627. If I wanted to enter that 627, I should have grabbed the screen cap after that game, so both the current game and high game scores matched, like they do with my current high score of 1045. If you don't understand what I'm trying to explain, then you're too fucking stupid to play my Game Challenges anyway, so screw.

Wow. Those two girls sure are some interesting motherfuckers, aren't they? That one gfirl is almost as hot as Natalie Riedmann, the tutor from Tommy Lee Goes To College. I actually liked that show. But given it only made six episodes before getting yanked, I presume I was the only person watching it.

and people in new orleans wonder why nobody wants to help then anymore. why do we need to, you have no problem helping yourselves...

presidential approval ratings for the last fifty years. jfk was doing well right up until, well, you know they shot him.

Method Number 2,395 To Immediately Piss Ernie Off For The Rest Of The Fucking Day.

Spend as mush time looking over the fucking menu board at McDoanlds as you would picking out a life insurance policy. Surely your fast food lunch is a life changing event that requires some serious consideration. People, it's fucking McDoanlds and some of us have things to do. We've all eaten there before and the menu never changes. They've got Big Macs, Quarter Pounders, Chicken McNuggets, and french fries. The one down the road from your work has Big Macs, Quarter Pounders, Chicken McNuggets, and french fries. The one on I-77 through Pennsylvania? It's got Big Macs, Quarter Pounders, Chicken McNuggets, and french fries. The one that's open 24 hours that you like to hit after a night of partying with your friends? It's got Big Macs, Quarter Pounders, Chicken McNuggets, and french fries. They're all the fucking same. There are no surprises. In fact, let's be honest. The Big Mac is really just a Quarter Pounder with Thousand Island dressing. It's all the fucking same. You should be able to decide what you're going to order by the time you parked your fucking car.

In your lifetime you're going to eat over 25,000 lunches. If you wanted a life altering meal you can write home to mom about, you should have gone someplace else. The fact that you went to McDoanlds means you're in a fucking hurry, as are the rest of us who are unfortunate enough to be trapped in line behind you. I don't think years from now you're going to be laying on your deathbed, wishing one of those lunches had been a Filet'o'Fish instead of a six piece McNuggets with honey mustard dipping sauce. Just fucking order something before I stick this fucking plastic fork into your juggular and dip my fries in your fucking neck, you fucking asshole.

Good, fuck them. Bunch of white-washing, propoganda spewing cocks. I've yet to see them approach a situation without bias and all they ever do is stir up trouble for everyone else.

There you have it folks, wear your fucking seat belts. Especially if you live in Australia. As for me? Fucfk you guys, I'm jumping in my Porsche and going bowling.

i'm from valve, give me your username and password. uh no, actually i'm from valve, so you give me your username and password...

david chase speaks about the abortion that was the series finale of sopranos. no he really doesn't say anything useful.

Well, I Thought The Ending Sucked Ass, How About You?

My prediction was Phil's guys were going to whack Tony, and good ol Paulie Walnuts was going to exact revenge, whack Phil, and end up taking over both families. At least that would have been exciting. But to end the entire blood filled series with a basket of fucking onion rings? And Paulie going out like a big puss bag? C'mon, what a let down. And Jesus Christ, is asking for whining, sniveling AJ to burn to death in a vehicle fire too much to ask for? I don't think so. Maybe a return of Furio? And what about Agent Harris? He gets to bang some hot chick and we don't even get to see her tits? What the fuck? I watch the Sopranos to see action, not parallel parking. Overall, I give it an F , with the only redeeming quality being the truck that ran over Phil's head. Do you want to know how to write a series finale? Watch the one for NYPD Blue, or Six Feet Under -- now those are fucking finales! Just goes to prove what I've been saying for the past three years... The Sopranos peaked at season one, and has been steaming downhill ever since. Damn you David Chase, I want my hour back. I'm terribly disapopointed.

So it's embarssing enough to have your new SUV reposessed because your broke ass can't make the payments. But to have the repo man toss you on your fat ass, and record the whole thing on camera? Now that's just good clean humor.

Well, it looks like not all of us were happy to see Paris Hilton go back to jail. In fact I'm pretty sure there's at least one guy out there, maybe two, who's pulling for her. Yeah, I know it's probably just a publicity stunt, but it's still funny.

remember the first time you ever watched star wars? me too. read this guy's blog of losing his star wars virginity

to hell with Duty, Honor, Country... the nerds have a new motto now

And The Airbus? Yeah It Nosedives Into Dense Neighborhoods.

