E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

Very Nice, Thank You For Asking.

Check out these two beautiful necklaces that I found.

Well, given I don't have any more information that you do, I can only make a guess from what I can see and that is, we're looking at New Orleans v2.0

Oh and speaking of versions, Ryan got 226 seconds. Don't you feel kind of useless now?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, my friend. I want to state up front, that it is NOT okay to bash Muslims, no matter what kind of weird shit they do, because they will protest man. Yes, indeed, they will have protests, and I can assure you they will be peaceful protests, at that! Years of peace, I tell you, years of peace.

Ha! Ha! Ha! That was so funny George, I sneezed when I laughed. Hmmm, I wonder, did you laugh at that?

check out your favorite stars, and the roles they DIDN'T get!

mark cuban says... don't be a moron!

Well I Will Then. Sally!

Sorry, ungodly busy this morning, so here it comes.

Here's the beginning of the end for American automakers.

Here's the reason why a lot of men have gambling problems.

Here's some very hot pussy.

Here's proof that the end is near.

Here's some REALLY FUCKED UP photso of a guy who tried to commit suicide by shooting himself with a gun. And failed. Seriously, fucked up. Very Graphic. I'm pretty sure this isn't going to buff out.

see what money looks like from all over the world

can't decide where to go for lunch? pop in your zip code and let the lunchtime slots decide!

When This Website Is A'Rockin, Don't Come A'Knockin.

So yesterday I discovered a new fast food restaurant down here in Florida. Yeah McDonalds and Burger King were just getting a little tired. So I tried out this new place called Checkers and hey, they got pretty good deals in there. Which is good news for me because things have been a little tight lately. But don't worry, the latest reports say online businesses are looking up.

Maybe then I'll be able to buy my own boat, and chicks will dig me.

Well, there you have it folks, keep Henry in your thoughts and by all means, have a drink for him. Hopefully he'll come back safe and sound, get in a few rounds of golf, and find some MILF with nice legs.

Wow, that's awesome news! I mean about pressing the S key that is, not your score. Because Jon already beat that and recaptured his title with 237 seconds. But seriously, thanks for pointing out the S-key thing... you got me past level 25 now, too. So anyway, looks like Jon is going to walk away with that one. So, next on our list will be a nice treat for all you jigsaw puzzle people. Yep, you have ten jigsaw puzzles to complete in the shortest amount of time possible. Click on a piece to rotate it and drag it into position. The faster you finish, the more bonus points.

the religion of peace strikes another blow for freedom of speech!

use the sextop 2000 and never get busted surfing for porn again!

I Got $100 That Says She Bounces When She Hits.

Please God, don't let me get robbed the next time I drive to the ghetto for some ghetto fried chicken. Yes, if I must be robbed at gunpoint, please let it be by some hot Israeli babe. Because that way, I can disarm her and we can do dirty stuff.

Okay, my goal in life is clear now. I must don the appropriate costume, get me some fake boobies, and go cornhole a Yanks fan. Yes. Yes, teach your children well! Oh, and then I'll go watch Carrie Anne Moss (from the Matrix) sunbathing topless, and my life will be complete!

Wow, I think Brian just laid the smack down. So you better hurry up and kick some string ass, because time is running out! Me? Fuck you guys, I'm going to go fly my plane right after I kick it old school.

newsflash! largest us based islamic charity raided by the fbi

the celebrity nude x-ray machine. or as i call it, boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies!

What Would Jesus Do For An Eight Ball?

C'mon girls, get right with God.

uhhhhh, did this episode of family guy make it on the air? this cartoon makes you want to WHAT?

oprah winfrey for president in 2008! yeah, they even have their own theme song?

Looks Like It's Gonna Be A Nice Weekend.

And you know what weekends are for. Go out, maybe catch a comedy club, and then go out for some hard drinking. And then, yeah and then some hard sleeping!

golden garden spider vs praying mantis. ready...fight!

Time For Me To Haul Ass.

Hmmm, that looks painful. I wonder how that happened?

