E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
jealous? click here to get your website on ehowa.com for as little as $5 per day
|January 31, 2007|
Evidently It's For You?
Ladies and gentlemen, I have found the coolest website on the... errr.. check that. Ladies and gentlemen, I have found the second coolest website on the internet, and it it called dangerouslyfun.com. Flammable bubbles? Vinegear grenades? What delicious goodness is this? I know, I had you at homopolar motor. Just don't use any of that shit the wrong way, because you know karma is a bitch. Thanks Matt!
So all this death and destruction gve me an idea for the next Game Challenge. This one needs a bit of explaining before I let you play, since it's definitely more of a thinking game than a reflex or gameplay type challenge. You are a virus. You kill people. You must adapt to both increase your infectability and lethality, spreading across global borders, with an ultimate goal to destroy all of mankind. Some of it it pretty intuitive... for example in order to infect water supplies, you have to be moisture resistant. Becoming communicable from animals to humans will increase the chance of being spread from one country to another. And the more people you kill, the more points you earn. The more points you earn, the more 'upgrades' you can get so you can adapt. The more you adapt, the more you kill. Lather, rince repeat. I will tell you the first 7-10 days all you really can do is click "Go!" in order to send a few people to heaven, and thus earn enough points for your first virus mutation. It will definitely take a few games before you get the hang of it. As for me, I can only manage to kill 86% of the world's population before some country shuts down its borders. I haven't figured out who yet. Anyway, give it a whirl and lemme know what you think. It's called Pandemic.
I just saw on your front page some pics from Denmark. I'm a Canadian living here in Denmark, and I've seen some pretty funny things! First of all, my favorite Thai restaurant in Copenhagen is called 'Porn Sak'. They've got awesome food there. I also attached a pic that I didn't take, but of a place called Karen's Klit. You can actually see many places called 'Klit', since it means a cliff. I have many pics of 'Slutspurt' signs as well, but you posted one of those on the front page. Slutspurt isn't a store name, it's just a sign meaning a sale is ending. There are lots of those signs around town! I sent a pic I took of a sign on a boat 'Fart Plan'. Also a town called Middlefart. Enjoy! Mitch
And thanks to everyone who wrote in last week and wished me well. I'm glad I'm feeling better, too.
an atlas of world faiths. you jews aren't doing too well
all this paris hilton exposed shit has got to end with an assload of lawsuits. well, lawsuits and trips to the doctor
|January 30, 2007|
We Got A Man Down! A Man Down!
Oh Jesus fucking Christ, here's the Kevin Federline Superbowl commercial. Now stop sending the damned thing in!
Hey Ernie, I just returned from a business trip to Helsingborg, Sweden and Copenhagen, Denmark, and couldn’t resist taking these pictures and emailing them to you. We of course had already had our evening’s share of drinking, so these were hilarious at the time. Asian Kock was a restaurant in Sweden, and Slutspurt was some kind of clothing store in Copenhagen. When I announced to my co-workers that I had to email the pics to a website I frequented (ehowa), one of them asked out of the blue “it wouldn’t be Ernie’s house of Whoopass would it?” Sure thing! -Marty
See that, everybody knows me. Speaking of which, last week Conan O'Brien did a skit called the Horny Manatee. Now is anyone else spooked out that the guy they have oogling the manatee on webcam kinda looks like me? That's fucked up man. I don't watch manatee, I watch the good hardsocre stuff, stuff with hot chicks and wet pussies. I mean sure I can change things around a bit, but I can't go that far.
A fatal shooting of a driver by a police officer was caught on tape in northern Minnesota. The dashcam video shows Minnesota State Patrol Trooper Bryan Carey talking with a driver in November. Carey wound up breaking the window and firing seven times. He said the driver refused to get out and pulled a gun. The driver died as a result of his injuries, authorities said. A report released this week cleared the trooper of wrongdoing and called the shooting justified. Authorities said the driver, Ronald Hannuksela, 50, was wanted on several warrants. Carey had recognized Hannuksela and pulled him over, police said. [watch the video]
I'll tell ya, being a cop is one job I don't envy. Shit man, even kids have guns nowadays. How they get started down that path, I dunno. But for me, I'll satisfy my Boy Scout Do-A-Good-Turn-Daily rule by helping out the occasional stranded motorist. Everyone else can fuck off and die for all I care. Well, except for Daizan because he beat his own score in Project Life, and Scott, who nudged Spolvy out for the crown in Crazy Pool.
god, i hate you tom brady. god, i hate you so so so much
we should all try so hard. so long barbaro, we hardly knew ye...
|January 29, 2007|
This Is Only A Test.
But, first a word from our Test Department:
This is a test. It is only a test. If this were not a test, it would not be called test. Therefore, it is still a test and only a test. This test is not to be confused with an emergency test. For that is an old test. Those who created this test need no embellishment for they have already passed this test and you need to pass this test as well.