January 10, 1964, started out as a typical day for the flight test group at Boeing's Wichita plant. Pilot Chuck Fisher took off in a B-52H with a three-man Boeing crew, flying a low-level profile to obtain structural data. Over Colorado, cruising 500 feet above the mountainous terrain, the B-52 encountered some turbulence. Fisher climbed to 14,300 feet looking for smoother air. At this point the typical day ended.The bomber flew into clear-air turbulence. It felt as if the plane had been placed in a giant high-speed elevator, shoved up and down, and hit by a heavy blow on its right side. Fisher told the crew to prepare to abandon the plane. He slowed the aircraft and dropped to about 5,000 feet to make it easier to bail out. But then Fisher regained some control. He climbed slowly to 16,000 feet to put some safety room between the plane and the ground. He informed Wichita about what was happening. Although control was difficult, Fisher said he believed he could get the plane back in one piece.

Response to the situation at Wichita, and elsewhere, was immediate. An emergency control center was set up in the office of Wichita's director of flight test. Key Boeing engineers and other specialists were summoned to provide their expertise. Federal Aviation Administration air traffic control centers at Denver and Kansas City cleared the air around the troubled plane. A Strategic Air Command B-52 in the area maintained radio contact with the crew of the Wichita B-52. As Fisher got closer to Wichita, a Boeing chase plane flew up to meet him and to visually report the damage. When Dale Felix, flying an F-100 fighter, came alongside Fisher's B-52, he couldn't believe what he saw: The B-52's vertical tail was gone. Felix broke the news to Fisher and those gathered in the control center. There was no panic. Everyone on the plane and in the control center knew they could be called upon at any time for just such a situation. In the emergency control center, the engineers began making calculations and suggesting the best way to get the plane down safely. The Air Force was also lending assistance. A B-52, just taking off for a routine flight, was used to test the various flight configurations suggested by the specialists before Fisher had to try them. As high gusty winds rolled into Wichita, the decision was made to divert the B-52 to Blytheville Air Force Base in Northeastern Arkansas. Boeing specialists from the emergency control center took off in a KC-135 and accompanied Fisher to Blytheville, serving as an airborne control center.

Six hours after the incident first occurred, Fisher and his crew brought in the damaged B-52 for a safe landing. "I'm very proud of this crew and this airplane," Fisher said. "Also we had a lot people helping us, and we're very thankful for that." The B-52, Fisher said, "Is the finest airplane I ever flew."

Current leader in Super Mouse is Nathan with 21k. Presuming you don't beat him yourself.

paroleviolation - redneckbunnygirl - spellingoops - vadersaysfyou

so who do you think does better burnouts... tim allen or jay leno? hint: it's not the v-6

Awww, Thank You For Noticing!

Before I get into some reader phonecam shots, I just wanna touch upon the last Game Challenge real quick. Representin' you, me and the rest of EHOWA we have Dorge with 128,510, followed very closely by Bunny with 127,940. I wanna party with you, Bunny! Although if your name ended with an "-ie", you'd be just a little trashy, and I like that. Anyway, with Extreme Luge dead and buried, let's move on to something else. Another mouse skill game, but a little more light hearted and you won't go into an epileptic siezure if you play this one too long. You're a mouse. Literally. A Super Mouse. And you have to save your girlfriend, because like all women, she's a pain in the ass. Sorry Bunny. You are, Super M and you have to beat 3,350. But if you can't do it, don't give up. Ronald gave up and he hasn't been the same since.

Here's a leaked scene from Fantastic Four II, where Sue (Jessica Alba) meets the Silver Surfer. Their interaction is brief, but towards the end you'll see the HUMVEEs are no more useful against intergalactic visitors than they are against IEDs.

Now - living proof on why all of you should have cell phones with cameras and why you should send me random pictures throughout your day...

Mmmmm, Slovak chicks. Probably the one ones on Earth hotter than Israeli chicks. Anyway, here's a photo essay of what different familes throughout the world eat in one week. People in Chad exist on $1.23 per week -- haha! I may be an asshole but you're poor! And you Germans, wow! You people are some expensive food eating motherfuckers.