Sorry to drop and run folks, but today is going to be a short update as I have an assload (haha!) of stuff to do. Are you being perceptive and picking up a sense of urgency? I hope so. I'm sandwiched between two things right now.

I haven't had anybody send in a String Avoider score higher than Jon's 552 seconds, so maybe this is the first time I'll post a game and the record will stand? Either that or maybe the cat's got your tongue. Anyway...

twelve foot tall garbage truck + ten foot tall archway = good clean family fun!

chicks love their wine - guys love their tequila

Can You Guys Help Me Decide On A Movie To Watch?

You know your kung-fu isn't as good as mine. Hell, nobody's is. But is your kung-fu as good as Jimmy's?

Boy I sure do have some unfriendly neighbors. I invited them over to play a game and they told me to go take a flying fuck. Hmph!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I can understand Will Ferrel killing the sequel to Elf. Quite frankly the only redeeming quality of the first one was Zooey Deschanel singing in the shower. But with rumbling that he might kill the sequel to Old School, called Old School Dos, I say whoa, whoa! I've got a major fucking problem with that because I laughed my balls off at the first one. I think ol Mr. Ferrell might be losing touch with where he came from and getting a little too big for his fucking britches, and somebody needs to take him down a peg or two.

tony montana + dick cheney = good clean family fun!

don't know how to make hoes? don't worry, the late, great mr rogers will show you a video explaining it!

came across this guy while browsing forbe's list of billionaires. check out his last name

A'tta Boy, Kid!

Someone sent me a link to what will become the greatest fucking movie. Ever. It is a movie is called The South Will Rise Again and is being filmed in and around Nashville beginning October 16th, 2006. This is a movie about rednecks, dirtbikes, meth labs, karate choppin', mullets, saving the world, and of course ZOMBIES! How fucking cool is that.

Because c'mon. Entertainment is what it's all about man! Remember that cool Power of Ten flash thing, well here's what happens when that gets blended up with The Simpsons.

Girls, please remember to shave. Not everyone likes a hairy box. Not even ninjas. Oh, and the Game Challenges page has been updated.

everything you ever wanted to know or say about strip clubs, but were afraid to ask. or say.

animal, vegetable, or mineral? you heard me motherfucker, animal, vegetable, or mineral?

Yarrrr, It's Talk Like A Pirate Day, Me Matees.

And I not be jokin. 'Tis really Talk Like A Pirate Day. Seriously. Stop ye laughin or I'll have ye strung up by yer neck, ya scurvey dog.

Two months ago, a San Francisco police officer was killed in the line of duty whilest he be involved in a high speed chase for pirates. San Fran's media, instead of attacking the pirates who plundered and fled on the high seas, chose to attack the dead officer and question whether or he should be chasin the pirates to begin with. This is the Captain of the Police Union's boat. I definitely be wantin this guy in my crew. Yarr.

Gather up the crew to hear ye new orders. I be apointin a new First Mate. Tis Jon from the port of New Hampshire who can plunder the string in 552 seconds. For his efforts, Jon gets to take my three wenches down below.

tis a pirate translator. yarr.

tis a big site of pirate jokes. yarr.

tis a a list of the top ten useless celebrities. guess who be number one. yarr.

Funny, That's The Name I Used For Your Girlfriend.

Lots of surprises in the world today. Who would have thought the Sox would pull out two games against the Yankees, eh? Granted, the Yanks were playing all their 8th string players. Sigh, there's always next year. And then who knew the American automakers were in such a tough spot that they were considering this, eh? Well I saw it coming. Yes, yes I did. And somehow I bet that Ford is owned by a redneck with a mullet.

But three months before that starts (I hope Jack Bauer doesn't run out of time), I have another source of entertainment. That's right, Octoberfest. I've actually been abstaining from booze for the past few weeks, and plan to continue doing so, until the first weekend of Octoberfest down at the local German/American club. I plan on getting obscenely drunk both weekends.

Currently, the HMFIC in String Avoider is Greg achieving level 25. This you can beat him? Quit whining like a little girl and start stringing.

after looking at these pictures, i want skittles. taste the rainbow

somehow i'm just not understanding todays cutting edge fashion designs. i\'ll stick to jeans and a tshirt, thanks

Open Your Hearts To The Homeless.

