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E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
LET'S BRING EM HOME 2018 HAS COMPLETED 99 TICKETS SO FAR!
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April 30 2006 | |||||
I Asked You Answered.Last week I asked why Iran was talking so much smack to the United States when it's pretty much a given they wouldn't stand a fucking chance in an armed confrontation with us. Behold for I have been enlightened...
You know as fucked as that is you have to admit it's a pretty effective plan. Completely fucked unspeakably sinister grossly subhuman... but effective. Scary isn't it? think you're a good driver? think again! ooooooooooo! somebody is in trouble! where were YOU on 4/20? hmmm? boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies! |
April 28 2006 | ||||
We're Approaching A Milestone Here.Now you too can sit in your cubicle and watch baby Bald Eagles hatch. Live cam pretty fucking cool. Takes a minute or so to connect so be patient and sheyat. I sure hope the bird flu never makes it up to them since it seems to have made it to Florida. Ladies. Please take a note. Some girls are made to dance while others just can't no matter ho whard they try. To avoid embarassment please know which of the two you are. Thank you for your cooperation. A lot of people shit on MySpace as being the new AOL. But have you seen the Girls of MySpace pictorial that Playboy is doing? Why can't one of these bitches IM me? top 5 creative uses for your ipod - personally #5 is my favorite |
April 27 2006 | ||||||
Their Hypocrisy Knows No Bounds.Mexico’s Immigration Law: Let’s Try it Here at Home - By J. Michael Waller Mexico has a radical idea for a rational immigration policy that most Americans would love. However Mexican officials haven’t been sharing that idea with us as they press for our Congress to adopt the McCain-Kennedy immigration reform bill. That’s too bad because Mexico which annually deports more illegal aliens than the United States does has much to teach us about how it handles the immigration issue. Under Mexican law it is a felony to be an illegal alien in Mexico. At a time when the Supreme Court and many politicians seek to bring American law in line with foreign legal norms it’s noteworthy that nobody has argued that the US look at how Mexico deals with immigration and what it might teach us about how best to solve our illegal immigration problem. To prevent tourists from taking advantage of their immigration system Mexico has a single streamlined law that ensures that foreign visitors and immigrants are:
The law also ensures that:
Who could disagree with such a law? It makes perfect sense. The Mexican constitution strictly defines the rights of citizens – and the denial of many fundamental rights to non-citizens illegal and illegal. Under the constitution the Ley General de Población or General Law on Population spells out specifically the country’s immigration policy. It is an interesting law – and one that should cause us all to ask Why is our great southern neighbor pushing us to water down our own immigration laws and policies when its own immigration restrictions are the toughest on the continent? If a felony is a crime punishable by more than one year in prison then Mexican law makes it a felony to be an illegal alien in Mexico. Yet if the United States adopted such statutes Mexico no doubt would denounce it as a manifestation of American racism and bigotry. Will we ever adopt immigration laws similar to those of Mexico? Yeah when pigs fly. an exclusive interview with sean preston spears join your felow ehowa readers and see who can fertilize this egg |
April 26 2006 | ||||
Let Me See Your War Face!Private Joker: I wanna slip my tube steak into your sister. What'll you take in trade? Okay can anyone tell me why Iran is talking so much smack? "The Americans should know that if they assault Iran their interests will be harmed anywhere in the world that is possible" he was quoted as saying by a state television announcer. "The Iranian nation will respond to any blow with double the intensity" the leader added. What are you fucking kidding me? Just what the fuck are they going to do to us? They have absolutely zero power to project force on a global scale other than the occasional whackjob who wants to strap dynamite to himself and strolls into an Israeli restaurant. I mean fuck I don't go walking up to a 7'2" judo champion and say "Hey motherfucker if you hit me I'm going to kick your ass double!" What gives? See I told you Cindy Sheehan's crazy fucking antics would make the world remember her son as being the brunt of many jokes and not as an American soldier who gave his life for his country. And it's starting... boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies! quit crying about gas prices - find the cheapest gas near you right here |
April 25 2006 | ||||
Back To The Basics.When I was in junior high all I wanted was a girl with big tits. In high school I dated a girl with big tits but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college I dated a passionate girl but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with big tits. nuclear nightmares: twenty years since chernobyl (there's a good mulligan pic too) |
April 24 2006 | |||||
Let's Put This To Rest Shall We?Okay another rant about something that's been irking me for a few years: 9/11 conspiracy theories. Those assholes that believe no the acts of September 11th were not the result of terrorists but were the result of some super secret government plot to erode our civil liberties and justify the bombing of a select group of oil rich countries. There have been many scientific approaches to both prove and disprove these theories even the fucking French have joined the fray. Now this site isn't alone there's a shit load of them out there. The former of the two sides has been put into a nice flash file which you can view here. Go ahead I'll wait...