P.S. Wow.

well, prepare for indiana jones 4 to only be half as cool as we thought it would be

i love to read 'how stuff works' as much as the next guy, but do we really need this explained?

Let's Talk About My Camera Phone.

And believe it or not, this is actually a post I've wanted to do for some time now, because I'm rather proud of how my phonecam works with the site. I'm not depending on Flickr, I'm not depending on some SQL databse, I'm just using good old DOS. And for any of you who don't know what DOS is, fuck you. So anyway, the camera phone is kind of a window into my life. Sometimes you can live vicariously through me, and sometimes you just can't. But you'll always learn things. I like dogs. I like booze. I like boobs. But before I get into all that, we'll start with the basics. Everyone always asks what kind of phone I have, since it takes fairly decent pictures...

My phone is an LG VX8100 which is nothing too fancy, but was the bee's knees when it first came out a little over a year and a half ago. In fact, I'm due for my "New Every Two" plan with Verizon in July. I don't think this VX8100 takes any better pictures than any of the other phones on the market today. While the flash absolutely eats cock - which is why you rarely see any night time photos because they always turn out like this -- the 1.3 megapixel resolution does take some nice photos and is a big step up from the first generation phonecam I had when I started doing this. I would say my biggest complaint is the 1/2 second delay from when I push the buttom to the time it wactually takes the photo. That doesn't sound like much, but does lead to shots like this. Anyway, I think my next phone will be an LG VX990 enV both because it has a 2.0 megapixel camera plus the QWERTY keyboard will make my nerdiness just that much easier (I'll be able to check my email from the bar). I had kicked around the Samsung U740 bit with there being two swivel points, worry about the phone's durability. Samsung has also come out with a 3.0 megapixel camera phone, but I don't know anyone that has it. I guess I'll chew that food when I have to.

Ahhh, yes. While I'll aldmit the Florida lifestyle does fit me very comfortably, it's not all fun and games here in camera land. Believe it or not, I do occasionally get some practical use out of it. While only the top twelve photos are shown on the menu, and the top twenty on the "more..." section, they're all still physically on the server so I have somewhat of a pictorial history of my life. Every once in awhile I sneak in photos that I use later behind the scenes, with nobody being none the wiser. Take for example my car. How many miles do I put on per my car per year? Well, let me see... 33,333 - 35,000 - 41,719 - 45,729 - 47,791. Or how about the warranty on my pool heater? Five years from date of installation on on November 22nd, 2004. Or how about the warranty on my truck's fuel pump? Well that's be 12 months from when it was done on December 7th, 2006.

Showoff. Anyway, let's take a walk down memory lane, shall we?

Highlights from 2004 - The first picture to test things out just before Thanksgiving - got (and beat) a speeding ticket - went ATV'ing in the mud - TG broke the back window to his truck - watched gas spike to $2.03 a gallon - and here's proof that i've hated a-rod for a long time now.

The year 2005 saw me move from MA to FL - my tv broke on Feb 2nd and cost me $400 to fix it - i caught one coworker on the shitter and another two weeks later and another a few days after that - i visited the Smithsonian in DC on April 4th and saw the flag that was draped over the Pentagon and touched genuine WTC steel - when I sent this picture of Paul Ray Smith's headstone live from Arlington and you were seeing it as I was standing there - and eactly when I decided to quit my job and move - Michael Jackson aquitted of all charges - TG drank a little too much the night before - watched a life flight come in - I broke my foot on July 21st - my very first Florida sunset in my new house - the movers absolutely pummeled my stuff - Hurricana Wilma: getting ready, mid storm, neighbor's pool cage - I lost a tree - here's when my roommate stepped on a rake - Puddy came puddy came for a visit... oh, and I got my brother too.