If you received this test with prior notification that you were about to receive this test, then it would be safe to say that you too are part of this test. However, if you were not part of this test and received it, then you could pass this test to the person or persons who should have received this test on their behalf. If you want to take this test, then you are most welcome to take this test. The pathway to the success of this test leads the way to two kinds of constraints, those that pass the test and those that do not pass the test. However, if you fail this test it will go on record that you to have not succeeded in passing this test.
Please note that anyone not authorized to take this test, will be in violation of test requirements and therefore their participation in this test will be known as an invalid test. It is in the judgment of the test committee, that, test management immediately disqualifies all invalid tests. Empowered with this new understanding we could create more assertive tests. For those of you who have any questions about this test they should write them down and send them to the test committee whereby they will have a meeting to discuss the further possibilities of having still another test.
In the meantime, thank you for taking part in this test. This concludes this test.
Signed, Test Management Tester
newsflash! tweety bird has been confirmed as being female! you can tell by her camel toe
here are all five academy award nominees for best supporting actresses. oh and they're topless
|January 26, 2007|
Rock On With Your Bad Self.
So I watched The Ring last night. I guess I've got about a week to go before my visit from you know who. Wish me luck!
But before my untimely demise, I just wanted to get to a few emails that I've had hanging around. The second one is reallly late, so my apologies on that one. I've just been so busy showing Santa Claus around Florida on his offseason that posting these completely slipped my mind.
This video would be funny even if I didn't hate cats. Enjoy, Wade.
I went to get my monthly haircut at MCRD yesterday and look who I ran into, R. Lee Ermey!! He comes down to MCRD every year, he says, and campaigns a few days for Toys For Tots! Merry Christmas to all & Semper Fi, Jeff & Family
And now for a Game Challenge update. my ol pal Puddy sent in this score, which at first I thought was pretty good. No, he didn't win nor is he in the lead... I just wanted to make sure he was publicly humiliated by both Robin and then Daizan. So keep trying Puddy! And don't forget, Crazy Pool is still open as well, although only a completed game with a score over 5,136 will take the lead.
Important Safety Bulletin: The American Medical Association has announced a new national symbol for choking. First a reminder of the old symbol. Now we look at the new symbol. Please inform all of the people in your safety department.
And don't forget to keep viting in the Best Tits contest.
if you're like me and live on the coastline, use this tool to see how fast you'll drown. warning, very cpu intensive
watch this court-cam of an attorney getting busted showing up drunk to court. it's like watching a train wreck in very painful very slow motion
|January 25, 2007|
Boobies Make Your Day Brighter.
Thanks to my recent bout with the cooties, my ears have been plugged up for the past five days and I can't hear shit.
Take a closer look at the back-dated stock option scandal that's rocked american businesses over the past few years. nice 1:6,000,000,000 shot Kobi Alexander you piece of shit. I hope they send you to prison and you get gangraped by black guys all day long.
The winner of this week's first Game Challenge? Well, Crazy Wa came close, but in the end it was the man we calll Big Daddy who scored the highest. How the fuck you guys completed that game, I'll never know. That was a lot to worry about. But moving on, we now come to something just a little simpler. It's kill or be killed, eat or be eaten. It's the Project Life. Eat and avoid the bacteria, it's that simple. Go man, go. Because I sure as fuck have to score higher than that.
Well, time for me to split. The UPS girl is supposed to be making a delivery, assuming they don't end up in the canal again.
pop in your birthday and this calculator will tell you the exact day your mom got knocked up
|January 24, 2007|
Okay, blah-blah-blah, I could spend five minutes building this up, but let's get down to brass tacks, shall we? I am hereby opening VOTING IN THE BEST TITS 2006 CONTEST! The voting rules are pretty simple: You have to choose one contestant in all four categories (Best Nips, Most Perky, Best Implants, Best Tits) in order to have your vote counted and... you can vote once every 24 hours. Voting will continue for at least two weeks. Make sure you take a few minutes to thoroughly look over this year's entries before casting your vote! Thanks Casey!
I set up the voting stuff here. Last year's voting script sucked, it used text files so it got slow the more people voted. This one uses the database so it should run smooth like exlax. - Casey
I've been getting an assload of email asking when voting was going to start, and I know a lot of the ladies who entered were getting pretty impatient for me to get things rolling. I do offer my sincerest apologies, it wasn't my intent to dump on anyone. Oh, and at any time should you wish to check on the current voting results, just hit http://forums.ehowa.com/best_tits_2006/results.php?sid=28.
eh, not sure if i buy the whole 'an employee did it' line, but at least an apology was issued
ha, you never knew how eco-friendly ehowa was until you consider a black google would save 750 megawatts a year
|January 23, 2007|
A Little Something From My First Album
During the day today, I needed to swing past the drive-thru at my bank. I got there to find long lines, and resigned myself to spending a bit of time there. An inveterate people watcher, I began to inspect the cars around me for someone 'interesting' to watch. A quick scan of my neighbors found no attractive women to fantasize about. Damn. Better settle for weird. I looked to the car on my right, and lo, paydirt. The late-model Cherokee held three occupants, but, from the look of it, those three shared the intellectual capacity of perhaps one and a half. It appeared to be a mother with her two 'tard boys, out for a little excursion.