'He said, I quote, 'Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached,''' he quoted the emperor as saying. Clearly aware of the delicacy of the issue, Benedict added, ''I quote,'' twice before pronouncing the phrases on Islam and described them as ''brusque,'' while neither explicitly agreeing with, nor repudiating them.

Ahhh, I knew it wouldn't take long... there's the Religion of Peace we've all come to know! Remember, when we burn churches it's a hate crime, as it should be. When they burn churches, relax it's just a protest, man! Remember, there's nothing you can't achieve through violence! Yay!

Well, I know somebody who's going to be living large soon enough. That girl is going to be giving a lot of blowjobs before the week is out.

I think she just crippled your sex life. Think about it, the next time you're bangin her doggie style, you look down and suddenly lose your hard on because it feels like you're in an art museum. Great.

if you're a sucker who thinks you can buy a $3,200 hdtv entertainment system for $240, clap your hands!

Open Your Hearts To The Homeless.

Today, me thinks is going to be another reader feedback day, because, hey you know I value what each and every one of you think. But before I do, James wanted me to rub his Hyper-Sphere score your face. Oh, and again I would liuke ot state that I think Jessica Biel is the most beautiful girl in the world, and if any of you disagree, I will stab you in the face with a bazooka. Because God forbid, someone express a different opinion than that of my own, right?

Well, I bet next time Steve is going to use the little straps that secure the ramp to the back bumper of the truck and prevent such an accident from happening, now won't he? And since this was preventable, what do we call Steve? That's right, say it with me... a dumbass!

Hell no it couldn't. Did you see how she twisted her wrist at the end? No wonder she left the ten pin standing. Well, ex-teacher.

Uh yeah, that's kind of fucking scary. Granted, it'd be really fucking cool to sit there and drink beer, assuming you don't get swept off the end to splatter on the rocks below, but scary none the less.

Yep. And thanks for the too much information and the fact that I'll never look at that cartoon the same ever again. Awesome. Kill me. I'm going to go bleach my eyes in frotn of my playstation with GTA: Vice City Stories.

when rookie dirtbike riders crash, it's cool. when professional dirtbike riders crash, it's fucking spectacular!

and just some more really fucking cool cars. dibs on the 2007 mercedes-benz cl 63 amg

I Love You El Nino.

New research suggests the this year's lack of hurricanes in the Atlantic coast, is due in no small part to El Nino roaming around off the Pacific coast. Scientists believe El Nino's high level winds are sheering the tops off Atlantic basic storms and not allowing them to build up into hurricane force storms. And I am all fucking for it, man. Granted, Mexico is getting the shit knocked out of it, but hey. So far -- knock on wood -- we're in good shape this year. Let's keep this train'a'rollin!

Plus my hip has been significantly better thanks to a lot of stretching. At first I didn't take it seriously until someone showed me how to do it properly and now I'm a total believer.

Game Challenges. Yeah it's been a bit since I've posted about these so here's where we're at:

So this brings us to the next Challenge, which is -- String Avoider. Here's how it works. It'sa little reminiscent of the maze games where you move your mouse through a maze. Except here you have this long tail following behind you the back of which which doesn't take corners as sharply as the front does. So it's a little like driving a semi-truck around the city. The scissors are your friend. And here's the IMPORTANT part. Once you lose your last life...poof you're back to the title screen, so no chance to grab a screen capture of your score. So I HIGHLY suggest you grab your screen cap when you're down to one life left. Take your time and you'll get by just fine.

I call Shenninigans on this helicopter video for the sole reason I think the downdraft fromthe rotot blades would blow over the bottles.

ooooooooo! somebody is going to hellllll! i'm tellin mom!

holy crap this is tough - can you spot the speed trap cameras? i'll bet your ass you can't!

Mind If I Bust A Funky Beat? No? Good.