2006 was certainly a busy year - bought my nova - went to the swamp buggy races - friends visited and we went deep sea fishing although not all of us had sea legs - bowled like a rock star - replaced carpets in the nova and drove it to daytona bike week and had good times - that is, until the brakes failed ands i had to get towed - betrayed by that rat fuck johnny damon - so i got my ccw - my old boss paul came to visit - then i went to vegas and bought my dad some Elvis glasses - and I almost hit it big. almost - got my hip MRI'd (that sucked!) - then the hot water heater died - pauls going away party (different paul) - had the brake line in my truck fail, too. went to a pet store - went to a rock concert - almost bought a dodge charger - almost bought a plymouth gtx - did buy some steaks - bought my 2-Pac shirt - knocked baby rats out from tree and took them to c.r.o.w - went to oktoberfest - had my tile floors cleaned, carpets replaced and new furniture delivered - made friends with Howard the Duck - rode a rollercoaster (live action shot too!) - watched my nephew play hockey - and finally, watched Saddam play dead

Shall we touch upon 2007? Eh, maybe tomorrow. My fingers hurt from all this copying and pasting. But real quick for those of you who asked, yes I was getting kissed by a Pit Bull in this photo. And no, I don't think they're any more dangerous than any other dog out there. They're just dogs. Treat them nice and they play. Treat them mean and they attack like any other animal. It's that simple.

But anyway, there you have it folks. The inner workings of my camera phone. What I plan to do in the near future is open up a section for you, Humble Reader, to post your camera phone pictures to EHOWA too. From the cops to the EMTs, to the pilots, to the construction workers to the bartenders... we ought to get some pretty good shit up here. As before, I've laid out the behind the scenes crap of how it actually works back in the June 2006 post here. Everything posted then is still valid now, so go nuts!

Oh by the way, I told ya.

the world's worst 20 dictators - being this is mainstream media, i'm surprised dubya isn't on there somewhere

the vomeronasal organ, extrinsic ear muscles, subclavius muscle, plantaris muscle, neck rib and other various useless organs

Soldiers' Stories of D-Day: Roger Airgood

My name is Roger Airgood and live in Lafayette, IN. Today's date is October 24, 1992. I was born in Indiana on March 1, 1921. I entered the Army Air Corps at Chanute Field, IL on May 22, 1939. I remained in the service until going into inactive reserves on October 19, 1945.

I was a twin-engine pilot flying C-47s as a second Lieutenant. At Chanute Field, I was a radio operating instructor and a teletype maintenance instructor until I entered pilot training in June 1942. I received my wings and commission on March 20, 1943. Then I was assigned to Troop Carrier training in Alliance, Nebraska and Maxton, North Carolina. We arrived in Bottesford, England in January 1944 then moved to Membury Field in Berkshire. We had several practice missions with airborne, both paratroopers and glider infantry. About June 4th, we were restricted to base and briefed on the pending missions. There was no outgoing mail. On the afternoon of the 4th after the briefing, all flight personnel were segregated from the non-flying personnel.

Also on the 4th, black and white paint was used to paint the invasion strips on the aircraft. The purpose of the invasion stripes was to aid naval forces in identifying allied aircraft. On the evening of the 4th, the mission was postponed. For several days the airborne troops had been moved onto our base and slept on cots in the hangars. They were sweating out the mission also under severe restrictions. On June 5th we proceeded on schedule on double daylight time. All crews and airborne reported to their aircraft at 2200 hours. This provided about 40 minutes to help load the paratroopers and check out the aircraft. We had to help load the heavily burdened paratroopers. All had leg packs tethered to their waists. These packs would be lowered after the jump so the sacks weighing 40 to 80 pounds would hit the ground first.

On June 5th we proceeded on schedule on double daylight time. All crews and airborne reported to their aircraft at 2200 hours. This provided about 40 minutes to help load the paratroopers and check out the aircraft. We had to help load the heavily burdened paratroopers. All had leg packs tethered to their waists. These packs would be lowered after the jump so the sacks weighing 40 to 80 pounds would hit the ground first. We had worked with the airborne before and they were cocky, unruly characters but this time they were very serious. A couple of them had us lace the strap from their backpacks so they would have to cut the strap to get out of the chute.

We started the engines at 2240 and taxied into take-off position so we could get the planes up and in a V of Vs formation very quickly. Take-off was at 2300. We had a very precise route to follow over the channel and across Normandy. The return route brought us back over the out-bound route. Although we experienced many night formations with paratroopers in the States and in England, the plan for getting the troops to the Drop Zones in Normandy was the most complex and ambitious mission we had ever faced. There were several changes in altitude and direction over the course. There were no check points from the IP to the DZ to aid in maintaining the desired course. The pathfinders who were supposed to be on the DZ did not reach the area and no signals were emitted.