Mom wore the cares and sorrows of a woman twice her age in her wrinkled and frowning face. She gazed off into the sky, paying little attention to her two charges. Her eyes, in particular, were sad and worn looking. I wondered if she knew whether it was her defective genes, or hubby's that resulted in the outpouring of 'tard birth from her loins. Just wondering who to blame, you know. Anyway, imagine her pride on Mother's Day!
There were hints of an emerging trailer park queen about her, but she hadn't quite evolved to that point. She was woefully under the necessary heft and girth, and she had not yet graduated to a thrift-shop wardrobe. I am confident, however, that with a little focused effort, she could become a candidate for the Springer show within a year, two at most.
But, I digress. The stars of the show were clearly the boys. Both mongoloid, the one in the front seat looked much brighter than his brother, who sat behind mom. They both wore caps, and with a little neck craning, I could see that the hats bore their names in white iron-on letters. Perhaps they were souvenirs from a trip to a local fair, or, possibly part of mom's 'tard management strategy', in case she lost them at the mall. The one in the front seat was labeled "KENNY". His face narrower, his features less round, able to keep his mouth halfway closed, he appeared to be a higher functioning lad. He wore glasses, which lent a dignified and intellectual air to his countenance. He reminded me somewhat of the 'tard-boy that played in that "heartwarming" family TV show a few years back, except he wasn't quite as bright looking. I can't recall the name of the show, but I'm sure someone will. His brother, "TIMMY", looked as though he had been much more seriously shortchanged in the genetic material department. Timmy had the broad round face, vacant eyes and drooling open mouth of a true mongoloid. Less animated than Kenny, and slouching against the restraint of his shoulder belt, Timmy was clearly befuddled by most of what was around him.
As I stared over at him, little Timmy slowly turned toward me. I'm not sure what motivated him, I'd like to think he was aware of my boredom, and sick need for entertainment (maybe I mean "need for sick entertainment"), but truthfully, I think that's unlikely. At any rate, lil' Timmy fixed me in his baleful stare, and without any discernible movement, proceeded to empty the contents of his stomach on the inside of the window. He sat calmly while a yellowish, mostly liquid, stream of vomit gushed forth in potent waves, splashing off the window, back onto his shoulder and face. Kenny was the first to notice, and he began what appeared to be agitated laughing. Mom spun around to help but there was little to be done.
I was curious what mom was going to do. Would she pull out of line and deal with the mess, or let Timmy sit tight until she could conduct her business, then exit the line more gracefully. I watched as she barked out some orders to Kenny, and he obediently exited the car, opened the rear passenger door, climbed in, and began swabbing the puke off of his brother's face and clothes with Kleenex. Of course, we all know that Kleenex are hardly the appropriate product to use in such a situation. As soon as the wet barf soaked the tissue, and reached his hands, his laughter and glee with the whole situation faded. He began to show his distaste, as his mom pulled wad after wad of Kleenex and thrust them into to his increasingly unwilling hands. Eventually the sights, smells and stimulus must have become to much for Kenny, because in mid-swab, he opened his eyes and mouth wide, and, lurching forward, he donated his lunch to Timmy. He caught Timmy on the shoulder and back with his first heave. Having completed his humanitarian gesture, of sharing, he disappeared below my field of vision. Kenny's vomit was not as runny, so the chunks stayed put on Timmy. Decorated twice, Timmy looked just ducky by this time.
I was nearly doubled over my steering wheel at the antics going on next to me. I was waiting for mom to turn around and blow chunks on Timmy, if for no other reason than to make it a true "family affair". Sadly, I suspect her charmed life of living with Kenny and Timmy had given her a strong stomach for such things. Unfortunately, my line moved forward at this point, and I was unable to keep a close watch on them any more. I was nearly unable to compose myself to deal with the teller, but managed to choke back the laughter enough to get through. After completing my transaction I pulled away from the bank, but not without glancing into my rear view mirror to bid a fond farewell to Kenny, Timmy and mom. They made my day. I hope they made yours as well.
- the old bastard, 2000
And now back to our regularly scheduled broadcasting. Smitty, you were close, but Spolvy is in the lead...
nerdy little webmaster tool - use this for calculating your monthly bandwidth needs
|January 22, 2007|
It's Fun To Stay At The...
Oh, and since I've received quite a few emails regarding this link I put up yesterday, here's one of the more juicier ones I've received ...