And on the flip side we have just as many people offering scientific proof that a Boeing 757 did in fact crash into the Pentagon... But no matter how convincing one side can be there is still one irrefutable truth to both side -- they're both theorized by armchair quarterbacks who still eat cereal in their mother's basement. Sure maybe one of them took a few classes at an aeronautical school. Maybe one of their cousin's former roommate's nephews son's priest's babysitter did in fact see (not see) a jetliner scream down Washington DC streets. Whatever. And so it is here today that I Ernie Lord of the Internet shall put all 9/11 conspiracies to bed. I will give you irrefutable proof that 9/11 was in fact NOT a government conspiracy; and certainly not one orchestrated by GWB. Even the most skeptical of conspiracy theorists will shake their heads as they know they can not challenge my rock solid argument. I will do all of this with two simple words. Are you ready? Are you ready for my foundation shaking proof? Here it is. Monica. Lewinsky. Yep you heard me correctly I said Monica fucking Lewinsky. So you might ask just how does this golden cocksucker have anything to do with this nation's largest tragedy of modern times? I'll explain you poor simpleton. First let us compare the two presidents who were in office for each of these events: William J. Clinton and George W. Bush. The former is one smooooooth fucking operator. Love him or hate him you have to admit Clinton was smooth. That motherfucker could sell ice to eskimos. He stood before the entire country and convinced us that without a doubt he did not have sexual relations with that woman. And fucking-a I sure believed him. Shit we all did! Clinton was extremely intelligent he was powerful the economy was booming and above all else he was smooooooth. And even the leftest of the left and the rightest of the right will agree that Clinton outclasses GWB in pretty much all of these departments. Think about it they call GWB "Dubya" and Clinton "Slick Willie" - you do the math. And if that poor motherfucker couldn't get away with getting a simple blowjob from a fat chick without the entire country finding out about it then there's no fucking way in hell that GWB could pull off the biggest mass murder in American history. Period. So please lose the grassy knoll shit. Stop taking x-rays of jet engines. And someone tell Charlie Sheen to stop pretending to be someone else and get back to doing what he does best - not fucking Denise Richards. Because despite all the fluff than anyone can heap on it all breaks down to if Clinton couldn't stay off CNN after five months for a simple blowjob there's absolutely no fucking way any plot by GWB could stay hidden after five years. By now someone involved would have talked. A missile operator. A remote control pilot. An explosives expert. Somebody. SO face it - 9/11 was what it was; a terrorist attack. End of story. moooooo! nothing says fun like a live feed from webcams hooked up to cows! |
April 22 2006 | |||||
I Fucking Hate Cats Too.So you think you're smart eh?. Well did you forsee the price at the the gas pumps going this outrageously high? How's that hungry new Hummer H2 treating you now? Hear no evil. See no evil. And for the love of sweet Jesus certainly try to refrain from doing any evil.
Uh oh. Looks like our troops might be in trouble. Check out this terrorist training video that shows just how intense they train. Bwa-hahahahahaha! What a bunch of douche bags. ever wonder what it's like to eat a tablespoon of ground cinnamon? hey girls do you love dick? here's a great receipe for some spotted dick this is a mean averaging of seventy six images of fellatio. no seriously. |
April 21 2006 | |||||
I've Always Hated James Taylor.
When you’re down and troubled And you need a helping hand. Jesus as soon as that shit comes on the radio it makes me wanna puke my guts out. I'd rather tune the radio and listen to some nobody sing than that asshole. He makes time stand fucking still for me. It is the ultimate Ernie Torture.
WARNING: GRAPHIC! photos of injured animals from illegal net fishing. WARNING: GRAPHIC! |
April 20 2006 | |||||
Here This Will Freshen You Up A Bit.Aw it's such a nice day outside why don't you call up a good friend and go play? Hey serious question time for all you baseball card buffs. With all this steroid shit going on in major leage baseball do you think my Barry Bonds rookie card is still worth anything or no? I'm just looking for an idea... nothing exact. This my friends is why dogs fucking rule. Not cats not birds not pot bellied fucking pigs but dogs. Ironically enough the dog shares the same name as a firearm manufacturer. if that's not irony I don't know what is.