And still I see no changes can't a brother get a little peace
It's war on the streets & the war in the Middle East
Instead of war on poverty they got a war on drugs
so the police can bother me

That's right, that's my man 2-Pac reachin out from the grave ten years after his death to let you know this Middle East conflict will go on forever. And it's too bad too, because I bet he would have liked to have starred with Samuel L. Jackson in Snakes on a Plane. Long live Tupac, you suckSuge.

One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn't belong.
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?

Yeah, nothing wakes me up and gets me going in the morning like singing a little Sesame Street and then having a nice dump. Yeah, like Kermit says, it's not easy being green.

Well folks, your Uncle Ernie is off to grab some lunch. Maybe I'll swing by my usual bar and check out the bartender, or maybe head to the beach and see if I can't get into a volleyball game. Who knows?

ye olde social experiment - choose a picture and click on it - then compare where you clicked to everyone else

I Woke Up Tired Today For Some Reason.

Well, not only tired, but hungry, too. Hopefully, I'll be fully rested by the time Jackass 2 comes out, because, oh yes, I do want to see it. Especially since the first one got my seal of approval like it did. And in case you don't know what I'm talking about, here are some of the Jackassiest previews of the second movie.

Yeah, time sure flies when you're having fun. It seems like just yesterday Bill Gates and I were playing Doom on my Windows 95 box. Yeah, somehow that game just isn't so scary anymore.

Yeah, people sure do some dumb ass stuff in the name of entertainment, don't they? And then again, some people do it just because they're plain ol' down home stupid.

man this steve irwin stuff just won't die down. get it? die down? hahahahahaha

another irwin has bitten the dust. so let's stuff him!

Has It Been Five Years Already?

When I was growing up, I remember my parents and their friends talking about where they were when Kennedy was shot. For them, that was the defining moment of their generation; an exact moment where everyone stood up and took notice of where they were and what was happening around them. For me, I always thought my defining moment was when I was sitting in Mrs Mahar's fifth grade MAP class with me and my fellow classmates huddled around a television watching the space shuttle Columbia make her maiden voyage. I remember the teacher telling us how this was probably going to be the most historical moment of our lifetimes, so we had better pay attention.

Oh how I wish she had been right.

My Sept 11, 2001 started out pretty good -- I had the morning off work because I was taking my spiffy new car in for its first service. I was still fighting my way through morning traffic, only my destination was the car dealer where I bought the car instead of the dreaded cube farm that paid for it. This was back in Boston. I was tuned to 107.3 WAAF and listening to Greg Hill. He was talking with Chris Barbarie (sp?) and L.B. about a plane that had flown into the World Trade Center. I listened in with mild amusement, thinking it was nothing more than a tourist plane that went in for some close photos and got beaned. I was sure going to enjoy reading about the bad luck of those hapless bastards once I got to work. So as morning shows often do, they snuck in a song or two in between the mindless banter that keeps us sane in bumper to bumper traffic. Halfway through the second song -- I'm embarrassed that I can't remember what it was -- Greg Hill broke into the broadcast and announced that a second plane had just hit the other World Trade Center tower, and how this just couldn't be an accident. I remember being puzzled at first; this wasn't April 1st so why the hell was he making jokes? Don't get me wrong, I love a good tasteless joke as much as the next guy, probably twice as much so, but since he was finally playing some music I liked, I was a little pissed he interrupted it.

I remember being so pissed that for the first time in my life, I was going to email the radio station when I got to work and tell them they sucked (I know, I'm a hothead). I was so impatient for more music, that I changed the station and again was confronted with more talk about planes and towers. I stared stupidly at the radio thinking it was broken, that even through the numbers were different it some how didn't change frequency at all. I mean there couldn't be two different radio jocks talking about the same thing in the same urgent tone. That's just impossible. I remember briefly thinking, "Well, I'll just have the dealer look at the radio while it's in the shop, since I'm going there already, right?"

I channel hopped for another minute but aside from an endless barrage of commercials, all I could find were people talking about some planes that went off course. So I listened in the rest of the way to the dealership and when I got there the entire place was empty. It was spooky. There was not one soul at this dealership. No customers walking on the lot, no salesman asking me if I needed help, no service advisors asking for my keys. I walked around the showroom for a minute in disbelief: Where the hell was everyone?