Yo Ernie. Check it out...I think it's our buddy from Discount Floor Mats.... (same phone# 1-414-736-8394) http://www.aboutus.org/Basketball-Drills-And-Plays.com And it looks like Faisal Khetani has a uwm.edu email adress. I'm sure you've got some readers at UW Milwauke... Tom
Wow, that's pretty exciting news given he took his main discount-mats.com site down yesterday! See what people fail to realize nowadays is with the internet, all sorts of information becomes available to everyone. Long gone are the days where one has to play super sleuth and trace an ip address back to its source in order to expose someone's identity. A simple Google search and bam, you're busted.
Ernie - I swear I deal with this crap on every job. Thought you might find this construction detail interesting. It was constructed on a Firestation I designed. The electrician was a fireman and was recommended by the fire chief. Wonder where the inspector was? - Dave T. [photo]
Here's a cool optical illusion! If you stare at these pictures long enough, you might see a Lamborghini. Of course I've been staring for three solid hours now and don't see shit.
Here's what happens when you complete Deflector to the end without dying. Thanks Ernie, Phil B.
And to be fair, Bill submitted the same score. And who's seems to have won our current game challenge? Why that'd be Scott with 11,504. So of course this brings us to - what's next, right? Well, weekend readers got a head start on this one, although they had no idea it was going to become Game Challenge. It's Crazy Pool, and it's pretty fucking intense. The goal is to collide like colored balls to make them disappear. Clear the table to advance to the next level. Your FIRST shot has to be with the quite cue ball -- but every subsequent shot, you can do with any of the balls on the table. It took me about 3-4 games to learn that. There are 30 levels to complete, assuming you're good enough to do so. Me? I only made it to level 18. Don't laugh, it's tougher than it looks!
no questions, no comments, no judging me. just fork over $800 and shaddup!
how to get rid of stuff. what kinds of stuff? pretty much everything you can imagine. including spiders.
|January 21, 2007|
Has This Ever Happened To You?
Ernie, OK about doing away with your old "home.shtml" page, but now I don't see the photo thumbnails on your main page (http://www.ehowa,com/). All the links work, but instead of photo thumbnails I just see place holders each with a red "X". Right clicking the place holder and selecting "Show picture" doesn't bring up the thumbnail - at least not on my system. Any suggestions (I am using Windows XP, home edition, and IE 6)? Cheers, Frank
Hmmm, actually that shouldn't have had any impact at all, since the original index.shtml and home.shtml were in the same directory and pointed to the same places, Try flushing your browser cache & reopen IE? - Ernie
Thanks Ernie. I flushed the cache, re-booted the machine, and re-opened IE - now I see the thumbnails. Cheers, Frank
hmmm, i wonder if 40 or 50 of us can call up discount floor mats at 414-736-8394 to verify this story's authenticity?
chuck norris speaks. no seriously, chuck fucking norris speaks...
|January 19, 2007|
Some Long HOME.SHTML, We Hardly Knew Ye.
In case you hadn't noticed -- or if you're one of those people who used to bookmark the home.shtml page -- I've done away with the rather bland "ACHTUNG MUTTERFICKER!" front door and made this page the top level domain. Just having to click ENTER each time was starting to drive me up a wall. And what does that mean to you? Well, if you had your bookmarks set to home.shtml before, you can change them, otherwise not much. I'll be doing my best to keep my 120x120 ads & the 70x70 thumbnails safe for work'ish. I mean you may occasionally see a nipple, but that's as bad as it's gonna get. So remember the links may not be so clean, but the front page will be.
And for all of us armchair Rambo's out there who talk all this smack about, "how much ass we'd kick if we were in Iraq..." Well, take a gander at this video and you'll understand how quickly death can come calling without even having the common courtesy to ring your doorbell first. Everyone say a silent thank you for the protection of bulletproof glass, which lets our soldiers see through without having to expose themselves to harm from the bad guys. It's still some scary shit, and I have nothing but respect for the men and woman who are over there.
Ernie, How's it going? I been reading your site for a long time and I saw this article and thought of your website. You might have see this. It's about some Royal Marines in Afganistan and what they did to try to rescue their fallen brother. Thanks.. Christopher L.
And remember kids, let's all do our part to end racism, because Jesus loves you, but not enough to help you walk.
One of my Israeli readers sent in these photos from a wet tshirt contest happening at a bar in downtown Tel Aviv. Look on the wall and you'll see posters for Goldstar beer -- the stuff I told you smells like rotten assholes. And I'm not sure where ther fat chick came from, as the Israelis usually keep theirs under lock and key. She must be a foreigner. or something. Maybe European, because you know how those people just love their beer.
what american accent do you have? i always did my best not to pick up a bawstahn accent, so i'm north east all the way baby.
remember the fatal porshe crash photos that were roaming around the net about a month ago? sad.
|January 18, 2007|
At Crazy Ernie's My Prices Are INSANE!