Our friends down under seem to have found a solution to their immigration problem. Why can't it be that easy for us? This is cool - come see where your fellow EHOWA readers hail from - takes about 2-3 minutes to load so be patient. And the one guy from Iran? Don't worry he won't be there much longer. red sox boobies! red sox boobies! red sox boobies! red sox boobies! |
April 19 2006 | |||||
You Sit There Perfectly Still.Firefox users rejoice they're finally starting to do some advertising. In India (corrected!). Ladies lay off the donuts hit the gym and avoid the dreaded FUPA!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Wow that's funny! A pic of Johnny Damon to bust my balls as you go! Ah-ha! Ha! Ha! You sure got me.... assbag! collection of photos taken during a russian air force museum tour |
April 18 2006 | ||||
Now That Just Ain't Right.You know they say humans evolved from monkeys which I think is a bunch of bullshit because I can't do this. On the hot celebrity scene I'm glad to see insanely hot Lindsay Lohan looking healthy and more full figured again. But as glad as I am for her I dunno about these vitamins she's been taking to put weight back on... I mean they're having some weird effects ya know? Because you don't know the power of the Dark Side beyotch! |
April 17 2006 | ||||
Well That Just Isn't Very Nice.Looks like not all of us had a good Easter. Okay kind of a quirky novelty thing for anyone other WWII history buffs out there. You can use this German Enigma Machine encoder to encrypt a message and then see how long it takes your computer to break the code using the Turing Bombe Simulation here. Ahh the things you Google for at 1am...Good times good times. Ever have one of those days where you have one drink too many and end up doing something you later regret? Yeah well I haven't had any of those lately thank goodness. Oh please don't be so high and mighty. You know we've all done it at some point. Pop quiz asshole. You have four seconds to draw these sketches. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO? Ok to close out today's post just something I found a little bit disturbing. I was looking through the server logs to see where my traffic was coming from recently and found this visitor from the UK who discovered EHOWA for the first time via Google. Yep that's right Google "Fuck my ass" and I'm the 10th link. Weird man weird. i fucking hate pennies but this is pretty cool. the holsteins? not as much. |
April 15 2006 | ||||
Happy Fucking Easter!My how times flies. It seems like Thanksgiving was just yesterday doesn't it? Regardless let me be the first to wish everyone a Happy Easter weekend. Twice. No three times. Hey if you happened to die in India recently their police would like to have a word with you. I just wanted to make sure I passed on the message thanks. Well that's it for me. I'm off to an Easter egg hunt. Bye! ah the good old days when bo jackson used to play for the raiders easter boobies! easter boobies! easter boobies! easter boobies! easter boobies! |
April 14 2006 | ||||
Welcome To Opening DayWelcome to the new EHOWA restaurant my name is Ernie and I'll be your server today. Can I interest you in today's special? Good news girls! In response to Steak and Blowjob day which was in response to Valentine's Day you now have Cake and Cunnilingus Day. And now a special gift for EHOWA's little friends a coloring book for lawyers. Here's a list of the top 50 jobs as ranked by Money magazine. Surprisingly enough American foot soldier is nowhere on the list. some really great patriotic videos and slideshows |
April 13 2006 | ||||
I Seem To Be Missing Something Lately.Some semi-hot Jewish chick took a bunch of pictures of her fellow Hot Israeli Bitches with guns. You don't get to see that everyday now do you? Well if you're anything like me you woke up this morning and wondered "Say just what does happen to the human body when it's ejected out of a car at 150 mph?" Well wonder no further! and just so there's no misunderstanding - i fucking hate you johnny damon! |
April 12 2006 | ||||
Paul 2 Ernie 0He hauled in two 19" redfish. Minimum length to keep? 18". I hauled in three snook measuring 23" to 25". Minimum length to keep? 26" Yep I was an inch short. Like that's the first timer I've ever had to say that right? Then I hauled in one 19" Redfish. "Sorry only allowed to keep one per person" so we had to throw mine back. So fuck him I ate his fish. |
April 11 2006 | ||||
Theodore Roosevelt's ideas on immigration."In the first place we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed or birthplace or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American and nothing but an American... There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American but something else also isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag the American flag... We have room for but one language here and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people." -- Theodore Roosevelt 1907 |
April 10 2006 | |||
Now Now. Safety First.So my buddy Paul is coming for a visit this week. In fact I pick him up at the airport around 2:30 today. I was just going to give him my address and have him take a taxi but figured eh I'd give him the royal treatment and pick him up in Earl. Don't worry it's safe the brakes are fixed. Besides with him being a hockey coach I didn't want to get my ass kicked. Speaking of safety here are some photos of a foam test that went wrong at Ellsworth AFB in South Dakota. It was supposed to be a 15 second burst of fire supressing foam but when the system wouldn't shut off well things got kind of. Well you can see for yourself... Well without setting off any kind of a chain reaction I trust the next few days will include a few lap dances before Paul has to fly back to Boston. Wish us luck! ah nothing says friendship like a nice flourescent lamp to the balls |
April 9 2006 | ||||