Then I found them. Everyone. Customers, mechanics, receptionists, managers, delivery drivers. Everyone. Packed into the customer waiting area, everyone watching the television. Images of thick plumes of the darkest smoke I had ever seen filled the screen. For what seemed like hours, we all sat silently and invited news reports of death and destruction to assault our senses. People would ask the occasional question, "did you see that?" or "Didn't that other guy say something different?" but other than that, just thirty people absolutely silent except for the voice of Peter Jennings.

Then my salesman -- Mike Bruno -- who happened to be standing next to me asked the room , "Does it look like that tower is leaning to you? It looks like it's leaning. Is it leaning?" Nobody answered Mike, it was almost as if his question was rhetorical; that there's no way one of the towers could lean and why ask such a stupid question. Again the silence returned and a few minutes later I remember thinking, yeah they couldn't have been leaning. It would only have gotten worse by now and have been more noticeable. I think he was imagining it." And that thought seemed to hold a lot of truth as the towers stood upright and the news stream went on to tell us about four even five plane crashes happening around the country. There was so much information and so much happening, that it didn't seem real. What I was seeing and hearing was so absurdly incredible, that it just couldn't possibly be happening.

And then images of the darkest smoke I had ever seen gave way to images of the thickest dust I had ever seen. Lots of Running. People falling. Lots of crying. Eyes staring out from faces covered in white ash. People carrying people. Shaky camera footage from cameramen being forced backwards by police.

Eventually, the general manager hustled his people back to work. I suppose that had to happen sooner or later otherwise we'd all still be there. I was able to watch the news a little more as some other poor bastard changed my oil and rotated my tires, blissfully ignorant of the reports about a complete fire brigade buried under the rubble of a destroyed American icon. Later I got my car back, drove to work to find it empty and closed, and went home to watch the nonstop footage of nothing but bad news and carnage.

I realize now how lucky I and most of the country really are. For me, the biggest memento I have from Sept 11th is receipt for stuff done on my car. Others have reminders they wish they didn't; scars from burned flesh, missing and mangled limbs, nightmares, lung diseases and in all too many cases, tombstones. I think about these people with an odd mixture of admiration and pity all at the same time. I guess I'm just as confused now as I was five years ago.

Death, destruction, charity, salvation, war, money, real estate, spouses, babies, and other September 11 statistics

These photos were taken at Ground Zero, the World Trade Center site in New York, on September 13, 2001

Bill Biggart's Final Exposures

You Are Always On My Mind.

Hmmm, I wonder what happens when rednecks win the lottery? Hmmmmm.

Problems with vampires draining your loved ones of blood? Ravenous zombies attacking your home and devouring your partygoers? Don't shout... Shout em out by calling the Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency, duh!

Aw man, don't be a hater. That's just another example of the white man letting the black man down.

on guard, motherfucker! on guard!

tired of how your country is being run? tired of paying taxes? fuck em, start your own country!

Good Morning, Godless Sodomites!

"Comedian Jon Stewart and his hooligan sidekick Stephen Colbert of the Comedy Central TV network are two mockers and scoffers that like to blaspheme God and Westboro Baptist Church. At the Emmy Awards nonsense last week, Colbert began his silliness by bellowing out at the audience, 'Good evening, Godless sodomites.' America has become a nation of Godless sodomites, who mock and scoff about their Sodomite sins, thereby demonstrating that America is a nation of fag-enabling fools, because only fools make a mock at sin. Prov. 14:9"

I know a few people are like Obi Wan Kenobi right now, having to sit down and saying, "I feel a great disturbance in the Force. As if a million nerds suddenly cried out in terror, and then, suddenly, silence." Sorry guys, looks like you're going to have to focus your attention on more manly things, like the new K.I.T.T. for now on. When will it end?

Ladies, if you're gonna ride a mechanical bull, wear something other than a skirt unless you want to end up on the internet. If you want me to take a look at what you're wearing to make sure you'll be okay, I'm in the third room down. See you then.