Alright, cars! cars! Cars! come right in car lovers! Here at the Car Twister, we're slashing cars in half! Give us an offer on our best selection of cars! This is a car blowout! Alright we got big cars, little cars, white cars, black cars, spanish cars, yellow cars. We got hot cars, cold cars. We got wet cars, we got... smelly cars. Bloody cars. We got snappin cars. We got silk cars, velvet cars, naugahyde cars. We even got horse cars, dog cars, chicken cars! C'mon You want cars, c'mon in car lovers! If Ernie's don't got it, you don't want it. C'mon n car lovers!
Oh and Robin is in the lead!
remember the ucla taser kid. he's suing. under the american disability act. because he's bipolar. and the officers treated him with "brutality instead of sensitivity". and i'm not kidding
can anyone tell me how a girl this hot would pal around with such a tool as this? i mean what's he got that i don't? besides a spider man costume?
|January 17, 2007|
Aviation Safety Is Very Important.
Happy Birthday to The Greatest!
Behold the wisdom of a parent, who is appears to be too fucking stupid to even be a parent, lays out the top ten warning signs your child is a hacker. A perfect example of parenting through ignorance. Who knew that playing Quake meant you were a l337 pirate h4x0r? How fucking lame.
Game Challenges. As usual, I ended up discarding a few scores from people -- like our aforementioned parent -- who couldn't follow the simple instructions of unique file names. But that didn't make too much of an impact, because the high scorer, Nicholas didn't seem to have a problem. In the running for silver and bronze are Eric and Gord. But it's only been one day so I'm betting even these scores will be beaten...
The latest telephone poll taken by the office of the Governor of Florida asked whether people think illegal immigration is a serious problem.
A) 35% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
B) 65% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio."
This documentary debunks many of the conspiracy theories that the Moon Landing of 1969 was a hoax. What do you think, does it look genuine?
thirty seven fads that swept the nation. some good, some bad. some bj and the bear
i guess you'll think twice about swining into your local walmart for a sandwich now, won't you redneck!
|January 16, 2007|
Yeah, I Feel Like That Still.
My throat feels like I'm gargling razor blades every time I try eat something. Please I want everyone to pray for my well being.
And from the Jesus-Fucking-Christ-Here's-The-Video-So-Please-Stop-Sending-Me-The-Fucking-Link Department... the amazing Invisible Water illusion. It's neat, but it's nothing supernatural. It's just an aquarium filled with sulfur hexafluoride which is (about 6x) heavier than air. It works on the same principle as a helium balloon, only ther exact opposite. So quit being so fucking thunderstruck, okay?
If you really want to amaze me, if you really want to make my jaw drop, take me for a ride in your new Mig-21. Now that would get my attention me. Yeah, that would be downright purrrfect. Well, I mean that or you can overnight me some throat lozenges. I don't want to you to think I'm hung up on planes or anything.
Game Challenge update. Well, the one for W0ne didn't work so well, because it gives a different score (time) for each phase, not an overall score. So I got in scores for about half a dozen levels, which just isn't going to work. Sorry to Peter, Derek, Mary, Jim and Billy whoi all sent in postable scores... but you ain't gonna get posted, sorry. Out with the old, in with the new. The old and busted? W0ne. The new hotness? Cursor Run. It's self explanatory and my score to beat is 5,448.
fox to eagle: hey what do you say you share your snack with me? eagle to fox: hey what do you say you go fuck yourself?
|January 12, 2007|
Medal Of Honor Citation for Cpl. Jason L. Dunham
For conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of his life above and beyond the call of duty while serving as a Rifle Squad Leader, 4th Platoon, Company K, Third Battalion, Seventh Marines (Reinforced), Regimental Combat Team 7, First Marine Division (Reinforced), on 14 April 2004. Corporal Dunham's squad was conducting a reconnaissance mission in the town of Karabilah, Iraq, when they heard rocket-propelled grenade and small arms fire erupt approximately two kilometers to the west.
Corporal Dunham led his Combined Anti-Armor Team towards the engagement to provide fire support to their Battalion Commander's convoy, which had been ambushed as it was traveling to Camp Husaybah. As Corporal Dunham and his Marines advanced, they quickly began to receive enemy fire. Corporal Dunham ordered his squad to dismount their vehicles and led one of his fire teams on foot several blocks south of the ambushed convoy. Discovering seven Iraqi vehicles in a column attempting to depart, Corporal Dunham and his team stopped the vehicles to search them for weapons. As they approached the vehicles, an insurgent leaped out and attacked Corporal Dunham. Corporal Dunham wrestled the insurgent to the ground and in the ensuing struggle saw the insurgent release a grenade. Corporal Dunham immediately alerted his fellow Marines to the threat. Aware of the imminent danger and without hesitation, Corporal Dunham covered the grenade with his helmet and body, bearing the brunt of the explosion and shielding his Marines from the blast. In an ultimate and selfless act of bravery in which he was mortally wounded, he saved the lives of at least two fellow Marines. By his undaunted courage, intrepid fighting spirit, and unwavering devotion to duty, Corporal Dunham gallantly gave his life for his country, thereby reflecting great credit upon himself and upholding the highest traditions of the Marine Corps and the United States Naval Service.
so long Marine Corporal Jason Dunham, we hardly knew ye...
|January 11, 2007|
Culled From The T-Shirt Hell Newsletter.