Ornery Little Motherfucker.So Ike had a pretty interesting weekend. I let him out to take a leak this past Friday night and as he was coming back into the house I watched him walk past a dark spot on the sidewalk and then much like a cat leap straight up in the air. I thought that was odd but since he just continued on into the house like nothing happened I didn't think much of it. As I followed him in I too walked past this dark spot which looked just like a potato; until this potato moved towards me. I too jumped straight up like a cat. I decided to give whatever this thing was a wide berth and made my way into the house and flipped on the outside light. There staring back at me lay a small red yellow and brown snake. No big deal says I snaked don't bother me at all. This one was about a foot and a half long and no more big around than my pinky. Being from the northeast I've never seen anything more than a gartner snake in the wild so with some curiosity I approached to get a closer look. I expected him to turn around and beat feet as I approached seeing as he was so small. However his reaction was quite the opposite; he coiled up and raised his head as if ready to strike. As I stepped sideways in shock his little head followed me -- always with those beady little eyes and always ready to strike. In fact I distinctly heard him say "Fuck you." As I leaned in closer to ask him to repeat himself he went through a striking move -- not close enough to get me but close enough to let me know he meant business. Given this little guy's aggressiveness -- gartner snakes usually haul ass upon seeing a human -- I began to be concerned that perhaps this fucker might be venomous. A baby copperhead perhaps? Was I in danger I wondered? Visions of me smooshing a snake with a shovel and having to bring both it's flat body and my limping dog to the vet's emergency room dashed through my head. I stepped backwards towards the door. His beady little eyes followed me in some sort of a miniature Mexican standoff. As I opened the door and backed through he whispered "bitch." Inside I called Ike over and watched him come to me. There was nothing wrong with his gate he wasn't favoring any spot on his body which might indicate he had been bitten and he was just his normal goofy self. I thought briefly about tossing my roommate's Yorkie out there to the snake as a test but then decided against it. We had company over that night so I urgently called everyone out to the front of the house to see our new little buddy with the big attitude. Everyone took a closer look and among them the general concensus was no it's not the deadly copperhead but a harmless red rat snake. So unless I were a small frog or lizard this snake couldn't eat me and thus meant me no harm. We scooped him up with a shovel and with a mighty heave sent him sailing into the yard where presumably he slithered away had a few snake beers with his snake buddies and told them how he almost kicked my ass. He sure did have an attitude. But I bet the little fucker doesn't know just how close he came to having his entire weekend ruined by the business end of a shovel. a face so ugly only a mother could love. or his new fat wife |
April 7 2006 | ||||
Listen Up America.Over the past couple of weeks I've noticed the digital clock on the cable box has been getting a little fuzzy so yesterday I went to get an eye exam. As I suspected my prescription changed and it's time for some new specs. Don't worry the picture I posted yesterday wasn't my new glasses they were actually my BC glasses I found from my basic training days. As a side note I think this year for Halloween I'm going to dress up as Hank Hill. Anyway while I was there I asked the doc about Lasik. I'd love to get it done since glasses and contacts can be a pain in the ass sometimes but somehow I still can't get my mind around a fucking cigar cutter taking a hunk out my eye to make a flap. That shit just spooks me out. I get sick just thinking about it. But I know it has to be done so the way I figure it this time next year I'll have my eyes test again and if they don't change well then I'll let Obi Wan Kenobi use his lightsaber on my eyes. And I'm sure as hell not going to go to some quack who pulls up in a Hyundai offering a 2 for 1 sale while the ink on his weekend training certificate is still dry. Fuck no. I want to go to a rich motherfucker who picks our which of his seven Ferraris to drive to work that day because he's been making assloads of cash off Lasik surgery for the past 10 years. The way I see it I only have one pair of eyes so I don't want to take any chances of things screwing up. What really burns my ass aside from having to get the balls to sit down in the chair is for each decade I've been wearing my contacts I have to go for one month without wearing them prior to the surgery. This is because I wear hard contacts and this down time allows time for my eyes to return to their natural shape in order to get the best results. Thats six fucking weeks baby. Ugh. Well anyway with me soon being able to see better perhaps that will improve my improve my parking a little bit. eighteen things you always wanted to know about antactica but were afraid to ask |
April 6 2006 | |||||
No It's Okay It's Diet.People please. Will you get your minds out of the fucking gutter? That's the last time I'm going to ask. Well I'll admit I've done some pretty stupid things in my life but nothing like this. Looking like it belongs in a chase scene scene right out of a bad Italian Job remake these guys drive their car on subway tracks and through various underground stations. The way people look makes me think it's authentic even if there was no satisfying crash at the end. One of my favorite shows on television right now is My Name is Earl. And as an added bonus besides being a former castmate of Kevin Smith and being married to Jaimie Pressly (on the show at least) Jason Lee just makes me laugh with all the funny shit he says. I honestly think it's one of the best shows on Tv right now. And if you don't watch it I hope you get fat and die.