Okay, I leave you today with a list of all the words you can make on a calculator. Me? Pffft. I'm going over to Bruce Lee's house!

use your shotgun and crocodile bombs to... avenge the crocodile hunter! hahahahaha, sorry jem!

There Wasn't This Much Action When The Pope Died.

It looks like all the people who were bent out of shape about Steve's untimely demise have blown off their steam, because all the recent emails are more supportive of the Big E's side of things. Including this gem from an Australian babe...

And with that, let the late great Steve Irwin never be mentioned on EHOWA again. Unless I get in more stuff like this. Let's just remember Steve Irwin died as he lived, with animals firmly in his heart. So, let's get back to more important stuff like this guy getting his ass kicked. And these cool fucking lasers that can burn your face off. And this politically incorrect alphabet. And this incredible bargain. And this cool remote control C-17 Globemaster III. And how I would kick this dog's ass. And how Boeing 747's have really long takeoff rolls.

Yeah, well we certainly fucked the dog on that one, didn't we. Obviously it wasn't intentional and just a fog of war kind of thing. And the really warped thing is, our military has killed more professional athletes in the last five years than steroids. Kind of weird to think of it that way, isn't it? Anyway, so long Private Mark Graham, we hardly knew ye.

Enough somber stuff. Let's get back to cool shit like while it hurt getting there, I have the cleanest rear in the land. And how communism has collapsed. And how Kevin Smith is going to make a horror movie. And how I can get you a great deal on handjobs. And how every guy has done a fat chick at some point. Oh and I fixed the Busted Tees banner at the top and implemented the correct border colors for my thumbnail links. w00t!

you can do her on the couch and then not have to cuddle. good shit!

just because it never gets old - here's the gun camera footage of zaqarwi getting bombed in iraq

Ernie Vs The Irwinites, Round Two.

But before I do, I'd like to tear your little minds away from the Croc Hunter for just a minute and issue another game challenge. After linking to HyperSphere yesterday, I started playing it more and it's a pretty cool fucking game. Kind of reminiscent of Ball Revamped only on a flat plane instead of vertical. And thus, another challenge is born. Oh and by the way, Jan from Denmark says he can kick your Switcher ass.

How to get a screen capture of your game: (1) press PRT-SCREEN (print screen). (2) Open your favorite graphics program. (3) Edit and Paste. Save the file and send it to attachment@ehowa.com. Viola, you're done. So let's get down to business...

Oh don't worry John, I'm sure everyone has already formed the same opinion of you that I have. I feel dumber having just read your email. But alas, I am in a mood of indulgence, so here comes. Did I call Dale Earnhardt (Sr!) a dumbass, yes I did. In fact, I did two complete Random Offensive joke list posting chock full of Dale Earnhardt jokes. Wanna know why he's a dumbass? Good, I'll tell you. Because there was safety equipment available to him that could have prevented his death, only ol Dale chose not to use it. So, choose not to take all the precautionary steps to insure your safety and you die as a result = you are an instant dumbass. Now let's answer your question regarding the police and firefighters. To begin with, if they don't do their job and risk their lives, then someone else will definitely lose theirs. I'm pretty sure nobody dies if Steve Irwin doesn't jump on a crocodile and yell, "Crikey!" But getting back on topic, cops & firefighters take all precautionary steps as possible to insure their own safety first. Cops wear bulletproof vests, call for backup, perform felony stop procedures and don't get within stabbing stance of people waving knives around. Firefighters wear fire gear, carry oxygen, maintain radio contact with each other, and don't put their unprotected hand into a burning flame. In short, they TAKE FUCKING PRECAUTIONS. And the fact that we're even comparing Steve Irwin to firefighters and police is making my head burn, so let's move on.