New Year, Same Old Bullshit. 2007 has just started, but that's not going to keep me from giving you all the year's top headlines. Other news sources may wait until hard facts and data have come across their desks before they report a story, but I'm going to cut right to the chase and tell you everything that went down in '07. Now, obviously I don't have any specific names, places or dates, but you can just fill those in as the year progresses and information is passed along. So without further adieu (or ado, depending on how big of a twit you are), here is "2007 - The Year in Review."
In political news, President Bush urged Congress to [something involving the Middle East and the U.S. Military]. [Group of jerks] supported the president, but [other group of jerks] strongly opposed the president on this issue. Also in politics, [random senator or congressman] was embroiled in a scandal when it was discovered that [he or she] [accepted money illegally and/or had inappropriate relations with a minor].
But 2007 wasn't just a big year for politics. The world of entertainment also had a lot to offer us in the way of news. First of all, who could forget when [random celebrity] was busted for DUI and sent to rehab. I think the image of [said celebrity's] mugshot will be burnt into my memory forever. And who could forget when [B or C level celebrity] came out of the closet. As if that wasn't shocking enough, [celebrity couple] got divorced after [single-digit number] years of marriage. And the release of [lame movie] sparked protests from the Catholic church and helped [lame movie] go on to make over $500 million worldwide.
But it wasn't all bad news out of Hollywood. [Different celebrity couple] gave birth to a beautiful baby [boy or girl] and named it [random object that only a retard would name their baby]. They weren't the only ones with baby news. [Attention-starved, talentless celebrity] adopted a baby from [third world country].
It was also a banner year in sports. [Athlete that I forgot was still playing] broke [some record]. Also, the [random team name] shocked everyone when they won [name of championship trophy for corresponding sport]. Sadly, it wasn't all good news in the sports world. [some dope] tested positive for steroid use and his case was [quickly forgotten or ignored]. There was also a huge brawl in [sports league dominated by black athletes] that resulted in the suspension of [3-5 thugs covered in tattoos]. And [superstar athlete] was accused of [rape or murder], but the charges were dropped due to [superstar athlete] paying a large sum of money to [victim].
In world news, a [random natural disaster] struck [country somewhere in Asia] and killed [10,000-100,000] people. In U.S. news, the entire nation prayed for [kidnapped blonde college girl and/or seven-year-old blonde girl], only to be saddened when her dead body was discovered [one week to four months] later.
Finally, who could forget that 2007 is the year that gave us [name of popular website]. The website that revolutionized [pointless activity] and had the entire world [something that wastes your life].
So there's your 2007 wrap-up. I would say it will be an amazing year, but the truth is that it will be a year like any other. As the months pass, the information I've left blank will fill in, the stories will be sold to us, and we'll react the same way we always do. We'll argue, debate, pass judgment, protest, make jokes, and, ultimately, nothing will change. And in 2008 it'll all start over again. See ya then, news fans!
Hey Ernie, Thought you'd like this. You can use them but leave me out of it if you would, I don't need the attention at work. This is one of our trains and I don't have much info on it other than what is below, I also don't know how they got her off there. I'll let you know when I get the full story from our press folks. - Anonymous.
"This morning a deer jumped off the I-15 overpass and landed on top of a boxcar in a Helena Yard. Something you don't see every day."
Game Challenge - Almost there..... almost there.... There! Okay, now some people submitted scores higher than these, but didn't follow my simple instructions. Use unique file names, such as "deflector45530david.jpg". I can't tell you how many "deflector.jpg" and "myscore.jpg" files I received, that I simply deleted. You don't make it easy for me, I don't make it easy for you. I'm not asking anyone to cure cancer or solve world hunger, just name your fucking files correctly. Capish? Good, because you'll need to follow those instructions when you send in your score for the next Challenge, W0ne 2. (Yes, it's the sequal to W0ne). The premise is this - use your arrow keys to guide your wheel around and collect the yellow stars. Up and down ramps, over hills, etc. Collect all the stars, move on the next level. Kind of Super Mario'eqsue, but with more realistic laws of physics for us nerds. There's even instructions to play it full screen, which makes life much easier.
take a quick break from your day and treat yourself to the timeless comedy of dean martin and foster brooks. trust me.
enough is enough! i have had it with these muthafuckin scorpions, on this muthafuckin plane!
|January 10, 2007|
Uh, Yeah, Can I Get A Number 69, To Go?
And I'll be paying for that by check, please.
And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson, Jesus loves you more than you will know! God bless you, please, Mrs. Robinson, Heaven holds a place for those who pray! Hey, hey, hey!