Read the rest of Lieutenant Airgood's story and many others in the "Soldiers' Stories" link below. Remember D-Day.

for the fourth straight year, sports illustrated ranks the 50 top-earning American athletes. fuck you, johnny damon

what do most bostonians think of a-rod? well, the burly sports show explains and it rhymes with duckhead!

Ain't She Just A Cutie?

So being that I used to work in telecommunications, people often ask me how do GSM phones work? Well, you could read this long drawn out answer, but I prefer to just tell it like it is. After all, honesty is the best policy.

By now we've all seen the video of Mississippi Braves manager Phillip Wellman coming unglued at the seams. I'm not sure what caused the guy to crack like that, but he sure does put on a good show. Mmmmm, crack. It does a body good!

I've linked videos before of people doing extreme hillclimbs on motorcycles. They go up so far and either get stuck or tumble over backwards into pain and misery. But this is the first time I've seen people do it on snowmobiles. Because there's nothing quite as unnerving as pawing helplessly at a ski, straining to hold on only to watch as your $12,000 sled cartwheels down a hill and slam into a bunch of pine trees. No soft landing for you!!

Why no Bob, I hadn't. But I like you, two guys. Come over to my house and fuck my sister!

Oh and before I forget, the winner in Extreme Luge is Jim who managed to go 517 meters. How he did it, I dunno, but he did. Anyway, next is to test your skills at my favorite game in the whole wide world... Beer Pong! I played the easy level and made it to number 5 on todays top high scores with 38,510. You can also play this one full screen, which helps with your aim. I trust you can do better, yes?

before any of you chicks run out to get your tits done, you may want to reflect upon these...

the surface of the earth holds a little message for you. you just need to look a little closer...

Follow My Nose, It Always Knows.

Well you know it really pains my heart to have to do this but I have to publicly admit I was wrong. I bet my friend Flaherty (the one whose sister I tool on occasion), that there was no way Paris Hilton would be going to jail. No way. I was positive her money and influence would get her out of jail time. Evidence turning up missing. A cop recanting his statement. Something. I was absolutely sure that the wheels of justice would be greased with $100 bills. But alas, I was wrong, and off she goes. I'm absolutely speechless. I guess if you do the crime, you do the time after all.

Game Challenge. The current leader in Extreme Luge is Nathan with 323 meters. And I dunno if anyone else is goingto be able to top that, it's a lot harder than it looks! I caught Rick trying to send in a photoshopped score and he's stone cold busted.

Movies. Okay, so we already know I thought the last Pirates of the Carribean sucked ass. No lesbian scenes with Kiera Knightley. And yet it still managed to remain the number one movie this weekend. The number two movie was Knocked Up - anyone seen it? Will it make me smile? Or does it fall on its face? What? Somebody tell me.

historical sounds in mp3 format - including Ronald Reagan's entire D-Day speech. good shit man.

what if the message r2-d2 played for ben kenobi wasn't princess leia? what if it was something else...

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Are You Ready For The Next Evolution?

About a week ago, the folks at Google came up with the next evolution of online maps. First there was the overall street mapings; great for getting directions. Next came the satellite photos; neat for seeing planes in midair and that sort of entertaining stuff. And now we have Google Street View, which for now is only available in big metropolitan cities. Google evidently hired people to stand on street corners and pan a camcorder around, thus letting you actually take the point of view from someone standing on ground level. From there, you can stick your nose into all sorts of places it doesn't belong. I wondered how long it would take for bloggers to turn this into the next evolution of entertainment and the answer is? Not long. Here we can see people going into porn shops, leaving strip clubs, breaking into apartments, you name it. And I wonder how long it is until their footage is used to catch a cheating spouse, or identify a hit and run driver and Google gets sued for invasion of privacy? Not by the Soup Nazi, but by the Hash Brown Nazi.

I'm torn. Is this photo hot or not? Either way it's better than the photo I used for my Myspace page.

But I do hope Google heeds the warning signs though, because Street View really is a pretty neat feature. And we all know there's enough signs to go around, say for example, those selling illegal drugs probably shouldn't get involved with lawsuits with Fortune 500 companies? But doesn't that fall under the, "well duh!" category?

Business seems to be looking up. Don't believe me, see for yourself.

confessions of a former best buy employee - and you wonder why i do all of ehowa on an Emachine!