Oh this is good, so now we're comparing Steve Irwin to Dale Earnhardt. Again. I would have thought a Siegfried and Roy comparison might have been better on the mark, both being instances of conservationists attacked by animals during a performance, but who am I to complain. To be fair to Fred, I did trim down his email since it was pretty long, but yes, the Dale reference was genuine. As was my cheering his demise. Okay, first off it's not lobster fishermen that have the most dangerous job, it's crab fishermen. Lobster fisherman stay in coastal waters of New England, crab fishermen go out into the pounding seas of the Bering straights and Gulf of Alaska. But regardless, I'm sure both have life vests, emergency radios and first aid kits available, just like I wear my fucking seat belt. But I'd like to address your statement, "He would say that he keeps risks to the minimum by careful planning and backup personnel. Steve did the same." Did he? Let's look at this photo of Steve taken a few months ago. Read the caption. So here we have our favorite guy -- all around hero, husband and father of two -- holding the world's most venomous snake within a few inches of his fucking head. By the microphone he's wearing, I'm assuming he's narrating some tour at the zoo or something of the like. Okay, so he's educating people and bringing attention to environmental conservation. Very well, a noble cause. But can you tell me exactly what the fuck he can teach me by holding this snake with his bare hands and within striking distance of his face, that he couldn't teach me by holding it at arms length with a pair of snake tongs? Ah, that would be absolutely nothing -- but it sure does make for a more dramatic show, now doesn't it?

As we all know, Ol Steve was killed by a stringray barb. Now, said barb is attached to the stringray's tail. That's attached as in "connected to". Just so we're clear, the stringray does not shoot this barb through the water like some sort of aquatic Robin Hood. So in order to get stung by a stringray, you must be within striking distance -- probably a few feet from what I can guestimate based upon the size of the animal. I do think the family will end up releasing the footage of Steve being stung, because (not to sound poetic) I would imagine that's what he would have wanted. And I'll bet that when they do, we'll him doing what he always does... swimming in real close, touching the animal and getting the daring footage that nobody else gets. Well, this time Mother Nature carried a switchblade and wanted his wallet.

Look, I just moved to Florida. I know hurricanes happen here and with that fact come certain risks -- but remember risk can be managed. Each hurricane season there is a chance my house can get blown away. Not a big chance, but a chance none the less. I know this. Now I'm not suggesting people shouldn't live here, I'm suggesting the fact that we understand the hazards of the situation we have willingly put ourselves in. There are certain things we can do to minimize our risks: improve drainage, install hurricane shutters, reinforce the roof beams, stock food and water, or hell even evacuate before the storm gets within striking distance. And if I take every available precaution and my house still gets destroyed and I die, hey bad luck for me. But if I sit back on my ass and do nothing to prepare for the upcoming storm, leave my doors and windows open when it comes, haven't stocked any food or fresh water -- and my happy ass dies in the next hurricane, well that'd make me a dumbass, now wouldn't it?

So here's a tip from your Uncle Ernie. If you don't want to get stabbed by a stingray, then don't get close enough for one to stab you. Guaranteed to work 100% of the time. So please, let's put this Steve Irwin thing to bed now, shall we? I'm looking for my book and I cant find it.

that's right, he said it too, life involves risk!

one of the coolest interative flash sites you'll ever see. boobies

Oh Boo-Hoo.

Jesus H Christ. Everyone make sure you have a fresh pair of panties on for this post.

First off, let's take a look at some of the responses I've received over Steve Irwin going up to that great crocodile pen in the sky.

Notice there are no email addresses, because no, I am not flaming them.

Oh sorry, that last one snuck in there by accident. Anyway, a lot of people call what happened a 'freak accident' and I think that's bullshit. A freak accident would be Steve Irwin was riding on a boat, an unexpected wave hits the boat, he falls overboard, lands on a stringray, gets stabbed and dies. That is a freak accident. But donning snorkeling gear, having a cameraman follow you around, while you both chase dangerous animals and then being killed by them isn't a freak accident - it's Darwinism. And what about the fact that the guy has a wife and two kids? Okay. Do I feel bad for them? Of course I do. But let me ask you -- if you had a wife and two young children who loved and depended on you, wouldn't make the decision to give up swimming with the likes of sharks and crocodiles and snakes (and stringrays, haha)? And if you didn't -- if you chose to continue embracing these risks for the sake of education -- are you not effectively choosing the welfare of these animals over the welfare of your own family?