This video is a little sad for me. It's a mustang drag racing vs a Chevy II, and the Chevy goes into the wall totalling it. Given I have one sitting in my garage, it's kind of like watching a distant cousin die, I guess. Such senseless destruction. I would like to point out, that it was a woman driver, too.
Ernie, doesn't take much to get deep into the mud with an old track hoe. That is a FUCKING MESS. Thanks to Larry Scott & Phillips Heavy Equipment Recovery Team, We were able to save our old track hoe. Noel R, Anderson Creek, NC ( Just outside Fort Bragg)
Ahh, it's good to see that no matter what, boys will be boys. And I suppose the only difference as we get older is the size of our toys. Ah, fuck this, I'm going to go slam some beers. See ya later.
it's hard to find a web service that doesn't offer a free trial. but just try canceling. pcworld did, and the results weren't always pretty.
|January 9, 2007|
Hey Look, It's Saddam's Orphaned Cat.
Anyone looking for some more juicy Saddam footage, here he is post mortem, and that motherfucker's head is SIDEWAYS! Dammmmmmmmmmmmn!!
First we had the girl on Maurey Povich with the pickle phobia. Ya know, I'm beginning to think people make this stuff up just to get on television...
Take two college girls on spring break ready to lose some inhibitions, add a little alcohol and put a camera on them and you've got the makings of some awfully good video!
One of yesterday's video links was of a kid completing Half-Life in 48 minutes. Which is great for me because I finally got to see the fucking ending. Here's a video archive of every single game ending out there, in case you too are joystickly challenged. Oh, and the current leader in Deflector is Mark with 29,790.
i'm pretty sure this is going to get someone an unexpected visit from the secret service. better put out some cookies
had a few drinks tonight sir? classic reactions to dui arrests and surprisingly, not everyone goes quietly
the results of every single mythbusters test. ever. ever ever.
|January 8, 2007|
Yes, I Bet She Certainly Does.
Yep, when I die, I'm going to donate my body to science, like this guy did.
Behold, the first GAME CHALLENGE of 2007. I got some good feedback on one of the games I posted yesterday actually, called Deflector. For those of you who didn't try it out, the premise is pretty simple. It's kind of like a combination of Space Invaders and Breakout. The invading aliens take a shot at you, and you use your mouse to draw a deflector shield to bounce the shot away and hopefully back up at the invaders. So it takes quick reflexes plus a little bit of thought since bouncing the shots wildly won't really yield you any results. High score to beat? James with 10,950.
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was teaching the alphabet. "Okay class, today I'm going to call out a letter. You have to stand up when I call on you, recite the letter and a word that begins with the letter. Ready? The first letter is 'A'." Little Johnny, of course, instantly raises his hand eagerly. The teacher thinks to herself, "I can't call on Johnny. He'll say 'asshole' or 'ass' or something like that." So she calls on little Susie. Susie stands up and says, "A. Apple." "Very good Susie! Okay class, the next letter is 'C'." Little Johnny again instantly raises his hand in earnest. Again, the teacher thinks to herself, "I can't call Johnny. He'll say 'cock' or 'crap' or something like that." So she calls on little Bart. Bart stands up and says, "C. Cat." "Very good Bart!" Now the teacher starts thinking that if she doesn't come up with something for Johnny to answer with, she'll go bonkers. Hmmmmm, 'R' doesn't have anything too nasty? "Ok class, the next letter is 'R'." Little Johnny hesitates and then raises his hand high as he can. "Okay Johnny." Little Johnny stands up and says, "R. Rats." "Very good Johnny! Ok..." Johnny blurts out, "Rats, with cocks this long!!"
Gotta run, I have to piss like a racehorse.
look at these pictures closely. see the smashed guardrail on the right? look where the truck landed.
how to tell your friend that his cat is dead. not that any man should actually have a cat...
|January 7, 2007|
Turn This Big Muthafucka Left!
In the past two weeks, I've bought three movies without ever having seen them beforehand: Talledega Nights, Jackass 2, and Snakes On A Plane. The latter two were worth every penny. In fact, the best line from SOAP wasn't the, "I have had it with these muthafuckin snakes..." line that's been publiczed so much, but one that came a little later in the movie. Samuel L and some other guy attempting to land but since they're coming in too fast the plane is going to overshoot the end of the runway and so they have to turn. With all of his bug eyed gooodness, Samuel yells, "Left, Troy, left! Turn! This! Big! Motherfucker! Left!" Had me in stitches.
You already know my feelings on Jackass 2, so let's move to Talladega Nights. I actually bought it before my trip to NY, and didn't get the chance to see it before I took off. Thank God. Because Flaherty had it on Netflix so I watched it there... and nearly gouged my eyes out ten minutes into the movie. Thankfully, my copy isn't opened so I'm taking it back for a refund today. If they wont take it, I'll give it to some homeless guy, but it sure as fuck isn't staying here.
why it's very important for ships to have watertight bulkhead doors. batten down the hatches!
|January 5, 2007|
Some Days It Doesn't Pay To Get Out Of Bed.