And then on the flip side of American television we have Natalie Portman doing some gangsta rap. Yes you heard me correctly I said gangsta rap. Why Lord? Why have you forsaken me? First she cuts her hair now she's acting like a fucking idiot. I'm not saying I wouldn't do her I'm just saying I wouldn't admit to it afterwards. So just out of curiosity how long would it take a hacker to crack your password? Ha! Not feeling so tough now are you smart guy? Okay before you go do me a favor and gaze into my eyes for twenty seconds. |
April 5 2006 | ||||||
Everyone Gets Their Fifteen Minutes.Using the latest computer generated imaging here's what Bill Clinton would look like if he grew a mustache. One site that I've always enjoyed and try to go back and visit once a month or so is kissofspeed.com -- it's run by this Ukrainian chick named Elena who happens to live within driving distance of Chernobyl. ANyway her father is some sort of a nuclear scientist so she's competent enough to ride her motorcycle through the irradiated city without turning herself a nice shade of glowing green. She documents her trip with a few dozen photos and even through I've seen them all before it's always fascinating to go back and look through them again. You get some idea how fucking eerie it would be to ride your motorcycle around an entire city and not see one other person. (Zombies?) Plus sometime in the past few months she added another section digging up some relics of the Ruskies vs Nazis battle for Kiev. Old bullets hand grenades bunkers and occasionally; the stray jawbone. The layout is very high speed/low drag the English is a little broken plus she's kinda hot -- so if you've got a few hours to kill look through the site as you won't be disappointed.
Aw man I with I found this in time for April Fool's day... you can do a free 5 minute trial of a three way telephone conversation. I had a porn shop call a 7-11. Ah good times good times. britney's porn piano - random pictures from afghanistan hey chubby - how much would you weigh on other planets in our solar system? |
April 4 2006 | ||||||
Some Ups And Downs Today.Well I didn't get the chance to update yesterday so I've got an assload of stuff to post today. Some you will like some you won't. For example the good news is this guy made a list of the 10 Best 80s Movie Music Videos. The bad news is Huey Lewis and the News only came in at #9 which I think is a fucking travesty. That was 10-6... here's 5-1. Why they're on a seperate page I dunno hey it's not my site.
This is the coolest thing in a long ass time. Territory Wars - this game has got it all! Stick figures. Grenades. Gunfire. Headshots. And Chuck Norris. And if you have what it takes to complete all 10 challenges then you win a showdown with the red headed cowboy himself. Say what you want but the game is fucking addictive. Thanks to Shawn for letting me host a copy of it.
EHOWA exclusive photo! This past week end I snapped this picture of the biggest police bust in history! That one was for you Puddy! list of auctions selling ex-girlfriend photos (with thumbnails of course!) |
April 3 2006 | |||||
There's always one.Yep there's always one guy who takes an April Fool's joke hook line and sinker. And this year's award goes to...
Don't worry Will your kids are doing just fine on their own. You beed pwn3d. okay and the weirdest fuckingmom with an ebay account award goes to... |
April 1 2006 | |||
Guess What Today Is.I pity the fool. -- Mr. T. The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year. -- Mark Twain But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty. -- 1 Cor 1:27 However big the fool there is always a bigger fool to admire him. -- Nicolas Boileau-Despréaux [Politicians] never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. -- Thomas Reed Sometimes one likes foolish people for their folly better than wise people for their wisdom. -- Elizabeth Gaskell The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer Looking foolish does the spirit good. -- John Updike He who lives without folly isn't so wise as he thinks. -- François Duc de La Rochefoucauld Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. -- Mark Twain A fool sees not the same tree that a wise man sees. -- William Blake A fool must now and then be right by chance. -- Cowper It is better to be a fool than to be dead. -- Stevenson |
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