Now I'm not suggesting we all live in a bubble and isolate ourselves from Mother Nature, but take a look at his footage he shoots. He just doesn't go up to a poisonous snake and take pictures of it; he picks it up by the tail and pokes at it until it strikes out at him in self defense. He doesn't just film a crocodile, he jumps on it's back and forces it into submission so he can go, "Crikey!" into the camera. He just doesn't film a shark from inside a shark cage, he swims among them (which other people have done but still inherently dangerous), feeds them by hand and then plays tug-of-war with the food so the cameraman can get better footage of the shark's teeth. Entertaining? Certainly. Educational? Okay, I guess. But where's the line between educational and invasive? How about the line between educational and plain old fashioned stupid? We can't look at a man who made his living poking and prodding dangerous animals and be shocked when what-we-all-know-is-going-to-happen, happens.

So if you're sad that a 44 year old husband, father of two, and all around good guy is dead, I'd remind you what a 44 year old husband, father of two, and all around good guy might still be around if he wasn't known as a "Crocodile Hunter" and swimming within striking distance of a big fucking stingray. Yes, some things are best admired from afar.

Now, did Steve Irwin bring a lot of positive attention to endangered animals and educate the general public about their plights? Absolutely. Did he donate the vast majority of the money from his endorsement deals back to animal welfare and conservation? Absolutely. Was he all around a good guy? Absolutely. Am I glad he's dead? Absolutely not. But don't forget his death was the direct result of his own actions. So let's be honest with ourselves here. As difficult as it is to accept, the only person we have to blame for Steve Irwin being dead... is Steve Irwin.

Next on the list of dismissal by natural selection? Jeff Corwin.

a big ass collection of videos of steve irwin. no seriously

ever wonder what happens if you don't urinate? well, wonder no more.

Happy Labor Day, And Thank You Mr. Stingray.

Ah I bet he wishes a shattered left testicle was the worst of his worries, now. Goes to show ya folks, you can only jam your thumb in Mother Nature's butthole so many times before she gets really-really-REALLY pissed off.

So long Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin, we hardly knew ye. You should have filmed something less dangerous, you dumb ass.

more dangerous footage - fat kids make me laugh. especially when they're too fat for the seats in amusement park rides

Me Too Little Man, Me Too.

I know one girl who's never going to be a Senator!

Nothing you have ever seen before, and nothing you have ever heard before can prepare you for... Because air disaster videos are all just fun and games until someone loses an engine.

finally, i can die in peace, with my very own pee-wee herman sneakers

Right This Way Ladies.

So my roommates are out of town over the weekend, which leaves me to dogsit their two pooches. One I don't mind so much, she's just your typical female dog, but the other ones kind of spooks me out when he looks at me. The downtimes does of course allow me to take over the living room television for my gaming, which something I haven't been able to do up until now.

Women, just so you understand just how important swallowing is, listen to this. That's right. Failing to do so really can end up with your marriage crashing down around you. Besides, you have the added bonus of not worrying about getting knocked up!

Hmmm, I wonder if this guy shit his pants or not? Probably so, but I'll bet he didn't get any stuck in his ballsack hair thanks to those folks.

flaherty, your lunch is ready.

don't waste your money on expensive laser procedures for tattoo removal! use this instead!

The Good News Is His FUCKING TACOS Will Still Be Fresh.

Dear North Carolinians. Don't take this the wrong way, but I sure am glad you took the brunt of the inclement weather and not us. It's nothing personal, I just don't want to have to repair anything on my house. I'm sure you understand.

Having a wedding soon? Don't have much to spend on a dress? Not a problem, says I. You just need a few rolls of toilet paper and a pretty good imagination and you'll be the belle of the ball!

Good News: In 1994, Anne Hesche (who I think has the nicest tits in Hollywood) made a movie called Girls In Prison. Bad News: They cut out this topless shower scene with the ol, "Oops I dropped the soap" gag.

Bad News: Hot on the heels of Snakes On A Plane is Snakes On A Train. Bad News: I'm not joking.

two kids stumble across the set of LOST and now there's dharma initiative for everybody!

perhaps the coolest fucking car commercial ever. too bad it's for a bmw