Well, it's official folks, Christmas is officially over. Only this year's holiday season yielded a first for us, a few of the reindeer have decided they've pulled Santa's sleigh long enough and have decided to pass the torch on to some younger bucks. So put your hand together and wish a happy retirement to Prancer, Dasher and Blitzen. Good luck guys!
So how about you, any New Year's resolutions? I notriced that I'm starting to pick up a little bit of a beer belly again, so time for my annual alcohol fast. This year? No booze for 60 days.
Saddam Hussein had a final meal of boiled chicken and rice. With the food he drank several cups of hot water laced with honey. It was a drink which dated back to his childhood.
So I went out and bought Jackass 2 the day was released, and I have to admit I wasn't disappointed. I've always been a fan of the mindless physical comedy that is the trademark of both movies. This one had some pretty funny ship, like the valentine wall, and the toro totter. I also sat there and watched the brand and mild horror and wondered, "Why the thought anyone would do that?" But one thing that was missing from this movie that I think that well in the first was Party Boy. He's the guy would walk up to strangers on the street, rip off his clothes to reveal a bow tie and bikini bottom, and start dancing against random people. And the poor victims ran like hell. I guess I just thought it was funny because it involved random people and not just the Jackass players who knew what they were in for. Well, this is your big chance to getg down to you skivvies and get down in public, just so long as you get it all on camera like our hero Party Boy.
Hey Ernie, figured you would appreciate this. I came home this morning and saw one of my neighbors had a bit of an accident last night. It was nothing terribly serious but I can't quite figure out how the piece of the other car got where it is. Oh well, not my car. Chris - Brockton, MA.
And a new Game Challenge to be issued Monday. Oh, and girls - I know I'm late with the Best Tits voting, but believe you me I'm working on it. Here's a little something to say 'Thank You' in the meantime.
nerd wars. a size comparison chart of all the starships from sci-fi series. now you know why you don't fuck with the galactic empire
uh, isn't there an old ass urban lenegs about a guy like this? something about a rock face and smouldering ruins?
|January 4, 2007|
I Hope Your New Years Was A Ball.
Hear Ye! Hear ye! My name is Ernie and I have traveled all across this land. I have driven over the highest mountain peaks, and transversed the deepest valleys. I have driven from sunrise to sunset. I have traveled from the northen most coast of this land, to its southernmost tip. I have driven in sunshine, rain, snow, sleet, and hail storms. Hell, I have even driven through the tail end of a hurricane. And in all of my travels, I have never seen so many stupid fucking drivers as I have in the West Virginia. Seriously.
It's a beautiful state, it really is. Beautiful countryside, rolling hills, luscious forests that will grow green in the few months. Their highways are wide and sweeping. No sharp curves that I encountered. Two, sometimes three lanes wide. A well-maintained breakdown lane on the shoulder of the road. And yet despite all these perks, everyone there finds a way to run into each other.
On the trip from Florida to New York, I was no more than 10 minutes out of my hotel room at 4 a.m., and came across a horrific crash. I could see the glow of the emergency lights pulsating in a few random patches of fog before I even crested the hill. And as I did so, before me lay no less than six police cars, three fire trucks and two ambulances. All attending to one vehicle which lay upside down in the median, somehow managing to drive off the perfectly straight roadway and roll over several times. Now keep in mind that aside from the emergency vehicles, me and Rollover Boy were the only two vehicles on the road for miles. Me northbound and from the way he was laying, I'm guessing him southbound. No blind curves, no falling rocks, no lane changes, no construction. The fog was patchy and thin at best. Just wide open straight roadway. Somehow the fuck do you just magically rollover on a straight road?
But wait, it gets better in my northbound trip. This what actually happened during the daytime, and had traffic stopped for about 2 miles. In fact, if you're watching my phonecam, I sent in about half of a dozen photos of it. This was a multi-car accident. I counted nine vehicles, but that may have been a few more. Most had West Virginia plates. And get this, one of the trucks involved was a flatbed carrying wrecked vehicles from another accident. Are you fucking kidding me? And from the carnage, I saw, I would have to imagine there were a couple fatalities in this one. And guess where it happened? Bingo. Long straight roadway, no hills, three lanes wide.
And so contrary to my previous posts, the nation's worst drivers are not in New York, Massachusetts, or even the Florida whose cup is running over with old people. They're in West Virginia. On I-79. Both north and southbound. Right around the town of Sutton. And they're aiming for you next.
Hey not to get all star eyed and nerdy or anything, but here are Stephen King's top movies for 2006.
hmmm, i bet if west virginia ran a shipping company, it would probably end up looking like this
|January 1, 2007|
Wow, The First Fucking Post Of 2007.